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Kim Gaon was late. Not like it mattered to Yohan.
The wind rustled through the trees outside, pen scratching on paper as he absently jotted points from the book he was reading.
He glanced at the clock, its hands pointing at 10.
'Where could he be?'
Of course, Gaon could be anywhere. It wasn't Yohan's business. He tapped his foot in an erratic rhythm, rereading a sentence for the fifth time.
They had an unspoken agreement by now. They'd come home before 9, they'd have dinner together around half past 10 and they'd go to sleep after some time. Yohan had grown to become fond of this haphazard schedule. It had evolved into something he would look forward to after a long day of harsh realities, a solace of sorts.
And Gaon was late. Late to their schedule.
Certainly, Yohan wasn't angry or disappointed or slightly sad. Why would he be.
He sighed, setting down the pen and giving up on trying to read.
'Why isn't he home yet?'
He closed the book with a thud and set it aside, eyes fighting to take another look at the clock. It hadn't even been 5 minutes.
'Was it even home to Gaon?'
He inhaled, closing his eyes. He didn't care. Or he shouldn't care. Or maybe he should. Or maybe he did.
He propped his elbows on the table, letting his face fall into his hands.
'Stop thinking about Gaon.' He scolded himself, focusing on the voices around him. Nothing but his own breathing reached his ears.
It wasn't unprecedented for the house to be quiet. One would say that it used to be the mansion's natural state. But things were different now.
Since the explosion in his office, the house had transformed. Slowly and gradually, life trickling back into the almost fortress like structure. Since Gaon..
He shook his head. The Judge seemed to be making frequent appearances in his head now. Too frequent.
And Yohan did not mind that. He pressed the heel of his palms into his eyes. His mind wandering to the other man once again. Gaon sitting next to him in the court room, eyes calculating and ever so observant. Gaon with his hair down, playing with Kkomi and Elijah, eyes kind and indulgent.
It was startling how quick he had established into their lives and into his heart.
A memory of Gaon drifted to him, laughing at something Elijah said, his eyes landing on Yohan's, sunlight painting him, making him ethereal.
He smiled. Yohan did not mind these thoughts at all.
'Gaon would.'
The murmur in his head was right. Gaon would mind. The smile faded from his face. Yohan was, after all, a monster and his actions rarely pleased the other. He was volatile and inhuman and dangerous, just like he had been informed time and time again. Gaon was different. Gaon was good.
But Gaon had stayed with them. Gaon had stood by him.
'He pities you.'
He felt his shoulder slump. That made sense. Gaon was, after all, a good person. He had told him his past and had seen empathy in his eyes. Why else would he still be here even after seeing Yohan at his worst.
That was all it was. Pity and compassion. And Gaon would not want his actions contorted to any other emotions. Definitely not the emotions that Yohan felt.
He curled his fingers, clutching his hair. He knew all this. He knew that whatever this was, whatever this schedule was, it was temporary. He knew that a day would come when Gaon would decide to leave.
And yet he wished. Wished for the days filtered in sunlight and joy to stretch for eternity. Wished for a life with Gaon and Elijah and him sitting around the table, together. Wished for more.
'This will not end well.'
He never fought his thoughts, but he wanted to fight this one. He wanted to prove it wrong. Even though he was aware it was a losing battle. Because he was a judge and he knew that logic prevailed and facts could not be ignored for wishful thinking.
Be that as it may, it was also a fact that his eyes searched for Gaon perpetually, his ears attuned to his voice, his fingers yearning to hold his hands. It was a fact that Yohan was in love with Gaon.
'You aren't capable of that.'
The voice in his head seemed uglier by the minute and he was finding it hard to breathe. He ripped his head from his palm, looking up and taking deep breaths.
The shadows in the room loomed. It was getting closer, trapping him in. He heard footsteps from a memory he'd rather forget. He needed to get out of the room.
So he did. How or why he ended up pacing around the front door was not a question he was willing to answer.
He walked the length of the corridor, only to turn and trace his steps again. His footsteps resounded along the walls. He let himself take one more look at the clock.
10:20, it read.
He focused on his breathing, on the wood paneling on the floor, on the few strands of hair that fell into his eyes. He couldn't afford to slip up on his focus. It was the last barrier that kept the unpleasant words at bay.
This wasn't uncommon. Yohan was consistently in an ever continuing war with his mind. Words thrown at him like canons and all he could ever do was block them out and hope that the barricades were strong enough.
But even the strongest barricades had it's shortcomings. Even the strongest walls were not impenetrable. His defense could never withstand memories.
'You are not even brave enough to face your pains' These weren't words created by his mind to sabotage him, these were said by Gaon himself. His barrier broke.
