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I sit at the lunch table and observe their relationship. Y/n always tickled pink whenever Eric makes a joke. No matter the joke, she'll be laughing. I barely eat as I sit by them. Y/n playfully punches Eric, Eric takes something from her lunch. They play fight over it. I feel sick to my stomach from anxiety.
Having to watch it every day is excruciating for me. But I have to brush it off my shoulder, act like my high school sweetheart didn't get swept up my best friend. It's all my fault, I should have told Eric. I wouldn't be in this mess if I knew how to open up. Y/n breaks me from my thoughts.
"Hey Dyl, eat your food." She tells me. She smiled at me. Oh, her beautiful smile, her pearly white teeth. She calls me Dyl. It was the nickname she gave me when we first met. It was her first day at Columbine and I was the first person she talked to. I was shocked that she even tapped my shoulder to ask me what the teacher wrote down cause she couldn't see.
She sat at the empty desk next to mine to copy my notes. The next day, she sat at the same desk, she changed her seat to that desk. Eventually, I introduced her to Eric, and they clicked almost instantly. When we all three hung out, Eric and y/n would be together and crack jokes with each other. Eric did talk about how much he liked y/n, I guess I couldn't stir up the courage to tell him how I felt about her. How I adore this girl, her and her everything. Eric asked her out at a Halloween party that Robyn held.
They've been dating since and it's now March. I would tell Eric how I feel, but, it'll only harm. Eric isn't the type of guy to like other guys liking his girl. He probably wouldn't want me around y/n anymore if I told him. So I kept it to myself, all to myself. I sat there, every day at lunch, watching. Watching and feeling pain, the entire time.
I was pretty good at hiding it, no one suspected anything. Eric did notice I was feeling more down than usual. I just told him it was because of family stuff. No suspicion came from him after I told him that. I'd see him post pictures of him and y/n on his blog, His website. Captions would usually be something like, "You all wish you had my girl!!" He was right. People did wish they had y/n. Well, at least I did.
Why not me? Why not me?
I unlock my car as the school day ended and everyone was headed for home.
"Wait! Dylan! Let's stop at blackjacks!" Eric suggested. I agreed to go along with him. Why not? I follow his car to Blackjack. Being shocked when y/n got out of the car, I couldn't even see her when I looked at his car. We all get inside, Eric orders a large cheese pizza for the table. It was just me and y/n at the table. It was sorta awkward, We haven't hung out with just us two since she and Eric got together.
"So..." I try and start a conversation, she doesn't look at me. Like she avoids my eyes. She looks weirded out to look at me. Eric soon comes back over, sitting next to y/n. Y/n lies her head on Eric's shoulder. Both of them staring at me, I wasn't sure what to do.
"Pizza will be about ten minutes," Eric says, breaking the silence. Y/n yawns,
"School has me so tired out." She lies her head on the table.
"How was the school day for you y/n?" Eric asks her. She messes with her nails before replying,
"Fine. Classes were so boring." She groaned and rolled her eyes. She got up from Eric's shoulder, Eric left to go get the pizza.
"Listen, Y/n, I have to tell you some-" I cut myself off as Eric sits down with the pizza.
"What?" She asks me, she didn't hear me at all.
"Later," I reply quickly, Eric looks at her than me.
"Talk about what?" He looks at me with a questioning and confused look.
"It's about something from school," I say, quietly.
"Oh okay, well, dig in guys. I paid extra because I know this girl HAS to have the specialty crust." Eric smiles at y/n. This makes y/n cover her smile and laugh,
"Oh my god! Stop!" She giggles. Her adorable giggle never leaves my mind. I grab a piece of pizza and a paper plate. Y/n grabs a paper plate and a piece of pizza.
"I'm gonna go take a smoke break. I'll be back in 10." Eric gets up from the table and leaves the front doors. I can tell that he went around to the back of the building. I look at y/n and she looks back at me.
"What was that school thing you wanted to talk to me about?" She asks me.
"Well, It wasn't really about school..." I look down at my plate. Focusing on all of the grease puddles on my pizza.
"What's it about then?" She takes a bite from her piece of pizza. I feel my cheeks burn,
"Well, we've been friends since the beginning of the year..." I start to fidget with my fingers. I look behind her and see Eric heading back inside. Shit, already? Y/n looks at me confused,
"Dylan, yes, what?" She asks me. I just stare at Eric coming closer to the table.
