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“Remind me why you always have to accompany me home?”
“What, would you rather walk?”
Kaoru could only roll his eyes, biting back the faintest smile as he hip-checked the door shut behind Kojiro, who had stretched his arms over his head as he entered the household like he’d just finished a marathon.
After ‘S’, it had become a habit for the two friends to see each other off at night. Well, more like Kojiro made sure Kaoru got home in as good of a mood as possible (and with Kojiro, it never seemed to be a very good mood). It had started earlier on with Kojiro just parking in front of the house. Kaoru would grab his board, Kojiro would make some snarky remark, Kaoru would bite something back, and then he’d disappear into the house and that would be the end of the story.
It changed a little when Adam left. Kaoru was just a little extra moody and a lot quieter. On top of that, he was emotionally exhausted, so Kojiro wasn’t that surprised when he looked over after parking in front of the house to find his friend dozing off semi-comfortably in his seat. Now, as strong of an urge he had to flick the side of his face or throw a balled-up napkin at his head, Kojiro knew when to take a step back. In fact, he was quite caring naturally. He quietly got out of the car and circled around to the passenger’s side, opening the door to reveal Kaoru, unconscious and peaceful - a side of him Kojiro rarely saw anymore. His chest rose and fell gently, his hair falling from its ponytail and framing the sides of his face, and his eyelashes kissing his cheekbones. Kojiro barely noticed himself tucking a lock of pink back into place behind Kaoru’s hair until the other stirred at the contact.
The look Kaoru gave him was priceless - absolutely dopey and unfocused, squinting slightly at Kojiro, clearly a bit confused. Yes, he was awake, but for a moment, he still had that look of peace on his face. And Kojiro smiled.
Until Kaoru grimaced slightly, tipping his head just barely away from Kojiro’s still lingering hand. And it shouldn’t have - Kaoru never had been one for physical intimacy of any kind, especially not after Adam - but it stung. And his smile faded just a little.
“Welcome back, sleeping beauty,” he decided to chuckle. “You’re home.”
Kaoru only grumbled a little, turning slightly in his seat and squeezing his eyes shut, clearly not fully awake. So, laughing to himself, Kojiro helped him out of the car and got him up and to the door. He had planned on seeing him inside, but somehow the gesture was enough to wake Kaoru up just enough to shy himself away from his friend, muttering a small thank you before shutting him out.
Soon, it progressed. Kojiro had been regularly walking him to the door, getting that far before Kaoru would mumble something about Kojiro being an ape, as per usual, and then shutting the door in his face. But Kojiro never missed the subtle smile he wore, even if Kaoru would deny it every time.
Then Kojiro was off to Italy, studying abroad. And it was tense when it left. Kaoru kept a composed look on his face as Kojiro said a final goodbye before departing, but in reality, he didn’t take it well. His motivation dipped, at first, dissolving I to nothing. Then he eventually morphed into overworking himself - maybe as a way to make up for what he hadn’t done, maybe as a way to distract himself from the heartache of missing his best friend.
They kept in touch, calling almost every evening - whether it be an evening in Italy or Japan, it depended on who was busier during the day, who was willing to stay up late or get up early, who was willing to work while they were on the phone. And Kojiro was really good at reading him, which Kaoru sort of hated. But he sort of didn’t.
“How long have you been up now?” he queried one evening for him, his phone propped up as he finished heating up some leftovers he had. While it was only 6:30 pm for him, he knew it was already past midnight for the other, who was hunched over his desk while they spoke.
“Too long,” was all Kaoru chose to answer. Kojiro clearly wasn’t having that.
“Hey. You need rest. Put it down for now and go to bed.”
“But-“
“It will still be here in the morning,” Kojiro promised, and after seeing the look in Kaoru’s eyes, he added, “and so will I. C’mon, don’t work yourself to death before I can even get back.”
So there was their new routine. Until, of course, the day finally came for Kojiro to return. He never told Kaoru the exact date he was coming back, continuing to tell him he’d get his flight sorted out soon enough (which was not good enough for Kaoru’s nerves) when in reality, he’d had the date set for ages; he just wanted to surprise the other man.
Kaoru hated it. Mostly because he was caught so off guard that he didn’t know what to do at first, and also because he let his emotions get the better of him and he threw himself off the front porch to cling onto Kojiro and cry; a later conversation followed where he threatened him if a word of that vulnerability got out to anyone.
