Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your name is John Egbert, and you are tired. Not like the kind of tired you get after a long birthday party, nor the kind of tired you get from fighting off hordes of underlings (back when SBURB was still a major part of your life), nor the kind of tired you get after staying up a little too late playing video games and not talking to anyone.

You just woke up, and yet you are tired, and that means you are about to have a very long day. That’s fine, it’s nothing too unusual. You still need to get up though. Okay, Egbert, feet on the ground, out from the safety of your blanket cocoon, let’s go.

Your feet stubbornly refuse to budge. You don’t always get along with them, especially when it comes to waking up in the morning.

Alright, three, two, one, and...

There we go. You’ve already accomplished one thing today. That’s what you’re supposed to say when you wake up, right?

With a little godly flight, you manage to swing the rest of your body upright, and wobble slightly as your vision swims in that just-woke-up haze. Floating really is easier than walking, you decided years ago, back when you were still traveling on the ship. You’re not sure why Jake insists on walking, he is a member of the vaunted god tiers like you and your friends, but that definitely does not run in the family.

Speaking of friends and family...

You table that thought for later and float over to the bathroom. You still shave every day, of course, no matter how tired you are. Part of it is your upbringing, your father isn’t here to give his stern yet fatherly wisdom about being a grown man, so you stick to the shaving lessons he taught. It’s something small that you can do, to keep his memory alive. The other part of it is harder to define, but you feel pretty bad whenever you start growing too much stubble. It just puts you in a bad mood! No need to make your day worse by not shaving.

You lather up and study your face in the mirror. It’s not much of a face, you decide. Objectively some people could call it handsome, but you don’t really see it. You’re not the most attractive person in your friend group, and that’s okay with you! It’s not a major issue, you’ve accepted your status as the ugly duckling a long time ago. Besides, with friends like Rose or Kanaya or Terezi, or even Calliope in their own skeletal way, you’re always going to fall short by comparison. But you can, and will, shave. And that helps a lot in making you presentable, if only to yourself.

Wait, you got bogged down in thinking about shaving again, instead of actually shaving! Your Prankster’s Gambit against yourself ticks up another notch. Haha. Got him. You finish up, wash your face, and head downstairs. This will all be easier after a good meal.

Normally, you keep a lot of food in the house, it’s easier than going out. Given that you’re the “famous” Heir of Breath, it gets kinda hectic trying to sit down at a restaurant. Too many people who look at you way too much, it ruins everything. But you just ran out of good breakfast options yesterday, so cereal it is! Sure, you have that Crocker-branded pancake mix Jane gave you last year as a “free sample”, but you’ve never had a Betty Crocker product you’ve liked, and you’re not about to change that today! Even if the Batterwitch herself is no longer involved.

That being said...you haven’t seriously talked to Jane since your last birthday, when she gave you the pancake mix. Rose and Kanaya have been busy doing who-knows-what in their mansion, and even if she is one of your dearest friends, you really don’t want to know what kind of lesbian activities they’re up to! It’s just not your place! Vriska and Terezi are incomprehensible, you haven’t spoken to them in a while, and their shared apartment is a disaster so you don’t really think about going over there. Dave and Karkat should still be holed up in some house, trying to become social media moguls (or at least Dave was doing that, Karkat was mostly just an unwitting source of reaction videos.) Those two have a very stable relationship, even if Dave coming out as bi was a big surprise to you, but that doesn’t mean you really understand how they work together! And then Jade...you should call Jade more. She worries about you. How long has it been...

You flip through your phone. A month. A full month without texting or calling any of your friends. That’s not great, and you know full well how not-great that is. You’ve been on Earth C for a while, and you can get a little lost in your own head now that the game is done. Rose gave you a really stern talking-to a couple years ago, something about “depressive episodes” and “social isolation”, and you’re not that oblivious when you get down to self-improvement! You’ve been trying to get out of the house more, really! You just kinda forgot this time. For a month.

So then, you’re going to fix this “depressive episode”! You need to see your friends and talk to people and stuff! Maybe that will help you stop feeling so tired. Sometimes it makes you more tired but it is worth a shot! But who to talk to about this? Not Rose, she would give you this disappointed look and you really don’t want to disappoint Rose! Besides, her and Kanaya are pretty intimidating. So is Jade sometimes honestly! Dave and Karkat don’t get out any more than you do, Jane is busy with her business, Jake and Dirk are really not the people you rely on for this stuff...

Oh wait, what about Roxy? Must be a Void in your mind that she just stole. Wait, no, they, Roxy uses they pronouns now. Wake up, Egbrain! They had their whole coming out party last month, you were there! In fact, that might have been the last time you were out with any of your friends. You smack your forehead internally. God, Roxy must think you’re a total jerk now!

But they are really good at getting out there. Even if they don’t drink anymore (you didn’t ask for specifics, and they didn’t offer many), they definitely know how to throw a party, and they have lots of friends! More than you probably do at this point, with how bad of a friend you’ve been over the last month. That settles it! You finish your breakfast and send over a text. Hopefully, Roxy’s awake by now!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] has begun pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]! --

EB: hi roxy! sorry i didn’t talk to you for a month!
EB: i just wanted to say hi mostly.
TG: omg is this the blue boy himself john eb egbert
EB: um...yeah. who else would it be?
TG: wait holy shit
TG: did u ever realize that e and b is in your last name
TG: bc i didnt
EB: oh huh it is!
TG: so eg bert
TG: whats on your mind at ass o clock in the mornin
TG: i dont think you would just text me after a month of nothin if u didnt have some hot goss
EB: i do not know what hot goss is, roxy.
TG: its when the GOSS
TG: is HOT
TG: does that make more sense
EB: not really! but i think i understand.
EB: first of all, congrats again on coming out as non binary!
TG: just one word john
TG: its not trans gender either jsyk its one word
TG: also that happened last month but thanks on being a rad af ally anyway
EB: right, yeah, sorry. it was last month.
TG: whered you run off to after the party anyway
EB: that is actually what i wanted to talk to you about, roxy!
TG: oh okay cool
TG: then do the talky thing
TG: like idk if breath covers talky things but it should imo
EB: i kinda have not left my house since the party.
EB: which is not great, and i was hoping you might have some advice!
EB: because you are very cool and threw that party.
EB: maybe this wasn’t the smartest way of bringing this up.
TG: oh my god
TG: i was kinda wonderin what the deal with that was ngl
TG: well johnathan
TG: i am never calling you that again actually
TG: egbert my friend my livin windsock hood
EB: it’s a cool hood!
TG: u wanna get out of the house more often or is this just a woe is me sitch
TG: bc i am DONE with angsty boys in my dms
TG: no offense to the angsty boys but im so done with that
EB: i will keep my angst to myself then! i can just focus on the solutions, and not be an angsty boy.
TG: ty
EB: so yes, i want to get out of the house more.
EB: i don’t really know why i haven’t honestly, i just keep not thinking about it, and then it’s been a month since i talked to anyone.
TG: have u srsly not talked to dave in a month
TG: or jade or rose or anyone
EB: uh...
TG: shit john ill call a moratorium on the no angst in my dms for you
TG: just bc ur cool tho
EB: it’s not that bad roxy!
TG: with all due respect
TG: thats bullshit
TG: alright so its a code red emergency friendllegiance moment i getcha
TG: no worries tho ur talking to the best human friendleader out there
TG: i know exactly how to fix ur shit
EB: what’s friendllegiance?
TG: u no what its not important
TG: whats important is that im gonna get you some friendship bonding moments
EB: i can do it myself, i don’t want to make you work on my behalf!
TG: i reiterate
TG: bull and also shit
TG: ur okay tho ill get you some fun social interaction romps i prommy
TG: ive been meanin to get out of the house too so were in this together
TG: the two musketeers seeking out adventures of the friendship kind
TG: slaying bitches and wooing hot ppl
EB: roxy i don’t think dating is in the cards for me!
TG: rly
TG: the most eligible dude on earth three isnt actually on the market huh
TG: whos the lucky goose
EB: what? no i’m not dating anyone.
TG: f
TG: well thats not that important
TG: ive got my own irons in the fire to quote vriska
TG: aaaaaaaall of them irons its a big fire
TG: did u see the eight as i did for that
EB: roxy, please.
TG: rite yea im focusin
TG: give me a sec and ill get you some friend hangs ok
EB: that sounds great, roxy! i don’t know what i’d do without your help!
TG: be sad in your room probs
EB:
TG:
EB: i can’t really argue with that!
TG: ya lmao
TG: anyway hang tight

Chapter Text

You spin your chair back and away from your computer with a sigh, tossing your cat ear headphones on the desk as you think. John’s a good kid, you know that, but jeez. You thought he was just being weird about your gender and that’s why he went radio silent, but guess he was just dealing with his own anxieties, right? You are admittedly still tired of angsty boys, but John’s a good kid! And your goals, such as they are, happen to be aligned.

Look, you may be Roxy Lalonde, party royalty of Earth C (or Earth 3? Whatevs) and coolest kid on the planet (Dave tries, and you love him for it, but you’ve got him beat easily) but you’ve been kinda worrying about talking to your friends lately too. I mean, yeah, you can relate to what everyone was talking about now, and your ectodaughtermom/super rad friend Rose was really cool about all this stuff when you were questioning but like...

Ugh, you wanna hang out and talk about gender with your trans friends! They wouldn’t be weird about it, you know that, but it’s hard to reach out sometimes. Like you can’t just slide in the DMs and say “hey bestie lets watch movies and talk abt gender sometime”, right?

But John’s social woes give you the perfect opening! You can get him to go to some social events, make sure you’re at some of them, and then find the time to get trans tips from your mutual friends! Everyone wins! Besides, most of them are people John already knows and likes, so it’s no hassle at all. Honestly, it’s surprising that he’s one of the few cis dudes you hang with on the regular, he’s close with so many trans folks.

Alright, Rox, no need to overthink things. How do you wanna start this? Maybe just reach out to Rose? Or maybe Jade, those two are both thick as thieves with him, SBURB teammates stay close (You make a note on your computer to hang out with Janey again, she’s been busy but you’re still besties, right?). You’d say Dave but he’s been all cooped up with Karkat for ages, and you think he’s cis? Maybe. You never asked him in fairness, and you don’t really need to know, but y’know, for your own social schemes you might stick with the girls this time.

Or hell, why not go for the gold on this one? Why not just ask about this in the memo? You and the other trans gods who made it to Earth C have great memes after all, and getting added to the memo was a whole thing for your own coming out process. If anyone would know how to get John (and yourself, sneakily) out of the house, it’s them! You whirl back around, put your cat ear headphones back on, and start typing. You’re the Rogue, after all. It’s only natural to pull a sneaky maneuver like this.

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has renamed the memo to “EX-EGGS 4 EGBERTS”! --

TG: callin all gays we have a hetero in need
TG: i know its weird but trust me on this for a sec
GC: >:?
GC: WHY WOULD YOU BR1NG H3T3ROS3XU4L1TY 1NTO TH1S COURTROOM??
AG: Heterosexuality? In my memo???????? It’s less likely than you think.
TG: shhhh i said trust me on this
TG: theres a reason i swear
GT: Well mx lalonde spill the beans! Whats the matter with john that gets us involved in his affairs?
TG: SO i just got off the dms with john
TG: hes been self isolating and stuff idk the whole details
TG: maybe anxiety tho
TT: Ah, yes. John is known to have a history of distancing himself from his friends, especially in times of mental or emotional unease. I mustn’t say too much, despite this. I may not be his therapist, but doctor-patient confidentiality is unbreakable.
TT: But this is somewhat bad timing. I was just about to begin preparing the staging for my in-person analysis of Sappho’s lesser-known works in the queer canon.
TT: Do remember the dress code, Vriska.
AG: Fine, I’ll 8e there. No promises a8out my outfit 8eing immacul8 though!
TT: It will be. I can and will ensure that.
GC: D1TTO
GT: Was that meant to sound intimidating? Because it was! Im absolutely terrified and im not even the one being bullied!
AG: Fiiiiiiiine!
GG: i was wondering why john wasnt answering his texts...
TG: ya thats why so i have a plan
TG: we gotta get him a social life
TG: by being the coolest people and the best friends 5ever squad ofc
TG: like i said its the one time a straight dude is in need and we gotta help
GG: im in!!!
GT: Why thats a capital idea roxy! Im all for it. Someone has to show that fellow a good time after all!
TG: okay fuck yes
TG: any other takers bc im gonna help for sure
AG: So you need my help? I think I could make that happen for you. After all, I am gr8 at 8eing friendly!
GC: YOUR L4ST M3M3 1N TH3 M3MO B3GS TO D1FF3R
AG: I didn’t know you all needed a gore warning! 8esides, me and John get along very well these days.
AG: I’m sure I can think of something that can appease his weird little human fears.
GT: Do trolls not have social anxiety? I’d be chuffed to bits if so.
GC: NO W3 DO
GC: D3SP1T3 1F VR1SK4 B3L13V3S 1N 1T OR NOT
AG: You’re no fun!
GC: 1 H4VE TOLD YOU 4BOUT TH1S SO M4NY T1MES
GC: 1N TH1S VERY M3MO NO L3SS!!
GC: TH3 3V1D3NC3 ST4NDS >:]
TT: Please, Vriska. As you insist on showboating your desire to aid our dear friend, the days pass me by as passengers on buses do, each to a different destination.
TT: I am growing gaunt. And not exclusively because of Kanaya’s influence.
GG: nice one rose!!!
TT: I will frame my Jade Harley Seal of Comedic Approval over the fireplace, and treasure it eternally.
AG: Fine, alr8ght, I’ll shut up and help already! If only to st8p this inane 8ullshit.
GC: TH4NK YOU
GC: 1 LOVE YOU SO MUCH B4B3 BUT YOU 4CTU4LLY DO TH1S W4Y TOO OFT3N
AG: Yeah, I know. My 8ad, again.
GT: Youre quite alright vriska! Now that weve gotten back on the old rails after our excursion to that side conversation where were we again?
TG: mostly just trying to get all of you on board ngl
TG: itd be way easier with help
GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1LL H3LP
GC: TH1S ISNT THE F1RST T1ME 1 H3LP3D MR BLU3 R4SPB3RRY OUT OF 4 RUT
TT: And where will you be in this scheme of yours, Roxy?
TG: im the liaison duh
TG: i invite john to whatever stuff we plan and then go with
TT: Interesting. And I suppose the idea that he could have just reached out himself didn’t cross your mind, did it? I suspect you have some ulterior motives.
TT: Not in a negative connotation, of course. But could it be that you wanted to get out of the house yourself? You certainly could have just said so.
GG: i think john sometimes has issues responding to texts though!!!
GG: he didnt respond to mine for a month
TT: That is true, Jade. Perhaps I was hoping for too much from his self-improvement. I do worry about his mental state sometimes.
TG: tbh youre both right
TT: I had a feeling.
TG: yea i mean
TG: john rly does need the social stuff and i did have this plan
TG: and yknow maybe i wanna hang out with you all too sometime
TG: those can both happen
TT: Of course, Roxy, I would be honored to spend more time with you. If I’m being entirely honest, I have been meaning to ask you the same. It really does pay to have a support network when undergoing any major upheaval, and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I would be happy to help.
GC: OH
GC: TH1S 1S 4 G3ND3R TH1NG 1SNT 1T
TG: uh
GC: Y34H 1T 1S
GC: W3LL MX BUBBL3GUM T3XT 1 D3F1N1T3LY W4NT TO SW4P G3ND3R T1PS SOM3T1ME >:]
TG: o thank god i was kinda freakin out for a sec
GC: NO F34R ONLY G3ND3R NOW
GT: Well thats no hassle at all is it? Of course id love to help out with your gender related woes or queries!
GG: yeah same!!! i wanna get to know you better too roxy
GG: especially since youre you now, but also because youre a cool person!!!
TT: As moved, so passed.
GC: TH3 COURT F1NDS YOU V4L1D >:]
TG: omg
TG: yall rly didnt have to make a whole thing out of this
TT: It’s called being supportive, if I am not mistaken. You’re quite an expert in it, and I’m glad to say you’re more than welcome on the receiving end as well.
TG: dawww
AG: Yeah, yeah, I support you too. Are we done with the sappy stuff?
TT: Yes, I believe we’ve exhausted this avenue of reasoning. Let’s see if we can get an equal amount of support for John. Any ideas?
TG: well
TG: idk if we wanna overwhelm the guy right
TG: zero contact to maximum party is a rough vibe
GT: That does seem like a brutal mood swing!
GG: i could just invite him over for snacks and video games or something like that
GG: i havent seen him in a while so i mostly just wanna hang out with him
GG: but whatever works!!!
GC: HMMM
GC: TH4TS 4 GOOD 1D34 J4D3
GC: NOT TOO STR3SSFUL 4ND HE C4N JUST CO3X1ST W1TH 4 COUPL3 P3OPL3
TG: yea that works
TG: just some chill vibes for a chill guy
AG: Since when has Eg8ert ever been chill????????
TG: its probably happened like once right
TT: I don’t think “chill” is usually the operant term I would use for John. Not especially boisterous, sure, but not “chill”.
TT: The inner workings of his mind are an enigma, but could you really call mystery and a severe case of social isolation a mere facet of his relaxed demeanor?
TT: I think not.
TT: That being said, Jade’s idea is an excellent one. How many people do we think should be present?
GT: Not too many right?
GC: Y34H ONLY 4 F3W P3OPL3
GC: J4D3 D3F1N1T3LY B3C4US3 SH3 C4M3 UP W1TH TH3 1D34
GG: :D
GC: ROXY SHOULD B3 TH3R3 4S W3LL FOR PR3V1OUSLY M3NT1ON3D G3ND3R R34SONS
TG: hell yea bby
TG: terezi why r u so fuckin cool all the time
GC: 1 34T 4 LOT OF CH4LK
AG: O8jection!!!!!!!! You kicked that ha8it sweeps ago!
GC: >:0
GC: TH3 COURT H4S B33N 3XPOS3D!!
GT: Goodness what a turnabout play! The jurys losing their marbles in consternation!
TT: That aside, if I may be self-indulgent for a moment, I would enjoy spending some time with John as well. If Roxy and Jade, our local masterminds of social engineering, would allow me to accompany them, of course.
GG: of course rose!!! i wanna hang out with you more too honestly we havent caught up in a while
TG: yeah totes ectomomdaughter
TT: I’ll keep the Freudian analysis implied, primarily because Freud was a complete hack.
TG: ty ty ty
GT: So then its decided. Roxy rose and jade for the encourage john to coexist with his friends squadron!
AG: We’ll get him next time, Terezi.
GC: OH 4BSOLUT3LY
GC: YOU 4LR34DY H4V3 1RONS 1N TH3 F1R3 R1GHT
AG: You 8et I do! Aaaaaaaall of them.
TT: Naturally.
TG: i can host np
TG: not just bc i am very cool and the apartment is fucking rad
TG: but also bc i have smash bros 6
TG: not my fave tbh but none of you got the chance to play it so itll lure john in ez
GG: we are definitely going to lose
TT: Undoubtedly.
TG: queen gamer thats me
TG: wait whats a nonbinary version of queen
GG: monarch?
GT: Royalty?
GC: COOLK1D
TT: I’d agree with Jade on this one.
AG: The 8est!!!!!!!!
TG: ty for ur contributions
TG: you help me further gender science every day
GC: WH4T 1F YOUR G3ND3R W4S SC13NC3 THOUGH WOULD TH4T B3 COOL OR WH4T
GG: that would be pretty cool terezi!!!
GC: H3LL Y34H
TG: gamer royalty and no one can cope
TG: including john
AG: Oh the 8etrayal!
TG: ikr
TG: sad but true not even me tryin to help him get out there will fuck up my win loss ratio
TT: Your gaming crown is preserved for another day, My Liege.
TT: I think we’ve come to a stable agreement then? Myself, Jade, Roxy, and John at Roxy’s home. I would recommend bringing food and companionship. Not an overzealous amount, of course.
GG: yeah exactly!!! make him feel welcome and comfortable so he does this more often
GG: i really dont want another month of no contact from him again
TG: mhm mhm
TG: ill ask him about it im very persuasive tho
GT: Then thats settled then! Capital idea from jade as always you really are a brilliantly intelligent young woman.
GG: darn tooting!!!
TT: Courtroom adjourned.
GC: ROS3 HOW D4RE YOU ST34L MY MOM3NT
GC: YOU 4R3NT 3V3N 4 L4WY3R >:/
TT: My apologies, I cede the floor to the obviously more legally qualified member of the court.
GC: 1 SHOULD N3V3R H4V3 T4UGHT YOU L3G4L J4RGON
GC: COURTROOM 4DJOURN3D >:]
AG: Finally! Go ahead and send your egg memes now, everyone.
TG: wait why egg memes
AG: Egg-8ert. Did none of you ever take the opportunity to make a joke a8out that????????
TG: omfg

