Work Text:
December 24th, 1684
She must be very careful, or people will talk. But oh, how can one be careful when one is excited and nervous as she is? She finds Sarah, her Sarah, talking with some stranger. The man is handsome, it is undeniable, and Anne is trying all her mightiest not to have the lord sent to the tower. They are flirting, and even though she knows she has Sarah’s heart, her face crumbles a bit. Enough for Sarah to notice, apparently, even from such a distance. She does not look back on the man twice. Walking rapidly towards her, she curtsies for the briefest of time.
«Your royal highness.» Anne wants to be stern, to sound offended, but the playful smile Sarah’s giving her, and the giddiness of her own mood cut the play shortly.
«I-I need to speak with you. Privately.» Sarah quirks up an eyebrow. «Now? With all the people watching?» Anne starts to fidget. Sarah notices. She always does.
«Alright, but it better be quick, Mrs. Morley.» Her whispered pet name works wonders, making her smile again. In her own heart Sarah finds the smile of her lover endearing, but her pride will not allow her to show, let alone mention, such a thing. She knows her eyes have softened, though.
As they arrive in one of the many libraries, Sarah closes the door.
«So, what were you so eager to tell me Anne? » Anne is fidgeting again. Sarah waits patiently, until the princess takes one of her hands. «I’m going to be a mother.»
Sarah’s just stares dumbfounded into her eyes. For nearly the first time in her life, she is at loss for words. Her Anne, a mother.
«Are you not happy? » Asks Anne, almost pleading.
“She’s not happy. How could she? You are so very stupid, Anne. That is the prove of the involvement with your husband. My God, I am a fool, just as everyone says.”
But then-
«My sweet, sweet Anne, of course I’m happy. You are going to have a child. I’m so happy. »
She takes Anne’s face in her hands, softly kissing her lovely lips.
«I’m so relieved that you are happy, -Anne giggles- for a moment I thought…» She trails off, leaving the rest of her speech unspoken.
«Never, Anne. After all, this baby is a part of you. I love the mother, why should the child receive a different treatment?» Anne may burst into tears. She has never loved the woman in front of her more than at present, and an “Oh” is all that she manages to answer.
«In a better world, she would probably be ours.» Sarah whispers in Anne’s ear, while they are closed into each other’s arms.
«I-I already think of the baby as ours. That is why you are the first to know. I know it might be foolish but-»
She is interrupted by another kiss. «It’s not foolish. It may be sickeningly sweet, which it is, but I will be gladly part of this nauseating sweetness.»
They kiss again, and Sarah is not entirely sure that she will be able to keep her hands off her for the rest of the evening.
«She, uh? How do you know it will be a girl? » Anne’s teasing tugs gently at Sarah’s heart. The corners of her lips turn up against her will.
«Oh, hush you! »
Anne laughs in her lover’s embrace.
-
A few months later it all ends in blood, soiled sheets, and broken hearts, as Sarah and Anne cry over their lost little girl.
16th August 1691
She cannot help but smile. William is in Sarah’s arms. He is happy. He is alive. Sarah’s tickling the boy. His giggles can be heard all over the room.
«Have you been a good boy for mama? » The child nods eagerly.
«Mama. » He says, pointing with his tiny fingers at Anne, currently seated at her desk.
«Yes William, that’s mama. And who am I? »
He smiles, grasping her cheeks with his hands.
«Tie! »
«Yes William, auntie. Can you say auntie? A-U-N-T-I-E. ».
He shakes his head, touching her nose.
«Atie! »
«Well done, William! Don’t you think Sarah? »
«Oh yes, he’s a very clever boy. Aren’t you William? »
She hoists him on her shoulder, mimicking a horse’s canter, while the child screams with delight.
«He’ll make a wonderful horseman when he’s older. He sits so straight Sarah! Next time you should take him on your Wednesday rides, he’d enjoy it so much, and he’d probably be so much better than me anyway. »
They go on for a bit. William’s cries of joy are echoing in the room, while Sara and Anne just smile at the boy’s happiness. While Anne’s smile is carefree, though, Sarah’s is not. She loves that dear boy so much, as if he were her own.
“He is my own, she thinks bitterly, in another world, a fairer one, he’d be rightfully ours”.
But she knows that there is something wrong with him: he is two years old, and he barely talks. He says only two words, mama, and “tie”. It cannot be normal. And while she could not be prouder, more elated, that she has been William second, and last, at least until now, word, beating even “papa”, she is worried. She knows that the court talks. Every stumble, every crisis, every stutter he goes through is frowned and commented upon. She would like to have all of them hung, drowned, and quartered. She dreams of it quite a lot.
