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Neil had never thought much about love. His mother had said she loved him a few, scattered times while they were on the run, her fear of their deaths overriding her distaste for affection. The times she did say it were enough to make Neil freeze with shock, ice running through his veins. Is this it? he would wonder. Are we going to die? He couldn’t think of a rational reason for someone to tell another person they loved them unless their life was over.
Dan and Matt said “I love you” as though it were hello or goodbye. It was so ingrained into their vocabulary that Neil wondered how it still had any meaning for them, and yet Matt never failed to soften when Dan would stretch up to kiss his cheek, whispering an “I love you” before darting out onto the court.
Renee and Allison loved each other, he knew, although he had only heard either of them say it a handful of times at most. Their love was new and had built over time, through trauma and fear and an aching gap born from Allison’s former boyfriend and the crippling grief that followed his death.
Neil wanted to ask them how they knew. When they had decided to say those words, how they knew the words had meaning. Who had said I love you to them to give those words meaning. The questions burned on the tip of his tongue as he watched them practice together, or when he caught them murmuring to each other out of the corner of his eye. They were affectionate in a way that he and Andrew weren’t, but no part of him felt as though he were missing out. He couldn’t find a reason to be upset with his relationship with Andrew. It was good for both of them.
Perhaps he could ask Allison. She had always been emotional in a way that Neil both feared and admired, but she would tell Renee the instant he voiced his thoughts. It wasn’t that Renee wasn’t trustworthy, but her calm kindness still unnerved Neil at times. He had a feeling that this was a conversation he had to be comfortable for.
Matt was also an option, but Neil doubted he had the words to describe the answers to Neil’s questions. That left Dan. Neil was comfortable around her, and he trusted her enough to not run off to tell anyone else what he was thinking. He knew she was the best option. So why did he still find it hard to breathe when he thought about this conversation?
He waited for the opportunity to ask, and opportunities came and went. It was almost a month before she asked him to lunch, and the opportunity was too perfect to pass up.
“Let’s go to lunch after practice tomorrow,” Dan said one day, bumping her shoulder against his as they walked off the court.
“Lunch?”
“Yeah. Captain and Vice Captain lunch. It’s a tradition.”
“You’ve never had a Vice Captain,” Neil said.
She laughed. “You caught me. It’s not a tradition. But we could make it one.”
“You want to make that a tradition?” Neil asked.
Dan shrugged, grinning. “Why not?”
They parted ways to change in the locker rooms, and when Neil emerged, freshly showered with Andrew a step behind, Dan was waiting for him.
“Lunch is at one tomorrow,” Dan said, pushing off the wall as she finished a text. She shut off her phone and flashed Neil and Andrew a smile. “I’ll just take you straight to practice after.”
“Do I get any say in this?” Neil asked, resigned.
“Nope.” She clapped him on the shoulder and took off to meet Matt in the lounge. She kissed him quickly and tugged him out, laughing at something he said.
“Dan’s taking you to lunch tomorrow?” Andrew asked, tilting his head, and Neil nodded, holding back a sigh.
“Yeah. She says she wants to make it a tradition.”
Andrew handed his car keys to Neil. “Are you gonna go?”
“Of course I’m going.”
Neil couldn’t avoid his questions any longer. The thought made him hesitate and want to flee, but Andrew and the Foxes had given him a reason not to run. He wouldn’t let fear strangle him anymore.
Andrew surveyed him for a moment, then opened the door to leave the Foxhole Court. “I’ll drive you.”
Neil was quiet on the ride home, and Andrew didn’t press, more than comfortable with his silence. He barely glanced Neil’s way, and Neil was thankful for the room to think. Andrew gave him space when he came home and sat at his desk, staring at his homework motionlessly. Andrew let him be when Neil wordlessly made dinner, then retreated to the bedroom where, thankfully, no one else was. He suspected Andrew had something to do with the fact that Nicky and Kevin didn’t try to get in there once.
Eventually, Neil crawled into bed, staring at the wall and waiting for his thoughts to quiet.
