Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Chapter Text

If those eyes are to well up

like dew

beneath the new sun

I’ll pull you close

whilst they run

with a length

that’s not quite

lest I

lose myself in your light

all the while

I bat my eyes

swat away these pearls

which threaten to blind

so as not to compromise

the feelings you have

the light you find

in other eyes

the pride

you build

for other’s sunshine

leaving me behind

in your mind

little more than shallow

shadows

which can never be your

star

never be

your heart

Chapter Text

be sick

be sick

please

be sick

be sick

like me

feel like i do

hurt like me

doubt like i do

deny like me

chase like i do

ask for me

so i can be

what

you need

be the water

to your ever growing

seed

be what you need

to heal you

only

with my heart

only

be enough for

your heart

only

be sick

be sick

so i can know

so i can be

what you want

all you want

rasp like me

so i can be

your fix

be

your all

be

what bewitches you

your eyes

ever lost

across the room

be sick

be sick

so i’m not alone

so i don’t go home

miss you

without you

missing me

without you

thinking twice about

where i may be

hands in other places

smile with no left

traces

be sick

be sick

so these red flowers

are not mine

alone

to bare

our cure can be

each other

together

not just

i

not just

me

not just alone

always alone

always

with these flowers

pouring into my hands

while yours

are further from mine

each day

be sick

be sick

so i know

i’m still

what you said

from then

when you said

i’d always be

all you want

all that you love

all you’ll see

be sick

be sick

so i know

you weren’t fooling me

when you said

we’d be

we

we’d be

us

for eternity

so

please

love

like me

look

for me

and

be sick

like me

darling

i

don’t want to bleed

alone

Chapter Text

Eye me as I weep

Against your heat born trees

Eye me as a crow

Dark and on my knees

Hold me as a maiden

Lovely in your peace

Treasure me as your heart

Begging for release

Look at me at all

My sun

But only as your dream

See only what you wish of me

And that is what I'll be

But will that be enough I wonder

To earn my place above her

If I devote myself to you

Star’s daughter

Is it enough for my love to

Halt her

Chapter Text

You

Are not what I need

You say

But

I believe

That is my decision

To make

My price

To pay

If I am wrong

I deserve someone

Who loves me

You say

But why

Can’t that be you

You say

Your affection

Your attention

Isn’t enough for me

But

I breathe

Bend my knees

For it

Even if it

Shall only be once

Only once

It befalls me

You say

You love her

Then

That you won’t

Call her

That she’s nothing

Then

Your hunger

Makes you hunt her

Like a beast

You say

You’ll wait for me

A day

A month

Forever

And I say

It will never

Be too much

Or enough

For

What you say

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Chapter Text

You spoke to me

in a sweet tongue

that they said was wrong

but knew me too well

off the back of my father’s boat

without a lick of know

you pulled me in

With a scent unfamiliar

And a voice like mine

alpha

omega

beta

they said

I said

you said

then nothing when it was broken

in my room

hiding from the sun

the moon

then from each other

alpha

omega

beta

they said

then you

alpha

alpha

alpha

We called

our own names

then each others

without any reason

nothing to attract

the marks we left

abstract

with nothing to attach

them to us

when we left

alpha

omega

beta

they said

then me

back home

Where I became

that again

with no reason to remember you

but a heart

alpha

alpha

alpha

but I did

alpha

alpha

alpha

and I loved you

alpha

alpha

alpha

with another

Chapter Text

It's not fair

you like guys

but don't like me

I don't care

that he's better

that he's clean

it's not fair

you say things to him

I want to say to you

I wish I didn't care

that it's my fault

that I ruin

what I only wish I knew

it's not fair

I like you

and you don't

mind me

I won't care

I say

I lie

again

once

twice

it's not fair

where your eyes sit

when mine are on you

I don't care

that he likes you

too

that he could

it's not fair

everyone else gets to say this

but I have to hide

write this

instead

I do care

that this hurt

is all mine

but

it's not fair

the end of this want

which was never ours

never yours

Chapter Text

The devil

I am sure

He is malevolent

Staining

The floorboards black

Under his feet

Inside your building of worship

A demon

I am sure

I see hades fire in his eyes

He is poison

With toxic hands

Invading this space that is mine

Evil incarnate

I am sure

That which pulls at me

Is his trickery

The temptation of a creature

Born in flames

Doused in horror

And heartbreak

Impure

I am sure

His body warm to my back

Is the bite

Of a snake

Venom laced teeth

Which are a promise

Alluring

Are they always

In their promise of heartfelt ruin

Man

I am sure

He is that which

I can never touch

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Chapter Text

You smell like nothing

yet you tower

with a power I can't place

but think to devour

let me learn

how you are everything

then nothing at all

from your place up there

far from me

and tall

so tall

with eyes that know the universe

and hair that makes you cry

let me know who you are

behind your facade

deepest inside

nothing sticks to you

let me stick to you

even if it makes you hate me

remember these things I say

and carry

this heart I rip from my chest for you

you smell like nothing

so you say

let me try

let me taste

Chapter Text

You’re wrong

for you’re rose

in this world

which only knows

monochrome

You’re alluring

for you’re unafraid

unabashed

in this world

which asks you to hide away

You’re lovely

for you’re stunning

in all ways terrifying

and bold

in this world

which says you can’t be

You’re bright

for you hold a light

fulfilling

and warm

in my mind

which wants that light

on me

desperately

with no way to plea

for all the eyes on me

judging

my every move

pulling me

from your warm

in fear

it will harm

my boundaries

make me susceptible

to my heart’s

beat

and

yours

Chapter Text

I can talk

but not to you

not because

I’m rude

or don’t want to know

know who

who you are

behind dark hair

blue jacket

and the green

on your sleeves

but because I can’t see

imagine me in the reflection

of pretty eyes

that like roses

not stone

and lips which are kind

lips that smile

when they see me

but don’t know me

Chapter Text

You smell like coconuts

why do I remember

you never spoke enough

to me

just me

your hair smells like coconuts

and I breathe

in all my stuff

looking for it again

do your lips taste like coconuts

how do I say

that I think of them

when I cant tell myself

can I smell like coconuts

to know what its like

to feel you

to feel us

As one

As whole

My room should smell like coconuts

But it doesn't

Because you're

Not in it

not enough

never enough

for my need

I don’t like the smell of coconuts

Chapter Text

Hold me tight to your bosom,

Fresh flowers,

I blossom,

To meet your warm embrace.

Queen sun,

Kiss my cheeks into peace.

Clean Narcissus,

Gaze into lava eyes,

Pick my features.

Love,

With your pre-possessing heart,

Dirty, pale Arbutus.

Chapter Text

Suddenly

All at once

I am

Bathing in the sun

My cheeks are warm

My head is

Covered

With the width of your hand

What is this?

I have

Butterflies

I have

A friend

Suddenly

All at once

I am

Swimming in your eyes

My lungs are full

But I breathe

With ease

What is this?

I have

A smile

I want

Yours

Suddenly

All at once

I spot you

From a mile away

Your colors bloom

In the grey

And

My heart

Is all yours

What is this?

I have

Feelings

I have

Love

You are special

And

I think

I want to

Belong

To you

Can I?

