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Sharon feels no guilt for playing both sides. Yes, she is making a fortune as the Powerbroker, but she is also procuring valuable intel for the CIA. It isn’t like the CIA doesn’t play both sides as well. Her work has always been morally gray. The real difference is now she gets to line her pockets instead of the pockets of her superiors.
Sharon Carter learned the hard way that a white hat wasn't always worth the price.
Her target is near the fountain, casually eyeing his phone. His clothing, hair and face are unremarkable. He doesn't look like the kind of man who sells human beings for profit. He looks like an accountant.
Sharon keeps him in her eyeline but does not head straight towards him. She casually inserts herself into the crowd near the fountain and moves towards her target. She takes in the people around her. Two old men playing chess. A tired mother and her three screaming children. A couple of beefy guys griping at each other like an old married couple.
It can't be.
"Sharon?"
Fucking Sam Wilson and his emotional support assassin. Goddammit .
"Not now," she says, aiming for an appearance of nonchalance. "Don't look at me."
Bucky is leaning against a wall, doing his sullen and sexy look like he's trying to sell factory distressed jeans. He doesn't appear to be looking at anyone or anything, but his eyes move when the target turns his back.
The dynamic duo is apparently staking out her man. For the fourth time in as many months, they have managed to ruin one of her carefully constructed plans. They are either some lucky bastards or she is being haunted by her Aunt Peggy.
She should call it a wash and give in, but another idea comes to mind. No one is asking Sam for an autograph, so the guys have successfully managed an undercover look.
"I have a meeting. Head to the café at 6 o'clock and wait for me. Keep the hats on. Don't draw attention to yourselves."
Sharon had no intention of buying a baby. She has every intention of bringing down the human trafficking ring, but she'd been planning on making some money and a whole lot of connections on the way. Now she has a new plan.
"Who are those men?" The target asks as they walk.
"Brad and Chad. I know. Gross. They want a baby girl, they want it to be Black, they want it to be pretty and they want it in time for Christmas cards."
Sharon had been planning to be the prospective mom, but this is easier than pretending she has any interest in babies.
"I have a few options for you. Let's have a seat."
They sit on a bench and the man pulls out a book that appears on the surface to be a book of baby models. Sharon immediately spots her target, a child of Wakandan royal blood. A distant cousin to T'Challa but royalty none-the-less. The baby was kidnapped while the family was on vacation in the US.
"That one."
"That is a beautiful child, but let me show you a few others..."
"That one. Believe me, I know these bitches and I know what they like. Brad and Chad want the prettiest baby in town and they have the money."
They discuss a price that makes Sharon's stomach flip, but she maintains her indifferent expression and a deal is made.
Sharon is somewhat grateful to see Sam and Bucky at the café, doing as told for once. Sam is pretty reliable once he agrees to a course of action, but Bucky is a wildcard at best. As she approaches, she hears them arguing about the difference between a coffee and a latte with their usual mix of pettiness, hostility and blatant flirting. She doesn't interrupt them, just indicates they should follow her, continuing to squabble about nothing. Sharon can't be annoyed as it only adds to the veracity of the cover. No one hearing the two men would doubt they were a couple.
Sharon has her assistant, Leslie, set up a hotel room and supplies for 'Brad and Chad'.
"Those are the worst fake names I have ever heard," Sam says, looking incredulous. "Am I supposed to be Chad? There's no way I can pass for a Brad."
Sharon gives them their Photostatic Veils. The faces are not wildly different from their own, but they both look older, middle-aged, and Bucky's face has the tight look of someone who has had a lot of work done.
"Am I supposed to be an alien?" Bucky grumbles.
"Quit complaining. I'm the one who looks like Tupac Shakur."
Sharon rolls her eyes, "Since the two of you so helpfully crashed my sting, you need to look like the guys he saw but not like yourselves. Do you know how much harder that makes things? And Sam, you do kind of look like Tupac, so why are you complaining?"
"I do not look like Tupac!"
