Work Text:
Concentrating was hard.
Atsushi closed his eyes, breathing deeply and trying to focus on the voice of Kunikida-san. He needed to understand every word that was being said. He was at work, for goodness’ sake! However, when he opened his eyes, they were still there, right on the desk in front of him –
Dazai’s hands.
They. Were. Beautiful.
“Yet if we wanted to avoid them disappearing from the building via “Out of the Silent Planet”, if we planned to hide our presence from their executive altogether, we’d either have to rely upon…” Kunikida continued, explaining to the President his concerns. Atsushi spared another glance at his new boyfriend’s hands, not listening, and felt his cheeks heat up.
Dazai’s fingers were so perfect it was impossible to look away.
It was just a matter of hours since they had had the talk and Atsushi had found out for the first time in the longest while – or has he ever known it? – what it really felt like to be held, to be taken care of, to be caressed. The only thing he wanted now was to know more. Was it okay to want it?
“Or we would need to send in Nakajima-kun in his tiger form in hopes he’d be able to pass all their defences, including “The Palantír”, quickly enough. I’m afraid, though, Nakajima-kun is not at all ready yet to a mission this complicated, sir. I’m not sure we should even consider this, knowing how hard it is for him to transform fully,” Kunikida-san finished. Were it not for Byakko’s instincts, Atsushi would have jumped up at the sound of his name, having forgot all about the briefing. Pathetic, his inner voice provided, you aren’t even able to pay attention, worthless, stupid; but he could barely bring himself to care.
“Thank you, Kunikida. Apparently, we’ll have to find another way to break in,” the President nodded, getting up again and continuing his chain of logic. It hardly registered in Atsushi’s mind. Dazai had just bent one of his wrists at an angle that somehow made Atsushi’s insides flutter, and he had to bring a hand to his mouth to hide his growing smile.
How could he be so handsome.
How could he end up being Atsushi’s partner.
Dazai’s fingers were long and pale, even though it wasn’t even the most important thing - it was just Dazai’s presence on the chair to Atsushi’s left and his gorgeous frame leaning against the desktop relaxedly that made Atsushi’s soul soar after the long conversation they had had last night. The other thing that seemed to matter was, apparently, a thin white strip of gauze that was visible right under Dazai’s sleeve and that sent Atsushi’s heart somewhere in his stomach every time he looked at it. For a second, he wondered about all those people who claimed Dazai needed to stop wasting bandages and change his style (even in Atsushi’s experience there seemed to be an inexhaustible amount of both enemies and friends who wanted to state that). But how could they say something like this? No, they were clearly just in denial of how… How hot Dazai’s wrists looked?
Atsushi frowned, stirring on his chair and shifting his hand so that it would cover his cheeks that were most probably entirely red by now. What did he even know about hot? Was he supposed to know something about it? Was it wrong to think about someone this way if that was the very first time he felt something like this and if he had no idea what this was all about? How did he even get this idea looking at somebody’s wrists in the first place?
“Atsushi-kun!” Judging by the President’s voice, it was not the first time he was calling him. Atsushi stood up as straight as he could and bowed, completely aware of the fact he has missed a good half of the briefing. “Are you feeling well, kid?” You stupid, worthless irresponsible piece of junk.
“Yes, sir, thank you, sir,” Atsushi mumbled, and, feeling utterly embarrassed, dropped his whole weight on his chair as soon as it felt safe to do so. A part of him wanted to never ever enter this room again; another part was still, well, enamoured.
The man on his left seemed to chortle at Atsushi’s awkwardness, making him blush all over. His right hand moved so that his pinkie was almost touching Atsushi’s own fingers – he nearly squealed at the sight – but, after just a second, Dazai got up, moving his chair back, and suddenly Atsushi realised it was Dazai’s time to talk to the President. Huh? He wouldn’t ever dare to get up like this in the middle of the briefing.. Because he was a coward, and Dazai was not afraid of anything. Because he was pathetic, and Dazai…
“It’s easy to say that breaking in to the Inkling’s current hideout would take too many resources, Kunikida-san, Boss,” Dazai nodded with respect, “but it’s clear to me that such naïve plans are not going to work in this situation. We’re dealing with geniuses, and we’d better accept it as soon as possible, think of a way to outsmart them and start playing by our own rules. Now, I have something in mind that could potentially work if…” he paced away, gesturing casually with bandaged hands.