Chapter Text

Lovely

Playfully shaped lips

Touch me

In warning

Of a feeling you can't control

Your hands are warm

Touching my heart through my skin

I don't know what you mean

When you breath in

My air

I say I don't care

My tongue holds letters I cower from

Four

Why do I want more

In the wake of my ghost gaze

I still find time to bloom

In red

For your sake

I should hide away

Go away

To save your scars from rebirth

But

I need you

Stay below me

Like the Earth

Beneath my lap

In my hands

Warm my ears

Chapter Text

His song shall be vengeful

To all which are cruel

So if your heart is black as tar

Prepare to face his ghouls

Notes in hot air

Blown betwixt dark hair

Sang for those in pain

Shielded from shame

Tears shed in rain

This power he fames

Shall not be in vein

Burned blade

On rested hip

Needed not to slay

The dark he burns

When this song

He plays

Chapter Text

I keep telling me

keep hoping

you’ll turn back to see

what you’ve left of me

like

that little oak tree

buried in green

in the backyard

of your memories

that you’ve left alone

so you could go

chase pipes

down a pretty hole

forget home

as if

it is a thing

you outgrow

like

it’s me

something you know

but turned from

when it began to grow

then slowed

became stiff

narrow

minded

I’ve yet to find it

how to survive

uninvited

how to not

mind it

that you’ve gone away

passing

like days

in a way

that broke me

infinitely

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Chapter Text

Love

you don’t have

to run

I’m not a

scary one

I burn

in the sun

in the shine

of anyone

everyone

Love

I’m told I look too much

words in my eyes

In no way wise

enough to hide them

This is who I am

all I can present

as a man

who has lost

All I had

in you

A doctor cannot

fix what

I’ve caught

you’re the only

one

I want

when I’m talking

to the moon

on the other side

do you hear my tune

I’m

I’m going

Crazy

it’s truly

true

I’m

going crazy

so fuxxxxxx true

Baby

I know

I’m not the

only one

who’ll ever

want you

But

Love

don’t hide

all I’ll hold

is you

to my side

don’t

leave me

behind

all I am

is an ordinary

man

that is all I can

say to you

a doctor

may not

be able to fix

what I got

so Love

don’t leave me

to go

crazy

all alone

on my own

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Chapter Text

Protect me

from these

unsavory

realities

I wish only

to dwell

in what is

lovely

loving

and love things

as I'd been known to

before

allow me

the rosy

lense

to enjoy

life again

shield me

for

my heart

is glass

Chapter Text

Did you know

the sky

blooms

anew

in the night

so long

as your eyes

open

to linger

upon it

a light

will be there

sparking among

the space

I rested

in the evening

saw red

pink

orange

with my back

to the moon

the stars

hugging

my waist

between the seams

without a moment

for me to

see it

now

I see it

Lie awake

to midnight

so as to gaze

upon

the brightest

night

I see now

I want now

It's gone now

but never

from my eyes

now

For

I saw the night

the stars

the moon

and my eyes

will linger there

Always

to relive the day

I really saw you

and remember always

that brightness

which resided

so close

behind a blink

with eyes that also

lingered upon me

too

Chapter Text

My soul

has chosen

A place

to remain

Forevermore

in another

I trust

it will be safe

from my sins

be far

from where

I'm fated to return

to sooner rest

to burn

amidst this

green

which has grown

With me

since I could count

the leaves

and follow

their sweet trail

down

further and

further down

my soul

has chosen to

love again

and

I trust

it will do so

so long

as I

do not pine

with it

die

with it

as I've killed

everything else

drug it down

to be

Scorned

as yet another

part of me

without hope

For salvation

my soul

has attached itself

To a haven

to what may be

the only Heaven

which welcomes me

as a fake thing

in white cloth

and black teeth

hidden behind

that smile

which he awakens

in me

that place

my soul

has chosen

to keep

close

such a lovely place

such a precious face

my beloved

my soulmate

Chapter Text

what do I call you

tell me how

to call you

what to reply with

when you whisper

a soft wish

in my ear

licking at

my goosebumps

with my name

airy

on the plush of

your lips

a name

I feel

is not enough

to call you

call for you

for everyone

does the same

what do I call you

when I want to

be seen

what do I call you

when I want

to breathe

sweet nothings

in the dark

where we can’t be

caught

what do I call you

when I want to

walk into

what you propose

is there such a word

I wonder

that works

for you

tell me

what warms your heart

in me

let me

feel the beat

through your

chest

memorize it

and be proof

you lived

what do I call you

when I want to

say

I love you

specially

to who

I do

in you

As thanks

for your

warmth

Chapter Text

I'm fine

To be

Confined

To this

Other

Another version

Of the world

Created for those

By those

With the power

To see

The other

Side

I don't need

Those highs

My eyes

Are enough

I'm much too

Frightened

By those heights

To touch

You tempt me

With

The burn

Of the beguiling

In the thorny

Beachside

I don't need

Your world

That which

Occupies

The spaces

I see

Yet

Do not know

You lure me

Allude me

With a good time

On the other side

Lights that reflect

In the

Shades

Of your eyes

In the shape

Of your caress

On a wall of

Rainbow

I don't need

To be

Without

But I'm afraid

Of what

I'll become

If I

Doubt

My place

If I

Come to love

The hues

In the day

The night

And the warmth

Of your hand

Tangled

In mine

You don't deserve

To be ruined

As the heavens

Decided I do

With sight

Lost

In a monochrome

Frame

Stay from me

Else I'll

Stray to you

And become

What they all

Say I'll do

If I

Focus on that

Light

Your light

And

Find the blue

In the moon

Chapter Text

Pretty girl

Gritty girl

You should know

I'm toxic

Flush me

Don't

Want me

You're waiting on

Something

I can't be

The girl

Of your dreams

Honey

I hurt people

Unlike me

I'm bad

Bad for

Your knees

I can be

I mean

Your needs

Get yourself

A sweet thing

A neat thing

Anybody

Not me

I'm messy

With green rings

Don't want me

Touch me

I mean

Wash me

Clean

From your mind

Rub me

From those

Big hands

Get me

Or

You can

Haunt me

Girl

With a

Couple things

A knee

Against my

Jeans

Your teeth

Where I'm pink

And

Straight

Surely

The peak

Of your body

That I don't

See

When she's

Wrapping you

In her web

Thread by thread

And I'm

Just a friend

Across the room

With a

Man

Make sure

I know

My place

As you

Get me

Out of your system

Deep

And deeper

Then

Into mine

Cling to

My tongue

Like cough syrup

Baby

I'm bad

Don't run from me

I'm a lot less

Than what you've had

Much worse

Than what you

Should keep

Clean me

Like a dirty mind

Then leave me to

Pine

In the nighttime

Chapter Text

My heart

Is in

My hands

These hands which

Know

The depth

The rim

Of those glasses

Atop your

Nose

Magnifying

Eyes which

Glow like

Gold

With passion

I could stare

Forever in to

Knowing it

Only in you

My heart

Is in my ears

The ears that

Hear

When you call

For me

With potential

With a smile

If you need time

I can wait

A while

Until you say it

Over again

My heart

Is in my mouth

These lips

Which dream

Unclean

And dirty you

Just as

They dirty me

I didn't mind

The sight

Wondered why

Not long enough

To find an answer

Just long enough

To know

What kind

Kind of light

You shine

On those

Worth knowing

My heart

Is in the palm

Of your hands

Now

Just as

Before

I trust you

With it

I love you

In it

I know that

For sure

Chapter Text

Honey

You say

Then gaze

Upon me

Without a single

Lick of sweet

I'm not

like you

I say

Walking in

To the streetlights

Turning away

Stomping out

Your shadow

That one which

Whispers out

Lovely

Hungering words

My lips water

With red

Undeterred

Staining silver

Then you

Hunt me

Grip me

Haunt me

With a presence

So secure

Goosebumps

Across my fingertips

Why was I afraid

I forgot

Drift into a

Memory

I'd planned

To bury

With me

Where I felt death

Hot

Boiling

Unbridled

And burning

Beneath me

Desperate to be

There again

And again

It's so easy

You say

Tempting me

Away

From normalcy

It's so easy

To be free

You say

And your veins

Are alive in me

Honey

You say

And I do

Taste something sweet

Not confections

Or fruit

Only

Drowned in shadow

Lost in you

Chapter Text