Chapter Text

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB]! --
TG: hey earth to eggbert
TG: *egbert

You start in your seat as your pesterchum client pings. Jeez, you were totally spacing out there! How long have you just been sitting here, watching your computer blankly? Losing track of time is no fun, least of all when your best bro is a Time player. Though you suppose you did lose track of him. You resolve to text him at some point, right after you get back to Roxy. It shouldn’t be too hard, right?

EB: oh hey roxy! did it work?
TG: sure did hon
TG: even got the two of us a casual event
TG: you know rose and jade right
EB: yeah they are super cool ladies!
TG: ya obvs theyre ten outta ten hats on the cool scale
TG: side note wtf is with the hat ranking anyway
TG: ik dirk is all about it but idgi personally
EB: uh...
TG: anyway
TG: yeah
TG: we can just chill with those two so its just the four of us
TG: no pressure
EB: i don’t know roxy. that sounds like a lot of people for the first time socializing in a month.
EB: and i really want jade and rose to not freak out about this!
TG: they wont freak out
TG: and if they do then they wont bc ill look at them sadly
TG: sad rolal is too powerful and theyll feel bad about it
TG: also john lbr here
TG: do u rly think that rose and jade of all people are gonna make this weird
EB: i...
EB: i don’t think so.
TG: same
EB: but then i have to make food for them right?
TG: nah egbert
TG: my place ill make popcorn and ive got smash 6
EB: smash bros 6? is that real?
TG: real in my timeline lmao
TG: you wanna main tom nook or what
EB: oh shit.
TG: ya hes janky as fuck
EB: that does sound pretty cool roxy!
EB: but...
TG: but nothin
TG: theyre some of your oldest friends
TG: and even if they are worried abt you they arent gonna shit on you for vanishin this time
TG: rose promised its ok
EB: well that’s a load off my mind!
EB: alright, i think you convinced me roxy. let’s do this!
TG: hell fuckin yes
TG: alright swing by my place tonight
TG: black tie not required but rose might do it anyway tbh
EB: haha! she really might. i haven’t worn any of my suits from sburb in a long time though, so i might pass on that.
TG: np just come by

And just like that, a handful of hours later, you’re outside Roxy’s apartment. They have a pretty cool apartment door, with a digital sign that says “Chad of Void’s Frat House >:3c” in pink scrolling text embedded in it. You’re not entirely sure what that means, but you can assume it’s that gender thing again. This gender stuff is so complicated!

You did not, of course, go black tie for the event. Just some nice jeans and a clean tee shirt for you. It’s actually the shirt Vriska made for you, all those years ago, come to think of it. It’s a nice shirt, you think, and it still fits you really well. It’s one of the nicer memories you have of SBURB, in some ways. Besides, you’re not showing up at Roxy’s apartment in full godly attire. The blue hood is nice, you like it, but it’s a little conspicuous. And long. Really, really long.

Roxy finally opens the door, cutting off your complex internal monologue with a lethal hug.

“glad you could make it egbert ive got popcorn cooking and this is gonna be rad as fuck”

“oh! uh. thanks for setting all this up roxy.”

“no prob lmao”

Roxy’s apartment is pretty nice, actually. Everything’s got RGB lighting (customized to scroll slowly between green, blue, and purple for the occasion), which sets the mood nicely. There’s a huge TV off to the side, with a paused game displayed on the screen. Big couch, big bowl of popcorn on the table, and four controllers. You tense slightly, remembering why you’re here.

“hey john relax a little ok”

“uh...”

“yes u are obviously stressin but look”

They plop down on the couch with aplomb and hold out a controller for you to join them.

“this is all the night has to be it can just be a bunch of old friends fuckin around in smash and laughing together”

“right, yeah, sorry.”

“ur ok dude now get in here and let me kick ur ass at smash bros no mercy for egberts”

“oh right, you’re good at video games.”

“gamer royalty no less”

“shit.”

For a while, you can lose yourself in the game (admittedly, while losing several rounds of said game in the process). It’s just you and Roxy, and while you two aren’t the closest, you’re still friends. The popcorn is salty and their company is fun. You missed this. You really missed this.

There is a loud knock at the door. You start out of your gaming reverie, which Roxy takes advantage of to knock your Mr. Game & Watch into the next century.

“gottem lmao i got the door too no worries”

Roxy leaves the victory screen playing, and leaves you to stew in worry. Is that Jade? Or Rose? Or both of them, if they feel like confronting you as a combined force? Those two are the strongest women you know and you really don’t want them to be mad a-

“John?”

It’s Rose. She’s overdressed, as is her way, with a lovely black velvet dress and a pair of simple but obviously expensive earrings. It’s beautiful. One could lose themselves in a dress like that, it just draws the eye in. You really missed her, you realize, it’s been way too long. She swoops in and hugs you with one arm gently.

“So good to see you, John. I suppose I shouldn’t ask about how your losing streak against Roxy is going?”

“haha yeah, they’re really good at this game! it’s good to see you too.”

Rose takes a seat next to you and grabs a controller. She isn’t the most familiar with fighting games, you assume, and she studies the controller inquisitively.

“I doubt any of us can expect more success in these duels than you have found. We are merely immortals, and yet we believe we can challenge the god gamer themselves. I can’t see much fortune in our immediate futures, in regards to our win rates. Not that I would ever use my powers to cheat, of course.”

“of course not. who would do such a thing? not me, that is for sure.”

You call up a little gust of wind to carry popcorn from the bowl into your mouth. Of course, that does cause some more popcorn to land in your lap, but it’s a small price to pay for style. Roxy picks up their own controller with a wicked little grin.

“round seven this time with both lalondes”

“How daunting.”

“john!!!”

You barely get the opportunity to recognize Jade’s voice before a green and black blur tackles you across the room. Teleportation is bullshit, you decide, even with your own teleportation abilities. It is simply bullshit. The Lalondes decide to leave you to your misery and handle their own one-on-one match while you deal with the dog god on top of you, wagging her tail and wearing a wide smile you can’t help but match.

“hey jade! sorry i didn’t text back for a month, i was-”

“oh dont even worry about that john!!! lets just have fun now even if i wish you would text back next time!”

“i’ll sure try haha!”

And the evening goes. It’s not as bad as you feared, honestly. Rose and Jade and Roxy, these are some of your closest friends. Why would they be mad at you for long? Maybe...maybe you could do this more often.

You do get your ass kicked at Smash Bros 6 though. All of you do. Roxy’s gaming crown is safe for another day.

Eventually, though, the conversation shifts. You’re up making more popcorn and adding a truly staggering amount of butter to the bowl, when you start overhearing things. Maybe you shouldn’t be listening in, but the tone of voice...hmm.

“You know, I haven’t found myself playing a great deal of Smash Brothers in quite some time. But I remember seeing screenshots of the Zelda design that they utilized for Brawl.”

“lemme guess it was a goal”

“Astute as always, Roxy.”

“oh huh that makes sense now that you mention it”

“ya lmao”

“What can I say? Even before I came out, I was a goth woman at heart. Transition goals are oft more telling than they first appear.”

“i mean i mostly just made pokemon avatars...”

“jade that is a fuckin classic tho no shade”

“One can safely assume that Professor Oak has, as they say, cracked more eggs than an average diner employee over a breakfast shift.”

“one hundred percent facts”

You awkwardly shuffle back into the room. You’re not exactly sure what they were talking about with the eggs and whatever a “transition goal” is, but it seems like it’s not your place to ask about. Plus you spied on them, and that’s no good. You toss the popcorn back onto the table and plop down.

“better not get too comfortable, roxy! i have pretty good gamer cred with ice climbers.”

“they patched wobbling tho”

“what’s wobbling?”

“nvm lmao”

Alright, Egbert, it's time, you can do this if you focus really hard and- oh, no, never mind, they’re kicking your ass again.

“anyway its nice to know i wasnt the only one who made female avatars exclusively!!!”

“It wasn’t all the time for me, if I am being entirely sincere. I tended towards male characters earlier in my life. It sounds childish now, but I assumed that I had no other choice.”

“big f”

“i guess you changed that eventually huh?”

“Naturally. Once everything clicked, I made a clean break of such things.”

“thats so cool rose!!! it took me a little longer honestly...”

“no worries jade weve all been there”

“we have?”

“uhhh”

Roxy gives you a look that you don’t know how to place. Rose and Jade also turn to you, as if remembering that you’re in the room. You very suddenly don’t want to be here. But you have to be here, this whole event is about getting you out of the house, right? Oh no, this is all going wrong, it’s all your fault.

“Don’t worry about it too much, John. We’re just talking about our past experiences with video games.”

Rose just saved your life, socially speaking. You would thank her, but that would be weird, so you just nod and go back to the game.

“That being said. Yes, I believe many of us can say the same. Though I only can relate so much to your own experiences, Roxy.”

“yea gender kinda snuck up on me like i didnt wanna be a girl and didnt wanna be a boy so i just wasnt feelin so hot”

Oh, it’s about gender, somehow. Well, you should probably listen closely. It always pays to be a good ally! But you don’t really understand what Roxy’s saying. I mean, no one actively wants to be a boy, right? That’s not really a gender thing.

“i tried that out for a while actually!!!”

“wait fr”

“yeah!!! back before i settled on anything i tried out being nonbinary for a while”

“see i always knew you were cool as fuck jade but this just proves it”

Wait, Jade questioned her gender? When was this? This conversation just keeps throwing curveballs at you, and you’re holding a pocket-sized novelty baseball bat instead of a regulation bat, and also you’re trying to listen to a very interesting conversation while simultaneously controlling both Ice Climbers.

“I wish I could say the same in some ways. But as much as I respect your identity, I was very secure in my own from an early age.”

“wow, it’s really cool how you all have stories about finding yourselves haha! that’s really nice.”

You blew it, you totally blew it, everyone’s looking at you with pity in their eyes and you don’t know why.

“John...do you have a similar story?”

“what? no not really. i mean, i used to play a lot of ice climbers, and now i use a hammer if that counts.”

“Did you always prefer the female Ice Climber as your primary character?”

“uh...maybe? that doesn’t mean anything though.”

“I suppose it doesn’t have to mean any more than what it is.”

“fwiw she does have the better costumes”

“yeah! exactly.”

You pointedly turn back to the game. No need to embarrass yourself further. After all, she does have the better costumes, everyone knows that.

The conversation stagnates after your outburst. You could kick yourself right now, you totally made it weird for your friends, and you don’t even know what they were talking about. Maybe you should have just stayed inside and-

“that makes twenty wins for me and i think jade got one game off me lmao”

“roxy you really are the best there is!!! its not even fair”

“i can switch off my mains and just go for kirby np”

“Evening the playing field, Roxy? I like the sound of that.”

“ya i mean is kirby not the ideal transition goal”

“I agree with you entirely, but explain.”

“pink round and friend”

“That’s on me, the bar was perhaps a little too low.”

“kirby has a great gender”

“ikr”

“wait, what’s a transition goal?”

Oh no, you didn’t even plan on saying anything else! You just got distracted by the conversation! Rose studies you with a wary eye before responding, and you feel as if you’re fully under the microscope now.

“John...how much do you know about transgender issues?”

“uh...”

You guiltily look at Roxy, the one trans gender friend you know you have, and they’re studying you too! This is just such a weird situation. Okay, it’s time to be the best ally you can possibly be!

“not a lot? i mean obviously i love my trans gender friends, and hopefully i can be a good ally even if i don’t know everything?”

“its still one word john lmao”

“oh right! sorry!”

“You’re okay, John. A transition goal is best explained by a transgender individual’s desires and expectations for their own appearance over the course of their transition. Though what we are all referring to deals more specifically with the common experience of imprinting on a fictional character or another person who, in one way or another, represents our true genders, before entirely realizing that we are the genders we are.”

“or it can be a way of exploring those genders! like how i played the female pokemon trainer every time...”

“Or how I found myself with an eye for a variety of sapphic literature, even before my own realizations.”

“wait hold up question for the room is zelda sapphic y/n”

“Naturally. Link is, after all, at every place of the gender spectrum simultaneously, including the transfeminine. However, they are always trans.”

