Chapter Text
Seulgi massages the crevice in between her thumb and pointer as her eyes shift out of focus.
She stands in front of the thin mirror right next to the entrance of the apartment silently. She's pacing her breathing and calming herself down from the situation that had occurred moments ago.
Her mother had called, nagging and overbearingly telling her off. Her thoughts are empty and levelled as she stays motionless. Her eyes don't even look up at the mirror, she's unsure if she's even blinked.
She's completely spaced out and in her own mind. Seulgi was the type to get annoyed easily - not that she had much control over it but she had never thought of it as anything bad.
Until college at least.
Her breaths are still short and rigid. "Uhm, are you okay?" She notices the voice and the figure approaching but doesn't acknowledge it.
She wants to continue being lost in her thoughts. It's her new roommate and the new TA who transferred from one of the better universities, why? Seulgi doesn't know, frankly, she doesn't care.
She wants the heat tugging at her dry lungs to disperse, she wants to tie up her hair sticking to her nape, but she doesn't move.
There's a soft ringing in her ears that's she's used to. The seconds she counts unconsciously as her right hand continues to press against the muscle. It's starting to hurt but she can't stop herself.
She's heard that it was called the thenar web space, not that it mattered.
"Am I disturbing something?"
Seulgi doesn't want to break out of her little prison but she does eventually.
"No, you're good. Sorry, I was just daydreaming." She smiles sweetly and the girl nods her head slowly.
Seulgi looks up suddenly hyperaware of the situation she placed herself in.
An awkward silence settles in.
"Did I bother you? Sorry, I have… I just do this thing where I get lost in my mind.” She tries to explain as best as she can. The woman seems puzzled but not prejudice.
Seventy-six seconds. She finishes at the top of her head before she lets go of her hand that's much more sore than usual.
"Sorry, could you repeat that?" Seulgi mumbles, words are white noise to her.
"I didn't say anything."
Seulgi pauses for a moment. She feels embarrassed but shrugs it off in an attempt to seem unfazed.
"Oh," Is all she can muster up.
The girl smiles, "My name is Joohyun." Seulgi tries to calm herself but it becomes harder at that.
Curious.
Her lips purse together, "Seulgi," Seulgi takes a breath in as she responds
Joohyun's eyebrow raises for a moment.
Seulgi feels her heart drop to the floor, it's almost like an excruciatingly slow kind of fall, one that's teetering right at the edge of defeat. How was Seulgi supposed to react to this? Her fists ball up, purposely having her nails dig into her palm.
They shake hands.
That's how the conversation ends.
Or at least that's how it's supposed to end but Joohyun decides she hasn’t gotten to know her roommate enough.
"So, thoughts, huh?" She attempts a conversation.
Seulgi's anxiousness gets the best of her again. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip as her eyes shift back and forth, unable to stay in one place.
Joohyun notices, she has, from the moment the girl had walked into the coffee shop she worked at.
It was all because she had forgotten her scarf at the table but she hadn't realized. Her co-workers assured her that Seulgi was a regular and not to worry about it.
"Yeah, thoughts." Seulgi’s eyes are awkwardly on the floor.
"What kind?" Joohyun asks as her gaze makes its way towards the mirror. She feels the odd pressure it emits and slightly frowns.
"Not much, just all kinds that don't matter. Well, sometimes they do - most of the time they don't - it's just my own peace and quiet." Seulgi replies and Joohyun watches her.
"Quiet?" She finds it amusing, no, that's not right. Joohyun corrects herself as the tiredness sinks in. It's not amusement, it's… her thoughts trail off.
Odd. So very odd. It's odd, that's what it is.
"Thoughts are loud." Joohyun shrugs.
"My thoughts kill time and that's probably why I like it." Seulgi tears her gaze away from the floor. Joohyun looks at the messy living room, still yet to be furnished and set up.
It's filled with brown boxes and the nostalgic smell of cardboard isn't helping her much. She doesn't how to react or respond but she knows she has to carry the conversation on.
"Counts," Seulgi mutters and Joohyun tries not to stare at her.
