Chapter Text
Title: TVF4: Lord Of The Files
Category: Books » Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak
Author: roxypony
Language: English, Rating: Rated: K+
Genre: Humor/Friendship
Published: 12-26-09, Updated: 08-02-10
Chapters: 19, Words: 29,651
Chapter 1: Reverse Honeymoon
When you're practically immortal, chances are you have better things to do than celebrate the new year. But if you happen to be Darren Shan, you'd love to throw a huge party with an abundance of food, lights, and bright shiny things that make an old-fashioned Vampire toss his cookies.
After the Ski Vacation Near-Catastrophe, Last-Christmas-Chaos, and of course the Wedding From Hell, a certain half-Vampire officially knew better than to drag his socially challenged Mountain-mates into another human tradition.
(Rewind: we're several months after the Spider Wedding, when everyone was forced to clear out of the mountain for Madam O and Scary Grey Spider's honeymoon. However, they made it as far as the airport before realising their credit cards were expired. Apparently it takes approximately 3 months to apply for a new card if you're a Vampire. Luckily, marriage has transformed Madam Octa into a patient individual. So anyway, our story begins on Boxing Day 2009. Darren is hoping Madam Octa has forgotten the reverse-honeymoon plan. He plans not to discuss it in hopes of averting the inevitable natural disaster that would occur if the Vampire gang was unleashed back into civilization... )
But with his can of Red Bull in hand and balls of steel, tempered by years among bloodsucking beasts, Darren Shan marched into the Hall of Princes to announce that there was NOT going to be a life-sucking soul-draining grey-hair-sprouting early-onset-dementia-inducing death-trap of a celebration of the New Year. Just so they knew.
Kurda was running around, smacking into walls and trying to remove his hot pink stocking into which his head had been stuffed by Mika. Mika was sitting on the couch with Arrow and Harkat, reading a truck magazine. (They were thinking of purchasing a second vehicle, to keep the Essie company.) Seba was desperately digging in his obviously empty stocking, determined to find the 500-dollar, brand new state-of-the-art, vibrating, tongue-polishing, throat-freshening electric toothbrush. (Arrow had pinky-promised him that it was indeed in there.) Larten was configuring his new cappuccino-espresso-mocha-maker. Paris was carefully organizing his gifts in alphabetical order.
Christmas had been a slightly quieter event this year. Of course, cookies had indeed been made, but this year they were accompanied by an entire gingerbread village: a pink mall by Kurda, a cafe by Larten, a nice normal house by Darren, a pet store by Harkat, a giant hunk of dough by Mika and Arrow that was supposed to be Vampire Mountain, a skyscraper by Paris, and a lump of icing with 5 and a half jujubes stuck to it. Seba swore on his life it was a perfect representation of a dog. This charming arrangement lasted about 10 minutes before being messily devoured and slightly trampled. At least Darren had the sense not to bother with a Christmas musical production this year.
But before he could even open his mouth, Kurda yelled from atop the new back-massaging armchair:
"Darren! Daaaarren! Darren Darren Darren Darren! Darren!"
"What?"
"Guess what!"
"I just did!"
"Shut up... Kurda. I wanna... tell him!" Harkat exclaimed.
"IT WAS MY IDEA!" Arrow snarled..
"Be quiet. I will inform my student of our recently developed plan." Larten announced.
"Kill me." Darren muttered.
"For New Years-"
"We're going-"
"To... "
Silence.
"Where?"
"I don't know, I thought they knew!"
"We haven't decided!"
"I thought Harkat was picking it!"
"Well, Larten has not... downloaded the... restaurant guide yet!"
"... WHAT?"
"Don't WHAT me, you were supposed to order the GPS!"
"I thought we would have settled upon a location by yesterday!"
"So we're going somewhere. Like a vacation." Darren groaned. "The one time I didn't make plans. You guys just can't help yourselves. I want to relax for a few years, not drag you guys all over the planet."
"You don't have to worry about me, Darren. Mika will carry my stuff for me." Kurda promised.
"I wanna get out of this rock!" Arrow stated.
