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King Roman sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Ugh, give me a few hours to think of something,” he groaned.
His lead advisor that he’d inherited from his father, who Roman refused to refer to as anything but Orange, protested, “But sir, we need a decision soon. It’s already been a week since enemy troops positioned themselves just outside our walls, and we’ve done little besides ask them to leave. That, on top of your lack of harem-”
“I’ll have something for you in two hours, regarding the troops,” Roman said, waving Orange away.
Orange huffed and spun on his heel, leaving the throne room grumbling. Roman brushed a hand over his face. A week into being king and the enemy decides to attack? The nerve!
“You know, if you roll out the catapults to the front gate, that would take care of the troops outside the walls on that side, and then you could concentrate your archers on the rear of the kingdom walls.”
Roman looked over to the side of his throne. Sir Virgil had been his best knight, until he’d been shot by an arrow that had permanently damaged his shoulder. That was 4 weeks ago, he was still in a sling, and ever since he’d been released from the medical wing he’d been making his lack of work everyone else’s problem.
Roman raised an eyebrow. “And just how would you propose moving the catapults from the armory down 100 feet of stairs to the front entrance, hm?”
Sir Virgil shrugged. “Ramps.”
Roman stopped short. Oh, he’s smart. “...very well.” He appraised Virgil. He’ll never be able to be a knight again and he needs something to do, and he’s not too unfortunate-looking… “How would you like a job?”
/////
Virgil adjusted the silks that hid exactly nothing of his upper body so they’d sit comfortably over his still-bandaged arm and shoulder. He was about to join his first ever advisor meeting, and he was beyond nervous. He’d been rather enjoying his life as the first member of Roman’s harem (that so far hadn’t even resulted in a single flirtatious remark, which Virgil wasn’t complaining about but he was certainly confused by), and he didn’t want to do anything to fuck it up.
“Ready?”
Virgil jumped and hissed through his teeth as his shoulder was jostled by the sudden movement.
Roman was frowning. Before Virgil could apologize, Roman asked, “Are you alright? I can have a healer come over. If you’d prefer to sit out this meeting and rest, that would be a more than acceptable course of action.”
Virgil was stunned. “Huh?”
Roman nodded at him. “Your shoulder, it seems to be causing you pain.”
“Oh! It’s not too bad, I’ll be fine. Still getting used to not moving it too much.”
Roman laughed. “Yes, that I have been witness to. Are you ready?”
“Yeah. Do I need to walk, like, meekly or whatever?” Virgil asked, cheeks already heating up at the future humiliation.
A look of disgust came over Roman. “No, I wouldn’t expect that of anyone under my employ.”
Virgil let out a breath. “Alright, cool cool.”
The meeting started out as expected, a few snickers from his former co-workers who were still knights, but nothing Virgil couldn’t ignore. Virgil recognized Orange by his blaze orange ensemble that hurt his eyes (no wonder Roman refused to give Virgil his actual name). When it came time to discuss military tactics, Roman spoke first.
“I would like to introduce my military advisor, Sir Virgil. Sir Virgil, if you would, please announce your strategy for driving off the enemies.”
Before Virgil could get a word out, Virgil’s former boss blurted out, “You’re trusting your military strategy with a common whore?!”
Virgil levelled him with his best death glare. “Call me that again and I’ll cut off your balls and shove them down your throat.”
Only Virgil was close enough to hear the King swallow his laughter at the general’s paling face. Roman cleared his throat and spoke.
“To answer your question, yes. Sir Virgil, if you wouldn’t mind continuing?”
Virgil smirked. “Gladly.” For the next 20 minutes, Virgil confidently discussed his strategy with the catapults and archers, fielded questions, and specified the ideal placements. As the meeting drew to a close and Roman went to do the obligatory schmoozing with top leaders (Virgil noticed with glee how the military personel scrambled to get out, supposedly to “update the troops”), the Lead Advisor of Common Education approached Virgil. Virgil did the customary respectful bow, which the advisor returned.
“I trust King Roman is treating you well?” he inquired, blue eyes sparkling from beneath a sandy fringe.
“Yes, very much so. This fucked up rotator cuff is the best thing to happen to me,” Virgil internally winced at his choice of words. Gonna have to work on that.
