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Everyone had their place in the group. Minhyuk knew that. But he also knew that his place was much smaller than everyone else's.
No, really. Hear him out:
Hyunwoo? The best leader they could ask for on top of his vocals. Hoseok? The softest among them, always comforting whenever they needed it. That, and his amazing singing ability. Kihyun? His caring nature, along with his downright heavenly voice. Hyungwon? The group's visual strength and a beautiful dancer. Jooheon? He's one of the best rappers Minhyuk knows, and he writes and produces. Changkyun? Their baby maknae, but he also raps and writes and produces.
So where did that leave Minhyuk?
You could argue that he can sing. And he would answer that yes, he can, but not nearly as well as anyone else. Well... he's the mood maker. He brightens the room when no one else can. And he would rebut that sure, for now he's the mood maker, but someone like Jooheon or Hoseok could easily take his place.
Minhyuk liked to present himself as someone overflowing with self confidence. But that was only because no one needed to know that he wasn't. Certainly not because he was trying to convince himself it was true, too.
The fact was that without him, the group would be doing just fine. And it was a sad thing to confront, but after time he had accepted it. It was easier that way.
Normally, the awareness of his own lackluster was only a passing thought in that back of his head. He didn’t dwell on it for long because there was really nothing to dwell on. It was just how the world was. Like the earth was round, Minhyuk was inept. Like the sun rose in the east and set in the west, Minhyuk incompetent. Like the tides were at their highest during a full moon, Minhyuk was inadequate. Like the ocean was far deeper than anyone liked to think, Minhyuk was useless. These things were laws of the universe. They were how the world worked. What was the point in obsessing over something that just… was?
But today. He woke up and immediately realized that it was not going to be a good day for his mind.
Hyunwoo had informed the rest of them a few days ago that he was going to enlist, and it was a hard hit. They all knew it was coming, soon rather than later. Minhyuk knew that deep down he was proud of their leader for doing his duty to his country. It was just so sudden. All of them would have to do it eventually; this seemed like it started the ticking clock for the rest of them.
What if Minhyuk watched some of their videos without him when he was serving and they weren’t unhappy at all?
He shook the question out of his head as soon as it entered. Wishing for the others’ sadness for the sake of your “self-esteem” is kinda selfish of you, don’t you think?
Looking back, Hyunwoo had been filming a lot more content than usual. Maybe Minhyuk should’ve picked up on it, should’ve connected the dots.
On the bright side, the company was being generous enough to give them a week off, and they were all going to spend as much of it with Hyunwoo as they could. Sure, they would be expected to film little five-minute vlogs here and there, to take selfies together, just to make sure there was a surplus of Shownu related content for the fans, but other than that they were free to do whatever they wished.
The first day of that vacation was already not looking to be a good one.
There was something… off. Nothing had really happened. But right when he woke up there were buzzers going off. His mind was blank. He had thought of nothing. And yet, today was not going to be a good day, he was sure of it.
He stretched, and the bones in his back cracked too much to be healthy. It didn’t hurt; quite the opposite, actually. While the sound was shockingly loud, so much so that he was surprised Kihyun didn’t come in to make sure he was still standing, the relief in his spine was also great. It didn’t feel like there was a bunch of bubble wrap wedged in between each bone anymore.
He walked into the bathroom across the hall. There was an electric razor sitting on the side of the sink. Minhyuk knew that, logically, it was just a razor that one of the others had used to shave their stubble. But logic didn’t do much to help once he had already started on his downward spiral.
Did Hyunwoo shave his head today? Did I get the date wrong? Is today enlistment day?
All thoughts of using the toilet had been abandoned the moment he caught sight of the razor. He rushed out of the bathroom down to the living room.
Why didn’t anyone wake me up?
And then:
What if they didn’t want me there? What if Hyunwoo didn’t want me to be there to send him away?
But when he got out to the public area of the dorm, instead of a dismissive note explaining their absence, he found Hyunwoo sitting calmly on their couch, reading a book, and still with a full head of blessed, blessed black hair. He felt himself slump, laughing inwardly at his own stupidity.
I can’t believe I thought…
He shook his head, sending that train of thought careening off its tracks. If he put the words into his head again he wouldn’t be able to ignore them, not even when he had proof of their invalidity sitting right before his very eyes.
Minhyuk skidded across the hardwood floor, barely managing to not faceplant when he stopped himself behind Hyunwoo. He caught himself on the couch, gripping tightly. After he regained his balance, he bent over and buried his face in the leader’s hair, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, uncomfortably aware that this would be one of the last times he smelled it for over a year.
For his part, Hyunwoo didn’t express all that much concern.
“Is there any particular reason for this, Minhyuk?” he asked, not looking up from his book.
“Nope.”
Hyunwoo sighed, glad the younger man couldn’t see the slight fond smile on his face. He continued reading, chalking the behavior up to being another Minhyuk-ism.
