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“Alright, boys, why don’t you get comfortable in the back in the ambulance,” Tommy says with a sympathetic smile, pulling open the rear door of the rig and gesturing towards the gurney in the back.
The chaotic scene outside of what was left of their home was beginning to die down, the frenetic energy finally easing, and Carlos should have known that was coming. They had each brushed off initial concerns from paramedics when help arrived a few minutes after they escaped from the burning structure, only accepting the blankets handed to them to block some of the chill from the cool fall night.
He had realized his lungs were bothering him right away, even after they traded the smoke-filled home for the clean oxygen of the night air. Each breath he takes burns, suffocating and tight, and doesn’t feel like it’s enough. He should speak up, but TK appears to be doing fine and he was in there just as long as Carlos was. And speaking up would likely just end in a trip to the hospital.
However, now he wants nothing more than to just take a hot shower, or a few, and crawl into bed. Part of him wants to fall apart all over again when he realizes he doesn’t even have a shower to use or a bed to fall into, not even a home to return to anymore.
Everything he’s known is gone.
TK must feel the same because he’s quick to speak up. “I don’t think that’s necessary, Cap. I think we’re just ready for this night to be over.”
He looks to Carlos who nods to confirm, unable to find the words to add anything to the conversation. Tommy looks at the pair of them with uncertainty, almost like she wants to discuss their options more, but knowing how stubborn TK is, Carlos knows who will likely win this argument.
“It’s fine, Tommy. They can come home with me and Mateo and I will keep an eye on them. Any issues come up and we will go straight to the ER,” offers Owen, breaking the stand-off between Tommy, TK, and Carlos.
Carlos looks over to TK, trying to judge how he feels about the offer. He knows it was easy for the other man to laugh about the position his father, as well as Carlos’ own, had put the two of them before. But now the actions of their fathers were also the reason they were both homeless. Something that he knows TK can’t be taking lightly.
And judging by how tight TK’s jaw is and the way he shifts the blanket around his shoulders, pulling it closer, Carlos can tell TK is struggling with this. Unfortunately, they don’t have many other options, something TK is also aware of. While they could stay with Carlos’ parents, it’s a little more out of the way and everyone else in their circle doesn’t have the room.
“Okay,” TK says bluntly. He then turns around and Carlos follows him to Owen’s car, waiting to make the short journey to the Strand house.
The drive over is quick and tense. Even the older Strand who usually has no shortage of things to say is strangely quiet. And things aren’t better once they arrive, with the two of them making a beeline towards one of the guest rooms, even though Mateo was quick to offer TK his room back. It didn’t seem fair to the young firefighter and TK and Carlos silently agreed that a bed’s a bed, and at least they have something they can sleep in tonight.
“Do you want to take a shower?” TK asks as he closes the door behind him while Carlos takes a seat on the edge of the bed.
“We probably should,” Carlos responds quietly, his voice coming out far too raspy. “But I kinda just want to go to bed.”
It’s true that before Carlos couldn’t wait to wash the nightmare of the night off of him, but he can feel the crash coming, his legs like lead, head fuzzy and exhausted. And now he’s just ready to close his eyes and maybe pretend for a few hours that none of this had happened.
TK nods understandingly. “You still should get cleaned up though. My dad found some clothes I left behind that we can change into. Maybe we could just wet a washcloth to rub some of the soot off?”
“Okay,” Carlos agrees, too tired to argue with his boyfriend on the matter. He wordlessly follows TK into the bathroom, allowing him to help him through the motions of getting undressed and sitting on the lid of the toilet seat while TK washed the visible remnants of the fire off of him. Other than a few stifled coughs on Carlos’ end, neither of them says a word.
“I’m going to take a shower. I’ll join you in the bedroom when I’m done?” TK says after he’s finished up.
Carlos nods, wishing he had the energy to join him but instead makes his way out of the bathroom, leaving them both alone for the first time in hours. On his way down the hall, he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He barely recognizes himself; the soot may be gone, but his eyes are still puffy with emotion and most of the color is drained from his face. Some visible reminders will take more than a wet washcloth to wipe away.