"Counts?" Joohyun repeats with curiosity, somewhat worried, and a hint of apprehensiveness sitting on her tone.
Seulgi knows that Joohyun is careful, she's trying not to overstep boundaries - more than she would with the normal person. "Counts." Seulgi nods and Joohyun wants to question it once more.
"They're like little droplets of water of a tap that's slightly open," Seulgi explains out of context but somehow Joohyun understands what she means.
Seulgi finds this interaction weird, maybe more than Joohyun does. It's not the usual; hi, hello, shenanigans and small talk. It feels like a conversation that shouldn't be taking place if anything.
"Alright, those are annoying, aren't they?" Joohyun asks a question - it's not the one she wants to ask but if Seulgi wanted her to know then she would be explaining wouldn't she?
Seulgi raises an eyebrow, she doesn't like how dark the room is, and the smell of furniture isn't helping. "Well, yeah, I guess they are." She responds half-heartedly. Who wouldn't find unnecessary sounds annoying?
Seulgi's comfortability sinks in as she's grounded back into Earth.
"It's dark, isn't it?" She smiles as she reaches over towards the light switch. Joohyun is left with more questions at the change of demeanour, the girl is out of autopilot and back it seems.
She doesn't quite get the whole thing with Seulgi or the idea behind why she acts the way she does but she doesn't think it's bad.
"Do you usually get nervous around people?" Joohyun asks one of the many questions she's been wanting to ask. She tries to play it off as small talk but Seulgi isn't stupid.
The younger girl walks into the living room and Joohyun trails behind slowly, awaiting an answer. "Well, most people don't see the ungrounded sides of me first?" Seulgi says quietly with a light chuckle and Joohyun finds this odder.
"So, are you still nervous?"
"Are you?"
The question catches her off guard. Seulgi is anxious, she admits internally, but it's nothing to get worked up about. Joohyun clicks her tongue as she thinks and thinks.
"I don't think I am," She smiles back. Seulgi likes her energy but maybe it was just Joohyun's pretty privilege talking. Whatever it was, the girl's existence clicked well with the ringing, with all the jumbled mess in her head. Seulgi found that odd too.
"That's good to hear," Seulgi responds as she moves over to open the light switch of the living room too.
Was their apartment always this dark? "Is it already late? It's really dark," Seulgi says casually and Joohyun leans on the couch as she watches.
It's a pique of curiosity at most - that's what she says to herself but who knows? Maybe Joohyun just liked the oddness of Seulgi.
"I kind of like the dark, it's calming, but not in like the living room." Joohyun comments and Seulgi hums back.
The girl stays productive, opening boxes and getting back to what she was working on. Joohyun doesn't know what it is since she had just moved in a couple of hours ago and have been in the apartment for approximately thirty minutes but it seems interesting.
At this point, anything Seulgi is doing seems intriguing.
"I don't like the dark at all, the vibe is all weird." Seulgi shudders at the thought of the dark.
"Who knows what's in the dark?" Seulgi laughs, she's gotten comfortable enough to tease and joke. Joohyun enjoys the atmosphere.
"It's that why you're also scared of people?" Joohyun didn't mean to blurt it out loud like that. She knows Seulgi is fazed by her question because - hell, who wouldn't be?
"It's more like people are scared of me?"
Joohyun doesn't look pleased.
She’s back to feeling rather confused.
Joohyun gets into work, as she usually does. Her hair is tied up, and her apron is set.
She fixes her slippers and shuts the locker with her sneakers in a clean plastic bag. Everything is just how she likes it.
Or at least she thinks so.
She winces at the sudden shouting in the cafè. “What’s going on?” She asks the manager.
“We’ll ask them to leave if we get complaints.” He mentions. The manager is busying himself with orders. Joohyun pays no mind to it, tidying up the work space.
She begins by heating a cup of milk to help with the latte art orders.
The door opens, signified by a ring.
She feels her shoulders stiff from the make shift bed she had to use last night. She purses her lips, would her roommate be fine alone? She was a bit weird.
Joohyun clicks her tongue. Seulgi was it? She was quite pretty.