I dip my

Fingers

Into honey

Golden skin

I press my

Nails

Into shadow

Soft pressed silk

I pucker my

Lips

Into the unknown

The taboo

Of a first kiss

For the second

Time

With the person

You loved then

And now

Like there's been

No time

In between

When you were

Teens

Much less pristine

In the makings

Of our treasured masks

Messy then

In all ways

Childish

Left giggling

When the boundary line

Would lift

Fine that it was

Open

To someone

You spent your

Sleepovers with

I knock my

Forehead

Into cement

A wall-like back

I drop my

Nose

Into sweet cream

A long claimed neck

I crash my

Confessions

Into diamonds

I never learned to

Turn my back

To

I don't trust

Men

Nor women

I only am

Fooled

By you

Chapter Text

I've never

Liked them

Like you

Before

I've never

Seen you

Like them

Before

I've always thought

My heart was

With her

Before

Now I'm

Not sure

You're handsome

Because

You're a man

Not her

I've never had

To think

If my like

Was improper

Before

You don't know

What you're looking

For

In saying yes

Or no

To words

Spoken without

A real ask

To explore

Outside your

Bounds

Some more

Now

I'm asking for

That

Without anything to

Offer towards

A reward

Only confusion

In me

What's between

Us

As two messy

Teenagers

With no idea

How to talk up

Something we'd never

Thought of

Before

I can't promise

Or be promised to

I don't know how

To talk with

You

I've never liked them

Liked you

Anyone like you

Before

I can't play cool

For

Long after school

All I think about

Is you

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Chapter Text

You could

You could look

A little more

A little deeper

You could

Speak

A little further

A little sweeter

You could

Want

A little less

A little me more

You could

Be

A little fire

A little insightful

You could

Touch me

Less like a

Rival

Acknowledge my struggle

My survival

You could

Read me

Like I read

You

When you spell

All the ways

You live

Outside me

You could

You could

I wish you did

I want you to

Chapter Text

There are people

Folk

I'll never know

Things

I'll never see

Place

Much too far

For me alone

To reach

But I don't

Hunger

The sights

The life

Beyond me

I've been left

Clean

In all ways desiring

Yet I don't

Desire anything

Not to read

To breathe in

Deep

A breath that is

Mine

That I don't desire

To keep

All I want

All I needed

Need

Have since my feet

Touched concrete

Without knowing at all

Where I was going

Was you

You

How could I

Ever be expected

To

Get over

Get on

When my sky

Has lost its blue

My home has lost

It's bloom

My heart

Has lost its

Fumes

You

You

I've lost you

In everything I

Do

Every time I

Move

I feel you

So

What do I do

Chapter Text

There is

Light

I see

An existence beyond

What I've read

What I've studied

In clouds

In strings

There are

Colors of

Justice

In sidings

In me

There are things

I'll regret

That I'll

Never get back

That I'll search

For

I'll hunt

For

In open eyes

Too slow

Much older

Yet

No wiser

For the time

I have yet to

Replace

With proper realities

There was light

Before

And surely

There'd be more

If I found

A way

To reverse mistakes

And revive

All I'd known

To be rotten

To be wrong

Beyond the sky

To the trees

Past traditions

Into grief

Chapter Text

I know not

The properties of

Pale skin

My own

Burned

Long ago

In the blight

Of the sun

Upon my sins

What is that

In your presence

Which alludes me

The energy

The mischief

Which crowns me

Enamored

I don't believe

Things can change

Swiftly

That I can be

Taken somehow

Back to the

Top

Of my bottle

My life drowned

In

Empty swallows

I lost the care

For death

Yet

A single touch

A flutter

Of its breath

To your chest

Makes me wonder

What more

I do not know

About myself

You're good for me

Guiltily

I've learnt time

Lovingly

In the arms

Of who best

Accompanies

My soul

I was once whole

I believe

I was once full

Never once

Did I think

I could ever be

Back pulled

To fulfillment

Yet here I am

In the light

Again

You're what I have

I like life

Again

Chapter Text

Power

I can say

You're powerful

For

My heart was

Full

When you swayed

My hands

I'm but a man

Veins

Pumping blood

To my attachments

You pulled me

Tugged me

Like iron

To a magnet

There was no romance

Not in me

In the

Cloths

We stained

To be washed away

Hidden

I had a life

I was smitten

Yet I fell

For poison

For lust

With no way to trust

What we'd become

Just the eyes

You gave

Which said words

I'd never thought of

I have a home

A place

To belong

Where I return

When we're done

And I pretend

To run

To have sped

Away

When the opportunity came

Yesterday

And the

Month before

You have power

Made me believed

I'd devoured you

The memory

Only to be met with

Jealousy

With your hands

In another

I have love

Elsewhere

I promise

And you have control

Over lightning

Over oceans

Chapter Text

I'm looking

Seeing

Soaring

Backward

In your image

I throw myself

To the wind

Against the breeze

In the trees

Caught in the storm

I'm not sinning

Yet

They'll call me the

Sinner

I'm freed

And breathing

Fine

Sweet air

Your scent

In the splash

Of the wild

Sea

Chapter Text

Lust

I don't know

Lust

Like you

My life

Is a painting

Of boring

Blues

Turquoise

And

Periwinkle

I hadn't noticed

When you

First

Made me

Navy

Slipped black

Through my ears

With your

Dirt

In volumes

Jumped away

Walked with

A heavy

Head

To contemplate

All that was

Erotic

Alluring

In your thoughts

Spilled out

Dirty

Infectious

Over paper

I

Your pen

Opened then

To your nature

To your

Temptation

In hunger

In possession

I hadn't noticed

When my life

Became corrupted

Now

My canvas

Is a dark layer

Made of dark layers

The blues

Drowned out

In the all consuming

Hue

Of black

Of you

Chapter Text

What is that

The command

The air

You spin

With a lift

A perk

Of a finger

The point

Of your toes

The perch

Of your back

What is that

You use

To pull me

Your webs

Your string

Invisible

To my sight

Yet it

Burns

Scars

Pursues

The same

I don't

Have a name for it

The call

The whisper

The will

In it

And when

I dare

Follow it

I'm rewarded with

Bliss

A handful

Of peacefulness

A tranquility

In the sway

The veins

Alive beneath

Your skin

As it lifts

A chin

Calls to be

Chased

To be claimed

I don't know

What it is

But

I can't

Leave it

Be left

With its dance

As only a memory

An image

Snapped

In the midst

Of a trance

I can't leave

Pull me in

Again

With the heavens

At your knees

And your eyes

Gone

Far away

On me

Chapter Text

I'm home

Back to

Where my heart is

So the doormat says

Welcoming my tongue

My work

With a familiar

Chill

I'm not alone

That you know

No longer

Left to

Wait for a presence

In the night

The welcome that is

Warm skin

Hot

Like nothing else

With

Nothing else

To provoke it

He awaits me

With sweet

Sweet

Things that cling

Sweat that beams

Golden and

Alluring

Like honey

Like syrup

I forgot the scent

Was taken aback by

What it meant

For all I'd felt before

It

Without it

Tempting me

Asking me

To forget what I

Now know

This letter

May never reach you

But it will always be

For you

Twenty

Or ninety years

Away

Whether you

Or I

Die

Before knowing it was

The truth

I know now

Alpha

Just as I know

Your tattoo

Was a false

Shadow

A sticker

One I'd allowed

You to contemplate

Upon me

She

Was so pretty

And she

Was yours

I'd wondered then

If you walked with her

Hand down her

Back

Where it stopped

Just before it became

Hips

Did she know

How your grip

Slid

All mischievous

Without attraction

Then it did

Then we found the

Taboo in it

Why it couldn't be

And suddenly

She was always

In the hand you'd

Present to me

A picture

A framed

Lovely thing

Which smelled of

Peaches

Of cream and

Candy

There was nothing

For me

In the goosebumps

You erased

In your wake

Hands

Under my shirt

Without an

Urge

A hurt

Between the legs

For a thing

You'd

I'd

Left home

Buried

You smothered

My bosom

With the press

Of your nose

The depress

Of your breath

When you found nothing

In me

But rose

To gaze into me

Once more

Once softly

Once sure

No longer ignorant

I wanted

Your confidence

Swept the evidence

Of our intentions

Under the rug

Ran my fingers

Through your hair

Told you to stay

To shower

To sleep

With me

Like your

Honey

Like your

Love

You let go

Turned

With cold hair

A stare I

Left you

Unbroken

My book is finished

You're not in it

