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Derek knows that Spencer is lying to him.
He’s not offended so much as he is frustrated, really. All he wants is for his best friend to feel comfortable enough to tell him to his face that he’s dating another man so he can begin his relentless teasing and familiar banter just as he would if he was dating a woman — as he’d shamefully assumed he would all these years — but instead, Spencer is going to great lengths to hide the truth.
He’d first realised that something was going on when he’d hurried into the briefing room late one morning, his face blushing bright red and a prominent hickey shoddily covered with concealer too dark for his pale skin branded onto his neck. Looking back, he’s angry with himself that he’d joined in on the teasing that everyone else seamlessly slipped into. Not because he regrets making fun of Spencer — no, teasing and friendly banter is a key and healthy element of their dynamic — but because he remembers the female pronouns he used without even considering that might not be the case.
It had taken a couple more instances like these, such as when they’d figured out he was no longer riding the metro every day but instead being dropped off by someone driving a black truck (intel courtesy of JJ), complete with superfluous and seemingly harmless ribbing, before he’d realised his mistake.
Because that hoodie thrown over the back of one of Spencer’s dining chairs matches one in Derek’s closet, and the shoes by the door he knows for a fact aren’t Spencer’s are too big to be a woman’s.
His best friend is dating a man. And as painful as it is to admit to himself, as much as it makes self-loathing clench in his stomach, he understands why Spencer didn’t tell him.
They’d met back in 2003 and, although it’s no excuse, it was a different time. He doesn’t remember all the separate instances he said something offensive or harmful, but now that he knows that Spencer isn’t straight, he’s sure that he’ll no doubt have every single one categorised in his mind.
It hurts Derek deeply to think that maybe Spencer revisits them when he’s sad, maybe he desperately wants to tell Derek about his new boyfriend but every time he goes to open his mouth, one of those homophobic, ignorant jokes Derek made a decade ago comes back to haunt him and forces him back into silence.
So when it hits a breaking point, when he overhears Spencer on the phone in the breaking room talking softly and sweetly to the person on the other end of the line before switching gears quickly when he sees Derek walk in, changing his voice to pretend he’s talking to a plumber of all people, he makes a decision.
He’s going to do whatever it takes to get Spencer to admit to him that he has a boyfriend. He needs to prove to him that he’s a changed man. He needs to get his best friend to trust him again.
★
The first thing he does is small, but it feels like a good place to start. He fires up his laptop and spends the entire night researching about the LGBT+ community, queer history, and the importance of allyship. His cheeks heat up in shame more than once when he finds his past actions on multiple ‘what not to do’ lists and finds himself confronting his own biases and prejudices head on.
“Honey?”
When he looks up from his laptop, squinting from the blue light having pierced his eyes all night, he sees Savannah wrapped up in the silky blue nightgown he loves so much on her, illuminated by the light of the early morning.
“Are you alright, baby?” she asks, eyebrows furrowed in concern as she walks over to his spot at the kitchen table and wraps her arms around his shoulders, bending down to peer at the laptop screen. “A complete history of the complexities of queer identity? What’s this all about?”
Derek sighs, leaning back to stretch and rub his sore eyes. “Spencer has a boyfriend.”
“He does?”
“Yes,” he says, sighing again. “And he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me about him.”
Savannah nods understandingly and takes the seat at the end of the table next to Derek. “Ah.”
Derek looks at her, probably a little desperately considering how bad he feels about his past actions and how little fuel he’s running on right now. “I’m trying to prove to him that he can trust me, but… all this reading has just shown me how offensive I’ve been in the past and all the damage that must have done to him. I don’t even know how he’s still friends with me at this point.”
“I think one thing to consider is that he’s probably faced a lot of adversity in his life,” she says gently, “and sadly, a lot of the people perpetuating that kind of hatred probably looked a lot like you.”
He drags his hands down his face. “Yeah, you’re right. Well, all this reading has given me a couple of ideas to make him feel more comfortable, so that’s at least something.”