The concept of love as a whole was enough to make Neil’s throat close up. He’d never understood it and had only seen love from a distance. It didn’t help that his mother used love as a tool for manipulation, a way to keep a terrified Neil compliant. He’d never seen it demonstrated in a healthy, authentic way. Was that possible? Was he capable of loving someone in that way?
“I can practically hear your mind turning,” Andrew said from the doorway, and Neil jumped, not having heard him enter the room. “Are you going to talk about it?”
Neil shook his head after a moment, sitting up in bed, and Andrew took that as an invitation to climb in next to him. Neil leaned into Andrew’s side, content with this minuscule comfort, and let his mind slowly quiet. It was much harder to worry when Andrew was right there, warm and solid against his arm, more than willing to do whatever Neil needed. Andrew sat there in silence, turning a pen Neil had left on his bed over in his hands.
“Will you stay here? Tonight?” Neil said after what must have been an hour.
Andrew turned his head to look at him for the first time since entering the room and nodded wordlessly, watching as Neil stood and changed into more comfortable clothes to sleep in. Neil handed Andrew a t-shirt and sweatpants from his own drawer, and Andrew switched clothes as Neil brushed his teeth.
When Neil came back, Andrew was already backed against the wall, one arm stretched out on the bed and eyes shut, head resting sideways on the pillow. Neil laid in front of him, leaving enough room that Andrew could scooch up and not be trapped between Neil’s body and the wall. He turned around after a moment, pushing on Andrew’s shoulder.
“Could we—can we lay like this?”
Andrew looked down at Neil, gaze searching Neil’s eyes, then nodded and laid fully on his back. Neil rested his head on Andrew’s chest, listening to his breathing. His steady heartbeat lulled Neil to sleep even though it wasn’t even nine o’clock. The last thing he remembered was the press of Andrew’s lips to his forehead.
Somehow, Andrew always knew when Neil needed to be pushed and when he needed to be handled with cautious care. Andrew read Neil like a book, and Neil relished in it, in the complete comfort of knowing Andrew would always do what was best for him, would always ensure Neil was okay in his own, objectively odd way. It was what Neil never knew he would need.
Neil was pulled from his sleep not much later, the alarm clock across the room reading 9:45. At some point, they had shifted, and Andrew was tucked behind Neil, his front against Neil’s back and one arm around Neil’s waist.
“Neil agreed to these practices,” came Kevin’s voice, and Neil didn’t bother to open his eyes. Andrew must have given Kevin a look because his next words were significantly quieter. “This is a way for him to improve, and it helps you, too. It doesn’t do any of us any good if he skips when he doesn’t feel like practicing.”
“Not tonight,” Andrew said, so quiet that even Neil barely heard it. Still, his voice was deadly enough that Kevin was silent for a moment.
“Andrew. He’s worked through worse exhaustion before. Coddling him—”
“Stop.”
Neil cracked his eye open to see Kevin’s jaw tick in annoyance, his arms crossed in front of his chest. “I just—”
“Get away.”
Kevin spun around on his heel, letting out a huff, but he had the sense to not slam the door after him. Neil turned around, pulling Andrew down to lay on his back again. He hovered his lips near Andrew’s face, and when Andrew shifted closer, a silent yes , Neil kissed the edge of Andrew’s jaw.
“Go back to sleep,” Andrew said.
“I’m okay to go to practice,” Neil said.
Andrew closed his eyes, settling back into the pillow. “No. Go to sleep.”
“I’ll try to.”
“Stop thinking so much. Your self-destructive streak is showing.”
“I know.”
Andrew searched his face. “Go to sleep. I’m not going to leave.”
Neil wasn’t worried about that, but it was comforting nonetheless. He closed his eyes.
He felt a little better at practice the next morning, and Dan was bursting with excitement for their lunch together. He wished he could feel the same.
When Andrew dropped him off, Neil hesitated in the car, nerves eating away at his stomach. He had wanted to ask this question for a month, but why was it so hard to do when it was right in front of him?
“Go,” Andrew said, pushing on Neil’s shoulder.
