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Atsushi excuses himself from the party celebrating a recent victory, and Dazai is sure it’s at least the fifth time he sees such pain and guilt in the boy’s eyes during the last week. To Dazai, it doesn’t look like something terrible has happened – on the contrary, Atsushi has been getting more and more skilled in combat and deductions, being of great help to the Agency both on the battlefield and in the office. If somebody asked him, Dazai would even say that the success of their whole last operation was mostly due to Atsushi’s talents. However, the boy looks miserable now, as if he’s being tortured from the inside.
It was much better just a few weeks ago, Dazai ponders while slipping through the office door quietly. When he was welcomed at the Agency by Fukuzawa himself, Atsushi looked like he has never felt so happy (which might be true for the boy, though). After Kunikida’s first approving nod, Atsushi was so excited he (unsuccessfully) tried to hug him in return. Yes, each time Atsushi was praised, he blushed and got so awkward – rather funny to watch, Dazai smiles internally, – he could mumble something about it not being such a big deal, but something must have happened a few days ago, something serious enough to still be affec…
“Atsushi-kun!” he calls out light-heartedly as he gets within shouting distance. The boy turns around in question but doesn’t startle, probably having heard him a while ago. The tiger has been integrated with the boy well enough, Dazai realizes with satisfaction. “Going to bed so early?”
Atsushi frowns and opens his mouth, but Dazai isn’t here to listen to his made-up excuses.
“I’ve heard it’s better to let cats come and go as they please,” he pretends to muse over it but then continues in a more sincere voice. “I won’t make you go back and celebrate, Atsushi. You’ve deserved some rest, some time for yourself, if that’s what you want. However, I need to show you something first.”
He walks on casually past Atsushi, making his way to his dorm and knowing the boy will follow. At the same time, his mind keeps wondering. Is this the first time Atsushi doesn’t try and guess his intentions?
He leaves the door open behind himself, omitting the time-consuming welcoming rubbish and making the beeline to the end table. Dazai’s dorm is on the same floor as Atsushi’s, but the boy has never been here, so, judging by the silence behind Dazai’s back, he is taking his time observing the dark interior and the (pleasant or ‘unfriendly’, depending on your taste) lack of furniture.
“It’s… nice in here,” Atsushi provides reluctantly after some time, sounding confused (he also sounds like his heart has settled for ‘unfriendly’ after all).“I didn’t know you were into, uh, such a… style?”
“Here,” Dazai turns back to Atsushi, saving him from his civility-induced misery, and chucks the present into the boy’s hands. Looking up from where he is seated at the edge of the couch, Atsushi catches Dazai’s unwrapped gift instinctively and observes the black-and-white plush tiger that has landed on his lap. The boy’s eyes become just as big as those of the toy with some emotion that Dazai cannot yet perceive.
“I wanted you to know that your new family is glad they have you. To be able to feel it.” Dazai shrugs in explanation, not letting his strain seep into his voice.
A few seconds pass in silence, Atsushi staring at the toy. Is it going to work? Will he tell him the reason behind his attitude?
Then Dazai hears a sob.
Huh?
“Atsushi-kun?” Dazai calls, lifting a brow. This is by no means what he expected. “I swear, no animals were hurt or killed in the production of this toy! The toy that is, if you ask me, way too cute, which is definitely objective, but I surely hoped would be appreciated a bit more,” he tries.
Atsushi doesn't answer to the joke, save for a series of sobs.
“Seriously, what's wrong?” Dazai asks, worry creeping over him. “I would never think that it'd make you react like that, but... I apologize, I guess. I didn't want this to happen. Do you, uh, do you want me to take the toy ba..”
But Atsushi already speaks over him, in a hurry to prove something.
“It's nothing, Dazai-san, it's just a silly thought... I mean... I've only had a stupid nightmare. It's nothing, I promise,” he shifts a bit, suppressing a sob. Well, that is something.
Dazai frowns, determined to get to the bottom of it.
“Atsushi. Atsushi, look at me. Hey, can you hear me?”
Clutching a hand to his chest, the boy reluctantly raises his head, his filled with tears eyes meeting Dazai's.
‘Yeah, like that. Now listen to me,” Dazai has no idea how to deal with situations like this, where a little scared orphan who was kind of adopted by their office sits on a couch in his room, crying over a little stuffed toy, but Dazai is really, really good at improvisation.
At lest, he hopes so.
“Atsushi-kun, listen,” he repeats. “Nightmares will come and go. They will never leave you forever, you will see horrible things,” this is where he sees Atsushi's lips start trembling, “But you can live with that. I promise. I, of all people, can guarantee that you can live with it.”