The further

I look back

The more I see

I knew so little

So fickle

An existence

Of your life

Outside me

Where you went

When you left

Where you called home

When I called you

Wrong

Into mine

Temporary

And foolish

Alpha

I can call you

And you too

To me

Alpha

You can want me

Without a scent to

Ensnare

To remember

I'll tell them

For you

Who

I was

Am

Not just

Once

In this note

I'll leave

With my name

Away from my father's

Fame

As you'd told me

I'd go back

If I wasn't so

Home here

With him

With family

With familiarity

I am afraid

But in death

Once this is seen

I will be released from all

Things horrifying

And love you

As I'd meant to

On that place

Where you

Were the only one

Who understood

Who spoke

As I

In change

In denial

I hope you're back

To her

To omega

And I'll think

Of you

Each time I'm reminded

Of myself

For you

Are in me

So much

Of me

My love

Chapter Text

I wanted you

I wanted you

I held on

To you

I watched

You

I fought

For you

I would've hid

You

But kept you

Still

Beside me

Where you'd always

Be seen

In me

Reflecting

Eyes that

Sought the sunset

The moon

For whatever

I could do

Until I couldn't

Sitting in

The dark

With either

I am overstepped

By a power

All knowing

All towering

Left to

Only

Shower your image

In the memory

Of what would've

Been

Had I leapt

A bit earlier

A bit further

Took you

Over the anxieties

Of a

Foreign thing

Where I couldn't

Open you

Talk to you

Smile to you

With all I knew

Confidently

On me

If only

Chapter Text

How can I say

I love you

When I know

So little of

Who

You really are

Behind the

Stars

In your eyes

The light

Of you

Which became

The most beautiful view

I'd come to know

To savor

In photos

Left unreviewed

By a mind

Undefined

By coins

Which swiped my

Hands

That saved me

For the

King's money

Was worth much more

Than me

My memory

Or

The name

Left unsaid

Caught in my throat

Then resurrected

When you'd arrived

I hardly know you

Just as it should be

As I'm the lips

To your feet

The hold

For your drink

The audience

For your viewing

I love you

My king

Far from me

As should be

For I lack

The confidence

The assurance

To lean in

To trust in

The kiss

You give

Leaving me with

Another

Unforgettable moment

I love you

My king

As I will

Never love anything

Else again

Chapter Text

Oh

My love

Oh

The art

My heart

Could craft

In your name

Oh

My one

This is

The love

You don't see

Everyday

Oh

My flower

Paint

With me

A poem

In the crumbs

Of the ocean

The thrall

Of the mountains

Oh

My soul

Allow yourself

To me

Be bold

For

This place

Is not your

Home

Chapter Text

Don't you know

I'm looking at you

Don't you see

I have nothing

To say

I turn away

When you do

To look

Back

In glance

Catching the sun

The clouds pass

As we dance

Between lightning

Between stares

Can't you tell

I'm thinking

About you

I can't stop

Just because I

Told you to

I have thoughts

Of taboo

When I'm

Waiting

To catch you

I need you

To stop

And to notice me

Too

Chapter Text

I

could tell

I could

see

what I didn't

tell myself

what I

thought was

ego

in your pocket held

was a gaze

you left

when my mind

had fell

to that

unsavory

confidence shell

I never was

liked

I thought

it was too nice

to be

seen so

sufficiently

I divided my

feelings

in a place you and I

could read

and smiled to me

rose your cheeks

I looked to the

corner

found anxiety

in my own place

like I'd been left

to the scattered pieces

in the open case

like I was told to

find

the right

in what I'd left behind

Chapter Text

they don't say

it's true

that the

lights

you think are red

or green

can be

blue

can confuse

will tempt

you

that words

will do

no justice to

this

what others read as

their lives

all finished

coming together

like they'd long

written

in their childborn

wishes

I have to dismiss

as a glitch

to comprehend it

they don't say

it reads

so harmlessly

then breathes

down your neck

asks you to

double-check

you say

no way

then get caught in it

find a lot

to like

in it

drown your thoughts

with the concept

in it

like you'll get

tired

of it

hope you somehow

delete it

and you never do

only

look right into eyes

that stay wanting

in the face of

the antivirus

take the venom

and swallow it

with no way to

defend itself

glowing the red

the blue

Chapter Text

There is no God

Here

Don't open your

Book here

Before me

This room is empty

No one is

Praying here

Yet

You're on your

Knees

Begging me

To be let free

To be allowed

Freedom

In the arms of

Your righteous one

There is no

Right here

My hands

Touch grass

The glass

In my hands is

Water

No wine

No light leaves

In my wake

I give to you

With no hope

For Heaven

Break my

Boundaries

With no wish

In me

For anything

But your gaze

On the same level

As they

As he

Walk into me

Don't crawl

You're

Just as tall

Take me

As I am

With no rose

See me

As I am

With no throne

Chapter Text

hold my soul

how will you

crack

what is

black and blue

behind gold

I don't want to see

until I've

been allowed rest

the sleep

in the soil of the trees

you're so soon

you've barely

left the room

my eyes are trailing you

like red

the ghost

in the corner of the room

in all of them

the life that trails me

endlessly

how would it be

to die

dreaming

in a bed of leaves

I cling to you

as if

you're that

the plush

to back me

as I fail

what if

you're what I want

the reason I

leave

or want to

I hold your

lips

as mine

you're the only

who can do the same

too

Chapter Text

You considered me

I thought

Found a

Yearning

In my want

Collected me

Treasured how we'd

Talk

Found the only room

For silence

For us

In a world

Which we couldn't trust

My love in

Found smiles

By shadowed window

Sills

Talking about

What we'd do

If it were

Different

The world

Our moments

In the everlasting

Underfill

Chapter Text

I question him

in my breathless

tints

look for him

when I arise

in the flaxen red

ribbons

which hover me

guide my hands

the keys with no

purpose

for future me

I play ballads

to another soul

stare to a

smile

while my hands move

hold that word

'treasure'

after being seen through

the 'l''s and 'err''s

of a confession

hidden in another world

a language I do not

hold

only observe

between those

icy blue popsicles

in the summer

and am

asked again

if I feel preserved

Chapter Text

I

consider him

the doorway

how he'd

walk in

light the space

a hundred rays

in his hands

he'd spray the walls

in 'I'm home'

call to me

first and

only

I'd consider then

if I'd earned

'honey'

earned

love from him

I

consider his home

what he named

ours

and I

burned myself with

'no'

with 'never'

he never let it go

how I'd

pace the

dining room

when the bed was half full

looking for a

spare mattress

I didn't feel right

bathing in his

romantics

the sweet slide

of his want

how I could

feel and understand it

I consider

where I belong

leave the room

feel no better

alone

with the past and

him

the remnants

which I regret

making recordings

listening back to

in the moments

I fight

to find my

lies in

craft a past

a mind

we could

die in

allow us to rest

in the moonlight

in the note

I

do not leave

the answers

he does not

receive

for there isn't

enough in me

to consider

any good

in the lonely

Chapter Text

I'm so little. My face becomes smaller as it falls, shrivels. I see taunts in the file locks, the key to become another man I know, but hold no call to. The sun falls, I hardly feel a step out of bed. Each added year a cruel truth, the rest of the world seems oblivious to. I don't think cure, when I look into dark eyes across a cubical. But, I find it there. Swallow spoonfuls sweet, feel my cheeks bloom peachy, when I raise my eyes to the camera screen. Consume my fear of ending, in thick licks of icing. Find myself pulled to my feet, drug down the street, by an arm which clutches me, dutifully. I consider myself the burden in my relationships, yet find myself in his space. His sharp chin over my shoulder, in the kitchen. I'm not sure what I feel, what I'm thinking. I'm afraid of becoming any more different. His heart is in my hands. Only then do I realize I'm selfish. How much I take in my fear, picture his lips, at the end of every call through my ears. I run to him, as if he, my key. I think, I never really needed it, only someone beside me. With life and, warmth rushing their veins. I needed to be shown the light, and he became the window pane.

