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“Okay I’m not going to claim that these are better than Bobby’s,” Buck said, placing the freshly-made plate of crepes on the counter in front of May. “But I think I did a pretty damn good job.”
“They look good,” May agreed, taking a few onto her plate and reaching for the nearby sliced fruit. “Hey, can you pass the—”
Buck slid the jar of Nutella with a knife sticking out of it in her direction.
“You’re the best brother ever.”
Buck chuckled, “I won’t tell Harry you said that.”
May pointed the Nutella-covered knife in his direction. “Harry doesn’t make me crepes, you’re officially winning the best brother competition.” A dab of Nutella fell from the knife but Buck had already slid his own plate forward to catch it. “Whoops.”
“You’ve lived here for two weeks and you’re already making a mess.”
“It’s not a mess if it’s not on the counter.”
Buck raised an unimpressed eyebrow at her then smirked. “You’re the one who has to live here, and if you wanna bring anyone over you don’t want Nutella stains on your counter. Or floor.”
May rolled her eyes. “I would clean it first. C’mon, this place looks pretty good,” she said, gesturing vaguely around the apartment.
It had been a struggle to find a place that all of her parents were satisfied with, but it had helped to start with the list her mother had provided, and honestly it had been a relief to have somewhere to start. She never imagined how much work would go into apartment hunting, and while to a point it had been fun to tour various places, the actual paperwork side of things had been daunting. Working at the call center had been a blessing in more ways than one, giving her work history and income to put on the lease, and having her parents willing to co-sign was a huge benefit.
Buck nodded appraisingly, eyes sweeping the apartment. “You did really well, I think I would’ve lost my mind if I had to furnish my apartment on my own.”
“I had help,” May said with a shrug, but she was honestly proud of how everything came together. “Did Maddie or Eddie help you?”
Buck grimaced, taking a sip of his drink; a virgin mimosa which he’d mixed for the both of them because ‘Athena will literally gut me if I give you alcohol.’ “Ali, actually. She’s an interior designer, it was kinda her thing.”
“I don’t think I ever met Ali,” May said consideringly.
“Yeah, we never really reached the ‘meet the family’ stage,” Buck said.
Sensing that it was a sore topic of conversation, May cast around for something else to talk about. Unfortunately, the only thing that was coming to mind was why she’d invited Buck over in the first place, and while it was a conversation she wanted to have, she was hoping she’d have more time to psych herself up for it.
She stalled by focusing on building her crepes, smoothing a generous helping of Nutella onto each one and covering it with several slices of strawberries.
Buck watched her out of the corner of his eye and then swapped the bowl of strawberries for the blueberries he’d been dishing out moments ago. Finishing her creation with the blueberries and sliced bananas, May waited until they’d both had the chance to take a few bites before gearing herself up to speak.
“If I confront you about something, can you hold on to your denial until I tell you why I brought it up? I need advice.”
Buck raised an eyebrow at her, swallowing his bite of crepe and raising his mimosa glass tentatively. “Okay...”
“I know you’re in love with Eddie.”
Buck choked, having chosen that very unfortunate moment to take a sip of his drink. May waited patiently for him to recover, eyes glinting with amusement. She probably could’ve waited until he’d finished his drink, but this was more fun.
“First Taylor, now you,” Buck muttered petulantly, wiping his mouth. The comment made May want to ask what happened with Taylor Kelly, but she held onto her own curiosity for now. “What is it about me that screams ‘I wanna bang my best friend’?”
Buck’s eyes widened comically and his face flushed the same shade of red as the strawberries as his brain caught up with the fact that he’d spoken out loud. “I—”
“I’m not gonna tell anyone,” May said placatingly, and Buck’s shoulders dropped in relief. “Although you’re fooling yourself if you think we’re the only ones who’ve noticed. Frankly I’m surprised Taylor was the first person to break down and say something about it.”