“ofc ofc”

“right”

You have no idea what is going on. Rose, bless her heart, takes notice of your bewildered expression. How are you supposed to know any of this stuff? You tried to read the medical journals about it, just to support Roxy, but they weren’t very helpful, and they made you feel really weird. Like, the rug felt pulled out from under you, as if the trans gender knowledge you were learning was gaining points on its Prankster’s Gambit against you. A weird sinking feeling...

It’s not the same one you feel now. But they’re similar. Rose gives Jade and Roxy a loaded look that you don’t even try to understand, and they think for a second, before slowly nodding.

“did u rly not know this shit”

“roxy, i’m sorry, i didn’t do enough research on my own-”

“oh no not that idc abt that but uh”

“John, did I never end up telling you about the process of my own transition?”

Oh.

You suddenly know so much less, and so much more, than you could have imagined. Rose, to her credit, doesn’t laugh at the sight of your brain very obviously short-circuiting.

“Despite what you and many others may have assumed, I am, in fact, a transgender woman.”

“yeah john and so am i... i kinda thought you knew already actually!”

“you both...oh neat!”

You smack your forehead internally. “Neat”? Neat is not the best way to respond to two of your closest friends coming out as transgender. Mercifully, neither Rose nor Jade respond to you putting your foot in your mouth.

“i mean, uh, why did you think i knew?”

“i think i just assumed i told you at some point!!! is it...uh...”

“it’s not a problem, jade! you two are both some of my closest friends, this doesn’t change anything for me! if anything, i think you’re both even cooler!”

Roxy chokes back a wheeze of laughter and promptly retreats to the kitchen for some more snacks. Jade nods and smiles quietly.

“I suppose I shall have to accept the John Egbert Seal of Coolness on behalf of the both of us. I will put it next to the equally patented Dave Strider (and I quote) Seel of Raditude that he bestowed upon me when I told him the aforementioned. They both hang even now in the guest bedroom.”

“i can make a craft project if you want to complete the set!”

“I would be honored, Jade. The Jade Harley Emblem of Transfeminine Solidarity is extremely valuable, emotionally and monetarily. But this does put several of your earlier comments into perspective, John. Are there any particular questions you have for the two of us? I cannot speak for Jade, but I for one would be happy to answer any questions you may have about my own experience with gender.”

Her words are so carefully chosen, and you can’t thank her enough for that. But just thinking about it leaves you feeling...something. I mean, you didn’t even really think about it being possible until now. That people who used to look like you (maybe! don’t make this weird) could end up looking as stunning as Rose or as adorable as Jade...it’s kinda cool, right? But no, you don’t want to make either of them uncomfortable! Not tonight, or any night really, but especially not tonight.

“you’re fine rose! we can just hang out and keep getting our butts kicked at smash bros like we always did. it isn’t a big deal, right?”

“I suppose not. Just remember that I am happy to provide information as you need it. Perhaps then you may stumble over your own words slightly less next time.”

“haha, yeah...”

----------

The night progresses without further incident. John, clearly mortified at his lack of knowledge, doesn’t press any further, and merely listens to what you, Roxy, and Jade are saying to each other. It is a lovely night, and you wish John the best at the door as you all depart.

But the things he said haunt your memories. The consistent desire to play the female Ice Climber, his general unease at all gender-related topics, him saying that the transfeminine experience is “cool”...in a vacuum, each of those can be explained away. But together, they could potentially mean more. Far be it from you to assume the genders of any of your friends, but if “he” needs any assistance, you would be more than happy to lean on the Therapist in your chumhandle.

Skaia knows you would have preferred the assistance of someone older and wiser in your own coming-out process. It’s the least you can do to act in that role when called upon. Clearly, you will have to check in on John, or whoever they end up becoming, at a later time.

Chapter Text

Why did she say she’d be happy to tell you stuff?

That’s the question that eats away at you as you fly home, stomach full of cheap popcorn and a twisting feeling that very much isn’t the popcorn, wind whipping past your ears like a blanket. The twisting isn’t that you didn’t know your friends are transgender (though that is also something you’ve been thinking about ever since you found out, despite yourself). It’s her willingness to talk.

Why did she say that?

I mean, you have the internet, you can find out everything you want to know if you really are that curious. In fact, you already have found out a bunch of things from the medical journals, because you’re just that good of an ally, though you asked some pretty stupid things back there. And Rose definitely knows that, she’s the smartest person you’ve ever met in your life and she has a way of looking right through you. So she knows you know what being transgender means, at least from your cis perspective.

This does nothing to alleviate the twisting in your gut. Why? Why would Rose Lalonde, who knows you’d never in a million years try and make her feel uncomfortable by asking about this stuff, tell you that she’d be happy to talk?

You don’t have an answer, and neither does the wind in your ears as you coast through the window of your house (windows, you decided a long time ago, are much easier than doors). Besides, it’s not that much different than your own experience, right? All the stuff Jade and Rose were talking about makes a lot of sense to you! Heck, you also played as a female Pokemon trainer as a kid sometimes! It was super fun! That doesn’t mean anything, right?

Right. That doesn’t mean anything, you decide. That would be ridiculous. It’s not like you’re allowed to be a girl, no matter how cool they are.

Maybe you did eat too much popcorn, your stomach’s really not happy about this situation. You slide into your pajamas, brush your teeth quickly, and lie down for the night.

On the bright side, you finally got out of the house with three of your best friends, so that means you’re not doing as badly, right? A few social interactions like that every month are something you can stomach (well, with a little less popcorn next time), and then your friends won’t have to drag you along kicking and screaming.

But why did she tell you about her identity?

You fall asleep before you have a good answer.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

EB: hey dave!
TG: john holy shit
TG: it is bumfuck o clock in the morning why are you even up
TG: though if im gonna flex my godly chops around the meat of this shit
TG: bumfuck o clock is a bit past five in the morning just fyi
EB: i can text back later, it's okay!
TG: what
TG: no fuck you youre explaining this
TG: why would my main man john egbert not text me for a month
TG: which is understandable and i know you do this shit but its still true
TG: and then text me at precisely two minutes sixteen seconds past bumfuck
TG: i did the math and everything for this john
TG: im bi i cant do math
TG: and i still did it for you dude
TG: i crucified myself on the cross of thinking about intellectual shit before ive had my morning sunny d and snorted my morning caffeine pills
TG: these are the sacrifices we make as time gods
TG: the royal we of course because im a god and can do that for fun
TG: you ever think we could just do that shit like queen liz
EB: dave can i please answer your question?
TG: sure dude no problem
TG: side note i dont snort caffeine
TG: gotta look clean for the press conferences about sbahj the moive the squeakwel six point two
EB: did you finish that one?
TG: yeah it slaps
TG: like the good kind of slap though yknow
EB: to answer your question though, i just happened to be awake and thought about you.
TG: okay rad
TG: that didnt answer my real question though
TG: i guess im just a conversational puzzle box
TG: and the solution is just to hit it with a hammer really hard to get the fucking penny inside it
TG: the penny here being my real heart to heart bro time mode
TG: shit i didnt even mean the time reference but yknow what we take those
EB: what was the real question dave?
TG: okay so look
TG: i appreciate that you thought of me in your hour of need
TG: but you would not fucking text me at five am if you didnt want something specific or feel like shit
TG: im a practiced feelings jam professional we can get into this
TG: no pale homo tho i may be homo but not for you
TG: nothing personal kid
TG: here teleport behind me with your weird zappy powers itll be funny as fuck
EB: dave it’s fine. can i just come over to your place in the morning?
TG: yeah thats cool
TG: karkats not even awake but hes cool with it too
TG: i can tell im like one of those shitty laser tripwire toys when it comes to karkat and being cool with things
TG: in that he will scream about it but wont do shit
EB: okay great! i’ll see you then!
TG: dude what the fuck is with your vibe tonight

Eventually, it is morning, much to your chagrin. You drag yourself out of bed, look at the logs from last night, and internally scowl. Why did you tell Dave you were coming over? He’s going to blow up your phone if you don’t make it over there, and you don’t have the energy to field questions from him right now.

You grab some clothes from your floor and throw them on. It’s a hoodie and jeans, what more could a dude want? As you shave you see yourself, carefully removing the hairs from your chin.

God, you look like shit. You feel like shit too.

Focus, Egbert. You shoot Roxy a text, thanking them for helping you get out of the house. You need to keep up appearances, right? Then, hair combed in an attempt to make it not look like a rat’s nest, you catch the breeze through your window and fly. Sure, you may not feel the best and sure, you’re still thinking about last night. But it’s important that you get out there more often!

You open the door to Dave and Karkat’s shared house and let your eyes adjust to the dim lighting. It’s a Karkat thing, you think, but they both enjoy keeping the house dark. There’s arguing coming from the kitchen, and as you walk in, you catch Karkat in the middle of one of his famous tirades.

“AS I HAVE SAID MILLIONS OF FUCKING TIMES, YOU ARE IN NO WAY OBLIGATED TO HAVE YOUR HEAD SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR OWN HUMAN NOOK. I MAY LIKE THE MAN, BUT YOU SHOULD AT LEAST CONSIDER ASKING ME WHAT MY FEELINGS ON INVITING OVER- OH HEY JOHN.”

“yo”

Dave gives you a signature bro nod and you nod back. It all seems a little forced to you, but it’s cool. You pull up a shitty plastic lawn chair (as is traditional for the dining room table) and sit down with a huff.

“dude are you good because if im being dead honest you look like youve been hit by a bus but like if the bus was sleep deprivation”

“sorry, haha! i was up kinda late last night.”

“yeah i noticed that so what the fuck is up anyway though i havent seen you in like a month”

“MORE THAN A MONTH, STRIDER. BUT FAR BE IT FROM ME TO ANALYZE YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLE HUMAN-CENTRIC CALENDAR. OBVIOUSLY MY GLANCE NUGGETS SIMPLY CANNOT ADAPT TO YOUR OBVIOUSLY INFERIOR TEMPORAL INTERPRETATIONS.”

“it is a goofy calendar sometimes!”

“THANK YOU, JOHN. AT LEAST ONE OF US HERE APPRECIATES THE OBVIOUS VIRTUES OF SWEEP CALCULATION.”

“john holy shit you cant do this to me as the human representative of time magics and owning a fucking clock i gotta know this shit please dont make me do more math even a few hours after bumfuck o clock in the morning”

“OH IS THAT WHEN HE TEXTED YOU?”

“wait, you know when that is?”

“OF COURSE I FUCKING KNOW ALL THE INTRICATE DETAILS OF STRIDER’S ‘NEW CLOCK TEE EM’, WHATEVER THE FUCK THE TEE AND EM ARE REFERRING TO. I LIVE WITH THIS MAN!”

“and you love me”

“MUCH TO MY OCCASIONAL CHAGRIN, I AM PROFOUNDLY FUCKING FLUSHED FOR YOU.”

“hell yeah dude same here”

Say what you will about Dave and Karkat, despite their weird machismo-drenched relationship, they really do love each other. You were so glad for Dave when he finally confessed to Karkat! It was kinda cute, honestly. That being said, you have to interrupt them if you want to talk about things with Dave! He is your best bro, after all.

“so i was hanging out with rose, jade, and roxy last night.”

“hell yeah dude good for you thats a really tough step when it comes to getting on the social life party bus weve got sparkling water in here but like the good shit”

“and-”

“like sure the social life brand champagne is great and all but sometimes you just want some fucking bubbly water that sears your throat a little bit on the way down but its all good because its hydrating and you need that hydration on a party bu-”

“rose and jade told me they’re both trans!”

There is a long moment as the three of you slowly stare at each other.

“YOU CAN’T JUST OUT SOMEONE LIKE THAT, JOHN!”

“wait, what?”

“IT COULD BE A SECRET THAT THEY WANT TO KEEP HIDDEN FOR ANY FUCKING REASON. DID THAT EVER PASS THROUGH YOUR THINK PAN, OR IS YOUR FUCKING WINDPIPE CONNECTED STRAIGHT TO THE PART OF YOUR LOBE STEM THAT GOVERNS TELLING EVERYONE’S FUCKING SECRETS?!”

“oh shit, i didn’t even think about that! i’m sorry karkat!”

“youre gucci for now me and karkat knew already but like dude not the coolest move”

“okay, not gonna do that ever again. but wait, you knew too?”

“yeah dude rose told me during the meteor trip i just figured you knew as well but yknow sometimes these things just happen to come up when youre trying to tell your ectosister to just talk to kanaya and stop being the useless lesbian stereotype”

“SAID THE MAN WHO WASN’T ABLE TO GET PAST HIS OWN EMOTIONAL HANGUPS FOR LONG ENOUGH TO HOLD MY HAND FOR FUCKING SWEEPS.”

“maybe im also a useless lesbian how about them apples it must run in the family or some shit”

“was i the only person who didn’t know about this?”

“yeah probably but dont spread it around”

“huh, okay. well, we got to talking about ‘transition goals’ and stuff like that, and i kinda related to a lot of what rose and jade were talking about!”

“thats fucking weird dude”

“NO NO, GO ON. I WANT TO HEAR THIS.”

Dave talks fast, trying to let it go, but Karkat leans in intently.

“well, sometimes they were talking about playing female pokemon trainers and really relating to a lot of female characters growing up, and i did the same thing! and then jade was talking about exploring her gender sometimes and it seemed really cool of her, and then there was something about a seel of raditude-”

“cant relate but oh fuck yes i was hoping she kept it i put my heart and soul into that shit”

“that was real?”

“yeah dude why wouldnt it be the seel of raditude is a real piece of art reflecting how much i stan and support rose in everything she does why do you think it wouldnt be real when my feelings are real”

“uh-”

“i have the soul of an artist john and it begs for creative expression of whatever dumbshit feelings happen to be percolating in my brain pan before and after my morning sunny d”

Dave sips his mug, and you can’t help but take a peek. Wait, that’s definitely Sunny D. That aside, he said he didn’t relate, right? That doesn’t make any sense, don’t all guys feel like that?

“you didn’t play as a female pokemon trainer?”

“nah dude why would i do that haha i dunno why youre the one cis dude who does that but its no big deal im sure”

“HOOFBEAST MANURE. I SAW YOU MAKE A FEMALE CHARACTER ON THAT GAME YOU WERE PLAYING YESTERDAY, STRIDER!”

“damn bro how can you betray me like this in my own house and home”

“AND YOU’VE BEEN MAKING THEM FOR AGES! OF COURSE, SO HAVE I. WHO DOESN’T? BUT THAT DOESN’T GIVE US AN EXCUSE TO NOT THINK OVER THE RATIONALITY OF WHY WE FIND PLAYING AS FEMALE CHARACTERS MORE ENTICING, ASSUMING THAT YOU DO IN FACT HAVE A FUCKING FASCINATION WITH ROLE PLAYING IN THAT PARTICULAR SPA-”

“they just have nicer asses dude i dont think we should talk about this shit right n-”

You can’t think straight anymore, there’s a ringing in your ears and you don’t know where it’s coming from. Coming here was a mistake, you know it was a mistake, and the knot in your gut is tightening around and around-

“i think i should go! sorry for interrupting your breakfast!”

Karkat gives you a long look, as if trying to dissect you with his mind.

“OKAY JOHN, JUST REMEMBER THAT WE’RE YOUR FRIENDS. AND TRY NOT TO ABANDON US FOR A FUCKING MONTH AGAIN.”

“deal! you know how it is with social anxiety haha.”

“SURE.”

You speed-walk to the exit. Fuck, fuck, fuck, is it really so unusual or questionable to do that sort of thing or relate so strongly? Then why...

----------

Dave goes back to his breakfast, you back to yours. Fuck, the pancakes are cold. What a fucking miserable start to the day. But Egbert’s having some thoughts about gender, huh. You suppose it makes sense. After what the pink Lalonde did with their own gender, you felt some musings coming on yourself. Maybe you’re starting to feel a bit like exploring your gender too!

But that’s fucking ridiculous. Apparently every man you know plays female characters like you. Apparently they all think about this stuff, and John’s just the damn fool to talk about it out loud. Not like Dave, he says everything EXCEPT what’s on his fucking mind.

You don’t have to think about this sort of thing now, anyway. It’s a thought experiment, nothing more. If you were, theoretically, not a man...would it change anything? Would you feel better about yourself?

Would Dave still love you?