Minhyuk eventually moved when he heard doors being opened down the hall. He climbed over the couch, curling up next to Hyunwoo, who sighed and wrapped an arm around him.
Kihyun was the next to emerge, smiling softly at the pair.
“What do you two have in mind for breakfast?” he called out in a whisper.
Minhyuk looked up at him. “Do you mind making pancakes? Please, Kihyunnie?”
Kihyun rolled his eyes playfully, putting his hands on his hips. “You never can pick something easy, can you?” Nevertheless, he opened up cupboards and pulled out the pan, bowls, and ingredients.
Minhyuk grinned, leaning over the back of the couch. “Thank you, Kihyun!”
“Yeah, yeah.”
The clanging must’ve been loud enough to wake up whoever else was just bordering the edge of consciousness. Changkyun and Jooheon lumbered out of their rooms. Jooheon kept going until he landed on the couch next to Hyunwoo, where he promptly closed his eyes and fell back asleep. The maknae, on the other hand, turned into the kitchen, leaning on the wall. He attempted to whistle at the sight of all of the ingredients laid out, but this early in the morning it couldn’t be expected for him to do too well at it.
“Damn, hyung,” he said, “you’re really going all out. Not even using the Bisquick?”
The sentence, which was supposed to be teasing, didn’t have its full effect given the fact that it was repeatedly interrupted by Changkyun yawning. He rubbed his eye with his fist.
“Shush, you. If you’re not gonna help, go and sit out there with the rest of them.”
Changkyun was sent in to wake up Hyungwon and Hoseok once breakfast was ready. They all ate and enjoyed themselves, complimenting the chef.
“So, what are we doing today?” asked Hoseok. He put down his fork.
They shrugged, looking at Hyunwoo.
“You’re the star of the show,” said Hyungwon.
The leader seemed to consider for a moment before speaking.
“I want to spend today in the dorm with all of you. It’s not even a nice day outside.” He motioned to the window, which was being pelted with rain. “Besides, we have the rest of the week to go out. Let’s just do today classic-style.”
He was met with no protests. They played rock-paper-scissors for who would have to clean up the kitchen. The losers were Jooheon and Hyunwoo (don’t think that he was exempt from this; if anything, they wanted him to lose more than ever. Think of it as a going away present.)
Minhyuk went in to brush his teeth, figuring that there was no reason to not shower since he wasn’t going to do a workout today. He stood with the water running down and over his body until Hoseok came knocking on the door, yelling for him to get out and let someone else have a turn. Minhyuk was grateful for the disturbance, though he played the part of annoyed so as not to seem strange to Hoseok. If he was left alone with his thoughts for much longer he would’ve ended up straying even further down the path that he wouldn’t be able to turn back on.
He rubbed his hair with the towel, not taking much care to get it all the way dry, instead opting to rub his head up against Changkyun’s shoulder when he sat down next to him on the couch. The youngest groaned, shoving him away.
“You’re getting my shirt wet!”
Minhyuk laughed, turning to Kihyun and doing the same. Kihyun pushed him as well, but Minhyuk didn’t give up as easily this time. He kept coming back, not abandoning the pursuit. Eventually Kihyun sighed and gave up, letting Minhyuk dry his hair using his shirt.
For the next few hours they sat together in the living room, watching movies and dramas and laughing when Minhyuk tried to recreate scenes playing all the roles himself. Once Jooheon jumped up and joined him, and together they acted out a confession-in-the-rain scene. Hyungwon booed them, criticizing that there weren't enough long pauses filled by staring longly into each other’s eyes with no acknowledgement of the fact that they were both soaked.
Somewhere along the way they started talking about what it would be like without Hyunwoo with them.
“Who’s gonna be our third vocalist?” asked Hoseok. “You’re gonna leave me and Kihyun all alone here!”
The leader shook his head, chuckling. “You’ll have Hyungwon and Minhyuk. Hell, even Jooheon and Changkyun can sing.”
“Why, I’m flattered, hyung,” Jooheon said. A glint appeared in his eye. “But you’ll have to cross one name off of that list. Isn’t that right, Kyunnie?” He elbowed Changkyun in the side. Changkyun grunted, giving him a what-the-hell look. Jooheon tilted his head meaningfully in the direction of everyone else. Changkyun’s eyes widened and he nodded in realization.
“Oh, yeah. I don’t think that Minhyuk-hyung is quite able to reach the level we all are.”
“Changkyun, what-” Kihyun whispered next to him under his breath.
“Play along,” he hissed back.
Minhyuk didn’t pick up on any of this exchange. His mind was too distracted.
don’t think...quite able to reach the level…
Kihyun sighed. He had a bad feeling about this. Still, he couldn’t help but go with it. Minhyuk teased him about being short so many times; it was Kihyun’s turn for revenge.
“I have to agree with them on this one. Minhyuk can’t just can’t sing like the rest of us. It’s sad, really,” he said, giving a mock-sympathetic look.