The advisor just laughed. “I suppose it must be! Surely, being part of a harem is much more comfortable than being a knight.”
Virgil shrugged, and winced as he once again forgot about his injured shoulder. “Yeah, it is. I’m just glad I can help in some capacity by being a strategic advisor.”
“Yes, yes, that must be quite fun for you,” the advisor purred. Virgil bristled at his condescending tone. “Do let me know if you require more… attention than what King Roman provides.”
Virgil wrinkled his face. He focused on Roman, and heard his attention was on Orange who was insisting that one person could hardly be considered a harem. “I think I’m good.”
“Oh, of course, of course, but do keep me in mind.” And before Virgil realized what was happening, the advisor had patted his ass.
Virgil used his good arm to grab the man’s offending hand, twist him around, bring him to his knees, and place a foot on the middle of his back.
“Ow! You stupid whore, get off-”
“What is the meaning of this?!” King Roman thundered.
Virgil released the advisor. “This guy was perving all over me, and I get I’m part of a harem but I don’t stand for that shit.”
“It was just a love tap!”
King Roman’s face was red with anger. “Sir Virgil, he encroached on your person?”
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”
“You are relieved of your duties.”
Virgil sagged while the advisor smiled smugly. Welp, the grapes and silk were fun while they lasted. “Yeah, okay.”
Roman jerked back a bit in confusion. “What? No, you,” he glared at the now-ex-advisor.
The advisor was aghast. “Excuse me? How dare you!”
“How dare you, touching a man without his consent and then having the gall to speak to me in such a tone!”
Virgil was in too much shock to process the rest of the conversation. He came back to his senses just outside the medical wing. Roman was instructing the doctor to recheck Virgil’s bandages as they didn’t seem to quite hold his shoulder still, and sighed in relief when he caught Virgil watching them.
“Virgil, there you are! Are you alright? Say the word, and I’ll arrange for you to speak with our mind doctor.”
Virgil blinked a few times.
Roman turned back to the doctor. “Could he have gone into shock? Does he need-”
Virgil shook his head to unfreeze his brain. “No, I’m fine. I’ve had people trying to kill me, part of the job, I’m okay.”
King Roman furrowed his brow. “Are you sure? Truly, if you need to talk to someone-”
Virgil held his good hand up. “I’m fine, promise. I’ll talk to someone later if I need to.”
Roman sighed in relief. “Thank goodness. Oh! The military is deploying your strategy as we speak! I thought I’d let you know before the good doctor looked you over.”
“Dope! Wait, what?”
King Roman was walking away. “I’ll see you once you’re tended to!” he called over his shoulder.
“What are you talking about, my shoulder… actually kinda hurts, okay fine.”
/////
One successful defeat of an opposing military later, and Roman had removed yet another advisor from his circle for creepy behavior.
“Hey Princey, I appreciate you defending my honor and shit, but that was the Lead Advisor of Trade,” Virgil began.
“And I’m better off without him!” Roman declared.
Virgil scratched his chin. “I mean yeah, but also you have a trade meeting with neighboring kingdoms coming up in a week, and two days after that you have an internal trade meeting with surrounding villages and the farmers within the city walls.”
Roman started stretching his arms and back in a way Virgil had identified meant he was stressed. “And there has been even more talk of my small harem, which does not bode well for external negotiations,” Roman murmured to himself.
Virgil shifted. “Yeah, that. Why don’t you just have your new advisors be part of your harem like me?”
Roman paused. “That’s… brilliant! Thank you Virgil!”
Virgil shrugged. “Yeah, no problem. It’s a pretty sweet gig. Although I don’t know why you haven’t-” he cut himself off with an awkward cough.
King Roman looked distinctly uncomfortable. “I’m afraid I’m not… particularly interested in those activities. I apologize if I’ve disappointed you.”
Virgil let out a breath. “I mean, I’m kinda relieved, not that you’re not hot! But I’d rather not break my two rules.”
Roman preened at the compliment. “What are your two rules?”
“Don’t shit where you eat and don’t fuck where you work.”
“Ah.”
“Look, there might be enough time to get someone else up to speed before the trade meetings. But you’ll have to choose someone quickly.”