"He doesn't look like Tupac," Bucky agrees with a scowl. "He looks like that guy that played Tupac in that movie."
"I do look like that guy!" Sam cheerfully agrees. "That is true. If they make a movie about me, he should play me. Ian McKellan can play Bucky."
Bucky furrows his brow. "Is that the guy who played Gandalf? Yeah. He's good. I can see that."
Sharon hates that her brain is supplying an image of Ian McKellan in Bucky's leather jacket when she is trying to concentrate.
There is no time for something complicated, so Sam gets a wig of shoulder length box braids and Bucky gets his hair bleached and dyed pink.
"Why does Sam get a wig and I have to have my real hair looking like cotton candy?"
"Because your hair will grow out in the time it would take to give Sam the kind of quality extensions a fashionista like Chad would have," Sharon explains as she artfully musses Bucky's pink hair. "It will take minutes to dye this back to your normal color"
"And this wig is heavy as hell,” Sam gripes. “Is real hair this heavy? Is that why Sarah is so grouchy?"
"She's only grouchy around you. She's absolutely delightful with me," Bucky says in such a sad attempt to make Sam jealous that Sharon wants to punch Sam in the arm for falling for it. Sharon has access to Sam's official (and unofficial) files at the CIA, and they indicate Sam Wilson is exceptionally intelligent and has 20/20 vision. There is no excuse for him to be acting like a dumbass who can't see what's right in front of him.
"Is this actually necessary?" Bucky grumbles as he pulls at the crotch of his skin tight green bodysuit. "Can't we just change clothes?"
"These people are selling human beings, Bucky. They do background checks. We are going to need to create hundreds of photos dating back to your childhoods. We’re not doing 700 costume changes just so your junk doesn’t get sweaty," Sharon snaps.
Of course it isn't 'necessary', their faces can simply be cropped, but these knuckleheads have been making her life harder for months and Sharon deserves a treat. Pouring their absolutely shredded bodies into spandex suits and making out while she takes photos is really the least they can do.
She makes them strike a variety of poses. Most likely, her assistant will just crop their heads and slap them on other bodies in pre-existing pictures, but Sharon genuinely does want to give Leslie all the options she can. Sam will be no problem. She can give Sam any direction and he pretty much nails it.
“Look happy but in a wistful, almost sad way. Perfect.”
“Give me a big smile like you are genuinely happy but also aware of your angles and you don’t want wrinkles. Got it.”
“Look to the side like you are looking at a friend you think may have slept with your man, but maybe it’s just the alcohol making you think that. Exactly!”
Bucky, on the other hand, is not giving Sharon much to work with.
“Now give me a smile.”
“I said smile, Bucky.”
“I have more than enough shots of you grimacing, Bucky, I need a fucking smile.”
“You know what a smile is, right? It isn’t baring your teeth. You look like an alien that just took over that body two minutes ago and hasn’t really figured out how it works.”
"Maybe because you gave me an alien face," Bucky grumbles. "Nothing looks natural with this mug."
“Hey, Buck,” Sam says in a very casual tone. “I just got a text from Sarah that AJ won the spelling bee!”
Sharon snaps away as Bucky’s face softens into a proud smile.
“The word he won on was trichotillomania. That kid is a genius,” Sam adds.
Bucky’s smile grows wider.
“But now he’s worried about moving on to districts.”
Sharon captures Bucky’s concern.
Sam continues tricking Bucky into showing human emotion until Sharon has the photos she needs.
Not for the first time, Sharon wishes she really could partner with Sam. The man is smart and intuitive and has an ass that doesn’t quit, but he might be even more of a sap than Steve Rogers. Sam doesn’t have white privilege or super-serum to give him a rose-tinted view of the world, he’s just an honest-to-god optimist who still thinks people are essentially good. That kind of world-view is as charming as it is useless to someone like Sharon.
