Chapter Text
Title: TVF3: a Vampire Mountain Christmas Carol
Category: Books » Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak
Author: roxypony
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Humor/Parody
Published: 10-22-08, Updated: 12-24-08
Chapters: 9, Words: 11,236
Chapter 1: Prologue
Darren was up to something. Larten could tell from the first moment he walked in for breakfast. He looked excited but apprehensive, like he had something important to say. He had been up all night surfing the net and printing stuff out. Something was coming, and Larten did not like it. Maybe it had something to do with a fast-approaching Christmas (whatever the hell that was!) or maybe not. Larten did not know, but he did know that it would not be long before he found out.
Darren was excited. After coming up with hugely exciting ideas the night before, he had tinkered, researched, and printed until he'd fallen asleep. And now was the time to share his idea and hope he didn't get sent to the Hall of Death.
"Can I have your attention please?" he asked politely. He always started off polite when explaining things to his friends. But it was always hard to remain polite after the first few minutes.
"Ok!" said Harkat.
"No." said Seba.
"Not now, I'm concentrating on the orange juice!" Kurda added.
"Why?"
"Duuuuh, Harkat. it says concentrate right there. I can read, you know. I'm not stupid."
"Ohhh, I see."
"Come on guys, listen!" Darren reminded him. Predictably, the politeness was less noticeable this time.
After Harkat had pried the orange juice from Kurda's hands, Seba had made peace with the fact that not all Cheerios were perfectly round, Mika and Arrow had stopped flinging toast at each other, and Larten convinced Paris that caffeine was indeed legal, Darren had their attention. But for how long he did not know. So he went fast:
"So, Christmas is coming up, right? We all know what that is?" (He'd explained it the week before and hoped they'd remember) "Well, I've got something organized that will really help us get into the season, make us closer, and express our creative sides!"
"It better not be a sing-along." Mika growled.
"It better not be a costume party!" Arrow complained.
"It better not... be a dance!" Harkat said nervously.
"It better not involve acting!" Paris added.
Damn it! Thought Darren. But he continued bravely. He was determined to make his idea successful.
"It's not just that stuff, it's a musical! We're doing A Christmas Carol !"
"How can you do a Christmas carol?" Kurda asked suspiciously.
"At least we're only doing a Christmas carol, instead of a lot of Christmas carols!" Paris said positively.
Mika made a noise of disgust, and said: "I don't do musicals."
"Same here." Arrow glared. "Especially not Christmas ones!"
"Ridiculous outfits, detestable music, potentially dangerous dance numbers, and horrible fake acting? I refuse to be a part of this abomination!" Seba spat.
"I'm in, Darren!" Harkat said happily. But... I don't really want to... dance... " he added quietly.
"You just can't help yourself, can you Darren?" Mrs. Crepsley said with exasperation.
"Like it or not, the Cast List is going up tomorrow!" Darren finished, and left the room before anyone had a chance to attack him.
It had gone exactly as he had expected.
Chapter 2: The List Goes Up
Ebenezer Scrooge - Mika Ver Leth
Bob Cratchit - Darren Shan
Tiny Tim - Harkat Mulds
Fred - Arrow
Jacob Marley - Paris Skyle
Ghost of Christmas Past - Seba Nile
Ghost of Christmas Present - Kurda Smahlt
Ghost of Christmas Future - Larten Crepsley
"Darren?" Mika rumbled ominously. "Why is my name at the top of the list?"
"You're the main character!" Darren replied in a happy-nervous-please-don't-eat-me voice.
"And... why might that be?"
Darren gulped. He could tell Mika was holding back some deadly anger.
"Don't you want to be the main character?" he squeaked.
"I'm not doing it." said the dark Prince simply. "I have no reason to make a human of myself."
"I agree!" Seba spat. (Probably the first time he had ever used the word "agree" without "not" in front of it.) "This abomination was designed to desecrate our dignity!"
