Archive of Our Own ^beta

His freshmen year of college Paxton starts doing this thing. And look, he knows it makes him a total dick bag but it’s completely out of his control by the time he realizes he’s doing it.

He goes to Stanford on a swimming scholarship. It’s great for lots of reasons. But it’s perfect because it’s not too far from home, by plane or car. He says he did it to stay close to his family, to stay close to Becca. But that’s not it. Not all of it anyway.

A healthy amount of it has to do with his ex-girlfriend.

x

Paxton and Devi flamed out spectacularly at the end of his junior year.  She tried dating Ben Gross over the summer, but they never seemed to achieve lift off into a serious relationship. At the end of summer Ben met a girl online in one of the prospective student chatrooms for Harvard, and that was it for Devi and Ben, the couple.

Paxton had been away teaching English in Japan all that summer, to beef up his resume for college applications. And he thanked God it also meant he missed Devi and Ben 2.0. Enough time had passed that he and Devi soon slipped back into easy friendship sometime early in the fall.

Spring break of his senior year Paxton found himself rescuing Devi from the local pool where he was a temporary lifeguard. She’d fallen in while they’d been arguing over where he was going to school. Devi thought Paxton should be excited an Ivy school was recruiting him for his swimming, and she was passionately shouting down Paxton’s doubts over not being smart enough to hang in with his classmates.

Then she’d fallen in the pool.

When Paxton drove Devi home, he made some comment about it being just like old times and they’d stared at each other in his front seat for at least a minute easily. Devi’s hair was exceptionally curly, and Paxton’s heart beat all the way up in his throat.

He still wasn’t sure which one of them leaned in first.

So, they got back together, and Devi sat by Paxton in his bed with her hand on his back while he nervously sent in his acceptance letter. They didn’t talk about what they were going to do when he left for college. They should have.

But Paxton knew where that conversation would end up and he didn’t want it to. Going to Stanford meant he was going to be close enough that he could broach the topic of long-distance dating, but he was too scared Devi would reject the idea and things would get awkward and they’d break up before he even left. Breaking up with Devi twice was already two too many times in his head. Paxton didn’t want to be responsible for a third.

So, he didn’t bring it up, and then finally Devi did. But not the way he wanted her to. Devi had nervously analyzed the odds of successfully carrying out a long-distance relationship in college. The numbers weren’t good. She was determined to send Paxton off to school single so he wouldn’t ‘miss out and resent her.’

Paxton thought it was bullshit, but he didn’t exactly have a leg to stand on. Their first break up had been Devi’s fault of course, what with her ill-thought-out plan to two time him, but the second break up had been all Paxton and his insecurities. He couldn’t exactly beg Devi to give them more time when it was largely his fault they’d lost out on so much in the first place.

So, they stayed together through Paxton’s graduation, and all summer, knowing it would come to an end for them in September. They wound around each other tighter and tighter, until he was climbing in her window the night before he was flying out.

They didn’t have sex. They hadn’t. First Paxton hadn’t been ready, then Devi wasn’t, and after a point it became pretty clear they were both dancing around the idea of sex so carefully because it was going to make his leaving that much harder. So, they didn’t have sex. But Paxton did end up spending the night for the first and, his heart wrenched painfully, probably last time. He woke Devi up early and they held each other until his mom started texting him frantically.

Paxton almost got caught when Devi’s mom came out to get the paper, but he managed to duck behind a car parked on their street. He’d just needed one last look at Devi. She was crying but she was smiling at him, waving from where she hung practically halfway out of her window. He mouthed I love you and her smile grew, and her eyes were glittering with tears in the morning sunlight.

Paxton thought about that last look at Devi the whole flight. He thought about it when he was unpacking in his dorm and he thought about it when he pinned a picture of them up on his bulletin board, next to one of him and his family at his graduation.

And this is where we begin.

x

College is intense and Paxton gets majorly homesick after his first month. He caves about not drinking during swim season one night and gets too drunk at a Halloween party. He leaves Devi an embarrassingly soppy voicemail while he stumbles home.

Deviiiiiii it’s Halloween, happy Halloween!! Ho, ho, ho! Wait. Whatever- Oh my GOD DEVI! Someone’s dressed up as Belle. Well, I think she’s Belle. Maybe like…R Rated Belle. She has the yellow dress. You know the one. The big one that kinda looked like butter. But it’s like…not a big dress. I think it’s a children’s costume. Devi. I think this grown lady’s in a kid’s costume. You’d probably hate her. I probably hate her. I would if you did... Hey! Remember when you made me dress up as General Shang and then you dressed up as Mushu and nobody got it? I thought your dragon tail looked awesome though. We weren’t even together, and you got me to do that. You always get me to do what you want and you don’t even realize you do it. And I’d do anything for you anyway. I still would you know? You know that right? You’re so smart you probably do know. Good. I love how smart you are, did I ever tell you that? Not just like, how much but how you are about it. There’s a lot of dudes here like that Gross kid. Ha. Gross kid. But they’re all up their own butts about how great they are. And you were always so smart and you didn’t act like a total jackass about it. I mean you were a jackass about other things but. Shit, sorry I called you a jackass. SHIT, Devi I think I left my phone at the party! Fuck! Ok I gotta go back and get it, I’ll call you later I love you.

Yeah. So, Paxton would never be drinking again.

He wakes up to Devi having sent him several memes in response to his word vomit. After the last one she adds I really miss you.

They’ve texted and even Facetime’d a few times, so she’s said she misses him before. But the ‘really’ gets to him, and Paxton books a flight home for the long Thanksgiving weekend that same morning.

Here’s where the dick bag moves start. In his defense, he really, really, didn’t realize what he was doing.

Initially, Paxton doesn’t want to date, because he just wants to date Devi and he’s still kinda pissed she thought he needed to be single to enjoy college. So, he stubbornly refuses to act like a single dude to spite Devi, even though he isn’t telling her about it.

Then Eleanor posts a story of some party, and he sees Devi and Ben in the background, looking like they’re having a very intense, very intimate conversation. Paxton makes out with some blonde girl at a frat mixer that night, mostly because she looks nothing like Devi.

He breaks about a week later and brings up Ben to Devi through text. She immediately calls him to tell him Ben has broken up with his girlfriend, was coming out as bi, was crushing on some dude in their Model UN club, and he wanted Devi’s opinion on his chances, despite Devi’s horrendous “gaydar”.

Paxton feels like an idiot. The blonde girl- Hailey? Hannah? He was a dick- had texted him after the party, and in an effort to not feel like a womanizing douche he’d taken her out to dinner. It hadn’t been that bad and a mean voice in Paxton’s head told him if Devi was moving on, or backwards he’d thought spitefully, then he should really try to move forward too. He and Devi were just friends now.

He’s just getting out of class and texting Devi and simultaneously trying to make plans with- oh fuck, he was going to hell- to go out again, when he gets Devi’s call. She drops the multiple bombs about Ben, and he doesn’t know how to respond in a way that doesn’t give away his purely jealous-ex-boyfriend-based relief. Slipping his phone into his pocket, he starts to head to his dorm while Devi chatters on in his ear about Ben and this guy, Aaron, through his wireless headphones.

“I’m coming home for Thanksgiving.” Paxton blurts out as a non-sequitur. Devi makes a surprised sound that turns into a squeal.

“You are!?”

“Yeah,” he breaths out, relieved she sounds so excited.

“Oh my god yes! When? Can I see you!? We can hang out right? I mean I guess you’ll wanna spend time with your family and stuff but-“

“Devi- Devi!” Paxton cuts her off laughing, “Yeah we can see each other. We can definitely hang out.”

Devi giggles softly and it reminds him of the way she’d laugh if he brushed his lips against her throat too lightly.

“We definitely can.” Paxton is aware that his voice is dropping lower, to the way it used to sound when they were alone together, and he’d have a hand up her shirt.

Heather- Heather! Her name was Heather! Heather texts him back and though he pulls his phone out of his pocket to see what she’s written, he doesn’t take any of it in. This is because Devi inhales sharply through his headphones and it feels like she’s right there with him.

“Sweet.” Devi manages to make the word sound incredibly loaded. It short-circuits his brain.

Paxton closes his messages app to open his Delta app, and with a few clicks he changes his flight from Wednesday to Tuesday morning. He only has a morning lecture Tuesdays, and there was rumor going around it was most likely going to be cancelled because their professor wanted to beat Thanksgiving traffic. Paxton will take that chance for Devi and her sharp inhale. He wants her to make that sound against his shoulder as he touches her in all the places he’s been dreaming of touching her again.

“I’m actually getting in Tuesday afternoon; I could pick you up from school and we can hang before all the Thanksgiving craziness.” Paxton stuffs a hand in his jacket, knowing Devi will say yes, but somehow still feeling nervous about it.

“That sounds amazing!” Devi says, and he can picture her wiggling her upper half in glee.

They talk a while longer and it isn’t until Paxton is fucking around on his phone before bed that he remembers he didn’t text Heather back.

sounds great how’s tuesday? xo

Shit. He starts to type a response to her, but then Devi sends him a TikTok, and he forgets about texting anyone who isn’t his ex-girlfriend who he is definitely still in love with.

It’s the beginning of a pattern he won’t identify until it’s pointed out to him by Trent, of all people.

x

Paxton won’t admit it, but he definitely nearly crashes his car and runs a definitely not-quite-still-yellow light on the way to pick up Devi. Waiting outside in the parking lot, he bounces on his heels and adjusts his jacket. The bell rings and Paxton feels lightheaded with excitement.

Paxton and Devi see each other at the same time because she bursts through the school doors right as he turns towards them. Its ridiculously cheesy how they run to each other and meet in the middle of the quad. She drops her backpack, and he picks her up clean off the ground, spinning her around in a bear hug. It’s like a scene out of The damn Notebook.

Paxton doesn’t have time to feel embarrassed, because as soon as he puts Devi down, she grabs him by the cheeks and kisses him square on the mouth. Someone whoops around them but Paxton is only aware of how Devi tastes the same and feels the same and the love he has for her is still the goddamn same.

They pull apart and he feels like there are stars in his eyes.

“Uh…hi,” Paxton says dumbly.

“‘Sup.” Devi is smiling widely, practically glowing in the late afternoon sunshine.

He likes this so much better than when she was crying. Devi smiling and saying hello is much more preferable to her crying and saying goodbye. Paxton squeezes her closer before Fab taps him on the shoulder suddenly. Devi’s best friends are watching them with amusement.

“Paxton H-Y get your hands off Devi’s ass before you get her a detention right before break.” Eleanor dramatically widens her eyes, gesturing to the hands Paxton definitely has on Devi’s ass.

Paxton grins and lets Devi go to give her friends hugs hello, before pulling the backpack Devi has just picked up out of her arms. Devi scoffs at him affectionately and loops her arm around his free one.

“We’re gunna go, I’ll see you guys tomorrow for pie baking.”

