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Loki did not remember the last time he went to his father’s office. As a boy, he would rush past the door and jump into Odin All-Father’s lap. His father would ruffle his hair as he pointed out what all the documents stacked on the desk were. He didn’t care that his father spent the time examining trade agreements and tax documents. All that mattered was his father’s arms wrapped around him. But that was ages ago. Back when Loki was still Loki, the second prince. Not Loki, Odin’s disgrace, the weak Silvertongue trapped in the darkness of his brother’s shadow.
His brother. Perfect, golden Thor. How many times had Thor been to this office? Had Odin gone over those old papers with Thor? Did his brother, whose life was consumed with battle, understand all the treaties and bargains their father had made? Did he even know the endless work that a king’s life contained? Or did he assume that the universe would simply hand him a time of peace and prosperity?
He snorted. Considering how Thor’s life had gone so far, it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption.
Still, he couldn’t bring himself to knock. Odin All-Father had hung from the World Tree for nine days. He’d defeated Surtur, destined to bring about Ragnarok, and crushed the beasts of Jotunheim. Countless worlds had fallen to his father. Who was Loki to defy his will? To assume his father would ever make an error?
Yet he could not forget Thor’s bloodlust on the battlefield, his hatred of books and learning.How he did not seem concerned with all the negotiations with the other Realms he would soon have to take over. Thor didn’t deserve the throne. Asgard didn’t deserve that fool as its king. But his father didn’t see that. No, his father was too blinded by Thor’s light to see the rot underneath.
He gathered up his courage and pushed the door open, not bothering to knock. Odin All-Father glanced up from the papers scattered on the desk. “What do you require, Loki?”
Loki bowed, then inched forward. There was no other chair. When you came to speak to the All-Father, you did it standing. “All-Father. I-” he inhaled, keeping his voice steady. “I wish to speak with you.”
Odin raised an eyebrow. Huginn and Muninn flew in through the office window and rested on his father’s shoulder. Loki tried to ignore the black, beady eyes of the ravens staring at him.
“You may speak, my son.”
“I have…..concerns.”
“Concerns?” Odin put the papers down. “Loki Odinson has concerns? I cannot say I would have predicted that.”
Loki bit his tongue. He knew his father despised him, but the reminder still stung. “It’s about the coronation. I fear it is too early.”
Huginn squawked. Muninn tilted his head.
Odin rose from the desk. His eye glowed faintly with the power Loki knew was underneath. “You want the coronation delayed.”
He swallowed. This was for Asgard, he told himself. All so that his kingdom would not suffer from his brother’s idiocy. So that families would not starve after Thor forgets to renew a trade deal, or children don’t mourn their dead fathers killed in wars his brother starts on a whim. “Thor isn’t ready.”
“You doubt my judgement.” Odin’s voice was calm and steady. The ravens flew around Loki, whispering Loki, Loki, Loki . “You think I would endanger my Realm with an unprepared king.”
“No.” Loki straightened his posture. “I think you’re misguided.”
Odin laughed bitterly. “Loki, I have tolerated this behavior from you for too long. You wish to sow doubt in the kingdom about your brother’s ability to be king. Do you want our enemies to see us as weak? Or for our citizens to panic? For your brother to be denied a good advisor? Your jealousy has overtaken your good sense.”
Loki clenched his fists. “Good sense?” he spat. “Do you not see Thor? He rushes into everything with no thought, no plan! He thinks everything can be solved by swinging his hammer! Father, you must see-”
“Oh, I see perfectly.” Odin walked forward, emanating the same power that had destroyed civilizations. “Do you know why I did not proclaim you as my successor?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think you do.” The ravens flew behind him, blocking the door. “Say it, then.”
He closed his eyes. How long ago had it been since he’d felt safe near his father? When Odin’s presence brought comfort instead of a twisting feeling in his stomach?
“Because I am not worthy of it,” he said. “Because I am an ergi, because sometimes I am a woman, because I practice magic, because I am not a warrior like Thor, because I bring dishonor to your name-”
His words stopped when Odin slapped him across the cheek. Loki stumbled. Not from the force of the blow- it was a weak hit- but from the fact that it had been given at all.
Loki , Huginn murmured, silly Loki.
Loki not know , Muginn agreed. Loki so smart, yet Loki knows so little.
“You foolish child.” Odin grabbed his arm and yanked him upright. “You assume everything and know nothing. Tell me, child, if I disapprove of your partners or your female form, why have I not said anything?”
“Father-”
“And now I disapprove of your use of magic, when my own wife and queen taught you it for centuries? When I, Odin All-Father, am gifted with the most powerful magic in the universe?”
“You have not heard the whispers,” Loki spat. “What the people say of me. What even Thor says of me. That I am a schemer instead of a fighter. A coward who fights behind tricks instead of strength. That all I am, and all I will ever be, is a liar who cannot be trusted.”
Odin stared at him for several moments. Then, “You are my son. Why should you care what others think of you?”
You are my son . He was Loki Odinson, the All-Father’s secondborn, heir to a bloodline of kings with the power to alter the universe. Yet all he had was his magic, taught to him by Frigga. He could not bend storms like Thor, and didn’t possess a fraction of his brother’s strength. Loki Odinson would never be able to slay the Frost Giants or quell Surtur. And in that moment, he found himself hating his brother, for Thor had taken all of Odin’s glory and left nothing for Loki.
“Am I?”
It was meant as a snide comment. A cruel remark. Odin should have rolled his one remaining eye and continued reprimanding him. The ravens should have whispered silly Loki, foolish Loki, still-just-a-boy Loki. His father should not have gasped, should not have rushed at him and grabbed his shoulders and shook him.
