Chapter Text
I hate public speaking Olivia thinks for the tenth time that day. She tucks her speech cards back into her purse, tired of looking at them again and again. She’s much better with victims, or focused on statistics than she is at self reflection in a public setting.
Fin is waiting just inside the door, holding a glass of wine out to her and she smiles gratefully. “Just what I needed,” she tells him as they move together through the room. “Now please tell me again why I agreed to this?”
Fin laughs, “Because you deserve the recognition. Now relax, I’m sure the speech will go great.”
“Recognition is overrated,” Olivia intones to Fin as they take their seats next to Phoebe. The squad is trickling in and she discusses a current case with Rollins and nods at Kat. Despite the distraction she can see Fin glancing around,
“What’s up?” She finally asks Fin as Amanda turns to Carisi.
“Hmm?” He looks at Olivia like he’s been caught red-handed, “Nothing...good crowd.”
Olivia frowns at him but he averts his gaze, takes a gulp of wine.
She’s soon pulled away as the room fills, well wishers and cops she hasn’t seen since the academy and she doesn’t notice what’s happening a few feet away at her table until she glances over and sees Amanda looking at her with something like concern.
Suddenly, Fin reaches through the gathered bodies, “Excuse me, I need to steal the guest of honor. Liv, someone wants to see you,” he grins at her and Olivia is immediately suspicious and she follows his gaze and the room fades around her.
It seems for a moment like everything has stopped, her attention narrowing to him, her pulse stilling. She only keeps moving because Fin’s hand is at her elbow, guiding her forward.
He looks abashed but he grins at her, that smile that always felt like it was just for her. She takes a shaky breath, “Elliot?”
“Liv, you look great.” And the sound of his voice is like sunshine, too bright, achingly warm.
And then the world comes crashing back into focus and all she can think is too many people around to fall apart .
“Congrats, Liv.”
And she finally tears her eyes away from Elliot to find Kathy’s warm smile.
“Kathy.” And it’s easier to focus on her, easier than looking at him. “You’re uh...you’re both here…”
She watches Kathy glance uncertainly at Elliot before she looks back to Olivia, “Yeah...we-“
“Captain Benson?”
Thank god Olivia thinks, nearly sighing out loud in relief as she turns towards their disruption. She nods to the group as she’s pulled away and she’s never been so thankful to do something so dreadful.
She asks for a moment and hides in the bathroom, taking gulping breaths, trying to stop the tears from flowing. Suddenly the speech seems so trite. Her body somehow kicks into auto-pilot so when she looks at the photos the next week she seems calm and collected, a graceful smile on her face. Afterwards, her memory of giving the speech just comes back to Elliot, Elliot, Elliot.
They serve dinner after and she can barely eat, picking at the salmon on her plate. Elliot and Kathy are at her table, but Olivia is mostly silent, letting Fin ask the questions about their life in Italy.
At one point Amanda leans over and asks if she’s ok and she chokes out a laugh and nods and ignores the expression of pity on Amanda’s face.
She is determined not to look at Elliot, but when he speaks, her eyes can’t seem to stay away from drinking him in. And even though she doesn't say a word, he directs all of his conversation to her, his gaze nearly burning her across the table. Her whole face feels hot and she takes long gulps of her ice water in a vain attempt at cooling herself down. Fin brings up Noah eventually and she feels a little shy as she talks about her son. She fights to keep her voice steady at the look on Elliot’s face, something intense and strangely longing.
And then dinner is over and she’s once more pulled away to catch up with others and shake hands. And she tries her best to be present. But all she is really aware of is Elliot’s eyes following her around the room.