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Jimin had promised. He had promised they would be all right, and still—
Things are not at all how Jungkook hoped they would be when they were lying in that bed together, in that shady motel somewhere in the darkest alleys of Seoul, swearing they would break through any obstacle coming their way to tear them apart. Jungkook was scared back then that they wouldn't make it, that they wouldn't withstand the criticism and hate expressed in the aftermath of that one breezy summer evening — the night they got caught, the night they were exposed, the night that turned their whole world upside down. It is autumn now, and even though they continue to stand together as one, Jungkook still fears they will drift apart when the next wind blows.
A lot has happened in the last few months, things that a young couple like them can't get over so easily. Millions of articles have been released about their involuntary outing, most of them judging the two men for even letting things go this far. Interview requests are coming in each and every day too, because people still don't seem to get enough of them. The shitstorm over the pictures the paps took of the two members kissing has not stopped, and sasaengs are even more intrusive than ever before. There is no end in sight. None at all.
Fortunately, Jimin and Jungkook aren't alone in this. In fact, they never really have been. As Yoongi once so nicely put it: What a relief we have seven members, what a relief we have each other. Jungkook honestly has no idea what he would do without them, without knowing he has people around him whom he can fully and blindly trust and rely on, no matter what.
And yet—things are different. How could they not be?
Jimin doesn't smile as brightly as before, not as genuinely either; not even when they are alone, when they can pretend that they are the only two people on earth and nothing and nobody can ever come between them. Of course they have always known that that isn't true, but they could pretend, and believe it too, even if just for a little while. Now, though, Jungkook can't even hold his boyfriend's hand properly without fearing he will slip away, his heart going with him — far far away, unable to catch. Their love is slowly fading, falling into oblivion; and Jungkook feels like the last leaf on a branch, clinging, holding on for dear life, hoping it could last forever.
He pulls the older boy as close as he can whenever they kiss, whispers bittersweet I love you's against his lips, but those three words don't come back as often anymore. They always used to.
Lately they have been extremely busy preparing their next comeback, so Jungkook tries to blame it on the stress and the missing time to indulge in relationship matters. However, deep down, he knows that's not the reason why they are slowly but steadily growing apart. They have always been busy after all, ever since they met, always practicing, performing, traveling. Jungkook finds it hard to understand what has happened to the love that once meant everything to both of them, that made them feel most alive and human. They were each other's anchor, each other's reason to stay, no matter how hard things got sometimes. Perhaps the grip was so tight it made Jimin doubtful, or maybe it was too loose after all, and the younger hadn't realized before it was too late.
It is a cold autumn night, a quiet one, when they find each other again on the rooftop of their company.
They have had an outdoor garden since they moved their headquarters not too long ago, and even though they all liked the idea of spending their breaks up here, Jungkook suddenly feels out of place. How dare those plants and trees and flowers grow and thrive while Jungkook feels like he is withering, his leaves drying, blossoms dying?
They lean against the railing, eyes not on each other anymore but on the city beneath them. It hurts to realize that things have changed, and it certainly hurts a lot more not to know whether things will fall back into place one day, whether their souls will find each other again at the end of the road, just like they have always done. They have always had something special, Jimin and Jungkook, and it would be heartbreaking to lose. The thought alone is shattering him—not ending up with Jimin—because Jungkook could never imagine there to be someone else next to him, walking with him, walking together until the very end. Jimin is his person, his everything. He is the puzzle piece that had been missing until the day they first laid eyes on each other. Jimin completes him like no one else could ever do, and Jungkook's world hasn't ever been the same since then. He isn't ready to let go.
"Are you cold? Do you want my jacket?" Jimin breaks the silence with a gentle offer.
"I'm okay, but thank you," the younger declines, his chest tightening at the softness of Jimin's voice, at the way he still cares for Jungkook like it is second nature to him. It is nice to be reminded of the fact that, in spite of everything, some things are most likely never going to change. A storm could break loose, growling thunder as lightning strikes, rain could flood the streets, shattering even the very last leaf. Still, Jungkook and Jimin would never stop being them. Even if they end up being nothing but friends, even if they lose what they have today, and despite every closeness they may have lost over the last weeks, they will always play an extremely important part in each other's lives, and Jungkook wants to do everything in his power to make it stay this way.
