Chapter Text
Really, Beomgyu did not intend for it all to happen.
He didn’t mean to let his shoulders hit the soft foam of the backseats. He didn’t mean to say please when Yeonjun asked him if he could kiss him with that exaggerated expression- didn’t mean to tug at Yeonjun’s shirt while kissing him as if when he’d let go, the other would slip right out of the space between his desperate fingers.
Not to mention, he didn’t mean to sloppily make out with his boyfriend in the backseat of his silver mercedes- right in front of Yeonjun’s parents home. In the middle of the night. He really did not mean to.
But it happened so consecutively- so fast and quick, like the beating of his heart- pittering throughout every inch of flesh in his body.
“My parents aren't home, they won’t see us.” Yeonjun says between long kisses, heavy breathing and damp air filling the small space of his car.
“Do you really want to risk this,” Beomgyu replies, fingers tugging and nails digging at Yeonjun’s waist. “What if they do come home? And then we’re fucked.” Beomgyu’s eyes are full of doubt when Yeonjun stops biting and kissing near his trachea.
“Shouldn’t we go inside instead? To your room?” His lips are turned into a weak smile, agape and puffing out jagged bits of air.
“But,” Yeonjun starts, body leaning closer and closer into his boyfriend’s beneath him. “It's more exciting like this.” he says, as the faint rock music from the radio seemingly only gets louder. So loud, louder- then, the loudest. Like the small whimpers leaving Yeonjun’s lips every now and then. Beomgyu’s head feels dizzy.
He couldn’t even complain. As his long hair tangles and rubs on the seat beneath his head, and his stomach feels like exploding from the amount of fire running through his veins- with Yeonjun kissing his lips like he had never even done it before- as if it was the first time. He couldn’t complain- because his stomach just keeps on releasing butterflies while his boyfriend sits on his thighs, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
Escape.
How it feels- when he is with Yeonjun. Escaping from the burden of university, family and friends. It’s all wiped away from the front of his brain when Yeonjun gives him an all-too-sweet smile. When he takes his hands and says,’I'm here now’- when he kisses him like he is the most important person in Yeonjun’s life.
Because that's what Beomgyu wants to be. He wants to be important, at least to one person. Because being important to even your parent is difficult when everything feels like it's crashing down upon you slowly but surely, no one seems to care enough about your miniscule existence and smiling hurts more than when you cry.
Except for when he is with Yeonjun. Then, it feels like taking his hand is the fresh catch of breath his lungs have been begging and asking for- when he sits in Yeonjun’s car after another huge fight with his mother- yet forgets every single thing bothering him within the snap of Yeonjun’s fingers.
Before Beomgyu can blink, his shirt is already being pulled past his fluttering eyelashes.
“Yeonjun, Yeonjun hyung, -hyung, hold on.” he breathes, as Yeonjun already starts kissing every millimeter of skin beneath his collarbones that his eyes can reach.
It’s hard to say no to Yeonjun. Yeonjun- who reassured him so many times; don’t worry about it, my parents are not going to see us. Trust me.
And he wants to trust. Trust what he is saying. Yet why does he have to be so anxious all the time?
The song on the radio stops playing- and Beomgyu thinks he almost recognizes the song, Arctic Monkeys - Brianstorm? Now, the soft hum of radio moderators discussing god knows what over the sound of Yeonjun kissing his shoulders fervently is the only thing you can hear. And the words are so imperceptible- like they weren’t pronouncing it right. A cloud of smoke is floating before his eyes. When did it get so hot in the car? It's nearing the end of december.
“If you want to stop,” Yeonjun sits up on Beomgyu’s lap, fingers massaging circles on the brunette's abdomen. “Just tell me.” His eyes hold sincerity and his black hair holds thick hair gel. Beomgyu wishes his boyfriend wasn’t this hot. Shit.
And he shakes his head, the cold metal of the seatbelt clinging on his arm like ice stuck to a swollen wound. Winter is so cold outside, but Yeonjun is warm- hot, even. He doesn‘t even have to turn on the heater for Beomgyu to feel sweat trailing past his eyebrows.
