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as much as chuuya wanted it to be kept under wraps, anyone could see his feelings for dazai. dazai himself most likely knew about chuuya’s feelings for him. and he definitely ignored them. chuuya wasn’t offended by this, he was glad, actually. facing his feelings was never something the ginger liked to do. it made him feel weak, vulnerable, like he needed someone. which he definitely didn’t.
maybe that’s part of the reason chuuya fell for him. dazai never made him feel that way, he never made chuuya feel like he had to face that vulnerability. but then again, they never spoke about their feelings.
and that was perfectly fine. chuuya didn’t want to speak about his feelings. chuuya didn’t want to feel. he didn’t need any feelings, besides the anger and annoyance that often bubbled up because dazai brought it out of him. ‘guess dazai really does bring out the worst in him, huh.
chuuya didn’t have a problem with it, though. it’s better to have emotions like annoyance or anger brought out instead of happiness, or sadness, emotions that equate weakness, right? dazai is the same way, right?
it didn’t take chuuya long to realize he was utterly wrong.
when dazai gushed to chuuya about some man he met, oda sakunosuke, for the first time, he saw genuine happiness in dazai’s eyes. he went on and on for hours about how oda made him feel, and how much fun he had with him and ango.
dazai never had that gleam when talking to chuuya. dazai never talked about him to other people, he knew that for sure. so why is he ranting to him about oda sakunosuke? what was so special about him?
was he easier to talk to than chuuya? was he kinder? did he have a heart of gold that drew dazai in?
did dazai like him more than chuuya?
oda sakunosuke took over their conversations completely when they were not on missions together. it brought out something chuuya has never felt before. jealousy. it was like a burning at the back of his throat, waiting to be let out, wanting to scream at dazai about how he’s right here. he wanted to scream at dazai that oda wasn’t that special, he couldn’t be that special.
was that so wrong of him? was it wrong of him to feel jealous, to feel anger at a man he’s never met? was it wrong of him to feel this newfound emotion?
well, yes, it was. it was stupid of him to feel. it was stupid of him to even get worked up over dazai’s friend, it was stupid of him to even think for a second that dazai would talk about him like he talks about oda. dazai would never treat him like how he treats oda. dazai would never let chuuya in at least last one of his walls like he’s done with oda.
chuuya would forever stay at a standstill with dazai, he would stay in a dull, bleak, relationship with him while oda and dazai moved forward.
but he couldn’t let that happen, he shouldn’t let that happen. he likes dazai, so he should just tell him that, right? he should make it clear that dazai doesn’t need to gush about oda when he’s right there.
and so, he did. but it ended with a painful rejection. it ended with dazai letting him down gently (as gently as he could) and turning it into a joke.
“dazai, i like you.”
“stupid chibi! did you forget that dogs shouldnt like their masters?”
chuuya’s heart hurt after that. it hurt the same way it hurt when he was betrayed by the sheep.
was that all he was to dazai? a dog who no matter how many time he hurt his feelings, chuuya would always come running back to him.
chuuya learned that he could not compete with oda sakunosuke. he would never be able to. it made him feel bitter. it made him feel empty. was he not enough? was he not worth it?
but then again, why would he be worth it? the people who he considered his family betrayed him. they treated him as if he were no more than a spec of dirt. but then again, that’s how it’s been all his life. he’s been thrown away time and time again, his loyalty being his enemy. was that how it would always be?
maybe he’s just a dumb dog after all. all he knows is how to come running back to the person he’s loyal to, forgiving them, even if they’ve broken his trust time and time again. it would stay this way with dazai forever. he knew it would.
when oda sakunosuke died and dazai left the port mafia, the jealousy came back up to the back of his throat, itching to be let out. but that time, he let it out. he let it all out until his whole office was destroyed. he screamed until he had no voice left, and he went and got drunk off his ass until he couldn’t feel the pain anymore.
because, once again, he was betrayed and abandoned, by the one he loved.
at that point, he had no one to blame but himself. he wished he could go back in time and make the feelings go away. he wished he could just let dazai go on with his rambling about oda and gush about him all he wants.
he wished he didn’t let his jealousy slip when dazai went to go help oda.
he wished he didn’t feel.
when dazai let himself be captured to get information, it was hard to see him act so different. seven years. he hasn’t seen dazai in seven years and yet, he felt himself wanting to run back to dazai like a dumb dog who hadn’t seen its master in years.
god, he was such an idiot. he was playing a fools game. that’s all he’ll ever do. play a game he knows he’ll lose. he’s a fool, and he knows it.
all he’ll ever be is a dumb dog.