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I have always found
comfort in the dead
of night.
unlike afternoon,
it does not fail
to understand my worries,
but knows my pains,
relates to my darknesses,
justifies my every shift.
At midnight,
I push my bed up to my window
and indulge in the vast blankness
of a starless sky.
I melt my fingertips into the glass
and let the coldness seep
through my veins,
as if pushed by a syringe,
and for a brief second-
life feels fresh.
-Midnight, by Ali Gowrie
Topaz had never really been alone.
He was one of five kids, the youngest middle child, and he and his siblings got along.
But his first friend was Golden.
He was in first grade, and because there was only one school in the small village, his class was full of all sorts of kids. Not all of those kids were his age, though, and more importantly, not all of them were nice.
Topaz’s memory of the day was hazy, but he did remember some fourth graders were making fun of Golden, he was the only person who sat with her at lunch, and they never spent much time apart after that.
As he got older, he vaguely realized it was slightly odd that he was friends with someone two years older than him, but that didn’t really matter to either of them.
When Topaz got older, and gender and sexuality became things, he started keeping secrets from Golden. Like the dress at the back of his closet. And the makeup he stole from his mom. And how just he/him wasn’t working for her anymore.
When she was thirteen and Golden was fifteen, after Midnight had come into the picture, they had a sleepover. Midnight couldn’t be there, but they ended up playing Truth or Dare with only two people.
“Truth or dare, Golden?” Topaz didn’t actually know what he would do if she picked Dare, but he had a good Truth.
“Um, Truth.”
“What’s one secret you’re keeping from me?”
Golden was silent for a bit, and Topaz was worried she had overstepped. “Um, I really hope you don’t hate me for this, but I like girls. I mean, I’m a lesbian.”
Golden’s voice hitched slightly on the last word, so Topaz hugged her. “Thank you for telling me that, and I definitely don’t hate you.”
She might as well go for it. “Um, so you didn’t ask this, but um… I like guys, and I’m not completely a guy. I’m pretty sure I’m bigender and pan?”
Golden paused for a second. “Three things. One, thanks for trusting me with that. Two, what pronouns do you want me to use for you?”
“Um, he/him and she/her.”
“Great, I’ll try to adjust to that. And three, you like Midnight, right?” The question caught Topaz off guard. She hadn’t let herself think about it much, but she definitely did like Midnight, and she didn’t know how Golden knew. “How did you-”
“You stare at him all time, especially at his mouth and eyes, and your relationship with him is just different than your relationship with me.” Golden sounded like she had been thinking about this a lot.
“Well. Okay. Um, do you think he-”
Golden snorted. “He’s not the most observant boy. But even if he wasn’t half as oblivious as he is now, he still probably wouldn’t realize it.”
“Why?”
“His self-esteem is awful, Tope,” Golden said quietly. “I don’t think he would realize you like him, unless you told him, and then he probably wouldn’t believe you.”
When Golden turned eighteen, Topaz’s heart froze.
He knew she wouldn’t make it through the fire spirit’s training, so being basically exiled and never seeing Topaz again was really the only option.
But he cried that night, and almost every night after that.
When she came back, Topaz cried for a different reason.
“You and Midnight seem…different.”
Topaz still couldn’t quite believe that Golden had made friends with so many people who weren’t wind spirits. More importantly, he couldn’t believe she was friends with fire and water spirits. Earth spirits made a bit of sense, because they hadn’t instigated the war, but after everything the fire spirits had put the two of them through, Topaz couldn’t ever see herself trusting one.
“How are we different?”
“I mean, you act differently around…each other.”
“Gold, I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“He put his head in your lap earlier.” Golden’s abrupt tone made Topaz freeze, and he slightly blushed at the memory. “And then you played with a few strands of his hair. That’s what’s different.”
“We’re not- I mean, I don’t think he- I don’t know why he keeps doing things like that.” Topaz didn’t stumble over his words very often, except when he was talking about stuff like this with Golden. “He’s just doing them, and I’m not going to stop him- I mean, you could probably tell how stressed he was earlier- and I’m really gay for- I mean, straight for?- whatever, I’m pan, so I’m really pan for him, so I wouldn’t tell him to stop.”
Golden just smiled and sighed slightly.
Midnight was different.
Midnight had always been different from Golden.
Topaz loved both of them, so much, but it was different. She loved Golden the way she loved her siblings. But Midnight was different.
They were in seventh grade.
Topaz had seen Midnight around, sometimes, and he knew he had a sister Golden’s age. A lot of people in his class thought Midnight was weird. Apparently the boy didn’t talk a lot.
When he walked into the classroom and sat right next to Topaz, he almost lost his mind with frustration at first.
“Hi, I’m Topaz. You’re Midnight, right?”