God. He didn’t want to stay in the office on a hot summer afternoon, he just wanted to be kissing these wrists, not watching them from this far. Wait, did he? How on Earth did these thoughts keep finding their way into his head?
“However, you all seem to forget that we have a) a powerful illusionist, yes Tanizaki-kun, that would be you, and b) a very fast and incredibly strong ability user who is simultaneously a bearer of a non-human DNA. Yes, I am aware of how complicated a full transformation is, but a half-transformed weretiger’s DNA is as good as an entirely non-human one. Am I right, Ranpo-san?” Dazai’s voice came in from a bit closer this time, but Atsushi was too deep in his thoughts to do more than notice it with Byakko’s hearing. Atsushi knew absolutely nothing of kisses. He knew he was head over hills in love, he knew he was… into men, into this one wonderful, handsome, genius man in particular, at least, but it didn’t mean he had any experience with love, or relationship, or tactile partnership at all.
“As far as I understand it, there is no threat of finding ourselves under a cross-fire?” Dazai’s voice came from much closer this time, and suddenly Atsushi realized his boyfriend was standing right behind his chair, sliding his hands down onto Atsushi’s shoulders. He blushed instantly. Dazai’s mannerisms were something else entirely. “As far as I understand it, there is not even a threat of the Inklings having any defense system at all, right? Our only goal is to break in as smoothly as possible,” his hands slid further onto Atsushi’s collar zone, “not scare them off.. and be out with whatever we need the second we’re done.” He locked his arms in an embrace, landing his chin on Atsushi’s head.
Atsushi wasn’t sure he’d make it to the end of the meeting without turning into a beetroot.
"Open it."
Atsushi was trying to keep his breathing deep and slow, clutching the edge of the couch he sat on, but his boyfriend's face was too perplexed for him to feel completely calm. There was a wrapped gift in Dazai's hands that he kept turning over and over with amazement, as if having forgotten that he wanted to join Atsushi on the couch only a few seconds ago.
“That’s for me? My, thank you, dear.” Dazai’s voice was playful, but he always spoke like this, it didn’t mean anything. What if the present wasn’t good enough? What if Dazai bought something similar himself before Atsushi? What if something else went wrong? Also, Atsushi’s boyfriend’s hair looked fluffy enough to make it very hard to concentrate.
"You are aware that my birthday isn't for another month, right?" Dazai asked with a chuckle. He didn’t sound annoyed yet.
Don't freak out now. Calm down.
And stop staring, for goodness sake.
Yes, he’s your boyfriend, but it doesn’t mean you can just...
"I-I am, yes, but I-" Atsushi heaved a ragged breath, forcing his thoughts to slow down. Sadly, that wasn’t easy. "I noticed you don't ever wear any light summer clothes, it's always your suits, dress shirts and vests, and I decided that maybe you don't have any casual summer clothes or maybe you don't like the ones you own and it's getting hotter every day, so I... Yes. Here. Just open!"
Atsushi's eyes fleeted across the room, searching for anything to stop on that wasn't his partner's frame in front of him and also wasn't Dazai's gorgeous hairstyle. No, you are supposed to keep the eye contact, you coward!
Dazai huffed in surprise. "Well, I am intrigued," he murmured and started unwrapping the package, rustling loudly and looking up at Atsushi a few times with a curious expression. His movements, precise as always, were excruciatingly slow - or, at least, they felt this way. Atsushi started fidgeting with his seat again. Please, just... Let's get this over with already. Of course, he shouldn't have bought it without asking but he tried to take everything into account so maybe...
"Oh."
Dazai's eyebrows shot up; his fingers stopped. A few bangs fell over his eyes, shadowing his beautiful delicate features - Stop being a creep right now! Atsushi lowered his head, unable to maintain eye contact anymore, and watched Dazai's feet instead. So, he did a mistake after all, didn’t he. It’s only a matter of seconds now until it’s confirmed.
The silence around them slowly grew tenser. Atsushi’s throat felt tight as he held his breath, focusing on what was in front of him.
The floor. Dazai was standing in the spot where the floorboards were a bit darker than everywhere else. Or maybe it was simply his shadow? Breathe in, breathe out.