"Nothing, later." I brush it off and we stop talking. I shove my mouth full of pizza when Eric makes it to the table. He sits down next to y/n and y/n immediately cuddles on him again. They were perfect for each other, should I even tell y/n my feelings? Yes, I should. It's not good to hold everything in, I've done it for too long. I need to find a place and time where I can tell her.
What if she tells Eric? Eric will hate me! This will bother me forever. It's like a war to try and decide if I should tell her or not. I want her to know my feelings for her, but I don't want Eric to blow his top at me.
"I don't know about you guys but I'm full," Eric says, he looks at y/n. Y/n nods and looks back down at the plate. Eric had his arm snaked around y/n's shoulders. Uncomfortable. Eric looks at y/n, grabbing her chin and making her look at him. He kisses her, I clench my teeth. Out of jealousy but also cringe.
"Let's go then?" Eric gets up, y/n follows him. Eric grabs the pizza box, I follow the pair. Eric throws the box in the backseat of his car. I gesture y/n over to my car, she tells Eric something before coming over.
"You need something? Was it what you were gonna tell me?"
"Yeah... So, y/n. As I was saying, we've been friends since you came to this school." She nods at me,
"Yeah, go on..."
"Well, I just wanted to say that..."
"Say what?"
"That I've loved you since we got closer. You're the prettiest girl I've met. I just love you so much!" I smile at her, almost crying.
"Oh, yeah, well I'm dating Eric, Dylan. You know that." She looks at me.
"Yeah I know and I should have told Eric about my feelings before he asked you out and I didn't. I regret it every single day." I smile at her, she doesn't return the same emotion.
"Dylan... I'm dating Eric and besides, you're like a brother to me anyway." My smile drops from my face as she said that. It hurt, it hurt so much. It was unbearable pain. I was in shock and frozen. I didn't know what to say to her.
"Okay, Eric is calling me, so I gotta go." She mentally unfroze me.
"Please don't tell him," I tell her before she leaves me completely. I watch as she walks back to Eric's car and gets in his passenger seat. A kiss gets put on her cheek from the man she says she loves dear. Eric waves bye to me, y/n doesn't though. Eric pulls his car out of the parking lot and drives onto the main road. I choke back tears, who knows if she'll tell him? I get in my car and sit with my head in my hands.
Why did I tell her? WHY? WHY? WHY? It was such an idiotic thing for me to do! I start my car and pull out of the parking lot. Tears blurring most of my vision of the road. Luckily I did make it home safely. I wiped my eyes and checked them in the front mirror. I look like I haven't been crying. I open my front door and get greeted by my mom.
"Hey, mom!" I wave to her.
"Afternoon Dyl, Why didn't you call me earlier and say you were stopping at blackjacks?"
"I just forgot, I'm sorry mom."
"Well, it's fine. Just call me next time!" I nod at her before going into my room. I shut the door behind me and plopped right down on my bed. Tears filled my eyes once again, oh Dylan, you stupid boy. Why did you have to tell her? I get up and make sure my computer is shut off as well as my phone. I don't want to receive any calls from Eric or y/n right now. I throw on pajamas and go brush my teeth.
"I'm going to bed mom!" I call too her. I get an okay back. Once I get back in my room, I shut my door and lock it. Tears filled my eyes once again, I grab my journal. I grab a black pen from my desk,
It isn't fair to me that I cant have y/n. I knew her longer. Then again, it is also my fault for not confessing my feelings earlier or telling Eric. Why not me? Just, why not me? I sit in my bed once again, filled with sadness but also emptiness. I'm so trapped in a bubble full of sadness for a girl who doesn't even consider me a friend but a brother.
So full of love, no one wants it, not even her. What if I never get over her? She and Eric seem to have a strong relationship, even though it's only been months. Their love is so strong for each other. But I see how Eric treats y/n. I see the things he says to her, what he does to her. I would be the opposite of him.
I would show her so much love and never stop telling her how much I love her. I'd pay her gifts and take her on dates other than Black Jack's pizza. She would never stop smiling if she was with me. I would show her more affection than Eric. Eric isn't the guy to show emotion, she seems like the girl who loves emotion. I love this girl so much and there's nothing I wouldn't do to have her. Why not me? She wasn't wearing her usual lipstick, it was something bolder, I thought we'd kiss tonight. Why not me? WHY NOT ME?