"How is your shoulder doing?" he asks the older boy then, to keep the conversation going, because he can't remember the last time they were able to have a chat without anyone's eyes on them, constantly making sure they don't make any more mistakes. "I heard you almost dislocated it when you were practicing your solo performance today."
Jimin lets out a breathy laugh. "Uh... yeah. My sleeve got stuck on a prop. I didn't notice, so it pulled me backwards with quite a force."
"Hmm," Jungkook hums softly, and then, after some hesitation, "Be careful next time, please."
"Okay. I will, Jungkookie," he whispers, his eyes still on the illuminated streets beneath them, following cars and passersby. And then, quietly, Jimin is slowly creeping his way back into Jungkook's heart (even though he's never left it anyway, could never)— "I'll do anything for you."
"I'll do anything for you, too," Jungkook says, heart fluttering in his heavy chest.
"I know." Jimin smiles, the younger boy knows without even having to steal a glance.
No, Jungkook doesn't need to look at Jimin to see him. Never has. Jimin is an open book to Jungkook in a lot of ways. His love is pure, brutally honest, and physical. Jimin isn't the kind of person who has to explain himself in order to let people know how much they mean to him. Instead, he shows it, proves it with little gestures. It can be a hug when it is needed the most, soothing fingers in Jungkook's hair, picking up the phone in the middle of the night just to listen, or even the smallest, (seemingly) most insignificant action like waking Jungkook up with a cup of coffee in his hand. Jimin lets people in, really lets them in, lets people see what kind of person he is deep, deep down, if he wants to, and Jimin let Jungkook see him almost nine years ago. Jungkook has never met a soul so beautiful, so open, and lovable. There is absolutely nothing in this world that would make Jungkook want to leave the cozy warmth inside Jimin's chest. Jimin has let him in, and Jungkook would do anything to stay right there.
Jungkook dares to ask, "Hyung, do you still love me?"
He hears a soft sigh then, which makes him turn his head to the side, brown eyes finally back on the boy he has adored ever since he was fifteen. Jimin looks beautiful in the pale moonlight. He looks beautiful anywhere, at any time, so much it pains him. Jungkook is so in love, still, after all these years.
"I will always love you, Gguk-ah."
"But not always like that... Am I wrong?"
Jimin looks up, and their eyes meet, and the younger can feel that it is over. And it hurts. Oh, how much it hurts.
"You said we'd be all right," Jungkook whispers, tears coming down like dry leaves. "You said we would get through this. You lied to me."
"I've never lied to you, Jungkook-ah," he disagrees, his voice as sweet as honey, just like it has always been. "We are still here. We are still a team. Bangtan hasn't disbanded either, has it? And you and I, we are good. I know we don't get as much time to ourselves as before, especially now that we can't really be seen anywhere together without setting off a tabloid frenzy. But I still care about you, deeply. I'm just... confused and overwhelmed with all this attention. I don't know how to behave around you when the cameras are on, and we both know that they are always on, always around to film us. It is so hard to keep myself from looking at you and from talking to you, from making the stupidest and most awful jokes just so we can laugh about them together. So, to be frank, yes, it is hard to be around you at the moment but, believe me, that doesn't mean I love you any less."
Jungkook's vision is even more blurry now. "I just—I miss you so much," he confesses quietly.
"And I miss you, too. How could you possibly doubt that?"
"Perhaps because there are no cameras around right now, but you continue to keep me at arm's length," the younger explains, desperate. "I love you, hyung. I love you so much, you know that. And it hurts when you pull away."