The table. It had four wooden legs, simple and neutral. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Dazai (or rather, his feet). He was wearing white socks and spotlessly clean tailored pants. Breathe in, breathe out… This man was perfect. Atsushi would never be able to dress this handsomely. Atsushi would never deserve someone like this.
"Ooh. It's a summer shirt," Dazai continued. Was it only a few moments that passed? Atsushi bit his lip, trying to decipher Dazai’s mood. "I'm really grateful, love, I am,” his boyfriend’s level voice came from above where Atsushi couldn’t look. There still wasn’t a “but” present; however, that didn’t matter. Even if Dazai didn’t say this, he obviously meant it, and then–
No no no, he thought it all over, he did…
"But it's got long sleeves! I remembered how you always prefer them (I don’t know why but you don’t have to tell me), I tried to find the lightest fabric but I’m not sure if it… if I… ”Atsushi mumbled, not even knowing what he was trying to say. Don't be a bother now, stupid. “Sorry.”
Did he stand any chance, really.
Dazai's feet shuffled, then came closer to the couch. Atsushi tensed.
“You are so thoughtful,” were the only words Dazai said, almost in a whisper. He reached out slowly to cup Atsushi’s face, sending goosebumps over the nape of his neck, but didn’t force him to look up. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I am sure it’s an amazing shirt, honey. It took you a lot of effort, a lot of thinking, and I am truly grateful. Can you give me a minute to try it on?”
God.
Dazai’s hand was resting on Atsushi’s cheek. Dazai’s hand was still on his cheek… Somehow, it was impossible to think about anything else.
“Of course,” Atsushi whispered, his eyelids fluttering.
“Good.” Dazai’s hand lingered on his skin, thumb brushing against the side of Atsushi’s eyebrow - and then it disappeared, and Dazai lifted a shirt to his face. “M-hmm, the colour is so nice! And it’s so soft… I would wear it all year round if I could. Wait, that’s a…” He made a little surprised “huh”. “Wait, Atsushi, what is...? That surely cannot – that surely isn’t… How did you even find a shirt with something like this?”
Atsushi chuckled shyly, feeling his face heat up with a pink of pride, and risked a glance up. Dazai was frozen, one arm in a sleeve already, the other hovering above his heart where the shirt had a tiny red crab. “Where do they sell these? H-how… just how?”
“I may or may not have done it myself.”
Dazai’s eyes became larger than Atsushi has ever seen them. “You did that yourself – I mean, you can… what is it even called? Sewing? Stitching?”
“It’s embroidering, and also, you’re welcome” Atsushi smiled in response to Dazai’s “thank you”. “And also also – I-I mean, no, nothing, it’s insignificant “
“No, nothing, it’s insignificant”! Seriously? There was no way Dazai was gonna leave him be now! There were never any “insignificant nothings” with Dazai.
“Also what?” Dazai inquired with a poke to Atsushi’s cheek – and then he inquired again, and again, and he kept asking him and interrogating him and poking at his face until Atsushi gave up.
“Also, I love you.” Atsushi mumbled and suppressed a nervous shudder. This was the first time any of them had said it. Was it too soon? Was it gonna weird Dazai out? Was it…
“Please stop spiralling,” Dazai whispered so close to his face, bringing their foreheads together. “I can practically hear your panicking thoughts. I, love, you, too, Nakajima Atsushi. You have nothing to worry about, honey. Okay?”
No... Not exactly okay? There was something different going on in Atsushi’s head right now.
“Honey?” Dazai leaned back a little and frowned, looking at Atsushi in confusion. “Are you alright, my man?”
Atsushi inhaled sharply and spoke. “My… body is doing something. It’s feeling something.” There wasn’t any non-awkward way to put it, there just was a weird shivering and wobbling at the bottom of his stomach, like a little black hole was sucking the inside of his abdomen in. Atsushi inhaled deeply again and looked at Dazai, trying to make sure his eyes didn’t drop. No, not in that way! He was thinking about his anxiety and avoiding eye contact, not about… He’s not… He won’t… He can’t. However, maybe this was the time?
“It’s doing something, huh? Like what?” Dazai slipped his other arm into the sleeve of the shirt and then leaned closer, almost touching Atsushi’s nose with his own, almost… teasing him? Oh well. It probably was. The blackhole sucked at his intestines with a very confusing “I want”.