“See you at practice,” Neil said, taking a deep breath and stepping out of the car. Andrew didn’t pull away until Neil met Dan at their table.
She tugged him into a hug, smiling brightly.
“What’d you do after practice?”
Neil shrugged. “I don’t do much on Saturdays. What’d you do?”
“You’ll never guess what Matt did this morning,” she said, and immediately launched into a story about Matt. It was a fond story littered with insults and laughter. Neil hadn’t expected the opportunity to ask his question to open up so quickly, but he most certainly wasn’t going to complain.
Dan sighed, shaking her head. “He’s such an idiot.”
“You love him, though,” Neil said before he could stop himself, and she laughed.
“Yeah, I do. He’s great for me.”
Neil looked down at his food, pushing it around for a moment. “How did you know?”
“Huh?”
“How did you know that… that you love him?”
She looked at him curiously for a moment, then took a drink. “I just—I want to be with him no matter what. When I’m excited, I wanna tell him everything I’m excited about. When I’m upset or angry, being with Matt is the only thing that can calm me down enough to think clearly. And we have our days where we argue, but we always work through it. There’s never really a time that I don’t want to be near him. Even when I’m angry with him, it would hurt if he left. That’s how I know.” She shrugged, brushing her short hair away from her eyes. “It’s different for everyone, though. Everyone experiences love differently.”
More questions bubbled up with each word she spoke, but Neil settled for a statement. “I thought love was just a feeling.” He winced minutely, heart thudding in his chest. He’d never had a conversation of this nature, and the instincts instilled in him by his mother screamed that this was dangerous waters.
Dan frowned. “It is, and it can be, but there’s more to it than that. Love isn’t only about what you feel, necessarily, it’s about what you do with it.”
Neil took a bite of his food, giving himself a second to mull that over. He cleared his throat. “You know a lot about love.”
“I didn’t always,” Dan said.
“Why not?”
She grinned wryly at the blunt question. “My aunt was not the loving sort, but the girls at the club were. I love all of them, and they love me. They’re my sisters.”
Neil scanned her face. “There’s more to that.”
She raised her brows. “Yeah, there is. Jessie was more than a sister. I loved her.”
“You loved someone before Matt?”
Dan laughed. “Matt is the love of my life, but that doesn’t mean he’s the only person I’ve ever loved.”
Neil had never heard Dan talk so openly, and it threw him for a loop.
“I met Jessie my first day at the strip club, and I was done for. Instantly. She was beautiful and nice and the funniest person I had ever met. She introduced me to the girls that became my family, and then out of nowhere, she was the most important person in my life. I loved her with everything I had. I was a much different person then.
“I had to leave, though; I couldn’t stay in that town or with my aunt. I think Jessie and I both knew that our time was short. It made us desperate. We fought and made up once a week. She wanted us to be strong enough to last even with the distance, and I just wanted to be strong enough to be on my own. When I tried to say goodbye to her, she wouldn’t let me in her house. She knew what was coming. I think she thought that if she didn’t let me say goodbye, I would stick around until I got the chance.
“I was gone the next morning. She left the strip club shortly after me.”
Neil was at a loss for words. He tried to justify his silence by taking a bite, but Dan was watching him.
“Have you ever loved anyone, Neil?”
He froze for a moment, then cleared his throat. “My mother, I think.”
“You think?”
“She said she loved me,” he said, although the instant he said it, it felt wrong. Not once had she said the words “I love you” without a “because” before them, and a punishment swiftly after. I won’t let you talk to those kids in town because I love you. You can’t disobey me because I love you. We’re running because I love you.
“Just because she loved you doesn’t mean you loved her.” Dan looked at him. “My aunt loved me, but she wasn’t a good person. She wasn’t good to me. I didn’t love her.” She sat back in her seat a bit, running a hand through her hair.
Logically, Neil knew his mother loved him, but each time she said it was like having a bucket of cold water dumped over his head. The more Neil thought about it, the more he recognized his mother’s “love” as a weapon. It made his stomach ache. He pushed his plate away from him.