The brunette could only do so much as breathe heavily, eyes anxiously checking outside of the car window located above his head every few moments as Yeonjun pops the button of his jeans open with a little force.
“Yeonjun, what would happen if someone saw us now?” Sweat forms at the tips of Yeonjun’s hair, landing on Beomgyu’s cheek- a hand coming up automatically to wipe at it.
“Then,” He begins, a kiss tattooed on his eyelid, then on his cheek- not soon after, between the space of his left eyebrow and hairline. “No,“ Yeonjun pulls back. “don’t think about that.” he says.
“Don’t ruin the mood now,” A hint of anxiety flushes past his face- gone as soon as it even appears.
“mhm-hmm.” Beomgyu sighs when curious fingers dip beneath his belly button. He throws his head back completely, vision filled with the icy window above his head. From here, he can see the slight outline of the moon and stars adorning its sides. There's tiny crystallized snowflakes frozen on the edges of the window. Other than that, there is complete darkness.
He wants to savor moments like these- because- who knows how long Yeonjun will keep up with him? Beomgyu can’t help the doubt spiraling through his mind every time someone shows interest in him. He thinks too much, too much and too often- about things that don’t matter.
They are in their last year of university, what if they break up after graduating? What if they never see eachother again? What if Yeonjun throws the towel, because Beomgyu isn’t a rational thinker- he is a pure feeler. He lets his emotions control him blindly. Yeonjun is the complete opposite.
The radio crackles a bit in the background and small raindrops hit the window in front of Beomgyu’s eyes. His hands shake as he grabs onto both of Yeonjun’s own.
“You’re not gonna leave me, right?” The light in his eyes is non-existent. “I need you.” And Beomgyu’s cheeks flush even more while speaking slow words. “Without you, I'm nothing.” He’s positioned on his elbows now, a silent drop of sweat falling down his chest. Yeonjun’s car isn’t small, but they're both tall- so personal space is close to none.
Yeonjun smiles. “Why are you asking this? I’d never leave you.” Beomgyu’s lips are met with Yeonjun’s own in a sweet, chaste kiss. “Lay back down.” he pushes Beomgyu’s head back so he can lay flat, timid eyes yet again fixed on the window.
Except this time, when Beomgyu looks outside of it, there isn’t a crescent moon sitting proudly next to bright stars. There isn’t a deep, hollow darkness stretched in front of his vision, because now there is a pair of eyes.
A pair of eyes he knew way too well.
Yeonjun’s mother.
“Yeonjun! Hyung, fuck, stop.” Beomgyu yells, hands already frantically trying to push his boyfriend off of himself and cover his chest.
The next thing he knows, there is yelling. So much of it. Not back and forth- just one sided. Yet it is so muffled- his mother‘s words overlap over each other through the thick glass of the car window. The sentences just aren’t coming through- with Yeonjun’s wide eyes and flushed cheeks- something along the lines of ‘what the hell are you doing, sin, god won't forgive you, get out‘ paints itself into Beomgyu‘s mind subconsciously.
There's no room to think, so Yeonjun hurriedly throws Beomgyu’s sweater in his face, already rolling his body forwards to the front seat. Then, the car engine roars to life, and Yeonjun drives out of that damned driveway faster than he’d ever done it.
The faint sound of Yeonjun‘s mother screaming profanities at the top of her lungs hollows, empties and trails after Beomgyu‘s mind. He absentmindedly looks through the back window of the car as Yeonjun drives with full speed and sees heartbreaking screams ripping through her frail body, tears pooling at her mouth.
They’re fucked.
And for around a dreadful minute, there's silence.
“Hyung,“ It's too quiet. The road is quiet, it's so dark.
“Yeonjun hyung, are you okay,“ Beomgyu whispers, his sweater pulled over his head and only one arm looped through the sleeve. His actions are slow, because everything that just happened was way too quick.
No answer.
Beomgyu‘s eyes snap up when he hears quiet sniffling from Yeonjun‘s direction. He leans forwards and sees loud, dwelling tears streaming down his face from the rearview mirror. Eyes are tainted red. Eyebrows are scrunched in pain .Yeonjun barely cried. If ever, out of happiness only.