“It’s… I think I’m supposed t-to know this already, but I think m-my stomach did a… something when you…”
Atsushi gulped as Dazai dropped down onto his knees, bringing his face even closer, and actually sniffed Atsushi’s skin. “Was it a good a-something?” he whispered right into Atsushi’s neck.
The hole inside Atsushi’s stomach throbbed with little concern to whether or not Atsushi wanted it to.
“I-it was,” he mumbled in panic and saw Dazai closing his eyes and moving towards him. It was the time for it. Apparently.
The kiss wasn’t like anything Atsushi expected it to be. Instead, it was… nothing at all. Knowing how important it was, Atsushi tried to mirror his boyfriend’s movements – that is, as soon as he could think again – but the only reason for it was shame and probably fear. How could it be so boring? mixed in his head with How do I make him like it? and played on repeat, making him dizzy in the darkness that surrounded him (as kisses were supposed to be had with closed eyes, Atsushi remembered); however, this time it was definitely a bad kind of dizzy.
Dazai – or did he have to only call him Osamu from now on?? - wasn’t planning on finishing it soon, it seemed. His hands slipped under Atsushi’s fringe, to his temples, down to his neck, and Atsushi had to do his best to suppress a shiver of panic and… no, surely that was a word too strong. The blackhole disappeared an eternity ago, leaving him alone with But I was so sure I loved him and Why am I so broken. He had no idea of how to move his own hands nor what to do with them.
Dazai’s lips were soft and clammy. His hands, his beautiful hands, feathered over Atsushi’s back, making him want to shiver so ha– so badly. No, loser, it’s not time to cry yet.
Finally, it was over. Dazai, apparently deciding not to have any of those other things this time, leaned back and chuckled with satisfaction, sending Atsushi’s heart down to his heels. “I love you,” he repeated, catching one of Atsushi’s silver locks and playing with it. “And you are a really good kisser”.
It was a second, or maybe an hour, and Atsushi had probably said something too, but then his boyfriend – or could he call him that after what’d just happened? – got up and straightened his new shirt.
“I’m gonna show it to every breathing soul I meet today,” Dazai told him with a playful smirk before thanking him (why could he never do anything well enough?) and leaving for the Agency.
The door clicked shut, and Atsushi found himself alone in the whole world.
Dazai’s fingers were everywhere. Cupping his cheeks, combing his hair, playing with the hem of his shirt, brushing his neck before he landed more, and more, and more kisses all over Atsushi’s skin. They were the only people in the room, but it felt like two freezingly cold hands slipped around Atsushi’s torso, poisoning him with panic. It didn’t get better over time. The spots where his lover’s lips touched him were left wet and cool, as if kissed by something cold and deadly.
Dazai whispered something that sounded almost tender. It was an “I love you,” probably. Something Atsushi had waited so long for, something that turned out to be a mocking of his own soft crush on Dazai. Or maybe it was a “thank you”. Atsushi hoped he was doing a good job, kneading the skin under Dazai’s shirt as he swallowed his gasps and – no, not tears, they could not be tears – and left tiny pecks on his boyfriend’s cheeks.
The time went on. It was nothing – just weird sounds of skin touching skin and their quiet breaths. It was endless, until Dazai’s hands hovered right over the top button of Atsushi’s shirt, and he could not contain a terrified gasp.
He froze immediately, his hands shaking, still holding the fabric on Dazai’s back, his gaze falling. He failed. He ruined it. He obviously did not have a boyfriend anymore.
Dazai froze too.
“Atsushi,” he said quietly, and then, “my love,” and then, “shit. Shit, Atsushi, how–how…”
No. Absolutely not. If there was the smallest chance to make it right, he would do everything it would take.
Atsushi shuddered, snuggling in his lover’s shoulder to hide his face, and forced a smile on his lips. It could not be seen, obviously, but it would change the way he sounded, and this was important. “I… I’m okay, that’s alright. It just came a bit unexpected, that’s all.” He blinked away a treacherous tear, knowing his words were certainly not enough, praying Dazai would decide the shakiness of his voice came from the excitement and not from… disgust. “That’s okay, dear. I got a bit overwhelmed, that’s all.” He inhaled deeply. “It’s just.. if you could keep your hands… if you could stop with them for a minute,” he added as lightly as he could.
