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The next day in school, Da On worked on autopilot. It seems as though he has been doing that a lot lately. Working on autopilot, forcing himself to not feel and go about his day as expected, even though an unexpected had just happened. But the world doesn’t stop for Da On to figure out a way out of his mess. The world continues. So did the stares and looks, whispers and pointing of fingers.
He couldn’t escape it so Da On does what he does best, push down his feelings, ignore what was bothering him and pretend nothing happened. Pretend as though the entire school is currently not talking about him and his sexuality, their disappointment in his sexuality and his relationship with the new council member.
Because every time someone tries to approach him to confirm the rumours, a part of him dies a little inside, when he attempts to deny it. At the end of the day, Tae Kyung and Da On were still together and Da On is still very much in love with his boyfriend but Da On knows now he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t let the world know about his relationship. They weren’t ready for it and so was he.
That’s why instead of being in class, he was hiding away from everyone in the teachers’ lounge but even that wasn’t enough. A pair of boys happen to spot him by chance when they came by the teachers’ lounge to drop off their things.
“That guy is president, Shin Da On.”
Da On stiffened in his seat but otherwise displayed no other reaction. The two boys weren’t even being subtle in talking about him.
“I heard that he made Woo Tae Kyung, the loner kid, join the student council just so that he could date him,” the same boy whispered his conspiracy.
It was one thing for people to talk about Da On and question about his life but it was another thing when those people starts to bring up Tae Kyung’s name in such a manner, as though he did something wrong . Da On looked up and stared directly at the boys, making eye contact with them.
The one that was talking visibly gulped at being caught, nudged his friend’s shoulder, signalling to leave.
“Hey, let’s talk outside. I think he can hear us.”
When they both left, Da On let out a sigh and went back to focusing on his work. He knows it wasn’t much but that was the very least he could do for Tae Kyung at this moment right now. Da On knows it was probably selfish of him right now, taking the easy way out when the entire school was currently in a mess right now because of him while Tae Kyung is somewhere out there having to face everything on his own.
Da On wonders if Tae Kyung was alright and coping well on his own. Was he still upset at Da On over last night? Were anybody who was giving him trouble over the rumours? Da On’s fingers itched to reach out for his phone hoping to find out the answers to his questions but he knows it does no one good. In fact, it probably will make it worst.
So Da On sucked it up and hoped for the best and that he’ll be able to get through the day with little to no more incident.
“Even if you’re nice to him, you should set boundaries.”
A mirthless laugh escapes Da On as the words of his math teacher replayed back in mind while he walks down the stairs to head back home. The irony in how his math teacher offered him the solitude of the teachers’ lounge the entire day but as a person himself absolutely did the opposite.
Just as Da On reached the bottom of the stairs, he heard his name being called and immediately recognised the voice. He felt his heart clenched as he turned to look at the boy who called his name.
He forced himself still when Tae Kyung took small hesitant steps towards him. The look of worry and concern directed towards him made Da On felt uncomfortable. He didn’t deserve those looks. He didn’t do anything to deserve Tae Kyung to look at him in such a way. And that’s when the thought hit him. Da On doesn’t deserve Tae Kyung.
“Next time,” Da On tiredly said, “let’s talk next time Tae Kyung.”
He stared at the latter for a few more seconds before taking his leave and walking away from Tae Kyung.
“Do you even want to talk to me anymore?” Tae Kyung countered against Da On’s statement, halting Da On mid-step.
“You’ve been acting really strange since the student council trip,” Tae Kyung continued when it was clear he has gotten Da On’s attention, even though his boyfriend has yet to turn around to face him, “is it because of what I said?”
Da On looked down at his shoes, thinking on how he couldn’t do this anymore, so he turned around and looked at Tae Kyung.
“I just wanted to tell you how I felt. It wasn’t because I wanted you to become distant and awkward around me,” Tae Kyung added.
The guilt was eating Da On alive. “I know. I know that but…”
“I kept waiting for you,” Tae Kyung interrupted, “I can continue to wait for you.” Tae Kyung nodded his head slightly, eyes showing sincerity in his words and Da On believes him.
“But if you continue to run away like this instead of coming to me and talking about it.”
Tae Kyung lowered his eyes to the ground, “there’s nothing I can do.”
He paused for a few seconds before looking up at Da On, “but what I really want to know is if you thought about me.”
The sadness in Tae Kyung’s eyes when he recounts how his entire day went when Da On was nowhere to be found, was the final push Da On needed for this conversation to turn another direction.
“I guess that wasn’t the case for you. I guess it was just me.”
He squeezed his eyes and took a deep breath as he braced himself for what he was going to say next. Ignoring the part of him that was desperately trying to get him to change his mind, Da On opened his eyes that were shiny with tear, and nodded. “Yes, I guess you’re right.”
Lies .
“Now that I think about it, I thought about myself the entire day and I didn’t even think about you.” Da On numbly said, far removed from his emotions.
Lies. Lies. Lies .
“I’m sorry, Tae Kyung,” Da On apologised to the dumbfounded Tae Kyung, mouth slightly ajar.
“I was wrong,” Tae Kyung said with slight anger in his voice. Something has changed in the way Tae Kyung was looking at him. It was as if Tae Kyung was looking at a completely stranger, unable to process what he was seeing in front of him, “when I said it wasn’t your fault. It is your fault.”
Da On stared at Tae Kyung painfully, his heart clenched painfully in his chest. If there was anyone who could truly hurt Da On, it was the boy standing in front of him right now.
“I thought you were a sad and kind person who always acted like everything was okay.” Tae Kyung said, face blank, “But you’re just a bad person who only knows how to lie.”
“But I still liked you despite knowing that. Because it was you.”
I can’t do this anymore Tae Kyung-ah. I can’t keep hurting you like this, Da On thought to himself, his mind already made up and the words were out of his mouth.
“Let’s take a break Tae Kyung ah,” Da On said, voice shaky as he tried to hold back the sobs that was demanding to be let out. He was first met with silence as Tae Kyung stared at him, his mouth set in a hard line.
Then Tae Kyung nodded in agreement. “Let’s take a break.”
Without another word, Tae Kyung took his leave, walking past Da On, looking ahead, leaving Da On alone to deal with his mess of emotions on his own.