Chapter Text
Her hands had been so much larger than his, wrinkled and calloused at the tips, but they had always stroked his hair gently on those summer afternoons he laid sprawled across the living room floor, his head in her lap. She wove fantastic tales of the past, of her old homeland, and the night she met his grandfather. Hide had always fallen asleep to the gentle lull of her voice, the comforting whisper of her fingers against his scalp.
“You see, Hideyoshi, dreams are mysterious things. I dreamed of your grandfather for years before I met him. When I finally saw him that day, soaked in the evening rain, I knew he was the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.”
Hide remembers the way she would smile down at him, eyes crinkling further, once-blonde wisps framing her kind face as she told him, “And one day, you will know too.”
--
Sometimes, Hide dreams of the future.
In it, he lives in an impossibly large, sprawling Tokyo apartment. It is furnished with clean, efficient stainless steel kitchen appliances, modern furniture with their sharp edges and minimalist designs, and large floor-to-ceiling windows, light spilling in. Hide’s decidedly garish throw pillows adorn the sleek couch Kaneki had lovingly picked out, a tacky, but warm, blanket half-lost under its cushions and the kitschy pot holders clash with the sleek metal of the kitchen. The vast collection of video games, Hide’s secret pride and joy, are snugly situated in the corner of the living room clashing horrifically with the vaguely impressionist art hanging on the walls.
The Kaneki in his dreams always sighs a little at the tacky, rainbow rug on the floor, the cartoon novelty mugs in the cabinet, and is always mollified when handed dark, steaming coffee. They sit together at their kitchen table, with their breakfast –sometimes western, sometimes traditional, whatever catches a sleep addled Hide’s whimsy–and Kaneki, the responsible one, reads the newspaper as Hide browses through the highlights on his phone looking for interesting headlines.
Kaneki washes the dishes while Hide, still in t-shirt and boxers, wanders into the bathroom to make himself presentable for the waking world.
It always ends with Hide fixing Kaneki’s tie before the other man walks out their front door with the same promise, “I’ll be back,” and peace filling Hide as he replies, “Come back home safely.”
--
Hide at eighteen is just as certain as Hide at eight: He is meant to live his life with Kaneki Ken.
He still dreams of the interior decorating disaster that is his future apartment, his future life, still dreams of them, of himself as an adult, of Kaneki as an adult, and their quiet everyday mornings together. He dreams of the way Kaneki’s hair looks rumpled in golden sunlight, the absolutely grumpy squint he sends Hide after stumbling out of bed before shuffling into the bathroom.
He dreams of the sunlight’s soft glow on Kaneki’s skin when he wakes up in the morning, the secret kiss he drops on Kaneki’s forehead before rolling out of bed, the groggy peck on the cheek he gets before he plates breakfast, and the goodbye kiss he leaves on Kaneki’s cheek before the other man is out the door.
The big things don’t change, but the little things do.
--
Kaneki is brilliant –he can pass any class he sets his mind to, can pull theory from text and mold it into reality.
Kaneki is dense and has always failed to navigate emotional developments without Hide surreptitiously guiding him from the sidelines.
Kaneki Ken, if not already, will soon be deeply in love with Kirishima Touka.
Hide knows this.
--
Because Hide is blessed with the foresight of wizened mages in every JRPG ever created, what he foresees comes true.
It is five years after he sat in a coffee shop with Kaneki and saw the inevitable, and the dust of the CCG’s collapse and Aogiri Tree’s dissolution has yet to settle, the wounded have yet to be treated, and Hide looks up with Ayato’s arm slung over his shoulders. He scans for Kaneki –Haise, Kaneki, it really doesn’t matter –and finds the man helping Touka up, eyes soft and searching.
“About time,” Hide mutters, the edges of the dream fading as reality sets in.
Ayato, because he is an adult and fully in control of his emotions, sends them both reeling into the floor with his apocalyptic outburst.
--
Sometimes, Hide finds a drunk Kaneki on his doorstep in the twilight hours of the morning, wobbly and agitated.
He slurs and hiccups, red-faced and indignant, about the last fight he had with Touka before dissolving into confused tears because he doesn’t understand why things are never as smooth as they should be, as he wishes they were. He is always miserable as Hide feeds him coffee and pets his back soothingly and obediently allows Hide to bundle him in layers and layers of blankets on Hide’s bed until he drifts to sleep.