“Sounds like someone knows exactly what he needs,” Dazai snickered, lowering his hands on Atsushi’s shoulders to manipulate him into a face-to-face position, but Atsushi stiffed and refused to move, letting out a sniffle – a quiet one, but nothing eluded Dazai’s hearing. A single cool tear escaped from under Atsushi’s eyelids. Dazai cursed under his breath. “Shit, I did hear it right. Atsushi, this is serious, are you…” He stopped then, shuddering with emotion, and Atsushi could tell he frowned, growing pale with every passing second. “Were… Were you.... Is it because of the orphanage? God, I will kill them all, Atsushi, if they as much as–”
“No. No, I’m okay.” Atsushi unburied his face hurriedly but didn’t raise his eyes, staring down for the thousandth time. At the same moment, a single idea repeated itself in his head: would it be easier to explain if what Dazai thought was true?
“Did anyone ever hurt you this way?”
“No.”
“Did they threaten you with it?”
“No, Dazai, it’s fine, I swear…”
“But it’s not,” he answered simply, brushing Atsushi’s hair away from his face. His thumb trailed a wet path of Atsushi’s tear. “You’re crying, love… You’re crying,” he repeated, and his voice was full of fear while the sentence sounded dull and empty without the moniker. Shoot. “How do you feel? What went wrong?”
Everything. Lots of things. Something between today and the day I had fallen in love with you. “I don’t know… I… I don’t want you to leave me,” Atsushi whispered, and finally tears streamed freely down his cheeks. “I don’t know how to do any of this, and I don’t… I don’t want to disappoint you. I want to be a boyfriend you deserve. Do you think you could… do you…”
No. No second chances. No waiting for him, he was no damsel in distress to be waited for.
Dazai leaned in, clearly to cover his face with kisses, but stopped half-way and just squeezed his shoulder. There was no usual teasing. No caressing. No support, no playfulness – no anything.
“Atsushi, I won’t leave you unless you want it yourself,” Dazai said to him, still the same foot away. “I won’t kiss you unless you want it, either. I won’t do anything to hurt you, and I… I really need your help here. What you were doing just now… Please, Atsushi. Can you hear me?” Dazai’s fingers feathered by his chin, still not touching it. He had to nod for Dazai to continue. “Please, don’t do this ever again. Not for me, not for anyone. Nobody is worth this effort, darling. Will you remember it?”
Another nod.
Dazai sighed, clearly wanting more – of course he wanted more, like all the normal people did – but settled for something entirely different to say. “Now, I really need you to answer another question, okay? You still with me? Can you do this, can you answer it?”
Always. Anything. “Yes.”
Dazai exhaled slowly, and a sudden understanding hit Atsushi: it was the same emotion and the same helplessness, forcing himself to hide his eyes, that made Dazai sigh this shakily. Almost as if... as if Dazai could feel miserable too. “Atsushi…”
“Yes?” he half-said, half-sobbed.
“Can I still call you my love?”
And all of a sudden that made him laugh – with joy so simple that the previous minutes seemed nothing but a bad dream, with realization so giddy he’d swing his boyfriend around if they were just two characters from a cartoon: Dazai was just as scared of losing him as he was of losing Dazai. As if that was possible, as if it would ever happen!
“You can,” he answered, his voice disappearing in giggling, and “Of course,” and “I love you,” “I love you so,” “I love you so,” his laughter turning into tears and tears into laughter.
Dazai switched the kettle on to make night tea.
“I’m not sure…” Atsushi started, fiddling with his fringe.
“Yes?”
“I’m not sure I’ll ever want to. To go further. T-to let you undress me or anything of that kind. Is this really okay?”
“Of course it is,” Dazai sat down and covered his palm with his own. “It’s not the most important thing, dear. We’ll just find some other ways to express love and we’ll be happy, starting with today. Or tomorrow. Depending on how late it is right now.”
“You sure you’ll be happy with just that?”
“What do you mean “just that”?” His eyebrows rose. “My boyfriend has just come out to me. How can I not do everything in my power to show him how brave, and kind, and beautiful and all the best things he is? What do you mean, “just that”? There are words of love, acts of kindness and gentle touches. There is cooking together and making gifts. There is laughing, and holding hands, and wishing each other goodnight. Whispering soft nothings, giving hugs – are hugs okay? – and dancing together. There is me, there is you. What else do we need?”