Chapter Text

I've resigned myself to less, and ask to be left to that. I am blessed enough, by your presence. My envy is little in the face of my satisfaction, your smile. I ask only to be left a spot, across the table from you. The little corner of your cup, your mouth has left a trail to. A chair across the way, dirtied with the crumbs of my, overflow. I make too many mistakes, I ask you at least pretend not to know. Not to notice, when I get too close, promise too much promise, in the face of a joke. My horrid indulgence, in the name of youth, of girls. Who can, do chase you, with no mind to my burning eyes. I've resigned myself to loneliness. The grasp of my own hand in the darkness. A clinging scent at the neck. A skin I cherish with my lips under blankets. I ask you keep me as I am. Allow me my fantasies, the word 'date' within my calendar arrangements. Call my name attentively in the right light, leave me to consider the other side. I know too well that which is wrong. I know it is me, my mind, and my heart.

Chapter Text

I am not like you

I can't remain

So powerfully

In the center of

My room

Where all the light goes

Drifting away from

The world beside

Outside

And below

I know myself too much

Not to

Bite my tongue

To cling to the life

The rules

I've known since I was

Young

Left now to

Beg for the shame

In the shameless

To pretend

He's not the

heat

in my stomach

That he's just

My enemy

Even when

Evil seems so

Heavy

His burden

A thing I

Envy

Looking to not be caught

Between bathroom stalls

Late night drives

With the seatbelt off

Burying my dirtiest

Intrigues in a

Cough

Pretending my eyes

Flicker not

For my doubts

But in denial

In thought

Of what I must turn to

And want to

Swallowing

All that is not

Calling a boy

A burnt matchstick

Still hot

In a pit of wax

Turning my fingers red

Asking to be grabbed

All charcoal and

Black

Calling that burn

An itch

Fingernails tinted

At the edges

Chapter Text

Temporarily redacted for contest purposes

Chapter Text

How much can my fear be

Selfish and

Wary as it

Lie

My love is my pride

My life in

Little more than thousands of words

Poured soul over paper

Hunched over screens

Things I call my own

Which I can only hope

Include me

I cannot bear to

Lose this again

Mundane

Happiness in the arms of

Relationship

And privacy

To allow it all to dwell

Beyond where any one else would dare to

See

This is where everyone else's

Hopes end

Yours prevailing

And it scares me to

Be wrong to hold you

Just as to

Let you go to them

The world which won't

Love what I do

Nor cherish

Stay with me

I'll protect your name

Behind my own

In a couple

Books

Chapter Text

Temporarily redacted for contest purposes

Chapter Text

Temporarily redacted for contest purposes

Chapter Text

Temporarily redacted for contest purposes

Chapter Text

If I could

Love you twice

Just to make the same

Mistakes again

In my ignorance

My obsession deep within

Succession

What I believe I know about

Personal acheivements

Which are all cheap

All the things I learnt

On TV

That everyone else learned

Alone

Or watching who they loved

Crumble beneath the weight of

Everyone I loved

If I could choose to

Be cast away for my

False fantasy of

The hero

A second time

Looking on like the

Sidekick while I

Pull the strings

Call requests

Suggestions to

Dampen their landing

Yet

I am the betrayer

None the less

If i could choose to

Confess my love

After nights on bedroom

Floors

The offer of cake past

Whatever o' clock in the morning

After

Seeing only

Disdain in the eyes of

A drunk man

Who judges my taste in movies

I would

Feel my heart die a second time

Just to be yours

Within the

Time loop

Chapter Text

Breathing amongst me, like my lungs, beating within me, like my heart, my envy burns through all, and I see little through it. Living with it, to dwell in the corners of my eyes, when I look to that place, the name spread where mine should be, over my words, my life on a page, my emotions. He dwells within them like a poem, just as he, ignites it all, to save me. My pain his pain, in some way I cannot accept, that I cannot see, when he paints his lines over my, soul on paper. Says the world isn't ready for me, that I'm afraid of it, and all I wish was it was afraid of me, breaking it. Not just those who help me, and, fall just as me. I wish they'd see what they're missing in my name over, cracked spines, over starry night skies, clasped in hand.

Chapter Text

What can

Be done

If I learn too

Late

It was never me

Just

Your desire to

People please

Which led your

Kiss to my

Head

Your hand into mine

Too close

Where everyone might

See

Everyone you'd

Love the same

If they begged you

Drowned in a pool

Tip toeing

The surface of a

Few memories

Which plague me

Things I keep

Nearest to my heart with my

Chest

What can be done

If I find

I let you in

Too far

Only to find I wasn't

Special

That your sweet nothings were

Nothing

But to me

If I begged you

Could whatever you live as

That is not

Person

Just brother

Just reliable

Just upperclassman

Learn to

Tug your heart strings

Look at me

In a sea

Of people

You'd say no to

Disappoint

Just to get to me

Kiss me

Where everyone would be

Forced to know

You're taken

What will I do

If you say no

Leave me alone

To ponder

A night in a bed

That isn't mine

That becomes nights

I sit outside a

Door

What will I

Do

Chapter Text

My hands itch, burnt over, scabbed, peeled away, to create new. The shape of bruise, carved under red, stained pink, dark salmon between calluses, other carvings of life, that die, without being told to. How can I be asked to let them heal for you, to peel my insecurities away, like skin, instead of, skin, be allowed my grief in a person, not me, for the people who created, me. Open my mouth, as though the door, to my soul, be looked in to, for all I am. A scared boy with little left for me I have yet to destroy. I have loved, still love now, can love you, not, not with any face to, take me, no hand to hold, my pieces, as I crumble away, tooth by tooth, a decaying shell, too big for an examination chair, too small for a king bed. I am not enough, I haven't grown, yet.

Chapter Text

Green as I bloom

My envy my

Heartbeat

Looking onward

Bound for a place I

Tell myself to compete for

In a circle of people

Who seem better

All I want to be

My glasses are grass

My tints

Pollen

I can't see anything trustworthy

In a confession

Yet

Chase a kiss

By the sea

Feel it's wrong

So I

Find the confidence to correctly

Spread a feeling from

One body to another

Recognize so much speaking as

A tick

That I was being looked to

Lovingly

Beyond a wall of moss and

Trees

When my heart

Stops

For a moment where I

Forget to breathe

It is resurrected

In pink

Chapter Text

I've been drawing my eyes down, in the bathroom, and the classroom, where the desk shine and, reflect. I lay my arms out, in the sun, for color, to regain something, and get, deflected. My skin is the same, shade, as my, dress shirt. But, my back, my chest, is lit alight with flames, where I cannot hurt. Humanity slips from me, in appetite, in joy, in sleep. I read the life I took for granted, in the lives of everyone around me. Cling to the only thing, I still feel, which is desire and, love, for one thing. And don't frown, when it is, pulled from me, as, I'm scared of rotting. Of, becoming the thing in the fields. The path destroyed, by the driver, and his heel. The umbrella still, sitting, open, and full. Rain hasn't come again, since I came back to school.