“Stop the car Yeonjun.“ Beomgyu puts a hand on his shoulder, and senses the way Yeonjun already leans into it. It's like he could taste the discomfort- because he knows his boyfriend way too well.
So he stops at the side of the road and Beomgyu tosses himself to the front as well, legs flimsy as he embraces his older boyfriend in a hug as soon as the other catches his gaze.
“Its gonna be just fine, hyung.“ Beomgyu breathes into the others neck, tears already pricking the corners of his eyes as well. Crying wasn‘t hard for Beomgyu, he did it too often and then even more. An emotional wall between the two was so extremely non existent. Beomgyu blames it on his zodiac, simply understanding his boyfriend too well is just an extra.
“What the fuck am i gonna do, Beomgyu?“ Yeonjun stares with lips turned downwards. “I can’t ever go home again. Ever again.” His voice breaks towards the end, skin paling more and more as he speaks his own words.
“I know.” The tears Beomgyu recently harbored underneath his eyelids break free. “I'm here for you. We’re in this together.” Yeonjun cries loud, then buries his face into the crook of his boyfriends neck.
“I fucking hate this. I hate this so much. I hate that we have to be a secret. Or had to be- I guess.” Yeonjun whimpers, snot wetting the fabric of Beomgyu’s crewneck.
“Its okay,” Beomgyu starts silently petting the other’s short hair. “We haven’t done anything wrong. And i wish we didn’t have to hide it either- because,” His voice gives out mid sentence, throat clogging just a bit. “It's not wrong. Love can’t be wrong.”
Yeonjun looks up at him with red eyes. “I love you more than anything.”
Beomgyu nods, licking his dry lips. “I love you, too.”
The black haired boy’s face is now buried in Beomgyu’s clothed chest. “I want to be so close to you, I just want to disappear. I wish I could hug you so tight I could slip inside of your body.” Beomgyu’s heart does a couple backflips as his fingers massage the other’s scalp. Yeonjun’s hot breath and tears are dampening his sweater.
Beomgyu is mute as Yeonjun sobs with that certain pain lacing itself through their minds.
In reality, to everyone except themselves, Yeonjun and Beomgyu are just best friends. Always have been and always will be, they say.
They're in a band together, they study the same major, go to the same university and are never actually spotted separately. Most days are spent inside either of their rooms, writing mediocre music or studying together. No one could have compared- even Hueningkai, their other band-member and drummer never questioned it.
Yet not even Hueningkai knows- no one does. And no one was supposed to. Not until today.
The three of them are inseparable, yes- the certain distancing brick wall of Yeonjun and Beomgyu’s hidden relationship is practically see through . The small band shared the same hobbies- and things fell into each other over time. It's not like they are striving to be famous or anything- no, they'd simply wasted too many summer evenings screaming their lungs out and Beomgyu callusing his fingertips just to receive angry complaints from neighbors... because they can . Because they could do so many things- because life seemed too short for such a long time .
It was just their little secret. Love that bloomed so unsurely in the garage of Beomgyu’s home after Hueningkai had already left their band practice long ago. When Yeonjun had whispered anxious words, fingers toying with the microphone in his hands- about how he doesn’t know what this even means- but what he did know is that he liked him more than a friend. That this is more than platonic- and Beomgyu agreed with shaky hands. Was this really happening?
So their first kiss was exactly this; sweaty summer heat trailing down their skin and lips shaky as they kissed with that certain longing. Were they even supposed to do this? They didn’t know- they didn’t know if it was right or wrong- if it was allowed or not, and something about that made them keep it a secret for so long.
Beomgyu stares into the far distance, lips tight and drawn into a thin line.
“Beomgyu, I need to ask you something, but please don’t freak out.” Yeonjun suddenly interrupts the train of Beomgyu’s thoughts, his hands tightly wrapped around the younger one’s.
Beomgyu nods slowly, curiosity peaking as he stares into Yeonjun’s tear-ridden eyes.
“Run away with me.” It’s gentle, so hushed- Yeonjun’s bottom lip barely even moves when he speaks. Run away with me. Run away with me. Like a broken cassette, it keeps repeating itself in Beomgyu’s head.