Once in the privacy of their temporary bedroom, Carlos lets himself go. The tears break as the emotions of the day once again catch up to him. His sobs only further agitate his lungs, his breaths coming in short panicked gasps that continue to burn his chest. He tries to take some deep breaths, but it doesn’t help and he continues to hyperventilate and wait for the moment to pass.
He lays back on the bed, still too aware of his breathing, and closes his eyes. Hoping that soon enough, his breaths will even out, and the pain will disappear alongside everything else.
Morning light comes far too soon. He had not even heard TK join him in the bed before the sounds of birds chirping entered his ears and the brightness of the sunrise filters through his eyelids.
It doesn’t take more than a few minutes of being awake for him to notice that his breathing has not gotten any better. At the same time, he also comes to the conclusion it hasn’t gotten any worse. He decides that if it does, he’ll tell TK, but until then there’s no reason to worry the other man. Especially since he’s still asleep.
He ends up laying in bed for another hour or so, waiting for TK to wake up. He’s used to the other man sleeping later than him on their shared days off. But this morning more than others he’s anxious for his boyfriend to wake, if only for the companionship of not being alone. He knows today, nor the next few days to weeks won’t be easy, but at least they can go through it together.
Still, he resists the urge to wake him up, and soon enough Carlos detects the faintest flutter of TK’s eyelashes before his eyes open up.
“Morning,” TK says with a sleepy smile, almost as if he has forgotten everything that had happened to them. Carlos nearly gets lost in his smile, allowing himself to step into the fantasy for a moment before the weight of their current situation settles back in.
It only takes a few seconds for reality to set in and Carlos can see the shift in the way TK’s eyes grow darker as he takes in the unfamiliar guest room.
“Are you hungry? TK asks the lightness gone from his voice, even though Carlos can tell he’s trying to fake it.
“Are you cooking?” Carlos attempts to joke and that gets a smile out of TK.
“No, but there are other people in this house and I can see what they’re having.”
Carlos nods and TK presses a soft kiss to his cheek with a whispered promise that he’d be right back before pushing himself out of bed. He slides a shirt and a pair of sweatpants on in one swift move and disappears out of the room.
He keeps his promise and soon returns to the bedroom, plopping on top of Carlos on his stomach and resting his chin on Carlos’ chest. The gesture usually brings butterflies to Carlos’ stomach but today the added weight only makes it more difficult to breathe. However, he can’t find it in him to say anything when TK gives him a soft smile as he looks Carlos in the eye.
“So, my dad has an appointment this morning and he asked me to drive him. I can say no if you want me to stay here though. Anyway, he can’t eat anything but apparently, Mateo wants to make us waffles, if that sounds good?”
“That sounds good, babe. I’ve heard great things about his waffles,” he replies with a smile that TK returns. “And you should go with your dad. I’ll be fine here for a bit.”
Carlos isn’t sure if TK was looking for a way out of the task, but he figures he wouldn’t have brought it up if he was completely against the idea of it. It might be a good thing for the two of them to talk. Something he planned to do with his own father when the time is right.
TK nods before getting up, allowing TK to follow him out of the bedroom. They make their way down the stairs and into the kitchen.
“Morning Carlos, I made you guys waffles!” Mateo greets them excitedly with a warm smile.
“Thanks, Mateo,” Carlos returns the smile and takes a seat at the breakfast bar at the same time as TK, the plates already set in front of them.
They eat in a comfortable silence until Owen appears in the kitchen asking TK if he’s ready to go. Carlos can’t help but notice how tired the other man looks. It had been a long night for all of them, but it’s clear right away Owen understands that he shares a large chunk of the blame for what had happened.
TK presses a soft kiss to Carlos’ cheek with a promise that he’d be back soon, before following his father out the door.
“So,” Mateo trails off, shifting uncomfortably. “What do you want to do?”
While Carlos had spent a lot of time with the 126 as a group over the past few months, his time spent one-on-one with any of them was limited. Something that Mateo was also clearly aware of; unsure of how to act when it’s just them.
“We could watch a movie? Heard you were a fellow Captain America fan and Civil War is one of my favorites.”
Mateo’s face lights up as he eagerly nods and Carlos relaxes a bit, assured that he made the right call offering to put on a Marvel movie since he knows they are Mateo’s favorite, based on the Captain America pajamas he’s still wearing.