Paxton perks up. “Woah you guys are making pie?”

“Yeah, you can join us if you want,” Fab is offering as Devi pulls him away towards his car.

“See you later,” Devi calls obnoxiously and Paxton is dragged off before he can properly say goodbye. Or say that he is definitely coming over for pie.

“Use protection!” Eve yells after them, suddenly materializing beside Fabiola. Fab and Eleanor hush her frantically but it’s too late.

Paxton knows his ears are turning red as he opens the door for Devi to get in his jeep.

When he gets in on his side and shuts the door a charged silence falls between them. Devi looks at him with excitement in her eyes, but Paxton can read the hesitancy in the way she’s scrunching up her mouth. She’s wondering if he heard what Eve said.

“We’re not having sex.” Paxton says bluntly. He’s only in town until Sunday, he figures he and Devi don’t have time to beat around the bush in terms of serious conversations about their relationship. Devi seems to get on the same page as him. She nods decisively.

“We’re not getting back together.”

It hurts, but he didn’t really expect that they would. Paxton nods, biting his lip to keep from frowning dejectedly.

Devi reaches for him and cups his jaw.

“I’m really happy you’re here.”

Paxton holds her wrist, keeping her hand on his face.

“Me too. I missed you.” He turns and kisses her palm. Devi makes a sound at this. Its part pleased and part pained, and he gets it because it’s kind of how he feels being around her in this moment.

They lock eyes and wind up making out in the parking lot until Devi accidentally honks the horn when she clambers across the gear shift to get into Paxton’s lap. 

They spend as much time together as they can when Paxton doesn’t have to be with his family. He hangs out in Fab’s kitchen and proclaims Devi’s pies the best out of the ones she makes with Fab and Eleanor on Wednesday afternoon. They fool around at the movies on Black Friday. She drags him to the farmers market on Saturday morning to graze on all the free samples.

He sneaks into Devi’s bedroom every night he’s in town.

On Thanksgiving night Paxton almost falls off her roof he’s so hazy from the tryptophan. When he gets in bed with Devi, they’re both too full to hook up so they just cuddle all night.

He tells her about how it’s been tough adjusting to college but he’s finally getting into the swing of things and he’s having a Friendsgiving with some friends with everyone’s holiday leftovers when he gets back. She tells him about how things are going at school with her friends, and how her mom and Pati are fighting over the shed they want to put up in the backyard. Paxton knows she’s avoiding talking about her college applications, because he saw her sweep the brochures off her desk when he came over that first night.

He pretends to be fine with it. Devi doesn’t want to talk about their future, and if it’s because she sees one where they’re not together then he’s fine not talking about it. He tries to just be with her here, in this moment, in her room, in her arms.

They do have sex. Saturday night. Well technically early Sunday morning. It isn’t something either of them plan on, but it feels like it was inevitable.

Devi was always going to lose her virginity to Paxton, even though it’s when they’re not even together. Paxton tries to ignore the irony of this as hard as he can.

He’s nervous it was a mistake when they wake up, because Devi is dozing on his chest and she’s so very much still his whole world, and she said they weren’t getting back together. He doesn’t want her to regret this. But Devi wakes up smiling at him and when Paxton asks if she’s ok, she nods, and her eyes are so serious he has to believe her.

It’s crazy early still when they sneak back to his place. Devi comes over with Paxton ostensibly to help him pack, but really, they spend the morning having sex in all the places Paxton had fantasized about them doing it in his house. His garage, his bed, the shower, and Devi even feels him up in his kitchen while they wait for their Poptarts to come out of the toaster.

She stays for lunch with his family and then it’s time for him to be driven to the airport. Paxton walks Devi down his driveway and wraps his arms around her waist as tightly as he can, lifting her up onto her toes. Devi holds onto him for dear life, and they sway from side to side.

“It super sucks to say goodbye to you,” she mumbles into his neck, her lips pressed to the hickey she sucked onto him hours ago. Paxton shudders.

“So don’t. I’m back for Christmas break in like a month.” He gives her a hopeful smile.

“Oh yeah.” Devi beams. But then she sighs and runs her hand along his jawline. He presses into it.

“Still sucks.”

“Yeah.” Paxton lets out a breath. Tell me this meant something, he thinks hopefully. He wonders if Devi can read it in his eyes. She looks at him seriously and then bites her lip.

“We’re still broken up.” Devi looks regretful, but firm. Paxton tries not to appear as cut up about it as he feels.

“Yeah, I know Vishwakumar.”

It’s the first time that Paxton calls Devi that the whole time he’s been home for break. Devi’s face looks pained now and she pulls him down for a kiss. It’s desperate and leaves him breathless and shaky. When she pulls away, she presses her forehead to his and Paxton grips her tightly to stay balanced because he feels like he just got shot up to the moon.

“Have a good rest of the semester,” Devi’s words sound hollow. Like they weren’t what she actually meant to say.

But he has to leave, and she has to stay and there’s nothing he can do about it apparently, because she doesn’t want to be together.

Paxton presses his lips together to keep from saying something stupid like I love you or why aren’t we getting back together, you’re still the only one I want. He nods against her instead.

His dad calls his name from where he’s putting Paxton’s suitcase in the back of the car.

Devi tilts her head to kiss him again, and it’s a hard kiss, and it feels a little wrong but maybe that’s just because it’s their last one. She pulls away and hugs him again.

“Text me when you land?” Her voice is quiet. Paxton’s throat hurts and he can’t speak suddenly.

He nods and squeezes her one more time before she pulls away and walks down the end of his block. He stands there like an idiot, watching her leave.

Devi doesn’t answer his text that he landed, just reacts to it with a heart reaction.

Heather, on the other hand, has texted Paxton again, sometime when he was on the plane.

guess the break got in our way. let me know when you wanna hang :) hope you had a good thanksgiving.

Paxton doesn’t respond.

x

Devi continues not to respond to Paxton’s texts. Or his calls, once he gets desperate enough to call her.

It completely freaks him out because they had sex, after not having it for years, after it being the whole reason they ever spoke in the first place. And now she’s not talking to him and he’s certain it’s because she thinks the whole thing was a huge mistake. That Paxton was a mistake. He’s maybe spiraling a bit.

It all makes Paxton feel like total shit. The only good thing to come out of it is he’s so desperate not think about Devi that he actually really throws himself into school.

But then his TA pulls him aside after their last review session before his final and tells him to relax because he’s going to do fine. Immediately Paxton wants to share this with Devi.

He calls her. She doesn’t answer. Who taught her to ghost people so effectively? Fuck, it was definitely Paxton. Ghosting was his go to move.

Paxton opens up Instagram, wondering if he has to resort to DM’ing Devi if she won’t reply to his texts, and that’s when he sees a picture posted by Aneesa.

Devi’s in the picture, but so is some guy with his arm around her shoulder in a way that doesn’t look at all platonic. And Paxton knows the difference between a platonic arm on the shoulder and a romantic one.

He calls Devi again. It goes to voicemail. Paxton can’t bring himself to leave yet another embarrassing message on her phone, so he hangs up angrily.

When he gets out of his last final Paxton approaches a pretty girl who he knows has been eyeing him in class all semester. Her name is Raquelle, and she can’t hang out this evening because she’s got one last final tomorrow. But they exchange numbers, and she says she’ll hit him up after her exam. 

The next day Paxton almost doesn’t check his texts as he packs his suitcase for winter break, because he knows Raquelle’s last exam won’t let out for another two hours. But something makes him pick up his phone when it buzzes.

It’s Devi.

are you back home yet?

It’s infuriating. It makes Paxton wanna throw his phone against the wall. They slept together and then Devi ghosted him, got a boyfriend, and then she had the audacity to send him a text like she hadn’t been screening his calls all month.

what the fuck is going on with you is how Paxton wants to answer. What did I do wrong? Is what he really wants to ask her.

tomorrow night is all he sends back.

She doesn’t send anything in reply to that. He throws one of the slides he’d been putting into his suitcase against the wall in lieu of his phone. It makes a pathetic plastic-y slapping sound where it hits.

Paxton’s so angry with Devi he turns his phone off, finishes packing, and then spends a couple hours in the pool to tire himself out.

He totally spaces about Raquelle until he’s back in bed and he’s plugging his phone in to charge for the night. He turns it back on to set his alarms for his flight tomorrow and sees Raquelle has sent him a few texts, the latest of which includes an offer to just hang out in his dorm.

It just reminds Paxton of how catastrophically things turned out the last time he had sex, so he doesn’t bother responding.

x

Ben Gross throws a Christmas Eve Eve party, which…Like, why? Isn’t he Jewish? Anyway, somehow Paxton finds himself invited.

He only goes because he knows Devi will be there. Even though she responded with a welcome home when his resolve broke and he texted her about being back in Sherman Oaks, he still hasn’t seen her. Pretending it hasn’t been driving him crazy clearly isn’t working, because Rebecca has been sending him some real pitying looks as he mopes around the house.

Paxton’s desperate to see Devi. To talk to her. To yell at her, frankly, because she worried him, and she hurt his feelings. He’s angry. And Paxton doesn’t like being angry, not really. It makes his whole body feel super uncomfortable. And he’s only getting more and more uncomfortable the longer it takes for Devi to show at this stupid party. 

He doesn’t deal with it well. Or deal with it at all, because he decides to get drunk. Devi isn’t here and he’s been at this party for over two fucking hours and when Paxton asks Ben if people are going to swim in his pool Ben looks at him funny and Paxton doesn’t care for that shit at all.

It’s obviously when Paxton starts to feel like maybe it’s a good thing he’s not in the pool ‘cuz the ground is plenty wavy, that Devi finally arrives. With the kid from the picture. Arm guy.

Paxton waits until Devi makes eye contact with him from the door to the porch. He’s sitting on a lounge chair by the pool and he’s definitely not sulking. He’s not. He’s just marveling at the truly grotesque reindeer cake Ben’s parents provided for the party. It sits outside on a table near the punch. It’s an ice cream cake and it’s definitely melting, and Paxton is one hundred percent going to have nightmares about that demented melty reindeer and the way it is looking at him like it’s begging him to end its misery.

Devi makes her way over to him and his stomach drops. She has a glittery gold top and cool ripped black pants on. As she gets closer to Paxton, he can see her eyelids are covered in the same gold glitter as her shirt. It’s not fair. She looks like a Christmas dream, and he feels like a Christmas nightmare.

Paxton gets up shakily from the lounge chair when Devi reaches him.

“Hi.” She bites her lip, and he hates her. Just a little. He hates that he wants to bite her lip too.

Paxton looks dramatically around himself and even behind his back. He turns back to Devi and points at himself.

“Who me? You’re actually talking to me?” He means it to be cutting but all the movement makes his head swim a bit and he knows he looks sloppy.

“Paxton,” Devi tries. He shakes his head, but it makes him lose his balance and he sways. So, he sits back down on the lounge chair and crosses his arms tightly.