-Vodk---
I don't even finish my signature. Too caught up in anger and sadness. I grab a razor blade from my side drawer. A razor blade that was stolen new from work. We used them to open boxes and other things. I draw the blade against my skin, no blood draw but a scratch did appear. I ran the blade across again, this time, blood did draw.
I smiled at the blood. I drew the blade a few more times, getting the feel of joy as the physical pain covered my mental pain. The blade was drawn a few wore times, more blood. I grin at the sight, the blood drips slowly down the side of my arm. I know it's going to sting tomorrow but it's all worth it. I start to cut faster and more aggressively, watching blood slowly start to prick from the cuts. I set the blade down to my side, looking at my wrist.
I pull out bandaids from my side table and start bandaging myself. Only on the active bleeding cuts. I sneak into the bathroom, both my parents were in their room and hopefully asleep. I washed off the razor blade and looked in the mirror. My eyes looked tired and drained of life. I let out a deep sigh, walking back to my room. I lied down in bed and huddled up, letting my tears slowly take me to sleep.
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Last night, was the worst I've cut in a while. I usually don't need lots of bandaids, but this time, I needed six instead of two. I wake up, my eyes groggily. I put on a seafoam green long sleeve shirt with blue jeans. I say bye to my mom as I head out the door, great another painful school day. I drive to school, I feel so drained. I'm so out of energy and I didn't even go to bed late.
I pull into the parking lot, grabbing my things, and heading inside of school. I stopped at my locker, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turned around, it was y/n.
"Hey y/n?" I weakly smile at her.
"Eric isn't gonna be here today and he wanted me to tell you that he was to call you later. Just so you know." She told me, why did he need to call? Why did he need her to tell me?
"Oh, okay," I said quietly. I think she noticed I was being quieter than usual. She showed a look of concern.
"Are you feeling alright?" She asks me, all I could do was weakly smile at her.
"Oh, just tired. Nothing too important." I smile at her,
"Let's just go to class." I rub my eye. So drained, I don't even get nervous around her. He and I walk to class. Sitting in the same seats we've sat in since the beginning of the year. She adjusts in her seat, getting out her notebooks and pencils. I didn't move after I sat down. I just stared at the things on her desk. My mind is scattered and out of place. I can't focus on anything, I'm so tired.
"Klebold!" I hear someone call, I try and snap out of my dream state.
"You'll need a notebook and pencils!" The teacher snapped at me again. I reached into my backpack and grabbed my notebook and pencils. Dreaming off again as I brought them to my desk. I hear scribbles on paper all around me, I look around and see everyone writing down notes as the teacher wrote down problems. Snap out of it Dylan! Eric won't be here today so it won't be bad, you won't see them together! Out of sight, out of mind!
I try and follow along with the teacher. Not even paying attention to what she was saying, just copying her notes. Eric isn't here today, that makes this school day so much better. Less anxiety, less depressive feelings. But what if he comes back? What if he was able to make it to school today?
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Me and y/n walk to lunch, I don't eat anything. Y/n offers food to me but I deny it. I just watch her eat, she's so beautiful. I sit and stare at the lunch table, the grey color resting my eyes. I close my eyes and everyone's voices around me start to fade. I was falling asleep, I could feel my head against the table. I'm so comfortable in my sleep state.
I don't have to feel anxiety or depression. The table was so cold against my skin, so mentally warming. I hear a loud thud against the table, this causes me to wake up, well jolt up. I looked across the table to see what the hell the noise was.
It was... Eric.
He made it to school I guess. He had a bag of fast food in his hand, y/n taking the bag and opening it.
"Get up V! You sleep at all last night?" He joked as he sat down next to y/n. Y/n lied down on Eric's shoulder, a sight that I would take a million razor blades against my skin to never see. I stayed quiet, watching the couple and then spacing out to the table again.
"V! Wake up dude!" Eric snaps in my face, making me look at him. Now, his arm was wrapped around y/n. It was almost like he knew I liked y/n and wanted to see upset when I saw him all over her. He had a smirk on his face every time I looked at him. Did she tell him? Did she? Please god no.
