Work Text:
They didn’t speak about it. Not for a long time.
That night was the last time Kojiro got to see Kaoru so openly vulnerable for a while. The morning had progressed semi-awkwardly. Kaoru finally woke up (well, pretended to wake up) after letting Kojiro pet his hair and admire him for a while, murmuring stupid little things to himself. The touch was… nice. It was so odd to allow himself to be so relaxed while so physically close to someone. It almost felt wrong, but that was overpowered by how it felt right.
He supposed it was kind of shocking that, despite years of friendship, they had hardly shared a bed. Sure, as children they’d squish into cozy blanket forts and fall asleep on top of each other; as teenagers, they’d crash on the couch in the middle of some shitty horror film, Kaoru’s head falling comfortably onto Kojiro’s shoulder: as adults, one of them would doze off at the table at ungodly hours of the night leaving the other to clean up their plate, but that was it.
It never got to this extent, with Kojiro gingerly running his fingers through Kaoru’s outgrown bangs, pushing them back behind his ear, then watching as they fell back to the side of his face again after being tossled with, and repeat. And Kaoru decided, yeah , he liked this. He could stay here forever.
But then Kojiro’s hand drifted gently to the side of his face, cupping his jaw, his thumb resting on Kaoru’s chin.
“Kaoru, I…”
And a pit dropped in Kaoru’s stomach as he decided forever had to end now. Don’t say it. I want to be awake to hear it. I don’t want to hear it at all. I don’t want to fall again. I don’t want to miss this. I don’t want to break again. Don’t say it.
So Kaoru opened his eyes, and he could feel his heart drop at Kojiro’s expression. Or, rather, the change in his expression. He’d had such a loving look in his eyes for a split second, but as soon as he noticed his friend looking up at him, his mouth shut awkwardly and his eyes shifted, widening before softly falling downwards. His hand drew back, curling in towards his chest. Every shift was so subtle, not some over-dramatic movie expression. But they had an over-dramatic effect on Kaoru’s heart.
“Morning,” Kojiro greeted after a beat, his voice still groggy from the morning. He kept his composure, despite the subtle twinge of embarrassment and disappointment in his eyes.
“Hi,” Kaoru only managed to whisper. Despite being awake for as long as Kojiro, his eyes were still foggy and heavy. Probably from having them closed and unable to adjust to the light, as well as the fact that he didn’t have his glasses on.
Kojiro let out a soft snort at the response, and the two lingered for a moment before Kojiro gently started to sit up and Kaoru took that as his cue to roll off his chest facing the opposite direction as he rubbed his eyes.
“Breakfast?”
“Mm.”
“Very helpful, thank you. What d’ya want, princess?”
Kaoru visibly rolled his eyes, flopping dramatically back, face-first into the duvet and letting it envelop him. Hopefully, it would hide his blush.
“Surprise me,” he finally mumbled into the pillows as he realized Kojiro was just standing next to the bed, waiting for a response.
So, Kojiro made eggs and toast, an easy breakfast. And they continued their day, their life. They did not speak about that night, as much as Kojiro wanted to. It ate at him, every time he looked at Kaoru and just wished he’d let his walls down again. But after that night, they just went back up, bigger and stronger than ever. Kojiro even tried to see if, maybe, he’d gotten through. Maybe if it was just the two of them. Kaoru would hang out after hours at Sia la luce and Kojiro would walk by while he was setting up. He tried just gently placing a hand on Kaoru’s shoulder while the other ate with one hand and tapped away on his phone with the other, but Kaoru just tensed up and shrugged his shoulder off quickly, muttering for him to get off, you dopey gorilla . So it was still tense.
But their routine stayed the same for the most part. Even on their off-nights. When it wasn’t a night at S, it was usually because Kojiro was closing at Sia la luce . And ninety percent of the time, Kaoru would waltz in after-hours and hang around while Kojiro closed up. He’d pour Kaoru a glass of wine (even if he protested and bickered about how he couldn’t keep giving away free stuff, bring some next time ) and put on soft music in the background. Once it was all set, he went up to his apartment and Kaoru made his way home. Really, they were inseparable.
