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Sapnap was tired. He had been awake well past 1 am multiple nights in a row, last night included, and all he really wanted was a day to sleep past 7 am. But the universe was cruel to him in more ways than one.
Screams are what woke Sap from his slumber. Screams and the sound of a body hitting the floor cleared the drowsiness from his head. As soon as the thud sounded from the other side of the bed, Sap was jolting his body awake and scrambling to peer over at the man who was frantically scurrying towards the furthest wall. His chest constricted and he worked to keep frustration from lacing his voice. It would only scare Karl more.
Karl. His Karl. The man who was currently pressed up against the wall with his knees pulled to his chest and breaths coming out in rapid succession. Sap had dealt with this before, he knew what to do, but that didn’t make the hooks tearing his heart to shreds any duller. From previous experience, he found it was better to let Karl speak first. Which he did eventually.
“Who are you and where am I?”
There was feigned confidence behind the question. Sap had heard it plenty of times. Like when Karl assured him that playing horror games in the woods wouldn’t give him nightmares, or when Karl had told him that he would be ok by himself for a minute at Dream’s overly crowded birthday party. Sap knew Karl was scared even if he was putting on a brave face.
“I’m Sapnap. I’m Nick. This is our bedroom in our apartment.”
Karl’s eyebrows knit together and moisture welled along his waterline.
“No it’s not. Where’s Chris? How did you get me here?”
The dialogue is almost the same every time. Karl freaks out, asks who he is, denies anything told to him, asks for Chris, and accuses Sap of kidnapping or forcing him into his apartment. It’s the same every time and so is the crushing feeling Sap feels.
“Would you like to call Chris while I turn on some music?”
Sap is already reaching for Karl’s phone on his bedside table when the latter snatches it and holds it close to his chest as if Sapnap might try to confiscate it.
“I can do it. I don’t know you.”
Another hit to the heart.
Karl ended up calling Chris who calmed him down and convinced him to give Sapnap a chance. Karl was, of course, baffled that Chris would allow this man to kidnap him then recommend staying with him for longer. But he must have felt some familiarity, because he agreed and watched Sap’s every move closely.
Sap started to play some soft piano music which caused some of the tension to leave Karl. He knew that the man on the floor still didn’t remember who he was or why he was in their apartment, but Sap was content knowing that Karl wasn’t going to hyperventilate to death.
A few months ago the pair had gone into the doctors together for their yearly check ups. Karl had mentioned his increasing forgetfulness which wasn’t of too much concern to the doctor. He told them that Karl might be overworked and stressed which could cause him to forget more often. So the pair took the doctor's advice of making sure Karl had one day off a week, which he should have already been taking in Sap’s opinion. The days off were usually spent together lounging in bed or out in town. Everything was ok for a few weeks.
Then Karl had forgotten about Gravy, the cat they had bought together over a year ago.
“Sap? Why is there a cat in our house?”
Sapnap turned around from the stove where he was cooking breakfast to see Karl sat on the ground while Gravy rubbed up against his legs.
“Ha ha, very funny Jacobs. If you’re gonna goof around with the cat, at least feed him,” Sap said while turning back around to tend to his pancakes.
“Ok,” Karl stood and let the cat continue to circle his legs, “what do we have for him to eat?”
“I bought more cat food the other day. It’s where it normally is.”
“Why would you have bought cat food? When did you do that?”
At this point, Sap took his skillet off of the burner to step away from the stove and fully turn to face his boyfriend. Karl was looking at him with the corners of his mouth turned down.
“Ok Karl, this isn’t funny anymore. I bought cat food the last time we went to the store. Now please feed Gravy.”
Karl didn’t drop the act.
“You named him without me?”
Sap knew he wasn’t joking anymore.
After a return trip to the doctor, the only conclusion they could come up with was an extremely early case of early onset dementia. Karl was only 24.
Sap was bitter for a long time. The world gave him something as amazing as Karl then decided to pull a cruel joke and rip it from him. It was still a daily occurrence for Sap to curse the world on both him and Karl’s behalf, because most of the time Karl didn’t remember to, but they were both learning to live with their dilemma a little better.
Except for on days like these.
Even with assurance from Chris, a slight recognition, and Sap’s offer to leave the bedroom altogether, Karl would not budge from his spot against the wall.
“Please…baby…” Sap was pleading, he knew that wasn’t one of the strategies to calm down an individual with dementia, but he was desperate to lay down again with his boyfriend who remembered him and remembered their first date and remembered their cat.
“Don’t call me that, I have no idea who you are and I have no idea where I am.”
Karl, just like the past 30 minutes, was still pressed up against the wall opposite Sapnap. His eyes didn’t convey any recognition.
Sap couldn’t be strong at that moment anymore. He couldn’t be what Karl needed. He wiped his sleeve against his eyes and didn’t look or speak to Karl as he picked up his phone and locked himself in the bathroom.
It took 3 rings for Chris to answer.
“Hey Sap, are you ok?”
Chris had been a big support system for both him and Karl even though he had his own family to take care of. The man would help Karl calm down during some of his episodes and would also calm Sap when everything became too much.
“I can’t do this today. I need help. Please.”
“I’ll be over in 20.”
The phone beeped as Sap set it down on the counter and slid down the bathroom door. He wanted to fall back asleep. He wanted his dreams to give him back his lover. But sleep was elusive and evaded him when he wanted it the most.
It took less than 20 minutes for the front door to open. Chris had been given the spare key when they first moved in. Footsteps passed the bathroom and faded down the hallway. Sap let go of some tension. Chris was checking on Karl. Karl would feel safe once Chris was with him.
Karl didn’t feel safe with him.
He batted that thought away while he waited for the knock that eventually sounded on the bathroom door.
“Sap. Are you ok?”
“Yeah,” he replied. His voice came out more strained than he intended.
“Karl is in the living room. I think he’s remembering a few things.”
Sap didn’t say anything for a good few minutes. Every once in a while, a soft tap would wrap against the wood behind him, letting him know Chris was still there. He wiped his eyes and pulled himself together. Karl needed him, even if he didn’t remember that he did.
Chris was sat on the opposite side of the door and had to crane his neck up to look at Sap after he exited the bathroom.
“Is he calmer?”
Chris only nodded, pulling himself up off the ground.
“I think he’s starting to remember again. Come back to himself.”
Sap walked into the living room with Chris trailing behind him. Karl was sat down on the couch petting Gravy.
“Nick! When did we get this cat?”
Sap sighed and took the seat next to Karl. He’d recite the origins of the universe to the man sitting next to him if he had to. So he wasn’t so mad that right now all he had to do was remind him of when they got their cat.