"Sorry man, I barely got sleep last night." I fake laugh, trying to get him to believe me.
"Yeah right. Let's have a smoke break after school, I could use a cigarette." Eric suggests.
"Y/n doesn't smoke though." I look at y/n who is smiling.
"Well, she used to not smoke. I got her used to it, don't worry." I can see y/n smile and try to hide it. That hypocrite, he said he never wanted y/n to smoke or drink ever. He was very against her doing any of it.
"Oh, cool, I guess?" I avoided the couple staring at me. I see y/n smile again and cover her mouth.
"Hold on, I'll be right back." She gets up from the table and heads to the bathroom. Eric watches her as she leaves, waving to her.
"Okay, but what the fuck dude?" Eric turns his head back to me, his facial expression completely changed. From happy and bubbly to pure anger.
"What?" I look at him with genuine confusion. That just seemed to piss him off more.
"Y/n told me. She told me everything." He stared at me, I can feel the anger radiating off him. Shit. I'm fucked. Eric will never forgive me after this. Maybe he'll take it lightly? Hard chance, he's not that type of guy. I can feel my face freeze, I'm just staring back at him. I don't know what to say!
"Listen, I just wanted to let her know." I hold my hands up in defense.
"Why would she need to know? I think you're trying to take her away from me Dylan. Are you not? Don't even try, our relationship is pretty solid!" I can feel the rage and anger in Eric's voice. If I don't calm him down now, he'll only get worse.
"I don't want to take her away from you dude, I promise. I just liked her since we met, the love only grew. I had to get it off my mind and tell her finally. It doesn't mean I'll try and take her from you Reb! I promise." I looked at Eric with pleading eyes. Please god, forbid he just lets it go the first time. I do not want Eric to have a grudge against me. I know how he feels about the people he holds grudges against.
"Well, you better not want to! You better not fucking try either! I trust you as my friend and I can easily dismantle that trust too. Don't ever tell y/n any shit like that ever again." Eric gets up from his chair, eyeing me down. He leaves the table, to I guess, go find y/n. I hope Eric doesn't hate my guts now. I sit and stare, I stay with my thoughts.
Eric hits the table again, startling me. I jump up a bit and look at him. He had y/n next to him.
"Come on V! Lunch is over!" Eric points to the stairs. Him and y/n start walking to the stairs. It was time for history class, which I had with y/n. I grab my stuff and walk into class, letting my thoughts take over. Not noting y/n staring at me while I daydreamed. I don't even notice more students flooding into the classroom. I just stare off, head empty.
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The school day ends and I grab everything to go home. Getting out my keys, walking out the front door. Eric taps my shoulder,
"Don't forget about the smoke break!" He stays behind talking to someone else. Meet them at the smoker's pit? I guess? I take a right turn and head towards it. Walking past the couples kissing and sitting together outside of the school building. Making it to the pit and looking behind me, waiting for Eric and Y/n. Eric makes it to the pit, before y/n.
"Where's y/n?" I ask him, taking out a pack of cigarettes from my backpack.
"She's not coming, I guess she had to ask the teachers about assignments or something. I don't know and I don't care." Eric takes a cigarette from my pack. He lights it and takes a drag,
"How are you doing though Dylan?" He takes another drag, blowing out the smoke in the opposite of me.
"Oh, good. I guess? School is bugging me..." I take a drag from my cigarette.
"I'm not mad at you, I'm not angry at you Dylan." Eric doesn't look at me. He stays looking in the other direction.
"What do you mean?" I look at him, I know what he meant, I want him to say it.
"About you liking y/n. She told me, she would never date you. You are too much like a brother to her, she could never date you. And all this time I was angry at you, such a dumb thing to be mad about." Eric pats my back and drops his cigarette on the ground and smashes it with his boot.
"See you tomorrow Dylan!" He waves bye and walks back up the parking lot.
Oh Eric, if only you knew how bad those words hurt.
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I plopped down on my bed, groaning from the tiring school day. My parents were both gone, they had to visit a work friend. My bag lied sprawled out on the floor, notebooks and pencils falling out of it. I looked at my desk, seeing a vase with familiar flowers. The flowers sit there, they've been here in my room and the water is turning gray. Sitting in my room and dead. They were flowers that were originally for Y/n. I was going to give them to her on her birthday, as a gift, but Eric worried me.
