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After living together for almost a year in Singapore it was difficult staying in quarantine for fourteen days, being separated from Eddy.
The first few nights Brett would wake up disoriented. The seconds of being barely conscious made his mind forget they were not in their home anymore, instead he was surrounded by unfamiliar pillows and hazy shadows casted around the room from the sliver of the streetlights that peaked through the curtain.
They were used to traveling most of their lives, seeing new countries and places, staying at friends or different hotels, it was nothing new for Brett, and yet, after such a long time of not doing any of that it felt strangely uncomfortable.
Brett felt like he was going crazy in the span of just a few days. There was the routine he created for himself and with Eddy during video calls: when they would practice violins, when they scheduled filming few videos and brainstorming for new ones in the future. When he tried to keep in shape with some exercising, when he rested, when he practiced Ÿsaye and other pieces for upcoming videos.
He was slowly getting restless and exhausted by the same space around him, the same walls and same air. He missed direct social interactions the most, as an extroverted being that needed to be on the move constantly, it felt like being slowly suffocated. All day he could see the same furniture inside his small hotel room and the view from the window greeted him only with cold grey brick stones, too silent, mocking him while cutting him off from any sign of life from the outside world.
(Apparently it was just his luck - Eddy received a hotel room with a much better view and even some fans waved at him from time to time. He imagined Eddy playing the violin close to the window, putting on a show for the passersby with his charming smile as he would draw out music from his violin, always a sight to see.)
He missed Eddy and his stream of thoughts about various topics he came across on the internet, be it for their youtube channel related themes or his own interests. He could always listen to him rambling and nerding out for hours, and he tried to memorize Eddy's new favorite pieces or even pop songs he played around their flat. He missed his lively energy and contagious carefree laughter that could go on for minutes if Brett cracked the right joke for him.
Some days during the rest of the quarantine he could only get lost in his thoughts. When even playing his violin was frustrating, each missed note or too slow adjusting of his fingers added to the pile to his annoyance, he would lay on his bed, clutching to his chest the "Stroke to get an A 440" pillow he received from Eddy as a Christmas present. (It was still a bit cringy gift, but it made him feel loved and warm when all he felt besides that was cold inside and outside).
He knew a change was coming.
There was always something changing and growing in his and Eddy’s lives. A canvas full of stories to be told, music to be played.
But up until now it always felt like something was connecting him and Eddy closer together - their apparel brand, living together, the pandemic which didn’t allow them to visit their families sooner.
And as much as he hated the foul taste on his tongue of remembering his illness in the months before, Eddy was there for him through it all, taking care of every smallest detail, and Brett couldn’t ask for anyone better at his side over the duration.
He didn’t like feeling weak or others taking care of him, but without Eddy he couldn’t imagine how he would survive otherwise. It was one of the scariest moments in his life, in his mind on the same level as recalling when Eddy had to be in a wheelchair after overworking himself during uni. Some of the darkest parts in their lives.. and they managed to overcome them together too. Being able to lean on Eddy like this was something new for him, when all he ever tried to be the strong person handling everything by himself or for Eddy as well.
But they missed their families, so of course they would not live together during this time back.
Brett would go back to his family’s house, and Eddy would go to his own, and they would film at Eddy’s few days a week and Brett would go back to his after that.
(He doesn’t want to call his family's house home. It doesn’t feel like home, it didn’t for a long time, maybe even from before he and Eddy found a place in Singapore. Maybe not any place would ever be a home for him. Maybe that’s not a place at all, but rather someone . He didn’t want to think about the implications of that.)
So that was the plan, and everything about that sounded reasonable, sensible.
But it still didn’t make it easier for Brett to feel happy about it.
He was worried with the more distance between them, he would lose.. something. His place at Eddy’s side, maybe.
He felt his phone vibrate beside him and when he looked, Eddy’s face was announcing his call, like he was sensing his thoughts from the other room. Brett smiled as he picked up the phone, turning on the video call as a new wave of warmth flooded his veins, his thoughts for a moment pushed to the side, focusing only on Eddy and his smiling face in front of him (not close enough).
----
In the end he didn’t have to worry too much about it.
It turned out Eddy wasn’t as happy with the idea of staying separated either. He didn’t say so outright, but Brett could read him pretty well by now. It was in the small things like a goodbye hug at the end of a day lasting a few minutes too long, or a glance his way that said more than Eddy probably wanted to say; a touch of hands that wasn’t just casual.
Eddy always made sure to let Brett know he could stay over if they filmed until it was too late in the night, which coincidentally started happening more often. So Brett stayed.
He started leaving his change of clothes there again, just like he did all the time before, (more often than not he stole some of Eddy’s warm bigger hoodies, they were just too comfy not to). A new toothbrush appeared in the bathroom, beside Eddy’s, along with a towel and a few other essentials. It made Brett feel welcome, almost like they were back to living together in Singapore.
It was only logical, as Eddy put it, when after a few days of Brett complaining about his sore back from the couch, Eddy offered they could share the bed, it was big enough for both of them anyway, and much more comfortable. Brett could never say no to Eddy’s puppy eyes.
