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Cove had never handled disagreements very well. They always felt final to him, until he was told otherwise of course. It was hard to explain why he thought this, he and Elizabeth had been in plenty as they grew up. Jamie was his best friend, but of course, they had their fair share of disagreements as well. Cove remembered every single argument he had with his father, back when he was just an angry and confused kid. He had even had some arguments with Terry, Miranda, and even Derek. Arguments and disagreements with your loved ones were rather normal and never were they due to a lack of love.
Cove understood this, he had no reason to believe one silly little fight would mean the end of a relationship. He knew this, and yet the sick feeling in his stomach refused to waver. And he knew it was much too familiar.
He knew why he was scared, it was obvious. All those years ago, he was just a confused, angry, and scared little boy who couldn't understand why his family couldn’t stay together anymore. His parents’ divorce had felt like the end of the world to him. And despite the fact his parents seemed to be closer than ever now, despite knowing they loved him very much, that little boy would always be a part of him.
Cove couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. He loved his parents, and he loved his life. Still, sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder how his life could have been if his parents had stayed together. Growing up, he couldn’t help but to feel a little bitter every time he remembered his friends never had to spend every holiday with only one of their parents. He hated having to pretend he didn’t see the sad look on his father’s face every time he had left to spend a few months with his mother. He hated pretending he didn’t see his mother’s sad smile when he had to leave. Most of all he hated that no matter what he did, no matter how good he was, or how good his grades were, he couldn’t change anything. His parents would always love each other, but things would never be the same.
Their decision had been final, and they were happy with how things were. Cove was happy too, at least now he was. He loved seeing his parents happy, he loved seeing them get along. He loved Sunset Bird, he loved the friends and memories he had made here. He had loved his school, and he loved his job. He loved Jamie, his best friend and the man he had fallen in love with. Everything had turned out alright.
Even if he could remember all this, it would not give him any comfort. Partly because he wouldn’t allow it to.
The reason for this was quite simple. When something was over with, you often will wonder why you were ever worried in the first place. You will often tell yourself it hadn’t been very hard at all, and perhaps you will feel as if the hours flew by. Maybe you would tell yourself that next time you wouldn’t allow yourself to get so worked up, you would say you knew better now. This was a familiar feeling for Cove.
However, it was also a feeling he would forget far too often. It was a feeling he had forgotten now. The only thing he could remember at this moment was what had happened this morning, it was the only thing he had been able to remember all day.
The moment Cove had woken up, the day had already gone sour. The first thing he had done when he opened his eyes, the thing he always did, was reach over and take his phone off the bedside table and check the time. It only had taken a few moments for his eyes to focus, and only one more before his heart began to pound.
His mother and he had planned to meet up at seven that morning, it was something they did several times a year. He would always treat her to breakfast in the morning before she would leave that afternoon. The time was half-past nine, he was late.
Now, Cove would usually set an alarm for six. Plenty of time for him to wake up time for him to get ready and wake up enough to safely drive and pick her up from his father’s, where she stayed when she was in Sunset Bird to visit. However, this time things had been a little different.
Elizabeth and Kyra, Cove’s mother, had both decided to leave Sunset Bird the same day. Unfortunately, Elizabeth had to fly back, and her flight had left at five that morning. Pamela had decided that it was better to be far too early than even a moment late. Meaning, Jamie had been forced to leave at one so he and their mothers could give his older sister a proper goodbye. Jamie had been too worried about being late to fall asleep, and while Cove was not a light sleeper, Jamie’s fidgeting had proven to be far too much after the first hour. Cove kept Jamie company until he left, and in return Jamie promised he would wake him up when he came back and return the favor.
Clearly, that did not happen. Already panicked and quite angry, Cove had practically thrown himself out of bed. An annoyed whine would follow, one belonging to Jamie, who Cove finally realized had been curled up next to him.
Cove didn’t even take a moment to think, he shook Jamie awake far rougher than he had meant to. Before Jamie could even realize what was going on, the words had already left Cove’s mouth. He couldn’t even remember them now.
He remembered being angry, and he remembered the frightened look on his partner’s face. He remembered thinking Jamie only cared about himself, and that he had broken his promise. He didn’t remember the words he used, or even what he had said. But he remembered how Jamie’s surprise quickly turned to anger, and then woe.