“Wow and you remember my name? So, is it just my number you forgot? Or was it how to use a phone at all?”

Devi sighs. She sits down next to him. She smells like the perfume Paxton got her for her birthday his senior year. Back then she’d sprayed it on all his pillowcases so he would be ‘inspired to dream about her’. When the smell finally faded from the pillow he uses at Stanford he’d actually almost cried. He almost wants to cry now, smelling it again.

“You’re drunk.”

“You’re beautiful.” Paxton shoots back. Devi blinks, before looking pained.

“Paxton,” she starts.

“And you’re seeing someone.” Paxton continues, cutting her off. Devi presses her lips together guiltily. 

“And you didn’t even fucking tell me.”

Devi looks down at her lap and fiddles with her fingers.

“I…wasn’t sure how…”

Paxton’s drunk, Devi is sitting next to him but she won’t look at him, she hasn’t been talking to him, and she has a boyfriend. He’s had enough.

“You didn’t know how to pick up the phone all those times I called you? You just gotta hit the green button, Vishwakumar, I thought you were smart.”

It’s mean. The thing is, Paxton only ever calls Devi Vishwakumar when he wants to feel closer to her. When he’s feeling particularly affectionate about her. When he wants her to know he’s excited to have been talking to her.

So, he knows it’s mean of him to throw it in her face like this now.

Devi being Devi, can’t help but get angry. Her eyes narrow and she scowls.

“Ok you’re drunk, and I’m not taking about this with you right now.”

“Wow, what a change for you!”

Devi gets up.

“Look I didn’t tell you because it like, just happened! And it’s not serious!”

She looks a little like she didn’t mean to say that last part, because she darts her eyes around them nervously. Paxton knows she’s looking for the kid she came with, making sure he didn’t hear her, and it infuriates him. Paxton gets up from the chair again, and his anger must be burning away the alcohol in his system, because he feels less wobbly and much more sober.

“I seriously don’t care Devi,” he lies, before starting to walk away from her.

As Paxton passes her, Devi grabs his arm. He hates how his body immediately reacts to being touched by her. He freezes. His heart starts pounding. He can’t help but turn his head to look at her.

“Paxton,” Devi says pleadingly, and Paxton can’t take how sad she suddenly looks.

Sad Devi is one of Paxton’s weaknesses. And she’s touching him and she’s right next to him and saying his name and he’s thought about her and this all fucking month and they’re in Ben Gross’s backyard. He remembers driving her home from another party here. Being sixteen and kissing her for the first time in his jeep, parked outside her house right before her curfew. He remembers how she was wearing his sweatshirt.

“Whatever Devi, I’m not talking about this anymore either, not here.”

Devi purses her lips and Paxton tries not to stare. Where is her boyfriend even? Paxton would never leave Devi all alone at a party like this for so long.

“So where are you talking about this then? Because I thought you wanted to talk.” Devi snaps.

Paxton shrugs, because he knows it will make her mad. And he wants to ruin her boyfriend’s night by making Devi angry. As far as Paxton knows, he’s still the only one who gets a kick out of an angry Devi.

“I don’t know.”

Looking to the door, Paxton sees Fab is watching them with wide eyes while Eleanor stands behind her, waving her hands emphatically at the guy Devi came here with.

Ah. So that’s where Devi’s boyfriend is. Being distracted by her best friends so she can talk to her ex-boyfriend. Classic Devi and Friends hijinks. It makes Paxton scowl because he used to either be a victim of or involved in those before.

“Maybe you should actually fucking text me.” Paxton storms off and finds Trent, who’s DD for them tonight. Trent drives them home to Paxton’s place and they shotgun the beer Paxton still has in the fridge in the garage.

Paxton gets way too drunk to not sniffle a little when he lays his head on his pillow at night and realizes that this one still smells like Devi’s perfume.

x

The next day he wakes up to the doorbell ringing, first in real life and then on repeat in his pounding head. Rebecca sticks her head in his room.

“Paxton, it’s for you.”

Paxton groans.

“Sorry, there’s no one named Paxton at this residence anymore.”

“So, you’re saying I forgot your address too?” Comes another voice.

Devi.

Paxton’s head pops out from the covers, and he turns to see Devi standing in the frame of his door.

“You’re at my house.” Paxton says stupidly.

Devi smiles apologetically.

“You wanna get hangover pancakes?”

Devi in his room talking about pancakes when his head feels like an elephant sat on it makes Paxton question if this is really happening. He nods dumbly and sits up.

Devi’s eyes widen at his shirtless chest, and she turns around quickly.

“I’ll be in the car,” she says as she walks away abruptly.

“But you don’t have my…” he starts to say, but she’s gone. “Keys.” Paxton finishes to his empty room.

It’s a good thing Devi leaves when she does, because he’s hopelessly tangled in his sheets by his feet. He falls flat on his face when he finally gets free. He’s really glad Devi didn’t see that.

Turns out Devi doesn’t need his keys, because she’s got her mom’s car. And she’s driving it.

Paxton gets in the passenger seat slowly and stares at Devi, at how her hands are on the wheel of the car. This really feels like a dream. Or a nightmare because his head really fucking hurts.

“You’re driving.”

“Not yet,” Devi quips before she starts the car and pulls out of his driveway. “Ok now I’m driving.”

Paxton laughs incredulously.

“You’re driving.”

“I know!” Devi bounces in her seat with barely contained enthusiasm. 

“How is this real?”

Devi shoots him a smile before turning back to the road.

“I totally killed my SAT’s and mom finally decided I could handle the car.”

“Wow.”

“I know. I’m not totally convinced she didn’t just say yes because she can track the car GPS and she can’t do that with my scooter.”

Paxton laughs again and just like that he’s not mad at her anymore. But looking at Devi beaming at the road, furrowing her brow in concentration as she signals a left turn, makes his heart hurt. Paxton knows he threw himself into being mad at her so he wouldn’t have to think about how hurt he actually was.

Devi pulls into a Denny’s, and they settle into their seats in a booth, sitting across from each other. Paxton’s heart hurts some more because they used to sit side by side in these stupid booths and now he can’t press his entire thigh against her from hip to knee.

After they order Devi looks at him and takes a deep breath.

“He’s not my boyfriend. We’ve been out a couple times in the last two weeks, but he’s not my boyfriend.”

Paxton takes a second to chug the ice water in front of him. It’s not because his stomach lurches painfully at Devi’s words. It’s not.

“Ok,” he says, because he doesn’t know how to feel about this news and really, Devi seeing someone is not the main reason he’s been upset with her.

Devi looks a little flummoxed at his response. Paxton just looks at her blankly. They stare at each other in silence until the waitress comes by with their food.

Paxton feels better, physically, the moment he gets some bacon in his mouth. He can’t help but moan and Devi gives him an affectionate look of exasperation.

“You and your bacon.”

“I don’t eat it during swim season!” Paxton says defensively around a mouthful.

Devi laughs. “Yeah, yeah, gotta treat the body right and all the shit.”

“Exactly.”

“Except for when you get drunk anyway and have a monster hangover the next day.”

“I’m on break. And grease cures hangovers. It’s science.”

“Is it?” Devi says skeptically, her eyes twinkling.

“You tell me, you’re the science-y one.”

Devi giggles and gets chocolate on the side of her mouth when she takes another bite of her chocolate chip pancakes.

“Hey, did you block me on Instagram?” Paxton blurts out. Devi drops her fork.

“What?”

“You post shit to your story every day and then suddenly you totally stopped. Did you block me from seeing them or did you stop posting?”

Devi is silent, her eyes firmly avoiding his face. Paxton sighs.

“Devi…”

Devi squirms.

“Devi c’mon.”

“I blocked you from my stories ok!” Devi says quickly, ripping a napkin apart in her lap.

“Devi!” Paxton is honestly kind of appalled.

He didn’t think he’d done anything to deserve being blocked!

“I muted you too!” Devi continues, sounding a little hysterical.

“Devi! What the hell? Why?”

Devi looks up at the hurt in his voice. “I’m sorry! I was freaking out! Seeing you made me freak out.” She stops ripping up the napkin and balls up the pieces in her fist. Paxton puts down his fork.

“Did I do something?” He chews his lip nervously.

“No,” Devi says softly, her gaze gentle on his face.

Paxton looks away because he can’t look at her when he asks, “is it because we had sex?”

He can see from the corner of his eye that Devi is fidgeting.

“No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Paxton lets out a huff through his nose and reaches for his water for the sudden dryness in his mouth.

“Great.”

He’s angry again, and really, he’s just hurt again, because he’d been so worried that having sex was a mistake and she’d reassured him it wasn’t, and she’d lied, and he had been right, and it sucks. He would have happily respected her wishes if she’d just said she still wasn't ready in the first place. It didn’t change how he felt about her. At least if they hadn’t done it, she wouldn’t have iced him out for a month.

“I don’t regret it!” Devi says defensively.

“Right.” Paxton can’t look at her.

“I don’t. Paxton.” Devi gets up and comes to sit next to him on his side of the booth.

Immediately he whips his head up towards hers.

Devi grabs Paxton by the cheeks and looks at him very seriously.

“I don’t regret it. I missed you when you left, and I missed you while you were gone, and I spent the fall wishing we’d slept together before you went to college. You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to lose my virginity to. I don’t regret it.”

She’s so earnest. Her eyes are very dark and very serious. There’s leftover smudges of her make up under her lashes. She’s very close to him and he can smell the chocolate on her.

“So why’d you ghost me after?” Paxton feels exposed under these fluorescent lights and with the way Devi is looking at him. She bites her lip.

“I forgot the whole reason we didn’t have sex before you left in the first place was because it was gunna make things harder. And it did. I missed you so much and I thought about you all the time and I wanted to talk to you all the time.”

Paxton reaches to wrap his hand around one of her wrists.

“Yeah, but you didn’t even text me. Like, at all.”

Devi sighs.

“You said you were finally starting to get comfortable at school. You had friends and you were building your new life and I just…” Devi looks away.

“I didn’t want to get in the way,” she admits quietly.

God his heart hurt. She could be so carelessly devastating when she said things like she didn’t matter. Like Devi could ever not matter to Paxton after everything they’d been through.

“Devi,” Paxton says helplessly. She keeps her gaze averted but continues on.

“I know I didn’t handle it well. But I didn’t wanna Devi it up even more by dragging you into my feels. I told you I wanted you to experience everything you wanted in college.  I still do.”

Paxton scowls. “You know I hate when you use that.”

“In my feels?” Devi jokes feebly. He gives her a flat look and she finally meets his eyes again.

“Devi-ing it up.”

“I know.”

“If anything, when you came into my life you Devi’d it up by making everything better. You gave me shit to actually care about.”

Devi closes her eyes and leans in to press her forehead against his. Aside from the bacon, it’s the only thing that actually helps ease Paxton’s hangover. It eases his heartache too, but Paxton tries not to focus on that.

