Work Text:
The last rehearsal was so tiring that Hoseok can only sit on the living room’s couch and stare at a white wall in front of him. White walls decorated with nothing. TV is on but he has no idea what’s playing. His exhausted body has melted into the couch and his mind feels hazy. The dark room is slightly lit by the blue light coming out of the TV.
Hoseok hears the door open and sees Jimin peak his head slightly, “Do you want anything to eat? Namjoon will be ordering take out.”
Hoseok’s gaze drops onto his hands resting on his thighs. He only shakes his head lightly and Jimin leaves closing the door. Hoseok doesn’t feel like eating. He doesn’t feel like doing anything. Not even sleeping. His dark veins are popping out on the back his hands. He trails them with his right hand. He feels so full and so empty at the same time. His jaw slack and eyes red. He shuts them and sighs. He can hear the doorknob turn and Yoongi come into his room. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to know its Yoongi. They’ve learnt to tell who’s breathing it is or how heavy their footsteps are and even how their presence fills up in the room.
Yoongi’s presence in the room feels peaceful and comfortable. He was always one of those people that you can tell everything to and he won’t say anything bad about it. Or say nothing at all. Maybe he forgets everything right after? Does he even listen? Yoongi’s mind wanders a lot. No one really knows where but no one ever questions it. It’s just how he is – sometimes distant but very close and familiar at the same time.
Hoseok’s eyes are still closed. Yoongi sits right next to him and yawns. He’s been in the studio for too long. Yoongi comes back with sunrise every day. All of them do.
“You’re ok?” Yoongi asks quietly.
Hoseok’s eyelids slowly open and he looks at his hands again, “Yeah. I’m a bit tired.”
“From what?” Yoongi turns his head to look at Hoseok’s exhausted face.
“You know,” Hoseok shrugs and waves his hands vaguely in the air. “Work and stuff.”
“What else?” Yoongi’s voice is calm and soft. He will always try to get to the root of the problem.
“You’re not my personal therapist,” Hoseok lifts his head to look into Yoongi’s eyes.
“Jimin said you looked like shit. And you really do.”
“Thanks,” Hoseok lets out of a small laugh and melts deeper into the couch.
“You want to watch a movie?” Yoongi suggests.
Hoseok doesn’t even have a chance to respond when Yoongi is already choosing what to watch. He picks a random movie and gets back to the couch. Hoseok smiles because he knows that Yoongi is doing this for him. They sometimes do small things like that for each other. They don’t really talk about their feelings but they try to be there for each other. And it really makes everything better. Having someone besides you is calming because they’re trying to handle the same kind of struggles as you.
“What's the title of the movie?” Hoseok asks.
“I have no idea. Come here.” Yoongi lifts his arm for Hoseok to lean on him. Hoseok sits up on his legs and leans into Yoongi while the older guy snakes his arm around Hoseok’s shoulders.
We’ve started to become more open about this, Hoseok thinks to himself as he melts into Yoongi’s touch. Yoongi makes him feel calm and secure. Hoseok is used to being the one to lift everyone’s spirits when needed and he’s always there to entertain. It’s not like he feels like he needs to. Hoseok enjoys being the mood maker. He likes taking care of people and being the hyung that everyone can rely on. It’s in his nature. But Yoongi is someone Hoseok can rely on. He always takes care of his bandmate in small ways. By simply letting him shower first in the evening when Hoseok feels tired and wants to go to sleep as soon as he can. By always leaving him the best bite on the plate. And by letting Hoseok rest his head on Yoongi shoulders, to let his worries melt into the air and vanish for a moment.
Yoongi gives off a sense of calmness even though he’s full of worries himself. He doesn’t like to voice out his worries. Yoongi doesn’t feel like he has to. It’s to his ears only.
“You’re sleeping?” Yoongi asks.
“Hm? Nah…” Hoseok shifts on the couch a little and Yoongi ruffles his hair, “What was that for…”
“Go to sleep. This movie is boring,” Yoongi combs Hoseok’s hair with his fingers.
“You’re not even watching it,” Hoseok takes Yoongi’s hand from his head into his palms.
