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this feeling was different, yet all too familiar at the same time.
willow went about a good five years without forming any substantial bonds outside of her fathers. five years of solitude that were easily overrun by four months of friendship with luz and gus.
but right now, she didn't even have that. she was back to square one: back to the life half a witch willow used to live.
most people would cave into the loneliness, call this "friendship strike" she's on quits so that she could avoid addressing the immense emotions that she had been suppressing for months on end.
but willow couldn't let herself back down so easily: partially because she was stubborn, but mostly because she knew that she was right and no amount of "sorry"'s and "it's not like that"'s could take that away from her.
"willow, i'm sorry you got hurt!"
"you're sorry? you didn't even come and check on me once! you probably would've left without me!"
"willow, please, just hear me out," luz pleaded, "it was an honest mistake. i really didn't mean-"
"you never mean for things to happen!" willow exploded, "you just do things without thinking, and then something inevitably bad happens, and then we're all expected to just come and pick up the pieces and save you! and i'm tired of it, especially when you can't even save me from the messes you create."
part of willow wished she had just bit her tongue at this point: especially given the look on luz's face after it all came out. luz had bit her lip, fighting back tears.
but willow's biggest problem had always been how she bottled up her anger until the last minute, and if she had vented those frustrations before, maybe things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did. but once those words slipped out, she knew there was no salvaging to be done.
"okay willow, that's enough-" and unitentionally, amity had to come in and make things worse. of course, she was only trying to protect her girlfriend's feelings, but amity was the last person willow wanted to hear mediate the situation.
"you've got a lot of nerve. was it enough when you blasted to the entire school that i didn't develop my powers until i was twelve? was it enough when you put a target on my back for your bully friends for years to just to impress them?"
"willow, i thought we were over that." amity scoffed, narrowing her eyes at her.
"you thought we were over that because it never hurt you the way it hurt me," and there it was: everything willow never wanted to release into the open, "i was the main victim of everything, but because somebody wants to live in a happy fantasy world where everyone's friends and holding hands and shit, i had to just forget five years of pain and torment and act like everything's okay when it's not, and probably will never be!"
that's when everything froze. the tension in the air became suffocating, and she could feel her powers biting at her, begging for her to let them hit the surface and do as they please. but with everything that had already been said, she wouldn't dare to let her magic consume her at this point.
if words couldn't fix this situation, magic definitely couldn't fix it either.
after a few moments of silence and glares, somebody finally spoke up.
"why haven't you said anything?" willow never heard luz's voice become so small before. it kickstarted something in her brain, the feeling of guilt. she had to remind herself of why she was even upset in the first place.
"i didn't say anything?! did i not tell you that i didn't want my issues with amity to be rehashed? did i not tell you that i don't like my limits constantly being pushed? because i could've sworn that i did."
"well clearly you've been feeling like this for a while now," amity snapped, putting a comforting arm around luz's waist, "so if you really felt that way why do you keep bothering to come around? or are you really just mad that things haven't been going your way lately?"
"oh please," willow retorted, "that's something you'd get upset about, and me and you are not the same."
amity opened her mouth to deliver another quick blow to willow, but closed it once she noticed how upset luz had gotten. at this point, luz was full on crying, albeit silently, and comforting her became amity's main concern rather than attempting to put willow in her place.
willow couldn't stand being in the room anymore, and knew there was nothing more for her to say. she already made her complaints, and decided it was up to them how they would take it. she swiftly turned her back to them, and started on her walk home.
willow knew that luz was by no means a terrible friend: luz was the first friend that willow had made in a while, and for the most part, there was never discord between the two. but the longer luz stayed on the boiling isles, the more willow began to feel as though she was a fading memory rather than a best friend. she still had gus at that point, given that he wasn't there to witness the entire debacle, but things had became awkward between them after gus had called her the next day asking about the situation.
"so..." willow could tell that gus was trying his best to dance around the topic, "about what happened with you and luz..."
"i know you're going to try and tell me that i should apologize and make up with them," willow just cut to the chase, "but i'm standing my ground. i don't think luz is a terrible person at all, but i'm also not the biggest fan of how i've been treated. so i won't allow it any longer."
"but... how exactly have you been treated?" she knew that this was an innocent question, one that he seemingly didn't want to ask given the way he dragged each word out, but she couldn't help but grit her teeth after it was asked.
"i'm tired of having my feelings, my personal boundaries disregarded all of the time!"
"i understand that willow, trust me, i do," gus was really trying his best here, "but i also know that luz sees you as her best friend, and she only wanted what she thought would be best for you. i don't think she ever wanted to hurt you intentionally."
willow sighed. "but it's not about what she wanted for me, it's about what i want for myself and the boundaries that i set. that alone should be respected augustus."