”Joohyun unnie,”
Joohyun looks over the counter to see a wide smiled Yerim. “Oh, hey welcome.” She says casually as she sets the milk down.
”I’ll take care of this, could you go stock up the pastries?” Her manager requests. She nods.
Joohyun nods at Yerim before moving to the back of the cafè. She grabs the tray of heated pastries. She carries them carefully.
Was there anything to eat at home? Joohyun hums to herself. She should cook something up for Seulgi and her to have dinner. Anyway they’d spend a whole year together, it wouldn’t hurt.
Joohyun notes to herself.
She sets the tray at the back counter and picks up the pastries, placing them nearly at the front.
”Unnie, are you free later?” Yerim is still chilling by the counter.
”More or less,” Joohyun replies.
”I’m going to go drawing again.” Yerim mentions and Joohyun smiles. “Stalker.” She retorts.
”Excuse me—“
Another long and loud sigh in the same direction is heard. Yerim’s eyes move towards the table being so loud. “Hey, isn’t that the unnie that Moonbyul unnie was talking about? What was her name?” Yerim tries to think.
Joohyun pauses. She tip toes to try to make out the figure.
Sure enough, Seulgi is sitting next to a guy with a laptop.
”Is she on a date?” Yerim mentions out of curiosity.
Another groan from the guy.
”Okay definitely not.” Yerim laughs.
Joohyun furrows her eyebrows. “Her name is Seulgi. She’s my roommate.” Her eyes are locked on her.
The two seem to engage in conversation but the guy is clearly aggressive.
Yerim looks at Joohyun.
"Are you going to stare or actually, do something?" Yerim nudges and Joohyun groans, shrugging her off.
"Just go to that model girl you're stalking, leave me alone for a second." Joohyun clenches her jaw as she finishes arranging the pastries.
Yerim sticks to the table right next to the counter and though Joohyun is usually appreciative, she isn't quite happy about it right now.
What was going on with Seulgi? She shouldn't be worried, she's known Seulgi for less than 24 hours, what gives her the right to worry?
They're not friends, they're barely roommates, and Seulgi can't be considered someone she knows either.
"Why can't you just focus for two seconds?" The guy seems fed up but Joohyun is more.
Anyone with a functioning brain would notice. Seulgi can't focus well and it's not her fault. She was different and she didn't have to feel bad for it.
Or at least, that's what Joohyun was thinking. Her body, on the other hand, screamed tenseness. Yerim's rambling is undecipherable with Seulgi on her mind.
"Sorry,"
Why is she apologizing? Joohyun's eyebrows crease together in annoyance.
"Could you stop saying sorry and actually do something about it?" He slams his hand onto the table, Seulgi winces for a moment.
The coffee spills.
”I’ll work around it.”
"I'm sick and tired of this."
Joohyun watches and watches. It’s more like people are scared of me? Seulgi’s sentence seems to make more sense.
Fuck sake. She stares at the spilt coffee on the floor and the table. Seulgi is obviously bothered by it, her eyes keep moving towards it.
She's aware of it and can't get it out of her head. Seulgi doesn't respond and it bothers Joohyun so much that it gets unbearable.
The girl wasn't stupid, if anything Joohyun thougth Seulgi was smarter than most people.
There was just something about the way she carried herself, she couldn't consider it elegance but she a key factor, that's for sure.
"Here's the thing, I don't partner up with you cause I want to." The guy continues to exasperate.
”Joohyun, could you do something about them?” The manager finally gives in.
"You," Seulgi seems to have had enough.
"I, what?" The guy has spilt coffee everywhere at this point. Joohyun removes her apron and grabs a rag.
"You think I work with you cause I want to?" Seulgi replies back finally.
Seulgi doesn't look comfortable and maybe that's whats bothering Joohyun. The girl could defend for herself, Joohyun didn't need to butt in, she knows that much.
However, Seulgi wasn't fully out of her mind. Her thoughts were still poking fun at her and teasing. Joohyun wants to step in with how disoriented the girl looks.
Anyway her manager was asking her to.
