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Nothing quite hurts like ending the day with being told by your blonde pal, “I just don’t think we can be together dude.” Craig was glad he was alone with Kenny in the confinements of his spaced out room, otherwise there’s no telling how many comments Kenny’d get for blurting out something like that . He noted that Kenny didn’t seem to even register the fact it slipped from his mouth until he mumbled “fuck”. Craig may have never been hit by a truck at eighty miles per hour (unlike his ride-or-die partner, unbeknownst to him), but it sure fucking felt like he was. It was rare for Craig to barrage Kenny for hours with questions and gestures of concern on the days he came to hang out at Craig’s. Kenny had never been so distraught and silent before, making it hard to resist trying his absolute hardest to get out the truth. His brain, processing at speeds faster than a racecar, sputtered the only word it could keep focus on.
Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why-
“Why not?” Typical Craig, being as bland as possible to push down the insurmountable anger and confusion going directly to his clenched fists. The voice crack suggested it was a lost battle.
“It doesn’t matter. If you still knew, you’d know what I’m about to say.” The more Kenny talked the paler he seemed from the aching pain of reminiscence of… what? Grasping at thin air for answers made it impossible to breathe. Was Kenny doing something in secret? Did he not love Craig after all? Were these two months for naught, the best two months of his life might he add? “Craig! Damn it dude calm down, it’s not something you’d be able to remember.”
“Then tell me!” Kenny winced at the death grip on both of his shoulders. Craig continued to plead. “Look at me.” Photography with Kenny photobombing. Paper airplanes in the middle of class. First kiss at Craig’s doorstep. Afternoons at Stark’s Pond. Fuck, even the cheap ass gas station hotdogs they ate when Kenny snuck in during Craig’s shift. Did none of it matter? No, no that couldn’t be. It wasn’t . “Please.” Kenny, looking completely unphased by the heartfelt concern bleeding out of the fissures in Craig’s stoic personality, only sighed. Once upon a time Craig would’ve punched Kenny right then and there for giving zero fucks to how Craig was reacting. That’s a closed chapter.
“...” The chuckle was more eerie than the responses. “I’m not sure if it’s worth… going through this shit again man. You don’t even realize this is the fifth time we’ve had this conversation, do ya?” Fifth? What type of shit was Kenny on? “Yeah, now you’re going to look shocked, probably ask if I might be doing drugs or something, a medication even. Like I’d ever be able to afford that. Then you’ll say, ‘Kenny, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but whatever it is, you can tell me.’” Craig took his hands off Kenny and slid back in the bed to the edge. He did indeed feel and look perplexed. Afraid was a word he dared to think of. “So many times I-I’ve… I’ve heard so many promises. Fuck I sound dramatic, I’m trying to be serious. Why do I keep trying to tell you…”
“You want me to know. Come on, let me hear it.”
“You won’t-”
“I don’t care. You sound insane as hell right now, but that doesn’t scare me.” Craig cupped Kenny’s cheeks, staring him down, running a finger through the loose golden locks covering his eyes, the tip of the thumb coming off wet from a tear. “You never lie to me, that scares me.” Realizing there was a force at work here keeping Kenny from being honest helped Craig composed himself to better aid him. “I need you to tell me, again, what’s wrong. I won’t forget this time.” The sincerity made Kenny cave in and deeply exhale. He reached one hand up and rubbed the much more clean and smoother hands resting on his face compared to his dirty, band-aid riddled ones. Any person in the world and Craig had to choose Kenny. Definitely the best decision of his life.
“Every time you think you won’t forget I get hopeful. But then you do. I lie awake sometimes thinking about that.” Kenny let their hands fall from his cheek in order to intertwine them. “I know how much you like to boast that no one’s ever seen you cry. I’ve seen it five times.” That’s impossible. What could- “And, well, in the time we’ve been close you may have seen me die five times.” Die?! Was Kenny mad?!