Roman sat down in his throne and looked skyward in thought. “Are you familiar with Patton Hart? He’s already organized the internal farmers into their current union. What of him?”
Virgil remembered running into him right after a difficult mission and somehow ending up with a bag of tomatoes, a bag of bell peppers, and strict instructions to bathe and sleep. “Yeah, he’s a good guy.”
“How do you think he’d do as an advisor?”
Virgil didn’t have to think for long. “I think he’d be awesome. Want me to talk to him?”
“If you’d be so kind. And please assure him that his role would be strictly as an advisor.”
Virgil smirked. “You mean a shirtless advisor.”
Roman turned beet red, and Virgil cackled.
/////
Before Virgil knew it, the harem quarters weren’t so lonely. Patton had agreed to join, very happy with the wardrobe and quickly making a name for himself. Patton had, in turn, recommended Logan Logos to replace the other creepy advisor. Logan had run a very successful pre-K Montessori program before joining the palace harem, and he fit in with the rest of the advising circle well, already creating reforms to account for diverse learning styles. In fact, Virgil had noticed that the advisors who weren’t part of the harem started taking him and Patton more seriously once the proper and strong Logan had joined them.
The day of the inter-kingdom trade meeting had come, and Logan and Virgil would both be attending along with Patton. Everyone was nervous about how the sweet and gentle Patton would do at such a fierce and antagonistic event.
Virgil’s shoulder was out of the cast and sling, although it was still tender. He clapped a hand on Patton’s shoulder. “Go get ‘em,” he said, trying to be encouraging.
Patton flushed. “Thanks Vee.”
The meeting began, along with the customary hour-long political niceties, and finally it came time for the trade advisors to speak on their leaders’ behalf.
Virgil ground his teeth at the open snickering of Patton’s garb, and he could tell Logan and Roman were feeling the same way. Patton, however, seemed to be unaffected by it all. As expected, the Kingdom of Fiery Fields spoke first.
“King Roman, we propose a 5% increase of taxes for the crops we export to your kingdom, lest we cease all wheat exports to you.”
“You may call me Advisor Hart, and for what reason? We already pay you 12% more for your crops than other kingdoms.”
The platinum blonde man stared at Patton with haughty hazel eyes. “Because, Advisor Hart,” he sneered. “our crops are unmatched in quality!”
Patton nodded his head. “Fair point. I suppose you won’t mind a moratorium on all exports of our steel to your kingdom then?”
It was as if all the air was sucked out of the room.
Platinum Blonde was outraged. “You wouldn’t!”
“Actually, we would. You are now meeting with the new King’s new advisory circle, and we won’t stand for pointless tax increases that a review of the books show only go to pay the noblewomen you’re cheating on your wife with,” Patton stated, smiling sweetly the entire time.
Half of the trade advisors around the table laughed, while the other half gawked. Platinum Blonde backed down, and the trade meeting lasted for only 2 days instead of the typical 3 since Patton effectively shut down any ego-based bullshitting that occurred.
/////
Virgil and Patton were taking turns trying to toss grapes into each others’ mouths, laughing, while Logan pretended to be irritated by their antics. The doors opened suddenly to show Orange, in his eye-burning all-orange ensemble.
“Hiya!” Patton chirped, hiding his own discomfort. They were all intensely disliked by Orange, who seemed to blame them for Roman not being interested in sex or romance.
Orange sniffed. “Advisor Logos, the noble King would like to extend his congratulations on the tax reform that redirected many of the fees of our noblepeople to educational supplies.”
Logan nodded at him. “Thank you. I’m quite proud of that myself and am very glad it came to fruition. Was their anything else you required, Advisor Wrath?”
“What?!” Virgil and Patton shouted at the same time. They whipped their heads over to Orange.
“No. Good day.” With that, Orange - or rather, Advisor Wrath - left their room.
Virgil and Patton turned back to Logan, who was seemingly reading again.
“Dude what the fuck-”
“How the heck did you know?!”
Logan just raised an eyebrow while continuing to read. “I have a way of finding things out,” he said, looking up for a second to smirk at them before going back to his book.
Virgil and Patton decided to not test Logan’s abilities.