Chapter Text

What we

should not have

but we

do

Waking in the morning

to a body

Whom welcomes me

Where I

once slept alone

and should still

now

this moment is my

own to dwell within

yet I

fail to cling

to it for my

insistence on

A future I may not

see

I am young

yet dream

of life when my

crows feet are as deep as

the hole I look down

into

From above

hoping only it can be

me watching on from

Afar

rather than

So personal a

loss as to

be without what I

should not have

but I

do

what I have an extra

toothbrush in my bathroom

to use

why I've seen

my arms in

The mirror of

A room meant for

people with more

confidence than

me

I don't deserve to keep

any part of this

At all but

the stains

even so

I pray I can

have it all

until my body is

Ashes in the

Rain

Chapter Text

Hands craft

words another way

than I

pen dancing along

paper

sentences in blue

with lips that

move

all at once

forming first

my barrier

then breaking it

shoulders pressed

between flashing

cinematics

footage of

What I can only see

but he

lives within

Speaking

whilst I

build my expression

without a sound

my presence

the silent cling of

Skin to glass

in a moment I

condemn to another

foolishness

not my own

a mistake of

youth

not my own

then draw

my eyes up

the product of

my condemnation

a boy who

enters my place

From his own

off toward a world

I once had

but

no longer owe

my presence

Chapter Text

A nose in my hair to the
buzz of cicadas outside a bedroom
window where all our privacy is
protected somehow with only
the most important eyes tucked away and I
don't know love anymore in
anyone else but those who
raised me though
I wear it still as my
own shield where I claim to not
need one
is it possible I have
not been found or is my
denial shared
Across a pair of bird song
whispers of rings and other
things we'll never have a
family I'll never bore the
man I'll never keep though I
should
should want to but
all I do is hold him in
the space I have yet to
find a replacement
having found an emptiness on my
own where I deserve to only know
at all
cruel as what
people would say if they knew
I'm a liar with no
but to follow it
i'm a liar
who walked
into the flame of emotions I only
desires but never
possessed
and now I'll leave
a mess behind me
once I move on to the next

Chapter Text

I didn't need

what others need

what you

needed

found my love

buried my

admiration

in a couple hours

a bed we

scraped towards

the headboard

then the wall

I don't recall

any doubt

I said 'I love you'

thinking I'd savor

that

a couple hours to

make it

like all the movies said

then happily ever after

out of everyone's

head

but our own

you said

just us

and that was all

I'd known

does that alone

make me unowed

my happy

ending

my naivety

my belief

in monogamy

which made me stiff

made me

undesiring

until the world

the enemy

of all things petty

in the face of

inihilation

makes me

worth it

worth the downtred

of eyes

when those more than me

found your side

left me

Wondering

who else had been

me

lying bare

in a mess of sheets and

dignity spared

speaking of long walks

college dreams

foods that could

buy me

all the people who'd

lied me before

who weren't you

who felt

temporary always

where you'd left your dent

in my mattress

and others

girls

left their dents in yours

am I weak

for still wanting that to be

'no'

for a cheater to be

just that and

not a man in

Gasoline pants

throwing a match

with his lips

for wanting

change to be real

and to

regret my last days

somewhere

in who had consumed

all the rest

Chapter Text

Our privilege is

No one will ever

Believe

We did

What we

Did

Even if we

Say it

Without our words

Blurt secrets

Beyond hotel

Doors

Where one belongs

The other

An intruder

Creating everything

We said we wouldn't

To our

Mothers

Who also would not

See us

For what we are

Amidst the

Scars

We've left

Hoping they'll become

Permanent

Yet they only

Melt

A lesser and lesser

Thing each

Day

Evidence erased

Without the need

For hiding

We don't hide

Everyone else

Only denies

Our existence

And we allow

It

Become snuffed out

In different cities

Different places

Different lives

We leave

For the normalcy they believe

Is our everything

Then

Try to expose ourselves

Again

As invisible as

A floating cobweb

In the

Dark

Chapter Text

A person who is

Bad for you

Isn't always

The bad on their

Own

May be a future

You'd never have known

So intimately

A tragedy

You wouldn't have shared

And now you

Have no choice

But to look to those

Who cry at the sight and

Swallow your own

Knowing you can

Feel it

Because you know

That person

Who

Lingers in the ground

Where you walk above

Aware of a distant

Existence wherein

You wouldn't live this

And perhaps

They would not

As well

Unsure who was

The bad

In the first place

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How it is I

Have everything

Within my reach

More than a man as

I should ever be so

Comfortable to have

Yet I feel so

Shallow

Looking back toward

A thing still mine

Feel nostalgic for what

Was never entirely

Left behind

Live a second life in the

Same shoes

Waiting for a call

That things can be

Redone

That I can be

Redeemed for what may not have been

Mine to do

Nor mine to fix now

Deny a man his life

Beside me

My hole in his

Memories my

Hope things will

Be alright

That my world won't end

Even if its

Emptier now than

It was

Before

When two legs walked

Out my door

Sure they'd be without me

And neither of us

Were happy

For that

But allowed it so we

Could grow up

From what we believed all we

Had

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What I have which

perhaps would

have been better off

without me

is what I want

the world to see

beyond tinted glasses

fan-like masks

with my name scribed across

want everyone to know

what I have

such a

possessive

petty man

as I am

who wants to be seen

beside the man

no one will claim as

mine

but that he is

and he will stay

for my face

on the other side of the

lense

looking back with a

disgust that is only

a word

where behind my eyes

lie a million more

never heard

past my brains

inner corners

where i wake up

searching for one

warmth beside me and

come home

expecting

my man

bent at the knee

peering upward as if I

holy

in some way no other

would see

only call me

what I am

undeserving of

what I have

yet selfishly

I grab

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I still feel her

where she last

stood

taste her on the

air she last

took

see her around the corners where

she once

would

absorb the atmosphere

I don't feel what I

know to be true

that there is nothing

there for me of

who once was

even if I

still hold so much

of her

that she is

gone even if

this death reeks of little

dying

with all this

life she has

left behind to haunt

me

maybe people never

really go

only lower our

expectations

when we sense them

only to find

they hadn't been where we

left them

in so long

perhaps there is no

true death only

longing

so here

I long

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You'd always thought

we'd be this

and never

be more

called my understanding

pity

when I dared to

be presumptuous

gave you hints

that I could see

and I could want

too

that it wasn't just you who

saw 'good friends'

saw 'roommates'

wanted to kiss it from the

lips that lied

have it within us

at the least

to speak truth and

let one another

inside

you'd always thought

we'd never change

and we did

then we

did again

circled back to the

beginning

with all these openings never

given care only

left for me to peer out

in the gray without

the colors

to fill the space

see a knowing in you

one you seem

too afraid to

tell me

the same as before

and all I want

is more

to be presumptuous again

knowing you'd given in

before

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Bury who I

once was

with the world

you seem so

prepared to let go

no matter what it

once did

what it had

led your way in my

arms

all those nights I'd read you

to bed

you

calling love when

I didn't deserve love

until much later

in the years that

passed to the

point I'd also

accepted the world would

crumble away and I'd

die a man who

was bad to everyone no

matter the connection

and

know you were

just a few streets away

yet

keep my distance

too comfortable in my

self

aware of

who i'd be

even if you were

mine again

my insatiable desire

my

imprint left in many a

pillow

but yours was

all that lingered

in mine

I can stay good for a

couple days

in hope I can

be relieved of my

sins in

no apologies only

promises buried in

impending death

bury me long before

I'll be drowned

anyway

see the man I speak and

not who you

know me to be

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I want to be saved

can I be saved

in the imitation of the

heat

I must have

but do not

can I be nurtured

in the memory

you seek to replace

which has not had chance to

breathe

can I be saved

with your power

less than mine

when all you have is

your pride

and my time is little

I want to be saved

even if the hope you give

will hurt me

once it fades away

like paper sheets

in water

down the river they go

no story complete

on their own

just as I will remain

only a piece

of the woman you've left me

the woman you are

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The curse of my yearn

My naivety

Your lie

I beg

Do not ruin

My love

Perish my life

Yet allow me my insides

My heart

To burn the last time

If I am wrong

For peering into brown eyes

And wanting more

When asked for it

For wanting to look past

The thoughts

When light beams from

Beyond it

Allow me the mistake again

If I fall once more

With nowhere to land

And they move on

Whilst I barely stand

Let me be young

If to be young is to

Trust men

And believe

I won't ask to heal

I ask to see

And be seen

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I don't think it will ever stop hurting, that you called us friends and we were never that.

