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The recording started shakily, giving a view of what appeared to be a wedding reception. A majority of the people in seats had their faces blurred out, and the others were recognisable as literally dozens of Dream SMP members. It zoomed in on a figure standing up the front stage.
“Okay, so.” Tommy leaned his arms on either side of the lectern, sleeves pushed up past his elbows. He’d taken off the suit jacket barely half an hour into the wedding, his tie was loose, and his curly hair had resisted restraint since before the fucking ceremony. A grin was on his face, though, and he looked completely in his element with a microphone in front of him.
“I’m meant to be doing this speech for Wil, and because I’m a fu-'' he paused, giving a small sigh. “Because I’m an idiot, I decided against writing a script. And I’ve already almost forgotten that I’m not allowed to swear, this is the worst decision of my life.”
Sitting at the head table, Wilbur gave a small laugh. He’d been looking forward to this, somehow, because he knew that Tommy could pull a good speech out of his arse at any given moment.
The laugh turned into a thoughtful frown. Maybe Tommy wasn’t the only one with a swearing problem.
“So. The first time I met our good pal Wilbur, I was very awkward and quiet and an enormous fan of his videos, and my first words to him were ‘Hello guys’ and he responded ‘Sorry, who is this?’ and my dreams were instantly crushed. About a week later, I’d already started a war against him and - spoilers- I lost. A lot. Over and over again. It was good content, though, so my pride can take it.
“He offered for me to join Cum Squad, and I made a slightly inappropriate joke about the name, but I remember that as the first time I made him really laugh, so I honestly can’t regret that.”
Tommy shifted. “Where was I going with this… okay. We started really becoming friends offline around the time of the Dream SMP, when he said that he was proud of me and logged off the server for what was meant to be the last time.
“Then we started a country, and died a lot, and it reminds me of that Harry Potter quote - man, I really just started quoting Harry Potter at my best friend’s wedding. Look at me go.
“Yeah, anyway, there’s a quote that I’m going to modify, half because I don’t remember it and half because it’ll make it more relevant. ‘It took an act of fighting a green blob and winning independence to bring the three of them together’ or some shit, I don’t know - oh, sorry Bad, I know there’s children in the room." He scoffed and muttered, "There’s children who watch my videos, why is it any different - sorry, sorry, I’ll try not to, I promise.”
Tommy rubbed a hand down his face, resisting a smile at the sheer stupidity of the situation. “This was an awful idea. The point I’m trying to make is that, even though some see it as strange that I’m best friends with someone eight years older than me, who I met online, with whom I have a joke that kind of isn’t a joke anymore about being brothers, who’s also a-” he cut off, shaking his head. “Also a-” he cut off again.
“Bad, I can’t do this, I’m sorry. Cover your kids’ ears, everyone.” He pointed at the head table, making direct eye contact. “You’re also a fucking wanker, a bitch, and an arsehole." He immediately held his arms up in surrender, glaring at a figure (probably Bad again) in the audience. "I’m done, okay, I’m sorry, it’s just the truth. I’m not gonna lie to you. Even if some people think that it’s weird we’re friends, they can go frick themselves - look at me go - because it isn’t. Because we’re best friends and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. See? I made it. I got there."
He shifted on his feet, voice softening almost unnoticeably. “Wilbur, you’re a legend. And I know I don’t say it nearly often enough, but I wouldn’t have had a lot of the opportunities and the knowledge and the friends and the success that I have today without your guidance and constant support, and I can’t be thankful enough.
“I’m being genuine here, /S-R-S, when I say that you're my best friend, man." Tommy hesitated and tilted his head to the side, reconsidering. "Among other best friends. Amogus." His expression became a grimace. "Oh, wow, I really just said ‘amogus’ at your wedding. The plan is going swimmingly, my liege. And back with another reference that nobody will understand. I’m great at this.” He smiled fake-innocently at his own monologue before continuing.
“So, yeah. Moral of the story, Wilbur, is that I love you and I’m really happy that you’re happy, and if you don’t name your first child Tommy I will throw a tantrum. Unless you name them Floris.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What am I saying? Okay, the other moral of the story is to script your speeches, dude."
He took a deep breath, reaching forwards and steadying his hands on the podium. “I’d like to finish off this speech with a story that I’ve actually previously planned on telling. This is the story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.” He started to do a mini dance with the lyrics, then forcibly stilled his limbs and flicked himself in the ear.
“Not the time, Tomathy. Okay, this is a story that I think Sally should know, even though she’s already signed the official papers and shi- stuff. And stuff. And yes, I know your name isn’t Sally, I know we’ve been talking to each other almost every day for four years, but you’re married to Wilbur so your name is Sally and you must be wearing at least one item of salmon pink every day. End of story."
He frowned at the air. “No, that isn’t the end of the story. Let me talk, Sally, stop interrupting.”
“Get on with it!” Wilbur called, a grin on his face. He could see Tommy was enjoying himself despite the rambling, and his friend tried to subtly flip him off where the young kids couldn’t see. They saw.
“This is not a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down, but it does have a very similar effect. Affect? Effect. Wilbur was the first person to really talk to me about what it’s like to be a content creator, not about the practicalities and how to get big, but surrounding mental health and privacy." Tommy took a breath, smile a little bit sappy but mostly projecting pure elation to be there. "He’s given me a lot of advice and shown kindness at every step of the way, and he somehow figured out that I would get big before I did.
“He’s also the one who noticed how much anxiety I had, and recommended that I see someone, and he very quickly became the person that I could talk to if I needed to. He’s always looked after me, and watched over my streams when he knows that I’m uncomfortable, and helped me out with bits that I can’t do by myself.
“Without Wilbur, I would not have had a lot of the knowledge and the joy that I can have now, and I’m honestly really privileged to call myself a friend of one of the best people I’ve ever fucking met. I’m not sorry, Bad, because it’s really true, and you can’t’ve expected me to stay clean this whole time.
“I’ve been talking for too long, so here’s another quick summary: I love you Wilbur. I’m really glad that I’ve been able to take this journey with you, and I hope you and Mia- sorry, you and Sally- have a lot of happy years to come with your first child who will be named Thomas. It’s an honour to be a part of the first act of your life, and I already know this is gonna be the best fucking play in the whole world.”
He grinned at Wilbur, who smiled back shakily, fighting back tears.
“Thanks for listening, boys.” He started to walk off, then seemed to remember something and leaned back to the microphone in order to add cheekily, “Sorry, did I mention that you’re a wanker?”
The room burst into laughter and applause as Tommy walked off the platform, beelining straight for his best friend. Wilbur stood up and wrapped him in a tight hug, swaying from side to side slightly. They spoke a few words softly, just them, without the rest of the world listening in.
Tommy pulled back after a moment and grinned, reaching up to ruffle Wilbur’s hair. He gave Sally a side-hug, waved at everyone on the table, and returned to his seat before the recording cut off.