Work Text:
Cold, Blank, Empty
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Eren yelped as a Titan went to grab him. The Scouts were currently on the 60th expedition, trying to clear a way for the operation to retake Wall Maria.
Eren quickly attaches his cables to the Titan's back and quickly slashes his nape,
"Haha!" Eren shouts happily, "Third ODM kill! Awesome!"
Eren's celebration was cut short when another Titan swipes at him, he quickly moves out of the way. He watches as Connie quickly kills the Titan.
Eren smiles and nods to him; Connie nods back.
On the other side of the battlefield, Captain Levi was having a much harder time.
"Damn it, you brats!" He shouts as the new recruits, "MOVE!"
Levi watches in frustration and anger as a few of the recruits are quickly eaten.
"Damn it! Damn it!" Levi quickly saves a recruit from a Titan's grip, "These newbies are sitting ducks out here!"
Levi quickly makes his way over to his squad, "Alright! Retreat!" He orders, "We're falling back to base!"
The squad quickly zips back to their horses, starting to gallop back to base.
"SHIT!"
Eren turns to see Jean in a Titan's grip, his eyes widened, "Jean!"
Eren goes to turn his horse around,
"Don't you dare, Jaeger!" Levi shouts, "Don't turn back!"
Eren ignores Levi and quickly turns his horse around and galloping straight for the Titan that had Jean.
"Eren!" Mikasa shouts,
"Brat!" Levi yells, "Turn your ass back around!"
Eren growls, ignoring Levi's order again, using his ODM gear to anchor to a tree and quickly slice the Titan's nape.
"Th-thanks," Jean says, out of breath and slightly shocked,
"Now you owe me one, Horseface!" Eren laughed, Jean scowled
"Yeah, Yeah! Let's just keep moving!"
The Scouts quickly got back to base, and everyone dismounted their horses.
"Eren!" Mikasa quickly came over and hugged him, "Thank god, you're okay!"
Armin ran over as well, "Yeah, what you did was pretty dangerous; you could've been killed!"
Eren growled, "I couldn't just leave Jean. He's a horseface, but I couldn't leave him,"
"That maneuver you did was really cool," Connie says, "Where'd you learn that?"
Eren shrugs, "I saw Captain Levi do it once. I messed it up, I'm sure, but it got the job done,"
"Either way," Jean says, "I really do thank you, Eren, without you, I'd be Titan food,"
"Yeah, well," Eren shrugs, grinning lopsidedly, "I couldn't let the Titan get an upset stomach. Think about what would've happened if it had eaten you,"
Jean scowled as everyone laughed, but the moment was quickly interrupted.
"Eren!"
Eren turned to see Captain Levi stalking over to them. The squad quickly quiets down.
"Yes?" Eren says, keeping his attention on Levi
"What the fuck was that?"
"Sir?" Eren asked, confused,
"What the hell was that out there?" Levi threw out his arm towards Titan territory, "What happened?"
Eren was a little confused; he could sense that everyone was slowly paying attention; Hanji and Erwin looked at Levi, a little worried.
"I saved Jean from a Titan, sir," Eren answers,
"Yes, you did do that," Levi pinches his nose, "After I ordered you twice not to turn back!"
"With all due respect, sir!" Eren says, "I can handle one Titan, and Jean is a valuable member of the Scouts,"
"I know that, and I'm happy you're alive, Jean. But you can't disobey orders, Eren!"
"But….sir--"
"My orders are not just for your protection but the Scouts'! When I order you to do something, Eren, I expect you to do it! Just because you can transform into a Titan doesn't mean you can pick and choose what orders you follow!"
"I couldn't just leave Jean there!" Eren yells, "He was about to be eaten, and I knew I could save him. Without my powers!"
"That doesn't mean you can disobey orders!" Levi's voice was stern, "It's not just you and the Titans on the battlefield! You have to think of everyone! Your actions affect everyone, not just the Scouts fighting right next to you!"
"I know that!" Eren shouts. He throws his hand up, "But we were running away! No one else was out there!"
Levi takes a deep breath, "If you're not going to obey orders, Eren, we're going to have a problem!"
"I obey orders no problem!" Eren screams, "I don't obey orders that force me to abandon my friends! Leave them to die!"