“Being a good ally means putting in the work,” Savannah says, taking his hand. “Not just ‘not having a problem with gay people’.”
Derek nods, looking back down at his laptop screen.
“I know you probably want to continue your research,” his girlfriend says, “but you’d probably be in a better mindset to do that after a shower and a nap, don’t you think.”
He grins up at her. “Is that your way of telling me I smell?”
She grins back before turning away and making her way into the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, “no comment!”
Chuckling to himself, he goes to obey.
His research has at least cemented in his head that he needs to be doing the work of an ally, not just because his best friend is gay, but because it’s the right thing to do. It’s not just about proving to Spencer that he’s a good person and he can trust him, but about facing his past actions head on and pushing himself to do better.
So, killing two birds with one stone, he starts to diversify his reading and viewing materials. He tracks down Penelope and asks her for a list of the best queer books and films which she happily supplies him with, and he gets to work, reading and watching things he’d never have even considered before. Ironically, though, the first time he brings it up in front of Spencer is entirely on accident and not bout the mission he’d initially set for himself at all.
It happens when a case takes them to South Beach. They end up driving down Ocean Drive on their way from the jet to the police station, and he can’t help but notice the Carlyle Hotel.
“Oh, that hotel up there is where The Birdcage was filmed,” he points out to the rest of their SUV, JJ in the front and Spencer in the back.
“What?” JJ asks, confused, clearly not getting the reference.
But Spencer, judging by his expression in the rearview mirror and the way he blurts out his question, understands what he’s talking about and is thoroughly surprised. “You’ve watched The Birdcage?”
He says it so quickly that he looks like he immediately wants to take it back, but it’s only then that Derek realises this is a moment to prove himself as a safe person; someone his friend can trust. “Yeah, I watched it with Savannah last night,” he says as casually as possible, trying to meet Spencer’s evasive eyes in the mirror. “It kind of blew me away, actually. It might be one of the best feel-good films I’ve ever watched, especially considering how hard it is to find queer stories with happy endings. It’s hard to believe it was filmed in the 1990s.”
Spencer nods in agreement, blushing slightly as he looks away and sinks back into his car seat. JJ, however, stares at him in wonderment Derek isn’t sure whether he should take offence to. “Since when did you become an expert in LGBT+ cinematography, Derek?” she teases, raising an eyebrow.
“Since I realised how badly I needed to diversify my media consumption,” he says simply, eyes returning to the road and staying glued there.
Spencer stays quiet in the backseat.
The next instance that gives Derek an opportunity to exercise his allyship is on the very same case. They work it as hard as they always do, but the unsub is both relentless and elusive, and tensions quickly rise as the heat starts getting to people and the tiring days and sleepless nights tick by without much progress.
Derek’s just coming back from another trip to the coffee machine, handing one cup to Spencer and starting straight in on drinking his, trying to ignore the scorching temperature in favour of a quicker caffeine hit, when it happens.
The Sheriff gripes frustratedly, pinching the bridge of his nose after they hit another dead end. “Look, we can’t protect everyone, and we can’t predict where he’ll hit next. There’s a thousand homeless people in South Beach—”
“That’s not exactly true,” Spencer interjects, tracing the rim of the coffee cup Derek had handed him idly. “There are 1,400 self-reported homeless people in Miami’s South Beach, but adjusting for the hidden homeless population which accounts for around 62% of the total we have to assume that the figure sits closer to 3,684. And it’s not exactly true that we can’t predict where we’ll strike next, either, because by employing the geographical profile, we’re left with—”
“Alright, you know what I don’t need?” the Sheriff shouts over him, raw anger and aggression in his voice. “Some faggy FBI agent from Washington DC coming into—”
“That’s enough!” Derek interrupts loudly, cutting the Sheriff off firmly, standing up from his position next to Spencer leaning against the desk and placing himself in between the two men. “Now Sheriff, I understand that this case is frustrating and it’s getting to all of us, but sinking as low as to use homophobic slurs against the very people that are trying to help you is not the answer. If you can’t handle being courteous and polite right now, I suggest you go home, get some sleep, and we’ll update you with any further findings in the morning.”