They settle in on the couch and start the movie. It’s true, Captain America: Civil War is one of Carlos’ favorite Marvel movies, but as much as he tries to allow himself to get lost in the world of superheroes, he can’t help but dwell on the fact that his chest still feels unnaturally tight. His attempts at deep breaths are far too shallow.
But he hides it well, and even if he can’t pay attention to the events happening on screen, he cracks a smile at watching Mateo completely enthralled with the movie, noticing how the young firefighter’s lips mouth along with some of the memorable lines of dialogue.
In one of the quieter parts of the film, Carlos is startled when Mateo speaks up with a soft, “Are you okay?”
He panics for a second, thinking that maybe he’s not hiding his pain as well as he thought and searches for an answer.
“I know last night was hard,” Mateo continues before Carlos can reply. “When my house blew up it rocked my entire world and I spent so long trying to figure out if it was my fault, or if I could have done something different to change the outcome. I know our situations aren’t exactly the same but I guess what I’m trying to say is if you need to talk, I’m here for you man.”
Carlos softens at Mateo’s words. He also starts to feel a little guilty at having nearly forgotten the other man had gone through something so similar just a few weeks ago. He wracks his brain, trying to remember if he or TK had even taken the time to check in after it had happened, the guilt settling in deeper when he realizes the answer is most likely no .
“I appreciate that, Mateo. I don’t think I’m quite ready to talk about it yet, but thank you,” he says, clapping Mateo’s shoulder gently. “But I do think TK and I could both use a distraction from everything. Maybe we could get the crew together tonight for an impromptu hangout?”
Mateo grins widely and nods. “Yeah, that’s a great idea! I’ll let Marjan, Paul, and Nancy know,” he says before his face falls. “Except, where are we going to have it?”
Carlos’ heart clenches at the reminder that their usual location went up in flames 12 hours ago. He swallows thickly, not allowing himself to dwell on it too much. “We could have it here?”
“I don’t know, man. That runs the risk of Captain Strand crashing and I don’t know if I could handle another round of his tequila time .”
“Good point,” Carlos replies, searching his brain for an alternative before smiling. “I might have an idea.”
Carlos is pretty sure everyone thinks he’s crazy when word gets out the location of their hangout is none other than the charred kitchen in what remained of the firehouse. At least that structure was still intact; unlike other casualties from the arsonists fire setting spree yesterday.
But the more the group had thought about it, the more they realized it was actually the perfect place to get together. Not only is it a neutral location, holding significant value to everyone in their found family, but it also serves as a symbol. It’s a sign that not even the fires that burned down the places that hold the most value to them can keep their group apart.
Once they unpack all the food and games they brought with them to make the space feel more comfortable, it’s almost too easy to pretend that they aren’t surrounded by debris and the lingering smell of smoke. Instead, laughter fills the air as the group jokes and bonds like old times, momentarily pushing out everything that had happened over the past few days.
Even when Owen mysteriously makes his way down the stairs, the others caught unaware by another person's presence in the firehouse, the mood doesn’t falter.
Carlos spares a glance at TK making small talk with his father and he smiles, realizing that they must have had a good talk this morning. When TK had come back this afternoon, Carlos didn’t press about it, figuring if TK needed to talk, he would. And of course, he realizes that it will take more than one talk for that relationship to heal, especially since he had seen the issues brewing for a while now, but it is nice to see them on the right path towards reconciliation.
Though the scene around him radiates happiness, Carlos still can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. The tightness in his chest is still present, and the dust circulating through the air makes each breath feel insufficient.
He tries taking a few deep breaths, but the inhales end up getting caught in his throat and he finds himself stifling coughs. His breathing troubles don’t seem to raise any red flags for anyone around him. As to keep it that way, he quietly ducks out of the firehouse kitchen and onto the apparatus floor.
Once away from the group, he lets out the sharp coughs he had been holding in. He had thought that would help some, but the band he feels around his chest only gets tighter. He almost thinks for a second he’s having a panic attack, but if that’s what it is, it’s unlike any panic attack he’s experienced before.