That we could have been that if I wasn't trying to escape the label, and you weren't so desperate to make it fit, unknowingly, despite me.

I'm sure I'll never stop wanting to be less self-indulgent, and hopeful, and naive, whilst entirely aware that is most of what makes me.

So I can see a nice thing and let it be sweet, without forcing it to hurt me and begin to ruin all I allow to call my own.

Here right now, I'm thinking of the past that was only a couple minutes ago, a stay that was only a day ago, and asking myself why.

I didn't want you to see me cry, but you didn't leave when I asked, because friends saw pain and they begin to ask, their own questions, and I should have deflected, instead of wanting to be seen and mentioned, in something other than friendship.

I wish I was your friend.

I wish that was this.

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I don't belong

I know that

Beyond

The pearly gates

Of a love so strong

I question if I can

Dare hold it

If my drunken legs can be

Cleansed

And I led

Once more

Within warm walls

Of family

Where I do not belong

But am called

With a tongue forked and long

And a will so strong

I stoke a flame

Dark and blonde

Unaware it is me

Who allows it to carry on

I see much in man

Which tells me I can

Be what I once was

And live as our love has

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I serve my savior tea

And hide my teeth

Knowing well myself and

All that means

All I've done

All I've seen

And what I see

Now

Is a man who seeks to save me

Tempting

The indulgence of

Normalcy

Where I'd discarded myself before

Sure

I didn't belong

That no amount of rights

Could turn wrongs

Into sunlight

Turn sin into

Starlight

And his hug from too tight

To not just tonight

I serve my savior tea

And perk my lips in false delight

Knowing we won't last

For my light

Is blacklight

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Pain springs root

In strips of red that turn blue

Where I look to you

I spot no lie in

What you call truth

The way your want is spelled

How it's used

Where I lie claimed

Knowing who

In every bruise

With every smile a bitter warning

Of what I've gotten myself into

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Wipe her from your mind

Fill the empty spaces

Where her fingerprints lingered

In me to be

Drowned

If you have no use for these things

Without her around

Cleanse our foundation

Scrub your brain

Until you no longer remember

The sound

Of her affirmation

Before mine

Let it be us

Let the

Right ones be us

If you can

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Wait on me

Please

Whilst I decipher what it means

To feel as I

See

Is felt back at me

The struggle it is

Not to crumble

While I am humbled

In knowing less than I

Had once believed

A person is a book

I have no skill in

Reading

Even with the pages

Laid in front of me

Which I find now

I must study

I'm unsure how to give

Even a branch

In response to a

Tree

Even when

Your smile is lovely

Regardless

I'm not sure how

To press

That your presence

Is a squeeze in my

Chest

And i'd have said

Simply yes

If only I didn't believe

You deserved my best

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I've heard a lot about you, so even when I knew you, I didn't know you. When I dug deeper, to find the truth, I found some of those flaws they thought, would keep me from you, were always true. And it might not mean anything to you, if I say I'm the self-destructive type, to where those things don't dim my light, only make me wish I possessed, more fight in me, so I wouldn't watch you go so easily. I guess maybe you don't know that me, and are just, living in the reality we're enemies, doing things as our parents deemed, even when we scheme. You're still miles away from him, and I'm so close, I know every part of him.

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Oh, to treasure, what I've always held, so roughly, beside me.

To see, somebody, completely differently, than before.

To love someone, with a purity, that cannot be yours.

To realize all the confessions, spoken, but never bold.

To remove someone from the, torture, of looking pretty, but never bored.

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Burn me, then lick me clean, like a bleed. Put me out, simply by, just breathing, down collared shirts, ties that hurt, just to lurk, anyway unsure, calling me impure, whilst running from your own, depths. And I chase a death, you don't get, whilst you, sweat me, in my scraped knees, down unsocked feet. Don't call all boys evil, then chase me. You're wasting my blessing.

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Your instinct to protect and their misdirect met, and I've yet, to be let go.

The weight of your mistake is one I take, with all I know of treasure, where I'd always been measured as less.

A life has no price, but if I am all that's left, that's no equal effect, or reaction.

You've wasted yourself, and our love was the passion, which kept the bars of your prison.

I've never been selfish before, but you're teaching me that lesson.

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A man like me and unlike me, with free right of my body, our spirits intertwined, our fates aligned, we cross the white lines with no signs, of anything but intent. If I'd known you better then, would I have still went, where I went, and let my last be spent in you? When we're together there is two, though you absorb me, into you, so soon, I question in the mirror who, looks back at me, for there is but half a man without you.

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I'm too shy

To decide

To defy

The lives we've known together

Where we went so

Well together

Though you claim it false

Say there was always more to you

The face I didn't see

Whilst I placed my faith

In another family

And allowed you so close

Without thinking

Independence feels so much to ask

When I owe so much

For my past

It's easy to say

Do away

With a thing

You've never lived between

It doesn't feel fair

Asking me to choose to

Move things

If it means to lose things

Once more

The chance of loneliness

In one

Again

Not that I know much more

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Look at me, with no preconceived, meaning, to my existence.

Worship me, not for my lovely, place, in the system you face, from below

But, for earning me, with the world, your foe.

See me as the man beside you, whose only glow, is for the happiness you've brought him, for not saying no.

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The right thing to do

So rarely aligns

With the heart's desires

When I found the place you'd taken

That wasn't meant to be ours

I understood your power

And where mine fell short

I don't want to hurt anyone

So I hurt my soul

Knowing I'm a liar and a cheater

Who will never be whole

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I don't want to live long, knowing only what I could've done wrong, yet did not.
Listening to a moment's thoughts, on long walks, surrounded by people who talk, and don't stop.

Then living a second life in a false wife, when the lights are off.
And we don't watch one another, in hopes to find a slip-up, to justify getting hopes up.

We only watch the flowers wither, knowing they'd been real enough to die, and ask 'why can't I?'.
Then remember we can. That our lie is our life, and we certainly can.

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It would never have been

Me and you

If I'd stayed in the world that

Couldn't see us through

The place I'd hide away inside

Dark and shallow rooms

Finding my time rarely spared

For the sort of view

I'd only known deep in the past

A shunned man my muse

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It isn't fair

You only care

When there's nothing for you to lose

When saying yes to the heart you'd abused

Is a win-win for you

The only risk

My trust in who

You say you've become

As a man with no seconds

When I'd always been one

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I'm not old enough

There's so much else

For me to see

Other places I

Belong

And should be

But I choose my company

Even as a teen

My heart unbound

By society's rulings

If I love a man

I love a man

And that is all I need

If you ask me to discard that

You're asking to be rid of me

Lying to yourself

That age is everything

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Nothing means anything really. We hear things from people all our lives that feel so big, and then they die. And they only grow each time they're retold. That is what I know, what I'd known, what I'd told you, believing all things could be solved with, the sort of knowledge in books and rules, until I lost you. And called to unspeakable odds, screamed there were no God's, and felt lonely in an emptiness where there had always lied emptiness. I believed I'd known everything, for I'd known the strong men, who said they knew everything, and they lived, and I live, but you didn't. All of you remained forbidden, lost, hidden, with no remark for who was, only darkness, and unluck. I don't know anything, all I'd done was listen.

