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“Is that new?” one of Da On’s classmates, Ki Bum, asked as he pointed to the teal bracelet on Da On’s right hand.
Da On looked at his wrist and his eyes immediately softened. His heart immediately swelled up when memories of that night started to replay back in his mind. It was a scene that he vowed to remember for all his life
“Oh this?” Da On brushed off casually, a small smile present on his face, “I got it as a gift.”
“From who?” his other classmate leaned closer and whispered teasingly, “who gave it to you?”
“A girl?” Ki Bum added, raising his eyebrow knowingly, taking another glance at the bracelet.
A quick rejection to the suggestion that a girl could have given him the bracelet, Da On immediately clarified that a guy gave it to him. However, in the midst of the slight high he was in, Da On forgot for a moment that it wasn’t normal for a guy to receive a piece of accessory from another guy and to parade around the it proudly.
It was the awkward silence and the weirded out looks from his classmates was what brought Da On back to reality, the cruel reality that was filled with close minded people who don’t understand the happiness and love he feels towards Tae Kyung. The smile that was on his face disappeared and consciously, Da On slowly hid his arm bearing the bracelet under his other arm while his classmates continued with the advices and warnings about going around telling people the origins of his bracelet.
But hiding it was fruitless. Ki Bum reached out to take a closer look at the bracelet, and asked “by the way, is this a couple bracelet?”.
Before Da On could even react, the latter immediately retracted his grip with a gasp, acting as though the touch burned him. “I didn’t know that was what you liked Shin Da On.”
It was pathetic, standing there, unmoving, not saying anything while the people standing in front of him were giving him looks that make Da On’s skin crawl. It wasn’t looks that he was familiar in receiving from his classmates. The look of disgust and maybe even disappointment seemed to be more fitting for the people Da On calls his parents but not from the people whom he helped without a moment of hesitation or reluctance.
“I understand,” Ki Bum mocked sympathy, touching his heart to express his sincerity.
Da On felt his stomach churn. He felt like throwing up but the two boys seemed to be unaware of the discomfort he was in.
“But don’t end up falling for me. Okay?”
Clearly his classmates weren’t genuinely interested in receiving a response because the conversation was brushed aside as if was nothing and invited Da On to get cup noodles before their next class. Acting as though they didn’t just made an entire scene of Da On getting a bracelet from a guy and essentially made fun of him for it, invalidating himself. Mustering a smile, Da On declined their offer and they left, leaving him to his thoughts and forcing himself to reply the entire conversation.
“Oh right, that’s why his friends began to bully him and avoid him.”
The feeling of abandonment and loneliness began to rush through Da On as he imagined if two of his closer classmates reacted the way they did towards a bracelet, what would others think as well. The thought of it was enough to get Da On’s heart racing and struggling to catch his breath.
He couldn’t do this, Da On thought as he removed the bracelet on his wrist and have it tucked deep into his pocket. He couldn’t bear having to carry the sense of disappointment and uselessness that he already carries at home, in school too. With the bracelet tucked away and hidden, Da On felt the feeling fade away a little but he was too focused on those feelings, he didn’t recognised the slight ache in his heart as he did that.
“Hey! Da On! What are you doing here?” Namgung greeted cheerfully from a distance. Da On turned to see Namgung waving at him with Tae Kyung trailing behind the latter, offering a shy smile. The worry that Da On had in him melt away when Namgung easily carried a conversation with him, temporarily distracting him from his feelings. Pushing whatever just happened between him and his classmates, Da On played along with Namgung pretending to take a bite off the latter’s sausage.
Too focused in trying to forget what just happened, Da On failed to realize that his boyfriend’s eyes were slightly too focused on his wrist.
“I need to catch Shin Woo before the start of class. I’ll see you guys at the council room later,” Tae Kyung interrupted from the sidelines.
“Why-“ Da On wanted probe more but before he could do so, Tae Kyung bowed his head and quickly left Namgung and him alone.
Namgung and Da On looked at each other in confusion at the abrupt departure from the younger boy.
“Tae Kyung and Shin Woo sure seemed to have gotten a lot closer since the trip,” Namgung commented lightly, eyeing his president carefully.
Suddenly conscious about his feelings, Da On gave a slight shrug, “that means a less angry Shin Woo and a pouty Tae Kyung.”
As if wanting to soothe his feelings, Da On reached out to caress his wrist only to feel his bare skin instead the familiar feel of his bracelet. He immediately looked down at his wrist and remembered what he just did moments ago.
“I’ll wear this every day from now on.”
Da On winced when his promised echoed in his head and let out a groan. He was such an idiot. He only removed it for 5 minutes and Tae Kyung already noticed it.