"okay willow, i get it," gus accepted defeat all too easily, given that he had just gotten off of an hour long phone call with luz and amity ranting about the same topic, "i just hope that you three can all work things out."
"yeah, maybe luz and i can work things out in the future." without saying goodbyes, the call ended at that, no further communication following that.
she tried hard to convince herself that she was in the right in this situation, but the longer she stayed in her room, eyes fixated on her ceiling fan still in motion, the more she felt a wave of sympathy lingering onto her. willow and luz had only been friends for a couple of months sure, but in those couple of months, willow alone had witnessed luz experience many upsetting situations, but none of them had her looking the way she did when willow finally released months of pent up frustration. it was almost as if she could hear a piece of luz's heart break when she started to lay into her.
"i need to go out." it was nearing one o'clock in the morning, but it wasn't rare for witches to go out that late at night. however, her dads kept her on a tight leash even after she got accepted back into hexside, and she knew she couldn't just waltz out the front door without some valid explanation: and a sleepover at the owl house, wouldn't be one of them.
willow glanced over at clover's bed. she really didn't want to wake her palisman who had finally gotten some rest after a long day of willow angrily venting, but she also really couldn't last another second in this room by herself. a talk with her dads, who always tried to encourage her to see the brighter side of things, wouldn't cut it either.
"come on clover," willow picked up her palisman, clover's eyes slowly blinking into consciousness, "we have places to be."
after flying around for what seemed like hours, willow finally decided that the slayground would be the ideal place to stop. since it was so late at night, the chances of bumping into anyone was low, and it was a good enough distance from her own house.
willow placed herself on the swings, clover landing on her shoulder and slowly drifting off to sleep again. willow couldn't help but smile at how adorable clover was, but a sting of loneliness still circulated through her body realizing this meant that she was alone her thoughts again. the only difference, really, was that she wasn't home.
that nobody was around.
which meant that she could let the anger she had been boiling down consume her once again.
"so if you really felt that way why do you keep bothering to come around?"
the nerve! this was her friend group before it was amity's, who did she think she was trying to tell willow what to do with it?
"or are you really just mad that things haven't been going your way lately?"
just thinking about what happened, how once again she was just expected to disregard all of her feelings and pretend like everything was going alright, enraged her. it wasn't fair. if anything, willow had a right to be mad that things "weren't going her way". because not once in her life, did she ever feel like she was in control of any situation she was involved in.
"it's not fair!" willow shrieked, her powers going haywire on the slayground. completely negating to remember that clover was asleep on her shoulder, she felt her palisman frantically jump up, and fly herself across the other side of the park. that right there should've been enough to stop this episode, but it wasn't.
because this was relief.
this was everything that she wanted to let out, but never allowed herself to.
and she'd be damned if she left anyone, or anything, stop her like they did in the past.
"i'm nobody's doormat."
for years, willow had always questioned her own value. because if she couldn't stick up to boscha and amity's mundane insults, then what good could she possibly do? she gave up looking for answers, until luz came into her life. but that seemed to go to shit too.
she felt her powers strengthen themselves in a way that they never had before, and slowly felt her losing more and more control. at this point, she couldn't stop even if she wanted to.
the longer this went on, the more anxious willow began to feel: something that typically never happened when she let her powers unleash themselves like this. she could feel her hands shaking, and the more she tried to ground herself, the more she felt herself losing her grasp on reality.
"okay, you can stop now!" she thought to herself, as if that would immediately undo the mess that's already been made. it was more as though she was pleading with herself, begging for her powers to come back to the internal surface, rather than actively doing something to stop them.
but then she heard of high pitched shriek of pain, one that wasn't her own, and everything had come to a subtle pause. she could see clover still across the park, only this time on the ground and presumably hurt, but the more her powers retreated to their original source, the blurrier she felt her vision get and the weakner her knees became.
falling to her knees, willow slammed her eyes shut, once again attempting to ground herself.
"you're okay.... you can fix this... just breathe...." were all statements running rapidly through her mind, but eventually, they all blended together and became increasingly incoherent.
"c-clover..." was physically the only thing willow could make out. despite the swarm of emotions unleashing throughout her body, her only priority right now was making sure that clover was safe and okay.
her eyes were still closed tightly, but she could feel something land on her shoulder, which she assumed to be clover. she let out a huge sigh of relief, one that made her entire body relax as if she had been restricting air from her body this entire time.
"so, you're going to pay to fix all of this damage right?"
realizing that what was on her shoulder wasn't clover, but rather a hand, willow's eyes shot open. however, she was less focused on turning around to figure out who it was, and more concerned with the scene around her. the slayground was less damaged than it was plant infested, but that still didn't make things any better. even if iit was just a park filled with plants, 90% of the plants had spikey thorns protruding out of them.
after scanning the area, it hit her that it wasn't clover on her shoulder. "clover?!" willow shot up, and ran to the side of the slayground she last seen her on. clover still laid dormant on the ground, and willow quickly scooped her up and pulled her close to her body.