"I'm sorry. Hey—look at me. Please look at me," Jimin pleads as he carefully takes Jungkook's face in his hands and tries to make eye contact with him. "I know we are going through a rough patch right now. I know things haven't been easy for you, but they haven't exactly been easy for me either. I love you. Do you hear me? You are the love of my life, Jungkook. But loving you..." he trails off, letting his eyes wander, hands coming down to rest on Jungkook's chest instead. "Well, it comes with a lot of consequences. And I am not saying that it's not worth it. Fuck, it absolutely is... Doesn't mean we can just stop caring about what the public thinks of us and how it affects the other members, though."
Jungkook gulps, his chest feeling too heavy all of a sudden (although, if he is honest with himself, it has felt like this for months). It feels as if Jimin's hands are burning through the fabric of his shirt, his skin, and ribcage, reaching and reaching until they are able to squeeze Jungkook's heart in the most violent way there is. Jungkook suddenly understands, right then and there, that if Jimin doesn't stand by who he is (something he cannot ever change), they will never be together like Jungkook wants them to be. They will never go on dates together, will never kiss each other's lips in public, or buy a house together just for the two of them to enjoy. It wouldn't even matter that the public already knows. Jimin would never let them take it that far—not if he has the power to stop it.
"Do you care about what society thinks of people like us?"
"You don't know how badly I want to say that I don't... but I do," Jimin confesses quietly. However, to Jungkook it sounds like Jimin is screaming in his ear. "I mean, we have to care," Jimin continues then. "We have responsibilities we can't just avoid because it is easier for us that way."
"The other hyungs said they would support us, no matter what."
"Of course they would, and I am so grateful for that. But do you really want to be that selfish?"
"So, what, you would rather give up on us?" Jungkook snaps, because how dare he? How dare Jimin, even if for a second, doubt what they have? How dare he throw away years of love and support and fucking effort to keep this relationship going and alive? How dare he break his promise, break every promise they have made to each other? How dare he stand there and call Jungkook selfish for wanting to be with Jimin for the rest of his life as if it was a crime? How dare he make Jungkook feel bad for loving him too much? How fucking dare he?
"What? No. No, that's not what I'm saying at all," Jimin declares, eyebrows furrowed. "I love you, do you hear me? This is just going to take some time, until things have calmed down. Until then, I just... I don't want to risk making things even worse for the seven of us."
"But what if things won't ever calm down?" Jungkook prompts. He takes a step backwards, until the back of his thighs hit the railing, to let himself breathe. "There will always be people who'll talk about us, who will judge us. You and I, we haven't had a proper conversation in weeks, and it fucking sucks. I feel so—I feel so distant from you. As if we're broken up. I don't even want to imagine how it is going to feel if we go on like this for another month. Besides, I don't want to wait another two months or, Heaven forbid, even longer, without even being sure that things will really be all right by then." Because they cannot know. How could they? Jungkook isn't willing to wait around and see them fall apart more and more every day while hoping for the best, either. He isn't willing to wake up one day and realize a sharp difference compared to how they had been loving each other before any of this happened. "I can't lose you, hyung," he finally whispers. "I need you. I need you in my life."
"Jungkook, you are not going to lose me, okay?"
"Then why does it feel like I've lost you already?"
Silence. Nothing but deafening silence and the erratic beating of his heart. It hurts. God, how much it hurts.
"I feel like this is over and you and I both know, but aren't ready to admit it," the younger sniffs.
Jimin shakes his head, eyes wide and shining anxiously, hands shivering. Jungkook doesn't think he has ever seen the elder like this, not even when the paps caught them kissing almost three months ago. "I don't—" Jimin's breath gets caught in his throat. "I don't want us to be over. Jungkook, I love you—"
"Well, I love you too, and we keep saying that, but what if this is the only thing we have left in common?"
"Gguk-ah—" Jimin's voice fails him once again.