And naturally, they fell back into their old routine. It was hard to stay away from skating. While neither of them was as free to skate, and Kojiro was obviously absent from S for years, after a few weeks of casual skating every evening, they started to go back to the mountain frequently. This included every drive home, and every drive home included Kojiro walking Kaoru sleepily, comfortably to the door. It was as if nothing had changed.
After a while, he started to invite him inside. That started after some beef Kojiro had where he was extra exhausted and clearly out of it while driving. Right as he was turning to walk back to his car, Kaoru grabbed him by the wrist, practically dragging him inside as he chided him for not taking care of himself and demanding he at least drank water before driving home an absolute mess. And Kojiro smiled.
Then that became their regular routine. Kojiro parked, they went inside, they had a glass of wine, and Kojiro was gone in half an hour at most. The lead-up to where they were now was gradual. They kept that routine, but as they talked, and they clearly weren’t ready to end their conversations, Kaoru was ready to start his nightly routine. Skincare, changing, charging Carla, and so on. But Kojiro just wasn’t ready to leave yet. So, he’d just follow lazily behind Kaoru as he continued his night. First, he left after chatting while Kaoru cleaned up the kitchen. Then he left after leaning against the doorframe and bickering with Kaoru while he started his long-ass skincare routine. Then he left after sitting on Kaoru’s bed and calling to him from the other room while his friend changed into nightwear. That was as far as they’d get. As soon as he was changed, Kojiro always took his cue to leave, bidding goodnight to Kaoru and receiving a snide remark or some insult.
And every single time, Kojiro smiled. And hell, Kaoru smiled back.
That night, it was a little harder to smile. Adam’s return had taken a toll on them both, but more than anyone, Kaoru. While all three of them were close, Kaoru was the one who had fallen the hardest for Adam and all of his charms and flaws. Kaoru was the one so drawn to him it hurt to watch. Kaoru was the one who was willing to give anything up for him. And Kaoru was the one most heartbroken when Adam tossed everything aside.
The initial shock of his return was slowly fading, and it was turning into a mix of emotions that Kaoru could barely process. So he was quieter. He’d make small, snippy remarks to Kojiro, but they were scarce. He smiled, but it was forced and small. When he poured their glasses of wine, the conversation was mostly one-sided. Kojiro drowsily chatted, exhausted but set on distracting Kaoru. He could see it - the distress in his eyes, the tension in his shoulders. Any other day, Kojiro would bid a gentle goodnight and excuse himself early so he wouldn’t crash at the worst time. But he couldn’t leave Kaoru. Not now.
He followed Kaoru to his room, as usual. He leaned against the doorframe, making little quips about his exaggerated skincare routine, earning himself little scoffs, maybe the occasional “fuck off” or some other oh so clever line, as usual. He sat on the bed as Kaoru shut himself in the bathroom to change, as usual. But his eyes were so heavy and his mind was so tired, he needed a break. He barely registered falling back to lay on Kaoru’s bed, but as he hit the pillows, he promised himself he’d be out of the way before Kaoru exited the bathroom.
He was wrong.
Kaoru stepped out gently, shutting the bathroom light off behind him as he finished brushing his hair. He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight before him. Kojiro had dozed off on his bed, the t-shirt he changed into in the car bunching slightly around his waist, his fluffy hair springing from his tiny ponytail, and his face completely at peace. Kaoru scrunched his nose up slightly, pausing. Now, as strong of an urge he had to shake him awake or throw a pillow at his head, Kaoru knew when to take a step back. In fact, he was quite caring naturally. He found himself gliding to the bed, and after a pause of thought, he eased himself down next to his friend, lying on his side facing the other.
For such a brute, his features were so soft, especially when he was sleeping. The creases in his forehead were relaxed, and his mouth was parted just slightly as light breaths escaped his lips. Kaoru couldn’t help but absent-mindedly brush at his hair with his fingertips before huffing slightly. Because he couldn’t let himself fall again .