Their unsure hands tighten as Beomgyu chews on his bottom lip.
“Run- away- running away- where to?” Beomgyu replies, goosebumps adorning his arms through the silence of tight space between them.
“I don’t know, Beomgyu. I don’t fucking know. But I know that,” Yeonjun pauses, a single tear slipping between his bottom lashes. “Wherever the hell we go, I just need to be with you. Please, let's get away from everything- together.”
And if silence was painful, then both of them would be sitting across each other with a lengthy spear impaling through both of their hearts. At just the right angle, cutting through every cord and vein.
Beomgyu gulps. “Yes.” Yeonjun looks at him with those eyes- those goddamned eyes, again. “Yes, Okay. Lets-“ he can’t bring himself to say it. “run away.” he says, unsure and slow. “You’re not going anywhere without me- and I'm not going anywhere without you.”
The aforementioned rain only picked up its volume, fat tears hitting the roof of Yeonjun’s car. Pitter patter, like Beomgyu’s heart.
“I love you.” Yeonjun’s hands are glued to both sides of his face, and then they are kissing like earlier- over pouring with emotions and that certain sprinkle of anxiety making them float outside of their own heads.
—
There’s something so deeply ironic about sitting in your boyfriend's car in front of your own home, trying to build up the courage to go inside and tell your own mother goodbye . That you’re never coming back again. That this is the last time you’ll see me- at least for a long time. I know you won’t miss me, hell, if i hadn’t told you, i wonder if you’d even notice .
A hand places itself on Beomgyu’s upper thigh.
“Do you want me to come inside with you?” Yeonjun asks, eyes no longer red from crying.
This is so fucked. So, so, so fucked . Is he really doing this? He’s really leaving his hometown, his mother and everything he knows- his room, school, friends- Hueningkai . If only Hueningkai knew what they were both up to, he’d surely laugh in both of their faces.
The only thing he’s not actually leaving for good is Yeonjun . And, Beomgyu thinks, maybe Yeonjun is the only thing I need now. Nothing else.
“No. it’s fine. I’ll be right back.” Beomgyu answers, fingers scratching at his ripped jeans.
“Yell out my name if anything happens. I’m waiting right here.” Yeonjun then says, two fingers coming up to his boyfriend's chin. “I love you.” he reassures, a kiss is placed on his top lip, and then Beomgyu is already walking through the long driveway, towards the rusty front door, shoulders shaking from the freezing cold.
He gets his keys out of his front pocket and unlocks the door, eyes passive when he sees his mother sitting on the couch, watching tv. He walks in, and with no surprise- he gets absolutely no reaction from his mother. No ‘where have you been, it’s late’ and no ‘How was your day, son.’ Nothing. It’s like she's not even there, like only a mere reflection of her presence is being presented in front of him.
Beomgyu bites back any comments or remarks that have bubbled up in his throat and worries on his bottom lip, heading straight to his room- trying to make as little noise as humanly possible.
When he enters his small and cramped room, he exhales a shot breath of relief. Walking past his mother is like walking on top of fragile, hollow eggshells.
He grabs a bag from his closet and starts stuffing it with every single article of clothing he can lay his eyes on, grabbing the majority of Yeonjun’s own clothes hidden at the back of the drawers as well.
He takes his charger and pulls his bedside table open, hands automatically reaching for the 70,000 won safely hidden underneath a couple of empty envelopes. Its not much, no- it’s not even close to enough for them to leave the city , but Beomgyu thinks- better safe than sorry. No going back now.
When he thinks he has taken about everything he needs, he throws the heavy bag over his left shoulder and moves towards his empty desk.
A picture of him and Yeonjun lays perfectly between his fingers, nails toying with the margins of the glossy print. It’s a picture where they are both smiling ear to ear, Yeonjun has an arm around Beomgyu’s small waist and Beomgyu is gripping onto his magenta e-guitar with fondness swimming underneath his pupils.
They were a secret. No one knew what they were- if you’d show the picture to anyone but themselves, they’d say that they looked like great friends. Like two people who fit each other's puzzle pieces. Best friends.