«Mama, Mama, Mama. »
She feels William launching himself towards his mother, who is waiting for him with open arms. Carefully, to not make him fall, she takes him in her arms, passing the toddler to her lover. Sarah watches William resting his head on his mother’s shoulder, as Anne slowly strokes his hair.
She kisses Anne on her forehead.
«I love you. The both of you. So much. »
Before Anne can reply, a sleepy little voice speaks instead.
«Love you. »
-
«Auntie. » William’s voice is pained, and he speaks with great difficulty. Everything hurts.
«Do not speak son. You must save your strength. »
«I’m dying auntie. »
«Do not even say such a thing William, you-»
He interrupts her.
«I may not be the brightest boy on earth, but please, I’m no fool. You never lied to me, Auntie. Don’t start now.»
«Alright my boy.»
«Please make mama happy again. I think only you can do it.»
Sarah looks at Anne. She did not want to sleep, but Sarah had forced her. She did not even have the strength to fight.
«I will.»
She strokes his hair as they used to do when he was a little child.
«It hurts Auntie.»
«I know, sweet one, I know.»
-
It has been five hours since he died. Anne has yet to let go of his body. Even Sarah was met by a snarl when she tried to pull her from him. So, she stands quietly by the bed, silently mourning her little boy.
3rd October 1704
He wonders if all the palace can hear their screams. The footman outside Queen Anne’s chamber awkwardly shifts on his feet. He cannot really understand what they are saying, but they must be very angry to shout their lungs out in such a manner.
Behind the doors, Sarah is about to be accused of high treason: after all, she is only seconds away from hitting her Majesty.
«They’re rabbits, Anne. Fucking rabbits. Animals, for God’s sake.»
The queen shakes her head, tears starting to pool in her eyes.
«Sarah please-»
«It’s macabre, Anne. It’s sick.»
«It helps me, Sarah. They’re my children.»
The duchess is furious.
«Really Anne? Tell me, do you have a George in there? A Mary? Perhaps a William? You weren’t satisfied with the last one, thought about getting another?»
«Don’t you dare Sarah! He was my son. How can you even understand?»
The world stops. Anne realises what she said, covering her mouth in horror. She went too far.
Sarah’s fury is totally dissipated. She feels nothing.
«Of course- she murmurs coldly- how can I understand. Forgive me your Majesty, I’ll leave you to mourn your children.»
She storms out of the room while Anne pleads her to come back, begging for her forgiveness.
She does not stop.
-
That night, after tears and tears have been shed, she hears the door open. Anne is there, a candle in her hand, distraught, sobbing lightly.
«Please Sarah-»
She will not look at her. Seeing her so broken would undo her will. Anne needs to understand how deeply she has hurt her. «
I was the first one to know you were pregnant. Not your sister, nor your husband. Me. Remember? You said that that child was ours.»
«I remember Sarah, I beg-»
«I was the one who read stories to Mary, remember? “She loves your voice darling. Even when she was in my womb, you could always calm her”, and little Anne. You would tease me mercilessly because I never put her down. But she looked so much like you. I couldn’t bear to be parted from her.»
She can hear Anne’s crying.
“Good.”
«And my dear William. I was there for his first steps. I held him with you during his crisis. I was the one who taught him to ride. I was his second word. He died in your arms, but I was in his bedchamber, with you. And Anne, I could go on. Didn’t I feel every kick, every flutter in your stomach? Didn’t I hold in my arms every single one of them, even the ones that were no bigger than my hand?»
Her bed shifts, and Anne encircles her with her arms.
«Of course, you did, my love. Please forgive me. I did not mean it. They were yours just as much as they were mine.»
Sarah turns, looking at her.
«Why did you say it then?»
« I think I wanted to hurt you. You see Sarah, I know I must sound like a mental person, but those rabbits help. Taking care of them, it gives me some sort of…contentment, I suppose. It hurts a bit less. »
Sarah sighs.
«Ok then. I will not part you. But Anne, do not make me pet them again. Or talk to them. And please, do not ever call them “ours” again. It’s too much.»
Anne’s nods.
«Am I forgiven? » She whispers hopefully, her eyes glistening in the dark.
Sarah smiles softly at her.
«Yes, my dearest one. And Anne? I-I am sorry too. I acted like a cunt. Forgive me? »
Anne reaches for Sarah’s lips, kissing her lips gently.
«How could I not?»
-
After making love for hours and hours, Sarah’s head ends up on Anne’s breast.