“She had to keep me in line so we wouldn’t die,” Neil said, and Dan paused, her eyes widening slightly. Neil’s vulnerable honesty was still a rarity, although less of one now than it had been a year prior. “I only disobeyed her a few times, but each time I was punished. She told me she loved me and that’s why she did it.”
Dan shook her head. “That’s not love, Neil.”
“Then what is?”
“I can’t tell you that.” Dan’s eyes softened. “That’s for you to decide. Love is different for everyone.”
“Love isn’t a decision.”
“I think it is. You have to decide to care about them and do what’s best for them even when it’s hard. Some days love won’t feel like a decision at all, but some days it will. You have to choose to make each day as, if not more love-filled as the last.”
Neil had never heard Dan talk like this. He had never heard anyone talk this way. It was enough to make his mind spin.
Did he love Andrew? The way Dan described Matt was much softer than what Neil felt for Andrew, but she said everyone experienced love differently. He saw the truth in Dan’s words, though, and they struck much closer to home than he expected. There wasn’t a situation in which he could imagine not wanting Andrew there. When he woke up, his first thought was Andrew. When he went to sleep, it was because Andrew was nearby.
Did Andrew love him? Andrew had never hesitated to care for Neil, even though his version of caring was different than Dan or Matt’s. He listened to Neil and stayed with Neil and played Exy with Neil, even when he claimed to hate it, even when he claimed to hate Neil.
Maybe that was their love. Being there for each other and helping each other. Doing little things for the other person, like Andrew fixing Neil’s clothes when he tears them, or Neil making Andrew coffee in the morning with extra sugar. Andrew teaching Neil how to bake, and Neil learning how to make Andrew’s favorite desserts just to give to Andrew.
“Think about all of this. We can talk about this more, but for now, you need to figure out what your version of love looks like.” Dan met Neil’s gaze evenly, not expecting a response, and called the waitress over to get a refill of their drinks.
The rest of lunch was significantly more relaxed. They talked about Exy until Dan brought up Allison and Renee, then both of them laughed at the shock that was for everyone. Things slotted into place for Dan significantly earlier than everyone else, possibly even before Allison and Renee knew they loved each other. It wasn’t a shock for her, but it was for the rest of the team.
She drove Neil to practice, and Andrew was waiting for Neil at the door to the Foxhole Court. He met Neil halfway, and Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s shoulders, pausing to ensure this was okay, then pulled him closer. Andrew let out a breath when Neil ducked his head into Andrew’s neck, his hand rising to card through Neil’s hair. Andrew tugged on it, pulling Neil’s head back to force him to meet his eyes.
“What did Dan say to you?” Andrew asked, and Neil shook his head, pulling away.
“Nothing.”
Andrew raised a brow, not believing him, but dropped it. He wound his fingers through Neil’s and tugged him toward the door, holding it open for both of them.
Neil was thankful for practice. It allowed him to empty his mind and focus just on what was right in front of him. Exy was one of the only things that could quiet his thoughts.
After practice, Andrew drove home, but Neil was still practically buzzing with unused energy, his knee bouncing in the silence.
“Go for a run,” Andrew said, putting the car in park. “You won’t sleep like this.”
Neil nodded, leaning across to accept Andrew’s kiss, then climbed out of the car and immediately began running.
It was an hour before he felt even remotely tired, so he looped back around and finally arrived back at the dorm at almost ten o’clock. Andrew was in the kitchen, piping bag in hand. The counter was a mess, but Andrew’s clothes were spotless, a feat Neil still didn’t know how Andrew accomplished.
“Welcome home,” Andrew said, not looking up from his work, and Neil came to stand by his side.
“What are you making?”
“Macarons.”
“You’ve never made these before,” Neil commented, leaning against the counter to watch. “They’re hard to make.”
“I know.” Andrew tilted his head to the other side of the counter. “Those should be finished sitting. Check that they’re dry.”
