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Lee sighs raking a hand through her curls, "I dunno, I've never had a thing for anyone before." She turns her head to address her mother, eyeing her warily.
"Don't think I want to. I don't think dating's fir me."
Her mother looks at her for a moment, really looks at her, like she's taking her apart.
Lee knows that look.
She saw it whenever her mother noticed her cringing at the mention of her fathers, or when ma found one of the deadbeats' clothes tucked far back into Lee's closet. The only piece of him she had left, untouched for years.
Saw it when her mother got a call to inform her that Lee had been suspended for getting into another fight.
A mix of pity and resignation, as if she had expected this outcome even as she looked into Lee's eyes for an answer.
The feeling hadn't changed either, guilt washed over her silently as she swallowed back the bile in her throat. It hurts more than it probably should.
"I'm sorry," her mother murmurs shaking her head, and somehow it's so much worse, "should've been around more."
Lee sighs, tries to keep her cool, tries not to let her breaths sound shaky, "Ma, I-"
"I'm sorry I told you all that crap as a kid. And-and I shouldn't have let them..," her mother trails off and rests a hand on her shoulder. Lee all but winces at the contact, meeting her mother's eyes, "I'm sorry I fucked things up. I'm-I'm sorry they took this away from you."
Lee feels the words hit her like a punch in the stomach.
Knocking the air out of her.
The weight of her mother's pitying stare only makes it that much harder to breathe.
Her eyes bore into Lee's trembling form, and it makes her want to squirm, want to yell
She feels her mother's arms around her, hears her soft cries, her head resting on Lee's shoulder.
Lee nods, because this is fine.
She relaxes, her expression goes blank, her breaths even out, instinctively slipping back into her role.
Her arms encircle her mother's back, holding her as she murmurs apologies that Lee can't quite hear.
Lee doesn't question the startlingly numb calm she feels, pushing the dull ache in her chest aside. Just like she always does.
She tries not to think about her mother's words, tries not to let them hollow her chest as she tosses and turns in bed begging for sleep.