The Sheriff stares at all of them, clearly steaming with anger and fury, but a wall of intimidating FBI agents who all want to protect the most cherished member of their team is enough to make even the most bigoted of people back down. “Fine,” he spits, grabbing his things as roughly and loudly as possible before storming out of the station.
“Spencer, are you okay?” Derek asks, turning around in concern, coming to sit next to him again. Hotch and the others clearly read Spencer’s red cheeks and crippling embarrassment and give them some space, moving a couple of tables over to continue going over the possibilities for the case. “I’m sorry he said that to you.”
(Derek doesn’t remember ever saying the f slur, but he does cringe thinking he’s probably said similarly hurtful things and aimed them at Spencer. Still, he has a chance to make things right, and that’s what he’s going to do.)
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Spencer replies anxiously, brushing him off as he clears his throat.
“Hey, it’s okay if you’re not, you know,” Derek says gently, nudging his shoulder.
Spencer nods hastily, and sniffs in the way he always does when he pretends to not be upset, and Derek realises that because he isn’t out to anyone, being asked about the incident is probably more uncomfortable than brushing it off and moving on.
“I’m always here for you, Spence,” he murmurs, grabbing his hand and squeezing it once before pushing off the table and going to join the others. “Come over when you’re ready. I promise we don’t have to talk about it anymore.”
Spencer nods and manages a small smile, and Derek takes it as a win.
Small opportunities to exercise the things he’s learning in his online allyship course crop up over the course of the next month, and Derek grabs every single one by the horns. He tells people off when they tell mildly offensive jokes in the bullpen, he talks about the books he’s reading and the films he’s watching, and he makes an effort to further LGBT+ positive policies in the FBI.
He pushes for one of the Black, openly gay section chiefs to be made head of the newly founded Diverse Recruitment Commission, and not the straight, white, cis candidate the board previously favoured, and he asks HR to include educational materials written and endorsed by LGBT people themselves in their policy and training presentations.
He continues to strive to be a better person, and he’s proud of himself for the progress he’s making. In fact, he’s thrown himself so quickly into the deep end and has become so involved in his allyship that sometimes he forgets what motivated him to begin that research in the beginning.
But he’s come to a place now where he’s accepted that all he can do is his best, and when Spencer is confident enough in Derek’s support to come out to him, he will.
He doesn’t join in on the teasing that erupts every time something else hints at a significant other in Spencer’s life anymore, instead trying to use gender-neutral language whenever something like that comes up between them, as long as they’re on their own. The last thing he wants to do is out him, after all.
Eventually, though, it happens during one of their weekly movie night, after the pizza they’d ordered has been devoured and they’ve moved onto popcorn for the second film.
“Derek?” Spencer says quietly a good twenty minutes into Le Cercle Rouge.
“Yeah, kid?”
“I’m dating someone,” he says, sounding casual to the untrained ear but Derek can hear the anxiety in the undertones of his voice, and he steels himself for what he thinks he’s about to hear. “I have a boyfriend.”
He grins at him, both proud of him and so, so happy for him. “That’s great, Spence. What’s his name?”
Spencer smiles hesitantly. “Luke Alvez.”
Derek pauses the film, turning on the couch to look at his friend properly. “And how did you meet this Luke Alvez?” he asks, waggling his eyebrows exaggeratedly, melting a little when it elicits a small giggle from Spencer.
“We actually met last November when the roads got really icy and I almost slipped on my walk from the metro to headquarters,” he explains, smiling. “He happened to be passing the other way and caught me before I fell over, and then he insisted on walking all the way into work with me. We got talking and when we neared the building, I mustered up the courage to ask for his number, and he— he grinned so wide, Derek, and gave it to me straight away. After that, it was a pretty natural progression into a relationship.”