But no, Beomgyu could only see his forever , his eternity, the love of his life- and his faith, his soulmate. His lover.
He stuffs the small picture into his pocket, fingers hesitant as he reaches for a silver pendant left on his desk.
It was given to him by Yeonjun. A pendant that you could open up and a little picture frame appeared. Back then, his boyfriend had told him to put someone you love in it. Someone you treasure the most, someone who meant the absolute world to you. So Beomgyu did, he printed one of Yeonjun’s pictures and cut his head out in a heart-shape motion, his smiling face snug between partially rusty metal.
Beomgyu shoves his face into his slender hands, needing a second to simply think . Everything is going so, so damn fast.
He didn’t expect for this to be their fate. He never guessed that Yeonjun’s parents would ever know- or anyone- for that matter. He thought it would always be their little secret. But now it's out, and every emotion Beomgyu has ever felt is being displayed in front of a crowd of people. Word was probably being spread at this exact time.
Their fate should’ve been eternal love. Love until their last few seconds on earth. It was supposed to be them im matching suits, fingers heavy with metal rings- on their eventual wedding day.
Living in a different reality. A reality where things weren’t how they currently are.
Two boys. Dating. Yeonjun and Beomgyu. Aren’t they those two boys who are in that stupid, noisy band together? Along with Hueningkai ?
What is Hueningkai going to say?
The brunette places the pendant on his upper chest, fingers clipping it closed behind his head.
Fuck this, fuck it- and fuck everyone. Fuck everyone who doesn’t believe in love. If he had Yeonjun- Beomgyu knew nothing could ever go wrong.
And that's exactly how he gathers enough of the courage boiling through his blood- as he clutches onto the straps of his bag and sprints downstairs, voice already pulsating behind his teeth and begging to be released.
He wants to yell. Scream . Shout it all out. Get it over with. Yell into the deep dark void outside and the inside of his carved-out heart. No- yell into the stupid face of his mother.
Fuck this- and fuck everyone.
“You’ll never see me again,” He starts then, voice grounded at first. “Say good-fucking-bye to your son .”
His mother stares in shock, rising to her feet when she hears the curse words spilling between Beomgyu’s breath. He stands in front of the boxy tv his mother was recently focused on, bag weighing down his shoulders.
“Excuse me?” She says, with that stupid look on her grimacing face again- the one that screams I hate you, You’re worth nothing. Who do you think you are?
“I'm running away. With Yeonjun. Congrats, you’ll never have to see me again.” he screams now, fists incredibly tight and heart racing a hundred miles per hour. This is it. Fuck it.
His mother laughs in his face, an ironic smile stretching across her lips.” If you yell at me one more time, you’re dead.” It's a threat, but Beomgyu stays exactly where he is, voice loud.
“Fuck you!” A yell louder than ever before rips itself through his vocal chords, the ‘ou’ coming out with a certain swing of brokenness to it.
“I'm leaving. And if you care enough- No, I don’t care about you either!” Beomgyu’s face is red as a freshly picked tomato, spit escaping from the edges of his mouth.
“And guess what?” He says, fingers trembling at his sides. “Yeonjun hyung, he is my boyfriend .”
Deafening silence.
“I’m a homosexual.” If looks could kill, Beomgyu would lay several feet underneath the ground at this very moment.
“Your son is gay.” Tears threaten to slip down his cheekbones. Fuck this. Fuck everyone.
She stands star-struck, jaw dropping down to her chest. He had said it. He finally said it. It's out now, there's no going back. It feels so freeing- yet so scary at the same time. Fuck her.
“What did you say?”
So there's yelling- again. Enough- and a lot of it, but before Beomgyu could bother to listen to her stinging words, he’s already out of the front-door, thin legs falling into an inevitable sprint once her screams get louder and louder. So loud, he feels his eardrums throb.
As if on cue, the engine of Yeonjun’s car springs to life. Perfect timing. How perfect can his boyfriend even be?
“Beomgyu!” Yeonjun yells, eyes wide as he urges his boyfriend to jump into the passenger seat.
But Beomgyu only laughs- out of anger maybe, maybe even bitter happiness- or that feeling of finally being free .