“Yeah, watching you is more interesting,” Yoongi smirks.
“You can be so weird sometimes,” Hoseok shifts to lie down on the couch, puts his head on Yoongi’s lap and looks at him, “You look like shit.” Yoongi looks down with brows furrowed and face questioning as Hoseok continues, “Your dark circles are even worse than mine.”
“It’s a proof of my hard work. Be grateful to your hyung for working his ass off for you,” Yoongi playfully pokes Hoseok in the chest.
Hoseok’s smirk changes into a little frown as he says, “I don’t want you to work your ass off. I want you to be happy.”
“Aw, I’m happy when I’m with you,” a mocking smile shows up on Yoongi face.
Hoseok rolls his eyes, “Oh, shut up.”
“Only for you,” Yoongi laughs lightly with a small glitter in his eyes, “only for you…” he says as he starts combing through Hoseok’s hair again.
Hoseok shifts onto his side to face the TV. Sometimes he catches himself thinking about Yoongi’s eyes or soft hands or those gorgeous lips. It’s unfair to be so beautiful, Hoseok thinks to himself. Yoongi’s fingers soothe him and Hoseok closes his eyes. It’s unfair to have feelings for someone you can’t have.
“What?” Yoongi asks.
“Shit,” Hoseok swears quietly under his breath.
“Does our little Hoseokie have a crush?” Yoongi tells him with a playful tone in his voice.
Hoseok’s mind is going a thousand miles per hour but his mind still can’t think of an explanation to his words better than the truth, “Maybe…”
Yoongi doesn’t answer so Hoseok turns on his back and looks at him. There’s nothing playful about his face. Yoongi is staring straight into the TV with lips slightly squeezed.
“Are you good?” Hoseok asks with eyebrows furrowed.
“Great,” Yoongi looks down and smiles. “So who’s the lucky girl?”
Hoseok is feeling brave like he’s never been. A sudden adrenaline rush after voicing out the things that were never supposed to leave his mouth make him think of all the wrong answers. What if? Maybe it’s better to lie?
“So?”
Hoseok’s heart feels like exploding and he can only answer with the worst case scenario in his mind, “You.”
Hoseok holds his breath and closes his eyes tight shut. If his mind was going a thousand miles per hour, now it’s twice as fast. But he feels a warm palm on the side of his cheek and everything slows down.
“Breathe,” Yoongi chuckles lightly and Hoseok knows from his voice there’s a soft smile on the Yoongi’s face. “It’s okay.”
Hoseok opens his eyes. He doesn’t know why his vision is blurry from tears. He’s not sad. Yoongi wipes a tear away that managed to escape. Hoseok can only stare at the hypnotic eyes in front of him. His mouth opens and closes a few times, not knowing what to say. But Yoongi isn’t saying anything either. Maybe he will just ignore everything? Maybe he took it as a joke?.
He’s not sad, he’s scared. He’s afraid of Yoongi’s reaction.
“Sorry,” Hoseok says as he covers his face with his hands, Yoongi’s hand still on his cheek. “I was just-”
“Is that true?”
“What?” Hoseok spreads his fingers to look at Yoongi.
“Is it really me?” Yoongi removes Hoseok’s hands and the latter closes his eyes. Hoseok doesn’t know that himself. Maybe he dreams of Yoongi holding him in his arms, maybe he wants to drown in Yoongi’s warmth. Maybe, just maybe.
Hoseok was never aware of himself. He was never aware of his longing stares into Yoongi’s direction. He wasn’t aware of how his heart clenched every time he saw Yoongi sleeping in a peaceful manner. He is still not aware of what his irrational heart is trying to tell his deaf mind.
But everything is starting to make sense.
Hoseok sits up next to Yoongi, to his previous position. His gaze slowly wanders through the room not actually focusing onto anything, “I don’t know…”
He was never conscious of his feelings and the sudden realization leaves his mind frozen, “I don’t want you to hate me.”
“Why would I hate you?”
“Because your bandmate likes you not in a friendly bandmate way.”
“Well, I guess we’re dealing with the same problem,” Yoongi turns to face Hoseok and takes a deep breath, “because I like you not in a friendly bandmate way either.”