They sit like that for a moment, foreheads pressed together, her hands on his face, his hand on her wrist. They probably make a pretty intense picture for sitting in a Denny’s booth at 11am on Christmas Eve.

Finally, Paxton sighs. “I am building a new life,” he admits, because it’s true. His life looks very different than it did nine months ago and he’s finally starting to get roots down. 

Devi nods against his forehead. “I know.”

She sounds so proud. There’s really no one who believes in him like Devi. He desperately wants to pull her closer, but this is as close as they’re gunna get if she’s with someone else. Instead, Paxton just kisses her forehead and pulls away to look at her face.

“But you’re still a part of it. I want you to be. If you wanna be,” he offers.

Devi nods emphatically.

“I do.”

Paxton nods back.

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

“I’m sorry I panicked and ghosted you.” Devi says sincerely.

“I forgive you. Please don’t do it again, it was really annoying.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

Devi’s smile is small, but honest.

“Great.” Paxton says, just to get her to smile wider. She does.

“Great,” she parrots.

There’s a moment they just look at each other, before someone clatters a fork across the room. They disentangle then, limbs bumping a little awkwardly as Devi scoots away. Paxton doesn’t want her to get too far. Not quite yet. He touches her arm.

“And unblock me too, seriously, what the fuck.”

Devi laughs and then grimaces.

“I told you I panicked.” She sounds rueful. “I thought maybe I’d think about you less if I couldn’t stalk your gram.” She cringes at herself. Paxton shakes his head at her.

“Did you?”

“No,” Devi huffs dramatically. He can’t help but swing his arm around her neck and pull her in for a quick kiss to the side of her head.

“You can have some of my bacon if you gimme a pancake.”

Devi practically beams.

“Oh, bet,” she says, reaching to pull her food in front of her from across the booth.

Paxton drops a couple pieces of bacon onto her plate and Devi transfers a pancake onto his.

For the remainder of breakfast, their thighs press together from hip to knee.

x

The rest of time he’s home Paxton and Devi hang out, but just as friends. Even though he finds out that Devi broke things off with Arm Guy sometime between Christmas and New Year’s.

It’s Fab who texts him this information, when he’s on his way to pick up Devi for Eleanor’s New Year’s Eve party.

Paxton kisses Devi underneath the mistletoe Eleanor kept up for the party, their friends shouting the countdown all around them.

They keep hanging out for the rest of break, but that New Years is the only time they kiss.

Paxton doesn’t mind too much. He doesn’t want to push Devi when he’s just got her back in his life. Kissing Devi was the only way he wanted to start this next year anyway, and he got that.

He’s just grateful they’re done not talking.

x

He’s supposed to go to Mexico for spring break but the girl he’s casually seeing during the spring gives him mono. So, Paxton ends things and has to goes home a week early to recover enough that he won’t have to miss the rest of the semester. He can’t bring himself to complain when Devi takes it upon herself to be his nurse.

She’s definitely using him as a distraction, at least a little, because Devi is also in deep distress over hearing back about her college applications. But she continues to refuse to talk to him about it, even though Paxton knows she’s really just waiting to hear from Princeton.

He’s fine not talking about it, because thinking of Devi being across the country makes his heart hurt.

Fab gets into Stanford. It makes Paxton feel like a shitty friend because he’s excited for her, and for her to be there with him, but he just can’t help but wish it was Devi joining him instead. Or as well.

Devi comes over constantly to take care of him, which mostly means fussing over Paxton and playing video games with him in between feeding him soup. Paxton’s mono is thankfully not that debilitating in the end, but if he plays it up sometimes so he can put his head in Devi’s lap so she plays with his hair, then that’s nobody’s business.

One afternoon they fall asleep on the futon, cuddling while some documentary Devi put on about penguins plays on his TV.

When he wakes up with her in his arms Paxton feels a little sucker punched. It reminds him of the morning she woke up on his chest after they first slept together.

Devi looks up at him through her lashes and he wants to kiss her. And Paxton doesn’t think he’s imagining the look on Devi’s face that says she wants him to, too.

Then his mom’s car pulls into the driveway, making a crunchy sound over the gravel and Paxton knows they’re about three minutes out from his mother bursting in with his medication. So, he lets the moment pass and they both sit up into a less compromising position.

It’s probably a good thing because Paxton is definitely still contagious and if he gave Devi mono he’s one thousand percent certain he would suffer a painful death courtesy of one Nalini Vishwakumar.

x

Devi gets into Princeton. Of course, she does.

Paxton tells her about a zillion times that he’s so proud of her and he’s so happy for her and it only feels the tiniest bit like he’s lying. He is proud. He is happy. For her. For him, not so much. But he keeps that selfishness to himself because Devi is so fucking ecstatic and she deserves that more than anything.

It doesn’t stop him sending her memes shitting on New Jersey though.

x

Paxton lines up a sick internship for the fall semester, so he goes back home for the summer to lifeguard at the local pool and make some money.

Devi invites him to her graduation party. Trent begs Paxton to let him crash so he can see Eleanor because the last time Trent saw Eleanor she dumped a slushie down his pants and he’s still in love with her because of it.

Paxton doesn’t even bother to ask more about this, he just says yes and makes sure to keep an eye on Trent during the party. But this means he completely misses the moment where Devi goes from happy party drunk to ready to start a fight with an ice sculpture of Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate drunk.

Yeah, the party is at Ben Gross’s house. Where else, really?

He ends up having to corral Devi away from the ice sculpture and the stuck-up Harvard bound kid she was simultaneously arguing with about Affirmative Action, with Trent’s help. Which means they literally just pick Devi up by her arms and legs and carry her out to the driveway. Devi is just about ready to let Paxton have it, he can see it in the way her eyes are sparking, when Fab and Eleanor run out after them, yelling about pancakes. Devi’s anger is diverted, and Paxton is only a tiny bit disappointed, because he gets a kick out of angry Devi, but Drunk Angry Devi is usually even more hilarious.

But it’s probably a good thing she calms down at the mention of carbs and syrup.

They accidentally lead a mass exodus from the party to Denny’s and Paxton finds himself crammed in the corner of a booth which also holds Devi, Trent, Eleanor, Fab, Eve, Aneesa, Jonah, and Ben, for some reason.

“Dude, wasn’t that your house?” Trent asks him.

Ben shrugs.

“Eve said you guys were getting waffles.”

It makes enough sense. Especially at 1:37 am.

Devi basically drapes herself over Paxton’s lap the whole time they’re at Denny’s. She drunkenly feeds him bits of her pancake and he tries to get her to drink more coffee. They both just end up covered in syrup.

It’s a really good night.

x

Devi goes to India with her family for two weeks after graduation and so Paxton goes on one date. Mostly to kill time because the time difference between he and Devi sucks.

The morning of what is supposed to be the second date, Paxton wakes up to find Devi has whatsapped him sometime in the night. Telling him it sure would be awesome if he picked them up from the airport. Obviously, he does. Paxton even borrows his dad’s car instead of the jeep, so all Vishwakumar women will be comfortable.

Also, Devi won’t admit it, but Paxton is sure Nalini hates his jeep.

x

Paxton and Devi have sex on the Fourth of July. They chalk it up to the humidity and the fireworks, but then they don’t stop hooking up well into August.

Devi calls him crying on a sweltering evening three days before they both leave for school, because she misses her dad, and she can’t believe he’s not going to see her go to Princeton. Paxton helps her sneak out of her bedroom window and then they drive around all night with the windows down, while Devi tells him all about her dad.

When Paxton drops Devi back home, they have a moment that reminds him, suddenly and painfully, of this time last year. When he was leaving for college, and she was staying, and they had decided not to be together anymore. He looks up at her bedroom from where he stands on the street and there she is. Half hanging out the window, the slow rising sun soft on her face. The light is catching the dried tears on her cheeks and the wetness still in her eyes. Devi still smiles when she waves at him.

I love you Paxton suddenly wants to say, just like he did last year.

But he just smiles and waves back.

x

Devi is flying out East before Paxton goes back to school and he’s really not sure how she manages it, but Devi gets her mom to agree to let Paxton drive them all to the airport. He wonders if maybe earlier this summer was a trial run and Devi just didn’t tell him about it. He learns on the day that Devi’s mom has only agreed because Devi told her Paxton would pay for the gas. Which. Whatever. Thankfully, Kamala and Nirmala both are coming too, which means Paxton won’t be left alone with Devi’s mom for the ride back to Sherman Oaks.

Devi’s family is kind enough to let Paxton and Devi hang by the airport entrance while they wait in line to check Devi in. Or really, Devi throws an extremely plaintive look at her cousin and Pati, and they forcefully pull Nalini over to the gift shop to buy Devi a neck pillow before they go wait in line. Kamala sends Paxton a wink and it makes him feel a tiny bit better.

But it doesn’t last long because he still has to say goodbye to Devi and saying goodbye to Devi really fucking sucks.

She bites her lip nervously before throwing her arms around his neck and basically flopping against him.

“Tell me it’s gunna be ok just one more time.”

Paxton wraps his arms around her tightly and kisses her head.

“It’s gunna be more than ok. You’re gunna kick ass. I can’t wait to hear about it.”

Devi nods against him and takes a deep breath. She squeezes him a little tighter right when he expects her to let go, and Paxton swallows the lump that forms in his throat. He casts his gaze onto where Devi’s family is in line, to both see how much more time he has with her and to stop from tearing up. Devi’s family are talking, but he sees Nalini turn back and give them a look. Well, really, she just looks at Devi. And it hurts a little to see her expression because Paxton is sure he’s got a very similar one.

“You should probably go to your family,” he breathes out reluctantly. Devi nods into his chest again before she pulls away and looks up at him.

Her eyes are glassy. He pushes some of her hair behind her ear. She’s wearing earrings he knows her dad got her when she started high school.

“I bet your dad is really proud of you Devi.” Paxton says seriously.

Devi’s lip quivers and then she laughs and sniffles.

“Why would you say that when I’m basically already crying bro?”

He shakes his head at her and leans down to hug her again. When he pulls away Devi cups his jaw and stretches onto her tip toes to kiss him.

Paxton knows he should care that her mom is definitely watching them. But he doesn’t care at all.

Well, he cares a little, because he does have to drive Nalini home.

But he still kisses Devi back enthusiastically. He just doesn’t shove his hands up under the hoodie she’s wearing so he can touch her skin. And Paxton feels he should especially get props for this, because it’s his hoodie Devi is wearing. Well, stealing now, to cart over to New Jersey.

They break apart and Devi takes another deep breath and nods decisively.

“Ok, I’m going now.”

“Ok,”

“I’m doing it.”

She stays in his arms. Paxton tries not to laugh. He tries not to cry.

“Devi,”

“No, no, no! I’m doing it ok!? I’m going just…”

I love you Paxton wants to say. Because she’s being ridiculous and it’s just…it’s true. It’s been a year since he’s said it to her but it’s still true.

