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When I found Hizashi he was standing in the kitchen staring into a cup of coffee. His eyes were wide, but otherwise a blank expression on his face. We were headed into the month of October, which proved to always be a little difficult for him. I knew he was in the middle of a dissociative moment, so I let him be for a moment longer. His therapist has told me how to pull him out of these moments, very gently and with a soft-touch if vocal assistance isn’t helpful at the moment.
But that’s hard because this doesn’t happen often and when it does, I know that he’s comfortable and is just having a break. At the same time, I know that he hadn’t given himself a break in a while, and this is his brain forcing him to take one. After a few seconds of pouring myself some coffee, I noticed his head was slowly slumping down, this told me he was digging himself deeper into it.
Deciding to pull him out of the episode, I glided across the kitchen, slowly slid my hands around his waist, and placed my head into his shoulder. His back expanded as he took in a deep breath, and I tightened my grip around him.
He spoke, “Good morning, my love.”
“Good morning, sleep well?” Hizashi nodded. “I see you haven’t been taking time for yourself recently.” He didn’t respond to me, so I rubbed my face into his back. “When was the last time you meditated?”
I felt his body leaning forward again so I pressed my hand to his chest to pull him back into me.
“I just need a moment, Sho.”
I nodded, “do you need a moment to disassociate? Or a moment to collect yourself?”
“Disassociate.”
“You know I can’t actively let you do that, Hizashi.”
He pulled away from me and started cleaning up breakfast from the kitchen counter, “you know I don’t know how to do that.”
“I know, but I need you to let me. I’m having a lot of things come up and I don’t,” he stopped for a moment as he was picking up Eri’s half-finished breakfast. He began turning slowly towards to trash to throw it away. He slowly put the plate down, and the small clank brought him back, “have the capacity or the strength.”
I pressed the question again, “when was the last time you meditated?”
He shrugged, “It’s been a minute. With midterms coming up and tutoring students after school it’s hard to find the time to just be.”
“I see,” I took a sip of coffee before speaking. “So, when you were disassociating just then. What triggered it?”
“Nothing in particular. I was just thinking about a lot of stuff.”
“Hm, what-“
He snapped at me, “You’re not my therapist, Shouta. Let me be. Just for a moment.”
“Hizashi-“
“No, just give me this moment.” He threw the dishes in the sink, “fuck.”
At that moment Eri came skipping into the kitchen, he used that moment to exit to the backyard as she came up to me with her spelling words to be corrected. After a few moments, I sent her off to Hitoshi.
Hizashi was sat under a tree in our small yard. Believing he had calmed down, I joined him under the tree.
“Sho,” he said in a low voice. “When I disassociate it isn’t always to escape, like on purpose. I can’t help it. You know this time of year is difficult for me. Sometimes I just need to shut down, and you need to let me. I don’t always need to be pulled from it.”
I paused for a moment. Knowing that he doesn’t do this to himself, and if he could help it he wouldn’t. I also know it feels calming for him, he’s described it as floating on his back in calm water. There is sound, but nothing he can particularly pinpoint. It’s a warm space, a white space, and he feels safer in his mind than he does with the people he trusts most. I had to learn not to be offended by that fact.
I took in a deep breath before speaking, “I’m sorry for pushing it.”
He nodded, “my face hurts, sometimes, Sho. I know its phantom pain from the muzzles, but it just and is tender for no reason these days.”
He was lying. He knew the reason. I knew the reason. Hizashi was muzzled as a child, just like Hitoshi. He wears makeup most days to cover up the scarring around his jaw from the spikes lined muzzles his birth parents made him wear for years. Anytime he opened his mouth too wide they would scratch at him, not to mention the countless times they made him eat mint, then drink ice water to punch him for being too loud.
Hizashi placed his hand around his throat. He told me this helped him feel in control of his quark.
“My jaw,” I could barely hear him, “really hurts, Sho. I need to escape the mental and physical pain.”
I nodded and leaned against him, “Okay. And, we need to find better-coping skills. I want us to be good examples to Eri and Hitoshi when things get hard, especially when they are struggling mentally.”
“Will you just take a moment with me, and let me do it.” He looked me in the eyes and I saw that he was pleading, not just asking. “Sit here with me, don’t pull me back. Let me come back when I’m ready. I need this, Sho. Just give me two minutes.”
I positioned myself so I was sitting in front of his and held out my hands, he took hold of mine as I spoke, “and then, I’ll take you through a guided meditation for grounding.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“Okay, I’ll be right here.” I averted my eyes to the buttons on his shirt as he leaned against a tree. I noticed his breathing become shallow within moments, so I looked at his face. He was at complete peace. His eyes were a little glazed as he looked just pass me. His eyes began to dilate as his head slowly drooped, his eyes trained in one spot. Eyes twitching, like they were trying to blink but that would break the spell he casted over himself. I find comfort in knowing he feels safe enough around me to exit reality and retreat into himself, and find it distressing to know that he’s been driven to a point where controlling when it happens is hard. This happened to me often after Oboro’s death.
Feeling as though two minutes had passed I gently placed my hand on Hizashi's knee. Pretty instantly he was back with me. Hizashi closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, he placed his hands in the grass as he exhaled.
“I’m at home,” he said. “Outside. I can touch the grass, it’s soft.” He tweedled a blade of grass around his finger. “I can feel the soil, it’s cool. A little damp too.” He opened his eyes and took in another deep breath, “I can touch your sweat pants,” he caressed the hem of my pants at the ankle, “they’re soft. I can see you, Sho.” I nodded to him, “I can see,” he looked up, “this three, and all of its little leaf’s.” He took in another deep breath then looked at me, “I can smell your conditioner.”
“What?”
“Well,” he leaned closer and smelled my hair, “That’s Hitoshi’s conditioner. Hibiscus. Wait, why are you-“
“Mine ran out, and yours and Eri’s leave my hair dry, enough. How do you feel?”
He leaned back against the tree again, “better. If you don’t mind, I would like to spend the next hour meditating, not disassociating.”
I got to my feet, “Okay. Call me back if you need grounding, oh and,” I reached in my pocket and pulled out a small plush bunny toy. “These help Eri when she needs grounding. Try it out. She says the insides of their ears are the softest part.”