"I'm getting... bored of... the scenery." Harkat made a rare complaint.
"When do we leave?" Darren sighed depressively.
"Umm, how long would you estimate if we plan on sticking to our schedule?" Arrow asked.
"I would say... 8 minutes and... 47 seconds?" Said Harkat.
"Get packed, Darren." Paris advised the boy Vampire as he picked himself up off the floor.
Chapter 2: Securing the Parking Lot
Darren was impressed with himself. 9 minutes ago, he had been sipping chocolate milk and planning on spending the next week doing relaxy-type stuff: running up and down the halls sliding on his socks, barbecue parties in the Pit of Flames, refereeing gatorade chugging contests, refereeing pretty much everything else, cleaning out the fridge, online shopping, keeping Seba from swallowing the stuff under the sink, that sort of stuff.
However, as of right now, he was officially shoving the last of 17 pieces of luggage into the back of the Escalade. It was reverse-honeymoon time. Sigh... At least he got to ride shotgun. Someone had to read the road signs.
Harkat made the massive leap from the ground into the driver's seat, Paris, Seba, and Larten secured themselves into the back seat, and Mika and Arrow presided in the middle row, squishing Kurda into the window. (To which he stated: "Don't worry, Mika. You smell pretty.")
And finally, Darren climbed in the shotgun. He clicked the automatic garage door opener, (eBay has Do It Yourself Door Installer systems) and the 8 creatures of the night were officially released back into the world.
"WE'RE FREEEEEEEE!" Mika and Arrow bellowed.
"Seba's sitting on my beard comb!" Paris hollered.
"First stop, airport?" Harkat inquired.
"No, first stop-"
"GAS STATION!" Mika and Arrow screamed joyfully.
They had never forgotten their memorable expedition to their very first gas station on the way to the airport back in the day of the ski vacation.
"Alrighty. Next one is... " Darren fiddled with the GPS. "... 2 hours and 47 minutes from here."
"How long is that, Darren?" Kurda asked.
"2 hours and 47 minutes, genius." Mika informed him.
"If you had to wait... for your hair straightener... to heat up... 167 times... that's how long... it is." Harkat calculated.
"But... Why would I need to heat it up that many times?" Kurda replied in alarm. "I have very fine hair, you know. Cosmopolitan said my type of hair is called Baby Fine ."
"Baby brain." Arrow muttered, trying to kick Kurda, but instead sending a very old coffee cup flying back to hit Larten.
"That is enough out of you." Larten snapped, kicking the seat.
"Mika, remember back in the day when Princes got respect?" Arrow yawned.
"Nope." Mika said, half asleep.
"Guys, start deciding what you want to order, cuz I don't want to be in line for long. Write it down-"
"I cannot write!" Larten moaned.
"-or draw it, or find someone to write it down for you. Then give it to me, and I'll run in and get it." Darren finished.
"Why do we not get to participate in the expedition inside the facility?" Seba puzzled.
"Um..I'll bring Harkat in with me to help me carry stuff out." (Seba looked aghast.) "But I have a special job for you, Seba." Darren added. "I need you to take Kurda, Mika, Arrow, Paris, and Mr Crepsley outside... . to... um... secure the parking lot!"
"Darren, surely you do not mean I will be temporarily under Seba's command?" Larten moaned.
"Sorry Mr. Crepsley. Just for a few minutes." Darren promised. "I need you to make sure everyone gets back in the car in one piece."
"Sometimes I forget who is mentoring whom." Darren sighed.
"I was your mentor once, Larten." Seba growled. "I still own your soul."
Larten rolled his eyes and proceeded to sketch a very detailed picture of a coffee cup of moccachino and a chicken burger. Paris listed a variety of gourmet foods from which Darren could choose. Seba stated that he didn't care what sort of food Darren brought him, as long as it was slathered in barbecue sauce. Harkat requested a simple hot dog. Mika required a steak, and Arrow a triple bacon burger. Kurda craved a salad with a light dressing, totally free of calories. And lastly, Darren wanted nothing more than a good old Happy Meal.