You push that thought down hard as soon as it surfaces. Of course he fucking would, you know that. But...it’s an easy worry. Much easier to think about all the fucking things that could go wrong, than the mere possibility of things going right for once in your fucking existence.

“ARE YOU OKAY, STRIDER?”

“totally dude”

He doesn’t look at you. Whatever he’s thinking is hidden behind those impenetrable sunglasses yet again. Fuck.

“HEY, DAVE, LOOK UP.”

“huh”

“<3”

“<3”

He blushes gently and turns back to his food, trying to pull the tiniest little smile back behind the facade of coolness he can’t help but hold onto. In that moment, you forget all about John’s gender issues and the tension of the morning.

Your own gender exploration can wait, you decide. You have time, and you have Time, and that’s all you’ll ever need.

Chapter Text

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering gardenGnostic [GG]! --

TT: I have a rather particular question for you, Jade.
TT: It is not, I will clarify, about you personally. But I am in need of a second opinion, and my own ectoparent seems to be otherwise preoccupied.
GG: thanks for clarifying rose!!!
GG: but go ahead and ask
TT: Did John seem off to you? During our little rendezvous to Roxy’s apartment, specifically.
GG: i thought we already had our debrief for that a few days ago...
TT: We did, and it was excellent. This is about a slightly different matter.
TT: Suffice to say, I feel John has some questions about the broader queer community. Perhaps even how such a community relates to his own experiences, though my theories are inconclusive as of yet.
GG: oh you noticed that too???
GG: yeah he really seemed kinda curious about us being trans
GG: but not exclusively in the cis ally trying their best way
GG: even though he did act like that a little bit...
GG: you know what i mean!!!
TT: Naturally. So it isn’t just my own hypothesis then. You’re a woman of science, Jade, perhaps you have an experiment you can run to shed some light on our friend’s motivations?
GG: hmm...
GG: this might be a bold idea but i think i have something
TT: Do tell.
GG: gay bar
TT: You certainly weren’t exaggerating vis-a-vis boldness.
GG: it would be a pretty serious litmus test of johns feelings
GG: and i know that
GG: ten bucks says he freaks out and runs away before the end of the night honestly!!!
TT: You’re on. So then, the benefits?
GG: well first off jake really wants to go because hes never been
GG: but more importantly i think john could do with stuff that’s a lot more exciting in his life
GG: whether or not it ends up being a gender thing
TT: Astute as ever, Jade. You have my stamp of approval, though you have always had that stamp on your desk regardless.
GG: aww rose!!!
GG: yeah im gonna ask jake about it

-- gardenGnostic [GG] has begun pestering EX-EGGS 4 EGBERTS! --

GG: jake!!! get your butt in here!!!
GT: *Hustles over to acquiesce to jades request.*
GT: Tally-ho! What seems to be the issue? Hopefully it isnt that my rear end has ended up in the tabloids once again.
GG: okay first of all it totally did...
GT: Drat.
GG: but thats not what im trying to say!!! its cooler than that
GT: Youve piqued my interest already!
GG: what if you took john to a queer bar or club or something like that?
GG: he seemed to like it when we were just playing games and i think he might like this too
GT: Going whole hog then are we? Quite the daring machination but by jove it may just work out!
GT: Is there anyone else coming along on this venture or shall it merely be a mans night?
GT: That is to say please someone else come along. I dare say i like the chap but my familiarity with my ectobiological cousin isnt the best.
GT: Ive only chatted with him once or twice at the most in all honesty!
GG: oh
TT: Well, that does throw a wrench in the best-laid plans of dog and god and those who are both.
AG: I’m in!!!!!!!!
AG: There’s no 8itch on the planet who knows how to have a good time 8etter than Vriska Serket!!!!!!!!
GT: Oh heavens. Well i would be honored to have a presence like yours on our little expedition!
GC: TH3N 1LL 4LSO COME W1TH YOU
GC: SOM3ON3 H4S TO M4K3 SUR3 TH4T MY B34UT1FUL W1FESPR1T DO3SNT COMM1T 4RSON
AG: What if it’s only a little 8it of arson?
GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY TH4T 1S ST1LL 4 CR1M3
AG: Dammit.
GG: then its settled then! jake vriska and terezi with john at a queer club
GT: Capital! It should be quite the raucous experience but i have no doubt as to our abilities.
GC: L3T M3 JUST R34CH OUT TO OUR S3COND F4VOR1T3 BLU3 FR13ND
GC: VR1SK4 B31NG NUMB3R ON3 OF COURS3
AG: 8a8e!!!!!!!!

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has opened a memo and invited ectoBiologist [EB], arachnidsGrip [AG], and golgothasTerror [GT]! --

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has renamed the memo to “R41NBOW RUMP-4SS P4RTYTOWN”! --

GC: G3T 1N LOS3RS W3R3 GO1NG CLUBB1NG
EB: what?
AG: Oh hell yes, Terezi!
GT: My apologies for the intrusion old chap! But we are formally inviting you to a raucous adventure the likes of which you need never have seen before!
EB: oh! another social thing, that’s cool. i guess roxy told you about my issue huh.
AG: Pretty much. Look, I don’t get how you can’t just get out of the house all on your lonesome, 8ut if you need our help, then we’re helping!
AG: You’re welcome, 8y the way. :::;)
EB: oh, uh...
EB: thanks?
GC: YOU C4N TH4NK US 4FT3R W3 T4K3 YOU ON TH3 COOL3ST FUCK1NG N1GHT OF YOUR L1F3
GC: PROB4BLY
GC: UNL3SS YOUR3 GO1NG TO S3CR3T UND3RGROUND R4V3S W1THOUT OUR KNOWL3DG3
GT: It shouldnt be half as discombobulating as all that my good man! We would simply like to invite you to a bar some of us have more than a passing familiarity with!
GT: It is a lovely establishment even if ive personally never been and i am absolutely certain that youll have a gas!
EB: oh! well in that case it sounds pretty cool.
EB: but i was kinda thinking of staying in tonight, honestly.
AG: 8ullshit!!!!!!!!
AG: Get yourself dressed up, Eg8ert, you’re gonna have a 8last! Tonight!
GC: NO 3XPLOS1V3S 31TH3R
AG: F8ck!!!!!!!!
EB: uh...
EB: what should i wear then? like a suit or something?
AG: What do you own that’s twinkish?
EB: huh?
GC: JUST W34R SOM3TH1NG N1C3
GC: NOT 4 SU1T TH4TS W4Y TOO FORM4L
GC: BUT 4T L34ST 4 CUT3 SH1RT OR SOM3TH1NG
EB: i don’t really have any of those...
GT: That’s absolute malarkey my good man!
GT: You need only wear your ensemble with the confidence it deserves and you should be able to make any outfit shine!
GT: But if you truly are in dire need of a second pair of eyes (or fourth as the case may be given both of our ocular accessories) then i would be happy to fly over in two shakes of a lambs tail!
EB: you really don’t need to do that, jake! it’s a total mess here.
GT: If you insist then youll need only meet us at the locale in question! Ill fetch us a reservation posthaste.
GC: DO TH3Y 4CTU4LLY H4V3 R3S3RV4T1ONS TH3R3
AG: Yeah! It’s wild.
GC: LM4O TH4TS R1D1CULOUS BUT OK4Y
GC: TON1GHT JUST 4FT3R SUNDOWN B3 TH3R3
EB: i...
EB: well, okay, i suppose i should get out more.
AG: That’s the spirit, Eg8ert!!!!!!!!

And that’s why you’re standing outside of a bar that you’re certain is the wrong place for the address Terezi sent you, dressed in a modest button-up and nice jeans. This place is just way too much for you, honestly. The rainbows are great and all, you support gay rights like any good human being should, but there’s no way Terezi invited you to a gay bar, right?

Wait, no, Vriska is involved. It’s definitely possible.

You sigh slowly and make your way inside. This place is packed to the gills, people of all sorts drinking and laughing together. I mean, all your friends are gay too, so it’s not that unusual, but you definitely feel a little like a fish out of water in a place like this. You don’t know how you’re supposed to feel, especially if some dude hits on you. Sure, it’s not a bad thing, but you just don’t really like men in that way.

“Over here, Eg8ert!”

You silently thank Skaia for Vriska Serket and slide into her booth. Vriska and Terezi already have their drinks, Jake’s sticking with water for the night. Or that’s what you assume, anyway. You’re not exactly going to put your foot in your mouth and ask about it!

“hey everyone! gosh this place is pretty busy.”

“It certainly is hopping! But we shouldnt have too much of an issue about it old chap. We are after all quasi-deities of this plane of existence!”

“WH4T H3 M34NS 1S TH4T VR1SK4 THR34T3N3D TH3 P3OPL3 WHO H4D TH3 T4BL3”

“It wasn’t a threat! It was 8ri8ery.”

“B4B3 1 LOV3 YOU SO MUCH D1D YOU KNOW TH4T”

“Woooooooow, that’s very human gay of you to say!”

“W3 4R3 1N 4 HUM4N G4Y B4R VR1SK4”

“What a8out it?”

“So john how do you like the scene? I dont suspect youve been to this establishment before either.”

“uh...”

There’s a lot of people here. You knew that, but now you take the time to notice it. Gay dudes chatting in the corners, gorgeous butch women on the dance floor, people of all genders being together and existing as a family of sorts. It feels so beautiful, and you don’t know how to explain this feeling to him, even if you tried. And then you’re also there, and that doesn’t feel quite the same.

“it seems cool?”

“JUST COOL?? >:/”

“I think you mean VERY cool.”

“yeah very cool! haha. uh.”

“4R3 YOU HUM4N HOM3 OF PHOB1C JOHN”

“what? no? i just haven’t been to a place like this before.”

“Sounds like homopho8ia to me!”

“Vriska please the poor boys already nearly having an anxiety attack and i for one dont intend on worsening it.”

“Ughhhhhhhh, fine.”

Jake isn’t wrong, you were nearly having a breakdown. This was a mistake, this was already a total disaster, and you should have never let Terezi talk you into leaving the house. Thankfully, someone swings by with another drink for Terezi, and you order something light for yourself. Any port in a storm, right? Even if you don’t really like port.

God, that waitress is cool-looking. She has this partially shaved hair, and this cool way of walking through the bar, and the way she holds herself is pretty neat. It’s not anything, really, she’s obviously gay if she works here, but...she does look cool. Can’t you appreciate that? If anything, you’re a little jealous.

Vriska and Terezi have started rattling on about some anime they watched together, and generally just existing comfortably in this bar, the same way you aren’t. Huh, then there’s that person over there, with the blue tee shirt? She’s really cool looking too, with that confident gaze and the way she rolls her back when she stretches...

Don’t be a creep, Egbert! You mentally kick yourself, but you don’t know what Vriska is saying to you anymore. You just shrug it off and mutter something noncommittally.

“Are you quite alright old boy? You look a bit pale and i reckon it isnt exclusively the lighting.”

And then there’s the woman in the flowing dress by the bar, laughing with the bartender, and you can’t bear it anymore.

“i...i need to go!”

The Windy Thing swirls around you in a flash, and you’re out of the bar. You can’t think about this stuff. You can’t be like those people you saw. And you can’t be a better friend to your friends. You hear them call after you, but it doesn’t matter right now. What matters is getting the hell out of here.

You’re halfway across town, flying across some long-abandoned school playground, when a familiar voice, accompanied by an equally familiar scent of testosterone sweat mixed with a straight-up jungle, reaches over and slows you down.

“I say dear boy you certainly have a pair of metaphorical flight gams on you! Hope you dont mind if i accompany you?”

“hey jake.”

No use running from the Page of Hope. Say what you will about your ectobiological relative, he has a way of being in the right place at the right time. You coast in for a landing, watching as the man himself follows close behind you. He’s kind of hard to look at right now, honestly.

“you didn’t have to come after me.”

“Nonsense old chap! I understand your feelings just as well as any man alive! Come along and lets chat it out in some better seating arrangements! Those wood chips on the ground do a bloody number on my thighs.”

He drags you over to the swing set, as you catch your breath and try to calm your racing heart. It’s dark out now, with only the street lights around the playground shining on the two of you.

“Take your breather as best you can john. It can be a bit claustrophobic in those sorts of establishments even if i have a fondness for them myself. Besides there werent all that many other transmasculine folks in there and thats simply not what im after!”

Huh?

“But we are both in this together old chap! Two brothers of the masculine persuasion! I have no doubts we can find a bar that will accommodate-”

“wait, jake, i’m not a trans dude. i’m just boring old john egbert.”

“You arent?”

You look at each other in surprise, studying closely and letting the moment breathe. Jake’s trans too? He’s a dude, you know what transmasculine means (after a little more research, that last party left you feeling a little undereducated and you aren’t that much of a jerk), but you just didn’t know he wasn’t always...

Huh. Well, the more you know. Can’t say you saw this one coming.

“Aha. Well i suppose i should part the curtain to some extent old chap. I was under the belief you were also trans like myself and a great number of our mutual comrades. Those of us of the transgender persuasion tend to spot these things but perhaps i was mistaken after all. My sincerest apologies!”

He thought you were trans? Why would he think that? I mean, you would never choose to be a man, so it’s honestly kind of funny. You chuckle, despite yourself, and punch him lightly in the arm. Boy, Jake sure is built, he probably won’t feel a thing.

“it’s totally fine dude! i just didn’t know. kinda funny how you thought i was trans though haha.”

“I suppose it wasnt a fair assumption on my part! But to move our conversation along from that i wonder if you wish to talk about what occurred back at the bar?”

“...i don’t think so, jake.”

“Jolly good then we can continue our playground exploits.”

Neither of you get up to any exploits. You just sit next to each other in the cool night air, swinging back and forth quietly.

“I hope you dont mind if i ramble on for a moment?”

“oh, sure, go ahead.”

“Splendid you just happened to remind me of some little moment of my past. I remember the first time i was at earth c pride. Mind you thats a lovely event and i highly recommend it. We all make a great showing there as a group of deific queer individuals and all that. But i remember passing by the transfeminine float and just not really understanding any of those girls. Sure we have our similarities and i adore my transfeminine friends to bits but i just couldnt imagine going out of my way to be a woman. There they are having the time of their lives in a feminine space i just never personally got on with. You know what i mean?”

Well, that’s uncanny, you were just thinking that same sort of thing about Jake and his gender. Must be a coincidence, right?

“i think so? i mean who wants to be a dude?”

“I did old chap and so i went out of my way to become one.”

“oh shit! sorry jake i wasn’t really thinking.”

“Youre quite alright mister egbert. Quite alright indeed.”

You pointedly stare into the darkness after your latest conversational disaster. Why do you keep tripping over your own feet whenever you talk to trans people? It’s getting really embarrassing, and as you turn back to look at Jake, you can tell he’s looking at you in a new light. Like he’s studying you, or thinking about something. Obviously it’s him knowing that you’re a terrible friend!

“You know...oh never mind. Are you beginning to feel better? You still look a bit rattled so if you want to turn in for the night then youre more than welcome to do so.”

“yeah, i think-”

“There you are, Eg8ert!!!!!!!!”

Vriska, dragging along a definitely somewhat tipsy Terezi, bursts through the trees in a blur of motion, coasting to a stop in front of you and Jake. She doesn’t look angry, honestly, she mostly looks worried. Now that’s an expression you’ve never really seen on Vriska’s face, she’s always so cool and confident, it kinda throws you off.

“um, yep. sorry about running away, i just...i wasn’t feeling it.”

“That’s a8out what I thought you’d say. Guess the 8ar wasn’t your cup of spiders, huh.”

“i guess not! wait, spiders?”

“Look, you could have just told me that you wanted to leave instead of making a 8ig dramatic exit! It’s fine.”

“1 THOUGHT YOU D1DNT KNOW HOW SOC14L 4NX13TY WORKS”

“What? No, I don’t know how it works, it’s o8viously f8ke-”

“Did you also do your research on the subject miss serket?”

“What???????? No, I-”

“H3H3H3H3 YOU TOT4LLY D1D JUST B3C4US3 YOU W3R3 WORR13D 4BOUT JOHN D1DNT YOU”

“Sh8t up!!!!!!!! It’s not import8nt!!!!!!!!”

“aw, really?”

“D3F1N1T3LY”

“Anyw8y!!!!!!!! I just wanted to say that if you wanted to come 8ack to our place instead of the 8ar, you’re welcome to do so. Is that so weird, Terezi?”

“TH3 3V1D3NC3 SUGG3STS 4N ULT3R1OR MOT1V3!!”