Later Topaz would learn that the expression Midnight had on his face was his terrified expression. That the day they met had been one of his mom’s bad days. That he hated it when people talked to him without warning. That he was worried Topaz would make fun of him.
And that he wasn’t being rude when he didn’t respond to Topaz.
Topaz sat next to Midnight at lunch every day for a month, trying to get the younger boy to talk to him.
Finally, in late October, they had their first real interaction.
Midnight slunk into the classroom, slightly late, and wordlessly placed something on Topaz’s desk.
It was a cinnamon roll from the better bakery in town, and there was a note taped to the bag.
Topaz-
I’m pretty sure it’s your birthday, or super close to it, because one year ago today we had your birthday party-celebration thing where they give us shitty cupcakes and pretend it’s a gourmet meal.
Topaz was trying not to laugh, but it was difficult.
Also, you mentioned your birthday was next week last week. AKA, it’s this week.
A few weeks ago you mentioned that your favorite thing from Scarlett’s Delights was the cinnamon rolls, so I got you one.
Happy Birthday.
Also, I will answer all the questions you have incessantly asked me for the past month.
My favorite color is black. You also went on a rant on how black isn’t a color, and I was going to flip you off, but I’ll do it here: Fuck off, black is a color, and it’s my favorite.
My birthday is February 12th.
I don’t talk about my parents, so don’t ask ANYTHING about them.
I am good today. And most days. So that covers most of the questions.
I don’t really like animals, but my favorite is cats. Or bunnies. Or hamsters. But I don’t like animals. Or pets. Doesn’t matter if they’re cute.
Also, who is Golden? You mention her all the time.
-Midnight
P.s. You may not give me any nicknames, you seem like the kind of person to do that.
Topaz could barely keep the smile off his face.
He soon learned that, for some reason, Midnight couldn’t talk. So Topaz would talk to him, and then he would write a response, and the whole thing worked, somehow.
Eventually, Midnight and Golden met, and they were friends almost instantly.
And then feelings popped up.
Topaz had come out to Midnight and Golden, and while she had accepted that she had feelings for Midnight, she hadn’t realized how much.
Topaz started noticing herself staring at Midnight a lot. Once he started using sign language, this was necessary, but it also…wasn’t. Looking at Midnight’s hands so Topaz could understand him was one thing. Looking at Midnight’s eyes and thinking about how long his eyelashes were was another.
When Midnight actually talked to Topaz for the first time, she almost kissed him.
They were fourteen, almost a year before Golden turned eighteen, and they were sitting on the roof of the town hall, watching the sunrise.
Topaz hadn’t been doing great lately, and somehow Midnight had realized and decided that every morning they should watch the sunrise together in a different place.
They had been sitting in silence for a while when Topaz heard a hoarse voice say, “I think this is my favorite place to watch it.”
He froze for a second, trying to compose himself. “W-what?” She thought it came from Midnight, but that was impossible.
Until the younger teen opened his mouth and said, “I said, I think this is my favorite place to watch it, AKA the sunrise. Climbing that tree was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done, we would have been in so fucking much trouble if anyone found us on the roof of the school, and the bell tower was nice but the person who cleans it wakes up earlier than we did.”
“What?”
“You should really get your fuckin’ ears checked, Tope.”
“Y-you- you just- I didn’t think you could-”
“Oh, that’s what you’re losing your shit over.” Midnight smirked, and Topaz’s brain was exploding. “I can talk. I can’t talk to people I don’t trust. I can’t talk to people I trust in public. It’s physically difficult for me, ‘cause my brain’s a little fucked up.”
“Oh.”
And hearing Midnight’s voice was probably the best thing that ever happened to Topaz. Looking at the boy smirk, as the sun rose over their small town in the middle of nowhere, Topaz thought that maybe he could kiss him.
She didn’t, of course. She’s confident, but she wasn’t that confident. Topaz wished he could kiss Midnight, but he wouldn’t.
Especially since one month later, Midnight came out as gay, and Topaz was only half a boy.
Midnight crumbled after Golden left. Topaz noticed it, of course he did, because he noticed everything about Midnight. But she didn’t bring it up.
Then one night Midnight knocked on her window after the sun went down.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Could I maybe stay here tonight?”
Something was wrong. Midnight’s eyes were red, and he was quiet and subdued. He was normally quiet, that came with the selective mutism, but when they were alone, he was brash and bold and sarcastic. But something was wrong.
“Yeah, yeah, sure. You can always stay here, Midnight.” No, that’s too close to your feelings, his mind berated. That practically screams: I LIKE YOU! Or does it? Maybe? I hope it doesn’t. The anxiety was just chattering nonsense now, so Topaz ignored it. “Um, did you bring a sleeping bag?”
“O-oh, sorry, I forgot.”
So they ended up sharing the bed, and Topaz tried not to die.
But he and Midnight were so close, and Topaz could have kissed him if he wanted. She wasn’t going to. But she could.