“Ok. I’m really going now. I’m doing it.” Devi says seriously. Paxton nods back gravely.

“Yup.”

Devi frowns at him.

“You don’t believe me,”

Paxton does laugh. He takes his chances and slips one hand up under Devi’s hoodie to squeeze her side. She jumps.

“I believe that your mom is gunna carry you onto the plane if you don’t go join them at check in right now.”

“Shit. You’re probably right.” Devi starts, looking behind them guiltily. She looks back at Paxton and he takes a deep breath.

This is it. Here we go.

Before Devi can open her mouth to say anything that sounds like goodbye Paxton speaks.

“Call me when you land?”

Devi smiles and reaches to touch his cheek. Paxton grabs her wrist to keep her touch on his face. Her smile gets even softer at this.

“Yeah.”

They just look at each other before Devi’s smile grows mischievous.

“I’m gunna need a play by play of your ride home.”

Paxton groans.

“Don’t remind me, I’m just glad you had me clean out my dad’s car last week.”

Devi laughs and kisses him again, affectionate and sweet.

“I’ll call you. You’ll be great.”

“You’ll be great.” He tells her seriously. Devi pressed her lips together and nods.

They slowly disentangle and finally she turns to go join her family where they’re almost at the front of the line.

Paxton watches for a minute before realizing it’s not going to make him feel any better to watch Devi walk away and say goodbye to her family. So, he gets out his phone to text Kamala that he’ll be waiting for them in the parking lot, and she can give him a call when they need to be picked up.

When he does drive to the terminal entrance to pick them up, it’s only Kamala and Nirmala getting into the car.

It’s admittedly a much better ride home than Paxton was expecting, because they tell him that it turns out Devi had become so used to tuning out her mother when Nalini spoke about Devi leaving for college that she didn’t realize Nalini was actually flying out with her to help her settle into Princeton. And that she’d be there in Jersey, with Devi, for a whole week.

Apparently, Devi had full on ripped off the chained pen on the check-in desk, when she’d lost the window seat to her mother.

Both Devi’s cousin and grandmother basically have him in hysterics about this, and various other Devi antics the whole ride home.

When Paxton asks her laughingly how it was saying goodbye to her mother on the phone that night, Devi straight up hangs up on him.

He goes to bed smiling.

x

After her orientation week, Devi and Paxton don’t text too much. He figures it’s probably a good thing because it means she’s trying to actually settle in at school. A couple weeks in they start talking more regularly again. She tells him about how she and her new friends spent a three-day weekend in New York City, and how she likes her classes, and how her mom and Pati and Kamala are doing back home.

During the time Devi wasn’t texting him as much, Paxton had started seeing his old TA Emily, after she messaged him on Instagram. It’s fun and very casual and he likes that Emily doesn’t care that his schedule is packed with school, his internship, and swimming.

About two weeks before Thanksgiving break, Emily asks Paxton if he wants more out of their relationship. He freezes, wonders how best to say that honestly, he doesn’t, and instead asks if she does. He didn’t date Devi for as long as he did not to learn the art of the classic misdirect.

Thankfully, Emily smiles at him ruefully and says that actually she likes that they are so casual, she just wanted to see if he was ok with her dating other people too. Paxton is so relieved he doesn’t have to be the bad guy that he just agrees. Later, when he thinks about it, he finds that it is still true. He is cool with Emily dating other people.

you’re coming home for thxgiving break right? Devi texts him.

why didnt u just write thanksgiving? wtf is thxgiving

excuse tf outta me. you use u instead of you

it’s two more letters!!!!

anyway are tou?

you*

fuck

yeah def Paxton replies, smiling way too hard at his phone.

Definitely cool.

It’s funny because when he was with Devi, he wanted to barf when he thought about the two times she’d been with Ben Gross. No offense to Ben Gross. Well maybe a tiny bit of offense. Plus, Paxton had been jealous when he only thought Devi was getting back together with Gross again. Also, he still kinda wants to kick Arm Guy in the nads. But whatever.

The point is, he isn’t jealous now. About Emily. It’s all good.

x

Nothing happens between he and Devi over the break. Devi asks Paxton if he’s seeing the girl who keeps tagging him in her stories, and he doesn’t want to lie so he says yes.

“But it’s not serious,” he adds. Devi grins.

“Paxton, that’s great!”

It confuses him. But it’s Devi and she often confuses Paxton.

“It is?” He asks doubtfully, and she nods.

“Yeah! That’s part of what college is for right? Meeting people, having fun?!” Devi wiggles her eyebrows at him but Paxton’s stomach drops.

Are you having fun? He wants to ask. But he knows that’s not fair. Because he wants her to say no but he also wants her to say yes. Devi deserves to experience all the things she wants.

So, he just grins, shrugs, and says “guess so.”

Devi beams at him.

x

Paxton doesn’t try to make any moves on Devi after that oh so pleasant chat. But he spends the whole Saturday after Thanksgiving thinking of Devi and how this time last year, they had sex for the first time. It doesn’t help that they make plans to hang out that night.

He picks her up to go see a movie and wonders if she chose her particularly short skirt on purpose.

They see some science fiction thriller and during the exposition scenes Paxton finds his mind drifting. It doesn’t drift much further than to the chair beside him, where Devi is positively inhaling the bucket of popcorn they bought to share.

“If you don’t slow down, you’re gunna choke.” Paxton leans over to murmur into her ear. She’s wearing the perfume he got her. Devi huffs.

“That’s what he said.”

Paxton pulls back, making a face.

“Gross, Devi.”

Devi smirks and offers him some popcorn.

The way the movie lights up the side of her face kinda makes him ache. Paxton reaches for the popcorn and Devi pulls her hand away. He cocks a brow at her and she raises one right back. Paxton shifts to lean forward instead, so Devi can feed him the popcorn in her hand.

Her fingertips brush across his mouth and Paxton feels electrified. Devi’s chest is rising and falling like she’s suddenly breathing a little harder. An alien on screen suddenly makes a disgusting squelching sound and they both jump and turn back to the movie.

After a few moments Devi goes back to stuffing her face with popcorn. Paxton snorts at her to cover up the fact that he can’t keep his eyes off her legs when she recrosses them.

Devi puts a hand on his arm and leans in to whisper in his ear.

“Relax, I don’t choke easy,” she smells buttery, and it shouldn’t be such a turn on. But it is.

“Yeah, I know,” Paxton says without thinking, without even looking at her. Devi freezes and he freezes and then they both watch the movie without really watching. Waiting to see what the other will do.

Finally, Devi sits back in her seat, but she slides her hand down Paxton’s arm and into his hand. He immediately laces their fingers together. Devi gives his hand a squeeze and they watch the rest of the movie like this.

Nothing happens beyond that, but they don’t stop holding hands the rest of the night.

x

Paxton breaks up with Emily before Christmas break. It just isn’t working for him anymore and he wants to focus on acing his finals. He thinks Devi would be both appalled and proud, scholastic and horny as she is in equal measure. When he tells her, she is.

And she tells him that she too is “single as a Pringle” this Christmas.

“Oh yeah?” Paxton lifts a brow at her through the screen of his laptop where Devi is on Facetime. She grins and it’s definitely flirty.

“Yup.”

“Interesting,” Paxton says musingly. Devi’s flirty smile grows a little more devilish.

“I know.”

“I like Pringles,” he bats his lashes innocently.

Devi snorts, “no you don’t, you think it’s weird they’re so thin.”

“Ok true,” Paxton allows, and Devi’s expression is triumphant.

“But I like you,” Paxton adds. Devi looks pleasantly surprised by this sudden sweetness.

“I know that too,” she finally says, her smile soft.

x

He and Devi try valiantly to pretend that nothing is going to happen between them when they’re both home.

For about three days.

But then they end up having sex in the backseat of Paxton’s car in Ben Gross’s driveway in the middle of Gross’s now annual Christmas Eve Eve party.

They realize soon after that that they’re too drunk to go home, their friends have ditched them, and Trent has definitely stolen Paxton’s keys. In Trent’s defense, Paxton had shaved off one of Trent’s eyebrows in boredom before he and Devi finally began hooking up.

Anyway, all of this means they inexplicably stay the night in one of Ben’s many guest rooms. Paxton still isn’t entirely sure how that happens, but he blames Devi because she and Ben’s new boyfriend are obsessed with each other.

To say it’s an awkward morning after would be a massive understatement.

x

Devi gets selected for some research assistant gig that involves her traveling for her spring break. She sends Paxton a really hot bikini pic that he makes his lockscreen.

That is, until he goes out one night and someone asks if that’s his girlfriend and Paxton realizes he has to change it because it’s creepy if he says no.

Because no, she’s not his girlfriend.

x

Paxton has to stay up by Stanford for the first half of the summer for a swim conference and Devi has to fly back to Princeton a month early for some prerequisite intensive before her lab course.

Paxton fools around with one of the assistant coaches from another school for about two weeks during the conference, but when she wants to make it official, he calls it off. He’s going home for the rest of the summer. It doesn’t make sense to him to keep things going.

Paxton and Devi have just three weeks together that summer. He and Trent and one of Trent’s new YouTube friends rent out a small beach house for a week and they invite the girls. Paxton and Fabiola have partied together a bit and hung out besides, now she’s at Stanford, Trent and Eleanor are remarkably friendly exes, and Fab has been working with Trent on a YouTube series starring a robot she’s been designing at school. It makes Paxton’s stomach squirm pleasantly, the ways in which his and Devi’s lives have intertwined and have yet to separate.

Devi shares his bed at the beach house and then they alternate sneaking between his bedroom and hers when they’re back in Sherman Oaks. They don’t talk about it, but they are together in those three weeks the way they used to be in high school. It doesn’t feel like they’re friends who hook up, it doesn’t feel like they’re friendly exes, it feels like they’re a couple again. They go out on dates, and they cuddle, and she has meals with his family. Paxton knows he likes it way too much.

But then Devi leaves for Princeton early and Paxton has to deal with a heavy feeling in his stomach because he knows that he’s not going to see her for months.

x

Paxton actually heads back to Stanford early too, because he’s moving off campus with his freshmen roommate turned best friend Aki and they need to apartment hunt.

They find a decent spot near school and moving in is mostly painless. His mom even drives up for a couple days to bring him some more of his stuff and help him unpack. Paxton tries not to be too thrilled at how much Devi vocally approves of the way he sets up his room when he Facetime’s her from it.

He and Devi are talking a lot more consistently now than they did her freshman year. Paxton can’t help but wonder (hope) if maybe something changed for her this summer. Maybe Devi was reconsidering her stance on long distance. They don’t feel nearly as far apart as he knows she thought they would.

Then Devi posts an Instagram pic with a guy holding her hand. Then she’s texting him about how she’s actually dating someone for real and Paxton realizes bitterly that nothing has changed. And maybe he needs to stop hoping it will.

We’re still broken up he hears Devi say in his head, exactly like she did that first long weekend he came home.