“Pretty boy!” he exclaims excitedly, pushing Spencer’s shoulder gently. “That sounds straight out of a fairytale! I’m so happy you finally told me about him.”
“Yeah, I, um, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” he says shyly, ducking his head a little.
Derek softens. “No, Spencer, you don’t have to apologise. I’m the one who should be sorry. I made you feel like I wasn’t a safe person to tell over the years we’ve known each other, and I’m so sad when I look back on jokes I made and things I said because all along I was hurting you and I was hurting others, and in my ignorance, I had no idea.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. No, it’s not okay, at all. But I appreciate the forgiveness.”
“I’ve seen you making an effort Derek,” Spencer says seriously, raising his eyes to meet Derek’s, “and I’m glad I have because that’s what gave me the confidence to finally tell you. I know you’re a different, better person now, and I’m grateful for that.”
Derek smiles, squeezing Spencer’s ankle affectionately. “So, do I get to hear more about this mysterious Luke Alvez or what? I mean there’s definitely more to your story than him swooping in as prince charming and saving the doctor in distress.”
Spencer grins at his joke and nods enthusiastically before diving into a long ramble about his relationship and all of Luke’s characteristics and the things he loves about him. Derek’s never been more pleased to listen.
★
After the air has cleared between Derek and Spencer and he’s finally learned about the mystery man in his best friend’s life, things seem just a little bit lighter each and every day. They’ve got to the point now where Spencer texts Derek as well as Penelope whenever Luke pulls off some grand romantic gesture or does something small to make him smile, and every time his phone buzzes with a text from his best friend, he can’t pick it up fast enough.
(He wasn’t at all surprised to learn that Spencer had told Penelope about Luke first since apparently, she’d known Spencer was gay for years. Sometimes he wonders whether he can really call either of them his best friend when they’re so intimately close with one another. It doesn’t make him jealous though, just happy to see his two favourite people happy with one another.)
However, a month on from the honest conversation between them in which Derek learned who Luke was, and he still has yet to meet the other man. He understands Spencer’s hesitance, though, and he doesn’t want to push, so he lets it go and decides to wait patiently for his friend to be ready.
Eventually, it happens accidentally.
Savannah had asked him to grab them Chinese from their favourite takeaway after work, so once he’d wrapped up his consults and the bullpen had begun to empty, he’d made his way to the hole-in-the-wall place in the centre of Quantico, the small town the FBI Headquarters is based in.
“Ah, Derek,” the owner greets him with a wide smile on her face. “I’ve missed you, young man, where have you been?”
He chuckles warmly as he leans against the counter, looking down at the small older woman on the other side. “Just dreaming of seeing you again, Jasmine, you know how it is,” he teases, enjoying the way she blushes bashfully like she always does.
“Oh, stop it, you flirt, you have a girlfriend at home!” she insists, but she looks as pleased as ever. “Your usual order, honey?”
“If you don’t mind.”
He watches her walk back into the kitchen before pulling out his phone to text Savannah when he’s distracted by another man walking out from the toilet. They acknowledge one another briefly before both fiddling on their phones for a couple of minutes until Jasmine returns.
“Look at you, both on your phones,” she admonishes. “You’d better be texting that Spencer of yours to come and see me, Mr Luke Alvez. The cheek of ordering from my shop and not showing his pretty face!” She tuts disapprovingly.
“Oh, he wouldn’t dream of it,” Luke replies, amusement pulling the side of his lips into a smile. “He’s meeting me here, Jasmine, don’t you worry.”
Derek stares at him in shock, unable to believe that this is really happening.
“You alright, man?” Luke asks, looking over at him in confused concern.
Derek searches for his voice as he recovers himself. “You’re Luke Alvez?”
Luke nods slowly. “I am,” he confirms, brows furrowing even further. “And you are?”