I pushed it back and just kept them for myself. I looked up at the ceiling of my room, seeing white corded yellow Christmas lights. They were a gift, she said I needed more decor in my bedroom. Y/n got me some near Christmas day. But now it's March, the bulbs are all burnt out, but they still hang. She's not feeling anything, my love, or hurt or the sting of this pain. Every day at school is like living in a hurricane. All I can say to Eric is that it's such a nice day.
All my love will go to waste. I grab my journal from my bedside table, grabbing a black pen as well.
Oh Y/n, As much as I love you, I will never have you. You belong with him, stay with him. I will be fine, I will be perfectly fine. I have another way to deal with my heart-crushing life. All I wanted was you, it's all my fault. If I was able to open up, none of this would be happening. All the blame should go on me, you didn't cause any of this.
It's all my fault that I'm not with you right now. I don't want any of this to seem like your fault. If you do ever read this, just know, I love you and I will always love you. Dead or alive, you will always be my girl. In my head, we were dating and the perfect couple. I wanted to do NBK with you, but you never seemed interested in that or me. Eric was my only option, so I chose him.
I'm not sure if I will even do NBK with him, I'll be dead by then. Silly of me for trying to date you, you're Eric's. You click with him, way more than me. The memory of you being the new girl and talking to me first will forever be engraved in my brain. I will never forget that time, it was one of the best moments of my life. The moment I heard your laugh, you drew me in. No one compares to you, you stand alone. An all-black outfit in a sea or all-white clothes. I do want you to do one thing, live. Live for me, live for me while I stay deceased.
To Eric, you were a good friend man. You were crazy, I'll admit it. I also didn't like when you copied me on some things. Besides all that, I'll miss you, man. You were one of the best people at school. Sorry about NBK.
To mom and dad, I'll miss you both. You were always there for me, supported me, and helped me whenever I needed it. I'll miss doing origami with you, mom. You are the sweetest woman I have ever met. I wish you could have seen me and y/n together. Seen me so happy to have the girl of my dreams in my arms. Seen me possibly married and happy. But all those thoughts can fade. I will miss you all, nothing can stop me from loving and missing you all.
- Dylan,
Vodka,
V,
Sunshine boy,
and my favorite nickname of all,
Dyl.
I close my journal, tears filling my eyes again. Flashing back to all the times I've spent with Y/n, god damn that girl. So drained from happiness and energy. Every day is a battle to get up and stay motivated. I haven't had the motivation to live since their relationship started. I've been in pain ever since. 5 months of dealing with the pain is all I need to drive me over the edge.
All my bottled-up emotions come out at once. All my sadness and frustration with myself have come out after being stuck for five months. Everything hits, it's like a rush. I grab my razorblade from my drawer once again. Dragging the blade against my skin once more. The pain doesn't phase me, it barely hurts. Cutting isn't helping me, I could feel myself getting worse. I think of all the times it was just me and Y/n. Eric is out of the picture.
It's like ecstasy. It was all a fantasy that I wanted to live in. After what Eric said, I'm not sure I could ever ask her out. Eric told me that I'm like a brother to her, no way I have a chance anytime soon. Luckily, my parents around the home left to go do something. I get up and dig in my closet, pulling out a green shirt that Y/n borrowed before. She returned it once she and Eric started dating.
Broke me ever so slightly when she did. I think about the time I gave her the shirt, she didn't have a change of clothes one day. She kept the shirt for the longest time. I feel tears fall from my eyes once more. It's all too much to bear. I've told Y/n how I felt, she didn't say anything back. I change out of my cargo pants, putting on sweatpants instead.
I walked out of my bedroom, bring a razor blade with me. I'm going to cut, this time, it'll be deeper. I open the bathroom door, shutting and locking it as I get inside. I sit inside the bathroom, sitting in the off-white bathtub. I stare at all the shampoos and conditioners we had, so many. Reminds me of when I went to bath and body works with Y/n one time. We were mall shopping after Christmas.
Tears filled my eyes again and fell. Am I being overdramtic? The tears dripped from my cheeks to my chin. Soon to fall on my shirt. My therapist says to think of all the happy thoughts, anything that I could. Ghosts and ghouls wrap in my head. I need to find a way to get out of here, out of this gloomy place.
