Chapter Text
Luminara had hoped she would never be back here. These bare white walls held so many memories and she still remembered the names of half the nurses she saw.
It started when she was seven. She was throwing up uncontrollably, lethargic, and no one knew what to do. They ran test after test. She remembered the crechemaster coming into her room, sitting by her bed, and telling her they’d found a tumor on her stomach. That was the beginning of her battle. It wasn’t aggressive like the doctors feared, but she was too small and fragile for the operation to remove it. So she started chemo, and it took everything out of her. Thankfully, she only had a few months of the treatment before they told her the cancer was gone.
It came back when she was thirteen. This time, it wasn’t in her stomach. It was in her uterus. More chemo, and more weeks in the hospital, and more wondering if it would suddenly get worse and there would be nothing the doctors could do. This time, she cried when she lost her hair.
Hair was a precious thing to Mirialans. It stemmed from an old belief that your body was a gift from your parents, so you were not allowed to damage it. That included cutting your hair. She took great pride in her long curls, and losing them hurt.
Again, she went into remission, and this time she had regular checkups to make sure it wasn’t back. Three days before she turned twenty-four, they told her it was. Back with a vengeance.
This time, she had more aggressive treatments. More hospital stays. More chemo. And losing her hair again.
But now she had friends. And as soon as Obi-Wan and Depa saw that she’d lost her hair, on a video call since she couldn’t have visitors, he got up, came back with clippers, and both of them shaved their heads. Aayla and Kit couldn’t do the same, not having hair, but it made her feel a little less alone.
She felt so bad for her poor padawan. Barriss was such a sweet girl, and Luminara had only been her master for a month when suddenly everything turned upside down. She handled it admirably, keeping her head up and not minding whatever had to happen. Back to living and studying with the initiates while her master was in the hospital? Cool. Not being able to visit her master because of germs? Okay. The possibility of her master dying this early on? Less okay, but she just smiled and made Luminara promise to fight her hardest.
That time she’d opted for a hysterectomy. It got rid of the cancer and maybe it wouldn’t come back this time.
And now here she was again, thirty-seven, thirteen years cancer-free, with the possibility of being so sick again, and desperately hoping that wasn’t the case.
But it just wasn’t to be.
“I’m so sorry, Luminara. Your cancer is back. Again.”
She took a deep breath, leaning on the Force’s strength. She had no idea what to say. What did one say, after given a cancer diagnosis for the fourth time?
She just sighed, staring at her lap. She’d just have to get through it, again.
Barriss knew something was wrong before Luminara could even open the door. Her Force-signature had imploded, leaving a dull grey tinge. When she stepped in and closed the door behind her, Luminara slumped against the door, crying softly into the side of her arm.
She dropped her book immediately, jumping up. “Master, what’s wrong?”
Luminara looking up and dried her eyes. “Hm?”
“Do you need a hug?”
“No, I’d rather not.” Her voice was choked.
“What do you need?”
“Tea. Good book. Someone to listen.”
“Book on the end table. I’ll go make you tea and then you can talk for as long as you need to.” Barriss had a feeling she knew what was wrong, but she stuffed it to the back of her mind. No. She was not going to think about it.
She wrestled a teabag out of the box, ripping it open and dunking it in a mug of hot water. Just a touch of sugar, enough to mask the slight leafy bitterness of this tea, a dash of cream, five minutes to steep. After being her padawan for almost...what was it now? Thirteen years? Barriss knew exactly how Luminara liked her tea.
Her master was curled up against the arm of the sofa, book in her lap. She hadn’t opened it, and given the teardrops on the plastic cover probably hadn’t wanted to damage the pages. Barriss set the tea down on the end table and sat next to her. She didn’t say anything. It was best to give Luminara the space to talk on her own time.
“It’s back.” She sniffled, shoulders shaking as she tried to contain a sob. “The cancer’s back.”
Barriss felt like her own world was imploding. She vaguely remembered when Luminara had had cancer back when she’d just become her padawan. It had been difficult, but she had tried to stay strong for her master and give her a bit of hope.
Now it was back.