Atsushi sniffled.
“I love you, alright? We’ll keep discussing it, I’ll learn, and it’ll be our own love language.”
“I love you back, and hugs are okay,” Atsushi mumbled and leaned forward, headbutting his boyfriend’s chest.
“Okay.” Dazai drew soothing circles into his back, holding him gently, and there was a tender smile to his voice.
“Okay”.
“Can I ask now?”
“You can.”
“Sleeping next to each other?”
“Yes, but only cuddling.”
“Dancing? Just in the kitchen.”
Atsushi giggled. “We’ll have to find out.”
“Kisses?”
“Probably alright, just not on the lips.”
Dazai tapped the top of Atsushi’s head with a small laugh:
“Can I?”
Atsushi purred back, feeling safe – safe – safe, after all he’d been through, despite everything that he’d been through without any reason.
“You can.”
Dazai slowly pressed his lips to the crown of Atsushi’s head, and Atsushi melted into the kiss.
The tea was ready.
Atsushi’s soul felt as light as the summer sky. His eyes wandered around, stopping for a second on the kids playing in the splash pad, then on the giant pillow plushie in a window, then on the menu of a little restaurant, searching for the ochazuke’s price. Dazai chuckled by his side, intertwining their fingers, and making Atsushi look up at him warily. What was wrong, did he miss anything important?
“You really think it’s cool enough to be eating ochazuke?”
There was no mocking, just a little inside joke, and Atsushi made sure to try and calm his inner voice. He was loved by this person, by his boyfriend, and he wouldn’t be made fun of. He let out a little sigh to let it sink in.
“’Course not,” he smiled. “Just a habit, I think. It, it really is too hot today.”
“What do you think about getting ice creams, then?” Dazai said in a conspiratorial tone, giving him a wink. Atsushi felt himself blush. Why… Why did Dazai treat him this way? Was it because of yesterday? Was it a bad change?
He winced and blurted, the last part coming in a whisper. “I’ve never tried pistachio-flavored ice cream, to be honest. I’d like to try”.
Dazai smiled and tugged at his arm.
They were walking down the street slowly, enjoying the calmness of their shared afternoon. Dazai was biting small bits off his mint chocolate chip ice cream cone, holding it up gracefully with just two fingers (Atsushi almost dropped his waffle cup when he tried to repeat that gesture). At the same time, Atsushi’s own pistachio ice cream that he nibbled at carefully felt amazing.
The day was magical. The sunshine. The bustle of Yokohama around them. The brushing of Dazai’s free hand against Atsushi’s fingers. It felt magical enough to doubt if it was real.
He remembered an old tale about a poor woodsman who accidentally found his way to a spirit summer festival and who feasted and danced with tanuki’s and kitsune’s and tengu’s all through the night, pretending to be somebody else, somebody who belonged there. Alright, Atsushi wasn’t sure if this charm would stay or disappear. Maybe the truth would be uncovered, and he would be called an imposter, maybe it would all be taken from him – spending Dazai’s time even though he wasn’t giving anything back, spending money on food even though he wasn’t even hungry. Things were taken from him every time he dared to think he deserved them. That was true... but right now he couldn’t make himself feel scared. Right now, Atsushi felt safe.
And that was a feeling worth remembering.
“Look!” Dazai called, stopping by his side. He was pointing at a large LED display on the other side of the street that has apparently just started playing a new commercial. “I guess this day has just gotten better.”
In the muted ad, two young Japanese men were having dinner in a fancy-looking restaurant. Their plates were empty already, there was a flower in a vase…. And a candle and a half-hidden proposal ring box between them.
Dazai chuckled. “Well, either this really is the very first gay Japanese ad, or I am dreaming, in which case I will simply have to repeat our ice cream date when I wake up. Then I will make sure you fulfil your pistachio-flavored dream for the second time, so we won’t end up disappointed anyway - would you mind that, darling?”
Atsushi blinked a few times, almost oblivious to Dazai’s words, but the commercial was still there. The candle. The ring box. Two connected hands.