“Derek Morgan.” He reaches a hand out for him to shake as his face relaxes and the last bit of shock recedes, allowing him to act like a normal person once again. “I’m Derek Morgan. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”
Luke’s eyebrows ease as he realises what’s happening, clearly recognising his name, and he smiles, but there’s an air of uneasiness about him that Derek can’t quite place. “Well, I must admit, Derek, I didn’t expect us to meet for the first time at Jasmine’s.”
Derek grins. “Me neither, but it’s kinda fitting, don’t you think? The only reason I ever found out about this place was because of Spencer.”
“Same here. Spencer’s taken me to eat at a lot of different places around DC but we don’t order from anywhere as much as here.”
“Hey, listen, man—”
He’s cut off from asking Luke about a proper meeting by the bell ringing and Spencer walking through the door. He looks happy and relaxed until he clocks Derek standing opposite his boyfriend and stops short, paling suddenly in shock.
Luke curses under his breath before pushing off the bench he’s been leaning against and walking over to him. “Hey, baby,” he says gently, so gently in fact that Derek can hardly hear him. “Everything’s good, okay? I know you didn’t quite feel ready yet, but—”
Derek forces himself to stop listening in at that because a wave of guilt and realisation suddenly crashes over him. He’d spent so long thinking that Spencer trusting Derek to tell him about Luke was the endgame; that that would be enough to prove his ignorance and homophobia are firmly in the past, but he hadn’t considered that things are rarely so black and white.
Of course Derek meeting his boyfriend would be a massive show of trust that isn’t necessarily going to come easily, of course a simple confession and sporadic texts are easier steps to take than actively inviting Derek — a man who has hurt him with his comments in the past — into that part of his life.
Shame fills him from the pit of his stomach at his naivety. Just minutes ago he was over the moon that he’d met Luke by accident, but now he just feels guilty that he stepped past that boundary without Spencer’s permission, however unavoidable it might have been.
He’s lifted to the surface of his negative thoughts when Spencer walks back over with Luke’s hand wrapped protectively around his waist.
“I’m sorry, Derek, I—”
“Hey, pretty boy,” he interrupts him, “you have nothing to apologise for, alright? I’m sorry that this happened before you were ready, and I’m sorry I was ignorant and didn’t see that you weren’t ready yet.”
Spencer smiles, leaning into Luke’s side. “It’s okay,” he promises. “I didn’t think I was ready, but now it’s happened I’m glad it did. You both mean a lot to me and it’s nice not to have to keep those parts of my life separate anymore.”
Derek allows himself to smile, too, especially at the sight of Luke looking at Spencer so warmly as they stand impossibly close. “Well, I’m not gonna lie, Spence, it is very nice to finally meet the man I’ve heard so much about,” he teases, winking at the two of them.
Spencer blushes but Luke just beams and kisses his cheek. “I bet it’s still not half as bad as how much Phil has to listen to me wax poetic about you, baby.”
“Well, if he’s anything like me with pretty boy here,” Derek says, smiling, “then he’s just happy that you’re happy.”
“I’m just glad that Phil doesn’t pry for quite the same details Penelope does,” Luke laughs, and Derek doesn’t feel even a little bit of jealousy that Penelope met him before he did. He takes the win.
“That woman can be relentless,” Derek winces, recalling some of the conversations he knows for a fact Penelope and Savannah have had.
“I’m sorry to interrupt this happy little reunion,” Jasmine says, actually looking apologetic — Derek’s 99% sure she’s been listening in the whole time — “but both your orders are ready, and I don’t want them to go cold.”
They all thank her warmly before exiting the shop, pausing by their parked cars. “I’ve got to get back to Savannah tonight, but how do you feel about getting dinner all together sometime?”
“I think that sounds great,” Luke agrees, looking down at where Spencer’s nestled himself into Luke’s shoulder. “What do you think, cariño?”
Spencer nods, a small, soft smile on his face. “I’d really like that.”
Derek grins over at the cuddling couple, feeling nothing but warmth and happiness in his heart for his best friend.
“Then it’s a date.”