"That's their job, Eren!" Levi finally snaps and starts shouting, "It's their job to lay down their life for you! Protect you by any means necessary! They knew the risks and what it meant when they joined the Scouts and then my squad!"
Eren's eyes were wide as the captain yells at him, he slowly starts to back away, but for every step, Eren took backward, Levi took forward,
"I have told you this squad's job over and over again," Levi's voice was thunderous, "But you never listen. You jump in head-first, blinded by rage, and then you get most of us killed!"
Levi jobs his finger into Eren's chest, "If you can't get your fucking emotions in check, then get the fuck off my squad! I can't have you endanger my comrades," Levi backs up, "Sometimes I can't remember why we saved you from the MPs. You'd do more good there, as a lab rat!"
Levi turns and stalks away, ignoring the shocked looks on Erwin and Hanji's faces and the face of the boy he left behind, in tears.
Captain Levi's words were like ice spikes in Eren's heart. He felt tears well up in his eyes and run down his face. He quickly turns and runs, ignoring the cries and shouts of his friends, pushing his way blindly through the crowd.
Eren runs to his room and locks the door, collapsing against it and slowly sliding down to the floor. He cries. He cries and cries and cries.
Thoughts swarm in his mind, "What did I do!? I did the right thing! I saved Jean! Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!???"
Eren's cries slowly faded to sniffles, but the tears still ran down as fast. He slowly moves to sit on his bed, recalling the argument in his head.
"If you can't keep your emotions in check, get the fuck off my squad!"
"I need better control over my emotions," Eren sighs, "I'm doing more harm than good like this,"
Eren put a finger to his mouth, holding it between his teeth as his thoughts continue to run wild.
"God, he's right. I jump right into action without thinking! I really need better control! It's also my emotions that keep me from completely controlling my Titan form! God, I'm useless! Useless! Useless! Useless!"
In his anger, Eren bites down on his finger too hard, the skin breaks, and suddenly, yellow sparks cover his body.
"Wait! What!? NO! NO! NO! I don't want to transform! STOP!"
Instead of transforming, Eren feels something slip away from him. It felt like something tight in his chest got released, and everything inside broke free.
"What's happening?" Eren's voice was slowly becoming more and more monotone, "What's going…..on?"
Eren stopped. Everything around him suddenly seemed gray. Like nothing mattered, he looked around his room.
"I can't…." Eren places a hand to his chest, "I can't feel anything,"
"If you can't keep your fucking emotions in check, get off my squad!"
There was a twinge in Eren's chest, maybe happiness, but it was too far away for Eren to tell, "Maybe it's better this way,"
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Armin came to get Eren in the morning; he wanted to calm Eren down before letting him go to the mess hall.
He knocked on the door, expecting Eren to be asleep,
"Come in,"
Armin walked into the room to see Eren on his bed, sitting up, blankets covering his legs, with a book on his lap.
"Hey, Eren," Armin says, "It's time to eat,"
"Okay,"
Armin was taken aback for a moment, "Eren?" He asked, "Are you okay?"
Eren nods, not looking up at Armin, "Yes, I'm okay,"
Armin then noticed that Eren was wearing the same clothes from yesterday, "Did….did you sleep at all, Eren?"
Eren shook his head, "No, I didn't,"
Armin looked at Eren, concerned, "Don't you feel tired? I can ask the captain if you can stay in bed today,"
Eren slowly looks up at Armin. And Armin gasped loudly.
The once glowing emerald gems Eren had for eyes, burning with determination and fury, were now dull. Nothing more than blank, lifeless stones.
"I don't feel anything,"
There was a long pause, Armin starting at Eren in horror before the boy answered Armin's second question,
"No, you don't need to bother Captain Levi," Eren slowly stands up, "I can go to breakfast,"
Eren goes to walk out, but Armin panics,
"WAIT!!! WAIT!!!! WAIT!!! EREN!" Armin takes his friend by the arms, "What do you mean 'you don't feel anything'!?"
Eren blinked slowly, "It means that I don't feel anything," a pause, "Can I go to breakfast now?"
Armin's eyes widened with concern and shock, "Wha-? What do you mean!?"