“Uh… I…” Atsushi managed to utter. “Did they...? Dazai, is-isn’t it… gay representation? The representation… of us? I-I mean, not us, obviously, just…” He felt his cheeks turning red and mumbled on something unintelligible, when Dazai put a hand on Atsushi’s shoulder.
“I got you,” he murmured gently. “And yes, I think it really is our lucky day.”
The conversation on screen was inaudible, but it was clear that the couple was having a very private moment. One of them unlinked their hands to cup his partner’s face, when the second one suddenly slapped his hand away, making Atsushi gasp involuntarily. No, no no no…
“The drama,” Dazai acknowledged, rubbing little circles into Atsushi’s shoulder as he always did after his extreme startle response. He couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice, though.
Large letters appeared on screen, pausing the story for a few seconds. “Something is going wrong in your relationship?” they provided. Atsushi held his breath, caring about these two more than he did about himself. However, there was no way to know what caused the outbreak, except for the couple’s facial expressions.
The first man looked helpless. He tried to say something, reaching forward, but his boyfriend got up and yelled at him, pushing away the ring box, clasping his watch – an earlier present? – off furiously and slamming it down on the table with exaggerated fury. “Is it too soon for you, or not soon enough?” the captions said.
Please help them get back together, Atsushi thought, putting a hand over his mouth nervously. His legs were trembling from agitation. He watched the man rush out of the restaurant and stomp down the street, the letters saying “It’s our job to help you” appearing over his head. It will be alright, he tried to think even though he felt completely at the mercy of whoever made the ad.
“You think it’s about a mental health service? Anger management, couples therapy, stuff like this?” Dazai asked quietly. Atsushi grabbed onto his hand. He didn’t know.
However, it had nothing to do with anger management. The boyfriend had entered a luxury watch store and placed an order, smiling at the consultant, and she smiled back. In the last few seconds of the commercial, no less than three women surrounded him, offering him pieces of paper with their phone numbers scribbled onto them, while the man smiled at the camera smugly. “Stop wasting your time,” the final captions said. “You deserve better. You deserve GOLD FLOWER watch.”
Then there was a quick flash, and the next commercial started, leaving Atsushi with tears in his eyes. Of course, it had to end this way. “Stop wasting time” …
“They didn’t,” Dazai whispered in a calm voice that he only used to threaten someone he absolutely hated. However, Atsushi was already gone, sinking in agonizing hopelessness. Anybody deserved someone better than him. People like him were just a waste, a sin, an abomination. He had no worth. He had always known it…
He felt Dazai’s hand slip from his shoulder, and suddenly his chest went so cold he was going to die an ugly, lonely frozen bundle right then and there. He couldn’t contain a sob.
“You… you do deserve a better partner,” he stuttered, taking a step away from the most important person in his life and wrapping his arms around his stomach. “Don’t you?”
It was only fair that Atsushi would die alone. Abandoned, but an inconvenience no more, he thought as he stared at the pavement, waiting for his tears to run all the way down his cheeks and paint it a darker gray.
“Nonsense,” the most beautiful voice in the world reached him. “I am not here to do what others think I should be doing.”
He walked carefully towards Atsushi. “I’m here because you make me the happiest. And those jerks, they…They knew it was the first time people would see something like this, and still they didn’t know any better than presenting us as some…” Dazai waved his hands in the air, didn’t find the right words and just cupped Atsushi’s cheek. “We are not mistakes. We are not ugly. We,” he gently tilted Atsushi’s face upward, “are gifts to this world.”
“But won’t you… find someone who will be-” Atsushi mumbled but Dazai stopped him, pressing his forehead against Atsushi’s.
“Why would I want anything else if you are perfect already?” Dazai whispered.
“And you’re not even ashamed of me?”
“Dah-ling,” Dazai chuckled. “Even if there is some weird homophobic person on this street who cares about us, I have some bad news for them. My soul is as gay as they get, and I am madly in love with you, and I will never be ashamed of you. I’m not changing a single thing about us.”
“And why is that bad news for people on this stree…” Atsushi started, but Dazai picked him up and spun around, giggling like a child.
“It’s a hundred percent okay to refuse, but can I kiss you?” Dazai gasped, breathing a bit heavily, as he put Atsushi back down.
Of course, love.
Atsushi smiled and touched his own cheek with his fingers lightly, followed by Dazai’s careful lips.
And that kiss was sweet and safe.