She would also enjoy another kind of partnering with Sam, but he’s clearly gone over the sexy bag of mess in front of her, who is incapable of properly faking a smile but can apparently express every emotion known to man when hearing about the trivial events of Sam’s family.
“Let’s get some couple shots,” she barks like this is just business as usual. “Sam, put your hands on Bucky’s hips and look like you’re on a vacation. Bucky, turn your head so you can look into each other’s eyes. Now a kiss. A kiss. I’m sorry, are you undercover as an elderly aunt and her forty-year-old virgin nephew? Because that is the vibe you are giving off here.”
Sam glares at her, but he finally kisses Bucky like he means it and Bucky’s acting suddenly gets a lot more believable.
“Now, let’s try some sloppy, drunk-on-a-cruise-ship kissing. That. Keep doing that. That is perfect. Very believable.”
Sharon tries to keep her face neutral as Sam bends Bucky backwards and slaps his big hand on Bucky’s hip. When they come up for air, Sam looks a little confused like he’s not sure what just happened but Bucky looks absolutely wrecked. His cheeks are pink, his lips are red and his hair somehow has a just-been-fucked look when Sharon doesn’t remember Sam touching it.
“Let’s get some cute, coupley shots. Sam, kiss Bucky’s neck.”
“Put your hand on Sam’s chest. Put your hand on his chest like he is your husband, not someone you just met. Jesus christ, just grab his fucking tit like you mean it.”
“Wedding shot. Face each other, hold hands. Closer. Look like you’re in love. Hey, you guys are actually nailing this. Kiss. Deeper kiss. Put your hand on Sam’s chest. Goddammit, Bucky. Do you have some kind of nipple phobia? Stare into each others’ eyes.”
Sharon doesn’t yell when Sam makes faces to get Bucky to laugh, because it actually works for the photos, and she does get some lovely shots of the two gazing adoringly into one another’s eyes. If they end up getting married after the mission, Sharon is counting that as a good deed on her part. She isn’t looking to play matchmaker, but if two stupid-hot beefcakes end up making tender love because of her machinations, Sharon Carter has surely made the world a better place. When Bucky suddenly tenses up and looks away, Sharon shifts gears and has them do a few lighthearted shots. Bucky getting embarrassed and turned on (no secrets in spandex) messing around with Sam is hot, but Bucky looking like his heart is about to break is honestly awful.
Brad and Chad have their backstories in place, and Leslie has put them in outfits that will definitely distract anyone from thinking about them as actual people. Sam is busting out of a hot pink suit while Bucky’s wide leg striped trousers and oversized bowtie are definitely a bold look. They look fucking ridiculous, but fabulous. In fact, the longer Sharon looks at it, the more she thinks she could pull off Bucky’s look herself. He looks like a business savvy circus clown, but in a good way.
“This is fucking ridic-” Bucky begins, but Sharon cuts him off.
“You don’t speak, Brad.. You are too broken up about your dog…”
“Thando,” Bucky replies on cue.
“And worried about getting a baby you will name…”
“Yolo.”
Sam laughs. “You’re sure that is a name in Xhosa?”
“What language do they speak in Africa, Sam?” Sharon snaps, feeling like a schoolmarm.
Sam rolls his eyes, “They speak African, Miss Carter. We aren’t in character, yet.”
“You should be. These guys are dangerous.” Sharon knows it is pointless to try and instill fear in someone who has made the choice to be a superhero. They live for the risk of dying in horrible ways. “So how did you two meet?”
Sam puts his hands on Bucky’s arms and they strike a pose, “It’s such a cute story. Do you want to tell it, my little latte? No, I’ll tell it.”
Sharon wants to throw up, which means they’ve struck just the right chord. No one will want to talk to Brad and Chad and that should allow Sharon to control the situation.
Sharon walks in front with Brad and Chad on her heels. She’s not sure if they are getting in character or just being their usual selves, but her companions are griping at each other as they walk.
“Don’t step on my pants. These cost more than you earn in a month,” Bucky/Brad gripes.
