Work Text:
I Can’t Put My Mind To Rest
A/N: I’ve been doing a lot of reading, but not commenting lately. I apologize for that. I promise I’m checking out everyone’s work. It’s just really hard for me to put my thoughts into words sometimes, especially when my scatterbrain has to juggle school and extracurriculars as well. That’s a bit of something you’ll see in this fic, actually. I hope you like it, even if it doesn’t make much sense sometimes. Written to the instrumental track of “Five” by Sleeping At Last. <3
~~~
I think of you whenever I look up at the stars.
There’s an unimaginable and infinite amount of bright and wonderful things before my eyes. I can’t explain most of them, and, really, I don’t want to. That mystery, that thrill of being able to imagine and try to solve your puzzle? That’s something I don’t ever want to lose. We’ve known each other for a very long time, and we know each other better than anyone else. And yet… There are always new things to discover about you that make me feel that childlike wonder again, new things that bring the biggest of smiles to my face.
You have a soul that shines brighter than the sun, than the largest and most brilliant of stars. No matter how dark life gets, it always shines bright enough to remind me that there’s good in the world, that there’s hope. That I’m not alone, that you’re always going to be there for me, even if it feels like you’re a world away. It’s pure and youthful and charming and absolutely wonderful, and I dearly hope that never changes.
Your name is tattooed across my heart like constellations are written across the sky. Ever present, a lasting and awe-inspiring reminder of your beautiful and unreal presence in my life. A prayer whispered with every heartbeat, every thought of you, every time I call out to you in my lightest and darkest of moments. A promise of our love, of the two of us being one, of a future full of happiness and time reminding each other why every day together is a gift.
Kota Ibushi.
My golden star. My soulmate. My other half.
Whenever we come back together, it feels like time slips right through our fingers, and we’re apart again. The world is determined to keep us that way for now, but I’m even more determined to see you again, to hold you again, kiss you again, say your name again, and hear you say mine. I’m determined to look into your beautiful eyes and see over a decade of the best years of my life looking back. I’m determined to feel that familiar spark at your gentle touch and remember all of the intimate moments we spent together. I’m determined to make sure this is the last time we’ll ever have to say, “Goodbye for now.”
I want to wake up next to you again. I want to lay in bed with you and listen to your strong and steady heartbeat. I want to spar with you in the ring again, each movement feeling like it’s meant to be, delicate and dangerous and dancelike. I want to talk to you about everything and nothing, into the late hours of the night and the early hours of the morning. I want to listen to your laugh echo through the air, see your smile light up a room, feel your lips and your body against mine like it’s our last day on Earth…
I’m always thinking about you.
Are you still thinking about me?
Have you forgotten about me after so long? The way my voice sounds, the way it feels to hold my hand in yours, the way it feels to be whole? Do you feel like the most important part of you is missing too? Does that hole in your heart ache and bleed and throb and fester too? Do you feel as lost as I do some days? Like the only thing tethering your sanity to your being is the thought of the person you love and cherish and miss most? Do I still have meaning in your life? Do you still remember me?
Am I wrong to wait for you? Am I kidding myself, thinking that you’ll welcome me back into your life with open arms the next time we see each other? Will you still look at me the same when you realize what I’ve become? Will you scorn me, shove me, shut me out? Will you leave me? Will you understand why I did what I did? And if you don’t, would you listen if I tried to explain? Will you still see the best in me when I can’t anymore? Will you still choose me even if I try to push you away to protect you?
Will you help me try to put the shards of my psyche back together?
My mind never stops, never organizes my thoughts. I try to make sense of things. I try to sort out what I’m feeling, thinking, seeing, hearing, sensing. But it all rushes through me faster than I can process. And what starts out as something that makes sense goes off the rails, until I don’t even remember what I was getting at in the first place. Stream of consciousness is a strange thing.
I’m a mess, I know. Always have been. Probably always will be. You find that mess adorable and sweet. I find it frustrating and sad. But you helped me start to think otherwise. I’m falling back into old patterns again. But when I think of you the pattern gets interrupted, and I briefly consider that I might not be a horrible person after all.
It’s hard to tell who or what I am anymore. I always have to be something else for someone else, because just being me isn’t good enough for anyone. Anyone but you. You only ever ask for me to be me, to be genuine and real and open and honest. And you give me the same in return. Everyone around me is pretending to be someone they’re not, and it’s suffocating and stifling. I miss how things used to be, when we could all just be ourselves and not give a fuck what the world thought.
I miss you.
I need you.
I know you’ll never read this. I know I’m just journaling so that when my brain feels like a wrung sponge I’ll be able to fall into something resembling sleep. I don’t get much of that anymore these days either. With you, it was never hard. But nowadays I just lie awake in bed until I get too restless to stay there. I’ll go over to the balcony, or I’ll open the window, or go out in the parking lot of the hotel, and I’ll stare up at the sky. I’ll think of you. I’ll let myself cry where no one can see or hear me, until I’m too exhausted and my eyes are dry and I can’t breathe through my nose and I feel more empty and tired than restless. That’s when I can go back to bed and drift off. And then this whole mad cycle begins anew, as it does.
I think I’ll wrap it up here. I’ll wake up tomorrow, reread all of this, and not follow or understand half of it. That’s usually how these go. Not that I mind. Better all of my craziness go into these pages than sit in my head. I was trying to be poetic and sweet at the beginning. Could you tell? I had this whole idea in my head before I remembered you wouldn’t understand these words if you ever saw them. I wish I had the energy to write in Japanese. I’d write you so many letters. It’s been too long, and I could use the challenge to brush up on my kanji.
But for now, I must bid you adieu. So goodbye (smooch), and goodnight.
I love you.
~~~
Kenny ended the journal entry there, letting out a long sigh as he looked out of the window of the car he, the Bucks, and Don were all riding in. The Bucks were up front, Don two seats over in the back. He had the journal angled just enough so Don couldn’t read what he was writing. The man in question looked up at his sign of life, smiling genuinely, but with a dangerous edge that always had Kenny on alert, that he could never quite put his finger on.
“Has the champ decided to rejoin the land of the living?”
Kenny gave a small laugh, closing the journal and putting it and his pencil in a hidden pouch in his backpack. He nodded, and he caught the concerned look Nick was giving him in the rearview mirror, as well as the subtle throat clearing that Matt did. He gave the slightest of nods, and Nick fixed his eyes back on the road.
“Yeah. Just… Had a lot on my mind. Needed to get it all out, clear my head.”
“That’s good.”
Kenny could tell that Don would be asking him what he’d written later. He wouldn’t give him a truthful answer, something that he hated because he loved and trusted Don with a lot of things, just not this. Not Kota. He didn’t trust anyone with Kota except maybe the Bucks. But now wasn’t the best time to have them all distracted with everything going on. Kenny would just keep smiling, pretending it was just stress and a full plate occupying his mind. Not the one person he longed for more than anyone right now, the one person that could fix his world and make everything alright again just by being there. He looked back out the window with a wistful smile.
The stars were especially bright tonight.
Closing A/N: It’s been a while since I’ve had a closing notes! :) This was one of those cases where the song came on, an image popped into my head, and words just happened. Which is a lovely change of pace from the second (technically my third if you count band camp) week back on campus. I promise promise promise I’m trying to get back to normal writing, reviewing, etc. I’m sorry if I seem distant and quiet these days. Mental healthing, school, and adulting-kind-of is a delicate balance that I’ve somehow maintained without having a breakdown yet. Small victories. :)