Hide commandeers his couch those nights and wills himself not to dream.
The mornings are never the right mornings.
--
He borrows Hinami on nights when everything is particularly difficult.
They curl up in his bed, her hand stroking his hair as he listens to her heartbeat. If he closes his eyes, he can hear his grandmother’s voice and feel the warmth of the setting summer sun on his skin.
“You should find someone,” Hinami used to say the first few nights. “Go on a few dates.”
“How dare you. I have the heart of a pure maiden,” he’d mutter into the soft fabric of her shirt. “I only date those I love.”
She’d giggle softly, then, her fingers threading through his hair.
Now, she doesn’t say anything the nights she stays over, but Hide takes strength in her presence, her silent support.
--
“Hide.”
He knows before Kaneki says anything, can see it in the wetness in the other man’s yes, the way his entire body vibrates with joy, disbelief, relief.
“She said yes. Touka said yes. I –we’re –Touka and I are enganged!”
“Congratulations! Have you guys decided on a date?”
And it’s comforting, listening to Kaneki ramble about how he nearly threw up on Touka after proposing, he was so nervous, how Touka would like an autumn wedding to avoid the summer heat and winter chill and how he prefers the subtle theme of change that comes with an autumn wedding. He smiles into his glass of beer as he imagines the life Kaneki will lead– of pleasant, lazy weekend mornings where neither want to get out of bed, quiet everyday breakfasts and familiar dinners.
“I’m happy for you, man. I wouldn’t wish anything else for you.” And it rings true once he says it, a silent promise to himself. A wish for Kaneki Ken, Sasaki Haise, his most cherished person, to live a blessed and happy life.
“I know,” Kaneki says, turning hopeful eyes to Hide, “Which is why –I mean. Would you be my best man?”
“Of course! I’d be offended if you picked anyone else.”
--
The time between the proposal and the wedding passes in a flurry of activity and Hide wakes up one August morning wondering how December had melted into mid-fall.
He takes the subway to Ayato’s apartment without bothering to brush his teeth or hair and fully surrenders himself to the annoyed hands of The Bride’s Brother, who, for all intents and purposes, is the One Eyed Owl of this wedding endeavor. He swoops around his apartment, dark and foreboding, barking orders into his headset as Hinami calmly salvages the destroyed remains of whatever poor sap gets in the way of Ayato’s warpath.
Hide sits bleary eyed on a stool as Ayatao points at his hair, unable to emit anything but a disgusted noise before stomping away. Hinami, ever flawless and understanding, sets about the task of wrangling Hide’s unmanageable hair into some semblance of neat while Hide borrows a new toothbrush and slowly works on fixing his terrible morning breath.
“Look at you, I knew it. I was right to keep your outfit here, you didn’t even brush your teeth, I bet you would’ve forgotten it at your apartment.” Ayato scowls out the window, fingers drumming impatiently on his arm, clearly having been put on hold by whatever poor soul is on the other end of his headset. “At least you showered before coming.”
Hinami hums as she untangles his hair, so Hide blows bubbles and lets toothpaste drip into his lap and tries not to grin too hard when Ayato goes white with fury.
--
Because he is the best man, and a brilliant one, Hide stays out of Ayato’s way once they reach the venue and dedicates his time to making sure Kaneki doesn’t have a nervous breakdown and show up bald at the altar.
“I don’t think I can do this,” Kaneki despairs, pulling at the seams of his cuffs. “I can’t. I don’t deserve her. I –I…” He looks into the mirror, tugs faintly at the bowtie that Hinami had tied for him six minutes ago before sweeping back out to attend to other important matters. “The things I’ve done…”
Gently, Hide rights the crooked tie, soothes Kaneki’s hair back into place. “Kaneki…” He sets both hands on Kaneki’s shoulders and waits for grey eyes to meet his. “When you look into her eyes, what do you see?”
And Kaneki, who has always been enthralled by the intricacies of words and their meaning but has always failed at conveying them, breathes out the word, “Everything,” as if he has finally discovered the meaning to life and Hide can only smile as his heart clenches.
“Then that’s your answer, isn’t it? You have your entire life to become the man she deserves.” Carefully, Hide threads the boutonniere through the buttonhole and straightens Kaneki’s lapel. “Now get out there and marry the girl of your dreams.”