'Even he knows you are all but a coward.'
He wanted to contradict. He wanted to claim that Gaon wouldn't mean it like that but his breathing was getting laborious, the wood beneath his feet blurring, his eyes not zeroing on anything.
'You are weak.'
His hands formed a fist. He scrambled for something to do, somewhere to look at other than the wretched face of a clock.
'You will always be abandoned.'
The words kept coming relentlessly. The shadows he had got away from seemed to creep into his vision. He had stopped walking, head trained down as his mind screamed, as his heart pounded.
He searched for salvation only to be interrupted by the door opening. His head whipped up, frantic.
Gaon entered, eyes landing on Yohan right in front of him.
"You're here." He breathed out, the sentence leaving him too quick before he could tamp it down.
"Yeah. I had to stop by the grocery store and there was an accident on one of the roads. God, the traffic was horrible." Gaon replied.
He paused, scanning Yohan's face.
"Is everything okay ?"
Yohan blinked, he probably looked frazzled. His mind raced to give an answer, coming up empty.
"You're finally back. Do you know how hungry I am?" Elijah's voice came from the end of the corridor, a glare fixed on Gaon.
A grin took over his face and the shadows in the room retreated almost immediately.
"Ah I know. I made you wait right?" The smile practically heard in his voice, "I'm sorry."
Strangely, Yohan felt miffed at how the apology was only directed towards Elijah. The teen huffed, turning away.
"Just give me some time. I'll make something quick." Gaon added.
There was a murmur of approval from the girl as she wheeled away to the other room.
"I better get to that."
Gaon was already making his way to the kitchen and Yohan felt himself follow, not wanting to let the other man out of his sight.
He set the cover on the counter, removing his jacket and draping it on one of the chairs. There was an ease in his movement. As if he had done this for a life time.
Yohan's gaze followed Gaon as he rolled up his sleeves, washing his hands. He traced the definition of his arms to his back, lingering on the spot where he knew the Phoenix tattoo hid beneath the cloth.
He was entranced. Too entranced to notice Gaon turning around, to stop his eyes from locking with the other's, jumping straight into the headlights.
"Is something going on? Is there a problem?" Gaon's eyebrows furrowed, voice hinting at worry.
Yohan gulped. His brain had left him to fend for himself.
"Do you need help?" The question only registering in his head after he had uttered it.
Gaon stared, mouth open. The lack of response rang loud in the kitchen. He regretted spouting that.
"Of course, you wouldn't want help. Okay then." His voice was tight as he turned around to leave.
"No wait." Gaon's voice called out.
Yohan turned back around and he was greeted by the most blinding smile.
"Sure. I'd appreciate the help."
And Yohan's regret evaporated into thin air. He'd lose count of all the things in the world he could face just to be graced with that smile.
The smile, he apparently stared at for far too long, as the other cleared his throat.
"Well, why don't you go ahead and wash your hands. I'm thinking of making Beef fried rice. So you can get all the ingredients out and I'll get the utensils and the aprons?"
"Okay." Yohan agreed, moving to the sink as he tried not to marvel at how easily he could give orders and take over.
He made his way to fridge, opening it and a thought he had missed hit him like a truck. Kang Yohan had only cooked instant meals and ramen in his life. And he had not a single idea of how anything else works when it comes to cooking.
He breathed, staring into the fridge. Slowly, he picked out the meat and leftover rice and placed it on the table. He looked harder into the freezer, as if the giant hunk of cold metal itself would speak up and tell him what to do.
"What are you doing?"
Yohan suppressed a startled jump, instead his eyes darted towards Gaon, now wearing a light blue apron. The utensils had been placed on the counter alongside another apron.
He blinked, lips pursed in a thin line. There was no way around it.
"I haven't really cooked beef fried rice, or anything except for instant food for that matter. So I don't really know how any of this works." Yohan blurted.
For a few moments, it felt like Gaon was not going to voice anything. Then, he snickered. Soon enough he was laughing, clutching his stomach.
"You're laughing.." his voice incredulous, "Are you laughing at me?"
"Sorry" Gaon's voice wheezed out, "I'm sorry."
He took a few moments to regain his composure, wiping at the corners of his eyes. His face was flushed.
"I just.." Gaon exhaled, pressing his lips together to not get into a fit of laughter again, "I just never thought I'd hear The Judge Kang Yohan say he has only ever cooked instant food before."
"What do you mean by that?" Indignation wriggling it's way into Yohan's voice.
"Nothing. It's nothing." Gaon chuckled, "Move to the side, I'll get the ingredients and then tell you what to do. Wear this apron first."
Gaon slightly pushed Yohan to the side, handing him an apron.