Eren looked away, "I don't want to talk about it,"
Armin looked at Eren again. His friend looked the same, except for his dead eyes and blank expression. Armin knew something was wrong. It was obvious, but what had happened?
"Eren," Armin gently moves his hands to Eren's shoulders, "What happened last night?"
Eren blinks but stays silent.
Armin shook Eren a bit, "What happened, Eren!?"
Eren remains silent before gently pushing Armin away and making his way to the mess hall.
Armin runs to catch up with him, "Maybe we should see Hanji," He suggests, "Something is wrong, Eren,"
Eren shakes his head, "No, I am fine,"
"Eren!" Armin grabs Eren's shoulders, stopping him again, "You're not fine! This-" Armin gestures to Eren vaguely, "isn't fine!"
"Armin," Eren slaps his hand off his shoulder, "I am fine. Leave me alone,"
Eren then turns and walks off. Armin shakes his head a little in disbelief and shock before running after Eren.
Eren opens the door to the mess hall and makes his way to where they give out food. A few people who saw him stopped and stared.
Whispers quickly broke out, but Eren ignored them. Waiting patiently for his rations.
Eren was handed his rations, "Thank you," he says in a monotone, flat voice. The person behind the counter looked shocked, but Eren ignored them and walked back to his own table.
Connie was mid-bite when Eren walked over; he froze, fork hanging in mid-air. Eren sits down. Everyone stops and stares at him.
Sasha chokes on her bread. Mikasa freezes, eyes wide. Armin is glancing at her, worried, and Jean had a gobsmacked look on his face.
"Is something wrong?" Eren asked,
"What happened?" Mikasa breathes, "What happened to you?"
"I'm fine, Mikasa," Eren says,
Everyone's eyes widened even more at Eren's dull voice. Mikasa looks like she's about to throw a fit. Eren just picks up his fork and starts eating.
The table falls into an uneasy silence. Everyone eats and occasionally glances at Eren, questions on all of their minds, but no one said anything.
Erwin, Levi, and Hanji were sitting at the commander's table when the whispers reached their ears.
"What's up with Eren?"
"His eyes,"
"What the hell happened?"
"Did you see his expression?"
The leaders look at each other for a moment, confusion on their faces (Levi just had an eyebrow raised).
They all looked over at Eren; the boy had his back to them. But they saw everyone else's expressions. Shocked, scared, concerned, or a mix of the three.
Hanji decided to call over, "Hey Eren! You alright?"
Eren pauses for a moment before nodding.
"Turn around, Eren," Erwin says, "Is there something wrong?"
Eren freezes for a moment before stiffly turning around. The three recoil a little.
"What the--?" Hanji whispers, "Eren!?"
"Yes?"
Hanji runs over to him, "What happened to you!?"
"What do you mean?" Hanji gaped at the sound of Eren's voice.
"Do….do you feel okay?" Hanji asked,
"I feel," Eren paused for a few moments, "Amazing,"
Hanji turned to look at Erwin and Levi with an alarmed look; they turn back around to look at Eren,
"How about we run some tests," They say, plastering a fake smile on their face, "We've been due for an experiment for a while,"
Eren blinks, before standing, "Sure,"
Hanji looks conflicted, "Okay, follow me!"
Hanji walks away, Eren imminently following her obediently. Hanji leads him to her lab,
"Okay, just sit on the stool, Eren, and I'll run some tests," Hanji turns to look at him, "You don't mind, do you?"
"No," Eren sits down on the stool, "I don't care,"
Hanji sucked in a breath, "ooookay,"
Hanji ran a few tests. At first, they poked and prodded at Eren, and while he experienced pain, he didn't show anger or annoyance.
Hanji talked to Eren about the things that made him happy, Eren showed no reaction.
Hanji even asked about Eren's key, his most prized possession, and to their shock, Eren offered to give it to them.
"E-Eren! That's your father's key! I can't take it!"
"It doesn't matter to me," Eren held the key from its string out to Hanji, "If you want it, you can have it,"
"NO!" Hanji shoved the key back to Eren, "You keep it! Protect it! Like you've always done!"
Eren slipped the key around his neck again, "Okay,"
(Trigger Warning: Darker themes! Animal death!)
Hanji then ran a darker experiment. She brought in a bunny and a knife.