Buck slumped in his chair now, running both of his hands through his hair. “I...I didn’t even know I liked men until...I dunno when it happened honestly. My brain definitely went to ‘I love Eddie in a way that isn’t platonic’ before it went to ‘Wait, I find a non-woman attractive.’”
May chewed her lip. It wasn’t quite how her own realization had gone; she’d figured out she was bisexual when her brain had been set on a confused reaction of thinking she was jealous of how pretty other girls were until something finally clicked in her head like ‘No, honey, you don’t wanna be that, you wanna get with that.’ Once she’d made peace with that, she’d hoped things would get easier, but life was never that simple.
When she pulled herself out of her thoughts, she noticed Buck was watching her thoughtfully, seemingly distracted from his own woes about Eddie.
“So you need advice?” he asked softly, his tone knowing yet not prying, like he was giving her an out if she didn’t want to share that part of her with him.
“I’m bisexual,” she said, and she adored the way Buck merely smiled silently and reached out to hold her hand across the table. She held onto it with a tight grip and didn’t let go. “And I think I might be in love with my best friend.”
Buck’s face shifted into a wry smile. “I see where the advice bit is coming to play, but I think the fact that you had to call me out on my own love doesn’t bode well for any kind of useful advice.”
May snorted, sniffing back relieved tears a moment later. She never in a million years thought Buck would react badly to her declaration, but having concrete evidence of his support right in front of her was everything.
“I was kinda hoping you could help talk me through how to deal with this,” May admitted. “And then maybe through helping me you’ll realize what you can do to tell Eddie.”
Something forlorn settled into Buck’s face. “Eddie’s dating Ana, they’re happy together and Christopher is happy...I can’t wreck that for them just because of how I feel.” Buck sighed then, slumping in his seat. “Although my feelings don’t bode well for my dating future. No one’s gonna want to be with me when they know they’re playing second fiddle to Eddie.”
“That’s what happened with Taylor?”
Buck nodded, and May was glad to see that he didn’t look all that broken up about it. “She said it wasn’t fair to either of us, and she’s right. But we’re gonna keep building our friendship together, we both want to stay active in each others’ lives. It’s kinda nice.”
Frankly, May was happy to hear that Taylor was sticking around in Buck’s life. She didn’t know much about her beyond vague talk about her career and the fluff piece she’d done on the 118, but she seemed like a cool person to know.
“What about you, what’s your hangup?” Buck asked curiously. “I doubt your best friend has a kid whose heart you need to worry about not breaking.”
May huffed. “No. She’s just gonna be in college on the other side of the country.”
Buck grimaced. “That’s tough. Has she been doing the virtual thing this year?”
“Yeah. It...it sounds awful, but I was kinda grateful for the pandemic, because it meant I got an extra year here with her. But now people are vaccinated and campuses are opening up and she’s leaving this fall, and I’m worried she’s gonna leave me behind.”
Buck watched her with a thoughtful frown, and May ducked her head to stare at the bubbles in her fake mimosa. Rylie had been there for her after Leila’s toxicity and bullying had driven her to the worst moment of her life, and it was devastating to think about losing her and her support if she ruined it by admitting more than platonic feelings for her.
“Do you want my frank advice or sugar-coated advice?”
“Frank.”
“Tell her how you feel before she leaves.”
May resisted the urge to pout; Buck made it sound so easy. She opened her mouth to complain and ask why he hadn’t just told Eddie then, but Buck continued on before she could make a sound.
“If you’re worried about her leaving you behind anyway, then the worst possible outcome is that that happens anyway regardless of sharing your feelings with her. She—she might say words she can’t take back—” May sensed a story there, but didn’t interrupt to ask, “—she might let you down easy but feel awkward and start drifting, but if that’s what happens then you don’t need her in your life anyway,” Buck said earnestly, squeezing her hand lightly to drive the point home. The implication was obvious; even if she lost Rylie, she’d still have Buck and the rest of her family by her side.