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Oh, how you've left me lonely.

How lovely I've made you leave me.

For there's no room in stardom,

For a lump of meteoric coal,

In the star's glow.

I know what's bound to happen,

What will,

Even if our promises stay promises,

And my bills become,

Our bills.

I'm meant for loneliness.

And you're better than this.

So you'll find somewhere else to look into abyss,

And all attraction,

What must be,

Sympathetic interaction.

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Men have rotten souls. And eyes. And, hearts. I don't look as wary, as I may be, before a man, who can stand before anyone, and never depart his eyes. For, polite is his decision, dictated by a mind and, a rotten diction. Fiction he makes, known for being, chosen, in attraction. I don't seem to know as much as I may, a clown for the king, in red gown, but I've seen through men, and have enriched my mind for their sins. Men in power and their, false rings. The kingdoms they build, bathing, in waiting, for false things, in silk lining.

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Tell me your bargaining will never change. That, the way you'd won me, by spinning the twine of my life, whilst I begged to keep my wife, will be the least of your sacrifice, in finding you want more.

Tell me, how you trap me, then ask me to be yours. How you'll never let me off the leash which held me from choice.

Tell me, you will feed me, once more, as the latch closes tight around my neck. Say I won't be left starving, waiting for your next bet.

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Little trees get overshadowed by the oak, when they sprout through concrete, as green bulbs prepare to get smashed into the ground. And it never finds proper shape, so it grows into the thought of the sun a mile away, while the oak makes a further shade. Kissing at its roots, for the years between their developing.

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There's nothing wrong with how you are

Nothing you hate

Can change me

I'm not known for listening

Or choosing the easy thing

For the sake of

Fitting in

Where our darkness prevails

Is what I've lived in

Knowing best the prevalence of

Uniqueness

Over others enjoyment

Because life while you're young

Is all about running from society

Before your rope runs out

And you snap back into its arms

With whiplash

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Some things begin so early

That we think they must

Be fake

We push them away

Thinking nothing good can come

From something

After so much pain

Only to find ourselves deceived

After all

Deepest when

The pain returns

And we regret nothing

For

We'd lived

And having another to share

That in

Makes all things feel worthy

Even ourselves

Where we'd once felt

So small

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I want to hate who exposes me, just as I hate myself.
Using whatever time I have left, to dress how I like, behind the light, so as not to be attached, to another name.
To not be attached to a, girl.
Who seeks to end me, and her unwilling, suitor.
The crumble of my world, before an audience of teenagers, who know nothing of me.
Just that, they've seen a girl in my image.
Seen all I am not, in me, from you.

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If it wasn't you

I don't know who it would be

But it is you

And I'm the type of person

Who likes people like you

So maybe I'm just destined

To be screwed

For people

And maybe I'm destined to be

Naive enough to think

It would be different

As if hundreds of you don't exist

And they'd all attract me like this

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I remember when you said you would do all the things you really did, because promises meant, something to you, where they usually died in men.

I know that because I've begun to be confused by little but you, and I'd lived a long time trying to break the cycle, only to remember where I was birthed and to who.

Everything becomes minuscule when life becomes routine, when two people without parents are separated, so a couple can be made, and time broken, but they're doing mundane things.

Like falling in love, and forgetting everything else.

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If I could, I'd never ask for things to be any different than they are. Only for this. Where you're close, and safe, consumed, within my arms, knowing no harm in me. Even if, relying on this, to last, means wasting my time, on a loop of the past, which cannot change, even if I have. It means, being never more, and knowing it without a doubt, even when you press my ear to your mouth, and your hands on my chest. It means, neither of us ever, find someone to want, who we're weak to, because I'm the docile guard, and you're the prince I shouldn't speak to.

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I'd been asked not to pick you over and over again.

I started getting so used to it, that I'd recount the begs to you, like hilarious, tall tales.

We'd laugh over being shunned away, because we valued our sanity, at one another's side.

And all we'd had was one another.

All I had was you, because that was the sacrifice in chasing heart, like everyone else, whilst being different.

We'd become these orphans, these strangers.

I'd been asked so many times to leave you behind, i couldn't register that death were a greater barrier.

That the grim reaper could combine with the retched mind, of the family who'd left you.

And make something I couldn't face, waking up in an empty room, your essence encapsulated within as though, I were still with you.

Until my eyes cleared.

Whilst you were so far away, I was kept from seeing you, from watching you wither away, until the last I'd heard of you was them, and I hadn't cherished those last moments.

For I thought they'd happen again.

Then it was too late, though I clung to my own truth, until met with words who nothing of what I were in you.

And just as I'd been blinded then, Heaven surely must have closed your eyes, as my shoes left my feet, my body met the sky.

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Burnt bread doesn't deserve butter

But some will

Still get a buttering knife

And begin to spread

The yellow

Over the darkness

Without asking to be rid

Of it

Then add a little jelly

And enjoy their scarred piece

Without complaint

Some will pass their compliments to the chef

And never ask for it any other way

Because burnt is crunchy

And resilient

And tastes the same

With extra toppings

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We reunite once more

To the sorrow

Of all the time

We'd left behind

All that we held

Which shouldn't have been enough

To stop us

But life's problem

Is always

How easy it is

To excuse what we've done

As to right

What we did

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Red threads, will lead all back where they once came, and were slain, in same place. Two men will question a worthy end, asked if Heaven were enough to bend, just as men, before them. With no knowledge, of more than earthly mundanity, the dream of being no less than they are, only being rid of the anxiety, of rejection in another. For now, it is fine to repeat mistakes of the ancestors, if it means things may be fixed, and each generation allowed to rest without their secrets.

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Chapter Text

Dark eyes watch porcelain dance, as the room is entranced by the family man, settled down after his office job, tie tossed away, and shoes dropped.

Dark eyes watch sticks battle over grains of white plains, as the young man recounts the girl he'd declined, for he were fine without, with his full mouth.

Dark eyes watch shadows pass across wood, blinded partly by the glimmer of glasses where they linger across a nose, and nobody knows it isn't right to ask if they don't know, not right to impose, so a man puts his hand on an elbow, and the boy turned man who looks at him, with dark eyes years past, laughs, while he holds in a lifetime of cracks, called for the first time, by another pair of dark eyes.

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You covered up all the important bits whilst naked, let the air soak in skin, like mirrored edges, yet set eyes on nothing. Cross arms across chest, between legs, and be stripped, but not upset. Don't dare dress, in the stress of, being seen. Let light simmer, until summer leaves, and winter forces your retreat. All bundled up, in corners stuck, with frostbitten feet.

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You'd smiled to me

And I was sure

You were part blind

For the reflection of me

Waiting in store

For my perplextion

Was nowhere near worthy

So You must have seen different

You'd smiled at me

Like I was them

Like I'd shown You I wasn't so

Out there and lost

But none of that was me

You'd looked at me

As if you'd mistaken my body

As clean

Whilst You'd eyed every spot which

Named it dirty

You smiled

And I'd never felt so

Mistaken in a gaze

And loved

All the same

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I've left pretty seashells on the beach, knowing they weren't meant for me, though I'd pick them up still, to admire them, before I leave them to, someone else's handle, on the crystals of the sand. Or perhaps to, be drug away by the ocean, again, lost, with the last memory of my admiration before it's gone. I've left pretty things before for being too good for me, being too much, because I know at home I have a, boring shelf awaiting them, or a tinted vase, to which they'd be encased, and never spoken to again but from me, isolated by my joy in their existence. Because it is a shame, to be loved by me, and for that to be a life. So, I leave things, for better people, on better days, and never consider, that hiding away might not be such a bad thing, when treasured by a gaze.