--
When they kiss, their first kiss as husband and wife, Hide cannot stop the tears and smiles harder, claps louder, to make up for it.
He takes his turn to dance with Touka and he squeezes her hand gently when he tells her, “I wish you both all the happiness in the world.”
She smiles, resplendent, and says with her voice caught on the sharp edges of emotion and eyes wet with tears, “Thank you.”
He wipes away her tears and laughs, “It’s your wedding day; save your tears for after your first fight!”
She smacks his shoulder and he laughs harder, twirling her as she giggles.
--
Hide lasts nearly two months before he invites himself over to Ayato’s apartment with a duffel bag of essentials and the world’s most practiced kicked puppy expression on his face. Ayato makes a show of giving Hide the dirtiest looks as he lets him in while Hinami, who is ever omniscient, pulls out an extra futon before disappearing into Ayato’s room to pull out their own and arranging them in front of the television.
“I object to this emotional polyamory you are trying to build with my girlfriend, Nagachika.” Ayato grouses as he pops the first Lord of the Rings movie into the DVD player and settles onto the futons on the other side of Hide. “This is going too far,” he asserts as he passes the senbei crackers and beer they keep on hand, just for Hide, and makes sure the extra-large blanket covers all of them before hunkering down and pressing play.
“Thanks,” Hide says wetly.
He cries into his pillow when Sam follows Frodo with the words, “And I’m coming with you.”
Ayato quietly puts in the next DVD and Hinami strokes his hair.
Hide feels raw and too open and too vulnerable, undone and broken, so he doesn’t say anything as Aragorn breaks his foot kicking the Uruk-hai’s helmet and screams in agony.
--
She is 53.5 centimeters and 3742 grams and the most beautiful red, wrinkly baby Hide has ever seen. He cradles her head in his arms, terrified he will drop her, when Touka, sweaty, exhausted, and still stunningly gorgeous, says, “We still have to name her.”
“You guys have had nine months to pick out a name. This is child abuse. How can you leave this princess unnamed?” He eyes the new parents critically, unable to hold back his disbelief.
Kaneki makes a noise of distress and Ayato’s expression turns murderous as Touka says, “They have no naming sense whatsoever. Kaneki wanted to name her Ai. Ai. Ayato suggested Sadako.”
“What about you?” Hide prevaricates, because surely Touka wouldn’t leave her daughter nameless.
“Do you know what she tried to name her stuffed animals as a kid?? What you’re suggesting is tor—”
“What Ayato means is that Touka doesn’t have the best track record either,” Kaneki interrupts smoothly, hands firmly clasping his wife's and ensuring his brother-in-law’s continued existence.
Hide gazes down at the sleeping child in his arms, wonder and affection spreading warmly in his chest, and says, “I’ve always liked the name Emi.”
--
Kaneki, who is back in school and juggling a part time job, and Touka, who has managed to seamlessly slot herself into a research project on ghoul health through smart internships and a grudging recommendation from Nishiki, are two new parents who are blessed. Blessed with a mutual friend who loves children, is particularly weak to their kid, and newly unemployed and therefore available for babysitting duty while he studies for his exams.
That’s the story and Hide’s sticking with it.
Emi starts to get fussy, eyes wet and cheeks puffy, so Hide picks her up and soothes her as he warms up her milk.
“It’s okay sweetie, don’t cry. I’m here, no reason to cry. You’ll never be alone.”
--
Emi is four and utterly spoiled.
She commands attention from her throne on Hide’s lap, looking imperiously down at the other children in the daycare as she declares Nagachika-sensei as hers.
“Emi will marry him when Emi grows up,” she asserts primly even when Hide takes her home after daycare has ended and Kaneki and Touka have arrived to relieve Hide of his extended babysitting duties.
“But what about marrying papa when you grow up?” Kaneki asks, the very picture of a broken father. “Isn’t that every little girl’s dream?”
“No,” she insists, stamping her foot in frustration, spots of red spreading on her cheeks. “Emi will marry Hi-chan.”
Touka just smiles and picks up Asahi who is ever sensitive to his older sister’s moods and has begun tearing up in reaction to her petulance. “You can marry Hi-chan if you want to, mama will support you,” she assures indulgently as she takes Asahi to his room.