He should be feeling more indignation, but instead he wore the apron and watched as Gaon took out eggs, cabbage, bean shoots and spring onions from the refrigerator, placing them carefully on the counter. He didn't mind listening to the other. Clearly he knew what he was doing.
"Take out soy sauce, sesame oil and vegetable oil from the cabinets." Gaon called out as he took out the gochujang.
Yohan fumbled, finally finding all of them with not even half the efficiency the other man had. By the time he had placed the items on the table, Gaon had already got the onion and garlic. Finally he put down the sesame seeds with a flourish.
"We're ready." Gaon beamed. "You're in charge of chopping the vegetables. I'll get the beef mixed with the sauce first and join you."
Unlike most things in life in which Gaon rushed headfirst into, his cooking was meticulous. He planned and prepared and prepped with utmost care. It was difficult to not be awestruck at that.
Yohan nodded, moving towards the chopping board, cutting the vegetables would not be that difficult.
He was wrong. It was difficult. He had realised that soon, after it turned out that the knife he had chosen was the wrong type, the side he had started to cut the onion with was the wrong side and the way he had held the knife was the wrong way. Thankfully Gaon was a patient man.
And he was swift when it came to cooking. He had already finished prepping the beef, moving next to Yohan, slicing the cabbage and pointing out all the flaws in how he was handling the one onion he had been stuck on since the beginning.
"You need to dice it more finer." Gaon declared.
Yohan narrowed his eyes, bringing the slices closer.
"More finer."
He slowly sliced down on the onion.
"Even more."
Yohan, on the other hand, was not a patient man. And his eyes were watering because of the abominable onion. Exasperation built up in him, threatening to spill over.
"No, not like that."
This is it. This was the first and last straw. An onion.
A hand came into view in his blurry sight, enclosing his own hand that was holding the knife.
"I'll show you." Gaon's voice, right next to his ears, his entire arm pressed against his. And Yohan was all too aware. Aware of his pulse and breathing, his skin and the air around him. All too much and all too little at once.
He hoped this was not his last straw.
Gaon's hand straightened his hold, changing the angle he held the knife.
"See, you were bringing down the knife too straight, you need to do it with a slight inclination. You understand?"
Yohan nodded, not trusting his voice at such a moment. He willed his head to not snap back. Decades worth of touch aversion staying still along with the rest of him.
Gaon lingered a second longer, his pulse almost reaching the same pace as Yohan's and the contact was gone. Cold air enveloping their bodies again.
"Cut up these bean stalks and then whisk the eggs" Gaon instructed curtly, moving to peel the garlic cloves.
They put together the meal, the sounds of the knife and whisk enveloping them in a sense of comfort. Gaon had an effortlessness in the way he cooked, gracefully maneuvering through the tasks, done with it before you know it. Watching him cemented the fact that cooking was indeed an art. An art that Gaon was both creating and being a part of.
"Can you pass me the salt ?" He asked from where he was cooking the eggs.
Yohan promptly presented it to him. He had finished up with the vegetables and was contemplating whether to dawdle by the door and continue to stare at Gaon.
"Thanks." Gaon sprinkled the salt into the egg, passing it back, "That's pretty much done. I just have to put on the oil and mix up all the ingredients. We'd have to restock on the vegetables soon. Such a shame there aren't any convenience store near our home."
And Gaon went on about how the mansion was in the middle of no where and how there were both pros and cons to it but Yohan did not take note of anything.
He could not. His mind rang loud and clear with a single word that Gaon had uttered, repeating and turning in his head over and over again. Home. Home.
Gaon had called the place home.
More specifically their home.
Our.
Yohan put down the salt shaker onto the counter with a clatter, causing Gaon to jerk his head towards him.
"Chief?"
Our home.
"Kang Yohan?"
It was actually home to Gaon too.
"Yohan!" His voice had raised an octave, staggering him out of his thoughts, "Are you okay?"
Yohan noticed the way the other's face was coated with concern, the way one of his hands reached out to him, the way his eyes tried to lock his own in a stare.
'Pity and compassion.'
Yohan shook his head, "It's nothing."
"You look like something is troubling you." Gaon's voice was soft.
'Was that all it was? Was it really just pity and compassion?'
Yohan's eyes darted, pursing his lips firmly.
'Was it more?'
Yohan felt cornered into a never ending struggle with himself and years of exhaustion crashed in on him.
Gently, Gaon placed his hand on Yohan's arm and his resolve crumbled. His shoulders drooped and he let his head fall. Gaon stepped closer.
"It's all too much." Yohan's voice was barely above a whisper, trepidation coursing through his body.
He dreaded the questions that were going to come his way now, dreaded having to answer, dreaded having to face what he had barricaded himself from.