I'm so stupid, a trainwreck. Hair is a mess and I can't even communicate. If only she welcomed me with open arms, a safe space. She wasn't the person to let people open up to her, she wouldn't know how to handle it. But now she's with Eric, stupid lemon boy. Annoying and always full of hatred. A weed he was.
I still wanted to get along with him, not wanting to be suspicious. My head lies on the back wall of the bathtub, against the mint green wall tiles. The showerhead stares back at me. I stare and look around the ceiling, the shower window lets the outside light shine through. More tears spill from my eyes, causing me to focus on my wrists again. Dragging the razor deeper in my arm this time, more blood spills. This is why I wanted to do it in the bathroom, easier to clean up.
More tears spill as the blood drains. Y/n I'm so sorry. I cry more, every memory I've had with her floods back in my brain. I look back down at the shirt that Y/n borrowed. She looked so good in green, in any shade of it. I remember the flowers I bought her that she rejected. I hope that she'll stay well.
She looks so good with Eric anyways, she shouldn't be too sad. I hope she stays at peace, it's all I want. I get it now, it's all too late. I'll never stop feeling guilty for not speaking up earlier. Hopefully, when I pass, she still thinks of me as her friend. I hope she doesn't turn me into a stranger or a vivid memory. I slash across my wrist again, the same right wrist.
More blood spills and falls onto the bathtub floor. Tears can stop spilling from my eyes, it blurs my vision. I catch my breathing slowing, probably the loss of blood. My breaths become shortened. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings any human can experience. I'm so full of love with no one to give it to. I want to spill it all on Y/n, give it all to her.
Shower her in happiness and my love. This is the last time I fall in love. No other girl can compare and no other girl will ever be compared. Y/n never loved Eric, she loved me, I'm convinced. I just treated her so much nicer than Eric. Even if we weren't dating, I was still so much sweeter to her than he was. He was a bastard and I hope he burns in hell for the way he treats her.
Never giving her his all in the relationship. A sad excuse for a relationship is what they have. I feel my brain go numb, I was getting fatigued. It was working, my cuts were deep enough. Blood still poured from them. I smile, it was finally happening. I feel so relaxed and content. I'm at peace with the knowledge that I was about to die. The only thing I want to do now is to reflect on everything and remember all the good times I had with Y/n.
"Oh, Y/n, if only you could see how much you meant to me," I say to myself, tears fall down my cheeks. I wish I could have gotten help, but I'm not sure it would have helped. I can feel myself getting more tired and my breath pace slowing. Oh, Y/n, I am always here for you. If I do become a ghost or spiritual protector, I will protect you. Making sure nothing bad ever comes your way. I feel my breath slowly start to leave, looking down at my bleeding wrists. Looking back at the ceiling as I took my last breath.
"Oh, why not me?"
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The news struck you, hit you hard in the heart. You never thought Dylan would ever go that far. Yes, you knew he liked you, but not how much. The moment your mother came into your room and sat down on your bed, to announce Dylan's passing, you haven't been the same. Depression took over your body and school became a chore. You and Eric were stumped too. Your relationship was put on hold when the news got to you both.
Eric wanted the hold because he wanted time to process everything. He knew that Dylan liked you, he knew that Dylan was suicidal. He just never thought Dylan would end his life over a girl. You couldn't help but think it was all your fault. Dylan wrote in his journal that it wasn't your fault but you couldn't believe it. His mother, Sue, let you have a few of his journal pages. Mainly the love letters he wrote but never gave to you.
As upset as you were, Eric was worse. That was his only best friend since middle school. You didn't want Dylan's death to tear the relationship apart but that's where it was heading. It was too uncomfortable to spend romantic time with Eric knowing Dylan was desperately hurting in the shadows. You didn't hang out with Eric for a month and a half. You didn't even talk or sit next to him at school. You've cried much more recently, Dylan's passing stayed in your mind.
You wish you could have helped him, helped him with his depression. Got him through whatever he was going through. But you didn't and now you couldn't. He sticks with you now, parts of his journal hanging on your wall didn't quite help the case either. You couldn't help but think it was your fault, no matter how much everyone said it wasn't.