Their banter always varied between nights, too. And every night, Kojiro debated, played ideas in his head, on how to bring up that night, how to work it into the conversation. The saddest part to him was Kaoru acting as if it had never happened, as if he wasn’t ever hurt by Adam’s return. He’d only caught occasional waves of the vulnerability before Kaoru found himself cornered and yanked his walls back up with all his might, but at that point, it was as if they were being held together with scotch tape.
“I had a feeling I’d find you out here.”
Kaoru, leaning against the railing, looked at Joe, his face completely void of expression, minus an unreadable glint in his eyes. And Kojiro could see how close he was to absolutely breaking. But he would not allow himself to do that, even if it was so painfully obvious how many thoughts were circling in his head.
“What do you think? Gonna enter the tournament?”
“Foolish question.” This was the chance for closure he wanted, he needed . This was the most contact they’d had in years, and dammit, Kaoru would fight to finally skate against Adam. He took a short breath before looking back to Kojiro and his stupid bike. “What about you?”
“I can’t wait,” Kojiro smirked. “I’m looking forward to crushing him.”
Kojiro kept him company when he needed to think, letting him stare off silently while he walked around, pointing out little details of their past and recounting fond memories. He’d glance over his shoulder, looking for even the slightest bit of a reaction, but Kaoru could barely ever bring himself to look at Kojiro.
“Do you realize how many times we’ve challenged Adam to race since he’s returned to Japan?”
The question made Kojiro stand from the marks he had been crouched over, turning at the sound of Kaoru’s voice finally breaking through the silence.
“Yeah… and he never gets back to us,” Kojiro muttered bitterly, his restless hands making their way into his pockets. Kaoru sniffed slightly and looked down at his shoes.
“Do you think there’s a reason for it?” Kaoru’s voice was low, barely above a whisper. He sounded way too composed compared to the dam in his heart that was about to burst. Kojiro’s eyes softened and he jumped to ease his troubles.
“Honestly? I think he’s terrified of having his ass handed to him.” His grin was warm as he looked at Kaoru, hoping that helped to settle his nerves, even the tiniest bit. He just wanted even a slight smile, some comforting look, or even an amused chuckle, anything to know Kojiro got through to him a little.
Kaoru’s gaze didn’t shift. A breeze hit his back gently as he continued to stare at the concrete.
“Yeah,” he finally murmured. Just to agree, even though in reality…
“I’m not so sure that’s it.”
-
It hurts.
His ears were ringing loudly. His vision was dark and fuzzy. His head was pounding. His back stung from where he hit the ground and slid, tearing at the skin. His arm felt like it popped in the worst way. But his heart.
It hurts so bad.
He could hear muffled shouts and gasps, then silence for a moment. All he could see was Adam, standing over him, a shadow blocking the lights that felt blinding.
Boring.
Kaoru quickly let his eyes slip shut. It was too bright. He didn’t want to see anymore. He didn’t want to look at him.
It hurts.
There was more shouting, a loud rumble of an engine. He twitched when he felt hands slip underneath his legs and shoulders, a muffled voice biting back at the people around him. Out of my way! Move! C’mon, we don’t have time for this!
And then it all faded out.
When Kaoru finally woke up, it was dark. The only thing illuminating the hospital room was the moonlight seeping through the window and hitting the back of Kojiro’s hair, visible as the man had his forehead resting on the edge of the hospital bed, lined right next to Kaoru’s shoulder.
He sat in silence, not making any indication he was awake. He’d been here before, hadn’t he? Feigning sleep instead of letting Kojiro see him so vulnerable… It was kind of pathetic. He became too aware of his breathing, how each inhale felt heavy and strained. He could feel pieces of hair falling onto his face, tickling his cheeks and nose but, shit , his shoulders hurt too much to even lift a hand to move them. It hurt. Everything about it hurt . Not only his body, but his heart; it ached.
To think, years ago he loved Adam. God, it sucked to admit, but he’d fallen so hard and he loved him. He loved how intense he was with everything, until it was too intense. He built up so many intense emotions and ripped himself away in the blink of an eye. He had Kaoru in a corner, their lips just shy of touching, like it was a promise of later .
Later never came.
Yet over the years, Kaoru was still waiting for later .