"I think it... sounds fun!"
"Well you don't have the same dignity as us, do you Harkat?"
"K, so, like, when do we get our costumes?"
"K, so, like, don't talk so, like, weird. You'll get them sometime next week."
"Who the hell is Fred?"
"Scrooge's nephew."
"I refuse to support the abomination!"
"I refuse to support your mom!" (Darren took no joy in using the cliched comeback, but he was too stressed to come up with something more original.)
"If I am to be a Ghost of Christmas in the Future , do I not get to participate in this endeavor?"
"Sure you will. Don't worry, the Ghost of Christmas Future is really important in the story."
"I was not worrying, I was suggesting."
"I get to be a Ghost of Christmas Presents? What kind of presents?"
"Present. Not present s . Pre-sen t ."
"So I only get like, one present?"
"No, present as in right now."
"I get presents right now?"
Darren gave up on explaining to Kurda, and proceeded to pass out scripts.
For a moment, there was silence as the Vampires skimmed over their scripts (they could all read after their experiences on the internet.).
"Bah Humbug? What the hell?" Mika snarled.
"You say it when you're pissed off." Darren explained.
"Bah Humbug Bah Humbug Bah Humbug Bah Humbug!"
"You already have some of your lines memorised!" Darren enthused.
Mika growled. Darren backed off.
"My part looks... easy!" Harkat sounded relieved.
"The Ghost of Christmas Past sounds like an abomination to me." Seba glared.
"No, he has a lot of respect for older and long forgotten traditions!" Darren blurted out. "Just like you!"
"Hmmm... " Seba's eyes returned to his script.
"My part is small!" Paris said happily. "I only have one scene!"
"That's what I thought, so you're in charge of music as well!" Darren announced.
Paris made a noise similar to Mika's growl.
"I wanna be in charge of music!" Kurda wailed. ""I know, like, so many cool Christmas songs!"
"I thought you could help me with the dance choreography!" Darren said brightly.
Kurda squealed in delight and burst into a spontaneous dace number, destroying one of Paris's ornamental vases.
"So now that we all know what we have to do, tomorrow we're going to start reading through our lines, and if that goes well, we'll take a break and put up some decorations!" Darren announced.
There was a long silence. Then,
"Yay!"
That was Harkat, obviously.
Chapter 3: Bah Humbug and Construction
"Pssst, Mika, you're line is: "Bah Humbug!" " Darren whispered encouragingly.
"Bah Humbug." Mika grunted before going back to sleep.
"Christmas a humbug, uncle? You don't mean that, I am sure?" said Arrow in the role of Fred.
"I do, Merry Christmas! What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough." Mika/Scrooge read boredly after Darren poked him again.
"Come, then. What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're rich enough." Arrow/Fred replied.
"Mika, it's your line." Darren sighed.
Mika opened his eyes and looked at his script, then up at Darren.
"No. I refuse to say Bah Humbug again."
Darren was not surprised. Mika had been the least cooperative out of everyone about the gang's newest project. No one had exactly been cooperative, but Mika was the worst. It was too bad, because when he did say his lines, he was a perfect Scrooge.
"Okay guys. I guess that wasn't bad for a first read-through."
"You call that a read-through, Darren?" Mr Crepsley snapped. "We did not even get through the first page! Show some control, for once!"
"It was our first try! Mika was perfectly in character. Anyway, now we're going to-"
"Pick costumes?"
"Take a coffee break?"
"Make... Christmas cookies?"
"Go back to sleep?"
"No, no, later, and no. Right now we're going to start building the set, and after we get a good start on that, we're going to start on decorating the Mountain!" Darren announced.
"Um, you mean decorate the Hall of Princes?"
"No, I mean the whole Mountain!"
Someone threw a picture frame at Darren's head and he had to run to get some ice for his rapidly swelling bruise, so the rest of the gang did get their coffee break after all.