He tries to gain control of his breathing, but the oxygen still feels too thin and not filling up his lungs. And by the time dark spots begin to dance in his vision, now he’s beginning to panic.
The panic recedes a little when he feels a light hand on the back of his shoulder.
“Babe?” TK’s worried eyes meet his. “Are you okay?”
Carlos shakes his head. “Hurts,” he barely makes out between coughs, motioning his chest. “Can’t…breathe.”
For just a second, a look of panic flashes across TK’s before he collects himself and launches into paramedic mode. “I’ll be right back,” he nods, gently ushering Carlos down onto one of the benches still intact before hurrying off.
Carlos wants to tell him to stay; that his fear is consuming him and he doesn’t want to be left alone. But he can’t get the words out so he’s left watching TK leave and hoping he comes back soon.
Fortunately, he appears back in Carlos’ line of sight in a matter of seconds with a stethoscope that must have survived that fire that he found. He takes a seat next to Carlos and places the device to listen to Carlos’ breathing. “Can you take a deep breath for me?”
Carlos does his best to comply, but the action of trying to fill his lungs only sends him into another coughing fit.
TK frowns as he drapes the stethoscope around his neck. “I don’t like the way your breathing sounds, babe. I think we need to go to the hospital.
As much as he wants to protest, and say they can go later so as to not ruin their group hangout, the fact that he can’t even get the words out is enough for Carlos to nod in agreement.
He allows TK to help him up but the change in position brings the return of the black spots in his vision. He tries to blink them away, but that only seems to obscure his vision more.
“Carlos?” TK’s voice barely registers in his brain.
He blindly reaches out for TK as he feels himself beginning to sway, vaguely hearing TK repeating his name while also calling for the others before his body meets the ground and everything goes dark.
His mouth is dry.
That’s the only thing Carlos can focus on at first.
Eventually, he becomes aware of the other sensations around him; the persistent beeping of machines, the thin sheet resting over his legs that’s too scratchy to be the one from his bed at home, and the warm hand firmly holding his.
Forcing his eyes open, the blurry surroundings of what he makes out to be his hospital room slowly come into focus. And as his vision clears, his eyes settle on the owner of the hand holding his.
“TK?” Carlos rasps out, catching the attention of the other man who looks startled for a second before he relaxes.
“You’re awake,” TK says, with an unreadable look on his face.
“Yeah,” he replies, the dryness in his throat continuing to bother him as he lets out a few rough coughs.
TK rushes to bring a cup of water to his mouth. “Small sips.”
He nods, following TK’s hand as they lower the cup back onto the tray. “What happened?”
TK shifts, casting his gaze downwards. “Smoke inhalation. Untreated after the fire last week.”
“Last week?”
“You’ve been out for a while.”
“Oh,” Carlos lets out a puff of air.
“You passed out when we were gathered at the firehouse. We called 9-1-1 and brought you here, and you spent a few days on the vent before they took you off and switched to the mask and now the nasal cannula. You’ve been in and out since they took the vent out, this is the first time you’ve really been with it though.”
“Have you been here the whole time?”
“Of course,” TK replies as if he didn’t even have to think about it.
“But you’ve been taking care of yourself?” Carlos asks and TK lets out a laugh. Carlos cocks his head. “What?”
“Have you been taking care of yourself ?” TK repeats back. “You tell me, Carlos. How long did you know something was wrong and not say anything? I know things were rough after the fire, even a little before. But I just wish you would have spoken up. I’m your boyfriend and a paramedic. It didn’t have to get to this point. I mean even if not me, you were surrounded by other first responders and you still tried to deal with it on your own. Why?”
Carlos wants to argue back, to try to justify his decisions. But he can tell by the glassy look in TK’s eyes, the other man isn’t mad. He’s scared. And that’s something Carlos had felt numerous times, every time TK is in danger.
So instead, he doesn’t hesitate to reach out for TK’s hand and give it a squeeze. “I know. I’m sorry, babe. I can’t explain why, I’ve just always felt the urge to hide whatever’s wrong. But I promise I’m working on it. I’m so sorry for scaring you.”
TK shakily nods and gives him a small smile.
Things weren’t perfect now, and they still had a lot to work on. But for now, Carlos finds comfort in knowing that they’ll be just okay.