He supposed this was the later he was looking for. Or at least, he thought it would be. Finally skating against him, winning, earning him a victory, some form of closure, and then it would end there. His feelings had long since burned out, but in the back of his mind, there was this sick desire for one last kiss.
The kiss he got was not what he was looking for.
Why? What did he do? Why did Adam get to just leave? Why did he get to take Kaoru’s heart and run away, only to come back and throw it to the ground, spit on it, stomp the light out of it? Why did he have to be so violent? Why was all that he knew hurt ? Why, why, why? Why couldn’t Kaoru just hate him?
Kaoru couldn’t stop it anymore. His breath hitched sharply before his throat closed up, begging to hold back all of the emotions that sped from his stomach and got caught right before his teeth. He didn’t want to break. But the smallest sound alerted Kojiro’s whose head was up in an instant. Kaoru had his eyes squeezed shut now, his jaw clenched and his knuckles white from how hard his fist was closed.
“Kaoru…”
He lost it.
Kojiro barely knew what to do when Kaoru lifted his arm - which still ached, but he could care less - slapping a hand over his mouth as he sobbed into it. It hurt, he was crying so hard that his whole body tensed, which was not helping the immense amount of pain he was already in. Tears were soaking his skin as he shook, taking in rasping breaths, and as Kojiro gently placed a hand on his forearm, he finally managed a few words.
“I loved him.”
It hurts.
-
“This song is awful.”
“Hey, I pick the music, I’m the one closing up.”
“Hm.”
It had been a few months. Thanks to Langa and Reki, Adam surely got knocked down a few pegs. And life had returned to semi-normality. They were back to their regularly scheduled routine of Kaoru stealing wine while Kojiro tidied up his restaurant for the evening. Kaoru would make little quips that would make Kojiro chuckle. Kojiro would steal a sip of his wine when he wasn’t paying attention. It was nice.
Now, though, it was Kojiro’s turn to hold everything in, but in a bit of a different way than Kaoru had.
After the hospital, having broken down so openly in front of Kojiro, Kaoru’s walls were slowly coming down. He wasn’t as aggressively against physical contact, at least in private. He wasn’t as afraid to have off-days around Kojiro, either. There was a new level of trust they regained, and it warmed Kojiro’s heart. But damn , he fell a little harder every day.
Kaoru had a question of his own lingering on his mind. Ever since that first night. But after Adam, as comfortable as he’d become with Kojiro in every sense, Kaoru had closed himself off romantically. Sure, he’d been falling in love with the other man for years, but it’s hard to allow himself to open up like that again when the first man he’d fallen for played with his heart and then absolutely mutilated him.
They had fallen into a comfortable silence that night, Kaoru tapping away at his phone as he responded to emails and such, Kojiro humming as he swept the floor.
‘ Smile, though your heart is aching… ’
Isn’t that ironic? The words floated gently through the restaurant - it would have been barely audible if the building hadn’t been dead quiet aside from the scrapes of chairs or Kaoru’s glass click ing against the counter every time he set it down. A melancholy smile twitched at Kaoru’s lips as he listened, the lyrics all too emotionally familiar. He didn’t want to be in that state.
Kojiro was in that state. He hated that he loved so deeply for someone who was not emotionally ready to love again. He barely registered that his movements were slowing as his eyes landed on Kaoru, the fondest smile on his face as he watched the man sip at his wine, the glass nearly empty as he closed off an email, sighing and allowing his shoulders to relax, indicating he was done for the night. His hair slid off his shoulder slightly and down his back, and Kojiro just wanted to go over and fix it for him.
Instead, as the opening piano notes of the next song picked up, the cheesiest, stupidest idea clicked in his head. One that he was almost certain would just earn him a swift kick to the ankles but…
“Dance with me.”
Kaoru looked up, quirking an eyebrow at Kojiro, who stood by his chair with one hand extended.
“Excuse me?”
“C’mon, one dance isn’t gonna kill you,” he said with a warm smile. His legs tensed slightly and his breath caught in his throat as he waited for contact with his shins and some snide remark.
“Fine.”
Kojiro couldn’t help the look of shock on his face as Kaoru took his hand, standing with a smile .
God, Kojiro was so in love.
‘ I love you… for sentimental reasons… ’
Kojiro gently held Kaoru by the waist with one hand, using his other hand to cradle Kaoru’s smaller hand. With how close they were, Kaoru had to tip his head back slightly to look at Kojiro.