2 hours, 47 minutes, a near-collision with a porcupine, and an incident where Seba became inadvertently lodged in the sunroof and was rescued by Larten. ("You should have left him there. He made a good siren." Mika complained) the gang jerked to a stop in the parking lot of a mega highway rest stop, which featured a gas station, a gift shop, and about 20 restaurants. Darren groaned.
"Out OUT!" Seba shrieked "The parking lot must be secured, or-or-or... "
"Or?" Arrow asked.
"OR!" Seba answered, effectively ending the argument.
Leaving Team Seba to secure the parking lot, Team Darren went to case the joint. He had a feeling it would be a longer stop than he'd expected.
"First stop, McDonald's." he announced. From here, he would be able to procure meals for himself, Larten, and Harkat. And hopefully enough barbecue sauce to shut Seba up for a long, long, time...
After a gruesomely long wait in line, Darren was lucky enough to endure the exceptionally funny look he received after requesting an entire crate of barbecue sauce packets.
"I just lost all my barbecue sauce when my house burned down." Darren whined convincingly. "And I lost my, um, baby sister!" (he received several sympathetic looks. He continued:) "Her name was uh... Kurda! She loved her barbecue sauce! I can't believe she's just... GONE!" At this point he became too overwhelmed in fake tears to continue, so Harkat gathered up the barbecue sauce and the rest of the food, and they departed.
The next stop was a little fancy expensive French-type chalet which was strongly reminiscent of the ski resort's Le Petit Hfkghgj.
"Yeeeeeeus?" a petit waiter greeted them over the counter.
"Yeah hi. I need you to give me a... crack? Cat? Carbon? Harkat, what's that word? Ohh, Crab cakes with a light lime dressing, a goat steak, very rare, and... oh jeez. Sardinian? Smithsonian? Help, Harkat. Scandanavian? Dammit Paris, learn to write. Okay... we need some Scandanavian Wintergreen Tea, with two cherries and a lemon wedge. Kay?" Darren finished.
"Yeeeus. Zat vill be ninty dollar." le petit waiter grunted, hurrying off to create Paris's delicacy.
Whilst waiting for the monstrosity to be cooked, Darren decided to check in with Parking Lot Security.
"What's shakin, L Creps?" he greeted in an attempt to blend in with the crowd of cellular device users.
"May I ask who is speaking please?" came the completely befuddled reply.
"It's me, Darren!" he hissed. "How's everything going?"
"The parking lot is secure, let us just leave it at that. Have you obtained our food?"
"Umm, almost. Everyone's alive out there, right?"
"I believe... SEBA, DO NOT LICK THAT! Yes, everyone is alive. I must go. Good luck to you, young Shan. Control. Confidence. Charisma. Remember this."
Click.
Chapter 3: Chaos, Catastrophe, and Cats
It took 3 hours and 21 minutes, but the great Darren Shan finally procured the food requested from his crew. He'd triumphed over ridiculous lines, grumpy truckers, screaming babies, one of which landed on his head, and even a terrifying moment where Harkat was temporarily kidnapped. Turned out he'd been mistaken for somebody's uncle. But finally he strode mightily out of the facility, hoping against hope to see his friends waiting for him at the Escalade, but this pleasant fiction was not to be.
Firstly, it appeared that Seba had taken his orders, "secure the parking lot." to heart. The Vampires had established a "No One Enters, No One Leaves" policy. The first highway entrance to the parking lot was barred by the Essie herself, with Paris and Larten standing threateningly on the roof, and Kurda peeking through the sunroof. The second entrance was manned by Mika and Arrow who had hijacked somebody's Hummer.
In the center of it all stood an uncomfortable mass of people, wondering when they could leave. To the side of it all, a traffic jam on the highway was beginning to form. And to the left of the center of it all, stood Seba, holding a loudspeaker in one hand, and digging passionately in his ear with the other.
It took all of Darren's willpower to keep from crying.
"S... eee... ba?" he squeaked. "What the hell did you do? I told you to secure the... um... oh... "
The realisation dawned on him that Seba had followed his orders exactly. The one time he did exactly as he was told. Darren made a grab for Seba's loudspeaker.