However confidently he speaks, Dazai is confused. He never planned to say this much, he almost starts to feel bad for - making a gift? for Christ's sake! - and he also doesn't understand why the hell he's trying to comfort a person who's possibly the strongest ability user in all of ADA... But here he is, asking Atsushi over and over to talk about it.
After a few minutes of persuading, the tiger boy finally gives up.
“If you're sure I'll feel better... But I really shouldn't be bothering you like this.”
“Talk,” Dazai supplies.
“Please promise you won't tell anybody...”
Talk,” Dazai repeats.
“Because if... “
“Talk.”
“Okay,” Atsushi sighs deeply. After a second, he's ready to start.
“It was... I saw myself... I mean, it wasn't me, it was the tiger, I was in his form, but... well, yes, I felt what he felt, and I saw with his eyes. The tiger was in the Agency, and everything around him was covered in blood. Blood on the desks, its smell in the air, puddles of gore on the floor... The tiger was padding quietly, and there were bodies.” Atsushi whispers the last word. “Some lacked a limb, some were headless... and one was just... “ he shudders, the toy falling from his knees. He doesn’t pick it up.
“Who were those people?” Dazai inquires quietly. “Strangers, or...?”
Atsushi shakes his head. “It was Yosano-sensei... Ranpo-san... Kenji-kun... and, uh... “ He looks away, sounding embarrassed. “I can't tell you.” Dazai furrows his brows. I can't tell you? What on Earth is it supposed to mean? Could the boy be...
The plush tiger sits on the floor, looking at Dazai questioningly.
“And they were all... not just dead, but killed in really cruel ways... And the tiger...“ Atsushi continues, not noticing Dazai's reaction and not knowing that his superior has just made a wild guess about him. “I felt the tiger's bloodlust and joy. He came closer to, uhm... that person... maybe they were dead already, but maybe not… And he ripped through the body, and he clawed at their chest, and he tore it apart, and he bit the flesh, and he shattered their bones, and he... and he was so happy...”
Atsushi breaks into tears once again, while Dazai shushes awkwardly. Maybe he does need to get to that headmaster after all, he thinks to himself. The one who abused this kiddo until he learned to be ashamed of his own dreams, and who then kicked him out to starve in the gutters. Maybe he'll be able to find that man and talk to him, for just five minutes.
“And I wasn't even in his form, Dazai-san, I lied to you... I was human... And I craved hurting, and biting, and killing... And I enjoyed it... I'm so so sorry, Dazai-san... I promise you I never wanted it... but I couldn't stop it, I felt so...” The boy can barely speak now, gasping and sniffing after every word.
No, two minutes will be enough, Dazai decides. Just two minutes alone with that jerk who had one job of keeping Atsushi safe and couldn't even do it. Just two minutes - and maybe also a gun. Yes, a gun is a really good idea… He hopes Kunikida will have the decency to let him do it. Maybe he’ll join him even…
“This toy is totally different from what came to you in that nightmare,” is what Dazai says out loud, picking the toy up and offering it to Atsushi once again. He feels like a sorry actor in a baby theatre where adults speak in squeaky voices and pretend to be who they’re not, but to hell with shame and uncertainty. “Look at him. He is a kind guy, the one who smiles at cashiers and runs after strangers to return to them the five-yen coin they dropped. One day he brought a homeless puppy to his office without asking anybody, but no one had the heart to tell him it was against the rules, and the puppy stayed, and the tiger guy became his best friend.”
It sounds more and more like cooing a little kid but at this point Dazai has already lost most of his pride. The boy deserves so much more than crying because he's scared of his own dreams.
“Does he still sound like an awful beast? Look at his eyes, Atsushi-kun. Can you see bloodlust in his eyes?”
Atsushi bites his lip, thinking.
“Does this tiger look like he shou... “
He doesn't get a chance to finish. A blink of an eye - and Atsushi already cuddles the toy, pressing it to his chest in the most tender of ways.
“He doesn’t deserve to be treated like a monster,” he mumbles against the toy’s fur, and for some reason Dazai is happier in this little moment than he could imagine, satisfaction and some other emotion, smiley and lightweight, filling him from the inside. Turns out he has a way with children, Dazai half-smirks to himself, not sure about his choice of words, though. Who would have thought...
He takes a moment to celebrate his little victory and then speaks again.
“Your brain clearly wanted you to be affected by these very particular images, you see,” he continues seriously. “Yosano-sensei does not have an ability useful for fighting, Ranpo is literally powerless, while Kenji-kun is just a kid - all of them are defenceless against a 450 lbs predator you potentially may lose control over. Is that right?”