"clover!" willow's voice began to shake, realizing everything that had just happened, "i'm so, so sorry!" clover was obviously still shaken up a bit, but still used her remaining energy to snuggle into willow's chest. willow observed the point of injury, which was a small crack above her right eye, and winced.
"i'm sorry clover." tears threatened to escape, but willow had to pull herself together: after all, she wasn't the one that was in physical pain right now.
"hey, i was talking to you!" willow still had her back turned to the stranger, but the longer that sentence sat in the air, the more she began to recognize that voice.
just great.
willow turned around to face the golden guard, hunter, without his mask on. that was definitely new.
"you clearly see i'm dealing with something, right?"
"well it clearly seems like whatever you're dealing with, is your own fault."
why was everyone so keen on testing willow this week? willow didn't know all too much about this hunter kid, but from what luz had told her in the past, he was a powerless witch: which meant he posed no competition to her, but kicking his ass would be considered treason.
"shouldn't you be doing Emperor Belos's dirty work right now?" she clipped, shooting him the nastiest glare she could muster up.
"what do you think i'm doing right now?" hunter shot back, "besides.. don't you have school in the morning?" to be totally honest following the confrontation, willow had been avoiding school: pretending to leave the house so that her dads wouldn't get suspicious, and then going literally anywhere else that she knew for sure she wouldn't get caught at. but it was wednesday, which meant that if she didn't make an appearance at school within the next three days, her fathers were definitely getting a phone call.
still, hearing someone in her own age group question her about school as if that wasn't where he should be as well was weird. then, willow remembered who he was: emperor belos' lap dog, the teen prodigy who was too good to go to a school like hexside or glandus.
"mind your business." willow's voice came out a lot rougher than she anticipated it too, but she hoped that a harsh tone would be enough to get him to leave her alone. because her powers definitely need a day or two of rest, and she was not going to use clover at all in this state.
"anyways, are you going to do something about the damages or not?"
"does it look like i can do something about them right now?" luz and amity were right, this kid was a pest.
hunter sighed, pulling his staff out from behind his back. willow recognized the palismen, the same little cardinal that was there at palismen adoption day: since he wasn't a hexside student, the revelation threw her off.
"well you better come up with something, and quick," his threatening tone didn't phase her a bit, "i'm sure the last thing you want is to be charged for property damage."
"as if i care." deep down inside, willow did care of course: if she went to jail right now, and somehow someway her dads found a way to bail her out, she would never hear the end of it. that "grounded for 3 years" for being temporarily expelled from hexside, would turn into nine consecutive years.
"wait a minute... you're that human's friend." just hearing that sentence sent a shiver down willow's spine. a week ago, willow would've stood affirmative to that statement.
but now?
"used to be."
the last thing willow wanted to do was bother clover throughout all the pain she was experiencing until she got home and would be able to properly tend to her, so willow turned her back on him and started her walk home. it'd at least be a solid thirty minutes of walking, but it was better than trying to have a standoff with someone who automatically associated her with her former friend.
"i don't know where you think you're going." hunter taunted, but willow opted to ignore him. however, at the blink of an eye, they were standing face to face with each other.
"i'm the golden guard, and i just gave you an order."
"aren't you like... two seconds away from getting demoted?" willow attempted to push past him to no avail, "i don't care about your stupid orders quite frankly." she'd be lying if she said she didn't notice the twinge of pain in hunter's eyes when she made that remark.
"and i quite frankly don't care about your little breakdown from whatever falling out you had," hunter spat back after willow was finally able to get him out of her way, "so i guess that makes two of us who really just don't give a shit."
willow stopped dead in her tracks. who did this kid think he was?
if she wouldn't tolerate amity talking to her like this anymore, she definitely wasn't going to take it from hunter.
"well of course you don't give a shit," willow mumbled, eyes narrowing down at him, "nobody ever does. why would you, of all people?"
hunter tightened his grip on his staff, gritting his teeth. willow couldn't tell if he was just annoyed, or actually gearing up for a fight, but either way she was prepared for the outcome.
a fight based off of brute force would be a walk in the park for her anyways.
"so is this your plan for tonight?" hunter's voice was surprisingly dark, "you're just gonna sit out here all night, destroying shit, wallowing in self pity? because of one inconvenience?" willow scowled at him.
i'm not even going to entertain him with a response, she thought.
"that's kind of dumb, isn't it? to let one small little thing ruin your entire night?"
willow's eye twitched.
"oh, don't have a response all of the sudden? probably because you know it's the truth."
willow clenched her jaw, all of the blood rushing to her face.
"shut. up."