"IF YOUR NAME IS SEBA NILE, MIKA VER LETH, ARROW... UM... YEAH ITS JUST ARROW, RIGHT? HARKAT MULDS, PARIS SKYLE, LARTEN CREPSLEY, OR KURDA SMAHLT, PLEASE DRIVE YOUR VEHICLES TO THE CENTER OF THE PARKING LOT. PLEASE TRY TO AVOID YOU ARRIVE AT THE CENTER, STEP OUT OF YOUR VEHICLE AND... NO ACTUALLY JUST STAY IN YOUR VEHICLE UNTIL I TELL YOU OTHERWISE. MOVE! IF I DID NOT CALL YOUR NAME, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING HERE AND YOU MAY RESUME YOUR BUSINESS."
"Well done." said Harkat. "Control, confidence, and charisma."
"More like chaos, catastrophe, and some other bad thing that begins with C." Darren sighed.
"Christmas?"
"Nah."
"Cats?"
"How bout we find a word later."
"K." Hakat agreed.
When the civilians were safe, Darren stepped furiously between the Hummer and the Essie.
"If you are in the Hummer, please step out of the vehicle and take your seat in the Escalade."
"We arranged to have this baby shipped back to the Mountain." Arrow said happily, patting the hood of his new vehicle. Darren did not want to know how it came to be in Arrow's possession.
Slowly and with many dagger-filled glares, Darren passed each Vampire his meal, then he reclined his seat all the way into Mika's lap, just to be annoying. He then sank into a narcotic bliss as he indulged in his first Happy Meal in who knows how many years. It even came with a toy. It was a pink My Little Pony, but it was an actual happy meal toy! Mika immediately tore into his steak, and had the whole thing gone within 2 minutes. Harkat savoured his hotdog happily, imagining the taste. Larten picked the lettuce off his chicken burger. Paris enjoyed his ridiculously overpriced petit meal but wished it was bigger. Darren informed him that if he wanted more, he could go in there and friggin get it himself! Arrow couldn't decide whether to eat the bacon and the burger together or separately. Kurda scarfed his 0-calorie meal but wondered why it was tasteless. And of course, Seba was in complete ecstasy as he tore into packet after packet of barbecue sauce, licking it clean then dropping the package on the floor. He couldn't seem to find anything to complain about.
Everyone seemed to be at ease, so Darren reclined with the Today's Parent magazine he'd picked up. Anything for a little advice. 5 articles and an hour and a half later, he had come to the realisation that his parenting flaws included lack of discipline, lack of control, lack of confidence (failed 2 out of 3 C's? Damn!) radically changing between overestimating and under-estimating his children's abilities, and of course inability to present a positive role model. According to leading parental scientists, he had some work to do if he wanted his children to become outstanding citizens.
Screw that , he thought. His children were not just outstanding, they were something entirely else.
What were his children up to, anyway? He turned around to observe them. Turns out they'd finished their food, thrown any remainders out the window, and taken a well-undeserved nap.
"We gotta drive, all the hotels will be full!" Darren groaned, tapping Harkat, who was either in an exceptionally good sleep, or else ignoring him. "Wake up!"
All he got was Seba grunting something along the lines of "Uuhhhh damn you, nail clippers!"
"Fine, I'll drive." Darren gumbled. However, he proved unable to drag Harkat over to the passenger seat. "Mulds, we're getting you a treadmill when we go home. And I'm going to monitor your cookie intake."
And to further demonstrate his complete control of the situation, he reached a decision that Hell on Wheels could be a Hotel on Wheels. They could save money, and he wouldn't have to suffer the displeasure of cranky awakened passengers.
Kiss this, Leading Parental Scientists!
Chapter 4: Driving Thru
Darren was woken up rather suddenly by his seat being cranked forward so suddenly he narrowly escaped being snapped in half. The culprit turned out to be Arrow, who claimed he didn't know how it worked. The entire population of the Escalade was in an uproar.
"WHAT HAPPENED?" Seba howled.