It took Darren a full two hours to round the rest of the gang up from their break. When he finally succeeded in dragging Mika and Arrow away from the Air Hockey table, he led them back down to the Hall of Princes. He opened the doors wide and they began to file inside...
And then...
They stopped.
"Oh my... " Larten gasped softly.
Kurda made a noise between a shriek, a sob, and a whimper.
Mika and Arrow swore at the same time.
Seba began to sputter in fury, the only comprehensible word was "Abomination."
Paris moaned like a dying cow.
Harkat stared into the hall for a long time. Then he looked up at Darren.
"We have to build a set and a stage! What did you think we were going to make it out of?" Darren defended desperately.
Lying in the Hall of Princes was a HUGE pile of assorted pieces of wood, many cans of colourful paint, and all sorts of ladders and power tools.
"So this is what the stage is going to look like. The directions are right here." Darren said, taping a large How-To poster to the wall. "You'll need 50 four-by-fours, 28 two-by-fours, about seven boxes of nails, and everyone will need a hammer," (he glanced at Kurda, who was running his fingers through Mika's hair, Seba, who was lying on his back singing "Lalala I cannot hear you!" and back at Kurda, who was being punched by Mika.) "Well... maybe not everyone. But I think I can trust you all with paint brushes... maybe. We'll see how it goes. Let's go!" he finished triumphantly, punching the air.
Harkat repeated the gesture grinning. Mika glared. Darren sighed. Life in Vampire Mountain was never boring, but it could get really repetitive.
"I call the hammer with the pink handle!" said Kurda excitedly as he rummaged in the tool box.
"I call the most potentially deadly hammer." said Mika, glancing at Kurda. Darren swatted his shoulder and tried to look stern.
"What? I said potentially !"
"What are you going to name your hammer, Mika? Mine's gonna be Estelle." Kurda sighed happily.
"I'm gonna call mine Mika."
"Oooh that's a good-WAIT A MINUTE! That's YOUR name!"
To Darren's relief, construction was going slightly better at the other end of the room, where Larten, Paris, and Arrow had managed to produce part of the right corner of the stage.
"That looks great !" Darren said as charismatically as he could.
"Doesn't it?" said Arrow. "Now we're almost done, right?"
"Umm... just keep following the directions and you'll figure it out!" Darren said as he backed away carefully.
"According to this poster... " Arrow re-read the directions. "We have... a lot more to do!" he sighed miserably and picked up his hammer.
Darren examined Seba and Harkat''s workmanship. He noticed a slight mistake.
"Um, guys? You're supposed to paint the wood after the stage is put together."
Harkat's face slowly became one huge frown.
"I'm sorry... Darren!" he moaned. "I didn't... mean to!"
"It's ok. I know you didn't mean to." said Darren gently, hugging the distraught Little Person. "Here, I have a better job for you."
Harkat looked slightly happier and picked up his paintbrush hopefully.
"Ok, see those big, flat pieces of wood over there? Paint up the front to look like these." Darren pulled a picture out of his pocket of some old-fashioned houses. "That'll be the backdrop of the play!"
"Yay!" Harkat scampered off to retrieve the backdrop pieces.
Darren checked back in with Mika and Kurda. To his surprise, they had been fairly productive. They had constructed about a quarter of the surface of the stage by nailing a bunch of two-by-fours together. But how much weight it could support was the next question...
By suppertime, almost half the stage had been constructed, and Darren was pleasantly surprised. He was often surprised, but it had been a while since he had been pleasantly so. Everyone had been twice as cooperative about the building than the acting. Darren wondered if he would have a stage without a play on Christmas Eve... And the stage was just the beginning. Dances had to be choreographed, music had to be selected, lines had to be memorised, and props had to be found! Not to mention the entire Mountain had to be tastefully decorated... and there also had to be some time left to enjoy the season... The biggest Christmas lover in the mountain began to wish the season was already over.