"i'm sorry, what was that? i didn't hear you-"
"i said, shut up!" everything went black. willow could feel her entire body vibrating, and by the time she had snapped back into reality, she found herself looking down at hunter on the ground. she couldn't read his expression, which seemed to be a mix of disgust, anger and shock.
willow knew that hunter was a bad guy. he was the enemy, and there was no changing that given who he's affiliated with. yet, the look on his face, as if he had just witnessed her murder somebody in cold blood, struck a nerve in her body.
"i am so, so sorry, i didn't mean for that to happen and-" willow reached out a hand to help him up while repeatedly stumbling over her own words. hunter swiftly declined the gesture, glaring back at her.
why did this hurt? this was not the kind of person willow wanted to have sympathy for.
she began tearing up, and willow furiously started wiping her face at the tears that did fall.
this is relief.
this is the cost of restricted emotions.
but why doesn't it feel good anymore?
any energy willow had before, was completely depleted now. it made imagining the walk home impossible.
willow found a spot on the ground, keeping an even distance between herself and hunter who had yet to stand up. wanting to avoid another awkward confrontation, willow buried her face in her knees.
"about what you said earlier... that doesn't sound right... if anything the human cares too much." hunter said after a couple of moments.
part of willow didn't even understand why she even considered engaging in this conversation, but another part of her felt relieved that someone that wasn't one of her dads or clover was actually attempting to hear her out for once.
"if your definition of caring is pushing a person too far time and time again, then yeah, i guess you're right about that." willow replied nonchalantly.
"if it makes you feel any better, i've told her before that she never really thinks things through. good intentions, terrible execution." that got willow's attention again, but hunter's eyes seemed fixated on the nighttime sky.
willow sighed. it didn't even feel good to talk about her former friend to somebody who she knew definitely wouldn't side with her or try to play both sides the way gus did on the phone.
"maybe i am overreacting..." thinking back on her actions tonight, she couldn't help but feel embarassed.
"i don't know much about... whatever you two have going on," hunter awkwardly waved his hand in the air, "but if something hurts you, then it hurts you. and i don't think somebody else's hurt feelings can take that away from you."
willow cracked a smile at the affirmation. it felt weird hearing it from someone like him, who already seemed detached from his own emotions nonetheless somebody else's, but it was nice to hear comforting words about the confrontation for once.
"besides," he spoke again, "if you ever wanted to make up with her, i'm sure luz wouldn't be opposed to that at all."
willow allowed the thought to linger: she needed some time for sure, but she also didn't feel all too great being mad at one of the best friends she ever had.
"it's just frustrating," willow started picking at the hem of her skirt, "i feel like everybody just expects me to be okay all the time and to just put up with whatever bullshit they put in my direction. and when things go wrong, when something hurts me, i'm just expected to brave face it all."
hunter turned his attention back to willow, nodding at the statement.
"well that's your problem," hunter started, "you can't just brush things under the rug and expect people to know that it annoys you. if you stay silent, it'll only keep happening, ya'know? and based off of all the hell you've given me tonight with words alone, i know you have it in you."
"i never like getting angry," willow admitted, "as you can tell from the slayground, it's never pretty when i allow myself to get mad. it's better if i just keep it inside."
"maybe it only gets that bad because you bottle it up," hunter pointed out, "if you allowed yourself to express your emotions more often, you probably wouldn't be half as destructive as you are."
"thanks... that means a lot." this would've been a perfect time for willow to say her goodbyes, to start the long walk home, but her feet seemed glued to the ground.
"so...." accidentally having said it in unison, both turned their heads away from each other awkwardly.
"look," hunter sounded exhausted, and judging by the look of his sunken eyes earlier willow wasn't surprised, "i'll cover you for that mess since it seems like you have enough on your plate already. just... promise to get a punching bag or something." willow allowed herself to laugh at what she assumed was a joke, causing hunter to look at her with unexpected surprise.
"i'll work on that." she gave him a reassuring smile, one that didn't feel authentic but didn't feel all the way fake at the same time.
another silence encapsulated the air, but this one felt natural: different from the kind of silence that has a person scrambling through their thoughts, trying to find the perfect thing to say to pick up the conversation again.
after a couple of moments, willow decided it was time to get home, as it was nearing 2:30 AM.
"i guess i should go now," willow smiled halfheartedly, "but thanks... for talking to me. and covering for me. i really appreciate it." hunter's posture stiffened at willow's words.
"don't mention it." hunter stammered, averting his gaze from willow.
"right." willow gave hunter another small smile, before starting her walk home. in the distance, she could hear hunter and his palisman having some sort of banter, with the bird chirping boisterously and hunter pleading with her to calm down. she looked down at clover, who seemed to have fallen asleep in her arms at one point.
maybe things will be alright, she thought to herself as she turned around to get once last glance at hunter.