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She knows before she’s even fully awake that she’s going to be met with a dark room.
That the bed will be empty beside her.
That the silence of the apartment will do little to soothe her.
So when her body finally jolts awake, sweat dripping down her forehead and matting her hair together, her hands trembling as she tries to hold the comforter close, she isn’t afraid to let out the strangled cry that she feels forming in her throat.
Noah is at Amanda’s for the night and she’s never been more thankful for sleepovers.
Except that it means she’s alone, completely alone, and sometimes, that’s even worse.
She takes a few deep breaths, hoping it will help ground her and bring her back down, but it does little to help.
And she knows damn good and well that getting her legs to function is a completely preposterous idea.
So she does the only thing she can think of.
She grabs her phone and calls the name at the top of her recent call list.
It rings once, twice, and then the voice on the other end answers.
“Liv?” She closes her eyes as she silently pleads for him to be able to read her mind.
They’ve always been able to do it, and Lord knows since he’s come back that they’ve become even more in tune, if that was even possible.
“El…” She can’t get any more words out, instead a sob leaves her lips and she instantly feels pathetic.
Calling on him like this in the middle of the night all because she had a bad dream.
What was she? Seven?
“I’ll be right over.” The line goes dead and she knows it’s probably for the best.
No need for him to listen to her crying on the other end.
She takes another deep breath as she drops the phone to the bed beside her, her body sinking back against the pillows as she screws her eyes shut and clutches the blanket even tighter.
Olivia doesn’t even know how much or how little time goes by, but eventually she hears the door to her apartment open and she lets out a breath.
She was officially never more thankful that Fin had given Elliot a key.
“It’s just me, Liv.” He pushes the bedroom door open slowly, crossing the threshold until he’s standing before her.
He’s wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and she can tell that he literally rolled out of bed and came straight here.
Something inside her flutters.
And then he’s beside her, sitting on the edge of the bed as he reaches for her, tugging her into his arms slowly.
“I’m here.” He presses his lips against her ear and she finds herself practically crawling into his lap. “It’s okay Liv.”
She hates being this vulnerable, and if he had been anyone else, she would have scolded herself for breaking like this.
But he’s not someone else, he’s Elliot, and he’s the only person she’d ever dare to let see her fall apart.
“It was just…” She wrapped her arms around his neck as he slowly lowered them so they were laying down, tucking her against his chest as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“You don’t have to tell me.” He repeats the words he’s told her over and over again when it comes to Lewis and Noah and everything that has happened over the past ten years.
He never demands she speaks about them, just simply makes his presence known when he knows she’s thinking about it all.
“Okay.” Which is a good thing, because she doesn’t think she could make words happen right now even if she wanted to. “Stay?”
She’s clinging to him for dear life and she probably looks ridiculous, tear stains on her cheeks, hair a mess against her pillow, but she doesn’t care.
The only thing keeping her grounded right now is him.
“Always.” He presses another kiss to her forehead as he slowly starts to rub circles on her back, offering her soft shushes as he holds her tight.
She doesn’t know how long they lay like that, on top of the covers, him fully clothed and the light from the hallway illuminating the room to an almost point of discomfort.
But when she feels him shift beside her she lets out a sigh.
“I need a shower.” The whispered confession causes him to chuckle softly, and then his eyes are locking with hers as he smiles.
“Go. I’ll change the sheets and make you some tea.” Years ago she used to let her mind wander to what things would be like if he ever returned to her, if she ever got to see him again, and she had always thought about moments like these.
But she had quickly shaken them off.
Because he was gone and he was never coming back and she had to learn to live with that.
Except, he did come back and now he was eating dinner at her kitchen table multiple times a week and their sons chased each other through the park begging for five more minutes of soccer practice.
His daughters had become regular fixtures in her life, complete with nail appointments, lunch dates, and road trips to the sketchiest little antique stores Maureen seemed to be able to find.
He slept in her bed more often than not these days too, and Ayana and Fin and Rollins and Carisi and probably everyone they knew didn’t quite understand why they were still living in separate apartments.
If you asked her, she didn’t know why either.
His hands smoothing the hair back off her face and out of her eyes broke her from her thoughts and she swallowed as she watched him settle his palm against her cheek.
“You good?” She didn’t know if she would ever reach a point in her life where she would ever get there, but she was trying, and so was he, and that was all that mattered.
“Getting there.” Because the bad dreams were slowly being replaced by the good dreams.
“I’m always here if you need me.” He had whispered those words to her multiple times over the past six months, and even though it had taken her a while to believe them, she had finally let them become something that held her upright.
“Yeah?” He smirked at her as he leaned in, his lips brushing hers lightly before he let their foreheads touch.
“Yeah.” She nodded her head as she let out a breath, her body finally relaxing into his as she wrapped her arms around him and held him close.
All the dreams that she had ever had of him returning home had never ended as well as the reality of him coming home had.
And the reality was certainly more important.