Despite how angry he had been, the expression on Jamie’s face had made him feel ill. He didn’t want to make Jamie upset, deep down he knew he didn’t even want to be angry with him. They had both been exhausted, and his mother would definitely understand. She was driving herself home after all, she wouldn’t have minded leaving a few hours later. Instead of apologizing however, Cove decided to leave the room.
“I can apologize when I calm down. Right now, I need to make sure mom knows what’s going on.” He had thought, quickly unlocking his phone to call her up.
However, he didn’t end up calling her at all. Instead, a text message he hadn’t noticed before quickly stole his attention away.
Mom: I’ll take you out for lunch to make up for the change of plans. love you, baby. :)
He didn’t bother reading the rest of the messages from his mother, or the ones from Jamie that had already warned him about the sudden extra week his mother would be staying. Cove had already turned back around, his chest now aching.
Jamie was wide awake now, and greeted Cove with a scowl. He deserved that, Jamie had every right to be angry, but the sight felt like a slap in the face.
Cove had wanted to apologize immediately. Even if Jamie had just simply forgotten their plan, Cove knew he hadn’t deserved being yelled at like that. Cove should’ve apologized. But he didn’t.
“Are you mad?” Was all he could manage, and as soon as the words left his mouth he wished he could take them back. Of course Jamie was mad. “I was just..we are both so exhausted. I wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t mean to be so awful to you. I didn’t know things had changed.”
Jamie only stared back for a few moments, he hadn’t expected to hear those words. For those few moments it seemed both were having a hard time realizing the conversation was really happening.
“I don’t think I can be kind right now.” Jamie finally announced, sliding out of bed and onto his feet. “I’m gonna lay down on the couch.”
“Wait, I can take it.” He had said the words so quickly that for a moment he had worried he had only thought them. “You can have the bed.”
“Okay.” Jamie mumbled back, his hands now clasped together awkwardly.
The two stared at each other in silence for a few moments before Cove realized Jamie had been waiting for him to leave. Cove could only mutter an awkward “goodnight” before quickly turning to leave and closing the door.
That had been nearly four hours ago, and Cove had not been able to fall asleep at all. He had tried of course, hoping the time would fly by so he could and Jamie could actually talk . But, every-time he had closed his eyes he suddenly felt as if he were suffocating. All he could think about was what had happened, the look on his partner’s face, and the way he had allowed his frustration to take control of him. Everytime he thought about it, every choice he made seemed to get worse and worse.
He couldn’t even allow himself to distract himself. It didn’t seem right, but the more he thought about it the worse he felt. He had spent every minute thinking about it, planning out what he’d say the moment he saw Jamie leave their bedroom. Cove had hoped it’d calm him down if he at least tried to figure it out, but now he was only more afraid.
The possible outcomes seemed to become worse and worse. He didn’t allow himself to think about them for more than a moment.
He checked his phone once again. It was nearly one. He had taken the time to read his messages by now and reply to his mother. They planned to go out tomorrow, Cove told her he had woken up and was not feeling well. It felt wrong to lie to his mother, but he supposed to some extent it had been true.
She had replied of course, telling him she hoped he’d feel better and that she loved him once again. Cove said it back, and that had been it. A part of him wished he had anything else to say to her, anything to distract him from his thoughts right now.
He covered his face with his hands. He wanted to cry, but it didn’t feel right to him. He wasn’t the one who was yelled at, in fact Jamie had sounded surprisingly calm despite it all. It made Cove feel guilty. He told himself he deserved to feel that way.
Cove quickly shook the thought away. Drowning in his own self pity wouldn’t do him any good. It was only going to make him feel worse, and it wasn’t fair to do to Jamie either. Jamie didn’t want him to hate himself; he just wanted an apology.
“I wish I could just apologize right now.”
If he hadn’t been so worked up Cove would have laughed. What was stopping him?
He pulled out his phone once again, and quickly clicked on his messages with Jamie. For a moment, he froze. He hadn’t exactly planned what he would say, but he also didn’t want to wait a moment longer. Cove felt a little bad knowing he was doing this over the phone, especially over text, but he didn’t want to wake Jamie up again either. He had to say something.
He thought for a moment, and then began to type his message.
I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was panicking, and I wasn’t thinking straight. Can we talk when you wake up?
Jamie is typing…
Cove wasn’t sure if he was more scared of what Jamie would say or excited that they were finally speaking again.
Jamie: I love you, just so you know.
All of Cove’s anxiety seemed to melt away in that moment. It wasn’t that it was particularly calming to read. Well, it was a little. However, it was mostly just confusing.
