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i.
It is the end of the world.
It is the end of the world, and all you can do is hold Sha-Ming close to you.
There is no one left but the two of you. All your friends are dead, or in cold sleep, and who’s to say the rest of the galaxy hasn’t perished as well? How can you even be sure that the two of you are not the last people left in the universe?
You rest your head on Sha-Ming’s chest to listen to the rhythmic beat of his heart. Sha-Ming has you pulled flush to him, his hands playing with your hair. Your legs are tangled with his, a reassuring warmth.
“Few more minutes now, babe,” he says. He presses a soft kiss onto the crown of your head. You didn’t realize how gentle Sha-Ming could be. You wish you had known sooner.
Only a few more minutes until the universe is destroyed because of him, you think. Only a few more minutes before the world ends because you failed to catch on to the fact he was the bug.
“So, before we go,” Sha-Ming begins, “will you do one other favor for me?”
“Sure,” you say, and raise your head.
“Will you kiss me?”
“You didn’t even need to ask.”
You lean in and cup his face, press your lips to his. He is clumsy, awkward, and so eager your noses bump together. His lips are a bit chapped, and his hands are still tangled in your hair.
It is the end of the world, and all you know is this: Sha-Ming is a bad kisser. But you will kiss him, again, and again, until you drown in it.
ii.
The both of you are good at pretending.
Sha-Ming cheers as you land a hit with your cue stick, billiard balls bouncing around the green velvet until one of them slides down a hole.
“Nice shot, babe!” he says.
You smile. “Yeah? Try to beat that.”
With his usual swagger, Sha-Ming carefully aims and shoots, only to hit the cue ball directly into the hole.
You beat him easily after that, and then there are the movies. Something dramatic and loud plays, with an appropriate number of explosions and fighting.
You aren’t really paying attention. You don’t think Sha-Ming is, either.
With a casual yawn and a move ingrained in boys across the galaxy, he carefully puts his arm around you. You barely react except to pull down the arm divider so you can rest your head on his shoulder.
“The movie is kind of bad,” you remark.
“Do you want to watch something else?”
The two of you browse through a seemingly infinite catalogue of films until your head is pounding. Now, there is dinner, prepared for you both by LeVi.
Sha-Ming grins at you across his bowl of noodles. “Do you want some, babe?”
He holds out his chopsticks, and you lean over to take a bite. It’s salty and rich from the lingering taste of broth.
The two of you stay in the cafeteria for as long as you can, even after your plates are empty. You whittle away the hours with casual chatter. At some point, you’ve moved across the table to sit next to him.
And then, there are ten minutes until warp, and LeVi is reminding everyone to return to their rooms. Sha-Ming takes you to yours, lingers outside your door.
“Are you sure people can’t share rooms, LeVi?” he asks casually. You roll your eyes at his question.
“I apologize, but no. This is for everyone’s safety. As long as there is gnosia infection detected, such actions are forbidden.”
Sha-Ming sighs, and you kiss him on the cheek.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you say.
It’s an empty promise. The two of you may not have tomorrow.
But Sha-Ming is grinning. “I understand. You want to get rid of the gnosia infection as soon as possible so you can spend the night with me, huh?”
“Go back to your room,” you say, and close the door.
In the sudden privacy, you touch your lips, recalling the warmth of his cheek. This was a particularly cruel loop, you think. For him to want to love you like this when you don’t even know if he’s human, when every move of his might be calculated to fool you.
It would be your fault if he did, because you were weak to his smile and his offer to drag you on an impromptu date after discussion ended.
The two of you are good at pretending. So for one more night, you dream of an ordinary love with him.
iii.
“I want to join you.”
Out of all the things Sha-Ming has said to ensure his own survival, you think this is the most desperate. Grovelling? Kissing ass? Bargaining? You thought you had seen it all, and yet he continues to surprise you.
“Join me?” You want to laugh. “Do you even realize what you’re asking?”
“Well, yeah, you guys are just gonna chuck me out the airlock anyways, right? It wouldn’t hurt to have one more gnosia helping you guys out.”
“You’re annoying,” you tell him bluntly. “It’d be easier to kill you than turn you into gnosia.”
Sha-Ming holds up his hands. “Come on, babe, if you really hated me that bad, you wouldn’t have collaborated with me, right?”
Maybe he is right. Maybe you love him, would collaborate with him whenever it was possible in every loop. Maybe you had kept him alive in this loop, too, because you were selfish; maybe that was the reason you were entertaining his ridiculous offer, even now.
It would have been kinder to send him off to Gnos as soon as you could instead of prolonging his suffering. If you kill him now, you could end the loop and be on your way.
But you want to keep Sha-Ming close to you, desperately, foolishly, even if for one more moment.
“I partnered with you because it was convenient. The longer you drag this out, the more it’ll hurt.”
“So just turn me into gnosia. I’m right here, aren’t I?”
“It’s not that easy.” You close your eyes. “Gnosia can’t infect other people. You’re sent a sort of signal from Gnos--”
“Great! How do you get Gnos to do that?”
“Gnosia are the enemy of humanity,” you snap. “Why would you even want to subject yourself to that? You’re going to be hunted down no matter where you go. You’re going to have your brain rewired. Do you really want to survive that badly?”
For a second, you think you’ve convinced him.
“But you’re one,” he says quietly. “You’re one of them.”
You can’t look him in the eyes. You’re afraid of what Sha-Ming will see in your face if you do.
“It might be better to die as a human than to live like this. You’ll be throwing away your entire life.”
“It’s better than being dead. Hey, how about this?”
“What?” you ask, against your better judgement.
“If you turn me into gnosia, and we land on some poor, unsuspecting planet, I’ll take you on a date.”
“A date? You’re offering to become gnosia for a date?” you say slowly.
Sha-Ming shrugs. “What about it?”
“I bet you would say this to anyone.”
“Nah, just you. No one else would ever give me the time of day. So? What about it? Not a bad offer, huh? I mean… we’re still partners, aren’t we?” His voice cracks imperceptibly at the end. If you hadn’t spent so many loops with him, you might not have noticed.
You had assumed his desire to become gnosia was some sort of ploy to survive. But what if there is more to it? What if he felt even a fraction of the things you felt for him? You would have preferred it if he hated you. Things would have been easier that way.
How could he do this? How could he love you when you’re a monster? Because, gods, you want to give him forever. You want to give him a future, an eternity. You want him to live, no matter what.
You turn away before Sha-Ming can see the tears gather in your eyes. You are so tired, and you don’t want him to see you so weak.
But he’s by your side before you can pull away, alarm evident in his voice. “Hey, my proposal wasn’t that awful, was it? Er, we don’t have to go on a date, if you don’t want to.”
He reaches out a hand, clumsily brushing away at your tears. You had thought he would be too afraid to touch you after everything you had done.
“Sha-Ming,” you say. “I’m going to ask you one more time. Are you sure about becoming gnosia?”
“If all gnosia are as hot as you are, then no shit I want to become one.”
You laugh at his words, forgetting your tears.
Maybe he is using you. Maybe you’re using him. Does it matter? Even if you were to travel to the furthest corner of the universe, even if you never escaped looping, you will always love him.