“I’m sorry Namgung but I need to catch up with Tae Kyung,” Da On rushed out an apology and quickly went after his boyfriend, ignoring the dumbfounded look the boy gave him.
“You’re such an idiot Da On-ah,” Da On mumbled to himself as he scanned through the halls. If he remembered correctly, Tae Kyung should be having free period now. Just as he rushed passed the vending machines, he spotted a familiar figure by it, trying to pick a drink.
Da On walked back to the vending machine and let out a sigh of relief when it was his boyfriend that he saw.
“I heard the one that just came out was good,” Da On piped in, slightly out of breath. He gave his boyfriend when the latter turned to look at him, “here, let me get you something.”
Leaning past the younger boy, Da On swiftly pushed some spare coins from his pocket into the machine and pressed a few button. Within seconds, his chosen drinks dropped with a thud. Da On bent down slightly and offered the drink to Tae Kyung. It was his favorite. This time, Da On didn’t miss the way Tae Kyung’s eyes drifted to his wrist and how his posture slumped slightly in dejection. Smiling sadly, Da On nudged the drink in Tae Kyung’s direction, urging his boyfriend to take it.
“We have a tutoring session later right?” Da On brought up when Tae Kyung finally accepted his drink, “I have something to say. Do you want to meet earlier?”
It was as though Da On uttered some kind of magical words with the way Tae Kyung immediately light up, eyes brightening, “you have something to say?”
When Da On gave a small nod, Tae Kyung eagerly returned one back, “okay, that sounds good.”
“I’ll see you at 3:30pm?” Da on asked, knowing that Tae Kyung’s last class was at 3pm while his was at 2:30pm. One hour should be enough time to mentally prepare himself for the conversation.
It was currently 2:45pm and Tae Kyung has just entered the council room. Caught off guard, the panic Da On tried to get Shin Woo to stay a little longer so that he could put off the conversation till the very end. When Shin Woo politely declined and left the council room, Da On was left alone with his boyfriend and he was terrified.
How did Tae Kyung manage to do it so calmly when Da On felt like running away. And Tae Kyung didn’t have the reassurance that Da On currently has, that the other felt the same way.
“Da On, didn’t you say you have something to tell me?” Tae Kyung immediately asked when the latter had not said anything to him since he entered. On any other occasions, Da On would have adored Tae Kyung’s straightforwardness but not today, not now.
“Mmm,” Da On nodded his head, “let’s talk after we’re done.”
Tae Kyung pouted and batted his eyes at Da On, but the latter was not budging, “come here beside me so that we can start tutoring. The quicker we get it done, the quicker we can talk okay?” Da On soothing said, attempting to placate his boyfriend which worked when Tae Kyung let out a sigh and dragged himself next to Da On.
“Only because I love you,” Tae Kyung declared and allowed himself to drop into the seat next to Da On. Da On felt his heart flutter at the declaration and he couldn’t resist pressing a kiss on Tae Kyung’s cheek, whispering a soft “thank you.”
To Tae Kyung’s credit, it took him 3 hours of studying for him to finally crack. Da On felt a grip on his wrist mid-writing, forcing him to stop his note taking. He looked up from his notes to look at his boyfriend.
“Da On. Let’s talk. I can’t focus,” Tae Kyung said, eyes determined to get what he wants, and when it comes to him, Da On would always concede to. Tae Kyung knows that Da On spoils him and wasn’t afraid to use it against the latter.
So when Da On placed his pencil and tilted his body to be facing more of Tae Kyung, Tae Kyung took a deep breath before letting out whatever was bothering him.
“I’m upset at you,” Tae Kyung admitted as he lifted up Da On’s arm that remained in his grip, baring the bracelet-less wrist, “the bracelet. You said you’d wear it every day.”
His tone wasn’t accusatory. Tae Kyung would never accuse him of something. It was a matter a fact and Da On felt terrible for not keeping to his words but he knows if he explained himself, Tae Kyung would understand.
Da On breathed out, ready to explain what happened, “the thing is -“
But Tae Kyung wasn’t done talking. He should have known that he wasn’t done when the latter continued to talk over him as though Da On didn’t say a thing.
“You once told me that you can never refuse anyone.”
Da On looks down guiltily because remembers, once upon a time ago when he and Tae Kyung first started to spend more time together and were learning more about each other. A character flaw that Da On admitted to when Tae Kyung caught him being overworked and overstretched his time with everyone else’s demands.
“You give them everything and you accept what they give you too.”
“Am I just one of those many people?”