“8etrayed in front of the humans, I can’t 8elieve this.”

“oh, uh, not to interrupt or anything, but that sounds pretty nice. flying all the way home now sounds like a lot and i don’t really want to go back to that bar. i’m sure it was fun though!”

“1T W4S V3RY FUN M1ST3R BLU3 R4SPB3RRY”

“You’re 8iased, the prosecutor is intoxic8ed.”

“LOOKS L1K3 W3R3 3V3N ON TH3 B3TR4Y4L 1N FRONT OF HUM4NS COUNT3R S3RK3T”

You politely wave goodbye to Jake and just start walking. Once Terezi and Vriska get started, it takes a while for them to slow down. You know their apartment though, and you suspect they’ll get to it before you do somehow.

The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur. You fly into their apartment building, only to find their door (decorated with stickers and extremely weird memes printed onto cardboard signs) is already propped open. You don’t even want to look around their disaster of an apartment, or if they have any sleeping arrangements set up for you. You take off your glasses and collapse face-first on their ratty but still comfortable couch. You just need to sleep.

And so you sleep, your dreams filled with yearning and memories and things you would rather forget. It’s not important though. It’s not.

Chapter Text

The first thing you see when you open your eyes is blue, pink, and white. Definitely not at home in your own bed then. You’d don’t think you’d decorate in those- oh. You grab your glasses from the coffee table and shoot off the couch. Sure enough, there’s a large trans pride flag hanging on the wall in Terezi and Vriska’s apartment. You recognize it, of course, you did do your research last time you messed up your trans terminology.

But this really is turning into a bit of a pattern in your life. There’s both the Lalondes, Jade and Jake...probably more that you just never got to know about. And it’s great that they felt comfortable enough to tell you, even if it was only just recently! You passed the “good trans ally” test, or something like that? Or maybe it just came up in conversation and you just happened to be in the room. Nevertheless, it’s kind of interesting how a lot of your best friends are trans. Kind of cool, honestly!

Memories of last night hum in your head. God, what even happened back there? You were just thinking about the women in the gay bar, and then you freaked out. You can’t even remember why you freaked out, honestly, they just felt so real and you just didn’t feel that real. “Real” maybe isn’t the best word for what you saw in them, but it’ll have to do for now. There’s just something there that you can’t wrap your head around or explain away.

You resolve to slow down on the big public events and stick with just your friends for a bit in the future. Maybe you could have dinner with Rose and Kanaya, they make some of the most high-end meals you’ve ever had. Or some more game nights with Dave and Jade? Maybe Roxy too, but they’re really really good at games. Their gamer crown is unquestionable.

So who is gonna end up being trans this time? Terezi or Vriska? Or both, even, that’d be interesting alright. Wait, no, theorizing about that makes you feel weird. It’s not the sort of thing a good ally does, right? You’ll just wait for them to tell you! If they want to. Or not, that’s fine too. But they do have a trans flag just right there...

You sit down on the couch again. You’ll just thank them for letting you crash for the night, and then leave. Maybe stay inside your own house for a few more days. Hopefully not weeks...

“1 C4N H34R YOU H4V1NG 4N 4NX13TY 4TT4CK FROM TH3 OTH3R ROOM 3GB3RT”

Fuck.

“oh, uh, sorry. did i wake you up, terezi?”

“1 SUPPOS3 1TS 4CC3PT4BL3 S1NC3 1 W4S 4LR34DY UP”

Terezi, clad in an eye-searing oversized tee shirt with some old Alternian band and dragon print pajama pants, stumbles out of the hallway. She flashes a shit-eating grin at you, and heads behind the immensely cluttered counter into the kitchenette for some coffee and toast.

“SO 3G-DORK WH4T WORR13S YOUR L1TTL3 HUM4N M1ND”

“it’s nothing really, i was just thinking about some stuff.”

Terezi sniffs the air for a long moment.

“1T DO3SNT S33M L1KE NOTH1NG 3SP3C14LLY S1NC3 YOU R4N 4W4Y FROM TH3 B4R L4ST N1GHT”

“yeah...”

“LOOK JOHN 1 DONT KNOW WH4T 1S GO1NG ON 1NS1D3 YOUR TH1NKP4N BUT 1V3 SP3NT 3NOUGH T1M3 ON TH3 M3T3OR TO KNOW WH3N 4 HUM4N 1S TH1NK1NG 4BOUT SOM3 S3R1OUS SH1T SO DONT L13 TO M3”

“i wasn’t lying to you! i just don’t really know what i’m thinking about either. something definitely happened last night but i’m just trying to...i dunno, put the pieces together? figure out why i freaked out like i did?”

You groan and collapse back on the couch.

“W3LL...”

Terezi pours herself some coffee and leans on the counter. The mug has some hand drawn picture of a...what the hell is that, anyway? A Terezi Pyrope original, you figure. Why are you even looking at the mug anyway?

“1 DONT KNOW FOR SUR3 BUT 1F YOU W4NT MY TH3OR13S TH3N M33T M3 ON TH3 ROOF IN F1V3 M1NUT3S”

“why five minutes? wait, why the roof?”

“B3C4US3 1 W4NT TO F1N1SH 34T1NG BR34KF4ST F1RST 4ND B3C4US3 1 DONT W4NT TO W4K3 UP MY S3XY 4ND B34UT1FUL W1F3SPR1T BY Y3LL1NG 4BOUT G3ND3R 4T TH1S HOUR OF TH3 MORN1NG”

“i feel like i’ve been talking a lot about gender lately, terezi.”

“4ND YOU W1LL CONT1NU3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT G3ND3R FOR3V3R PROB4BLY 3GB3RT B3C4US3 YOU S33”

Terezi grins that uniquely smug toothy smile that no one else could ever pull off.

“1T W1LL N3V3R STOP FROM K33P H4PP3N1NG NOW G3T OFF TH3 COUCH 4ND G3T UP TO TH3 ROOF”

She gets up from the counter, steals one of the pieces of toast from the toaster as it dings, pours two or three other bottles of something in her mug, and heads out to the roof. You stare after her for a moment. You get the feeling this is going to be a very long day, and the pit of dread in your stomach isn’t showing any signs of dissipating either. Even so, you get yourself off the couch, grab the other piece of toast, pour yourself some coffee, and follow along.

It’s a cool day. The sun’s just risen, but it’s still very much obscured by clouds. You’re dressed for the club, not for the morning after, but it’ll have to do. Borrowing Vriska’s clothes would just be weird. Yes, she’s sent you her clothes before, but that was years ago and during the game. It’s different now. Everyone’s different now.

Terezi’s already up there, finishing off her piece of toast in a ravenous frenzy.

“why is your mug sizzling?”

“1T 1S MY S3CR3T R3C1P3 3GB3RT TH3R3S NO F4ST3R W4Y TO W4K3 UP 1N TH3 MORN1NG”

“is it just seltzer in coffee?”

“S3LTZ3R COFF33 R3D BULL 4ND 4 D4SH OF FR4NKS R3D HOT”

“oh my god.”

“DONT KNOCK 1T T1L YOU TRY 1T”

“i’ll pass, thanks.”

“YOUR LOSS”

She sips the diabolical concoction without even flinching. You decide that Terezi might, in fact, be one of the scariest people you know.

“SO YOU C4M3 UP H3R3 4FT3R 4LL HUH”

“i guess i did, haha.”

“1 F1GUR3D 1T W4S JUST 4S L1K3LY TH4T YOU WOULD FLY OFF 4G41N 4ND L34V3 M3 TO H4V3 BR34KF4ST 4LON3 BUT 1M H4PPY YOU STUCK 4ROUND”

You take a bite of your toast. It’s...dry toast alright. You should have probably put something on it.

“SO WH4TS TH3 S1TU4T1ON JOHN??”

“it’s kind of a weird situation, honestly, but do you know about trans stuff?”

Terezi laughs and sips her beverage.

“1M TR4NS STUFF SO Y34H 1M PR3TTY UP TO D4T3 ON TH3 SUBJ3CT”

“oh, uh, cool! good to know, that’s not really an issue for me or anything! sorry if i don’t seem as excited, this isn’t really the first person who came out to me this week.”

“1 F1GUR3D 4S MUCH YOU W3R3 LOOK1NG 4T OUR FL4G FOR 4 WH1L3 B3FOR3 1 S41D 4NYTH1NG”

“how long were you standing there?”

“TR4D3 S3CR3T 3GB3RT!! 1 H4D 4 F33L1NG TH1S W4S WHY YOU ST4Y3D SO WH4TS YOUR G3ND3R THOUGHTS TH3S3 D4YS??”

“my thoughts? uh, i mean, it’s kinda cool? that all my friends are trans. very cool even.”

“OH 1 SEE 1M B3G1NN1NG TO UND3RST4ND WHY W3 C4LL3ED YOU 3GG-B3RT”

Terezi sighs and shakes her head dramatically. Your heart pounds in your ears. What does that egg thing even mean? You suspect it doesn’t bode well for this conversation, but you can’t confirm. Focus, Egbert.

“SO H3R3S TH3 TH1NG JOHN 1TS NOT JUST TH4T 1M 4 TR4NS L4DY”

“it’s not?”

“1M 4LSO NONB1N4RY”

“you can do that?”

“WHO WOULD D4R3 STOP M3??”

“wow...that’s pretty cool.”

“Y3S 1T 1S 1M V3RY FOND OF 1T”

“so do you use they and them pronouns, as well as she and her?”

“OH NO YOU M1SUND3RST4ND WH3N 1 S41D 1M V3RY FOND OF 1T 1 ME4NT TH4T QU1T3 L1T3R4LLY”

“...you lost me.”

“1 US3 SH3/H3R 4 LOT BUT 1 4LSO US3 1T/1TS PRONOUNS”

Terezi slurps her drink loudly. A bird that decided to perch on the roof flutters away, alarmed by the sound of a terrifying troll girl (shit, not girl, or not not girl?) slurping her strongest concoction.

“huh. i didn’t know that was an option for pronouns.”

“N31TH3R D1D 1 BUT TH3YR3 FUN NOW TH4T 1 H4V3 TH3M 1N MY PRONOUN R3P3RTO1R3”

“i can kinda imagine they would be! dunno if i’d use it and its personally, but still...interesting stuff.”

“Y34H MY WHOL3 TH1NG W4S SUP3R COMPL1C4T3D TO B3 F41R”

It sighs and raps its fingers on the railing, staring out towards the sky. Or it would be staring, if she could see. Wait, is Terezi just doing this to be dramatic?

“1 KN3W 1 W4S 4 G1RL BY TH3 T1M3 1 W4S OLD 3NOUGH TO S4Y SO WH1CH 1S HON3STLY PR3TTY N1C3 B3C4US3 NOT 3V3RYON3 COM3S TO 1T SO 34S1LY”

“yeah, haha...”

“WH4TS TH4T SUPPOS3D TO M34N HMMM??”

“oh! uh, nothing, really. just thinking out loud.”

“SUR3 YOU W3R3”

She laughs, but drops it, and thank god she did. You wouldn’t really know how to answer that question. Why did you say that, anyway? I mean, it is true that some people realize they’re transgender later in life, right? That’s what the websites said.

“BUT NOT B31NG 3NT1R3LY B1N4RY TOOK 4 WH1L3 LONG3R 1 M34N 1TS 34SY TO 4SSUM3 YOUR3 JUST ON3 TH1NG OR 4NOTH3R BUT K1ND OF TOUGH TO R34L1Z3 TH4T YOUR G3ND3R C4N JUST B3 4 FUCK1NG DR4GON OR TH3 L4W OR BOTH 4ND TH4T DO3SNT M4K3 YOU 4NY L3SS OF 4 GIRL 4S W3LL”

“...damn, terezi, you went for the coolest genders imaginable.”

“1 4M TH3 L4W!! >:]”

“so your gender is girl and dragon and the concept of the law all at the same time?”

“HOW 4STUT3 OF YOU 3GB3RT”

“and what’s with the whole egg thing then?”

“1 D1D S4Y TH4T OUT LOUD D1DNT 1”

“yeah you totally did!”

“D4MM1T W3LL TO 4NSW3R YOUR QU3ST1ON 4N 3GG IS TR4NS SL4NG FOR 4 TR4NS P3RSON WHO DO3SNT Y3T KNOW TH3YR3 TR4NS BUT 1M NOT 4S H1P W1TH TH3 L1NGO 4S VR1SK4 1S”

“hip with the...what? terezi, you’re cool as hell, you don’t need to pretend to be oblivious to modern slang.”

“NO 1 DONT BUT 1T 1S FUNNY 4S FUCK”

She finishes her coffee, stretching in the morning light, as the sun begins to creep from behind the clouds and illuminate the world in its golden haze.

“YOU KNOW 1 D1DNT R34LLY W4NT TO W4K3 VR1SK4 UP BUT SH3S 4LMOST C3RT41NLY TH3 B3TT3R P3RSON FOR YOU TO T4LK 4BOUT 4LL TH1S STUFF W1TH 1F YOU DONT M1ND R3L4X1NG UP H3R3 FOR 4 B1T”

“oh, don’t worry about it, i don’t want to wake her up!”

“DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T 3GB3RT 1 G3T TH3 F33L1NG SH3D B3 H4PPY TO T4LK!! 1LL S3ND H3R UP 4ND DONT YOU D4R3 RUN 4W4Y ON US”

And then it’s gone again, snickering quietly to itself as it goes. You sip your drink, trying to settle the nervous tremor in your hand through the fear of spilling hot coffee on yourself.

What was going on back there? Honestly, you could ask that same question about the last 24 hours, if not the last full week. Freaking out in the gay bar over the women that were hanging out there, always stammering and putting your foot in your mouth whenever gender is brought up, relating to what Jake and Terezi and Rose and Jade all said about their own experiences, the words you keep saying, the words other people keep saying.

Wait. There’s no way Terezi thinks you’re also transgender, right? That’d be ridiculous. Impossible, even! You’re a dude, you just kinda have to be a dude. I mean, most dudes don’t like being dudes, you know that. Dave and Karkat probably don’t, you think. Jake English is probably the only dude who actually likes being a dude that you know! Except Dirk...but you don’t know that guy too well either so he doesn’t count. And you’re fine at coping with being a dude, like most guys are.

So why would she suspect you aren’t a guy? I mean, sure, that’s a cool idea, it’s theoretically interesting. You know, just to think about it, conceptually, not in a real way. I mean, it would be cool. Just saying. To yourself, on the roof, currently hyperventilating for no reason at all. If you got to be a girl, or something, and could wear skirts and stuff. It would be fun to try out, maybe, but it does make your stomach twist. You’re not sure if it’s hurting or finally feeling good for once, but it sure is feeling some kind of way.

There’s no answer to that question, honestly. Maybe it’d feel weird to be a girl and then you could just go back to your normal shitty life, or maybe it’d feel right in a way you’ve never felt right before, and then you-

You should just go. You should leave again, like you always do whenever things get too intense at the bar or at your birthday or during the game or any time at all. They’ll understand, you know they will, it’s fine, everything is fine-

-----

“GOOD MORN1NG B4B3 YOU W4NN4 CR4CK 3GB3RTS 3GG”

“Fucking finally. I’ve 8een waiting a long time for this!”

Chapter Text

You’re standing on the roof of an apartment building, breakfast mostly forgotten in your panic. You don’t want to let Terezi down, she’s so cool and strong, but something about what it said doesn’t sit right. Like there’s something there that you can’t let yourself see.

If you’re looking at yourself objectively, some theoretical answers are right there for you to think about. But you can’t. You just...can’t.

So you need to go, that’s the only way out of this mess, and then you can be normal. You never have to think about this again. You breathe in, step onto the railing, let the Breeze pul-

“J8HN EG8ERT, GET YOUR STUPID ASS 8ACK DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!!!!!!!!”

Vriska, wearing a stained bathrobe over her normal tee shirt and jeans, kicks in the door with an expression that won’t accept fleeing as an answer. Fuck, fuck, this is what you were afraid of. You’re not gonna say no to her, but you-

You must have looked pretty conflicted there for a second, because she sighs and massages her temples.

“Look, I guess you don’t have to 8e here. I can’t stop you from doing your 8reathy 8ullshit and flying away. 8ut if you do leave, you’ll never know why you want to run away from a pretty normal question. You’ll never know why you react so strongly to all your friends 8eing transgender. Hell, if I’m right (of course I’m right!), you’ll never figure out why you feel how you feel right now.”