That's it, Dylan was gone. You and Eric were split for good, it was too uncomfortable to be close with him. It broke you, felt like everything was falling apart all at once. Dylan's suicide was too much for you, too much emotion to process. Felt like tears lived in your eyes as you went on with life. Feeling pain just to hold on. I know Eric is trapped in his mind, just trying to hold and keep himself together.
You both didn't want to pretend like there was something when there was nothing. His death had you in worse mental pain than usual, which caused you to start coping, not in good ways. Finding cutting the only pain to equal out the pain that you felt. The pain on your wrist distracted you from the mental brain that infected your brain. Maybe, it was for the better to not be in this world. Kill yourself and meet with Dylan, apologize to him. You could have closure and tell him that you're sorry you chose Eric over him.
You loved Eric, he treated you well. You were months in the relationship, too distracted by Eric's affection to check-in in Dylan. Neither of you checked on him. You talked to him every day, never noticing that he was mentally struggling. The blade hits your skin again after thinking of it all.
"Oh, Dylan... are you sure it isn't all my fault?" You cried to yourself. Tears fall as the blade hits your skin again. More tears spilled, you wanted to call Eric. He would always help you when you felt suicidal. But you struggled, mentally struggled to be prepared to talk with him on the phone. It would just be so awkward, it's been months. You tried to avoid him as best as you could. But you did it anyway, dialing his number and listen to the line ring. Someone picked up,
"Hello, is this Eric?" You say quietly into the phone. There were minutes of silence.
"Yes." He said on the other line.
"Oh, Eric. I'm breaking down again. It's about Dylan. My heart can't take this damage, my brain can't either." You cry over the phone.
"Same with me. It's been so much harder to have motivation." Eric says over the phone.
"Yeah. It's so weird without Dylan. He was like the glue that held all three of us together." You laugh a bit, keeping a smile on your face.
"Yeah. He did keep us together. Without him, it's all weird."
"Yeah. I'm glad we are taking a break. We need all the time we can get. We just need grieving time, that's all." Eric stays silent for a bit before responding.
"Yep." You could tell his voice was breaking, he was about to cry.
"It's okay Eric." You tell him, he starts to sniffle over the phone.
"I have to go." And with that, he hung up the phone. Now you sit in the bathroom, ripped up your wrist and tear-stained cheeks. You sit and reflect, thinking about how everything would have gone differently. You look down at the razor blade, is it worth it? Is it worth it to put Eric in the same pain that you feel right now?
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Eric's POV
I'm torn up, I am. Dylan's death killed me on the inside. Put ten fucking shots in my brain. I don't want to have to live through the aftermath of Y/n committing suicide. I can't go through this anymore, I really can't. I haven't read any parts of Dylan's journal, I know y/n has a few pieces of it. Most of it was love letters, that's what she said anyway.
I don't mind that she keeps them, let her have a reminder of Dylan. I'll live, keep living for Dylan. I wanna love Y/n will all my love, give her anything. She deserves the world, she does. All I can do is just sit in pain, wait for it to be all over. Suicide surely is always an option, especially for you're too weak to go on.
That's what Dylan did, that's why he did it. Do I feel as it is partially my fault? Yes, I do. After he said that it wasn't and that he hates me. He didn't hate ME, he hated that I was dating Y/n and he wasn't. And I'm sorry about it. I never took his thoughts into account, I didn't think I needed to.
I sit there, looking down at my orange shirt. Reflecting on all the memories I had with her and Dylan. Our friendship was unbreakable until it broke. Brokedown like an old car. I sit and wonder why my life ended up the way it was. Sitting from a woman, eagerly waiting for me to answer her question. Her question about my mental state, Y/n and Dylan.
"I miss them both," I tell her.
"I wish I would have taken his thoughts into account," I tell her.
"Nothing I wouldn't do to bring them back," I tell her, I can feel my eyes start to water.
"It's okay Eric, there was nothing you could do to stop them. Their souls are safe now." She tells me, I don't believe it. Sounds like complete bullshit to me. Y/n and Dylan are both gone, it all feels like my fault. She tells me it isn't but what does she know? I knew these people more than they knew themselves. I just don't know how to cope with the fact that they're both gone. My only friends, my only girlfriend. The boy that I knew been friends with since middle school is gone.
The only way to get better, I guess,
Is to blow my brains out.