Upon confirming that the macarons were finished drying, Neil followed Andrew’s instructions and stuck them in the oven. Nicky joined them in the kitchen, as he did almost every night. Even though his dorm, which he shared with Aaron and Matt, was technically the one next to theirs, he was with them so often it was like he still roomed with them. Nicky chattered about some show he and Neil had been watching, and Neil watched as Andrew worked. Eventually, Andrew had Neil move the macarons onto a wire rack to cool while he made the buttercream.
“I thought these were hard to make,” Neil said, watching as Andrew finished the last macaron. Nicky ran into the bedroom to force Kevin out, and Andrew watched him leave, unimpressed.
“They are,” Andrew said finally, rolling his eyes when they heard Nicky and Kevin begin to argue.
“You got it right on your first try.”
“Yes.” Andrew looked at Neil as though waiting for him to make his point.
Neil shook his head, a smile tugging at his lips. “You’re amazing.”
Andrew didn’t reply, instead reaching out to hand Neil one of the macarons. Neil took it, realizing Andrew hadn’t even tried one himself.
“Eat it.” Andrew watched Neil’s reaction, looking pleased when Neil nodded, eyes widening.
“That’s really good,” Neil said, not bothering to stop the huge grin that took over his face, and Andrew’s eyebrows raised just barely as he handed Neil another. He still hadn’t had one himself.
Andrew loved dessert, and he had put hours into these macarons, but he made Neil try one before even eating one himself, and then gave Neil a second.
“I’m glad you like it,” Andrew said, and holy shit , Andrew really did love him.
Neil loved Andrew. He had loved Andrew since he’d handed Neil a key and given him a home. He had loved Andrew since he gave Neil a reason to stay and a life to fight for. He had loved Andrew since he promised to keep Neil safe and stood between him and the Japanese mafia without any complaints. He had loved Andrew for a long time and he would love him for even longer. He loved Andrew so much it made his chest ache.
This was their love. Their love was baked goods and whispered insults and complete comfort and security. It was caring about the other before themselves and giving more to each other than they had ever given anyone else. Who was Neil to not love Andrew?
They didn’t have to say it. They showed it every step of the way. Their love was actions, not words, and their love was the most important thing Neil had ever felt in his life.
Overwhelmed, Neil stood abruptly and held his hands an inch from either side of Andrew’s face, waiting. Andrew nodded, and Neil pulled him forward, kissing him soundly. Andrew was surprised but returned it without hesitation, and when Neil pulled away, he was handing Andrew a macaron, one hand still on Andrew’s cheek.
“Try it. You made them.”
Andrew eyed him, a line of confusion between his brows, and stepped out of Neil’s grasp to take a bite. He nodded. “These turned out better than I thought they would.”
Neil helped Andrew clean up, and Kevin accepted a macaron without complaint. It surprised both Neil and Andrew, but it wasn’t surprising when Nicky claimed three for himself and beamed at Andrew through a mouthful of macarons.
Neil loved Andrew, and he loved the Foxes too. His love for them was just as significant, and if he wasn’t going to say it, he was going to make sure he showed it. He would help them at practice and listen to their stories and trust them with truths about his life that made him feel vulnerable and exposed. They deserved it, and he wanted to give this to them.
“Thank you,” Neil said later that night, Andrew’s head on his chest as they laid in bed. Andrew was tracing scars on the sliver of skin that had been exposed when Neil’s shirt rode up an inch.
“Hmm?” Andrew said.
“For the macarons,” Neil said. There was more he wanted to thank him for, and the words were on the tip of his tongue, but Andrew tilted his head back to meet Neil’s gaze. “I—.” He couldn’t find the words.
“I know.” Andrew dropped his head back down, his eyes closing. “Me too.”
Actions had always spoken louder than words for Neil, and he suspected the same with Andrew. Andrew had a complicated relationship with words, and he had once been led to believe that they would make a difference. It was a lie. Ever since then, Andrew hadn’t trusted words. He trusted actions, and this was evident in how willingly Andrew gave his time and effort to Neil. It was how he showed he cared.
Neil pressed his lips to the top of Andrew’s head, and for the first time in a month, he fell asleep without an issue. He loved Andrew, and it was the most significant part of his life. There was no reason to worry anymore.