Why the thought of being a woman makes you feel so different, why the girls at the bar got to you so strongly, why your friends being trans makes you feel so so proud of them. Why you feel that twisting in your gut, even now...

You slowly float back down to the roof below, collapsing into one of those shitty plastic chairs that Terezi collects up here, your heart pounding out of your chest.

“Drink your coffee, Eg8ert.”

“...okay.”

Vriska sips her coffee and stares you down, and you return the favor. She looks tired, sure, but not angry at you. If anything, there’s a little twinkle in her eye that you don’t know how to define, somewhere between pity and joy. You don’t know how you must look right now, like you’ve never looked good or anything, but you’re definitely looking like a total mess.

“Fuuuuuuuuck, where do I even 8egin with you? I got so excited a8out this that I didn’t figure out where to start.”

“about...what? me freaking out and running away? but that’s just embarrassing.”

“Eg8ert, you’re fine. We all start off a little differently. You started out 8y running away like a scared wriggler!”

You try to take a sip of coffee, but she snaps her fingers suddenly and points at you.

“How well do you remem8er The Game?”

Well enough that you sometimes wake up screaming at the memory of Jack Noir’s sword cutting through y-

“well enough, i guess.”

“Gr8! Do you remem8er when we first started talking? And I sent over that cool as fuck outfit, one of my old looks? I know you still wear it, you had it on last night, in fact, you still have my shirt on right now!”

“oh yeah, that was super cool of you! it’s one of the nicest things that happened to me when i was playing sburb. and yeah, haha, it’s just a nice shirt so i still wear it sometimes.”

You tug at the collar of your shirt gently. It holds up, you think, even if you’ve been wearing it for years.

“I thought so. How’s the fit?”

“...perfect.”

“Mhm. How did it feel to have it fit so well, 8ack during the game? Right, in a way your other clothes didn’t feel? Did it make you feel like your 8ody made sense suddenly, or like it was your 8ody now and not someone else’s?”

You’re barely listening to Vriska by the end of her sentence. Yes, it did feel exactly like that, you remember it really well. The way the jacket flowed just a little bit differently around your waist, the jeans tight in a different way around your legs than your other slouchy jeans, the tee shirt with shorter sleeves and curves in a way that most men’s shirts don’t have, the shoes even felt...well, mostly the same, but knowing they were Vriska’s shoes meant something back then.

It did feel different. More than that, it felt like you were becoming someone different, or could finally just be without questioning it. Maybe that’s when the twisting in your gut started, or maybe it’s just when you couldn’t ignore it anymore, but that outfit was special. Even when you grew out of the shoes and pants, you still buried them somewhere in the back of your closet.

“how did you know about that? i mean, uh, they were cool, i guess.”

“Called it!!!!!!!!”

Vriska does a little fist pump.

“Well, it’s 8ecause that outfit did the same thing for me, 8ack when I still thought I was a 8oywriggler. They’re all women’s clothes, Egbert. 8utch as fuck clothes of course, have you seen me? 8ut the fit is different.”

“when you thought- oh, okay! you’re trans too.”

“That’s right! I, the gr8 Vriska Serket, am a transgender woma- wait, too????????”

“uh... yeah, i’ve had a lot of people coming out to me as trans in the last week.”

“F8CK! That was going to 8e so cool if I was the first one you found out a8out!”

“i mean, it’s still pretty cool! it explains the trans flag downstairs. wait, what was that you said about them being-”

“What, you think a hot 8itch like myself wouldn’t 8e proud? Get real!”

Vriska poses, while you think deeply for a moment. They’re women’s clothes, of course, that makes sense. They always were women’s clothes because Vriska owned them, so it’s not that big of a change, but it does feel different somehow. Your shirt feels hot against your chest.

“Look, Eg8ert, I don’t want any of this to feel that weird. I just kinda did the same thing 8ack when I was still figuring shit out, so I had a feeling you might 8e like me in that way.”

“wh-what kind of feeling?”

Vriska sighs, trying to make the words come out in the right order.

“May8e I’m just projecting, I don’t know! 8ut you always reminded me a little 8it of myself. I see a lot of my own insecurities in you, so may8e this time you won’t make the same mistakes. It took me so long to accept who I was, and you don’t have to do that! You can 8e just as cool as me, Eg8ert!!!!!!!!”

You’re...like Vriska? You can be like Vriska? That’s ridiculous, she’s so cool and strong and brave and kind of an idiot sometimes but in a cool way! She’s Vriska fucking Serket! And you’re not, right?

Or are you? I mean, if you could be like her...that’d be overwhelming. In a good way, actually! Your pulse pounds in your ears. Being that brave and bold, holding that confidence in who you are, being- no, no, you’re not thinking about gender right now.

But that confidence...you would die for that confidence.

“Hmm, what's on your mind now, Eg8ert? :::;)”

You can’t even make the words come out of your mouth. It feels like you’re suddenly alive, or burning alive, or both at the same time.

“I mean, o8viously, who wouldn’t want to 8e as cool as me? 8ut you’re really reacting so strongly, it makes a girl wonder why you’d want to 8e cool like me, exactly.”

“um...”

“Is it 8ecause I’m just that cool? Yes, o8viously. 8uuuuuuuut...is it also 8ecause I’m a girl?”

You don’t know what to feel anymore. She might be right, it makes sense, but even admitting that it’s a possibility is just too much, too fast, too good. You can’t be a girl because...because...

It’s not just because she’s a girl, that’s secondary, it’s the confidence.

“it’s the confidence...”

“Oh? That makes a lot of sense. 8ut do you know why I’m confident? It’s 8ecause I know who I am! The 8est! And also a girl.”

Oh shit, you said it out loud! But...is she wrong? You can’t breathe.

“i...what does this mean?”

“You know exactly what it means, Egg-8ert!”

Vriska smiles with a victorious gleam in her eye.

“You’re happy wearing girl clothes right now. You like being compared to women. Most of your 8est friends are trans women specifically. The more you’re around queer women, the more you freak out a little 8ecause of how you feel so different from them. That’s dysphoria, 8y the way, if I’m right. And I think I am!”

The knot in your gut grows tighter and tighter.

“And don’t think I haven’t noticed how much you dislike 8eing called ‘John’.”

You flinch, despite yourself. Why did you flinch? No, you know exactly why you flinched, and you’re stuck in place. You can’t run away from this.

“Do you even like 8eing a dude????????”

“most guys don’t! how would you know?”

“Nope! Most dudes do! I asked around and it’s very consistent, almost every man would prefer to 8e a man. May8e they’d want to try 8eing a girl for a day-”

“who wouldn’t?”

“Oh honey. May8e they’d try, 8ut they’d always want to go 8ack at the end of the day. Do you?”

You don’t know what to say.

“Eg8ert, you’re a girl. Just like me.”

She’s right. And that’s why you need to run away from this.

Chapter Text

In a heartbeat, you’re gone. Off the roof, dissolving into the Breeze, leaving whatever Vriska is shouting at you behind. You need a moment, you really need a long moment to yourself. And the Breeze obeys, taking you into its loving, dissociative arms once again. You’re everywhere the air is, every spot on the planet at once. It’s a sense of perspective you still find dizzying, no matter how many times you lose grasp of “John Egbert” in the Breeze.

Though it makes sense now, why you lost that name of yours. According to Vriska anyway. You...you don’t know how to feel about it, yet. It’s overwhelming, and accepting that you might...you could be...no. Not yet. Still not yet.

You’re outside the queer bar you went to last night, watching them sweep up the remains of a good night out that you couldn’t stomach. You’re inside Jane’s office, watching her employees work on building a better world (or whatever Jane’s doing). You’re in a hospital, watching a baby being born on the first floor, and watching an old man take his final breaths on the third. You’re not a man or a woman or nonbinary or anyone now, you’re just here. You’re just everywhere.

Eventually, after a timeless moment of being, you decide that this may not be the best approach to thinking through your current predicament. You’re...someone. Letting this all fall away isn’t working for you, and maybe it never was. You rematerialize a mile out from Vriska’s apartment building, shaking with nervous tension.

Where the hell do you go now? Vriska and Terezi are just too much for you, it’s insane. Jake’s been great, but he’s not going to give you the answers you’re looking for. Plus, you’d have to talk with Dirk, and Dirk...is a very particular man. Not really who you want to deal with right now. Jade’s your sister, you trust her dearly, and Rose is a genius in all things, but they can sometimes both just throw ideas around so easily that it makes your head spin. You check your Pesterchum and scowl. Plus, neither of them are online.

Roxy? Roxy’s cool. They’re the one who got you into this mess in the first place, after all, why not reach out? Now that you might be...a woman. Might, of course, you can’t just be a woman like that. Or maybe you already are one? Why is this so confusing? It’s a struggle to get your shaking hands under control for long enough to type out a message to Roxy.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] has begun pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]! --
EB: help!!!!
TG: if it aint the blue boi himself once again
TG: hold up i gotta put on my sexy 911 operator uniform
TG: with wizard hat included ofc
TG: whats your emergency sitch
EB: so i was just hanging out with vriska.
TG: already a wild start to any emergency but plz continue
EB: well, it’s more complicated than that, actually. after we had that fun video game night, vriska, terezi, and jake all invited me out to go to a queer bar.
TG: thats hella poggers did u have fun
EB: i kinda freaked out and left about ten minutes in.
TG: y tho
EB: it’s complicated and also not the emergency at hand.
TG: mkay continue with your emergency stories then
TG: im reserving the right to the full story later tho
TG: gonna get it a book deal and everything itll be sick
EB: what? whatever. anyway, i ended up spending the night at terezi and vriska’s house.
TG: omfg thats rad
TG: their lesbian trashcore apartment is the work of champions
EB: it is very on brand for them!
TG: did the sofa bugs get u
EB: no they did not. also, they shouldn’t have let me sleep on the sofa if there were bugs.
TG: good keep it that way
TG: so then what
EB: well to make a very long story short, vriska told me i was a trans girl!
TG: congrats bb
TG: welcome to being a girl im so fuckin proud
EB: what? no, i mean, maybe? or i don’t know?
TG: ohhhhh shit my b
TG: i figured you were already down with the girlness
TG: so she just up and said
TG: wait let me do the quirk
TG: hey 8itch8ert ur trans all the evidence points to this indisputa8le fact and also i am so cool and sexy
TG: followed by eight exclamation marks
EB: yeah pretty much!
TG: my art goes unappreciated in its time
TG: so why talk to me tho
EB: i kinda freaked out and flew away...
TG: so same as last time huh
TG: yknow this does start to make a lot of sense ngl
TG: like i didnt look at you and go “obvs fuckin egg right here” but i see it
TG: sorry didnt mean to sidetrack
EB: you’re fine, i...can’t say you’re entirely wrong, but i don’t really know who to talk to about this.
TG: hmmm
TG: u know who might be fucking perf for this situation
TG: rose
EB: really?
TG: yeah i mean she did say to reach out at the party a few days ago
TG: like if you had questions or w/e
TG: and now you have a lot of questions
TG: and shes the one who planned the queer bar thing and the gamer night thing so shes probs expecting this with seer majjiks
TG: plus ngl i have calliope over rn and theyre very cute and im gonna ask them for a kiss at some point maybe
EB: oh shit! sorry to bother you then!
TG: its cool they say hi and good job on the potential girlification
TG: not in those words but u know
EB: i don’t know what to think about that.
TG: thats ok bb take ur time
TG: rose is offline iirc so maybe just swing by her place
TG: shes home with kanaya so like probs no issue
TG: you and her are tight as shit so
EB: thanks roxy! i guess?
TG: np have fun

So maybe you read all that and freaked out a little. Maybe you flew halfway across town in a blind panic, and maybe you weren’t in your right head to such an extent that you lost control of your flight a little bit. Maybe you had just enough presence of mind to aim towards Rose and Kanaya’s mansion. It honestly doesn’t matter, because you just crash-landed in a plot of daisies and you have no idea if it’s the right house or not because your breathing is coming too fast and you can’t think straight.

You hear something coming towards you, footsteps in the manicured grass. Low muffled voices, recognizable voices though. You think you might just have gotten this right.

“Would You Mind Explaining Why You Have Found Yourself In My Daisy Plot Clearly Via Accidental Means”

“How about an ‘Are you okay?’ for him first, that may be preferable in such matters. Are you?”

“hi rose, hi kanaya. i’m...it’s been a weird day.”

You adjust your glasses. Both of them are obviously worried about you, with how they look you over. You hate to bother them like this, but...where else are you going to go?

“A Weird Day You Say”

“yeah i was over at vriska’s house, and some things got talked about...”

“Oh”

“Oh. I understand completely. Were these conversations, perhaps, of a gender-related nature?”

“...yes. she said that i...might be trans?”

“You had better come inside then, before my dear wife has further concerns vis a vis your continued prone position on her daisies. I am happy to help you process the last few days, even if I would have preferred a more...orderly appointment. My hours are very regular, after all.”

“sorry.”

“You’re quite alright. All is forgiven, though I may ask you to help Kanaya do some replanting in the future. For services rendered.”

There’s a smile on her face though, a real one, and it helps blow away some of the worst of your fears. You’re not being rejected for this, and that’s definitely reassuring. Rose helps you stand, and the two of you head back inside. Kanaya looks over the garden bed in a mild huff.

“Ill Leave The Two Of You To It While I Tidy Up If That Is Alright”

“Of course, dear. Perhaps some tea for our guest if you have a minute?”

“The Kettle Is Still Full From Earlier So It Should Be No Issue”

“Excellent.”

You don’t look around Rose’s mansion for now, you’ve been here more than a few times for a nice dinner or a more formal-themed party. She’s done well for herself, and as she drags you off, you can’t help but appreciate her style. Except for that...no, wait, is that Dave’s handwriting on...couldn’t be. It couldn’t be an actual Dave Strider Seel of Raditude, right?

You eventually sit down in a quiet room with some very soft chairs. Rose must have grabbed the tea kettle as she passed by, pouring the two of you a cup of something warm and fragrant. It calms your nerves, just a little.

“Are you feeling any less overwhelmed?”

“yeah, i think so...sorry about the crash landing, haha.”

“Again, it is no issue. They are merely the daisies, if you had landed among the roses then you might have been more seriously injured. Not to mention the injury to my pride via my namesake.”

“yeah, good point.”

“So, if we’re going to start this off right, let’s get our timeline in order. I’m very familiar with what happened during our previous meeting together, but what happened since? Did my little queer bar scheme go awry?”

And so you tell her everything. The bar, the panic you felt, the meeting with Jake, the sleepover at Terezi and Vriska’s apartment, the talk with Terezi about gender, Vriska telling you that you’re a girl, your paranoia, your euphoria. All of it.

“and i just...don’t know what it all means now. am i a girl? or not? or maybe nonbinary as well like roxy or terezi. i don’t know and i don’t know how to know for sure.”

“Well, I suppose this was an attempt to throw you into the metaphorical deep end of gender identity, and so it did. I’m sorry that it spawned such a terrible mess, as it was never meant to cause this amount of distress, merely prompt some questioning.”

“so you wanted to do this?”

“To a certain extent, yes.”

Rose sips her tea, looking surprisingly sheepish.

“I saw your behavior at the event that Roxy held at their apartment. Perhaps I was reading further into it than I had reason, but I felt as if you may be experiencing some form of gender awakening later in life. More specifically, that you could be a transgender woman like myself.”

You breathe as steadily as you can. It still hits you somewhere deep, hearing that.

“oh?”

“Yes. It was a hypothesis, nothing I could conclusively prove in any direction, but we often recognize our own before they recognize themselves. I decided to gather more information instead of intruding on your personal journey, though it seems that led to a far more...blunt intrusion from Vriska. She really is prone to such outbursts. I had no part in her commentary, though I may not entirely disagree with its conclusions. I would have much preferred if you had come to such a conclusion on your own terms, and then come out to me more personally.”

“that makes a lot of sense, rose, thank you. if things had gone according to your plans, that would have been pretty nice, but...well, here we are?”

“Here we are indeed.”

“am i a girl?”

“You tell me.”

You don’t know if you can admit it to her, not really. You can’t even fully admit it to yourself, even if you can’t pretend it isn’t there.

“Or not. I am quite familiar with being unable to properly admit the reality of the moment. After all, I had a similar experience before I began my own transition.”

“you did?”

“Naturally. In retrospect, of course, it appears obvious and inevitable. But it only appears as such due to such a perspective. At the time, I was terribly confused about it, unable to rationalize the question of gender in as natural a way as I could with mathematics or literary analysis. I may be able to list the points in favor and against my own transition, and in fact did exactly that. But it wasn’t the pros column that swayed me in the final tally.”