“What’s wrong, Midnight?” Topaz was trying to speak as softly as she could, not wanting to scare Midnight away from answering her.
Midnight was quiet for a bit, and then suddenly started sobbing. “Hey, hey, it’s- it’s okay, you don’t- you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t- if you don’t want to.”
Midnight tucked himself against Topaz’s chest, and he was still crying, but a bit more quietly. Topaz put one of her hands in his hair, not entirely sure what to do in this situation.
“My- my mom drinks sometimes. It’s just a lot. I don’t- I don’t really want to be there right now.”
Topaz took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to respond to that. It’s not like this is a surprise, the back of his mind whispered. You knew there was something going on at his house. At least now you know what it is. “What can I do for you right now?”
“You- you’re letting me be here right now. That’s- that’s more than I expected I would get.”
Topaz’s heart broke a little at that, but he ignored it for the moment. “And what can I do in the future?”
“Maybe-” Midnight hesitated for a second. “Maybe I could stay over here anytime I need to? If that’s too much, it’s fine, I can-”
“No, no, that’s fine. You can stay over anytime you need to.”
So Midnight did, and neither of them talked about how he always forgot his sleeping bag.
When they joined Golden’s- group? gang? friends?- Midnight and Topaz shared a tent.
Auburn and Buttercup gave him a few odd looks about it, but he wasn’t about to tell anything to his cousins who he barely spent any time with.
Every single person in the group-thing thought she and Midnight were dating. Which did make sense, because they did act like it sometimes, but they still weren’t. Topaz wished they were, but they weren’t.
Golden finally asked him what happened a year and a half ago. About why she and Midnight watched the sunrise every morning.
So Topaz told her, and hoped that she didn’t hate him. “Um, s-so, you know how I have OCD. And um, how sometimes I have obsessions about how I have to do certain things, or bad things will happen? Right? So, um, about two years ago I got into my head that every morning I needed to, um…”
Topaz squeezed her eyes shut. “That every morning I would need to hurt myself, or bad things would happen to you, or Midnight, or my family.”
Golden was hugging her suddenly, and she welcomed it even though she hadn’t expected it. “So, um- Midnight found out, and so we would watch the sunrise so I wouldn’t be able to.” Seeing the look on Golden’s face, she added, “It’s- it stopped, a few months ago. I’m better now.”
Golden was speaking quietly. “If anything like that happens to you again, you can always tell me about it, okay?”
“Y-yeah, okay.”
Topaz had started to get crushes on other members of the group-thing, which caused her to freak out and question whether or not she had ever liked Midnight, which was definitely a yes, because she still did. And then he began to question whether or not someone could be in polyamorous without actually being in a relationship. Even though he would probably never be in a relationship.
Topaz decided that it was really no harm if she identified as poly.
“Hey, Tope, can we go for a walk?”
Midnight had been wanting to go for walks a lot before going to sleep. Topaz wasn’t sure if it was an OCD thing or just something he wanted to do, so she was leaving it alone for now. “Yeah, sure.”
Midnight had really leaned into his all black, goth-rebel aesthetic in the last shopping trip the group had taken. That night, he was wearing black jeans, a black long sleeved shirt, a black jacket, and black sneakers. The whole outfit made Topaz’s bright yellow blouse and hair, as well as the yellow eye makeup he was wearing to highlight his eyes, and a yellow skirt over yellow fishnets.
He thought, To be fair, you’re just matching your yellow hair and eyes, and he’s just matching his black hair. And eyebags, his brain added.
Also, Midnight looked hot, so Topaz could appreciate what he was wearing.
“Tope, if you dated a girl who thought she was straight, would that make her bi?”
“What?”
“Like, you’re half girl and half guy. So, she would be straight if you weren’t half girl, but since you are, she would technically be dating a girl. Well, someone who’s half girl.”
“I mean, she would be whatever sexuality she identifies as.”
Midnight had actually stumbled on a debate Topaz had been having with herself for a while. Would Midnight date me even though he’s gay? Wouldn’t he have to be bi to date me?
“Why do you ask?”
Midnight shrugged. “I was just wondering.”
They walked for a bit more, until they found a clearing where they could lie down.
“So, what’s happening in Sunshine Land?”
Sunshine Land was Midnight’s new name for Topaz’s brain. “Nothing much, what’s happening in Darkness World?”
“Well, the king of Darkness World, you know, King Midnight, was thinking the ruler of Sunshine Land, Queen/King Topaz, looks really pretty in moonlight.”
Wait, what? “I- thank you?”
“You’re welcome.” After seeing the look on Topaz’s face, Midnight added, “What, never gotten told that before, dumbass?”
“People don’t really tell me I’m pretty very often.”
“Well, they fucking should, because you are.”
