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Earth was an interesting place. It was nothing like Cybertron, being organic and all that. But there were positives to it. The weather was interesting to witness, at least the rain here was just water and not acid that could kill a bot for standing in it too long. There were no scraplets, or other animals that could threaten or kill a Cybertronian. And the internet guaranteed there was always something entertaining to look at, way better than staring at the vast nothingness of space. All in all, Hot Rod actually liked the planet. The native inhabitants, humans, were also pretty cool.
Humans, so different from Cybertronians but at the same time very similar in more ways than one. They were brave for such a breakable species, almost stupidly so, but it was that courage that bots couldn’t help acknowledge. Took real brass ones to charge at an alien that was 4 times your height. Hot Rod really liked humans, excluding the few annoying ones that the government tended to send for negotiations. But that didn’t change the fact that humans tended to do things and have social ques that made absolutely no sense in his opinion. Every time he thought he finally understood human culture, they managed to prove him wrong.
The season that humans called ‘winter’ was one of those times.
===
Hot Rod leisurely strolled into the hanger where a few of the other Autobots were hanging around in some rare downtime. Ratchet was off to the side with Ironhide and Optimus casually chatting about something Hod Rod couldn’t hear from the distance. Bluestreak was standing at the hanger entrance next to Bumblebee, animatedly gesturing every few moments in turn with whatever he was rambling about. Hot Rod quickly made his way over to the younger group of bots, coming into hearing range of the grey Praxian’s latest tale.
“You should have been there Bee! It was so awesome! I know it’s been a while since I went driving with the twins, but I forgot how fast they can go! They were literally leaving me in the dust! I couldn’t keep up! And all the maneuvers they can pull off was spectacular. Not the safest, but maybe that’s why they’re so breath taking to see when done correctly? Anyway, I’d never be able to pull off those moves at the speed they were going. Really, you had to be there to get what I’m trying to describe. I don’t have the words for it.”
“I don’t know Blue,” Hot Rod leisurely put one arm around the Praxian’s shoulder, a grin on his face. “Seems like you have a lot of words to describe it.” Bumblebee’s field pulsed a wave of amusement before the gunner replied.
“Roddy!” Bluestreak smiled at the newcomer’s arrival. “I guess I do have some words to say about it. But nothing I say will really be able to describe just how awesome it was.”
Putting his hands up in surrender the speeder gave in. “Okay, okay. Guess I’m just going to have to take the words you do have for it then.”
“Where are the twins? Haven’t seen them at all since I got back,” Bee asked while looking around as if the pair would magically appear.
“Oh,” Bluestreak bashfully chuckled as his doorwings wiggled a bit behind him in response. “They’re in the brig. As cool as all their tricks and speed were, the local police had a differing opinion. An opinion they shared with Optimus, who then shared it with Prowl, who then shared his own opinion with the twins along with the punishment to go with it. And yeah,” he trailed off, no further explanation needed.
“I’d say I’m surprised, but I’m really not.” Bee said while rolling his optics. Hot Rod nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, I’d be surprised if they weren’t in the brig for that.”
There was silence between the three before some movement on the field caught Hot Rod’s optic. The human soldiers were running drills like they did every morning, but they looked a bit…off? Rounder? Was that normal? “Hey, what’s wrong with the humans?” He pointed towards the jogging humans in the distance as his company turned to see what he was referring too.
“They seems okay to me.” Bee stated after a moment, failing to see whatever flaw the speedster was referring too. Bluestreak, also seeing no issue, nodded in agreement as both of them turned back to Hot Rod to elaborate in the supposed problem.
How did he explain this? “It’s just…they look rounder?”
“Rounder?” Bee and Blue echoed in confusion, completely lost.
“Fluffier? I don’t know. They kinds remind me of those white food things humans impale on sticks, before hanging them over the fire to burn and eat? They ate them during the summer season, remember? When they went… ‘camping’?” Hot Rod hesitantly guessed the last word, not entirely sure if he was remembering correctly.
For a moment Bee thought Hot Rod was describing some kind of horror cult sacrifice ritual before he realized what was actually being described. “Do you mean marshmallows?” Bee chuckled in quickly blooming amusement.
“That’s it!” Hot Rod snapped. “Why do the humans suddenly look like marshmallows with legs? I don’t remember them always being so round and fluffy.”
Bluestreak caught on to what Hot Rod was referring to as well and laughed. “Roddy, it’s winter time.”
“You say that as if it means something.” Hot Rod tilted his head in confusion. “ I’m not seeing the apparent connection. What does the season have to do with this?” He was still learning about earth seasons having just arrived on earth a few months ago. Cybertron had seasons, but they didn’t effect cybertronians like they seemed to effect humans.
“Blue, it’s Hot Rod’s first winter since he landed. He wouldn’t know.” Bee informed the gunner who oh’d in understanding. “Roddy, you’ve noticed that it’s gotten colder, right?”
Hot Rod nodded, he wasn’t that oblivious. Temperature shifts were a bit hard to ignore when you had to patrol outside in it at 3 in the morning, and frost was forming on your armor. Bee continued his explanation at the speedsters acknowledgment.