“so what worked?”

“Do you really wish to know? It is a well-kept secret in the transgender arts, after all. It should answer your questions, but once you know, you can never fully forget it. You cannot put the bunny back in the box.”

You can’t help it, you chuckle at that.

“those nic cage movies were so trashy in retrospect. i still watch them sometimes but they aren’t my favorite anymore or anything haha.”

“Not as invested in your previous masculine icons?”

“wh- rose!”

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

She gives one of her dignified little laughs. You wonder how long it would take you to learn that laugh, if you wanted to. You missed this though, you two have been friends for what feels like your entire lives, and laughing together at psychoanalysis and Nicolas Cage feels like the two of you haven’t changed a bit.

“So, do you wish to know?”

“yes! yes i for sure do.”

“Very well. In all honesty, it was the fact I was trying to prove my own identity to myself, one way or the other. The fact of me questioning my own identity, and needing to justify that I was one way or the other, is a very clear indication that the questioner is not secure in their identity. In this case, the question is the answer.”

“...i don’t know what that means, rose.”

“Cisgender people don’t usually need to prove to themselves that they are their gender, or explain it as a fact of their existence. They may entertain an idle curiosity with becoming another gender, or question their own place within their gender, but they know it as theirs. I placed the burden of proof on being cisgender, and so was unable to prove that I wasn’t trans.”

“they don’t? i mean, everyone’s been saying they had their own questioning process.”

“That’s because most of us are trans as well.”

“right, yeah, that makes sense.”

“The most interesting part, of course, is that a cisgender person would not have asked what caused a transgender person to accept themselves with such fervent curiosity as you have just displayed.”

“...what?”

“The question is the answer. If you have come all this way to ask a transgender woman if you are also a transgender woman, there is a very high chance you are one, because the average person who does such an action would only do so because of their own inability to admit their identity.”

“sounds like a bit of a reach.”

“Perhaps. But cis people don’t often do the same.”

You can’t really argue with that. This time, though, it feels safe in this room. This time, she’s not forcing you into anything you aren’t ready to admit. It’s been a long day, a long couple of days, but now...you think you can try breathing as yourself. You smile at Rose, and she smiles back, and you feel like something inside you has moved the last puzzle piece into place.

“Are you a girl?”

“i...”

-----

“hi kanaya!”

“Oh Hello There I Have Some Tea If You Are Feeling Parched”

“no thanks i’m good for now!”

“Well Dont You Look Particularly Cheerful Today I Do Not Believe I Have Seen This Demeanor On You Before”

“kanaya i...i’m a girl!”

“Oh My Well This Is Certainly A Matter For Celebration So I Can Understand Your Excitement”

“yeah it’s a real load off my mind haha!”

“Your Laughter Certainly Seems To Have Crossed The More Conventional Thresholds Of Your Behavior But I Will Simply Have To Chalk This Up To Your Celebratory Behavior”

“yeah!”

“Ah”

“whoops!”

“Are You Quite Alright”

“yeah i’m feeling great! i might just fall asleep on this couch though honestly, it’s been a long day. but i’m a girl! i’m a girl!!!!”

“Very Well Then Is There Perhaps A Name You Would- Oh And Now She Is Asleep So Perhaps I Will Leave Her Some Tea For When She Reawakens As A Show Of Good Will”

“She’s had a terribly long day, Kanaya, I would leave her be.”

“Mmm Well I Wont Argue With That And Perhaps Tomorrow Her Day Will Be Sufficiently Brighter”

“That I am assured of, dear.”

Chapter Text

After finally waking up on your friend’s couch, and managing to get through a breakfast at the Lalonde-Maryam household without putting your foot in your mouth (not always an easy victory when snarky broads are concerned, even if you are now also a snarky broad!), you’ve made your way over to knock on Roxy’s apartment. They were worried about you, right? And now you know they were right about everything.

The door swings open, revealing Roxy themselves. Clearly half-asleep in an oversized tee shirt with some niche electronica artist on it, they nevertheless perk up when they see you at the door.

“egbert hopy shit what time is it”

“i’m a girl!”

Well, maybe you didn’t think about any better way of putting it before blurting it out, but Roxy doesn’t seem all that surprised.

“o shit congrats babe you want some coffee or somethin”

“...yeah, i could go for some coffee.”

“tite”

You follow Roxy back into their apartment. It hasn’t changed much since you last saw it, a different game paused on the television notwithstanding. They pour two mugs and get you situated on the old couch. Funny how these things come full circle.

“sorry about not hootin and hollerin in celebration bc i am rly fucking excited and happy for you but ive got callie in the next room sleeping rn”

“oh! sorry, i’ll be quiet. but...yeah, it’s really nice. and confusing! but still nice.”

“like a load off your mind”

“yeah exactly! how’d you- wait, of course you know the feeling.”

“lmao ur still the same old egbert even if shes a blue babe now”

The little thrill about hearing someone call you “she” hasn’t faded in the slightest. You hope it never goes away.

“do u use she her actually i shoulda asked”

“yeah i’m sticking with those for now. i mean, there’s a lot of pronouns out there, maybe i’ll try them on later, but i’m really enjoying she/her right now.”

“alright cool just checking egbert also just fyi i am so fuckin proud of you rn you have no idea”

Their eyes practically sparkle as you sip your coffee. If you’re reading Roxy right, they’re barely restraining their excitement too.

“oh ok so heres a question you gonna change your name like i didnt but a lot of us did so no biggie if you wanna swap out the old one”

They brush back a loose strand of hair a little sheepishly.

“tbh i kinda guessed you werent into your name pretty early on but i dont wanna rush you on this ofc”

“actually, that’s kinda why i came here, roxy. besides letting you know that i’m okay, of course! i want your input on names, i’ve been making a list of girl names that were for any theoretical kids i’d have for years.”

“as cis men often do ofc”

“obviously!”

You feel yourself start to giggle, and you don’t hold it back for the first time in your life. Eventually, you pull the list you jotted down on a piece of Rose’s fine stationery. You...don’t really know what you’re gonna do with this.

“so there’s a few names here. suzy was an old character i made, eliza is just a cute name, june would be nice to keep things in the family, kara is really exciting as a name...”

“none of these suck at all but do any of them feel good if you think of them as you”

“...maybe? how can i tell?”

“just think about it egbert like say hi my name is suzy egbert and see what that feels like”

You do think about it. Suzy Egbert...it’s a good name, but it’s not you, is it. That’s someone else, someone that doesn’t suit you. Kara is just a little too powerful of a name for your vibe, honestly, good for your imagination though! June...June Egbert.

“...what do you think about june?”

“good as fuck name imo i dont wanna influence your decision or anything but im pro june like here let me get into character real quick”

They straighten up as if you just walked in the door, with a wide smile crossing their face.

“hey junebert junebug june whats the mood”

Now, after everything, you know what that pang in your heart is, the knot twisting- no, unknotting itself.

“i’ll think about it but that’s a good one!”

“lmao yeah it is juney i saw that dorky smile on your face”

“what dorky smile?”

“euphoria smile duh oh shit hi callie”

You turn to see Calliope, clad in her own oversized tee shirt, some sort of ostentatious wizard printed on it, sleepily making her way out into Roxy’s apartment. They give you a once-over.

“oh! good morning there. pardon me, i didn’t hear yoU come in.”

“hi calliope! guess what?”

“jUdging by that smile, can i gUess good news?”

“very good news! i’m a girl! kinda just figured it out yesterday, haha.”

“you gotta tell me the full story sometime egbert curious minds want to know who finally cracked ur egg”

“rose, in the end. but also vriska? and kind of all my friends, in some ways.”

Roxy gets up to kiss Calliope on the cheek and gets to work on breakfast. Oh, they’re...oh. Maybe you should go before you get too heavily involved in their business.

“anyone else know tho”

“only you two and rose and kanaya right now know for sure? i’ll...figure out how to talk to the rest of them.”

“that yoU will, dear. i have faith in yoUr wisdom in this matter!”

“maybe hit up jade next if you want my take shes gonna lose her shit”

You grin, finishing your coffee and getting off the couch. That she will.

“maybe i will then! thanks for everything roxy, sorry i can’t stay longer!”

They move through the kitchen to give you a major hug before you can even make your way to the door.

“no worries babe and like i know im repeating myself but holy shit i am so happy for you!”

You smile into their shoulder. It’s so much joy, your heart can barely hold it all.

-----

It takes you a bit to work up the nerve to tell someone else. You know who you are and how you feel, sure, but Jade is someone you’ve known for most of your life. Practically your sister, ectobiologically speaking! Jade matters to you, and even if you know she’s going to be accepting, it’s still something that takes some confidence.

So, let’s plan, June(?). Jade would want some food while she talks, right? You place the order, get some Mexican food headed your way, hopefully she likes it. Next...well...you have to ask her something. It’s not that hard, right, you just have to type it out.

Your finger hovers over the button. Send it, c’mon, not that hard. And...

EB: hey jade, can you come over to my place when you have a minute?

No response. You idiot, you totally blew i-

Whatever self-deprecation tangent you were about to go on is quickly distracted by a shower of green sparks forming on the couch into the shape of Jade Harley, with a worried smile plastered on her face.

“hey john! whats the situation?”

You wince slightly, and so does Jade. She pats the couch next to her for you to sit.

“actually that’s kinda what the situation is, jade...you remember when we had that fun time over at roxy’s place last week?”

“yeah it was fun!!! what about it?”

Her eyes widen suddenly as you sit down.

“wait is this about gender stuff???”

“...yeah? so i was talking to people after that and uhh...i’m a girl, to make a very long story short.”

Jade’s smile in that moment is a sight you might never forget, followed immediately by her leaping across the couch to practically crush you in a Jade Harley trademark tacklehug. She really is so strong, it’s almost hard to breathe between the catharsis and her crushing your ribs.

“oh my god i was hoping so the whole time!!! i thought you seemed off at the game night and then i was talking to rose about this and came up with the idea to take you to a queer bar and she owes me ten bucks i think and then i was really scared that i went too far but you did it!!! i have a sister!!!”

“i’m...oh my god, i am your sister! wait, what was that about ten bucks, no, never mind, i’m just so happy right now.”

You slowly exhale. Whatever it took to get you here, whatever you thought you were worried about with Jade, you’re here now. You’re okay. No, actually, you’re way better than okay. You’re happy.

“...so i gotta ask. new name and pronouns sis?”

The idea that you’re sisters sends a jolt of euphoria coursing through your entire body, you can’t keep the smile off your face.

“she/her for sure right now. i’m still kinda thinking about names, but there’s one right now that i think might stick.”

“really? what is it?”

“...june. june egbert. do you think it’s a good name?”

She slowly lets go of you, finally letting you breathe for a moment, and looks at you almost seriously. For a second anyway, before she shakes your hand and her face cracks open into a wide smile.

“its nice to meet you june!!! the real you!”

Yep, that was it, the perfect fit.

“that’s my name!”

“yeah thats your name!!!”

You laugh out loud, surprising yourself with how easy it is now. You think you might like June Egbert a lot more than who you were before.

The food arrives soon, and over a meal of greasy tex-mex (though Dave’s taken a personal stance on the quality of tex-mex in all its forms), you explain what happened after that night at Roxy’s. The bar, the talk with Jake, Vriska and Terezi, the crash into Rose’s garden, and the rest. She laughs along with you. It’s nice, you think, to be sisters. You could get used to this.

“so when are you gonna tell vriska?”

The question shakes you out of your reverie and back into reality. Oh, right, you did totally freak out and leave her on a rooftop. But being back there...

“i dunno, jade. probably soon but i kinda made a mess back there, running away from her and all that.”

“definitely soon!!! shes not the kind of person who likes talking about it but vriska gets really worried about you”

“wait, she does?”

“yeah!!! june we were all really worried about you especially when you didnt talk to any of us for a month! you were really dysphoric huh? i wish i had noticed sooner...”

Oh. It was dysphoria, wasn’t it?

In retrospect it makes a lot more sense, but you didn’t realize at the time. You didn’t let yourself feel anything, especially not the idea that you could just be a girl. You feel the tears trickle down your face and you can’t tell if they’re from joy or pain. Jade hugs you again, softer this time.

“hey june its okay i get it, i cried a lot when i first came out too! it just made things click right?”

“yeah...”

“you have the rest of your life to figure this out june it doesnt have to happen overnight! i dont think vriska should have cracked your egg in the way she did but if you feel up to it you can go tomorrow?”

“yeah...yeah. thanks jade! i don’t think i can go right now honestly but uh, if it’s not too much to ask...”

“yes im staying for a sleepover june! you couldnt stop me from staying the night if you wanted to! im gonna give you so many skirts and teach you how to wear nail polish and show you makeup and its gonna be great!”

Of course she knew what you wanted. Jade knew who you were before you even let yourself consider the possibility. The stress, the pain, the confusion of the last couple weeks all start melting away. You’re here now. You’re you now, and you don’t think anyone you know will let you forget it.

-----

Jade really did hook you up with some cute skirts last night, and despite your insistence that those baggy shorts of yours are honestly fine, you can’t pretend that you aren’t a lot happier all dressed up. Not to Jade, who you really understand just a bit better now, and she understands you all too well. A cute skirt, one of Jade’s old tee shirts, bright blue nails, and Jade doing her best pep talk is all it takes for you to head off this morning towards Vriska’s apartment.

She texted you last night. Hell, Vriska’s been texting you since you left, more concerned than anything else. You really just haven’t had the heart to text her back, but this morning (with Jade’s help) you sent off a message saying you’re okay and on your way. You’re already outside her apartment when you send the text, sure, but it’s a start.

And now here you are, in a cute skirt, sitting in Vriska and Terezi’s apartment, on the same couch you fell asleep on just a couple days ago, and both of them are staring at you. They know why you’re here, there’s no doubt about that. But they’re letting you start the conversation. You wish you could be thankful about that, but talking is so much harder when you know you fucked up.

“uh...sorry about that? it’s been a really weird couple of days.”

“I can tell.”

Is Vriska mad at you? Oh shit. You know better than to have Vriska mad at you for long.

“sorry! i just...wasn’t ready to hear that i was a girl when you told me and i totally freaked out, and then i was having a gender realization and didn’t remember to text you back-”

“TH4T H4PPENS MOR3 OFT3N TH4N YOUD 3XP3CT”

“So you aaaaaaaare a girl?”

“well...yeah. she/her, working on a new name and everything, haha. you got it right, vriska.”

“C4LL3D 1T LM4O”

Terezi triumphantly sticks out her hand towards Vriska, who begrudgingly throws a few boondollars into its hand. Wait...were they all seriously taking bets?

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up! I worked so hard to make sure Eg8ert knew I wasn’t joking, and this is the thanks I get????????”

“1 D1D W1N TH3 B3T THOUGH”

“On a technicality!!!!!!!!”

“so you aren’t mad at me?”

They both turn to look at you. You decide that maybe you shouldn’t bring up the betting.

“No, Eg8ert. I’m a little annoyed that you ran away and didn’t tell me a8out any of this, 8ut I totally understand what you were going through.”

“sorry...”

“Don’t apologize to me, Egg-dork!”

Vriska reaches over and flicks your forehead.

“Not for that anyway. May8e apologize for hiding this really cute girl in your dysphoric 8u88le this whole time, 8uuuuuuuut that’s for l8r.”

You feel blood rushing to your cheeks. Vriska’s always been good at teasing you, but now, with how high your emotions are, it hits a little harder. Terezi pokes Vriska’s arm.

“M4YB3 S4V3 YOUR UNB34R4BL3 FLUSH CRUSH FOR L4T3R B4B3”

“Wh8t flush crush????????”

Terezi cackles and doesn’t respond. You guess that’s just some inside joke, probably.

“WH4T 1S YOUR N4M3 4NYW4Y YOU M3NT1ON3D 4 N3W ON3”

“oh right! i’m pretty sure i’m going with june! june egbert.”

“June, huh. I like it! It’s almost as cool as Vriska when it comes to new names. Aaaaaaaalmost!”

“how’d you even realize i was a gir-”

“JUN3 1 LOV3 4ND R3SP3CT YOU BUT YOU 4R3 TH3 L34ST SUBTL3 P3RSON 1V3 M4YB3 3V3R M3T”

“Exactly! I knew the whole time! Vriska Serket’s irons can now 8e taken out of the fire, 8ecause they’re fully forged!”