Kaneki stares after his wife, shocked at her cruel betrayal. “Traitor!” He accuses.
Emi glows with happiness. “Emi will marry Hi-chan! Mama says so!”
Hide picks up Emi and whispers, “I have a secret to tell Emi-chan.”
“Okay!”
“That means papa cannot hear it,” Hide says, looking pointedly at Kaneki.
When Kaneki has sulkily left the room, presumably to spend time with his son, the only family member who truly loves him, Hide sits down on the couch, the excited child on his knee. “Emi, I am going to talk to you about grown-up things. Are you ready to talk about grown-up things?”
“Yes!” She chirps, face flushed with anticipation. “Emi is all grown up!”
“People can only marry their most important person,” Hide says as seriously and solemnly as he possibly can. “That is why papa married mama, because papa’s most important person is mama. So you can only marry your important person, Emi. I’m too old to be your most important person.”
She puffs up in indignation, “Hi-chan is Emi’s most important person!”
“More important than your mama and papa and Asahi?”
She hesitates. Hide drops a kiss on her forehead. “You’re such a good girl, Emi. One day, you’re going to meet someone who is so much smarter, cooler, and more handsome than me and they will be your most important person and you will be theirs. And when you get married, I will be there with your papa and mama and Asahi and we will all be so happy for you and it will be a day you never forget.”
Emi considers this long and hard. “You promise?”
“I promise,” he swears, extending out his pinky.
They link pinkies and she giggles happily for a moment before suddenly going quiet. “What about your most important person, Hi-chan?”
Hide twirls her pigtails around his index fingers, smiling as she wriggles happily in his lap.
“I’m not my most important person’s most important person,” he says gently.
--
Kaneki and Touka go temporarily insane one April day when Emi is seven and Asahi is four and decide that as adults with lives utterly decimated by the responsibility of child rearing, everyone deserves a break and volunteer themselves as sacrifices for a day at the zoo. Nishiki is so moved that he gives Kaneki a pat on the shoulder, misty-eyed at the prospect of alcohol and the company of peers.
Yoriko, Kimi, and Hinami disappear into the department stores and are never seen again as Hide, Nishiki, and Ayato huddle in a bar a couple streets over from the stores. Ayato downs a shot for Yoriko’s husband, the poor soul who has overtime on a Sunday.
Nishiki is slurring after his seventh glass of clotted blood and Ayato, who can drink camels under the table, is unphased, while Hide is nursing his second beer and already feeling muzzy.
“You,” Nishiki says, pointing at Hide. Hide goes crosseyed. “You. You are pazzetic.”
“’M not,” he asserts to Nishiki’s finger. “I’m not pazzetic. Pascetic?”
“Stop pining over that loser and move on.” Nishiki finishes the last of his glass, tongue tangling over words as he continues. “Ten years ‘s too long.”
Not ten years, Hide thinks, a lifetime.
Ayato stills. Hide recognizes that face; it’s the constipated ‘I need my wife, I’m not equipped to handle emotions’ face and Hide frowns. “You’re making Ayato upset.”
“Oh god, Nagachika, no. Don’t drag me into this.”
“You,” Nishiki bellows, finger swerving to point at Ayato. “You en…enable him.”
“How dry a household does Kimi keep?” Ayato mutters after Nishiki has collapsed onto the table.
“Mrgh,” Nishiki replies plaintively.
“I’m not dragging your drunk ass back home.”
Hide is starting on his third glass of beer and just shy of falling asleep and he doesn’t mean to, but the words tumble out before he can stop them. “Am I relying on you and Hinami-chan too much? Ayato-kun?”
“Shut up, you drunk.” Hide distantly hears Ayato calling Kimi on his cellphone and his curt demand she pick up her passed out husband before hearing Ayato say, “You’re staying over tonight. Hina’s orders.”
--
Asahi was always mature for his age.
That is why, Hide thinks, it is inevitable that he should fall in love at the same time as his sister.
His sister’s love is dramatic and tragic –the boy is a third year in her high school. He is in the kendo club, an average student, has the loveliest chestnut hair, and the cutest smile ever. She’s a first year and in the calligraphy club because her best friend is in it and there’s nothing outstanding about her at all. She’s doomed to a one-sided love, she sniffs. He will never notice her.