I love you too. But, why say that right now? Not that I’m complaining, but I thought you were mad.
Jamie: I am a little mad, but I know how you get when we argue. I don’t want you to think even for a second that I don’t love you, so…again, I still love you.
Cove let out a sob, he wasn’t sure when he had started crying but now he couldn’t seem to stop the tears. The sound of shuffling from the bedroom quickly followed, and he could only let out another sob. It was only a second later that he heard the door open. He couldn’t understand how he could feel relieved and guilty at the same time.
“Hey!” Jamie called out, practically bursting into the living room. “Are you okay?”
Cove covered his face, feeling embarrassed now. “I’m sorry. This is so stupid.”
“Hey, calm down.” Jamie was beside him now, gently tugging against Cove’s sleeves. “I mean, it’s okay to cry. You can cry.”
“Jamie, stop.” Cove mumbled, letting his hands fall. “You’re not supposed to be comforting me. I’m supposed to be apologizing to you.”
“Well, you can apologize right now.” Jamie said it as if it were a question. “But you need to calm down first.”
“I’m frustrated.” Cove replied with a sniffle. “Not with you, with myself. But that’s why I can’t calm down.”
“Why are you frustrated?”
“Because, I made you do this.”
“Cove.” Jamie groaned. “You didn’t make me do anything, knock it off.”
“But you are comforting me because I made you feel bad for me when I’m the one who messed up.” Cove explained, taking a deep breath. Jamie was right after all, he had to calm down if he wanted to have an actual conversation. “I’m sorry for that too. I shouldn’t be crying right now. I just feel embarrassed.”
“I already knew you were a crybaby.” Jamie teased, giving Cove’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t feel embarrassed, it’s okay to cry.”
“That’s not why I'm embarrassed.” Cove sighed. He was getting frustrated. “I’m embarrassed because…”
Cove shook his head. “I don’t even know why I’m embarrassed, it doesn’t matter. I can’t explain it.”
He couldn’t put what he was feeling into words. He was angry at himself for not speaking up sooner, he was angry at himself for causing the whole situation in the first place. He was angry that he had spent so long feeling like their relationship was going to end, instead of realizing he knew Jamie better. He was angry about a lot of things. But, that didn’t matter right now.
“I’m really sorry I yelled at you. I know it’s not an excuse, but when I woke up I was kind of freaking out. I wasn’t really thinking, and I took my frustration out on you because I assumed you forgot about something that was really important to me.” Cove explained, running a hand through his hair. “I saw what you and my mom said by the way. I know the plans just changed, so you don’t have to explain. But, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I took so long.”
“Cool, thanks.”
“You are annoying.” Cove said before he could stop himself, but Jamie only smiled. “I’m pouring my heart out and you’re not even upset.”
“Well, I was upset. But, you apologized. And I think you really mean it. I don’t really have anything else to say.” Jamie shrugged. Cove only stared back at him, and Jamie couldn’t help but to let out a chuckle. “Really, Cove. I’m over it, and if I’m not we can talk about it later. I’m kinda bored of being mad anyways.”
“Okay.” Cove yawned. He wasn’t exactly content with the response, but he believed Jamie nonetheless. If Jamie didn’t want to talk about the situation anymore, and forgave him, Cove wouldn’t fight him on it.
The pair sat in comfortable silence. Cove hadn’t remembered when he had fully calmed down, but he was grateful it seemed easy to breathe again. As awkward as he still felt.
“I feel like I should say more.” Cove finally mumbled. “I know you said it’s okay, but-“
“It is okay.” Jamie hummed, flashing Cove a smile. “I know you’re worried, but trust me it’s okay to drop it. Let’s watch a movie or something.”
“I’m probably not gonna be able to stay awake though, I didn’t actually sleep. I stayed up trying to figure out what to say to you.” Cove admitted, feeling a little embarrassed now. Jamie did say he wanted to drop it.
“Oh, you too huh?” Jamie teased. “Okay, we can go back to bed.” He tugged against Cove’s sleeve again. “That is me inviting you back into the bedroom. I know you’re gonna ask if it’s okay, don’t bother.”
“You know me so well.” Cove sighed, now wearing a warm smile.
“Well, I’ve known you for over a decade. I sure hope so.”
“You’re ruining the moment.”
“Do you wanna go back to bed or not?”
“Yes, please.”