Da On understood the hidden undertone of that statement, the insecurity in Tae Kyung’s question. It was a topic that has been a consistent in their relationship and each time they had the talk, Da On thought he has gotten better at proving his feelings to his boyfriend. He said he will get better.
“Were you not sincere with me all these while?” Tae Kyung quietly asked.
But he guessed it wasn’t good enough if they are still circling back to this conversation. Just as Da On was about to confess about what he wanted to talk about and hopefully reassure his boyfriend of his feelings, the council door swung open with his name being called. “Ya Shin Da On.”
The two classmates that were bothering him earlier this morning, were now standing by the door, stunned in silence.
Both Tae Kyung and Da On jumped from their seat at the sudden intrusion but other than that, made no other movement. Da On glanced between his classmates and Tae Kyung who still had a grip on his arm. The same fear from this morning came creeping and without a second thought, Da On forcibly pulled his arm back.
It was the look of hurt that made Da On realized he had just made a terrible mistake but the fear of getting caught made him frozen in his seat, not being able to do or say anything. The earlier feeling of panic and anxious began to rise back in Da On as Da On shifted his eyes between Tae Kyung’s hurt look to his classmates’ look of disbelief. When it was clear that Da On wasn’t going to say anything, they both awkward stuttered out an apology before quickly leaving the council room. Da On stared at the door before shifting his eyes to his boyfriend whose eyes were now crestfallen.
“I guess I have your answer then,” Tae Kyung softly said but in the quiet classroom, those words could have not been said any louder for Da On to here.
“It’s not that Tae Kyung-ah,” Da On hurriedly denied, clear panic in his voice but it was useless, Tae Kyung was already packing his things.
“I’m going to go.” Tae Kyung stood up from his seat and picked up his bag, absolutely refusing to make any eye contact with Da On.
“Please don’t go,” he desperately pleaded as he reached out and grabbed Tae Kyung’s arm hoping it was enough for him to stay, “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“I know,” Tae Kyung said when he finally looked at Da On. Gone were the traces of hurt and disappointment on his face, only to be filled with pure sadness that Tae Kyung clearly tried to mask, “it’s not your fault.”
“It’s mine.”
Tae Kyung looked at the hand that was gripping tightly, holding him back from leaving.
Please don’t go Tae Kyung. Stay here. We can talk. We need to talk. Those were the words that were running through Da On’s mind that he wished he could say it out loud but as though he lost control over his body, Da On can only watch dumbly as Tae Kyung’s removed his arm from his.
“I guess I loved you more than what you were willing to accept.”
Da On’s breath hitched the moment the words were out and he knew that the right move know was to stop his boyfriend from leaving, to beg him to stay, to listen but he couldn’t. Not after the look of hurt and rejection on Tae Kyung when he reacted negatively towards him in front of his classmates. His guilt refused to allow him to do anything but stay in his seat as Tae Kyung finally took his leave, leaving Da On alone in the council room. Tears of frustration soon began to prick his eyes as he laid his down onto his desk, burying his face into the crook of his elbow. He doesn’t know how long he stayed in this position but when the security guard knocked on the door, asking him to pack up and go home, Da On knew it must have been awhile.
He mumbled a half hearted apology and slowly packed his things up. He glanced at the canvas tube laying on the chair beside him and let out a sigh. Today was simply a horrible day for Da On. He picked up the tube and the rest of his things and made his way out of the council room.
After all that emotions Da On went through, now he feels nothing but numbness. He was tired of feeling and right now, all he wants to do is go home and crawl in his bed and sleep. He doesn’t want to think anymore. He doesn’t want to feel anymore. Da On is just tired of everything. He tucked his hands into his pocket and felt something in his pocket. He wrapped his fingers around the item and pulled it out.
It was Tae Kyung’s bracelet. It was funny how just this morning, he was able to look at the bracelet with fond memories which give him giddy feelings but now… Da On gently stroke the charm of the bracelet as remembered that this was also the cause of everything that happened today. His classmates making insensitive remarks about his sexuality to Tae Kyung being upset. He clenched the bracelet in his hand and let out what could have been the nth sigh today. While he was still juggling in his mind if he should just head home and give each other space or if he should go and find Tae Kyung instead, Da On felt his phone vibrate in his other pocket.
He didn’t want to answer the call but before he could stop himself, as if on autopilot, Da On accepted the call and placed his phone on his ear
He wished he didn’t. He genuinely wish he didn’t pick up the call which lead to this moment right now, with Da On opening his class chat that suddenly had over a hundred unread text. It was the very first text that made all the blood drained from his face, his hand shaking slightly. His phone continued to vibrate endlessly as more people began to chime in their thoughts on the first message. But Da On couldn’t focus on anything else but the first text.
This was it. His life is over.