“I know,” Sam/Chad responds, “because it was my month’s income that went to a pair of slacks. You think I forgot about that?”
The target is waiting for them in the lobby.
“Ms. Carter! Misters…”
“Brad and Chad,” Sharon supplies. “Of Brad and Chad: Living Looks? I’m sure you’re familiar.”
Even Sharon isn’t sure what Living Looks is supposed to be. The website is just pictures of fancy drinks, emaciated models and Brad and Chad fussing over a tiny dog that Leslie photoshopped into their hands.
The target nods. “I’ve seen your work. It’s very… new.”
Bucky slaps Sam in the face with the back of his right hand, “I TOLD you!”
“When you’re right, you’re right, my little dollop of sweet foam,” Sam/Chad murmurs as he plants a kiss on Bucky’s neck. A kiss that Sharon is almost certain is hiding an actual bite. Bucky moans in an appropriately inappropriate manner.
The target looks uncomfortable and focuses on Sharon. For once, everything is going exactly according to plan.
The baby is beautiful. Sharon is not much of a baby person, but even she is charmed by the infant’s huge eyes, tiny curls and little cupid’s bow mouth. She is like a doll come to life. A little of the real Sam comes out as he fusses over the baby, making faces and cooing, but not enough to blow his cover. Bucky, however, looks like he was hit by a train. It isn’t until he is holding the baby that Sharon can pinpoint what is wrong with him. The man is in love. He looks at the baby with absolute adoration that looks a bit too human for the character he is supposed to be portraying. Poor Bucky really is a sap under all that metal and muscle.
When Sharon manages to catch Sam’s eye, she shoots him a glare and he starts talking to Bucky about whether the baby is old enough for extensions or if they should just get her a wig. Bucky snaps out of his trance and pouts, but keeps his (well-covered) vibranium arm hovering over the baby, ready to protect her from any attack.
“When did you decide you wanted a child?” the target asks.
Bucky pulls the hood attached to his blouse up over his head and hides his face, just the way they planned, while Sam wraps his arms protectively around his ‘husband’ and says, “When we lost our beloved Thando.”
“I’m so sorry,” the target says with some sincerity. “Thando was your…”
“Dog, yes,” Sharon interrupts. “The boys have been absolutely devastated. They knew they would never find another Thando, but this little cutie might be just what they need.”
If the target finds it strange they are replacing a dog with a child, he doesn’t show it, but Sharon imagines he’s heard it all. At the prices they are discussing, this is not a person who finds babies for people desperate for children, this is a person who helps the insanely wealthy find their perfect accessory.
“Yolo here is just what we need to be complete,” Sam/Chad observes.
“Yolo? Like…”
Sharon makes an exaggerated effort to cut off the target, “It means happiness.”
“In African,” Sam/Chad clarifies. “Brad is very spiritually attuned to my motherland.”
“Oh, are you originally from…”
“Greenwich, Connecticut, yes,” Sam says without missing a beat. “And I thought you looked familiar! Aren’t you related to Madison and Meghan?”
Sharon is honestly impressed by how well Sam and Bucky are playing vapid, vain idiots and stores that information for further use. They look like they should be able to play badasses, but their buff bodies contain soft and squishy hearts. In the future, Sharon will keep them in mind to play saps.
Sharon provides an actual briefcase full of cash, and the mission is complete. All they need to do is get out of the building safely. Once they hit the first floor, Sharon thinks maybe she has found the key to keeping her sexy Jimminy Crickets from crawling on her shoulders and blowing up all her plans. She just has to keep putting them to work and keeping them distracted.
Sharon is feeling fairly smug until she hears someone in the distance yell, “A bunch of bald ladies with spears just busted in the window!”
Fucking Aunt Peggy .
The Dora Milaje are a sight to behold. Sharon stands, frozen in place as women fill the room. She isn't sure how to play things, but Bucky yells, "Take her!" and shoves Sharon towards the Dora. She assumes by the door slamming behind her that Bucky and Sam are pretending to make a run for it so they can speak to the Dora Milaje away from the target (and protect Sharon’s cover). Or maybe Bucky is really stealing the baby. Wildcard at best.