“Best case scenario, she reciprocates your feelings and you get to work out the long-distance thing now that you’ve had copious amounts of Zoom practice.” May couldn’t withhold a snort and Buck grinned victoriously. “And then somewhere in between, you maintain your friendship with the knowledge that you were honest and tried but it’s just not possible, and you don’t have to torture yourself with what-if’s for the rest of your life.”
Buck still made the whole thing sound so easy, but at the same time it was nice to hear her options laid out like that.
“I kinda envy you, actually. If you ask and it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to see her every day for the rest of your life.”
“You’re being dramatic, at worst it’ll be until either of you retire.”
“I have two responses to that, one is inappropriate—”
“If the inappropriate one is that you think you’ll die before you retire, you can shut the fuck up.”
“Wow, language—”
May giggled, already feeling better even if she still hadn’t quite worked up the courage to plan how to confess her feelings to Rylie. She admittedly didn’t have much time—Rylie was planning on leaving in two weeks—but May felt marginally better about trying now.
“So all those ideas you just listed for me, what’s stopping you from telling Eddie?” May asked, abruptly turning the tables on Buck.
Buck’s face flushed red, but he didn’t try to withdraw and take his hand back, so May counted the win.
“He’s in a relationship, with someone he really likes and who Christopher likes,” Buck repeated quietly, defeat evident in his tone. “I can’t ruin that for them just because I fell in love with him.”
“Okay, but your feelings matter, too!” May insisted. “Walk through it the same way you did with me: worst case, he takes it terribly and tries to cut you out of his life, which would mean that you deserve better anyway—”
“And then will have to deal with him glaring at me for the rest of my career at the 118,” Buck interrupted petulantly.
May scoffed, not unkindly. “If he was actually that awful to you, Bobby would probably make him transfer.” Buck grimaced and May could read the thoughts running through his mind clear as day on his face. “That wouldn’t be your fault, Bobby would want to know if someone acted like a dick, regardless of what brought it on.”
Buck’s face was still settled in a morose frown that this time May couldn’t decipher, so instead she decided to move on to Buck’s other points. “Best case scenario, he reciprocates your feelings, dumps Ana now that he realizes you’re an option, and Christopher is ecstatic that he gets to call you his other dad. Like he doesn’t consider you that already,” May added slyly.
“You think so?” Buck asked shyly.
“Buck, you’ve been co-parenting that kid for years, everyone can see it. Literally everyone, even my graduation party date said something.”
Buck blinked, and May gave him a kind smile. “There is no world where Christopher Diaz would think anything negative about you being more involved in his life. Just saying. And finally,” May pressed on, giving Buck an opportunity to hide the new sheen to his eyes, “something in between. You confess and he doesn’t reciprocate, but he’s still your best friend and you continue to be a part of his life, just without the self-torture of hiding your feelings. It’ll hurt, but you’ll heal because you still have them.”
“And if I don’t have them?” Buck whispered, averting his gaze to his plate. “If the worst happens and I lose them both?”
“Then you still have me, and my mom and Bobby, and Dad and David, and Harry, and Maddie, and the whole 118. It’ll hurt, but we’ll be there for you.”
Buck swallowed thickly, and used his free hand to wipe down his face once. “When did you become so wise, huh?”
May shrugged, smirking a bit. “I kinda just repackaged your own advice, so I should be thanking you, not the other way around.”
Buck smiled bashfully, giving her a grin. May was under no delusion that he’d actually man up and tell Eddie any time soon, but hopefully she’d eased his fears as much as he’d eased hers. She was still nervous, but she thought she could actually manage to confess to Rylie now the next time they hung out. And whatever happened, she had people in her corner to support her. And she’d made sure that Buck knew that now, too.
“Can I have my hand back? I wanna make another crepe.”
Buck chuckled, releasing her hand and stepping towards the refrigerator. “I’m making another mimosa, you want any?”
“Yes. Maybe next time you could bring some champagne—?”
“No.”
“Worth a try.”