Atsushi nods, looking down guiltily, but Dazai snaps quickly:
“Hell no! Kenji-kun is a devil on the battlefield, you should've seen him hurling a full-loaded truck at Port Mafia's boss himself! Yosano-sensei will personally kill you if she finds out you called her defenceless, and trust me, it will be a very long and veeeeeeery painful death. And then she’ll probably bring you back to life just to prove her point once again, a bit louder for those in the back, you know? And Ranpo? Gee, that man will probably know he's going to be attacked by the tiger before you even step your foot into the office that day! Or maybe even half a month prior, man.”
Atsushi giggles quietly at the jokes, and Dazai feels a weird warm sensation in his chest.
It actually works.
They spend some more time talking and laughing, Atsushi even finds the courage to ask for a cup of tea. To Dazai's surprise, it doesn't take him a full minute to come to terms with the idea of letting Atsushi stay for the night. No voices from the past and from the what-never-happened will come to Dazai this night, and the boy could definitely use some care and trust, so why not?
What surprises him even more is Atsushi who hears the offer and immediately lies down on the couch, closing his eyes and hugging his knees. His beaming face is barely visible behind the toy tiger's fur.
Now, that is the nerve of the Armed Detective Agency's new member, Dazai smiles to himself, standing up to go look for an extra blanket for the unexpected visitor. This way Mr. Mastermind didn’t even have to negotiate with me about the futon.
The boy is snoring already when he returns, exhausted by all the crying.
Dazai spends some more time on the couch, weighing the pros and cons, until he finally puts a hesitant hand on Atsushi's shoulder. There's no way he's going to brush it, of course, but the feeling of something heavy on your skin always helps with anxiety, right?
Maybe Dazai's getting too soft, but it's absolutely worth it.
It would be a lie if Dazai said he wasn't terrified of the idea of somebody walking in and seeing him like that, though.
Dazai wakes up when it's still dark, knowing he was disturbed by some sound, and blinks the drowsiness away at the sound of ragged breaths from the other room. He’s not alone. Then come barely audible steps, more breathing and a somewhat familiar whispered yelp.
Only a few moments later a terrified thought forms. Atsushi’s in there.
Dazai can swear he has never moved so quickly. It takes half a second to spring up to his feet, a gun already in his hand, a quarter of a second to rush to the living room and just a dull heartbeat to utter:
“Don't move!”
The dark figure by the door freezes.
Drops to their knees.
Cries out.
And Dazai is both relieved and numbed by the ineffable pain he can hear in the kiddo’s voice.
“I'm so sorry, I'm terribly sorry,” he hears Atsushi whisper desperately, trying to curl into a ball so little that it looks like the boy wants to disappear completely, “I should've never came to the Agency, I'm so sorry for tricking you into trusting me, please don't get mad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”
Dazai doesn't even try to pull any information from Atsushi until the boy has had another cup of tea. He doesn't know exactly how to help somebody calm down, so he puts an extra spoon of sugar in Atsushi's tea, waits for him to finish his cup, leads him to his own futon and makes him sit down, tucking him and the toy tiger in with a warm blanket. By that time, it's half past two in the morning, Atsushi has begged Dazai at least seven times to let him go back to the streets, he has also cursed himself multiply, while Dazai has come up with some ideas about what happened and how to best handle it.
“You had a nightmare, didn't you?” He asks when they are settled.
The boy who refuses to be a tiger pulls up the blanket immediately, hiding almost all his face. No answer comes.
“In that nightmare you as the tiger hurt someone again, right?”
Atsushi shuts his eyes tightly, like he knows for sure he'll be killed once he opens them, but whispers, “It was different this time. Not with claws and teeth... But yes, I hurt... someone. I violated their trust horribly, and I am so sorry...” Even though the tea helped him calm down, Atsushi's still shaking like he is responsible for someone's horrible death, nothing less. Not to say that this someone actually cares about staying alive...
Dazai is about to sigh disappointedly - seriously, how difficult can it be to talk to that boy? - when he suddenly hears his own voice, soft and encouraging, saying something he never thought he'd say:
“You don't have to feel so bad, kiddo. First, it was just a bad dream. Nobody was hurt, it's okay, everybody's safe, a’right? Second, you need to learn that there's nothing wrong with having a crush on somebody, and Atsushi, I swear I won't get mad at you just because you like me. Or did those jerks in the orphanage tell you homophobic shit too?”