Still, he couldn’t bring himself to wake Kojiro just yet, so he opted for turning onto his other side, facing away from Kojiro. It was quiet, aside from Kojiro’s gentle breaths, but Kaoru couldn’t fall asleep. His chest ached and he hated it, and he felt cold despite the perfectly warm room, and his head was spinning with too many emotions, and he just couldn’t understand why Adam was back now , after everything they’d been through , and how hard they tried to contact him, and why is he acting as if nothing happened, and why is he being so fucking-
Warm. Kaoru felt warm and it took him a minute to register that the pair of arms around him were Kojiro’s, and the face pressed to the back of his neck was Kojiro’s, and the breath tickling his shoulder was Kojiro’s.
Kojiro had him.
And for some reason, that made him cry.
Physical touch was not something he enjoyed. He never had, and after Adam, it got worse. Being touched in any way made him feel gross. Sure, sometimes he’d grab someone’s arm, but if anyone did it in return, they wouldn’t get to for long. He shied away from gentle gestures and he fought back at any bump or brush. But for some reason, being held - so much physical contact, a whole other body pressed into his back, arms securing him in place, leaving half his body in contact with someone else - was comforting. Like it’s what he needed. He needed someone to make him feel safe. He realized, as tears welled up in his eyes and rolled down the bridge of his nose, that Kojiro made him feel safe.
It seemed like ages, but in reality, it was only a little under an hour before Kojiro stirred. Kaoru laid completely still, listened as Kojiro woke, and muttered a small curse under his breath. He should have just let him go, but as soon as he felt Kojiro’s arms start to slide out from under him, his mind went blank. He was running on autopilot.
Not again. I don’t want to be left alone again. I don’t want to be abandoned. I want to feel safe.
He latched onto Kojiro’s wrist with a tense, shaking grip. And time froze.
Kojiro has never seen Kaoru so vulnerable. Not even when Adam left. Kaoru had held it barely together when they would skate, just the two of them for the first time in ages. He saw the tension and he saw Kaoru fighting back tears, but the other never allowed himself to be vulnerable, not in front of Kojiro.
Now? He was curled in on himself, his hair falling in his face, facing away from Kojiro as he clung to his wrist so tight Kojiro was sure it would be at least a little red. He was silent, but his shoulders trembled so slightly it was barely noticeable. But Kojiro noticed. He noticed everything. He noticed the light dulling from Kaoru’s eyes that night. He noticed he didn’t care enough to defend himself at any of Kojiro’s comments. He noticed his head sat just a little lower, a little less proud than he usually was. He noticed how absolutely broken Kaoru was.
“Kaoru…” he began gently, and his heart absolutely shattered when he was met with a small sniffle. And finally…
“Just… a little longer.”
He didn’t move, holding his breath as he stared, in shock.
“...Please.”
And how could Kojiro say no?
Obediently, he climbed back into bed, this time tucking himself and Kaoru under the covers - he expected maybe even a small, wordless protest, but he got absolutely nothing - and he pulled the other back against his chest, folding his arms around Kaoru and tracing his thumb gently over the back of the other’s slender hand.
It was quiet. It was peaceful. It was safe.
Somehow in the night, they’d shifted until they were facing each other. Kojiro woke early, the cracks of morning sun peeking through and illuminating the face of the man on his chest. And he couldn’t help but smile. A warm feeling flooding his chest, and his heartbeat picking up just slightly with pure joy before it settled; he was calm and at peace.
Kaoru’s lips twitched slightly. He felt every pitter patter of Kojiro’s heart against his cheek. He’d been awake only a few moments longer than the other, but he decided he wanted to savor the moment. If you asked him the next day if he’d enjoyed this, if he’d liked falling asleep in someone’s arms, in Kojiro’s arms, he would scoff and ask where you’d gotten such a foolish idea . But it wasn’t the next day.
So he needed to savor this moment.
As far as Kojiro was aware, Kaoru was asleep. He had such a peaceful look on his face, his breathing was so even, and he looked safe. It was a look he had never seen him consciously wear before; he had too many walls up to let anyone see him this vulnerable. He would never let Kojiro see him like this when he was awake, right?
So he needed to savor this moment.
Kojiro gently shifted his hand, placing it gently on the side of Kaoru’s face, his thumb tracing an arch back and forth along his cheek. He could faintly feel warm breaths hit the heel of his hand, and his heart fluttered.
“Oh, Kaoru,” he mused out loud to himself, “how the hell did I fall so hard for you?”
And he brushed the hair gently from his face, because he knew Kaoru wouldn’t let him do this any other time.