With a sad expression, like they knew what was going to happen, Hanji gave Eren a knife,
"Kill it,"
One minute later, the animal was dead.
Finally, Hanji then moves on to some questions.
"Okay, Eren, I'm just going to ask you questions about last night, okay?"
"Yes,"
"After the mission, what did you do?"
"Captain Levi screamed at me, then I went to my room,"
Hanji stopped; realization hit them like a truck.
"Did….did you have emotions when you were in your room after Levi yelled at you?"
"For a little,"
"What happened?"
"I was thinking," Eren said, "I was…sad," he pauses, "Then I realized I needed to control myself. I bit my finger by accident, I broke the skin,"
Hanji was quickly writing everything Eren said down, the boy continued.
"Sparks spread across my body. But, instead of transforming, something drained out of me," he holds his hands to his own chest, "Then….I was like this,"
Hanji looks at Eren with sadness, "So you can't feel anything, nothing at all?"
Eren stops, blinks a few times before looking at Hanji, "Cold," he says, "I feel cold,"
Hanji asks the last of their questions then tells Eren to wash up. They watch him in sympathy and pity. They knew why this happened and what caused it.
Hanji re-reads the test results, and it only confirms what they already knew.
Hanji calls Erwin and Levi into the room.
"I know what happened," Hanji says, dejected, "But first I want to go over everything we did,"
Erwin nods, "Okay, go on,"
So, Hanji tells Erwin and Levi everything. Every time Hanji explained one of Eren's reactions, or rather, lack thereof, the men's eyes widened more and more.
Not even Levi could conceal his shock when Hanji told them about the rabbit. How Eren had killed it, without hesitation or remorse.
"All of the tests point to it. Eren is emotionless," Hanji sighs, "And I'm not talking about just concealing them like you do, Levi. I mean, he has none. He'd lost them; they're gone,"
The teacup in Levi's grip shatters, the two turn to him. Levi was gaping at Hanji,
"Wh-what?" He asked breathlessly, "They're…...gone?"
Hanji nods, "They're gone,"
"How did this happen?" Erwin asked,
Hanji opens their mouth, then closes it again, looking conflicted. They turn to Levi,
"It was you,"
Levi's breath seemed to stop entirely, "What?"
"Eren…..is following your orders," Hanji explains softly, "You screamed at him yesterday, telling him to control his emotions. You took your frustration and anger out on him,"
Hanji paused to take a deep breath, "When you did, you hurt Eren emotionally, so when he accidentally broke skin, his Titan abilities tried to heal his wound!"
"But because the wound was mental, not physical. Instead of healing Eren's body, it took away his emotions," Erwin finished.
Hanji nods, "Yeah,"
Levi was shell-shocked; due to the current events, he'd forgotten all about that. He had a plan to apologize to Eren today; Levi knew he was out of line. He knew he'd fucked up. But, now he knew how gravely.
Levi brings a shaking hand to his mouth, "I...did this," he whispers, "I did this, to him,"
Erwin places a hand on Levi's shoulder. The man was hurting. Both Erwin and Hanji knew of Levi's crush (one might say it was more than a crush) on Eren.
Ever since Eren fought Annie the second time, Levi had fallen for the brown-haired boy, more and more.
When Levi snapped, he wasn't actually mad at Eren for not following orders; he was angry that Eren was in danger, to begin with.
Levi was protective of Eren; whether the boy realized this or not, Levi didn't let anyone say anything bad about Eren, glaring at anyone who tried. He'd tried to keep Eren close to him at all times during expeditions, so he could guarantee Eren's safety.
So, when Levi saw Eren turn around to face the Titan that had Jean, his stomach dropped. He didn't know how to handle said emotion, so he reverted to his default; anger and violence.
Levi swatted Erwin's hand off, "Don't touch me!"
"Can we fix it, Hanji?" Erwin asked, placing his hand on Levi's shoulder again; Levi didn't swat it off this time,
"I'm not sure we can," Hanji says quietly,
"What do you mean!?" Levi shouted, jumping from his chair,
"There's nothing we can do, Levi," Hanji says, "Eren might get better on his own, but… .it's possible Eren will never feel anything ever again,"
Levi's expression didn't change. He didn't move. Erwin and Hanji weren't even sure if he was breathing.
