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Ranboo’s feet pounded on the slippery ground away from the looming structure. The rain was pouring from the sky in sheets; burning his skin as he kept going. Going. Because if he stopped, he would face a pain far worse than the rain that traces paths down his skin. He choked back a sob and felt his throat ablaze with pure and raw emotion. Sirens wailed and bit at his ears until he was filled with an unbearable ebbing and flowing sound. His feet kept running. Tommy was gone, he disappeared in the chaos of the explosion. Friend and Ghostbur had vanished long before. And Tubbo-- Tubbo.
Tubbo was stumbling ahead of him, clothes drenched and stuck to his skin. He was covered in ash and blood and dirt that all melded together into a blinding second skin. The ground was torn and ragged; wounds stretching along the field as if a monster had rampaged through. A permanent mark of the failure they created. He could hear him-- Sam coming closer and closer. His footsteps rang out with the weight of consequence. The sky was dark and grey and covered in a layer of impenetrable ash and smoke. Ranboo slipped, chin hitting the ground with a thunderous crash. Ringing in his ears, he pushed himself up and kept going. He had to keep running and moving to keep up with Tubbo. Tubbo, who was trembling as he struggled to keep moving. His hands strained and trembled against the unforgiving cold of the night and rain.
Thunder boomed overhead as lightning shot across the sky. The earth seemed to stretch infinitely in front of them as they ran desperately from somewhere to nowhere. Tubbo struggled harder and harder; his movements slowed till they seemed unnatural. All Ranboo could do was watch helplessly through blurred eyes as he collapsed before him. He crumbled like the walls they tore apart. The walls that crumpled like a giant’s plaything, churning rocks through the air with deadly intent. Ranboo gasped and slumped at Tubbo’s side. Tears poured over his face without reservation. He shook Tubbo but he would not move. They shivered in the cold and wet and filth and could do nothing but to watch the destruction they created together. The noise around him faded into a dull indistinguishable roar in his ear. I’m sorry.
He gently placed a hand on Tubbo’s shoulder and pulled him into his lap. Tubbo’s eyes were wide as he stared at Ranboo. And all he saw was fear. Petrifying fear. Ranboo could feel him shaking as if he was going to shatter at the core and disperse into a thousand pieces. Tubbo clutched at his sleeve as if he was grasping for a chance to stay alive. Clinging for any piece of hope. All Ranboo could do was stare. To stare and pull him closer.
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I feel him in my arms as the world collapses in on itself
Soaked to the bones, I do not mind
He is warm
The core of my passion the fuel for my being
The driving rain pays no heed to our entangled bodies
Drenched in mud and filth and the ashes of our mistakes
I see him and I understand what it is to be hopeless
To be frightened and alone
He clings to me with the same quiet desperation of a child
Scared in the dark clinging to a pillow in a fruitless attempt to keep the monsters at bay
I feel him in my arms
His heart racing hand shaking lips numb from the cold
Blood and rain mix in a helpless slowdance down his cheek
Reminding me of a quieter time a more beautiful time
In the golden warmth of our home
With him I am still home now but it does not feel it
Home is waiting for us it is still there
With a fire blazing in the hearth and fresh bread upon the table
I want nothing more than to bring him there
I want nothing more than for him to move
Desperately more than anything I feel like we are nothing but rabbits in a trap waiting for the hounds to come but surely there is more that can be done
Surely
The pounding steps of the hunter draws closer to us
With every inch we move back He seems to take a mile forward
Us sludging through the mud desperately looking for a rabbit hole to our home
Summoned by our fear and driven by disparity these are the acts of a broken man with no more to do than to act upon his instinct
I cannot blame Him for what He is doing
Not after what He has seen
What He has done
The warden knows no mercy for good reason
Hardened by grief, betrayed by many He deserves a better life
I draw a shaky breath and pull him closer
The one I have come to know so well
I see the light in his eyes, the spark that captivates me
A light that shines through the fractured darkness of his terror
Alone like a firefly awash in a storm
Beating fruitlessly against the wind
Fighting
Until it falls into the sea
I cling to him tightly for that is all I can do