But Gaon didn't ask any questions. He didn't say a single word. And Yohan didn't know whether that was better or worse. Didn't know whether the silence around him was a boon when his mind raved and yelled.
'You should have stayed shut.'
'He thinks you are pathetic.'
'You don't have the right to be vulnerable.'
'Don't wish for what you don't deserve.'
The floor felt like it would give out any moment. He'd never escape the shadows and a part of him was relieved to be pulled away.
"Yohan." Gaon's voice cut through the silence and the din of his head.
He let himself look up, chancing a glimpse at the other. His eyes were soft and earnest and Yohan's heart leapt.
When he spoke, after what felt like ages of hesitation, Gaon's voice was low. "Whatever it is, I'm going to be here with you."
There was a tinge of uncertainty hidden beneath but his smile was reassuring and Yohan wanted to believe him, wanted to trust him. Wanted to hold on to the warmth that spread through him. And for the first time in a long while, it felt okay to want.
Slowly, Gaon moved closer. The hand on his arm making it's way towards the nape of his neck. A shiver ran through him. Doubt crossed over the other's face as he gulped. He paused and Yohan's heart felt weak.
Gaon sighed. Yohan could see every little detail of his face, etching into his memories as he took it all in. Gradually, the other's shoulders dropped and he closed the distance, pressing their foreheads together.
His heart hammered. He was sure it would break his rib cage. The air around them was thick, anticipation lurking beneath. There was more, so much more to this simple touch of their foreheads.
"Maybe when all this is over. Maybe one day." Gaon whispered, only for them to hear.
He didn't complete the sentence. He didn't have to. Because Yohan knew. Even though he could not voice what it was, he knew. Maybe some day.
But for now, Yohan was content with just this. Their foreheads pressed together, small smiles playing on their lips. Content with the hope for more that hung between them.
His throat burned and his eyes watered and he wondered if he was going to cry now. That would be weird and ridiculous. But he was standing with his head pressed to the man he loved, who he thoroughly believed hated him just an hour ago and that in itself was weird and ridiculous.
He was wrong, a recurring theme tonight. The room filled with smoke and the oil was on the verge of bubbling.
"Oh shit." Gaon exclaimed, moving away, the temperature around him dropping in an instant. His skin longed for more warmth.
He turned off the stove turning around with a sheepish grin on his face.
"We'll figure everything out later. For now, hand me the ingredients so I can mix everything up faster." He said, blinding smile and all.
So Yohan did and they worked together, getting the dish ready. The shadows were still there just out of his eyesight, but they no longer felt daunting. Because the faith and confidence in the other's voice, in his emphasis of an optimistic 'later' was strong and Yohan couldn't help but hang on to that.
"Elijah, dinner is ready." Gaon called at the top of his voice, promptly earning a "I'll be there" from the girl.
Sure enough she wheeled into the kitchen before they could even finish setting up the table.
"Were you trying to kill me by starvation?" Elijah quipped.
"Don't give me ideas." Gaon retorted.
She made a face at him, settling herself into the table.
"Why's Yohan setting down the plate?" The teen asked, eyebrows gathered in suspicion.
"He helped me in cooking actually" Gaon replied, directing a smile towards Yohan.
"What!" Elija exclaimed, "Yohan helped? He once burnt water trying to make ramen."
"Elijah" Yohan's voice reflected how offended he was. That was one time and he was just distracted by work.
"Trust me, he made it easier or else I wouldn't have finished it this fast. Now let's eat." Gaon declared, cutting short what could have been an hour's worth of argument.
They tucked in and the fried rice was extremely delicious. Gaon never really made anything that was not delicious, so it wasn't surprising. Yohan had barely chipped in, yet he felt a sense of accomplishment.
He was conscious that his mind had gone silent. The ambiance took over him as he relished in the precious peace he was feeling. He knew this peace was fleeting but the barrage of words had taken a respite and all he wanted now was to rest.
A joke passed between Gaon and Elijah and they giggled with their mouths full. Yohan felt awash with delight just looking at them. He longed for more of this. He wanted more of this.
Yohan waited. Waited for the words to tell him to quit wanting, to tell him he was asking for too much. But nothing reached his ears except the sound of soft clinks and occasional chuckles.
"Take more." Gaon spoke, carefully placing a side dish on Yohan's rice.
He looked at the other man as he did the same for Elijah. There was a smile on their faces, and it tugged at Yohan's hearts and cheeks and he felt himself slowly but surely smile too.
Face beaming, he realised he was with the people who bought him unbridled happiness. Elijah was there with him. Gaon was there with him. And that was all that mattered to Kang Yohan.