In comparison, Asahi’s love lacks the intensity and ache of Emi’s. The girl he falls in love with is quiet and bookish, with long, dark hair and thick, fluttering lashes. She likes jazz and is experimenting with American ‘soulful R&B’ and she is thoughtful and deep and Asahi is so utterly and completely smitten. He has no idea how to approach her.
Both Kaneki children sit on his couch, looking miserable and hopeful, waiting for him to say the magic words that will fix their lovelorn situation.
What he tells them is: “Nothing will ever bloom from your silence.”
Emi makes a face. “That sounds like something from one of papa’s books.”
“Your papa is a very wise man,” Hide says with a straight face. “He also has very wise books.”
“What about you?” Asahi asks very quietly. He has Kaneki’s eyes, Hide thinks. “Have you ever said anything to the person you love?”
“No, I haven’t,” Hide replies, smiling softly. “So you should learn from this lonely, old man’s mistakes. And if you are rejected, I'll take you guys out next Sunday, okay? A day out for the lonely hearts.”
--
Asahi graduates from high school and starts Kyoto University for medicine, leaving behind two proud parents and an equally proud sister and uncle.
“I’m old,” Kaneki says one night out with Hide. “My kids have finished high school, my eldest daughter will graduate college soon.” He looks horrified into his cup as the realization dawns. “She’ll marry and move away, just like my son has. And then it’ll just be me and Touka in Tokyo.”
“Ouch, that hurts. What are the rest of us, chopped liver?” Hide backtracks. “Chopped toenails. Mushy bladder?”
“Hide, your attempts to be politically correct hurt.”
“My point is, I’ll always be here for you. And it’s an affront to your beautiful wife to be so down when you’re still going to live the rest of your life with her.”
“My kids are leaving meeee…”
No matter how far everyone else may fly from you, I will always be here, Hide does not say.
--
Just like Hide promised, Emi marries a wonderful man and he loves her as much as she loves him . The wedding is beautiful and an event to remember.
Her dark hair is pulled into an elegant bun, delicate curls framing her face, and she looks so much like her mother Kaneki breaks into tears walking her down the aisle. She throws her bouquet at Hide, who catches it clumsily and with confusion, mouths, ‘I’m too old for this!’ before everyone shuffles out of the church and towards the reception hall.
Hide sits with Ayato and Hinami and other close family and friends a table away from the bride and groom, happily chatting with Ayato, when Emi marches up to him, the train of her dress clutched in her hand as she demands a dance.
She is so big now, he realizes as he takes lead. He remembers slow dancing with her standing on his feet at Ayato and Hinami’s ceremony when she was five. “You’re all grown up now. What happened to marrying me?” he teases, blinking back tears. “This geezer too old for you now?”
“I can’t. You can only marry your most important person, after all.” He twirls her and remembers doing the same thing for her mother all those years ago at Kaneki’s wedding. “And I’m not your most important person either.”
“No,” he agrees. “But you’re so very important to me. If he ever makes you cry, just call me. I’ll come running.”
“I know. You and papa and Asahi all will. But it won’t happen, he loves me and he makes me really happy.”
The song ends and Hide leans down for a hug when she whispers, “You should tell papa, Hi-chan.”
--
He wakes with his face smooshed into Kaneki’s collarbone, Kaneki’s drool in his hair, Kaneki’s leg thrown over his hip, his own arm thrown over Kaneki’s waist, and the feeling of peace that spreads from chest to fingertips to toes. Like always, he drops a kiss on Kaneki’s forehead, takes in the other man’s rumpled appearance, the track of drool down his chin, feels his heart clench with yearning.
As always, he lumbers into the kitchen without brushing his teeth or washing his face, and practices the fine art of cooking with fire with his eyes glued sleep-shut until Kaneki zombie-shuffles out of their room and into the bathroom. He accepts the kiss on the cheek and trades for it with a piping hot mug of Kaneki’s favorite coffee and brown sugar cubes. He sits down at their table with a plate of Kaneki’s special bacon that Hide most definitely does not question and a plate of eggs and toast and everything is perfect and as it should be as Kaneki reads the newspaper with his crooked tie and sleep-muzzy drawl.
Hide fixes Kaneki’s tie before he leaves, like normal, and kisses him goodbye before wandering into the shower to get ready for work and everything is just as it should be.
