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It’s not like I don’t have feelings, it’s more like I don’t even care about me (at all); forbidding me to feel anything. Never paying attention to anyone, never caring about anything. Days were passing in front of me like a sigh. Same routine, same behavior. The people around me tried to open me up to them, and some were bearable... others it was just as if they didn’t exist. I couldn’t even remember when I started to act like this... five years ago... maybe six... I couldn’t tell. Living like this was safe, comforting, easy... I was the only one who could hurt me.
I had all that I needed, I wasn’t looking for anyone or anything to feel complete or better or to feel “something”, but now... well, now I’m speaking in past tense because I’m in front of the only person (that I remember) who has managed to take my breath away.
For me, all kinds of love were always something platonic. Distant parents, frivolous friends. Nothing to back me up... So during all this time I’ve learned to seek my own satisfaction, I wasn’t even looking for a distraction, I never felt the need to escape because for me this was just right; but this time.. it was something in his eyes, the way he moved towards me, as if for once it was me who was going to be discarded and in that same instant... reality hit me like a truck. What the fuck I was doing? Looking for acceptance? I ran towards him. Now that he was in front of me I could swear that even if I was not good with words, I’ve never been left blank. So we were just staring at each other, in the middle of the crowd, with the music so loud it rumbled in my head. Feeling the need to escape and at the same time feeling unable to do so.
Suddenly he pushed me towards him holding my neck and, staying inches away, I felt like I was about to faint. He was just there, with his black hair falling on his forehead, his big brown eyes fixed on me, his big lips almost touching mine, so close that I could feel his breath on my skin and I... I could just shiver in excitement. He was waiting for me to make the next move and I was trying to keep this moment forever. My heart was racing like crazy and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt like this. It may seem stupid, but the other times were just... boring? and at this point I supposed that I had lost hope so I was expecting that all the next ones would be the same; but this guy was just... how could I explain it... too much. His face, his moves, his attitude... everything in him was craving for attention and who was I to deny it?
We were already here so what the fuck.
I made my move, I’m kissing him. The other took a while to respond but when he did... wow. It took me less than two seconds to open my mouth for him and it took him less than one to put his tongue inside. I was holding his face while we kissed until I realized what I was doing. His face. Not his back or his ass or.. whatever... Right then I was holding his face, like I really care, and that was um.. strange. Whoever was watching us might think that we were lovers and, damn, I didn’t even know this guy. He must have noticed how I doubted for a moment because he moved away from me, breaking the kiss. And now, with the absence of contact, I was panicking. He was still in front of me but his eyes said that he was wondering what was wrong. Watching him like this, with eyes full of guilt for something that was obviously not his fault, was destroying me. What if I wanted more? What If I wanted more from somebody that I didn’t really know? Was it that bad? I didn’t know exactly what I was planning to do when I..
“I know we don’t know each other, I know I didn’t even know your name but... for this time, and maybe for a bit more... Would you mind kissing me again?”
The words just ran out of my mouth and before I could think about what I had just said, the other started giggling and GOD just the sound of it made me forget the embarrassment of two seconds ago.
“Jimin” He answered, changing the guilty face for a less innocent one “my name is Jimin, and yeah, I would love to kiss you again”
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Loneliness is a dangerous thing. At the beginning can be mistaken for something small, harmless, simple... like a cold; but even the most innocent things can turn in something harmful.
Loneliness can be as deadly as a mortal disease.
Maybe that’s the reason why I became like this. Looking back... yes... that may be the reason. I remember the beginning, I was only twelve. Dark, dark, dark. Feeling desperate to find an exit, a little affection, a reaction, SOMETHING; but as I grew, that feeling grew with me. What started as an innocent search for some care ended with the desperation of finding someone new every night to fill the void that was growing. Pathetic; and dark, really dark. I should have stopped, I should have sought some help, but I didn’t. The need of finding a new way to feel cared was my new drug, and as you can guess affection can be mistaken with something else very, very, easily. The first beating came as a surprise. I wasn’t expecting it and I did nothing to deserve it, turns out I picked the wrong person; but it didn’t matter. It was sudden, unpleasant and so so so scary but for me the feeling of loneliness was more painful than any physical harm and the idea of feeling nothing was scariest than anything so I let myself go. And go, and go, and go... until I really lost myself. So when I woke up one day in a hospital bed, alone, I had to promise myself that it would be the last time. And that's why I ended up closing myself. No more escapades, no more denigration, no more put-downs. No more... nothing. Silence. And here I was again, surrounded by darkness, one more time.
Days, weeks, months went by... and nothing changed. Dark, dark, dark. Same routine, same house, same bedroom. The temptation to relapse was always present, of course, old vices never die, or so they say. So one day, when I got off from work I made a decision. Just one more time. One more night. One last touch. So I did. This is how I ended up in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by people, desperate for the friction of other warm bodies. Dancing? You could call it that. Drinking? For sure. And in the middle of everything, him.
I could recognize that gaze everywhere. I saw it other times, when someone is trapped, like a spell, and when they have that look I always hit the jackpot. He’s handsome, tall, strong, innocent... just my type (as if I had a type at all...) but well if I did, if I really could choose.. it would be that.
It’s easy when they are already lost, it’s much faster to get what I want so I walk and he’s still staring. If the situation were different I could have felt intimidated, maybe I would put my head down and go the other way, but something in him it’s inviting me, craving me, he’s surrounded by people and paying zero attention to them, just staring at me. Only at me. Overwhelming. But before I could get any closer he was already in front of me. Eager. Now, having him just inches away I was starting to feel the heat. Everything on him was shattering, making it so so so easy to give in. But I’m a teaser. I already had what I wanted so I wasn't gonna be the first to give in, even though he was already giving it to me. I got closer, closer, our mouths so close I could feel his breath on my lips. One second. Two seconds. I didn’t have to count to three and he was already kissing me. Pressing his lips so desperately that I almost lost my mind. Our tongues intertwined, tasting each other, licking, biting... We kissed so desperately that I didn't even realize how careful he was. His hands on my face, caressing me and only with that I was almost melting right there. This kind of touch, this type of caring.. It was what I was crying for, every day, every night, like a silly boy so lost to be able to take care of himself. But before I could realize, his pace changed and I fell apart breaking the kiss. Was this too much? Was I asking for more than he can give me? Could he feel my desperation? Oh. He looked at me with those lost puppy eyes and for one moment, just for a second, I could see the same feeling inside them.
“I know we don’t know each other, I know I didn’t even know your name but... for this time, and maybe for a bit more... Would you mind kissing me again?” The other said, avoiding looking at me directly in the eyes.
Okay, this wasn’t what I was expecting. He was clearly a bunch of nerves and red cheeks and all the pressure in my body just came out suddenly in a laugh. Cute. Caring. Save. And at that precise moment, the darkness in my mind turned into a light gray.
“Jimin. My name is Jimin, and yeah, I would love to kiss you again”