Her eyes burned and she tried to blink them back. She could cry later. Right now her master needed to feel like she could let herself fall apart, and she wouldn’t do that if Barriss were crying too.
She reached over and took Luminara’s hand squeezing tightly. Her voice was shakier than she would had liked, but it would do. “I’m so sorry. Well, that’s completely inadequate. I mean, I am, but…what do you say to that?”
“This is the fourth time.” Luminara squeezed her eyes shut, tears running down her cheeks like tiny rivers. “How do I keep going? I’ve been fighting either the cancer or to keep it away since I was seven. I thought we’d done it. I was done fighting for good. Now it’s back. What…what more do I have left to give?”
Barriss struggled to hold herself back from hugging her master as tightly as she could. As soothing as it would be for her, Luminara didn’t like that kind of physical contact. “You have plenty left to give. You are one of the strongest people I know. You can keep going even when everyone else can’t. You can weather this storm too.”
“But I don’t want to.” She set the book aside and pulled her knees up to her chest, curling into a ball. “I don’t want to fight! I don’t want to keep pressing on. I don’t want to always be the strong one. I’m tired. I just want to rest. Why won’t the world just let me rest?”
Barriss bit her lip. What was she supposed to say? There had to be something she could say that would just make it all better. Make Luminara see what everyone else saw and that she could do this and she had people who would help her and a padawan who was there for her and…
“I’m here.”
That was all that came out and it was woefully inadequate. But it seemed to do the trick so she pressed on with it. “I am here, with you, and you don’t have to be strong. It’s okay to break. I’m here.”
Suddenly Luminara collapsed. Slumped partly against the back of the couch and partly against Barriss, sobbing so hard her whole body shook. The desperation and the weariness and the loneliness poured into the Force with such strength that Barriss had to shield her mind as tightly as she could to keep from being overwhelmed. She wrapped her arms around her master, just holding her while she cried.
The door opened and she glanced up to see Master Kenobi. He took in the scene and his eyes turned into deep pools of sorrow.
“Oh, Lu.”
He sat behind her, setting a hand on Luminara’s back. She might have noticed he was there, but she didn’t react.
“What happened?”
Barriss was tearing up again and she couldn’t stop it this time. “It’s back.”
“Her cancer?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, Lu,” he repeated softly. “Lu I’m so sorry.”
“What do I do ?” she choked out. “How do I keep fighting this? I’ve given everything I have and yet it keeps taking. What happens when I have nothing left to give? No more strength to fight? What do I do, Obi-Wan?”
“Take mine,” he whispered. “I have plenty of strength for the both of us. I know just how long you’ve been fighting and I know you just want someone to be strong for you. Let me be there.”
“I can do that too.” Nowhere near as elequent as Obi-Wan’s offering, but that was the best she could come up with.
“No, Barriss, don’t.” Luminara sat up, sniffling. “You have so much of your life left. Don’t sacrifice it for me. I’ve already lived most of my life. Don’t waste all your potential.”
“It’s not a waste. Not on you. You have been there with me for everything. You’ve stayed up with me when I was sick, you made sure I always had a safe space, you’ve helped me adapt to the way my brain works while balancing your own problems. You’ve done everything for me and not once complained. Let me be there for you. You will survive this, and you’ll do it with your friends by your side, taking care of you and you won’t have to pretend that everything’s okay. Because we know it’s not, it’s ugly and messy and heartbreaking and awful. But I don’t care. I’m here anyways, and you are never getting rid of me.”
“Never getting rid of you?” That got a little smile.
“Are you kidding? I will straight up never move out. I will be annoying and clingy and never leave and you will always have me. I am going to be so obnoxious that you will have no choice but to let me help you because I will not let you do this on your own and you can’t make me.”
A little bit of a laugh. “Well, I don’t suppose I have a choice, do I?”
“No. I’m going to take care of you and there’s nothing you can do about it. I will figure out what I need to do to become a licensed doctor that can actually work in whatever hospital you’re at if that’s what I have to do. I am going to be there to support you and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“I wouldn’t say I’d go as extreme as Barriss clearly plans to, but you still have friends and those friends are here for you. We know you’re tired of going it alone, and you don’t have to. We’re here.”
“Thank you.”