Chapter Text
Sage found herself often feeling oddly comforted as she sat on the floor of the second floor bathroom. Though it was quite cold, the smell was not terrible at all. In her old muggle schools, sitting on the floor of a bathroom was gross, but now it was practically a luxury. Every Hogwarts bathroom was spelled to be kept at optimal condition, and the air always smelt of a familiar, artificial ocean breeze.
Fumbling to her right, she grabbed a handful of tissues and held them hastily to her wrist. She never took it this far, but today had been awful and she longed for the euphoria she felt from holding a potions knife to her paper skin.
Realizing the time, she shook herself together, yanking her sleeves down and vanishing all of the items back into her side satchel. She slung her bag over her shoulders and headed out of the girl's lavatory, pleading internally no one would see her wandering the corridors at night.
Unfortunately, as she whipped around the corridor hurrying towards her common room, she saw no other than Professor Lupin seemingly on nightly rounds.
Sage was not one to judge on others' appearances, but her professor looked terrible. His face was sunken in, and the scars that etched his face were more prominent than ever. Underneath his eyes was a soft, swollen layer of purply-pink skin, the poor man looked like he hadn't slept in days, but then again, she imagined she probably looked the same.
"Sage? What are you doing? It's nearly a quarter past 2 in the morning!" he spoke. "This doesn't seem like you at all."
"Excuse me Professor, but I can ask you the same. I'm honestly floored. You know my name, I don't think you have acknowledged me for the three years you've been my teacher," she replied, shocked at the venom in her voice, but she didn't dare let him see her gears turning. She was not a teacher's pet, but certainly have never been outright divisive with a teacher like this. Maybe she liked this new awakening bold side of herself.
"s-Sage," Lupin spoke, certainly taken aback at the sudden anger that arose within his student before him. She was right, he really did never pay her much attention, but it surely wasn't intentional. Before he could finish, or punish Sage for wandering, she walked away, hoping he wouldn't follow after her. Lupin was too dumbfounded and exhausted himself to form a sentence.
Walking quietly back to the dorms, her newfound confidence radiated off of her.
"Dumbledaddy," she spoke upon reaching the statue placed right before the dungeons. The statue turned, allowing her to pass through its opening. She made her way up to the 3rd year girls dorms with caution, carefully not to call attention to herself.
Well, there goes the confidence.
Sage didn't have many friends within Slytherin, and most frowned at the mention of her. Sage had dated a Hufflepuff for some time. She certainly did not want to make a spectacle of herself at nearly 3 am especially with the growing crimson stain on her left wrist. She crawled into the dark bed awaiting her, drawing the curtains around her tightly, not bothering to even change her clothes.
***
The next day was the start of a new semester. Pulling out the scribbled mess that was her schedule, she checked to see where she was going.
Bloody hell.
She had Defense with Lupin.
She frowned, not looking forward to the awkward glances between her and her professor that were about to commence. She had lost whatever spark of rebellion that burnt within her last night.
After deciding to skip going down to breakfast for more privacy getting ready, she headed to the dorm bathrooms, and decided to take a brief shower, just to clear her head. Pulling her hoodie over her head, she was met with her exposed self in a full length mirror. A small frown grew across her face as her eyes followed the scars that littered her arms. It was the few lucid moments like these where she was able to genuinely ask herself, what the hell am I doing?! Nevertheless, at the next slightest urge she allowed the blade to do all the feeling for her.
The showers at Hogwarts were brilliant. Sage swore the steam literally reset her brain, all the negative thoughts pooling down the drain. However, each time she walked out, the same unhappiness seemed to wrap itself back into her clinging to her body like a plague.
She finished up rather quickly, layering her dark robes over her gray sweater vest with dark green ribbing. Grabbing her bag quickly, she packed it and with a final check that she had forgotten nothing, she started to head up to DADA just as her fellow peers were flooding back into the dorms.
***
"Hello Sage!" Lupin smiled.
She responded with a quick smile and hurried to the back of the classroom to claim her spot.
What the hell was that? Why did he smile at me?
She so desperately wanted to dislike him, but in reality he seemed really kind. Shaking herself out of the fog that his acknowledgement had blanketed over her, she bitterly realized.
He was probably just pitying you.
Lupin spent most of the class lecturing about the magical properties of several nocturnal beasts. Sage vigorously wrote down, verbatim of what he was saying, even rolling up her sleeves, in order to prevent her robes from hitting her notebook. She had always been an accomplished student, and she owed it to her neurotic note-taking. She was so focused on getting very word down, that she didn't even bother looking up. To her disbelief when she finally came up for air, Lupin was standing right behind her desk eyeing her with concern etched upon his scarred face. His eyes burned into her arms and she shyly pulled her sleeves back down. The shame filling every cavity of her body.
Turning around to pretend he was grabbing something on the bookshelf behind her, he grabbed parchment and scribbled:
Sage please stay for a moment after class, lightly placing it on her desk.
No one even noticed, or bothered to look back at her, so he didn't have to be as subtle as he was. Regardless, she appreciated him not humiliating her any more.
Her heart raced, as the end of class approached. Her sleeves were now returned to their normal spot covering not only her arms but even her hands. She put her head down on her desk and ignored the rest of the lecture.
"Sage. Class ended," Lupin spoke as he approached her desk for a second time. She reluctantly raised her head and stood, attempting to walk out.
He pulled the seat out in front of her, motioning for her to sit back down.
"Sage, have you been hurting yourself?" he asked, eyes desperate for an honest answer.
Why does he care so much?
There was no point lying now. He knew, and lying would just make it look like she was in denial, which would probably only worry him more. Without a response from her he motioned to her arms.
"May I see?" he mumbled.
Sage was immediately hit with a wave of self disgust but knew she needed to get out of there and that wasn't going to happen unless she did what she was told.
She slowly removed her robe and rolled up her sweater sleeves. An awkward moment of silence filled the classroom, and they both just sat there for a bit. Sage looked up, meeting his glossy, wide eyes.
"Sage, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you." he suddenly spoke.
"Clearly I have my own method of coping by now, it's a little late for you to suddenly reach out." she snapped, the venom returning.
"Sage, I didn't know."
"But you did know that I had no one. My parents, out of the question, which I'm sure you knew, and no friends which I figured you also concluded. To be honest, I don't even feel like I exist to you! I don't want your attention, all I want is acknowledgement! I was shocked when you even knew my name last night regardless of the fact that I have had you for three years, and you haven't so much as glanced in my direction. I recognize you have hundreds of students, but you preach about making an impact on each and every student and never have I once seen you try and connect with me." she spoke cringing at her whining.
You weren't important, that's why he didn't notice you.
Sage didn't realize she was crying until tears dropped down onto her robes.
"Sage, I'm very sorry that is the impression I gave off," he responded. "Now that I know, I will do everything I can manage to help."
"Professor, it's fine. I don't want to waste anymore of your time."
"Sage. Stop it. You are so worthy of my time. I will stay here as long as you need. I cannot let this go, I am very concerned. I don't want to pressure you, but if you don't confide in me, I will have to tell another adult that you can talk to."
Not wanting anyone else to know, she began to talk. She let her professor into every corner of her mind, no matter how uncomfortable it felt. Once she got the first couple words out, she couldn't stop, but eventually it was time for her next class.
"I'll just be going now professor," Sage stammered
grabbing her bag and heading to the greenhouses for Herbology.