"Where did we sleep last night?" Larten exclaimed.
"Um... here?" Darren said nervously.
"HERE? In this filthy parking lot? Ewwwwwwww." Kurda moaned.
"The doors aren't even locked, we could have been picked off by Vampaneze!" Arrow roared.
"Really, Darren, how would you feel if we all got killed off last night? What kind of fate would the Vampire world have then, huh?" Paris reprimanded. "We'd be screwed, that's right, screwed!"
"Ewwwwwwwww." Kurda continued.
"We could have succumbed to hypothermia!" Seba added.
"I had the heat on." Darren muttered.
"We could have suffocated." Larten added. "I do not see any open windows!"
"If I opened the windows, we would have succumbed to hypothermia!" Darren protested.
"Yeah." said Seba, unsure as to what he was agreeing with.
"Irresponsible little prick." Mika growled. Darren highly doubted he cared about sleeping in the vehicle, he just liked making things difficult.
"It is... ok." Hakat interjected. "Darren did... something stupid... but nobody got... hurt, and it... won't happen... again."
"It will not happen again, will it Darren?" Larten said threateningly.
"Nuh." Darren mumbled.
"Alright then." Harkat concluded. "Let's go... find some... breakfast."
This brightened the mood considerably. However, Darren's misery was only incensed. For it was time to instruct his "children" in the usage of a Drive-Thru.
"Okay, Harkat is slowly going to pull up to the speaker, which appears to be a metal cube with holes. You will hear a voice coming from said metal cube, do not panic. The voice is produced by an actual person who is located within the building. At this point, we will take turns informing the person what we wish to eat for breakfast. Following this procedure, Harkat will drive up to the first window, where I will pay an exorbitant fee for our breakfast. When the transaction is complete, we will drive to the second window, and we will receive our food. Then we hit the open road again!" Darren instructed his comrades as they waited in the drive-thru line.
"Oh-kay!" Kurda said happily.
"Yup." Mika yawned. Being a young, hip Vampire, he had some experience with such things, as did Arrow.
"Sounds fairly straightforward." Larten said, sounding slightly suspicious.
"The metal box is an abomination!" Seba informed Darren.
"Seba, what have I told you about judging before meeting?" Paris scolded.
Seba growled.
"Let's do this thing." Darren said determinedly.
Harkat stepped on it. The Essie squeezed forward slightly. The minivan ahead of them was currently occupying the metal box, taking a terribly long time. Kurda, however, mistook the garbage can for the ordering device, and proceeded to introduce himself. Mika rolled his eyes and rolled up the side window, thus ending Kurda's life story.
When they finally arrived at the actual ordering device...
"Welcome to McDonald’s! May I take your order?”
Seba screamed like he was being stabbed to death and tried to jump out the window from fright.
"I WANT AN EXTRA LARGE MOCCACHINO, 5 CREAMS AND 6 SUGARS!" Larten yelled as loud as he possibly could. "CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
"Ummm, can I haaaave... " Kurda twirled his hair. "... diet water?" he said with a completely straight face. Darren was ashamed to know him.
"A hashbrown... and... cinnamon melts." Harkat said simply.
"Gimme about 8 of those cinnamon melt things, and a bacon burger." Arrow ordered.
"4 Cinnamon melts, and 2 bacon burgers. And a steak." Mika added.
"We don’t have steak, sir. This is McDonald’s." the voice entered the vehicle again, causing Seba to convulse.
Mika rolled his eyes, opened the window as wide as it would go, leaned all the way out, and ROARED into the metal box. He held the note for about 30 seconds, then calmly re-entered the Essie.
"One steak coming right up!"
"Small fries and fruitopia." Darren said feebly. "And about 20 packs of barbecue sauce." he added, thinking of Seba who was currently rocking and moaning in the back seat."
"A BLT and a McFlurry." Paris concluded.
"That’ll be 70.47, drive on up!”
"Was that really so hard?" Darren said in a strangled voice.
"You tell me, dude. It looks like you popped a blood vessel in your eye." Arrow noted.