"Hanji?"
Everyone turned to see Eren in the doorway. Blank and empty.
"Ah! Eren!" Erwin smiles softly, "Hanji was just telling us the results of the tests,"
"Oh," Eren walks further into the room, "What did they say?"
"Eren," Hanji says, "I can't do anything about your condition. If you want it fixed, you have to find a way to do it yourself,"
Eren was quiet; he blinked a few times before speaking, "Oh, okay. Thank you, Hanji," Eren starts to walk to the door,
"Eren, wait!" Levi cries, holding a hand out to him,
Eren stops, hand outstretched to reach the doorknob. He looked back at Levi,
"Yes, Captain?"
Levi's heart breaks when he sees Eren's eyes up close. Cold. Blank. Empty.
Erwin stands, "Hanji and I will give you two a moment," the two left, and Eren and Levi are alone.
"I-I'm sorry," Levi says, "For yesterday, I... shouldn't have shouted at you. I'm sorry, Eren,"
The room is quiet for a moment, Eren's eyes actually widen a little, and Levi looks hopeful.
But then Eren blinks, and it's gone, he's blank again, "I forgive you, Captain,"
"No!" Levi says, "You're not supposed to forgive me! Not that quickly!" he takes Eren's arms, "You're supposed to be mad at me! I hurt you! Badly!"
"It doesn't matter," Eren says, "I deserved it,"
Levi finally seemed to crack, "No….Eren...no," he whispered hoarsely, "I'm so sorry. It's my fault you're like this. Please don't think…."
Levi dropped to his knees, choking back a sob, wrapping his arms around Eren's waist, resting his forehead against his stomach, "You didn't deserve it. None of it," he hissed into Eren's shirt, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,"
Eren didn't respond. Neither physically nor verbally. He just stood there, looking down at Levi blankly.
Eren eventually pushes Levi away, leaving the man to cry alone.
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As the days became weeks, Eren grew resentful. He hated seeing his friends sad, looking at him in pity or remorse as he walked the halls.
Eren knew faking emotions wasn't the way to go. People would only get more upset if they found out.
Even Eren's Titan changed with his condition. Not much, but it did. The hair grew longer, enough to hid his eyes and curtain his face. The once glowing green eyes of the Titan were now sunken in, making them black soulless voids.
It was easier to control the Titan like this. Not even Eren's Titan felt the usual rage that burned his body when he transformed. It was easier to kill Titans; Eren didn't hate them. He didn't care about them at all.
But the pros didn't outway the cons. Even Hanji said that, so everyone was trying to fix Eren. Everyone does everything they could to make Eren feel something. Anything.
Jean made fun of him.
Armin and Mikasa talked to him, hung out with him.
Connie and Sasha tried to make him laugh with their antics and jokes.
And even though Levi never openly stated his feelings for Eren, he made it very clear. He took Eren out on "dates," gave him gifts and flowers, took care of Eren when then boy's lack of emotions seemed to overwhelm everybody, including him.
Every time someone tried to give Eren something, he threw it out. Not in their presence, but the gift would end up in the trashcan of Eren's room.
However, when Levi gave Eren a gift, Eren would keep it. Everyone had watched Levi give Eren a necklace, expecting it to be in the trash the next day.
But Eren had shocked everyone when the next day, he wore the necklace to breakfast.
Some people took it as a sign of Eren getting better. But others took it as a sign of pity; Eren was only wearing the necklace to make Levi happy.
Eren hated seeing Levi so broken and upset; Eren had truly forgiven the captain. He understood that the captain was stressed and angry that day.
Eren would watch silently as Levi blamed himself for his condition. Watched as the man tore himself apart due to his guilt.
Eren hated this.
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Eren and Levi sat in Levi's office. Eren was reading a book on Levi's couch while Levi did paperwork.
This was another one of their "dates" where Levi would ask Eren for his company, and Eren would agree.
Eren spares a glance at the captain; the man looks tired and sad. Eren places his book down,
"Captain? Can I ask a question?"
Levi looks up from his paperwork, "Of course, Eren,"
"Do you love me?"
Levi froze; he slowly looks up at Eren, "What?"
"Do you love me, Levi?" Eren dropped the formalities, trying to show without emotion how serious he was trying to be.