The dream is so much clearer than Hide remembers. The tears on his pillow are just as wet as they always were.
--
Asahi marries his middle school sweetheart two years after Emi marries her college beau.
Hide is fifty-six and too old to be chasing after hyperactive toddlers and his back too rickety to pick up squirmy children so he retires. With the money he made from some smart investments when he was in his twenties, hazard back-pay for when he was working for the CCG, and his retirement, he can buy a small shop in Shizuoka with an apartment above it and have enough money left over for renovations.
He takes the train down to Shizuoka and walks up and down its shores, feels tranquility and serenity in the ebb and flow of the blue, blue sea.
This is where he needs to be.
So he buys it.
He buys a little shop by the seafront and makes the necessary calls to schedule the renovations and calls his landlord and gives a month’s notice and slowly packs the things he needs and donates what he doesn’t. He tells his friends that he’s moving, that if they are ever in the Shizuoka area, they should stop by. He puts off telling Kaneki, because it feels like running away and not running towards something when he prepares his speech for the other man.
“You need to tell him,” Hinami says, voice soft and far away on the phone. “The longer you wait the more hurt he’ll be.”
“I know,” he says because he is a coward and has always been one in regards to all things Kaneki Ken. “I will, soon.”
“Soon,” she repeats.
“Soon.”
He waits another two days after the call to show up on Kaneki’s doorstep with an invitation to go out drinking. Touka’s eyes are especially soft that day, and Hide knows that Touka knows, and he can only smile in apology. “I’ll bring him back soon,” he promises.
“Take your time,” she says.
--
Kaneki doesn’t say anything when Hide tells him, just drinks another shot of aged blood, and another.
He makes his way back home leaning heavily on Hide in silence.
“Why are you leaving me,” Kaneki breathes drunkenly into Hide’s neck.
‘Because I need to,’ isn’t an acceptable answer so Hide says, “Because I think there is something I need to find there.”
“Don’t go,” Kaneki slurs sadly, “Don’t leave like Emi and Asahi, Hide. Don’t go away like mother…”
“I’m always here for you, Kaneki. If you ever need me, I’ll fly up to Tokyo in a heartbeat. I’m not abandoning you, I’ve got your back forever.”
“You’re leaving me,” he repeats forlornly.
They make it to Kaneki’s building and, with much effort, manage to navigate Kaneki up the stairs and into his wife’s loving arms.
“I could never leave you,” Hide admits to the night sky once he is alone. “Which is why I have to.”
--
The café gets regulars.
Every morning, he wakes up at four am and putters around the café’s kitchen, grinding coffee beans he selected the night before, punching bread dough into submission and proofing them in preparation for the shop’s opening. He chops the vegetables and meat needed for the admittedly few dishes on his menu and cubes fruit for the desserts and drinks. At seven am, he opens the shop for fresh coffee and bread and finishes up any last minute prep and waits for sleepy regulars to wander in.
He spends the rest of the day making coffee, drinks, and entrees at a sedate pace as he talks with his regulars for hours on end. He sneaks little treats to the small children who come, ghoul and human alike, and takes up slow jogging after the shop closes at four in the afternoon because the pudge in his middle is bordering unseemly.
That is the favorite part of his day, jogging along the length of the Shizuoka beach as the sun sets, a gleaming red jewel above the golden sea.
With beauty like that, anyone can forget.
--
Hide has had terrible pain in his abdomen for a week before one of his regulars manages to manhandle him into the back of his car and drive Hide to the hospital. He spends the ride insisting it’s nothing; it’s probably indigestion, the plague of old men everywhere.
It turns out it isn’t nothing. It’s pancreatic cancer.
“You have two to three months left, Nagachika-san,” the oncologist tells him. “If you have any loved ones, I suggest you contact them,” she says kindly.
“I will, thank you.”
--
Emi cries on the phone when he tells her and he has to convince her not take extended leave from work to fly to Shizuoka to take care of him. She is a mother with two kids; she has more important people to care for. She spends the next twenty minutes alternating between yelling at him and sobbing until her husband drags her away and calmly tells Hide they will be taking a flight up to Shizuoka in two weeks.
