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It wasn't always like this.
In fact, it felt like only yesterday he and Gon would be running around chasing each other with food, smothering each other in kisses, fighting over who loves who more, bickering about the terrible acting in old Disney movies ("It's obvious she's not even playing the piano! At least get an educated person!" he would shout, to which Gon would soothingly rub his arm and say, "Kil~lu~a, it's only a Disney movie, okay? It's okay.") because of course they would, they were Killua and Gon, after all.
Killua and Gon. Gon and Killua. Made by all of the stars themselves to be loved by one another. Gon had called them soulmates, once.
So no, it wasn't always like this.
In the past, Killua would poke and pull at Gon any time he'd try to concentrate and end up on the ground being tickled. Now, though, there was this strange emptiness in Gon's eyes. His smiles never reached his eyes, once a lucid caramel brown, dripping in sweetness and glory. They were void. They reminded Killua of how his eyes had once dully shone before meeting Gon. And for years their eyes sparkled together like two delicate stars twinkling in the never-ending darkness of the sky. His eyes used to hold light. Light Killua slowly watched fade as he noticed a dip in Gon's presence at home. He came and went, now, often only seeing Killua once a week in their tiny shared apartment and forgetting to say 'I love you' back as he walked out the door again. But it was okay, Killua reminded himself. He wouldn't be hurt. He'll be fine. Gon just needs some space, that's it. Yes, he just needs to find his light again. Killua only let it slightly tear at his heart that we wasn't happiest when with him.
He took it upon himself to make a hobby out of cleaning. He'd polish every surface and scrub at dishes and wipe every window clean until his knuckles bled but it was okay because maybe, just maybe, it would bring the smallest bit of happiness back to those eyes he adored. He taught himself to draw in his free time, often picturing moments of Gon in his head and gently placing them on paper, pristine and delicate; every angle of his chin was gently traced with a finger, every wisp of hair was sharp and kind, the kind of contradiction that could perfectly describe the boy he would always love, no matter how far off he got. No matter how badly it hurt, Killua would smile for Gon with as much love as Gon had shown him over the years and pray it might just be enough to bring back his warmth. On the few nights they did sleep in the same bed, curled together on old habit, his body was always so cold. Killua would shiver and pull the blankets up a bit further, hoping his beloved could feel the warmth above his bone-shattering, ice cold pain. Or whatever it was causing his walls to build higher.
Killua didn't mind. He'd find a way to break them down again, even if it did make him feel like a kid.
He'd get his Gon back. His love would be celebrated again one day, and no longer merely tolerated.
***
"Big Brother, I haven't seen you in so much pain since the first time you lost Gon. Please, will you tell me what's happening with you?"
Alluka's calming voice coaxed him out of his dreamlike stance, memories of Gon's smile and promises of the future still gliding around his mind. Her question caught him off-guard, causing him to look at her obliviously. "What? I'm totally fine Alluka. Can't you tell? Didn't I just tell you about my new hobbies?"
Her smile was tired and sorrowful and for some unknown reason it made a knot find its way up Killua's throat. "Big Brother, while cleaning and drawing are great, have you seen yourself? You haven't been sleeping right and it shows. You're so skinny and frail, too. Tell me, where's Gon?"
There's that word that taunted and tormented him. Frail. He'd been called frail by his family his entire childhood. Gon was the first person to make him feel like an equal. Gon, with his sunkissed island skin and broad shoulders and a way of carrying himself that defined him, stated he was strong, made Killua feel normal. Killua, with his ghostly pale hue and fragile body, easily pushed over. He could do so much, yes, but he felt so much smaller, so meaningless, around everyone. Everyone but Gon, with his warm eyes and strong hands - until now, of course. Now he felt unreadable and Killua felt himself shrink every passing day he and Gon aren't laughing together.
"In all honesty, I don't know. He hasn't been home since last Tuesday-"
"Killua Zoldyck!" his own name echoed throughout the small bedroom that was shared once a week. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?! Fill me in. What happened?"
Killua sighed, eyes watering as he glanced at the floor. "I don't really know that either, Alluka."
He felt the aura in the room start to shift as he glanced up to meet warmth in those blue eyes that mirrored his own and oh is it nice to be met with such kindness and grace once again."That's okay, Big Brother," she whispered, taking the shaking boy into her arms and holding him tight. "Just tell me what you do know."
All that could be heard in the small room for a few minutes is shaky breaths and tiny hiccups, Alluka accepting that she'd just have to change her clothes when she returned to her hotel room. She held her crying brother, a ping of pain sending itself through her chest at the utter pain he's been going through because of the island boy he loved so much. What the fuck are you going through to hurt my brother so badly, Gon?
Finally, Killua lifted his head to look his baby sister in the eyes and deliver an explanation. "I'm sorry about your shirt, Alluka. It's very pretty on you, by the way."
She giggled lightly, face happy and eyes full of life. He missed this. "Don't worry about it Big Brother! But thank you. So what's happened?"
With a sigh, Killua told the story of the past few months. Gon's guard being put up, light slipping from his eyes as week after week he searched for something, something that wasn't Killua (another tear escaped the oceanic blue of his eyes once again at this part). He told her every detail, from his presence fading to Killua's ever-living thought of What did I do wrong? to his incapability of sleeping more than four hours a night. "I just wish I could be a part of his life again, rather than be begging for silly footnotes in his story. I'm barely here to him, yet I take up too much space. It wasn't always like this. This wasn't the Gon I fell in love with."
"But, Killua, is he still the Gon you love?" She was still, staring at her feet, her petite body still gently holding his. He could tell it was serious, for she never called him by his full name, and almost wondered if Nanika prompted such a question.
He sat for a moment, pretending to contemplate his answer, though he already knew. He'd always known. "Of course he is."
Her gaze snaps to his face and hurt washes over her expression. "But why, Big Brother? He's causing you pain! You deserve for your love to be cherished, to be celebrated! You deserve to fall asleep next to someone, not in an empty bed! You shouldn't be cleaning until your knuckles bleed for someone who's not even there! Why do you love him still, after he's left you here to wallow in your loneliness and doesn't even remind you he loves you when he's here?"
Killua gently smiled at her, a grin so painful and empty it almost ached to lock his face in, even for a second. "Because, my dear, I just love him. He promised me a future and even through his phases he's never broken a promise-" he doesn't mention it was sealed with a kiss, nor that it was actually multiple kisses "-and I know he won't start now. Even when I have to beg for his love, I know that some day that light will return, and he'll be Gon and apologize until the day he dies. Because he's just Gon, and Gon is the one person I've ever felt normal around besides you and I've sworn myself to him. Even if I didn't love him, I'd never love another. He's the one for me, even if i'm not what he needs right now, and so I love him anyways."
Tears were cascading down his cheeks, but he didn't even notice. It just felt so good to say it out loud, to not have to worry about how red his cheeks may be. He needed to say it.
His sister kindly wiped his face, knowing no matter what she said, even if she advised him to break free and leave their relationship in ruins, he would stay by Gon's side until death parted them. And she felt herself love her big brother just the slightest bit more. "I love you, Big Brother. It will be okay. He loves you."
***
Killua continued as he always did, and the next time Gon returned home he stayed two nights instead of one, his body the slightest bit warmer. The next time he left, he had whispered, I love you, Killua. So much."
Slowly but surely, Killua knew, his love wouldn't be tolerated. And he was willing to wait for it.