“What did you mean by that?” Odin shook him again, his eye glowing. “Loki, what do you know?”
He freed himself from his father’s grip. The ravens swirled around, whispering No no no no, not Loki not Loki.
“I-” he stumbled backward, grasping the door handle. “Oh, Norns,” he whispered. “I’m not your son, am I?”
“Loki,” Odin said, “what do you know?”
He ran out of the room, ignoring his not-Father’s shouts and the cries of the ravens.
Loki loved looking down at Asgard. He loved staring at the gleaming golden buildings, the water underneath the gorgeous Rainbow Bridge, and the trees and gardens that decorated the city, stretching out to the vast forests surrounding the Realm. But staring down at the Realm, the Realm he thought he was the prince of, all he could think of was the rot that must lay underneath.
He wasn’t Odin’s son. His father’s- no, not his father’s- reaction told him as much. But how could he not be an Odinson? Why would Odin tolerate someone else’s spawn taking his name, especially one who turned out to be such a disappointment?
He stopped. He was not Odin’s son, but Frigga’s. Odin could never admit to his own queen dishonoring him, so he’d had to tolerate her bastard. No wonder he could never earn Odin’s approval. No wonder he never inherited the All-Father’s power. No, Loki was simply a mistake. A sign of a queen’s straying eyes.
His heart pounded as he slumped down on the floor. He’d raced back to his bedroom. He’d even grabbed the bag he’d taken on hunting trips with Thor and mindlessly shoved his favorite books and some clothes in it. He could open a gateway to Alfheim, or Vanaheim. Maybe go to Jotunheim and let himself get eaten by the beasts over there. But that could not work. No, he would not bring more shame on the House of Odin. He would not disgrace the man he called Father by running away.
Why had Odin let Loki call him that for centuries? Could it have been a bargain made with Frigga? Still, that did not explain why he let the insult continue. It would not have been difficult for the All-Father to arrange an “accident” for his so-called secondborn. Or maybe pretending to mourn his wife’s bastard would have been too much.
The door burst open, the magic defenses to his room failing as soon as they were tested. Odin All-Father rushed in, haggard and disheveled, followed by the ravens. His father- not his father- took in Loki first, then noticing the bag resting on the bed. “Loki,” his father gasped, “what- were you-”
“I have no plans, All-Father.” Loki bowed. “I now understand how difficult my presence must be.”
Odin’s eye narrowed. “What do you know?”
Loki laughed. “You know, it all makes sense now.” He stood up. “Why you favored Thor for all these years. Why you still wish to crown him. After all, you could never have your queen’s bastard on the throne of Asgard!”
The king’s face spasmed. “Loki, you are not a bastard. You are adopted .”
“Adopted?” The word awkwardly escaped his mouth. “I- that cannot be-”
“Why not? Do you see me as so cruel-hearted as to not be capable of adopting a
child?”
“No.” Loki shook his head. He cannot be adopted . “No, the queen is-”
“Your mother.” Odin walked forward, the ravens on his shoulders. “And I am your father. Thor is your brother.” The All-Father smiled faintly. “That is how adoption works, my son. Your blood matters not. I raised you. I held you in my arms whenever I did my paperwork. When you came of age, I gifted you your daggers. Explain to me how I am not your father.”
His mind swirled with questions. “But why not tell me? There is no shame in adopting a child? And-” he did not want to ask this question, but knew he needed the answer. “How did you even find me? I assume I was not picked up at an orphanage.”
Odin sighed. “After the war on Jotunheim ended, I returned home to Asgard. I had already seen too many children dead- yes, even Jotun children. You are not yet a father, Loki, so you will not understand the pain I felt when I stumbled across an abandoned infant.”
The All-Father cradled his cheek. “He was weak, yet still cried to save his own life. When I lifted him in my arms, he gave me the widest smile. As I fed him, he bit my fingers. And that night, he did not sob once when I held him. I knew then that boy was my son.”
“But why not tell me-”
Odin raised a hand. “Heimdall later confirmed that the baby’s parents had abandoned him. That they were selfish, evil creatures willing to kill their children for not meeting their standards. How could I have burdened you with that knowledge, Loki? I did not want you to grow up as an abandoned child. I did not want your self-worth to be defined by the ignorance and cruelty of the people who threw you away.”
Tears watered in his eyes. Huginn and Muninn flew onto Loki’s shoulders and nuzzled against his cheeks.
Loki, Loki, Loki , Huginn said. Odinson, Odinson, Odinson.
“You still could have told me.” But the anger and confusion he’d felt faded, leaving him soaking in the warmth of the All-Father’s gaze. “I- I would have known my place.”
Shame rushed through him as he remembered the countless times he dreamed of the throne. Of ruling Asgard as its king. But he was no true Odinson. He was no more special than any person he walked past on the street.
Loki not know , Muninn chuckled. Still, he does not know .
“This is why I did not give you the throne, Loki,” Odin rubbed his temples. “Your place is in my family. You are just as much my son as Thor, and should something horrible befall him before he has children, the throne would be yours. But you are not confident in yourself. You take your insecurities and assume them as fact, and lash out at those you think despise you. That is not a trait a king should possess.”
“But Thor-”
“I know Thor is arrogant, boy. That is why I am making him king now, so I am still here to guide him.”
Loki looked down at the floor. He felt like a boy again, put in place by his father after causing trouble. Still, his guilt and shame was twisted together with the joy of Odin looking at him with warmth and love.
“So I’m adopted,” he whispered. “That’s it?”
His father smiled. “That’s it.”