“This is so stupid,” he laughed softly, no bite or malice behind his words.
“D’aww, you love it,” Kojiro quipped back, and Kaoru tipped his head down with a little tch to hide the wide grin on his face. It wasn’t a no. Kojiro hoped Kaoru didn’t feel his heart skip with how close they were.
“What even prompted this?” Kaoru finally spoke again, looking up at Kojiro, his face much more composed than it was a moment ago. Kojiro shrugged a little.
“You looked lonely.”
Kaoru hummed through a smile. And then they fell into silence for a little bit, just swaying in the dimly lit restaurant, Nat King Cole’s voice floating through the air and hearts silently swelling, threatening to burst. There was something so domestic about this. If anyone walked in at that moment, they’d assume the pair had been happily married for years based on their body language and the way they looked at each other alone. And hell, sometimes it almost felt that way. Who cares if Kaoru doesn’t love me the same way I love him? Joe thought. This is practically an unofficial marriage as is. I don’t even have to think about-
“That night…”
Kojiro perked his head up. Never in a million years had he imagined this. His head had been swarmed every night with the debate of how to bring it up, what even to say, how to say it without making Kaoru upset or offended, and so on. But never did he think Kaoru would be the one to bring it up. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat before responding.
“What night?” Kaoru scoffed at that.
“Don’t do that, moron, you know what I’m talking about.” Kojiro went to protest, but Kaoru cut him off. “You looked up way too quickly, you’re not slick, stupid oaf.”
Kojiro puffed his cheeks out slightly, his thumb tapping against Kaoru’s knuckle as he tried to hide the embarrassed little smile poking out, but he couldn’t help it when the shorter man wore a fond smirk.
“Okay… so what about it?”
“What were you going to say?”
A pause.
“What?”
Kaoru promptly looked down at their feet for a moment as he sighed. Kojiro didn’t need to see his face to tell he was blushing - partially because his ears were pink, but he just knew Kaoru.
“I was awake. That morning, I mean.”
Oh.
Oh.
“So, I heard you. Talking.”
Shit.
“You said ‘I…’”
Shit shit shit.
“You…?”
Kojiro felt like time was standing still as Kaoru finally looked up again, meeting his gaze. This was the third time Kojiro had ever seen him so vulnerable. Though it wasn’t so similar to the first two times. It wasn’t a desperate cling, silently begging to no longer be alone. It wasn’t a cry of agony, releasing and confessing all of the hurt he’d been bottling up. It wasn’t a weak vulnerability where he looked broken. It was him opening up, laying everything on the table. His eyes were full of trust, full of hope, full of-
“Love…”
Kaoru blinked, his eyes widening only slightly. Not out of shock. He knew; it was so obvious he knew. Especially if he’d heard everything Kojiro said before that. He knew the whole time, and he didn’t do a single thing. Kojiro wasn’t mad about that - with everything he’d gone through, he didn’t blame him at all. It wasn’t easy to learn to love again after Adam; after someone had come along, dragged Kaoru around, dumped all this false love on him, and then broke him. No, Kojiro was grateful that Kaoru spared him his dignity; that, despite being slightly tenser and more closed off, he didn’t make Kojiro feel bad, he didn’t hold it over his head, he didn’t lead him on, he didn’t shut him out entirely, and he didn’t rush in blindly. He waited.
And Kaoru’s expression wasn’t out of shock of finding out. He just finally got to hear it. Almost the way he wanted to.
“Kojiro,” he urged gently, a plea without saying a single thing. He just wanted to hear him say it. Gingerly, the hand he had resting just below Kojiro’s shoulder slid up, cupping his jaw with a feather-light touch, and his eyes looked so big as he waited, patiently. He’d waited this long already, he could wait a little longer. He just wanted to hear it. True and genuine.
Kojiro turned his face until he was leaning into Kaoru’s palm, his lips planting a gentle kiss against his skin. The words he’d been waiting to hear buzzed against his hand, and his heart beat so loudly in his ears that they could barely hear the final words of the song as Kojiro softly, finally , closed the space between them, two stupid, nervous grins melting together.
‘I’ve given you my heart.’