Atsushi looks completely stunned. Dazai considers making a joke for a second, something in the lines of 'How could it be not fine when this is approximately the fiftieth time this handsome in front of you is hearing a love confession', but then decides against it. None of them breaks the silence for a long while.
It feels wrong.
“Are you serious? 'Cause if it's a prank, I... “ says Atsushi finally, reluctant to put his head out of the blanket. He resembles a confused little turtle to a ridiculous extent, and Dazai needs to make an effort to stifle a chuckle.
“I am absolutely serious,” he confirms, reaching out to hold Atsushi's shoulder. “Now why don't you tell me what scared you so much, huh? Also, you should know you apologize way too often. You're an adult and adults can like any other adults to their taste, and there's nothing wrong or immoral in that. Just in case no one has ever told you.”
Atsushi squeaks mid-phrase and blushes so hard the tips of his ears turn pink. This time, Dazai doesn't stop himself from laughing softly, using this opportunity to observe the boy’s face. It’s almost as if he notices Atsushi eyes for the first time, all the magical shades of yellow and purple all but taking his breath away. He's going to stay with the kiddo until he feels better, even if it takes the rest of the night to help him calm down. Yes, it's so very wrong, but does Atsushi really need to know?
“So what was it, Atsushi-kun? There's no way to get over a nightmare other than talking it out,” he insists, putting enough casual playfulness into his voice to make sure Atsushi relaxes a bit.
The boy shifts, breathes in and puts the toy on the floor between them, as if deciding he shouldn’t fiddle with it at such a serious moment. The blanket slips down his shoulders, but Atsushi doesn’t move it back up. He looks a bit calmer, albeit a bit tense, than he did half an hour ago. Now he only needs to act confident and offer the boy some support.
It takes Atsushi a few tries before he finally manages to utter his confession. After that, Dazai is left to blink in amusement until he finally decides to check if he heard it correctly.
“You just said that you're terribly sorry because you had a dream about forcing me into a gentle hug, right?”
“Yes,” Atsushi nods with a tragic look on his face, as if asking for mercy.
“You cried for fifteen minutes on end because you had a dream of forcing me into a hug.”
“Yes,” Atsushi confirms, a note of insecurity in his voice.
“You've called yourself a dangerous manipulative monster because you had a dream of forcing me into a very gentle hug, Atsushi.”
“Yes?.. “
“You also begged me to kick you out of the Agenc...“
“Okay, I got the point!” Atsushi raises his hands with an awkward laugh. “I guess it's not as improper and sinful as I initially thought, I got it, I'm sorry!”
“Improper and sinful are both very curious ways to describe a hug, but yes, and once again, you apologize too often,” Dazai stresses, controlling his facial expression as always. Well, it couldn't hurt to teach this boy some self-worth. “Also, I positively don't understand how one could possibly be forced into a very gentle hug or call it a violation of their trust, but thank you for teaching me new things, Atsushi-sensei.” They both smile a little, sharing a comfortable silence.
“If it’s not, uh, as unethical as I thought it was… Does this also mean... “ Atsushi says after a while, dithering. “Does this mean that it won't be bad or indecent of me to hug you? For real, I mean, right now? Even if..?” And the comfort is gone.
Oh boy.
What do I do now.
How do I stop this kid.
How do I even explain it to him.
How do I stop a naïve child who doesn't understand a thing about the world and people in it?
Dazai chuckles mysteriously, cocking his head to the side. His voice is just as inscrutable as usual.
“Are you sure you would want to?”
One heartbeat later he finds himself wrapped in the feared-by-so-many tiger's arms, white soft strands of hair brushing against his cheek, a warm and cosy smell surrounding him.
This is so wrong, Dazai think, not letting the pleasant sensations overcome him.
“Does it feel good?” Dazai says, hoping his voice sounds cheery and not fake. The boy hums back happily.
“It would be a bit harder to do if we weren't sitting 'cause you're so tall,” Atsushi jokes, snuggling into his shoulder while Dazai pats his back awkwardly. “Or maybe it’s me who is too short? Thanks for letting me stay at your place, anyways. I really appreciate it.”
It almost sounds as if the tiger boy purrs after these words, and Dazai decides it cannot go on like this.
“I'm not sure you understand the entirety of situation,” he breathes out, not being sure if he was heard. He also doesn't know if he wants to be heard.
But Atsushi does hear him and breaks the hug instantly, grabbing the toy and pressing it nervously to his chest. At least he has a good friend now, crosses Dazai’s mind as he watches the reestablished distance between them. The one that is safe and supporting.