“No fucking way. Why wouldn’t I…” Caught in the line of fire of bottomless guilt and defeat, Craig stared with bewilderment at the ceiling, as if looking away will make any of this untrue.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it dude. I keep saying you wouldn’t remember and I mean it.” He never took his gaze off Kenny, soaking in every last detail uttered, locking it up in a mental safe with five different combinations. “Ah Fuck it, gotta go through this shit again now and explain this shitshow again.” Craig briefly frowned. This should be too much to process, but he using all of his brainpower piecing together the hundreds of puzzle pieces. Deep down, he knew he couldn't possibly imagine the pain Kenny was feeling now.
To think that Craig's worst nightmares had come true and he just didn't remember.
“Go slow.”
“Yeah. Yeah.” Kenny leaned in and rested his head on Craig’s shoulder as he spoke for a droplet of comfort. But then Craig nudged Kenny off. An idea overcame his sorrow.
“Hold on.” This should work, no, has to work. That’s what kept echoing in his mind as he hopped off the bad. Frantically rummaging in the bottom drawer filled with a miscellaneous of unused or used up school supplies, twiddling a finger on the tail of the earflap. “God damn it, where is it…” At last with a grunt of effort Craig pulled out a blue, seemingly unused journal from the depths of his hellish pile of supplies and a red pen. “Not sure why my parents ever thought I’d need a stupid journal, but I know what to do with it now.” Determination came back to Craig at full force the moment he opened the first page.
“What are you doing?”
“This crazy shit you’re telling me, I forget it because it’s wiped from my brain from the sounds of it. Can’t erase paper and pen, though, right? So I’ll write this down. Everything I’ve missed, and anything that happens, no matter how bad it is. I won’t forget again. That’s a promise. That way…”
“You’ll…” You’ll remember . Yeah, Craig thought to himself. I fucking will. I won’t let some sort of memory curse stop me from being there. His train of thought came to a halt when Kenny tackled him into a tight embrace and let the gates open. A waterfall of tears streamed down as Kenny began profusely sobbing, burying himself in Craig’s shirt. Poor dude was shaking, too, gripping the shirt so tightly his knuckles were white. Craig didn’t budge a muscle, all he did was rub Kenny’s back and keep him close. He didn’t want him going anywhere. “I’m sorry, I-I’m sorry, this is so…”
“Soooooooooooo annoying that I didn’t think of this before?” Kenny found it in himself to smirk at that.
“That too. F-fuck I haven’t felt this… happy in a long time. Craig?”
“Uh huh?” Craig wiped the tears off Kenny’s face when he looked up from the wet patch of tears on his shirt.
“I don’t want to go.”
“Then stay here for the night. Tomorrow isn’t a school day anyway.” He absentmindedly wormed a hand into Kenny’s hair and watched Kenny contently sigh in response. “I’m proud of you, for not giving up and telling me, even if it’s again.”
“You? Giving praise? Y-you’re on thin ice Tucker before I… shut you up.”
“Hmph.” Craig leaned back on the headrest of the bed and put Kenny to his chest. “That sounds nice. Rather take a 5 hour nap though.” He waited, and waited, and waited for Kenny to calm down, all while the blonde relentlessly clutched onto Craig for dear life. Yet he was smiling. It was brighter than any star he’d ever seen. God he could just kiss him. “Here,” Craig reached for the journal and clicked the pen upwards. “If you’re up for it-”
“I’m… I’m ready.” Uneven breathing, slow tears, and constant sniffling aside, Kenny seemed a lot better than just a few minutes ago. “... Thank you. I don’t know how we’ll get through this.” Immense uncertainty lied ahead, but such was life. They’d find a way, they always do.
“We’ll figure it out. Someone has to watch your ass.”
“Oh fuck y-you Tucker.”
“Love you too.”
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Page 1
Dear Craig Tucker,
Hey asshole. This is also Craig writing this. Listen closely: everything in this journal is true. Everything you read is real, it has happened, you have felt it. You will cry, you will mourn, deny and a shit load of other feelings. But this is the truth, every written death is all the fucked up things that happened to McCormick. Never forget, for his sake. Ken, if your poor ass is reading this, feel free to add anything. The more merrier. I also want this back immediately and get repaid with math homework answers. I can’t figure this shit out.
Let’s keep our orbits colliding.
-CT