We’re still broken up, Paxton’s starts having to repeat to himself, every time Devi’s name lights up his phone. It doesn’t stop him from answering her. Every time.

There’s a cute barista at the coffee shop by his apartment and she obviously has a crush on him from the doodles she leaves on his cup. So, Paxton asks her out.

Her name is Jia, and she has pretty dark eyes that remind him of Devi, but she also has a septum piercing and she’s raising her six-year-old brother with the help of her uncle.

It’s nice. She’s nice and she’s funny and she’s ballsy and Paxton really likes spending time with Jia’s brother.

He can’t make it home for Thanksgiving that year, because he has a seriously nauseating amount of work to catch up on. Paxton forgot how being a boyfriend, even a not-so-serious one, could take up so much of your time.

Rebecca and her new boyfriend fly up to spend the weekend with Paxton so he’s still with family for the holidays. She tells him Devi didn’t come home for Thanksgiving either. Paxton doesn’t tell his sister that he already knows that, because when Jia asks, ‘Who’s Devi?’ Rebecca gives him one of her patented oh no, you are a douche looks.

So, there’s no way Paxton can bring himself to tell Rebecca that he talks to Devi almost every single day and basically every single night before he goes to bed.

But the look on Rebecca’s face stays with him. So, Paxton ends things with Jia before he goes home for Christmas break.

x

Devi picks him up at the airport.

She has a dumb, and huge, sign that says H-I PAXTON H-Y.

He approaches her incredulously.

“Devi, what are you doing here?”

“Surprise!” Devi is beaming and bouncing on her toes.

It’s incredibly distracting that she is so happy to see him. Paxton doesn’t quite know where to look first. This has been possibly the longest amount of time he’s gone without seeing her in person since he went to college. She lowers the sign, and he steps closer to her.

Paxton wants to grab her, he wants to hug her, he wants to kiss the living daylights out of her. But Devi may still have a boyfriend, despite not having mentioned or posted about him recently, and also the sign she’s now holding between them is truly enormous. And glittery.

“I thought you weren’t allowed to drive on the highway?” He asks blankly, since he can’t pull her towards him. Devi’s eyes get a devilish glint.

“I stole my mom’s car!” She looks positively delighted with herself. Paxton does a double take.

“What?”

“I stole her car so I could pick you up! Your mom gave me your flight details! She thought it was really cute I wanted to surprise you. She doesn’t know I stole the car. Becca helped me with the sign!”

That explained all the glitter.

“Devi!” Paxton can’t move past the grand theft auto.

Devi stifles a laugh. He knows it’s probably because he’s gaping at her like a fish.

“What?” Devi widens her eyes innocently.

“Devi!” Paxton just says again. Devi rolls her eyes and moves her sign into one hand so she can wrap herself around his arm and pull him towards wherever she’s parked her stolen car.

“Chill! I’m on the Dean’s List again this semester, it’s fine! It’ll be totally fine. I’m sure.”

It’s not totally fine.

Devi’s mom grounds her and says she can’t leave the house until New Years. Thinking about not seeing Devi for almost two weeks when they’re in the same town has Paxton practically bursting out of his skin. And Paxton’s not sure where she stands with the whole having a boyfriend thing, so he doesn’t feel like he can sneak into her bedroom in the middle of the night while she’s grounded. 

Devi clearly has no qualms about this though. The night after Christmas Paxton wakes up from where he fell asleep on the futon to Devi, looking devious, and crouching before him in her pjs with hella leaves in her hair. 

“Devi what the fuck happened to you?” Paxton blinks the sleep out of his eyes, sitting up and looking at Devi as she straightens to standing. 

“What are you talking about?” Devi asks blithely, shaking out her hair. A couple leaves land in Paxton’s lap. He picks one up and holds it up to her.

“Did you lose a fight with a bush?” He’s looking at her the way he always does when he finds her particularly amusing and perplexing. Devi’s eyes warm at the familiar expression and she purses her lips playfully.

“Hmmpff. So rude.” Devi clicks her tongue and adjusts her pajama top, puffing her chest out. “Obviously I would win against a bush.”

Paxton’s eyes immediately zero in on her suddenly exposed cleavage. Oh, she’s being a tease. She did that on purpose. Devi smirks at how she’s obviously played him and then adopts an unbothered expression.

“If you’re just gonna insult me I’m going home,” she says primly, and she starts to turn.

“Noooo,” Paxton whines, reaching for her wrist.

Paxton’s sleepy and Devi is half dressed in his garage in the middle of the night. He is fairly confident her boyfriend is a thing of the past. She smiles when he grabs for her, so Paxton takes a chance and pulls her closer. Devi falls gracelessly into him, laughing as she takes a second, and then she settles in his lap with the ease that comes with years of practice. Her thighs splay open on either side of his hips. Oh yeah. She was definitely not still dating someone else.

Her arms rest on his shoulders and Paxton slides his hands along Devi’s hips where her shirt rides up. He’s missed how soft her skin feels under his touch. He hasn’t touched her like this since July. He hasn’t stopped thinking about it since July either. He’s still groggy and Devi is backlit from the TV behind her. It feels a little like a dream, her in his lap, beginning to play with his hair.

“You make climbing out of my window look a lot easier than it is,” Devi says thoughtfully, her eyes running up and down his face. His heart is starting to race. They’re so close and touching so much.

“You know climbing back in’s even worse.” Paxton’s eyes are glued to Devi’s mouth. It curves upwards as she snorts.

“Fuck that noise, I’ll just harass Kamala to sneak me in in the morning.”

Paxton’s heart lifts and start racing even faster. He gives Devi a half smile, trying to keep his cool.

“In the morning huh?” He cocks a brow at her in the way he knows turns her on, when he’s being cocky because he knows what she wants.

Devi nods. “Yup.”

Her hands slide down to either side of his neck and Paxton knows he screwed now, because she can definitely feel his pulse pounding erratically.

“So…you’re staying?” Paxton asks slyly, shifting up to brush his nose against hers softly.

Devi narrows her eyes at his teasing and grinds down into his obvious, and growing, hard on. Paxton lets out a helpless groan and grips her hips tightly, desperate to keep her that close. Devi grins. She leans in until their lips brush and his breath catches. God, he still wants her so much, always.

“Oh yeah,” Devi says decisively. 

x

Devi defies her mother again and drives him to airport. Her logic is that she’s leaving for Princeton in two days so it’s not like Nalini can really do much to her.

Paxton feels like he might die, both because Devi’s actually a terrifying driver, but also because he’s not sure how he’s going to keep surviving this. He keeps having to say goodbye to Devi like this. Always wondering if the last time he kisses her is going to be the last time.

When they say goodbye outside the terminal Paxton thinks maybe Devi feels his desperation, because she holds him just as tightly as he holds her. They kiss for a long time.

He almost can’t look at her when they separate, but it honestly hurts just as much when he doesn’t. So, Paxton stares at Devi, wrapped up in one of his flannels she’d stolen, and he drinks her in.

Devi runs her hand over his heart and stays quiet, letting him have his fill. Paxton’s whole body aches because he knows he’ll never have his fill of her.

If nothing else, the amount of sex they’ve had this break should be proof enough of that.

He holds her hand until the last second he has to let go. And he walks backwards into the airport entrance just so he can stare at her a little longer.

So, it’s a little dramatic, so what?

x

It just hurts. Missing Devi hurts like a bitch and Paxton sulks in his room for days when he gets back to Stanford.

They still talk all the time, and he can’t stop thinking about her. He returns Jia’s stuff to her and it’s awkward, but he’s still thinking about Devi.

At the end of the day, he’s always thinking about Devi.

x

The night before his spring break begins Devi calls Paxton.

He’s in the middle of packing, because his roommate’s girlfriend’s girl friend has invited him on a road trip with a couple mutual friends.

“Hey, I should bring sunscreen, right? I shouldn’t just trust everyone is bringing some?” Paxton says as soon as he picks up.

Devi knows he’s packing because he’d sent her a picture of one of her socks that he’d somehow acquired and accidentally flown to Stanford with him like twenty minutes ago.

Over the phone there’s silence. Paxton frowns.

“Devi?”

“My Pati fell and broke her hip in the shower.” Devi says abruptly.

“What?!” Paxton drops his socks. “Oh my God is she ok?”

“No, she fell and she broke her fucking hip in the shower Paxton!” Devi repeats, her tone suddenly colored with anger. Oh boy.

“Devi,” Paxton tries, but she rants over him.

“And she’s so old!! She cannot be out here breaking hips!! You think that’s gunna go well when she’s practically a dinosaur!?”

“Devi,” Paxton tries again, but it’s no use.

“My mom is freaking out and she’s all alone because Kamala is on her honeymoon and I’m fucking stuck across the country-“

“Devi.”

“And I can’t even come back for the weekend or even a day this weekend because I have a meeting with my advisor Saturday, and I’ve got a proposal due at the end of break and my lab is here and I-“

Devi’s voice gets higher and higher and Paxton knows she’s about five seconds away from rage attacking whatever object happens to be closest to her in this moment. And she had called him not Facetime’d him, so he can only hear her voice and has no clue where she is. 

“Devi, do you want me to go check in on your mom?” Paxton finally cuts in loudly.

“Yes,” she says immediately, with a dry sob.

“Ok,” Paxton answers, voice firm.

There’s a pause as Devi registers what he just said.

“Wait, what?! I mean no, Paxton,” she stutters, “it’s your spring break.”

He wonders if she has his dates memorized like he does with hers.

“You don’t have to do that,” Devi is saying. 

“I know.”

“Ok…good.” Devi sounds strange and Paxton knows it’s because she got what she wanted but it isn’t what she wants. 

So, he adds on, “but I’m offering, and I want to.” 

Devi is silent.

“Devi?” He sits down on his bed slowly, almost as if he was having this conversation with Devi in person, and he had to be careful not to get too close and spook her. She could be like that when she felt vulnerable. Like a wild animal.

“If you’re uncomfortable with it I won’t, but I wanna do this for you,” Paxton continues seriously. 

Still, Devi is silent. Paxton frowns.

“Devi?”

Finally, on the line Devi takes a shuddering breath.

“I just don’t want her to be alone.” Her voice is wavering, she’s definitely close to tears.

“I know,” Paxton says as gently as possible, while pulling out his laptop to look at flights.

“Let me help you,” he adds softly. 

He has a standing alert for flights home anyway.

Devi makes a sound like a hurt animal. He wants her in his arms so badly.

“But she’s not even nice to you,” Devi says, starting to sniffle. Paxton chuckles lowly, remembering how Devi once told him she liked the sound of it.

“So?”

Devi laughs weakly, then falls silent again.

After a moment she says, “you really don’t have to do this,” nervously. But Paxton can hear the desperate hope in her voice too.

“I’m already booking the ticket.”

Finally, Devi starts to cry.