Midnight sounded confident, but he didn’t look confident, and Topaz felt like he was trying to trick Topaz into thinking that this whole conversation was the most casual thing in the universe.
Well, Topaz was going to prove him wrong.
“Well, you know, the ruler of Sunshine Land thinks the king of Darkness World looks amazing in the light of a sunrise.”
Topaz was more focused on the blush on Midnight’s cheeks than the fact that both of them were sitting up very close to each other. Which was probably why Midnight’s next action caught her by surprise.
Midnight kissed him. It didn’t last very long, and while Topaz tried to kiss back he was pretty sure he was going into shock, so it was difficult. What is happening- why is he- this can’t be rea- I have to be dreaming- rambled in the back of her head.
Midnight pulled back and froze, looking so genuinely terrified that Topaz unfroze. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, you’re okay.”
Midnight was breathing heavier now, and Topaz was pretty sure he was having a panic attack. “Hey, Midnight, you’re okay, it’s okay.” Topaz wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth, but she was saying what Midnight needed to hear, so she was fine with lying.
Midnight was shaking his head violently. “No- it’s not- I shouldn’t ha- I’m sorry-” Midnight was sobbing now, and the words he was barely whispering were cut off and choked. “I’m sorry.”
He probably regretted it. “Hey, what are five things you can see right now?”
“Um, there are- the stars? And, th-the trees? And the grass. And your hair, it- it would be hard to fucking miss,” Midnight muttered, and Topaz was glad he was trying to make jokes. “And, um… my shoes?”
“That’s great, Midnight. What about four things you could reach out and touch right now?”
Midnight paused before answering. “The grass. My shoes.” His voice was still quiet, but it was steady, and his breathing was starting to even out. “Um, your hair. And your hand.”
“Great. What about three things you can hear?”
“Your breathing. The birds and crickets and shit making noise. And, um, like, all of them being loud enough so that I can hear it from this fucking far away.”
Midnight had pretty much calmed down, but Topaz knew he didn’t like it when Topaz ended this grounding exercise. “What about two things you can smell?”
“Like, the grass and woods and stuff smells like a thing, so I can smell that. And, your like, perfume or something?”
“And one thing you can taste.”
Midnight opened his mouth to say something, but then slammed it shut. “Um, dinner. I can still kind of taste it.”
“What were you going to say?” Topaz knew she was pushing it. But he needed to know.
Midnight curled up and picked at his nail polish. “Your lip gloss.”
Topaz knew he had to be blushing as much as Midnight was. “Oh.”
The two of them were silent for a bit, as Topaz tried to gather his thoughts. Midnight kissed me. Then had a panic attack. While apologizing.
Topaz didn’t know why Midnight had thought Topaz was the one who looked pretty in moonlight. Midnight’s hair and clothes made him melt into the background, but his eyes were exactly the color of the night sky. And his almost ghostly pale skin practically glowed.
“Are you going to make me talk about it?” Midnight whispered.
“Do- do you want to talk about it?”
“I feel like we have to.”
Midnight was, for once, taking control of the situation, and Topaz felt vaguely dizzy.
“Well. Okay. Then talk.”
Midnight closed his eyes and curled further into himself. He muttered something into his sleeve.
“What was that?”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you and I’m sorry!” Midnight shouted, and his eyes looked glossy again.
Topaz’s heart was slowly retreating away from the idea of being vulnerable, but he pushed through. “Why do you think you shouldn’t have kissed me?”
Midnight didn’t answer, and Topaz was worried she’d finally scared him away, after three years.
“Because I honestly think that there isn’t a single second of my life I don’t want to spend kissing you, and I’m mentally kicking myself for not kissing back because I’ve been in love with you since- honestly, I don’t know when it started.” Topaz wants to stop, but he’s already started. And he’s wanted to say this for years.
“It might have started when you came into my room after Golden left. Or when we watched the sunrise on the roof of town hall. Or when you pulled that knife out of my hands and bandaged me up. Or when Golden asked me if I liked you, and I said yes right away.”
Topaz hadn’t even admitted this to herself, but she said it anyway. “It might’ve started when you put that cinnamon roll on my desk on my thirteenth birthday.”
Midnight was looking slightly shocked, and Topaz just hoped she hadn’t made a mistake. “I- same. Me too. That too, for me- why are words so fucking hard, you make that look so fucking easy- how did you even say all of that?”
Topaz wasn’t able to wipe the smile off his face. “I don’t know, I was worried I’d scared you off.”
“So you figured you’d either get me back, or you’d scare me off for good?”
“Pretty much.”
Both of them were smiling, and Topaz knew they’d have more to talk about.
They’d have to talk about Topaz liking other people, and about Midnight not being able to say I love you, and they’d have to tell Golden, and- and a lot would have to be discussed.
But Topaz was more focused on how she truly was never alone, and more important, how she would never be lonely.