Sharon doesn't have to test her acting skills to look betrayed, pissed off and scared as she and her target are cuffed. He's already naming names, including Sharon's. A woman Sharon recognizes a friend of Bucky’s called Ayo shows no interest as the target sells out everyone above him, but she does cast Sharon a knowing look behind his back.
It isn't long before Sharon is reunited with her… Sam and Bucky. She can't think of them as her team. Bucky is still holding the baby, but the veils are gone and Bucky and Sam are explaining the situation to Ayo.
"You have been working with these two men?" Ayo asks Sharon as she is brought into the room.
"Yes."
"Have a seat. You must be exhausted."
Sharon has a feeling she and Ayo could be friends. Ayo is terrifyingly fierce and powerful and has eyelashes like a Disney princess. Sharon is enchanted.
Bucky gently smooths the baby's puffy dress.
"She looks a little like Shuri," he says softly.
Sam squeezes Bucky's arms like they are still playing husbands.
"Glad we could get this little girl back to her family," Sam says with a wistful smile, his chin nearly resting on Bucky's shoulder.
"If the two of you want to adopt, I can help you with some legal, ethical options," Sharon offers. It's a joke, but the men look like human heart-eye emojis as they hold the baby together, with Sam draping his arms over Bucky's.
"There are many children in Wakanda who would benefit from two such loving fathers," agrees one of the Dora. Several other members of the team immediately concur.
Sam and Bucky clear their throats and trip over each other as they try to explain themselves until Ayo intercedes.
"The White Wolf and Captain America are not looking to adopt a child together at this moment. When they are, I am certain they will come to us and let us know."
Sam and Bucky do not look at one another for a while after that, but they remain squeezed together on the couch, although there is plenty of room to spread out.
When it is all over but the crying and the paperwork, Sharon is feeling pretty good. She was immediately cleared of any wrongdoing by the Dora Milaje and the CIA. It helps to have Captain America as a character witness. Some will see her quick release as proof she is innocent. Some will see it as proof she is well-connected and can get away with anything. Both work to her advantage.
Sam and Bucky make sure to check in and make sure Sharon is okay and there are no loose ends. It's sweet. Maybe.
"We know what you went through before, Sharon," Sam says while looking deeply into Sharon's eyes, his voice all deep and sincere and sexy.
"We hate to see the Carter name tarnished, " Bucky adds in a rough, low voice. "The Carters have always been a powerful force for good in the world. We wouldn't want to see you compromised."
The boys are being so intense and over-the -top with their concern, Sharon is crossing her fingers they are about to propose a threesome, but she is pretty sure they have a very different agenda.
"We will always be here for you, Sharon," Sam adds. "We will always make sure you get to be the Agent Carter the world needs."
Goddammit .
"Just like with this case, if you come up against some questionable characters, we will be right there to keep you safely on the side of justice," Bucky says, helping Sam crowd into Sharon's space.
“We will always be looking out for you, Sharon,” Sam adds. “Always.”
This will be her life, dragging around Captain and Mister America like Marley's chains. The weight of her sins will be two hot bi guys that won't let her commit crimes. Somehow, Sharon knew her life would come to this. When she stole the shield for Steve Rogers and he kissed her while his boyfriends watched and applauded, Sharon knew she would always have a foot in the world of white hats and the Red, White and Blue.
"Why do you think everyone in the Dora Milaje thought you guys were a couple and ready to adopt a baby? I threw out that joke, but they all seemed to think it was pretty believable." The boys are immediately distracted and avoiding eye contact.. Sharon pretends to have a new and intriguing idea. "Do you… Have you two ever considered dating?"
But Sharon Carter will never again be a sucker for a pretty face. Sam and Bucky can keep their eyes on her if they can manage to keep up.