“Hey, baby, hey, it’s gunna be ok,” the pet name comes naturally, he can’t even pretend to think twice about it, because Devi is crying goddammit, and it’s the worst.

“I’m right here, ok?” Paxton hushes her soothingly.

“I wish you were,” Devi sobs and his heart feels pulled in two.

One part is here in California and the other is being yanked across the country to Princeton, where Devi is crying somewhere Paxton can’t hold her.

“I do too,” he says quietly, and Paxton knows he’s just here to comfort Devi, but fuck if he doesn’t mean it will all his heart.

“Well actually if I’m wishing for things, I wish I could go with you. Or that I could apparate. Or that Pati never fell in the first place. I’d still wanna apparate though.” Devi warbles, rambling the way she does when she gets uncomfortable. She didn’t like crying over the phone, even if it was to him. Paxton chuckles again, just to comfort her and lift the mood.

“Those are some sick wishes.”

“Yeah,” Devi hiccups.

“I’d like if you could apparate,” Paxton adds, hoping the longing in his voice isn’t going to be too much for her right now.

“Yeah,” Devi sighs sadly. 

They’re quiet for a moment.

“…Are you really booking a ticket?”

Devi sounds almost childlike when she asks, like she can’t believe he would do this. She can’t see him but Paxton nods.

I would do anything for you Paxton remembers telling her voicemail, drunk on Halloween his freshman year of college. He’s going to be a senior in the fall. It’s still as true now as it was then as it’s been for so long.

“Just got the confirmation email,” he checks his inbox twice, just to be certain. But his ticket is there.

Devi makes another pained sound.

“I can’t believe you.”

“I’ll take a selfie with your mom, and then you’ll believe me.”

She lets out a watery laugh. I would do anything for you Paxton thinks again, desperately.

“Now that I would pay to see.”

x

Paxton sends Devi a request on Venmo for two bucks in exchange for the admittedly hilarious selfie he takes with her extremely disgruntled mother. 

Devi sends him the money with a red heart in the payment summary box.

He buys himself a cup of coffee with her money and sends her another selfie of him drinking it.

you are actually such a dork, i’m telling everyone Devi responds.

Then she sends another heart.

x

After spending his spring break with his ex-girlfriends’ mother and convalescing grandmother, Paxton stops pretending he can date other people.

The annoying thing is he doesn’t even do it because he wants to, really, he does it because of Trent.

“You realize you always break up with girls like right before you know you’re gunna see Devi, right?” Trent asks Paxton on one of his last nights home, while they play PlayStation.

Paxton pauses the game. “What are you talking about?”

“You heard me bro.”

Paxton puts down the controller to take a sip of his soda. “I don’t always-“

“I will literally give you the entire eighth I just scored if you can tell me about a breakup you’ve had in the last three years that didn’t happen right before you were coming home.” Trent challenges.

Paxton considers this. Then he considers it some more. Then Trent leans forward and flicks him on the forehead.

“Ow! What the hell?” Paxton swats Trent’s hand away. Trent sits back in a huff.

“What are you doing man?” Trent demands, exasperated.

“I was thinking!” Paxton snaps. Trent rolls his eyes dramatically. It reminds Paxton of Eleanor for a moment.

“I mean about Devi!” Trent exclaims.

“What about her?” Paxton puts his soda back down on the table with a loud clunk. Trent throws his hands up.

“Are you fucking serious!? You blew off a hot co-ed road trip to come hang out with her mom.”

“It’s not like I had a choice!” Paxton says defensively.

“Dude. You definitely did.”

He didn’t though. It’s Devi. There isn’t anything Paxton wouldn’t do to get her to stop crying or feeling scared. He looks at Trent and says nothing. Trent gives a deep sigh. Paxton gets the feeling maybe Trent has wanted to bring up whatever it is Paxton has with Devi for quite some time.

“C’mon Pax. You’re not even trying to move on. And you guys broke up like three years ago.”

“That’s not that long ago,” Paxton defends weakly.

“Dude.” Trent’s look is pitying, and Paxton hates it.

“I know ok!” Paxton bursts out angrily. “Trust me, I get how it looks! But I’m trying and I…I can’t! And she doesn’t-“

We’re not getting back together he hears Devi say again. The way he always does when he thinks about them for too long. We’re still broken up.

Trent’s expression becomes more sympathetic.

“You don’t think maybe you should ask her again how she really feels?”

“I know how she feels.” Paxton says roughly.

Trent looks skeptical. “Really?”

“Yeah. She didn’t want us to feel tied down to each other when we were gunna be apart most of the year. She doesn’t wanna be together anymore.”

Trent scoffs. “You don’t think everyone knows you guys act like you never broke up every time you’re both back in town?”

Paxton winces. “Everyone?”

Trent nods. “Everyone. It’s obvious. You guys are not subtle.”

Paxton groans and looks up at ceiling. Fuck.

“You think her mom knows?”

Trent looks at him like he’s just said something completely ridiculous. It stings a little extra ‘cuz you know…It’s Trent. Paxton watched him chase two pot brownies with a full thirty seconds worth of whip cream sprayed directly into his mouth not two hours ago.

“Bro, if her mom didn’t think something was still going on with you guys before, she definitely does now.”

Paxton grimaces. That was fair. And Nalini, aside from being grateful to him in her usual prickly way, had also been giving him a lot of considering looks whenever he’d drop by with groceries or let her know he’d filled her car with gas.

And she’d mostly called him by his name or Mr. Cheekbones, which was one of her least harmful names for him.

He scrubs his hands over his face.

“It doesn’t matter. Devi made it very clear how she felt about long distance.” Paxton tries not to scowl. “Like I still have those statistics memorized.”

Trent pats his shoulder.

“I know Nemo, but that was a long time ago. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if things had seriously changed for her. I mean, you did laundry for her mom.”

Paxton just shrugs mulishly. Trent sighs and reaches to hit play on their game.

“Well, I still think you guys should at least talk about what the fuck you’re doing. Because you are definitely not really trying to date other people. Devi should know you’re on the hook for her.”

“That’s not her fault though,” Paxton defends. 

“Yeah, but she can do something about it. If she wants to. Which is what it looks like to me.”

Paxton stares at Trent a moment longer before Trent blows up Paxton’s avatar on screen. He dives for Trent’s controller and then they start wrestling and don’t stop until Rebecca comes in to make sure they aren’t killing each other. They don’t talk about Devi again.

Paxton is glad. Because he and Devi don’t talk about this. About them. About what they are and how they feel about each other. Not for real. And he doesn’t want to believe Trent’s words. Well, that’s not really true.

Paxton wants to believe that what Trent said about Devi still wanting to be with him is true, but he’s gotten his hopes up about this, about Devi, too many times before.

x

So, Paxton goes back to school and stops pretending to be interested in dating other people. Summer’s a month and a half away and he’d just wind up ending the relationship because he was going home to his ex-girlfriend/ past, current, and likely forever love of his life.

He and Devi are more in contact than ever. They had Facetime’d every day for a couple hours when he was at her house or over at the hospital with her mom. They keep doing it even once he’s back at school. Sometimes they study together on the phone and on the weekends they watch a movie at the same time. He misses her so acutely it’s like a slice of his chest is walking around across the country in fucking New Jersey.

They fall asleep together on the phone and the way she sounds when she wakes up kinda makes Paxton want to cry because he’s only ever really gotten Devi in the morning when he has to sneak out of her house or her out of his, or through the phone, and he just wants her to be with him.

x

Paxton’s folding his laundry on Facetime with her one evening when she starts talking about his school. Devi asks about how he likes Stanford now he’s almost done his second to last year. She asks if he’s glad this is where he ended up going and he answers honesty. He is.

“I mean, swimming’s great, and the school is obviously great and it’s like, really nice to be close but not too close to my family.”

“Close but not too close?” Devi repeats, amused.

He grins. She’s wearing one of his hoodies as she studies in bed. He can see the smear of chocolate she got on the sleeve from the bag of mini-Mars bars she’s been steadily munching through.

“My roommate sophomore year had parents that would come see them like, every weekend.” Paxton grimaces. “They were too close.”

“You sure the mom didn’t just have the hots for you?” Devi teases. Paxton scoffs.

“They were a lesbian couple Devi.”

“Still! Even Fab has said the gays are not immune to that face of yours.” Devi giggles and he stops his folding momentarily to just stare at her, amused. She obviously took a shower recently because her hair is still soaked and leaving wet marks across her chest. He wonders for a moment if she’s wearing anything underneath his hoodie. Oh god.

Paxton shakes his head and starts folding his laundry again.

“Anyways,” he says emphatically, “with my family back in Sherman Oaks I have some space, but if anything happens, I can be there in a couple hours.”

“Yeah, that is really nice,” Devi says thoughtfully, and Paxton knows she’s thinking of how he flew home for her mother just a few weeks ago.

He nods, “it is.”

Devi looks deep in thought now and he wants to ask what’s on her mind.

“I like those,” she says, suddenly changing the subject. She’s gesturing to the boxers in Paxton’s hands.

They’re dark red with black polka dots. She got them for him as a gag gift the Christmas before last because of some stupid inside joke they’d had about lady bugs that summer. Paxton smirks at her.

“I know you do.”

“What?” Devi bats her lashes innocently, “You look good in them.” She bites her lip to hold back a smile and really, that’s not fair. Paxton isn’t in control of his mouth when she makes that face.

“I look good out of them too,” is what he ends up blurting out.

Thankfully, Devi was clearly hoping for that response. Her eyebrow quirks.

“Oh yeah?” She asks slyly.

Oh.

Yeah.

x

He flies back home in May. Devi picks him up from the airport and Paxton wonders if this is going to become their thing.

He’s not sure how to feel about it.

He’s even more unsure when, instead of driving them home, Devi drives them to the beach.

“What are we doing here?” Paxton asks slowly as they pull into an almost empty parking lot overlooking the beach. Devi gives him a strange smile and starts to get out of the car.

“Devi?” Paxton asks as he follows her out. She comes around the lean against the hood of the car. He stands in front of her, feeling fidgety.

“So, I have to tell you something,” Devi begins, biting her lip anxiously. Paxton immediately panics and loses control of his mouth. 

“Your mom knows you took the car this time, right?” He looks around, suddenly paranoid. “We’re not running from the cops?”

Devi huffs and crosses her arms. “No, I’m not Bonnie and Clyde-ing you.”

Paxton shifts from foot to foot. “That’s not a thing.”

“Paxton,” Devi says, amused and equally exasperated.

But he can’t help it. He’s jittery. Devi’s been a little cagey the last few weeks. Paxton has no clue what she’s thinking. And he doesn’t know what to expect. It’s Devi.

In his wildest nightmares she’s running off and eloping with one of her professors before they like, go save the world in Africa or something.

Paxton takes a breath and hesitantly comes to lean against the hood next to her. Devi gives him that strangely nervous look again and then turns to look out at the ocean and starts talking. He definitely doesn’t expect what she ends up saying. He’s shocked silent as she explains herself.

