Work Text:
"I'm going to waterboard you," Riko hissed, jabbing a finger into the Ronald McDonald's chest.
Ronald narrowed his eyes, scratching his armpit with his middle finger and jabbing it into Riko's bellybutton.
"EEK!!" Riko fell back onto his butt, getting soaked by the gently lapping water. He immediately punched the water. "Don't think I didn't notice you trying to eat me out," Riko yelled at the lake.
The lake did not respond.
Ronald snickered. Riko glared at the clown.
And Ronald McDonald's soft cackles soon transformed into bellowing hysterics. "hehehhehehehehehehhehehehehheEHEHHEHEHHEHEEHHEHEHHEHHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHHE"
Riko backhanded the clown across the face. "Shut the fuck up, Ronald McCuckhold."
"PHloompaloompa." Ronald stared at Riko in shock, exaggerated tears dripping from his wide eyes. "You're going to be Sorry-yama now Moriyama."
And because Riko was weak to terrible, bone rotting puns, he fell in love with Ronald. He was so in love that he wanted to become Riko McMoriyama. And because Riko doesn't know when to stop, he actually wanted to become McRiko McMoriyama.
Ronald blushed because he could read the minds of anyone who loved him. He puckered his big red lips and fluttered his eyelashes waiting for Riko McHottie to kiss him. Riko fulfilled his desires and their lips met.
Sounds of retching could be heard from land. And every single person around the world got a queasy feeling in the pit of their stomach.
The kiss was not what Ronald was expecting. It was disgusting. Riko's slimy tongue greedily slurped up the saliva in Ronald's mouth. Ronald's McNuggets weren't hard anymore. He grabbed Riko's collar and pulled the shirt over the man's face and shoved Riko under the water.
"Grgggglleeeee." Riko's limbs splashed everywhere. Ronald only felt a twinge of guilt. He loosened his grip and let Riko up for air.
Riko gasped, wiping the water from his eyes and coughing out heaving breaths. He sneered at Ronald, sending a shiver down the clown's spine. "You're going to regret that."
Riko violently ripped off Ronald's clown pants and wrapped it around Ronald's mouth and nose.
Riko pulled the clown close and whispered into his ear, "Remember this the next time you try to clown me over." Riko then dug his nails into Ronald's red hair and dragged him under the water.
"McgurggleMcgurggle." Ronald may have been drowning, but anything was better than kissing Riko. Ronald's eyes almost closed forever, but Riko let go and the clown's head shot up out of the water as he horridly gasped for air.
Ronald stared at Riko.
Riko stared at Ronald. "So, when's the wedding?"
Ronald screeched in fury. "McFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Riko gasped, appalled. "How dare you take that tone with me?"
At the same time, they both grabbed each other's head and shoved it under the water. Simultaneous water boarding kink unlocked.
Kevin was sitting on the sand, cradling his carrot cake with his exy stick, while Neil was buried beneath the sand, only his head above the ground and a pair of jorts on his head.
"They make a cute couple." Neil nodded towards the clown and Riko face down in the lake, floating aimlessly with purpose.
Kevin hummed in agreement. "Yeah, because they're dead."
"Oh shit, really?"
Kevin nodded and pointed to the clown. "See? His makeup is melting off his face. That only happens when a ronald mcdonald dies."
Neil looked at Kevin, amazed at the reliable and profound knowledge he bestowed upon Neil. Kevin sure made good use of his history degree, Neil thought.
Neil, Kevin, Jorry the Jorts, Eli the Exy Stick, and Cantaloupe the Carrot Cake watched as the bloated bodies rotated like hot dogs, eventually revealing not one, but TWO riko moriyamas.
It was unclear whether Riko Moriyama was Ronald McDonald OR if Ronald McDonald was Riko Moriyama OR if the Moriyamas were using McDonald's as a front for their gang activity OR if McDonald's was using the Moriyamas as a front for their clown activity.
Later it was found that Riko and Ronald did not actually waterboard each other to death. According to a previous study, when a clown kisses a clown, death follows. The moral of this story is...
We're all clowns, living in a lonely world.