“Well, to stay warm in the colder temperature humans put on more layers of clothing to keep warm. It’s not permanent, but it’s why everyone out there looks ‘rounder’ as you put it.” He laughed a bit to himself. “They’re wearing heavy jackets, they can take them off once they’re inside and in a warmer environment.” Bumblebee explained in detail. “You’ve seen a jacket before Roddy, this is just a winter version of it. More heavy duty.”
“Hm,” Hot Rod grunted as he pondered the new information. “I suppose that makes sense. Why don’t they just turn up their temperature to keep warm? Would save them the trouble of having to take off and put on all those layers. ”
“Humans can’t do that Hot Rod, that’s why they have jackets.”Bluestreak pointed out shaking his head. Sometimes Roddy wasn’t the sharpest energy blade in the closet.
“Oh, right. That’s too bad.” The sound of an approaching car was heard in the distance, preventing the discussion from continuing further. For a moment Hot Rod thought it was another Autobot when the vehicle came into view, but quickly realized that the military grade car was only that and not sentient. “Who is that?” Hot Rod asked, not recognizing either of the men in the car.
Bumblebee and Bluestreak focused on the car quickly approaching them. Cybertronians had far better sight (and hearing) than humans. Especially the number one sniper in the army.
“Oh,” Bluestreak said softly, finally managing to get a better visual of the human passangers. “That must be the government official that was supposed to visit today. I think he was coming here to talk with Optimus. That’s why he’s here in the hanger in the first place. Ratchet and Ironhide just tagged along for the chance to talk with him till the official arrived.”
The car came to stop right in front of the three bots as Bluestreak finished notifying them of the situation. Driving the car was a solider from base, his army issued uniform giving him away. The solider remained in the car as the passenger stepped out, before driving away.
The passenger of the departed car was an older looking man in his upper 50’s dressed professionally in a fancy black suit. He was bald and had that smug ‘I’m an asshole’ look all over him. Unfortunately, it was the look that most of the American government officials sent to talk to the Autobots seemed to wear. He was much heavier than the previous officials, but the bots knew better than to point that out.
Well, all but one.
“Excuse me sir,” Hot Rod called out to the official, confusing the others to his sudden volunteered willingness to converse. “It’s rather warm inside the building, so I’d suggest you take your jacket off. I’d be totally cool with holding onto it for you while you have your meeting.” He knelt down on the ground and held out a servo for the official to place his non-existent jacket, confusing both the addressed human and observing cybertronian alike.
Bluestreak mumbled under his breath. “Roddy, what are you doing? He doesn’t have a jacket.”
Hot Rod shifted his optics to look at Blue without moving his position, servo still extended towards the confused official. “Of course he does. I’m trying to be polite and hold it for him. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with guests? That’s what they did in the movie.” Human entertainment and media was a big hit with all the bots.
“Are your optics malfunctioning? He doesn’t have a jacket.” Bee asked, worried about what the flamed bot was seeing. Good thing Ratchet was only a few feet away, he may need to take a look at the flame painted mech.
“Then why’s he so round.” Hot Rod stupidly asked out loud for all to hear. Finally catching on to what Hot Rod was confused about, both Bee and Blue gasped in horror. But it was too late. There was no taking back the innocent insult that had come out of Hot Rod’s mouth.
It took a minute for the official to compute what Hot Rod was implying, but once he did, the man turned a bright shade of red similar to that of a tomato (Hot Rod wasn’t aware humans could change their coloring). It was hard to tell if it was in anger or embarrassment, most likely a mix of the two, but it was not pretty sight. He erupted in unbridled screeching at the now shell shocked speedster who didn’t understand why the human was glitching out.
Optimus and the others were startled out of their conversation and quickly made their way over to the spectacle taking place. By the time they had crossed the short distance to the younger group, the official had tapered off in screaming and was cursing in serval languages while waving a finger at Hot Rod to emphasize whatever point he was trying to make.
“What’s wrong?” Optimus asked diplomatically. “Hot Rod, why is the government liaison yelling out you?”
Hot Rod hadn’t moved from his kneeling position throughout the entire ordeal. Other than his eyes widening in shock from the sudden reaction, he had completely frozen. But at the sound of his leader’s voice he quickly snapped out of his daze. He threw his servos up in surrender.
“I don’t know!? I was just trying to be polite, then the human started yelling things at me. I’m innocent,” He cried.
“Ha, right. Hot Rod polite, there’s a problem right there.” Ironhide remarked. Both him and Ratchet keeping neutral non-believing expressions locked on the Hot Rod. “I’d bet every weapon’s upgrade attached to me that you managed to insult the human while trying to be polite,” he air quoted the last word.
“I did not! I barely spoke 3 sentences, how could I have insulted them?” He raised a brow in question.
The yelling official had also finally stopped shouting and was settling for glaring holes into the speedster as he observed the conversation taking place, still extremely upset. But he was waiting to see what excuse the bot had and what the others would say in return.