Vriska laughs.

“You 8etter tell the world a8out it, right June? Your friends are ready to support the f8ck out of you, and if they don’t, punch them!”

“VR1SK4 PL34S3”

“Punch them!!!!!!!!”

You can’t help but laugh too. You were worried, sure, and maybe you’ll apologize more about this later. It was admittedly kind of a jerk move to run away like you did. But with friends like this, who (despite their dubious methods) wanted to help you find yourself, you feel like you could take on the world and win.

-----

You swing by your house after that meeting, to freshen up a little. Dave’s next, you know that, and he’s the person who probably scares you the most. You’re bros, or at least, that’s what you thought you were. But he thinks of you in those terms and you know that, which is going to make him challenging to deal with.

You’re just about finished skimming through the hundreds of links to trans resources Rose and Jade are filling your DMs with, when you see a familiar green name pop up. Jake, of course, how’d you forget him? You consider responding to his texts, but no, it’d feel better to talk this out over a call.

It doesn’t ring more than twice before he picks up.

“What ho mister egbert? Are you feeling in tip top shape after those emotional fireworks not two nights hence?”

“oh uh, yeah! better than ever actually.”

“Jolly good old chap! Any other reason youve called me? I was just in the middle of a devilish scrap with our mutual strider acquaintance! The orange one to be more precise.”

You hear what sounds like Dirk doing some training, which is to say, you hear nothing at all. His cool and aloof schtick is truly unmatched, if not really your style.

“oh well that was kinda the thing? i’m...not really a chap, as it turns out?”

“Oh! My apologies old friend if i’ve been misgendering you this entire time! I was wondering if youd come around to some larger realizations after that night in the park but i never wished to intrude on your personal adventure of self discovery! Do you happen to have a name or pronouns i can use instead of the same old hat?”

You breathe a long sigh of relief that he’s taking this so calmly. Or at least, calmly by Jake English standards.

“she/her is fine, and i think...june? june egbert.”

“Well its terribly nice to meet you properly miss egbert! June is a lovely name to settle on if you dont mind me saying and i would be thrilled to send you a few of my old feminine ensembles and the like. I believe jade’s stolen the vast majority of my collection as they were technically ectobiologically hers to begin with but if there is any left it is yours for the taking!”

“oh wow, thank you jake!”

“Not a problem june! I am certain youll have a closet of your own to reupholster and rebuild from scratch and the least i can do is make sure any damsels in distress are taken out of distress posthaste!”

You can’t help but giggle at his antics. Honestly, you’ve been avoiding looking too deeply into your closet after Jade slept over, but you’re sure you’ll have a whole new one by the end of the week at this rate.

“Ah what is it dir- Dirk says.... Blast it all understanding your silent communication is difficult at the best of times old chap perhaps you’d better just say it? Thank you mister strider. Dirk says something along the lines of ‘congratulations on the gender’ whatever the dickens thats supposed to mean.”

“oh right, give him my best! oh, and if you get the chance to tell jane, go for it! i’ll tell her too in a bit, but i know she’s really busy.”

You honestly don’t know the layers of irony nested in that statement, filtered through a Jake English lens, but you think he’s cool with you. Pretty sure.

“Naturally miss egbert! I was awfully worried about your wellbeing and am pleased as punch to know youre back to your old self. Or perhaps even a new and more exuberant self!”

You say your goodbyes soon after, Jake being busy with one of Dirk’s projects and you needing to meet up with the other Strider in the family. Jake’s a good man, and while you weren’t worried he’d take things the wrong way, you’re still really happy that he’s accepted you, just as you are.

-----

You have to work up the nerve to walk into Dave and Karkat’s house. Sure, none of the people you’ve seen today have been easy to admit this to, but Dave is different. He’s always been a little too heavily steeped in “teh vaunted ironies” of masculinity, and while he has been working on that ever since he came out, there’s still a part of him that you’re worried about. Maybe he’s read some transphobic stuff, or- no wait, he made those Seels of Raditude for Jade and Rose, right? He’s gotta be supportive.

You don’t knock, of course, neither of them really know how to answer a door, and instead just pass through the dark house. You can vaguely hear Karkat intensely bemoaning some kind of hot take in the movie room (of course Dave insisted on a movie room), and you follow the ranting.

“STRIDER, HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT LOVE SIMON IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT VIS A VIS TEXTUAL ANALYSIS”

“my text is always anal sis”

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN”

“idk oh shit hey john whats hanging”

They both turn away from their argument in front of a paused movie screen. The room is even darker than the rest of the house, but the assortment of almost couch-like seating makes up for it. You fidget nervously in the doorway, in your skirt and painted nails and staring at no one in particular. Karkat’s eyes widen slightly, and he punches Dave in the arm.

“SHUT UP FOR A SECOND DUDE, HEY EGBERT. TAKE WHATEVER SEAT YOU WANT OUR HIVE IS YOUR HIVE.”

You awkwardly find your place a couple seats away from the two of them. Dave’s jaw tenses, just a little bit, and you know that’s all the emotion you’re likely getting out of him for the next couple minutes.

“whats up you lose a bet or is this real shit bro hours or wait shit is it not even bro hours anymore damn thatd be wack to be the one token cis dude from our earth left”

“guess it’s kinda wack then.”

“oh”

You have no idea how to follow that up. This is not the best coming-out you’ve gone through today. After a moment, Dave gives a solid bro nod of acknowledgement.

“guess i better make a new seel of raditude for the lucky lady then”

“YEAH IT’S NOT LIKE YOU MADE THEM OUT OF CARDBOARD AND GLITTER GLUE OR ANYTHING, STRIDER. IS HE RIGHT, EGBERT?”

Karkat looks downright serious. You suppose this isn’t new for either of them, but this is so weird to work with. Where are their jokes?

“...yeah. i’m a girl, i think i’m going with june for a new name?”

“IT SUITS YOU”

“june egbert huh”

Dave thinks about it for another incredibly tense moment.

“yeah thats cool dude or wait shit dude doesnt really apply anymore huh how about girl is that still cool or is gender neutral dudeality preserved in this household”

“yeah, girl is cool. maybe hold off on the dudealities for a little bit, just so it can sink in?”

“tight by the way im gonna hug you now if thats gucci”

He’s across the room in the blink of an eye and envelops you in a deep hug. You let out a sigh, and with it, a lot of your apprehension. Dave’s a cool kid, sure, that’s what he’s said for most of his life, but he’s also one of the more socially awkward men you know when things get serious.

Karkat joins him a few seconds later, and you let their warmth sink in for a moment. It’s been a really long couple of days.

“howd you know if you dont mind me asking”

Dave sounds surprisingly timid, though he could just be holding back his tears. Typical Dave, you suppose.

“i felt really dysphoric for a month straight, hung out with a bunch of my friends, learned they were all trans, and then vriska and rose told me what i needed to hear. even if i wasn’t all the way ready for it, haha.”

“YEAH THAT SOUNDS LIKE VRISKA TO ME, SHE HAS A WAY OF CRACKING OBLONG LUSUS CONTAINERS”

“what?”

“dont even worry about it june”

Dave says your name with a certain reverence, almost like he’s letting it dissolve on his tongue, as he gets used to the new name.

“and dysphoria feels like how rose and jade describe it too for you huh”

“sorta? like this gray haze that covers up everything. you know how when you look in the mirror, you just kinda see all the wrong things? like you’re disconnected from yourself, and there’s this knot in my gut i had that’s finally unwinding? sorry, it’s just so much more noticeable now that i know what’s going on, you know? and honestly gender euphoria is the big one, and i’m getting a lot of that, haha.”

“i get that girl like damn who doesnt feel gross as shit when they look in the mirror”

“SOMEONE PROBABLY?”

“yeah maybe”

You...you’re going to have to unpack that later, but you’ve only been a girl for all of two days! Honestly, you’re probably just projecting onto Dave. Everything in your life feels like it’s about gender right now, especially with how happy you feel now that you know yours.

Eventually, Dave and Karkat back off, and you all find your seats once again.

“SO WHAT NOW?”

“i don’t really know, honestly? now that everyone knows who i am, i mean. it feels like it should be a bit more...i dunno, dramatic? it’s just been a bunch of little moments so far.”

“do you want it to be dramatic”

“...go on.”

Dave clears his throat, regaining at least some of his famous coolkid persona. He’s trying his best, you can tell.

“so i literally just helped plan a coming out party last month with roxy but shit between me and them we might be able to top the last one and get you a super fun time”

“really?”

“yeah why not june besides that means i can bring roxy and jade on it and those two are almost better at throwing rad parties than yours truly though only almost gotta keep up the strider cred vis a vis party throwing”

“YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHAT VIS A VIS MEANT!”

“i taught that phrase to you dude you dont have troll french”

“EXCUSEZ-MOI AND ALSO FUCK YOU?”

“oh shit uh omelette du fromage”

You laugh, watching them head off in their own little tangent. You can’t help it, the stress of the last week culminating in such a casual moment of goofing off just feels right. There’s a party coming to celebrate you, all your friends are supportive, and you finally know that you’re a girl.

You feel like you’re floating, and maybe you literally are with your god tier powers, but right now you’ve never felt so free. And this time, you’re really going to enjoy the party.

Chapter Text

And well, as far as you can tell from Dave and Roxy running around your house, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. They sent out the invitation right after you talked to Dave about a party, clearly having worked out some kind of madcap scheme in record time, but you trust them to throw a party worth remembering. Jade came over to help with setting up as well, using her Space powers to carry the piles of streamers and balloons and a banner saying “It’s A Girl!” that Roxy absolutely insisted on.

You tried to help, sure, but they insist that this is a party for you, and that they’ll take care of everything. It’s a funny feeling, being cared for like this, and not even in the self-sacrificing way that you know Dave has a habit for. It’s just friends coming together to celebrate you being you, and that warms your heart a little bit more just to think about.

But the party’s coming soon. Kanaya, when let in on the scheme, said something about Having Miss Egberts Measurements Already Set Up (whenever she took those), and sent over a lovely dress. So lovely a dress, that it’s still sitting on the bed, and you’re just staring at it, unable to move as you think it over.

It’s just a dress, really. A piece of fabric. Sure, you know that clothes don’t define someone’s gender, and you’ve been wearing that skirt Jade left you all week but...this is gorgeous. A sky blue dress (you’re not sure what kind), subtle swirling patterns stitched into the flared skirt to evoke the Breeze, thick shoulder straps and a scooping neckline to hold the whole thing together. It’s a beautiful piece, all light and carefree, and made especially for you.

It’s too good for you.

“are you almost ready june? the partys gonna start pretty soon”

You silently thank Jade for snapping you out of that dysphoric spiral as she opens the door a crack.

“yeah i will be, i’m just kinda...thinking, i guess? kanaya did a really good job on this dress on such short notice, i kinda feel bad about wearing it haha.”

“she did do a good job and its gonna look really good on you!!!”

“i sure hope so.”

“aw june thats the dysphoria talking isnt it?”

You chuckle a little, running the fabric gently between your fingers as you play with the dress. You know it is, and you know Jade knows. Thankfully, she doesn’t push it, not today anyway.

“do you want some help putting it on?”

“...i think i’ll be okay, thanks jade.”

“okay if you say so!!! youre going to look great in it june and once youre done, roxy brought over some of their makeup for you”

“that’s really nice of them!”

“yeah we want to make sure you feel good about yourself today!!! so quit moping and put on the dress already sis!!!”

Jade smiles and vanishes in a flurry of green sparks. You slowly raise the dress to your body, and look down, watching it gently sway as you move. You know, now that you’re giving it a fair chance, maybe this dress will work on you after all.

-----

You open your eyes at Roxy’s prompting. They’re good at makeup, you’ve always known that, but looking at yourself in the mirror now is so different. You look cute! Like, actually cute, not just like some handsome stereotype of a masculinity that was never really yours. Sure, you don’t exactly pass (and Rose would give you an earful about passing being overhyped and a complicated topic of discourse if she ever heard you say so), but you can’t look at yourself now and pretend to be anything less than the woman you are.

The makeup, the dress, and most importantly the shy little smile on your own face. It paints a picture you’re content with, just for a moment. If you tilt your head the right way, you can almost see...something. Someone, who is you and is more than you.

“thanks roxy, it’s perfect!”

“lmao np makeup is fun as shit”

“yeah, i see why you like it!”

“exactly juney b jones like even if im not doing like ultra femme shit anymore im still wearing makeup to look hot af and i can still throw funny paint on your face to make u also look hot af”

The shy smile on your face turns into a gentle little laugh. Roxy giggles too as they pack up their makeup kit. You think this might just work, all of this might work.

“cmon june lets go join the party”

-----

They really went all out on the party, that much is obvious from the moment you walk in. There’s a disco ball hanging from the ceiling that definitely wasn’t there before, and all sorts of little colored lights placed around the room. Dave and Dirk have a makeshift DJ booth set up, blasting some incredibly loud music about faces and shopping that you really don’t get, and Calliope runs over to Roxy to kiss them on the cheek (you had a feeling they had a thing going, Egbert obliviousness be damned.)

The room turns to look at you for a brief moment. In the brief pause, you give a quiet little wave. And the moment passes. People smile and wave at you or say hi, but they’re here to party with everyone you’re close to, and party they will.

Some folks compliment you right off the bat, of course. Jade punches you lightly on the arm and tells you that she was right the whole time, Jane runs up to you to give you a big hug and tell you about her latest plans for cheaper pharmaceutical products and if you want estrogen she can pull some strings, and Kanaya looks at you in a very appreciative way and tells you that she’s impressed with how well you pull the dress off.

Once you manage to extricate yourself from Jane’s incredibly strong muscles, you end up at the snack table with Vriska and Terezi. Vriska makes some aside about wondering if you’re blueberry flavored with a wink, and Terezi confirms that it’s true by licking your arm. You laugh and politely grab some seltzer, say something about wondering how Vriska can find out what you taste like, and she turns a bright cerulean and mumbles something incomprehensible into her drink. You’re...not really sure what she means by that, but you’re grateful all the same.

The Striders have taken up a pretty stable position as DJs extraordinaire, with their respective boyfriends stationed outside the booth. Jake keeps asking Karkat to dance with him, but Karkat keeps responding with his usual method of screaming curse words nonstop in a truly staggering display of lung capacity. Jake does pat you on the back and tell you he dropped off some clothes in a side room, and Dave waves you over to the DJ booth to hand you a handmade Seel of Raditude of your very own. He waves it off of course, it’s overtly no big deal for the coolkid supreme. But you can see the joy behind his glasses, and you know how much this means coming from him. You decide it means a lot to you too.

But being the center of attention has never really been your focus, honestly, even among your friends. You manage to float out to the balcony while people are dancing, the place where your knowledge of SBURB truly began, and look out at the stars on an Earth that you’re still learning to live in. You breathe in the night air, and slowly exhale, letting the Breath flow around your dress.

“June? May I join you?”

Rose slips out onto the balcony and leans against the railing, letting herself decompress in the same way you’re doing. There’s a long moment of peace, the silence being a little awkward for you, but Rose doesn’t seem to mind it at all.

“You wouldn’t happen to be planning on retiring from your own party, would you? Sleep deprivation is a dangerous beast, and I know you’ve struggled with such things in the past.”

“no, i feel pretty good actually! i’m not that tired.”

“That is good to hear, June. And I’m glad to see my wife’s dress turned out so well, it’s rather fetching on you, if you don’t mind one more compliment for the night.”

You still blush a little at the compliment, even with how many you’ve heard, and smile.

“she did a really good job! i love the way it swishes around my knees.”

“If I’m being entirely honest, that feeling doesn’t ever fade entirely.”

She swishes around in the air with a gentle little smile, watching her own dress spin around her. You know how she feels in that moment, just a little bit more.

“Gender euphoria is an experience best shared with friends, June. Don’t be a stranger just because you know who you are now. We will invite ourselves to dinner at your home. Regularly. That is a threat.”

“i will, i will! besides, i’d love to hang out with you all a bit more.”

“I’ll hold you to it. Feeling depressed and dysphoric in your room is no way to live.”

“yeah, i learned that one the hard way. i’ll stay with my community, really this time.”

“Then why not rejoin the party, if you’re feeling better? I suspect we’ll all be happy to have you around for longer.”

“...maybe a few more minutes?”

“If you insist. But I’ll hold you to that as well.”

You smile at Rose, then stare back out into the stars as you breathe together, your feet not needing to touch the ground.