"Then why are we even here?" He's angry and his words are jumbled.
"You tell me." Seulgi responds calmly. "You picked me, let's start there." She tries to pat the situation down but it doesn't seem to work.
Not when she something else is on her mind.
Joohyun doesn't, she doesn't need to step in. She tries to remind herself. She could just ask them to leave and wipe the coffee.
"I picked you because it was suggested!" He's standing, Seulgi doesn't care. Joohyun's leaves her post, Yerim is staring.
"Then leave the group? It's simple," Seulgi sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“Why do I have to leave the god damn group?" He's getting violent.
Joonyun’s jaw clenches as her feet move on her own. She doesn't know what's going on, what's she's doing. All she knows is that she's found the right rag because that's what her mind can process right now.
Yerim looks disgusted as Joohyun's clenching onto the blue rag in her hands for dear life.
"What is in his coffee? Jesus Christ." Yerim cringes at how much of a scene he's making.
Joohyun's at their table and her feet don't stop. She looks at the spilt coffee and back at Seulgi.
Seulgi looks up at her for once. It's the first time Joohyun sees her big doey eyes.
Joohyun finally turns at the guy.
"Clean it up." She says, tossing the rag in front of the him.
The manager seems unfazed.
Seulgi freezes in place, processing what was going on. "What?" He sounds breathless when he responds but Joohyun just can't deal with any of it.
"Aren't you an employee?"
"We don’t serve assholes. Store policy.” Joohyun smiles sweetly.
"Do you want to get fired?"
"Try me." She rolls her eyes. The manager nods at her as Joohyun takes Seulgiz
Joohyun doesn't look back as she grabs Seulgi. They're out the door as Yerim continues to sip, her eyes on the scene.
Seulgi is forced to stop massaging her hand by the hundredth eighty-sixth count. Joohyun is wordless as she lets go of Seulgi's hand.
Joohyun didn't, she didn't need to step in. Seulgi had it all under control: she was calm and blunt. Joohyun was dumb and angry, she was blind. There's a wave of regret washing over her as Seulgi is silent.
A moment of silence slips in. What in the world was she doing?
Joohyun didn't know, she didn't understand herself either. She wanted to be the peaceful and quiet college student but apparently, those chances have been now lost.
She doesn't want to turn and face Seulgi after the stunt she pulled. She doesn't want to be told off for caring for someone she probably shouldn't really care for because…well, that's life.
That's what the essence of society is. Joohyun doesn't like to see it as survival but if it's not survival then she doesn't get what it is.
She's wearing her slippers outside of her workspace, she hates it. She has a habit of changing her shoes depending on where she was.
It was strictly slippers at work, rubber shoes for daily activities outside, and comfort picks at school. The silence has been stretched too long, Joohyun realizes.
Joohyun awkwardly turns around with a sigh hanging at her lips. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to butt in and do that, I just…" The words she has at the top of her head turn into nothingness as she's left avoiding Seulgi's gaze.
"You shouldn't have to be apologetic for something you can't control, right?" It's all she can come up with but she hopes the smile she has on can fill what's missing.
There's just so much silence. Joohyun considers checking Seulgi's expression but she can't seem to turn her head. She suppresses her sigh as she looks up at the clouds.
"I think that I might have been a little extra but I'm sure it wasn't anything detrimental." She's met with Seulgi smiling at her.
"Okay," Seulgi breathes in slowly, she's not calm, she's not blunt, and she's not okay. Joohyun's hands are frozen in place as she tries to understand Seulgi's thoughts.
"Thank you.” Seulgi nods
Her teeth clench together - turns out she didn't need to even attempt to understand Seulgi, the answer was obvious. She knows she should comfort the girl because who knows what she's been through. Who knows what Joohyun's actions meant to her.
Whatever it is, Joohyun doesn't know, which is exactly why she can't bring herself to say anything more than, "Okay."
Joohyun notices that it didn't have to be her.
It didn't have to be Joohyun. She repeats like a mantra in her head. It's not because it's me. Joohyun doesn't like getting her hopes up all that much.