First few nights they slept turned away from each other, but soon enough Brett started to wake up with Eddy wrapped all around him, holding gently Brett’s head under his chin, almost protectively. Something within Brett wanted to cry from happiness. He didn’t remember getting a better night’s sleep and that ever present feeling of being touch-starved for this particular sort of touch dissipated slowly, day by day. He made sure to make Eddy a good breakfast the next day and maybe also buy him his favorite bubble tea.
They still went to sleep on opposite ends of the bed. Well, Brett went to sleep first, tired from all day of playing violin and filming, but Eddy would insist on going to sleep too, or at least try to. His presence lulled Brett to sleep soon enough. When Eddy still couldn’t fall asleep before midnight, he had a habit of reading either a book or scrolling through social media for some time and Brett would fall asleep to fingers cradling through his hair softly. If he was a cat he would be purring from the soothing touches.
Eddy's bedroom never made him feel disoriented even if it was a room he never visited much before. Something about all the familiar colors on the walls of the house, as well as Eddy next to him, let him always sleep peacefully, helped him feel grounded.
---
One day Brett woke up to a quiet “Good morning” coming from next to him, and was surprised to see Eddy already awake, watching him with a small smile playing on his lips. It didn’t seem like he was tired from staying up too late, which meant he hopefully got enough sleep too, but it was still unusual to see him up so early. Unusual but not unwelcome.
“Hey,” Brett slowly peaked out from under the blanket, reaching over to put on his glasses so he could see better. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah, never better, actually. Did you?” Eddy asked, still watching him. He didn’t seem bothered to put on his own glasses yet, and Brett found himself captured by his beautiful brown eyes. He could never find the courage to look into them for too long, afraid of what his reflection might look like to Eddy. Too visible, too exposed.
“That’s good, that’s good, yeah. Me too.” He managed to push the words out just as Eddy reached out one hand to run through Brett’s hair, moving a few strands to the side from his forehead.
Brett could only close his eyes, feeling so comfortable. “Be careful or I could get used to this.”
“Good. Then I will keep that in mind.”
“Eddy…” Suddenly Brett felt more awake than a second ago. He frowned slightly at Eddy, but the younger man didn’t stop in his caressing, only kept looking at him with an expression Brett couldn’t quite place.
“Brett…?” he was almost pouting at Brett, he was doing that on purpose. How did he look so adorable first thing in the morning Brett didn’t know.
“I’m not sure.. I mean, I guess we should finally talk about this, hey? I don’t know what this means for us.”
“I don't know either. I just know I sleep much better with you here. It's like I was missing this the whole time and when it happened, everything clicked to the right place. I don't know what it means for us, I just know that if you feel this too, it will be okay?” Brett felt a thin layer of insecurity in Eddy’s voice and wanted to fix that immediately. If Eddy wanted something more.. he almost didn’t dare to hope.
“I'm not sure what I feel. I hate that feelings are sometimes so complicated. I know I love you. I do, so much, Eddy. I just never really understood in what way. You were always outside every box I created in my mind. Always the exception and always the fixed point.”
“I feel that, too. I know I need you by my side, that always made sense to me. I think I realized way too late, only recently, that it is in a different way than a best friend.”
“I'm just so afraid.”
“Afraid of what? You're never afraid of anything.”
“Afraid of losing you .” He wouldn't cry now, he wouldn’t, Brett told himself even when he felt his lips quiver slightly at the last word, throat closing, either his greatest dreams or worst nightmares both within reach, and the latter would destroy him completely.
“Oh. Oh, Brett, you're never going to lose me. That was never going to happen. I.. I had my doubts about this too. But I need you more than to give any of this between us up. So whatever this means, I hope, no, I know , we can still be there for each other if this doesn't work out. We will always find a way.” Eddy was looking at the verge of tears too, so Brett brought both of his hands to himself and placed a kiss on the back of each hand, clutching them tightly.
“We will make it work, then. I promise you.”
“Okay, good. Good, we will figure it out together. I love you, Brett.” Even his name on Eddy’s lips felt like a hug. Eddy kissed his forehead as he cuddled to him.
“I love you too, Eddy.” Brett was never afraid of saying that to anyone. He loved being in love with the world and its people and music. But to Eddy now - he finally didn't have to hide the secret meaning under, like the countless times he said it before.
Brett scooted closer to Eddy, wrapping arms gently around him, stroking his back, exhaling and feeling the love and warmth from his partner.
"Do you wanna get coffee later?"
"Would love to."
They would figure it out together, Brett was sure now. They might define their relationship with something new, or not, but Brett was happy to be ever so closer to Eddy, after worrying they might drift apart. It was the best outcome he could dream of.
Their love for each other perhaps wasn’t the usual romantic type, but it was love stronger than anything they had with anyone else before. More than enough for a lifelong commitment to one another.
Suddenly, leaving back to his family house and spending more time with them there wasn’t such a distressing thought as some time ago, and Brett was all the more excited to come home back to Eddy, knowing they would always be by each other’s side.