The only thing Paxton can finally say is, “you’re transferring.”

“Yup.” Devi pops the ‘p’ sound and keeps her eyes on the crashing waves in front of them. Paxton stares hard at the side of her face.

“To Stanford.” Look at me, he thinks at her. Devi doesn’t. But she nods.

“Yeah. It’s still an Ivy so Mom’s not gunna disown me for ditching Princeton and I can be closer to home to give her a little more support with Pati and-“

“You’re transferring to Stanford.” Paxton says again, slightly louder. Devi bites her lip.

“Mmhm.”

“Ok…ok…” He can’t sit there while Devi doesn’t meet his eye, so he pushes off the hood to start to pace in front of the car. Finally, Devi speaks again.

“Paxton? You’re happy about this right?” She leans a little to try to catch his gaze.

Paxton swings around to a stop and stands in front of Devi, staring incredulously.

“Am I-? Devi, are you serious?”

Devi shrugs self-consciously. “I mean…”

How can she still not know?

Paxton shakes his head. “Ok I’m just gunna say it, ok Devi? I’m sorry but I just have to say it.”

Devi looks alarmed and she cocks her head to the side. “Say what?

“I don’t wanna not be together anymore. I think it sucks and it’s dumb. Especially if you’re gunna be here.” Paxton blurts out. Devi’s mouth drops open but Paxton barrels on. “You wanted us to go to college single and we did and Devi, I don’t want it anymore. I really don’t. I want you. I always have.”

“Paxton.” Devi breathes out. But he’s on a roll now. It spills out of him.

“You wanted me to date other people and I did, I did that for you, and you know what Devi? Every time I knew I was gunna see you I broke things off with whoever I was with. Every time. For the last three years.” Paxton throws his hands up. “And I would have felt like a real dick about it except I didn’t even realize that’s what I’ve been doing until Trent pointed it out!” He levels Devi with a serious look. “Trent, Devi. Trent. The other day he said he thought I’ve been in Stamford, Connecticut the last three years.”

Devi gives an incredulous laugh. She shakes her head and grabs for her opposite elbow to hold herself. She looks down at her shoes before looking up at Paxton from under her lashes. He can’t tell if she’s smiling or not.

“You really did that?” Devi asks. She is smiling. Paxton huffs.

“I really did.”

Devi laughs again and Paxton’s heart skips at how affectionately she looks at him. “You are kind of a dick.”

It punches a laugh out of him. He smiles ruefully at Devi. “I know.”

She tsks. “I was kidding.”

“I was waiting for you.” Paxton says in the same tone. Devi blinks. Paxton shrugs, stuffing his hands in his pockets. It’s now or never apparently, so he’s going all in. “I’ve been waiting for you Devi.”

Devi looks at him in silence for a moment before her mouth quirks. He’s so nervous.

“I…” Devi starts. Paxton can feel his heart pound. “I know,” Devi finally says. “Paxton. I mean, I think I’ve known that for a while.”

“Yeah, I’m not subtle about it,” he lets out on a tense exhale.

Devi laughs and it makes him feel braver.

“Devi,” he steps closer, so he’s got her legs in between his where she leans against the car. He can feel their knees touch. “You’re still all I think about,” he says honestly.

“I…” Devi’s eyes are running all over his face, “you are too…”

Paxton slowly reaches for her waist, giving her a chance to move away. She doesn’t, she just stares at him with wide eyes.

“So…” Paxton says leading-ly. He slides his hands to her back. Devi lets go of her arm to put her hands on his chest, before she skates her palms up to his shoulders. They stare at each other in silence for a moment.

Devi looks overwhelmed. And then, because she’s Devi, she looks angry. She pulls herself out of his embrace to huff.

“What?” Paxton asks as Devi extricates herself from him and the car and takes his place pacing in front of it.

“Goddammit.” Devi mutters. Paxton looks at her in total confusion.

“What?”

Devi rounds on him and points a finger at him accusatorially.

“Do you know I’ve had a crush on you since the third grade?”

He did. But he gets the feeling maybe it’s Devi’s turn to talk now. She continues.

“That I knew I wanted to lose my virginity to you the second I was old enough to want sex? Fuck, before that even? You’re the only guy I’ve ever loved. You’re the only guy I’ve ever even wanted to date for more than four fucking months. Ever.” She glares and he’s lost.

“So?” Paxton says after a beat of silence.

“So?” Devi exclaims, throwing her hands out and beginning to pace again. “So! It’s not supposed to be like this! This easy! You’re supposed to be with so many people before you find the one! You’re supposed to date around, play the field and all that shit.”

“Says who?”

Paxton tries to ignore his heart leaping at the fact that she kinda called him ‘the one.’

Devi is stomping her foot. She’s so annoyed and he’s so in love with her in this moment. Yelling at him, sunlight glinting in her eyes, ocean breeze playing with her messy hair. She’s all he’s wanted for years. She keeps yelling.

“Says like everyone! Every practical parent, every sex positive friend, every book, every goddamn rom com!” She shakes her head, looking up at the sky in exasperation. “You’re not supposed to fall in love in high school and never fall out of it.”

Paxton shrugs.

“My parents are high school sweethearts Devi.”

“What?! They are?”

Devi stops mid pace, and she swivels back to face him. She blinks.

Paxton nods, crossing his arms. “Yeah.”

“Wha- How did I not know that?” Devi sounds incredulous. Paxton shrugs again.

“I don’t know.”

Devi shakes her head. “I’ve had dinner with them so many times! For like five years! You’re telling me I never once asked them how they met!?” Her eyes were getting big, and her voice was getting high. Of course, she was working herself up over this.

“Hey, hey! Why are we talking about my parents?? Can we talk about us?” Paxton redirects her attention back to him.

Devi still looks utterly bamboozled. She shakes her head again, to clear her thoughts. It reminds Paxton of how physical she is about feeling her emotions. He loves her so goddamn much.

Devi stares at him seriously for a moment.

“Fuck it.” She steps forward, reaching towards him but he grabs her forearms.

“No, Devi.” Paxton shakes his head vigorously. “No ‘fuck it’, no jumping each other, no not talking about it. I’m not doing it anymore.”

Devi’s eyes are so big. Paxton steps toward her.

“We’re going to the same school in the fall.” He reaches for her wrists and holds them up against his chest.

“I love you.” Jesus, it feels so good to say that sober, to her face. Devi is smiling like she can’t help herself. “I still love you. I don’t wanna just be with you whenever we’re both back home. I want us to be together for real. Do you want that? With me?”

Devi shakes her head at him with loving exasperation. She spreads her hands on his chest. “Who else would I even want it with?”

Paxton shrugs. “I don’t know, all these people you’re supposed to be seeing instead of me?”

Like Arm Guy he thinks suddenly, remembering the kid Devi hung out with for like three weeks when she was avoiding Paxton after they first had sex. Yeah, he’s still a little bitter. So sue him.

“There’s only you Paxton. That’s the problem.” Devi reaches up to put her fingers on his jaw. Paxton is obsessed with the way she is looking at him.

“It’s only ever really been you.” Devi says helplessly.

Paxton licks his lips to keep from smiling too wide. He didn’t realize what a relief it would be to know she’d felt the same way he had all this time. “Doesn’t sound like a problem to me.”

Devi laughs ruefully. He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her a step closer. Paxton smiles and she smiles back until she bites her lip.

“I’m scared.” Devi says quietly, her fingers tapping his jaw.

“Of me?” Paxton asks, just as quiet.

Devi looks down between them then back up. She shrugs a little shyly. “Of us. Of how much I want it.”

Paxton squeezes her closer. Devi’s had issues with attachment and loss ever since her dad. He knows this about her more than anything.

“Ok.” He says gently. “That’s ok.”

“It is?” Devi’s voice is so unsure.

“Yeah. I’m scared of us too.” Paxton says bracingly, “just be scared with me. We can do it together. It’s better when we’re together.”

“Well, that’s true,” Devi agrees whole heartedly. He grins at her.

“Yeah, it is.”

Devi looks at him and there’s so much adoration in her eyes. She still looks at him like she used to in high school. Like he put the stars in the sky for her. He would.

“I do love you.” Devi admits earnestly. Paxton holds her tighter. 

“So be with me. Please.”

Devi nods, a hand going to play with the hair at his nape. “Ok.”

It has to be a dream, he has to check.

“Ok?”

Devi laughs. She tugs a little at his hair. Oh god. “Yeah, ok.” Devi says, and it’s a tiny bit teasing. Paxton is so done for.

He couldn’t care less.

“Thank you, God,” Paxton mutters as he finally ducks his head to kiss Devi’s beautiful teasing mouth.

“It’s Devi, actually,” Devi mumbles against him, and then he’s laughing and kissing her harder and Paxton’s heart hurts, but it hurts so, so good.

x

They lay in Devi’s bed together that night after Paxton almost brains himself clamoring in through her window. He’s excited to see his girlfriend. It’s not a big deal, ok? Ok, it’s a big deal.

As Devi traces shapes into his chest Paxton lets out a sigh of relief.

“What?” Devi asks softly, pausing in her doodling to look up at him and smile. Paxton can’t help but smile back widely. He cranes his head forward to kiss her and she giggles at how he puckers his lips for her. Devi scoots up his chest and practically falls into his kiss. He gets a hand in her hair, and they make out lazily.

It feels so good because there’s no part of him that wants to rush this. Because he’s not feeling pent up about not seeing her enough. He’s not afraid that their time is running out or that he’s going to have to make the most out of this because she’s going to leave him. She loves him. Devi loves him and the only place she’s going is to Stanford with him, in the fall. He sighs again, against her mouth. Devi pulls away to look at him with bright eyes.

“I’m really glad we made it here.” Paxton says softly, looking at her with all the adoration he has for her. For the first time in years he’s not totally afraid she’s going to run away from it. Devi’s eyes get brighter, and her smile is so sweet it makes his heart ache.

“Me too.”

He leans in to smack a loud kiss to her mouth. She jerks away laughing and he pulls her into his chest to hug her to himself nice and tight. Devi’s laugh peters out as she cuddles him.

“I don’t know how many more girls I could’ve blown off before they formed a mob and came after me.” Paxton says teasingly after a moment. “And they’d be right to, so…”

Devi laughs into his chest before propping her chin on it to look up at him through her lashes. “Don’t worry, if a mob of angry women come after you at Stanford, I’ll be there to protect you.”

She’ll be there. Paxton almost can’t believe it. He feels like he might burst into song that’s how happy he is. He won’t. But he could.

“I believe that one hundred percent,” he tells Devi with a fond smile. She nods decisively. 

“Good.”

Paxton tugs her close again and kisses her hard. Devi’s smile when she pulls away is blinding. Paxton sighs happily again. He feels a little like he can finally breathe.

x

“Just so you know, when they do come for me, I’m totally gunna blame it all on you and run.”