Not as if she had much for Seulgi and her friendship--acquaintanceship? She pauses her thoughts before deciding to leave it unlabelled since roomateship doesn't have the best ring to it.
Seulgi’s silence wasn’t her crying for help it was the way she coped.
Joohyun notes.
Seulgi hasn't been avoiding Joohyun, persay - it was more coincidental that they haven't spoken since the incident at Joohyun's workplace occurred.
It was simply a coincidence that Seulgi wasn't able to visit her favourite coffee shop since and that she was never in her dorms when Joohyun was.
Seulgi knows it was rather dumb that she tried to avoid her roommate but the said pretty roommate had to see Seulgi on the one time she was having withdrawals from her medication.
She can’t face the embarrassment.
She adjusts her jaw back and forth out of habit as Sooyoung rambles on about her classes and what not.
"So, your new roommate." She brings up eventually and Seulgi had expected she would.
"Byulyi unnie said she was a great replacement for her but well, I've never seen her so I wouldn't know." Sooyoung follows Seulgi along the aisles of candles, her tall head peeping out of the shelves.
"She's fine," Seulgi doesn't comment much about Joohyun because what would she even say?
She didn't know a single thing about Joohyun and she's pretty sure Joohyun didn't know much about her. She probably just thought Seulgi was a sensitive psychopath with extreme focusing issues.
"Fine?" Sooyoung nods her head slowly with a teasing tone.
"As in fine? or fine," She wiggles her eyebrows and Seulgi can't help but laugh.
"Well, I'd be lying if I said she wasn't fine in that way—“ Seulgi sighs.
"No way!" Sooyoung squeals and Seulgi nudges her to keep it down. She picks up the small glass jars and inspects them.
"So?" Sooyoung asks for more details that Seulgi can't really give since, well - there weren't any.
"So what? There's nothing. She's alright, I mean yeah she has a pretty face and all but that's yeah.." She trails off as she focuses on the candles.
Sooyoung pouts her lips as she groans about how anti-climatic and boring Seulgi is—the usual rant that Seulgi doesn't care for.
She smells the scent and frowns, "This is pretty but I don't like how it smells." Sooyoung leans over wordlessly and Seulgi brings the candle towards her nose. Sooyoung gives Seulgi a confused look.
"You don't like…" Sooyoung grabs the candle to read the scent seeing as she can't seem to make out what it is.
”What in the world is this name?" Sooyoung laughs as Seulgi tiptoes to read it.
Pockets of Sunshine. Seulgi cringes at the cliche name, Sooyoung was right - what in the world was that name? She takes another whiff, "Yeah, I don't think I do." Seulgi says. It's not that she didn't like the actual scent, it was more like she didn't like the way it clicked in her head.
"Why not? Well, I guess you never liked flowery scents anyway." Sooyoung hums as she moves over to check out the other aisle.
"I don't know, they jumble the thoughts in my head," Seulgi mutters as she softly places the candle back down. "Hm?" The younger girl urges her to continue her explanation.
Seulgi purses her lips as her eyes unfocus. "Flowery scents makes a bass sound in my head like an eery, loud, and annoying vibration? If that makes sense," Seulgi shrugs as she grabs another candle.
"Well, how about fruity scents?" Sooyoung passes over a familiar cherry scent. "This one's sweet, it's like a filling my head with fog? I don't know." Seulgi laughs airily and Sooyoung nods her head.
Seulgi appreciates how much attention Sooyoung pays to little details and habits she has. "Then let's just go with your regular woody scents. New things are cool and all but maybe some other time?" Sooyoung passes over another candle.
Seulgi smiles, "I guess so." She says without much complaint.
Joohyun shifts around in her seat as Yerim continues to draw.
"Are we going to stay here forever?" She asks as she watches Seulgi interact with the familiar tall girl that Yerim continuously pines over. "What's the point of us being here to watch her if you're not even going to say hi?"
Joohyun nudges Yerim who rolls her eyes as she shades on her notepad carefully.
"Your fault for ditching me, just shut up and go with it." Yerim nibbles on her lower lip as she continues to focus on her project. Joohyun doesn't understand why she's so obsessed with the girl.