“Seriously?” Minhyuk asked, mind whirling.
“Seriously,” Hyungwon put in his two cents, nodding solemnly.
“I- is that true? Do you all think that?” he stammered, whipping his head around. The four who were talking all looked earnest, and the other two just looked amused by the conversation. Finding no support, he felt himself tearing up, the doubts inside himself surging with the help of their words.
Jooheon was the first to notice his distress.
“Hyung? Are you okay? We didn’t mean anything by it.”
But it was too late. Everything that had been building up since he woke up was hitting him like a stack of bricks.
Kihyun scoffed. “He’s just pretending, Jooheon. Any second now he’ll start laughing at us for falling for it. You know how he is, always playing pranks.”
Except that didn’t happen. After several seconds passed with no break, Kihyun started getting anxious. And then the tears became visible, streaking down Minhyuk’s face.
Hyunwoo stared at him for a moment before deciding what to do. He pulled Minhyuk into his side, placing his chin on top of the other man’s head.
“It’s okay, baby. Try and calm down for me, please. Calm down for hyung. I know you can do it. I believe in you.”
Changkyun, not looking away from the sight, opened the corner of his mouth and whispered to Kihyun, “I don’t think he’s faking.”
Kihyun shook his head slowly. “I don’t think so either.”
Hoseok leaned onto Minhyuk’s other side, caging him between him and Hyunwoo. The pressure seemed to help Minhyuk gather himself; within the next few minutes the tears had all but ceased, leaving behind an embarrassed Minhyuk with a damp face and red eyes.
“Listen- can we just all forget this happened? We can go back to our movie,” he begged from his position in the middle of the two older members.
“I’m afraid not,” Hoseok sighed. “We need to figure out what upset you so that we can avoid doing it again. Was it them teasing you about your singing?”
Minhyuk squirmed. “We don’t have to do this! This is supposed to be hyung’s week,” he mumbled. “I don’t want to make it all about me.”
Hyunwoo frowned, grabbing Minhyuk by the chin and turning his head to face him.
“First of all, this week isn’t about me. It’s about all of us. Second, even if it was, I would still make time for you. If all of you aren’t happy then I don’t want it.”
“So please, tell us what’s wrong,” continued Hoseok.
“I guess it’s just that- do you guys think that I do anything for the group?”
“Of course you do, hyung, you can- oh my god, this is because of what we said, isn’t it? I’m so sorry, hyung! We didn’t mean any of it, you can sing just as good as the rest of us, better than me and Changkyun by a long shot,” Jooheon rambled.
“Jooheon, relax,” said Hyungwon, placing a hand on his shoulder. Then he looked at Minhyuk, making sure to lock eyes with him. “He’s right though, hyung. You’re a really talented singer, and so many people look up to you for it. I look up to you for it. I’m sorry I made you doubt that.”
“But that’s all I can do,” Minhyuk protested.
Changkyun spoke up this time. His eyebrows were furrowed. “That’s not true. You can dance well, too. So you don’t help out with lyrics or producing as much as some others. So what? You don’t have to do that to be an important part of the team.”
They all looked at the one who had yet to say anything. Kihyun felt incredibly guilty. He was supposed to be the nurturing one, goddammit!
I knew that this was a bad idea. Why didn’t I listen to myself? Now you’ve gone ahead and made him cry! Are you happy with yourself?
He cleared his throat. This wasn’t the time to throw himself a pity party.
“I want to start off by saying that I’m really, really sorry that I said all of that. I should’ve known better. The next thing, Minhyuk, is that you do so much for us that you don’t even realize. You are such a bright source of positive energy. I don’t think that we would be able to enjoy ourselves nearly as much if we didn’t have you with us.” His voice, which had previously been shaky, was now much stronger. “You are a vital member of this group. You are just as important and contribute just as much as everyone else. We wouldn’t be able to do this without you.”
Minhyuk could feel himself tearing up again, but for different reasons this time. They had just taken each part of his insecurities and explained why they weren’t true at all, why they were complete nonsense. And it had never felt this good to be proven wrong before.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything. Maybe thank you. Maybe something else entirely. He guessed he would never know. Either way, nothing came out. His mouth closed without making a noise, but they all looked like they understood anyway.
They focused their attention back on the movie. Minhyuk didn’t get up and act this time, but he was content to watch Jooheon and a reluctantly participating Changkyun who Jooheon had dragged in do it instead. He stayed snuggled into the leader’s side. He could feel Hyunwoo’s soft inhales and exhales. Hoseok had eased up on his other side, sitting up but not entirely removing the pressure that he knew Minhyuk appreciated.
Minhyuk knew that he wouldn’t be able to replace Hyunwoo once he was away. No one would. But then again, no one would be able to replace him either. And judging by the others’ words earlier, they wouldn’t want anyone to. Everyone was much too important to be replaced as easy as that. He was much too important.
It was a comforting thought.