Jungkook sees tears forming in the corner of the older boy's eyes, feels them in his own eyes as well, and it pains him to see what they are doing to each other, what they have become. They used to be so happy—definitely not carefree, but it was always enough—whenever they were standing in front of each other like this, smiling at each other like lovesick fools. They were always on cloud nine when they had a short minute for themselves, touching and kissing like there was no tomorrow, giggling into each other's mouths, because they were exactly where they belonged at that time. They were always in the right place at the right time with each other. But now… Maybe they have grown out of it, maybe they simply do not belong here anymore but somewhere else. Maybe they were never meant to end up with each other, even though that's exactly what Jungkook has wanted since the day he met Jimin for the very first time. Maybe all this was just a great thing that happened along the way, meant to teach them about love and euphoria and heartbreak, but not about happy endings. Suddenly Jungkook feels sick to his stomach.
Jimin seems to notice, though, because he comes closer again, hand on Jungkook's left cheek as he strokes the apple of it with his right thumb, and brings their foreheads together gently. "I understand what you're feeling," he says then, quietly, voice like honey—always so sweet. "I understand your pain and the anxiety, but I promise you, we will get through this and we will get through this together. We have been through so much, you and I. This is just another bump in the road. I promise you, okay?"
Jungkook nods, a multitude of tears finally streaming down is face as if they'd been waiting for years, just waiting to eventually fall without strength, and his arms snake around Jimin's waist to pull him even closer. "I'm just so exhausted, hyung," he sobs, their noses touching.
"I know, baby. I know," Jimin whispers against his lips. "Let me help you."
"…How?"
And not even two seconds later, Jungkook finally feels Jimin's lips on his own again for the first time after what feels like a lifetime. Sighing, the younger closes his eyes and just takes it all in. And it gives him so much—energy, strength, happiness, and, most of of all, love. It gives Jungkook the love he has been pining after for weeks. He has felt so empty lately, so, so, so empty, like a well in the desert. But kissing Jimin on the rooftop of the company they have basically built from scratch—it fills the deep void in Jungkook's chest, the void Jimin left when he suddenly stopped saying 'I love you' back and stopped crawling into Jungkook's bed late at night, the void that has gotten steadily bigger and bigger ever since that one breezy summer evening. It goes without saying that Jimin has always been the only one who could make Jungkook feel whole again.
Jungkook then grabs the front of Jimin's sweater as if his life depends on it, and he kisses the elder as if he is the only one Jungkook could ever love. (He probably is.)
"Don't give up on us," Jimin whispers breathlessly between their kisses, his tone almost begging. "We'll be fine. Just—don't lose hope. Please. Please? I need you here with me, too."
"I don't want to hide anymore."
"I don't, either. We'll get there. We will," he reassures the younger before he gets back on his tiptoes to meet Jungkook's lips again and again and again. They have been here so many times. "We just have to be a little patient," Jimin explains calmly, and then Jungkook feels his tongue against his own. So, so many times.
"How much longer until we break?" Jungkook presses.
"I don't know," Jimin answers honestly. And even though it stings, Jungkook appreciates his sincerity. "But just a little more, Jungkook-ah, and then everything will be all right. Just like I said, you and I will always be all right," he assures the younger once more, repeating the same words he said the night they were exposed, the night the whole world came crashing down around them. "No matter what happens, that will always be true. You can always hold onto that. Always." And Jungkook finds himself believe him.
Jungkook believes him when Jimin tells him that he is still deeply in love with the younger, even after all these years. He believes him when he pushes Jungkook against the railing and kisses him like he means it. He believes him when he pulls on Jungkook's hair and sighs into his mouth and promises him this is forever. Jungkook believes and loves Jimin in every parallel universe there is, and he will never stop. He has never been more certain of anything. They have found each other again on the rooftop of their company tonight, and they will find each other many more times in the future; Jungkook just knows. But he doesn't care much as long as he can trust they'll always end up in each other's arms at the end of the day, no matter what life throws at them.
"Come home with me, hyung," he pleads when he feels Jimin shiver with cold. "And stay. Please stay."
"Only if you promise to stay, too."
"I will, I promise. I will always stay with you."
Jimin smiles at him then, moonlight still shining on his beautiful face, and Jungkook swears he's falling in love with him all over again. "Same here," Jimin breathes, bumping their noses softly. "You have nothing to worry about."
Jungkook's heart swells twice to its normal size.