“Hot Rod, you have many skills but being polite isn’t one of them. You being well, you-” Hot Rod let out an offended noise, but Ratchet continued on ignoring it. “I’m sure you’d manage it somehow. So what did you say” Ratchet crossed his arms over his chest pressing the younger bot for an answer.
Hot Rod threw his hands up in growing frustration. “Nothing! The government human arrived and I offered to hold his jacket while he met with Optimus. Blue then told me that he apparently isn’t wearing a jacket, to that I then asked why he’s so round, then he started yelling at me!”
Instant realization flashed across the new bots faces as they realized what the fool had done unintentionally. Ratchet looked like he was torn between whacking the speedster with a wrench, or just walking away to pretend he wasn’t aware of this situation. Ironhide was amused, mouth twitching in an attempt not to smile. The aft. Optimus had a pretty neutral expression on his face, but he seemed to be holding back the urge to sigh. It was hard to be mad at Hot Rod when he wasn’t purposely trying to start anything.
“Why is everyone looking at me like that?!” Hot Rod wailed after a moment, noticing that the entire audience seemed to know something he didn’t. “Someone, tell me what I apparently did wrong about asking to hold the man’s, apparently not present, jacket!?”
Where to begin with this.
Optimus was first to speak up in an attempt to enlighten the younger bot about him offensive mistake. He didn’t get very far. “Hot Rod, humans are a very diverse species. You are still new to Earth and it’s many cultures and customs, so your mistake is… understandable.” Understandable didn’t mean forgivable, but one thing at a time. “The government liaison is indeed not wearing a jacket, he is-”
“That’s clearly been established at this point.” Hot Rod cut in, getting annoyed at the apparent obvious being repeated, with him no closer to understanding. “Why is the human so mad? And why does he look like marshmallow man from that Ghost Buster’s movie we watched a couple nights ago?”
Bluestreak and Bumblebee’s mouths fell open in shock. Hot Rod just kept digging a deeper grave for himself with every passing minute. A bit impressive when you stop to think about how fast he’d managed to cause the situation. Ironhide’s self-restraint shattered with that remark, and he broke down laughing. Ratchet faced palmed and shook his head in apparent defeat, unwilling to voice his own thoughts to this flaming disaster.
There were some graves that not even the great Optimus Prime could fill with his diplomatic skills, this appeared to be one of those times. It was not possible to save a sinking ship that was already half way underwater. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Optimus could only silently gaze at Hot Rod ruefully, who was still cluelessly confused to another repeat of negative response from his peers.
The government official was angry before, now he was absolutely livid. His face turning a shade of red that was probably a warning for medical concern. He was silent for about 3 second before he let out a battle cry, sprinting forward towards Hot Rod full speed like a man on a suicide mission. There was no hesitation, only a burning rage that seemed to radiate from deep within the man, which was then directed at the insulting Autobot target.
It was that lack of hesitation and the feral yell that had Hot Rod falling back in shock on his aft. A wave of fear also came over him in reaction to the small human charging towards him. He had looked torn between cowering into a ball for protection, or getting up and running for the hills, but the sudden scream and charge from the human had prevented him from doing either of the options listed before.
Hot Rod was 16 foot tall metal cybertronian, so a 5’ 7” organic human wasn’t going to do any real damage to be concerned about. Really, the human was putting himself in more danger. But luckily Autobots had a ‘no harming humans’ policy, so there was some form of protection for the enraged official. That didn’t mean accidents didn’t happen.
Therefore, the Autobots quickly surrounded their fallen comrade who was laying on the floor staring at his ankle in horror as the angry liaison continued to scale up his leg like a monkey climbing a tree. A rather impressive feat for the slightly overweight man. It’s like they say, anger can bring out different side to someone. That anger also lasted for quite a span of time, it was over an hour before the man calmed down enough to be pried off a shaken Hot Rod.
There were several restrictions placed upon Hot Rod by Prowl after that encounter for the sake of positive human and cybertronian relations. He was banned from using the word ‘marshmallow’ in any sentence relating to humans. If it was not on a grocery list or actively camping, the word was banned during their time on earth.
He was also banned from being withing a 20 foot radius of any visiting government officials. The last thing they needed was an all-out declaration of war from their hosts who were letting them seek asylum on their planet. Finally, he had to write an apology to the liaison for poor choice of words and accidental insults.
After further explaining of human culture and social ques from Bumblebee and Bluestreak, Hot Rod mentally noted to himself to just not bring up anything weight related to humans. He was warned that female humans were worse, and he did not want to experience anything worse than his first, and hopefully only, encounter with bringing up weight to a human.
He still didn’t quite understand why humans were so prickly about their weight. He hadn’t asked to be rude or hurt any feelings, it was only out of genuine curiosity that he asked. If having an excess of weight bothered them so much, why not just loose it? Maybe it was just a human thing?
Humans are weird, that is a fact.
But maybe that’s what made them so interesting to interact with? Understanding the weird is always a fun challenge worth the effort. And Hot Rod wasn’t someone who ever backed away from a challenge.