In the face of our consequences all we can do is pray for the mercy of the hand that bears the sword
But I do not think this hand will be so merciful
It is cruel and hardened by the betrayal of others
Punished through its own volition and driven to a cold unfeeling despair
I do not pity it
What more can I do for him
I draw him closer
A selfish attempt to soothe his troubles
I couldn't help but notice how we fit together as he fell out of my arms
It would be cruel to see him die
To feel his life drain into my arms and skin
Burning me as it falls
Scarring weeping paths of anguish upon me
Permanently searing the patterns of his death onto my being
A constant reminder of my failures
No
I cannot stand to see him die
Not here not now
If I were to see him I believe I would lose more than my life I would lose my will to live
He is so close so near
I can feel his heartbeat like a frightened rabbit
Though it is filled with terror it still beats strong
My pillar
I cannot stand to lose him
The warden looms above us
I cannot see his face but I know it is lined with anguish
The consequences he must instill are far heavier than the sword he wields to deliver them
Glinting in the moonlight he appears a shining titan
A fiery archangel of the night
His hand is raised
Trembling
Cursed with the knowledge of what it must do
As it is cursed with anger I am cursed with an awful cowardice
As the blade descends I ascend against it
I couldn’t stand to feel him
I couldn’t stand to see him
Not in these last moments
I stare into his eyes- tears burning in a roaring hellfire down my face
They widen into chasms before me
My arms shake desperately as I try to protect him
I would give anything to do that
To send him home
To pretend this was all a dream
A sick twisted nightmare
I would give anything to provide him comfort in this moment
I
I
Am
Warm again
His eyes scream his mouth screams the world is screaming and there are so many colors whirling about I cannot see them all or begin to understand all I know is that I am warm so warm again and the fires blazing behind and the sirens in the air meld into a hellish cacophony
His hands grip me as my arms begin to tremble
My muscles have melted into a molten lead and every moment feels like an eternity
His eyes are haunting
The world is ending in a flurry of fire and all I can see are his eyes
His eyes
The soft smell of the earth envelops me as I fall
Our fingertips connect our heartbeat
A final connection of life to cement the finality of a death
I don't feel when it happens
Drips of my blood fall slowly
Mesmerizing
Akin to the rain they water the ground
Extinguishing one life to feed another
My arms begin to tremble as I feel my strength fade
His mouth stretches into a scream
Tearing out his lungs in a violent rapture to the cruel gods above
My throat closes
Guilt sticking obstinately to the sides of my throat
How could I do this to someone I care so deeply about
To think
I thought this would spare him pain
That I acted out of a selfless sacrifice
No this was the cruelest torture I could have wished upon him
One that I was ultimately unwilling to bear
This. this--
I fall
Collapsing inward infinitely
A dull roar overpowering my senses
I see him screaming over and over but I cannot comprehend what he is saying
No
no no
I cannot fade
The rain still burns tracks of holy penance onto my skin
Pulling my focus to the razor’s edge
This is a fitting pain for my selfish deeds
The wound I bear is nothing but a dull empty ache
It presses on my lungs like a thousand stones
I feel the hunter try to pull me off
To finish his job
His prey
A friend turned enemy in our most desperate hour of need
But I can’t. Not yet.
I have to protect him
The slightest penance for the atrocity I have committed
But my arms are numb and I do not have the strength to resist
Each breath is a labor
Air that once came readily now seems to escape my grasp
A rough hand grabs my shoulder and pushes me to the side
I feel the absence of his warmth like a void
Compounding onto the numb depths of my core, it pulls me under to a darkness I have never seen before
I am staring at the sky
I do not know when it happened, but I am no longer staring at him
His face is already slipping beginning to lose its form in my memory
I cannot bear it
The one thing I swore to protect
The one person I never wanted to forget
And I am losing him
The once frigid mud now feels cooling on my feverish skin
My vision blurs, spots dancing like stars on a clear summer night
This is how I will go
Not in the peace of my home
Not with the glory of a battlefield
Drenched
In the cold rain and mud
Hunted like an animal and left to die
And as I lie in the burning snow I realize that I have fallen in love with living as fast as I am falling out of it