Asahi has apparently managed to coordinate flight times with Emi during the time it took for Hide to dial the phone and reports to him that he will be arriving in three weeks after Emi has to return home. He then proceeds to recommend an oncologist in the Shizuoka area, suggest supplements, and finally rest. “You should probably consider closing the café,” he says slowly. “Maintaining it requires too much work and you should be resting.”
Hide agrees to consider it as he mentally makes plans to alter the menu so he can continue working for another month, at least.
Hinami’s voice shakes a lot when she picks up and all Ayato says is that they will be down in a week to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid like try to run the café while he’s still sick.
When he finally calls the Kaneki residence, Touka is the only one that speaks.
Somehow, Hide had hoped he would hear Kaneki’s voice.
“We’ll be flying down in a month, Hide. After everyone else,” she says. “We’ll be staying until you get better. We’re making arrangements as we speak.”
“Thank you, Touka-chan.”
--
He goes into work two days later and writes the new menu on the blackboard outside the café and hangs a sign about the new changes. He chats with his regulars as he brews coffee and serves toast and simple pasta dishes and it’s like nothing has changed.
Outside his little piece of the world, the sea sparkles like stars.
Like always.
--
This time, he wakes up to an empty bed, just a mess of blankets and pillows where Kaneki would be.
The sun is setting outside the window, dark and red, and he cries into white sheets, heart heavy.
“Why are you crying, Hide?” Kaneki asks from the doorway, cooking chopsticks in hand. “Did you have a bad dream?”
“I thought I was,” he croaks.
“You were just dreaming,” Kaneki says soothingly, hand running through his hair.
“Yeah, I am. I’m just dreaming.”
--
Hide wakes up in a white, white room, as hospital rooms tend to be.
“Good morning,” Touka says as she makes bunny shaped slices of apple. “Or afternoon. It’s around two.”
“Mornin’,” he rasps, throat dry. “Got any water on hand?”
“Of course.”
She helps raise the hospital bed and places a cushion behind his back. “Do you think you can eat? The doctor said you should eat if you could.”
“Apple bunnies.”
“I used to wish I could have them in my lunchbox too, as a child,” Touka admits. “And as a mother I wished I could have made them for my children.”
“I’m a bit old to be your kid.”
“I’d never have an old geezer like you as a son, Hideyoshi,” she sniffs. “Especially one stupid enough to work until he collapsed.”
“It’s comforting, having a routine.”
She doesn’t say she understands and Hide loves that about her.
He eats the apples she peels and they while away time with small talk while Hide watches the sun set over the golden sea.
“I’m sorry,” she says when magenta has finally overtaken the sky. “He doesn’t know how to deal with… this. You being sick.” Ken doesn’t know how to deal with you dying, she tactfully does not say. “I asked him to get some more fruit so he could have some time to process…”
“It’s okay, Touka, it’s okay. It’s my fault anyway," he admits, lips twisted in a facsimile of a grin, "I lied and now I'm abandoning him.”
“You’re being stupid. You’re both idiots.”
Hide can’t contain the hysterical laughter that bubbles from him, the sudden well of tears that spring from depths he never knew he had. “I know.”
“I’m sorry,” she says again, grasping his hand in hers. “I’m sorry. I always knew.”
“I know. I’ve always known you knew.” He squeezes her hand, looks for strength to face the truth. “I’ve known ever since you let me name your children. Your treasures. You didn’t have to, you know. You never had anything to apologize for, but… it was like a chance. A chance to share something with Kaneki even…”
“I understand.” She smiles wetly at him and he feels a rush of relief.
He is left exhausted, a hollow emptiness under his ribs where he once felt the weight of his secrets and wishes, and he has never felt better.
“I’m feeling drained, I think I might…” He breaks out in a yawn and Touka busies herself with lowering his bed and reorganizing his pillows.
“Is there anything you want me to tell Ken when he gets back?” she asks gently before he drifts off.
“No… there’s nothing… If it wasn’t worth mentioning before it isn’t worth mentioning now.”
--
Morning arrives and they are in bed, like they always are, tangled in each other, warm and comfortable.
When he moves to get up, Kaneki muzzily grumbles, “Where are you going? I’m cold.”
‘Breakfast,’ is just on the tip of his tongue when he instead says, “I don’t know,” and settles back in bed and curls around the other man.
“I’m not going anywhere.”