She won't deny that she's remotely attractive but she doesn't really think it's worth stalking for five months just to end up nowhere. She doesn't pressure Yerim, regardless.
"You could just check her Instagram, she follows you doesn't she? It wouldn't be weird for you check her stories and stuff." Joohyun yawns, her eyes still fixated on Seulgi.
Yerim grumbles about as she finally puts down her sketchbook. "It's the feeling, unnie. The god damn feeling! The vibes, the dimensions, the angles, and all of that." Yerim gestures towards the two girls and Joohyun cracks a soft smile.
"You really are obsessed, huh?"
"Sure, I guess."
Joohyun didn't expect the girl to admit to it so easily, her lips purse. "Why'd you stop drawing?" She asks and Yerim leans her chin onto her head, tiredly. "I ran out of inspiration with all the stupidity coming out of your mouth," Yerim says, her eyes on Sooyoung and Joohyun scoffs, shaking her head slowly.
"Do you like her that much?" She teases and Yerim rolls her eyes.
"I don't like her." She refutes and Joohyun gives her a genuinely confused look.
"You don't like her but you stalk her?" She questions the younger girls motives. At this point, she's convinced that Yerim would kidnap her and claim it was for the sake of art or some bullshit like that.
"How do I like someone I've never even talked to before? Make it make sense, unnie." Yerim rhythmically taps her fingers on the table and Joohyun takes a peek at the drawing.
It was painfully accurate.
"You just follow around because?"
"Because when I look at her I want to draw her," Yerim says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Joohyun can't say she doesn't understand what she means but she still finds it odd.
She takes another look at Seulgi and gets lost in her thoughts. She didn't overthink or expect that Seulgi would suddenly open up to her after their interaction.
If anything, Seulgi acted the way Joohyun expect her to.
Avoidance.
Joohyun takes in a deep breath. "Well, if you're done let's go." She stands up and Yerim tugs her back down. Joohyun doesn't sit back down, she's tired of it.
"Then, let's just take a break from all the stalking, hm?" She gives Yerim a pat on the head as she stretches her arms up.
Yerim tugs her shirt down and Joohyun finds it amusing how she has the attention for the small details when she's staring at the model girl so intensely.
"Hey," Joohyun decides to tease her a little bit more. "What?" Yerim replies back with no soul and Joohyun grins.
"You see the girl beside her?" She nudges and Yerim tilts her head to see over the aisles.
Yerim squints her eyes and can barely see the top of the girl's face, "Yeah, what about her?" She mutters.
"Doesn't she look familiar?"
"Not when I can barely see her."
Joohyun cackles, "Yeah, okay. She's the girl from the coffee shop, the roommate girl." She says and Yerim flips her attention towards Joohyun.
"Introduce me." She says without even double thinking and Joohyun shakes her head. "Can't do that, even if I wanted to. I barely know my roommate." Joohyun shrugs and Yerim groans.
"Not your roommate! I'm talking about Sooyoung unnie!"
"Unnie, huh?" Joohyun nods her head and Yerim glares. "Well, as I said, I don't know Seulgi well." She repeats and Yerim looks defeated.
"Stop being a god damn introvert and be useful for once!" Yerim whines as she tugs on Joohyun. The loud girl is making a slight scene, she knows they're receiving a couple of stares but it's not enough to make Joohyun embarrassed.
"Look who's talking, you go be an extrovert and talk her," Joohyun says, pulling her out of her seat.
Yerim lightly slaps her wrist as she laughs, "Stop!" Joohyun smiles.
"Okay, okay." Joohyun overexaggeratedly sulks as she pats down her clothes. Yerim runs a hand through her hair as she sits back down with a smile still on her face.
Joohyun looks back at where Sooyoung and Seulgi are. Her eyes meet the familiar big doey eyes staring at her.
The gaze breaks.
The smile on her lips slowly fades as she clears her throat.
Oh.
She sits back down with silence on her mind, Yerim continues talking about who knows what. Joohyun just nods and hums in return.
She really is avoiding me.