Levi looks into Eren's blank eyes for a moment. If he squinted hard enough, he could see the bright-eyed boy he'd met in a dungeon all those months ago,
"Yes, Eren," Levi smiles softly, "Yes, I do,"
Eren looks down at those words, "I'm sorry," He mumbles,
"What?" Levi looks a little alarmed, "What are you sorry for, Eren?"
"I can't love you back," Eren looks at his hands,
Levi quickly moves from his desk, rushing over to Eren and wrapping him in a hug, "It's not your fault. It's okay. I'll always love you, Eren,"
Eren blinks, "Can you hold me?"
Levi nods and picks Eren up princess-style before sitting down and setting Eren down on his lap. Eren's head resting against his chest, and Levi's arms wrapped tightly around him.
"Tell me you love me," Eren says, "Please?"
"I love you," Levi said immediately, confidently. There is a pause before he repeats the phrase.
"I love you," Every time Levi repeats the phrase, there's a pause as if Levi was letting Eren soak the words in.
"I love you,"
"I love you,"
"I love you,"
"I love you,"
"I love you,"
Levi pulls Eren closer to him. His words become breathy and soft as Levi tries not to cry.
"I love you,"
"I love you,"
"I love you,"
Eren's eyes widen as he realizes the truth and depth of the words; he can feel the captain shake under him. So Eren slowly wraps his arms around Levi, burying his face into his chest.
Levi doesn't stop.
"I love you,"
"I love you,"
"I. Love. You."
"I love you,"
Levi rests his head back on the couch, "I love you so much, Eren,"
Eren doesn't move; he stays in the captain's embrace. His eyelids grow heavy, and Eren snuggles against Levi more,
"I feel…...warm,"
Eren falls asleep, and Levi is close behind. Neither of them awake to notice the soft yellow sparks that cover Eren's body.
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Eren woke up first, blinking his eyes open as he looks around. He remembered last night, and he slowly turns to look at Levi.
The captain is still peacefully asleep, head resting against the couch with his arms wrapped around Eren.
Eren smiled and snuggled into Levi's warmth.
Wait.
He smiled!!??
Eren's eyes widen, he sits up. He looks around again as if the answer was going to pop out of thin air.
Eren felt warmth; he could feel his heartbeat speed up; he looked at Levi, studying his face.
He felt love.
Eren leans in, gently caressing Levi's cheek with his knuckles. Eren loves him.
Eren feels his eyes sting, well up with tears, but he's smiling. They're happy tears.
Eren sits back down on Levi's lap, snuggling into his chest, muffling his happy sobs.
Levi slowly wakes up due to the noise. He at first is confused before he realizes it's Eren.
"Eren!?" he asks, "What's wrong!? Why are you----" Levi cuts himself off with a gasp. Looking into Eren's eyes.
They were bright and warm, glowing with happiness despite the tears. Levi feels tears in his own eyes. He gently holds Eren's face in his hands, smiling widely,
"What…..what do you feel?"
"Happy," Eren says, giving Levi a watery smile, "I'm so fucking happy,"
Levi gasps again, beaming, "You're crying,"
Eren nods, "Y-Yeah," he sniffs, "I'm crying. Happy tears," he laughs wetly.
Levi buries his face into Eren's shoulder, letting out his own sobs of relief. One of his hands is in Eren's hair; the other is stoaking his back lovingly.
"I love you," Levi says shakily, "I'm so happy you're back,"
Eren wraps his arms around Levi tightly, "I love you, too,"
Levi freezes; he pulls back, looking into Eren's eyes in shock, "What?"
Eren laughs, "I love you, too," Eren wraps his arms around Levi's neck, "I love you so much, Levi. Thank you! Thank you!"
Eren kisses Levi; it's full of joy, passion, forgiveness, and love. Levi quickly kisses back.
After they broke apart for air, Levi leans his forehead against Eren's,
"Never do that again,"
Eren shakes his head, "No! Never again!"
Eren and Levi look at each other. Despite their tears, they're both smiling.
Eren leans into Levi's chest, smiling happily, "I love you, thank you,"
Levi hums, wrapping his arms around Eren, "I'm just glad you're okay. I never want to see you like that again,"
"You won't," Eren says, "I promise,"