“What do you mean, Dazai-san? Do you want me to leave?”
After the first five seconds, there is still no answer to this question, and Atsushi gasps, hit by the implication. No, Dazai winces, inching away. It’s not you who did something wrong…
“It's not that. It's that I meant it when I asked you. Would you really want to get so close to a person like me?”
“What are you talking about?” the boy frowns, and it hurts Dazai to answer it, it hurts more than the bruises or the cuts or the burns.
He explains in a neutral voice, ignoring the searing pain in his chest. “I'm not who you think I am, Atsushi-kun. Well, now I may look like a decent person, but I never was, and I still am not. It’s highly doubtful if I can be a good mentor, and it’s obvious I cannot be a good friend, to anybody. I worked for Port Mafia, you should know about it,” and he stares down at his own legs, because goddammit, he deserves this torment but still cannot do it, he's a coward, he's always been a coward. “I've done things that I can't even tell anyone about. I mean, of course our boss knows about some of it but then there are secrets that are just too much, too much for anybody. To be honest, I think you should be scared of me. I’ve lied countless times to people who considered me their friend. I tortured Port Mafia’s prisoners. I've murdered 136 people in one year.” He holds his breath, not having the courage to look up, listening intently for any shuffle, any sound that could tell him about Atsushi's reaction - but there is only dead silence. He continues – he doesn’t have a choice, he doesn’t deserve to get a choice. “Eighty of them were unarmed, twenty-three killed by me in their sleep, forty-five were ch..”
Once again there's a white bolt, almost too quick to notice, and the next thing he knows the plush tiger has fallen on the floor, while Atsushi is right in front of him, pressing a hand to Dazai's mouth. What is that?
“This is alright, you don't have to worry about it,” the boy whispers fervently, not being scared the least against all Dazai’s efforts to keep him safe.
“I have some dark secrets too, so it’s okay” He lowers his voice even more, his words barely audible, and still shocked Dazai guesses Atsushi’s going to tell him about the tiger’s victims. “One of those secrets is... the hug was not the only thing I dreamt about,” Atsushi finishes softly, still holding his hand over Dazai's mouth, and then he lands an awkward light kiss right on it, moving as swift and careful as a tiger that he will never stop being. Oh boy.
Dazai's thoughts rush at a bullet's speed. His brain registers how weird this whole situation is, and am I kissing his palm right now?, and what has just happened. However, he also notices this person is priceless, and why do I want to cup the nape of his neck so much, and a somewhat disturbing please run your hand through my hair, and there is absolutely no way I have fallen for a weretiger who's four years younger than me too.
Atsushi pulls back (way too soon, in Dazai's opinion), smiling, blushing, and looking very concerned simultaneously. Dazai realizes the kiss has left him speechless for the very first time in his life.
“I wanted to make sure you knew I trusted you with my everything but now that I think about it I probably should’ve just said it but I wasn’t sure you would believe me, but I can apologize if that was inappropriate or if I overstepped your boundaries or if you felt obliged to allow me to do it,” Atsushi gasps all in one breath, speaking so fastly it's almost incomprehensible. “You don't have to be polite, just say it,” and he looks down shyly.
It doesn’t even cross his mind that an ex-mafioso could manipulate him into this, Dazai realizes, not yet recovered from the intimacy and the trust he was gifted with. No, he’s only worried about not hurting him.
“Are there any other, gulp, things from your dream that you'd like to try out?” he is only able to utter in a suddenly raspy voice, feeling his face heating up. He's not sure he didn't jumble up some of the syllables. He’s going to do everything in his power to be worthy of that person in front of him. There's a strangle tingling sensation in his chest, but it doesn't hurt or feel wrong. He notices that he’s staring at Atsushi’s smiling lips, and the tingling intensifies. In fact, it feels so very nice.
Atsushi breathes the invitation in, sounding both scared and excited, then yelps, as if remembering something, and turns the plushie away so it is facing the wall. So precious, Dazai thinks, while Atsushi catches one of his hands, brings it to his lips and kisses the spot between his knuckles, sending shivers up his arm. “There are, if it’s okay with you”, he answers simply, his lips inches away from Dazai’s hand, warm breath against his skin.
Dazai hums in approval, not daring to speak, and Atsushi’s gentle fingers travel to his palm, caressing it, tracing the lines on it, then go up, massaging and tickling his wrist, until Dazai realizes his breaths have become quick and ragged.
“Why does it feel so good?” he whispers, melting into the touch.
“Because you've allowed yourself to feel it,” Atsushi answers knowingly.