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Sometimes Gerard doesn’t want to tough it out. Sometimes he just wants to cry. Sometimes he wishes he could run away from it all, the band and the fame, and just vanish. But he can’t. He loves his band, and he loves the music they make. He lives for the cheers of the crowd and for the adrenaline rush he gets before each concert. He sometimes even loves how his head hurts after a show, ears ringing and his neck is all stiff from all the head banging. He still gets all choked up when his fans sing his lyrics back to him, lyrics that he wrote on the brink of an overdose or in another downward spiral of depression at 3am. To most people on the outside looking in, he’s got it all.
But today he just can’t do it. He just can’t fucking take anymore stress. Touring sucks lately. It’s too hot out to even enjoy his day off, and to make matters worse, the AC broke in the van. A cramped van crammed with five sweaty dudes and a shit load of equipment is enough to make anyone go insane, and Gerard about lost it when they pulled up to another shitty motel and the AC was broken in there too. It’s fucking Summer and no one seems to have their shit together, not even the ‘hotel fuckers’ as Frank called them.
It’s sometime in the afternoon, Gerard doesn’t even have enough mental capacity to check. All he knows is it’s too hot, his head is pounding, he’s out of Xanax and the stupid fucking fan that’s supposed to be cooling him off is making a clicking noise every two seconds. It’s bad enough that he has to deal with his sinking depression and that it’s not improving even though he’s doing what he loves, and that’s making music. He’s been binge drinking again to cope and today is one of the first days he’s been sober in awhile. He hates it. He fucking hates it.
The fan is clicking again and he wants to grab the table lamp and smash it to pieces, along with the fan and then his head. His dealer won’t answer any of his desperate texts and Gerard can already feel withdrawal symptoms. He’s gone too long without a fix and it’s only making him more anxious. His hands are shaking like he just did a line, and he wishes, he fucking wishes that he did.
His hotel room is empty without any of the guys there to keep him company, to distract him and keep him from slipping into a relentless dance of anxious spiraling thoughts he wants nothing to do with.
Gerard sits on the end of the unmade bed. He feels like he’s going to to explode if he doesn’t get some crack or a drink or even just a fucking cigarette, but then he puts his head in his hands and angrily sniffs back a few tears that are mocking him.
His mind begins to wonder again and he pauses on a certain thought. He tries to push it away but it just keeps coming back. It feels like a comforting hug and if it had a face it would be smiling warmly at him.
Gerard pauses because he’s unsure if now is the time for this, but he figured that this was better than hurting himself or beating a hole in the wall, so he stood up and went to retrieve something from his suitcase. He was suddenly relieved none of the guys were here, because he fucking knew he’d just go get drunk if they were. He’d never let them see him like this, see what he was about to do. He was Gerard from fucking My Chemical Romance and he was a tough motherfucker who covered himself in blood and wrote songs about murder and revenge. He was like a vampire or some shit. But, sometimes vampires need to hug a stuffed animal and that’s okay.
Gerard had this bat plushie that he buried in the bottom of his suitcase. He hardly even took it out into the open air, unless it was just to look at it or make a joke about vampires sucking blood and dicks. A fan had given it to him and he had smiled so big when she did. It was so sweet and he was so happy, but he felt so lame for being that excited so afterwards he ended up putting it in his suitcase and trying to act all cool and smooth. You know, cause why does a grown man need to sit in bed with a stuffed animal?
But that’s what Gerard was currently doing.
Sitting back on the bed hugging the bat to his chest like it was the antidote to his poisoned mind. It was working though and he felt the relief wash over him once he begin to slip into the headspace of a much younger, much happier Gerard. He didn’t dare mention this shit to anyone, not even Frank, and Frank was his best friend. Frank was a bit more than a friend at this point, but the two of them hated labels so they didn’t officialize anything. Out of all the shit he’d ever done and all the secrets he had, this was the one thing Gerard figured he’d never tell anyone. He didn’t even mention it to his psychiatrist, cause that would be weird, he thought, and he definitely didn’t want to make things weird with the person prescribing his meds. He felt mentally unhinged as it was and didn’t need her to think any less of him than he figured she did. He could be wrong, but he didn’t want to take the risk.
Gerard’s stress finally seemed to evaporate from his body and he could feel the tension begin to fade. He unclenched his jaw and laid down, head snuggling into one of the flat hotel pillows. They sucked, but he wasn’t thinking about that. He was calm and that was cool as fuck. What sucked more than the pillows was that he was lonely, but he’d have to deal with it, cause no one could know about this. It did make him sad, knowing he couldn’t share this part of himself with anyone, because when he was in this headspace he just longed to be taken care of and held, but he was always alone. It was even harder being in this headspace when it was depression and despair that triggered it. The happiness of feeling small would only last so long and then Gerard would have to try to process his adult emotions while he was little and it didn’t make any sense to him. It usually made him cry and then he’d unintentionally trigger himself to be his adult self again and he hated it.
Right now he did feel like crying again, and he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He hugged his bat even tighter and just sighed, wishing it could hug back. He didn’t want to feel big again and was determined to stay little for as long as he could handle.
The fan was still clicking and it was still too hot, but it wasn’t bothering him like it was before, and it even made him giggle when the fan made those awful noises.
It was far too humid and sticky but Gerard was soon pulling on his skeleton onesie and getting a juice box out of the mini fridge. The apple juice was probably left from whoever had been here the previous night, but the juice boxes were unopened and Gerard didn’t care. Little Gerard was much easier to please than adult Gerard. Adult Gerard had some anger issues and an alcohol problem; little Gerard just wanted a hug and some fruit snacks. It seemed all the worlds issues, or at least his own, were resolved after fruit snacks.
He turned on the tv and settled on Cartoon Network, he’d always loved their shows and even worked for them a bit before his music career took off.
Everything seemed okay now and Gerard could finally breathe without feeling he was gonna hyperventilate and choke on his own saliva.
Sometimes Gerard just needed to get away from the world and drugs, alcohol, or adrenaline seemed to work most of the time, but then there were times like this where he couldn’t access any of those things and he decided on a healthier option that didn’t leave him blacked out in a parking lot and hungover.
After a couple juice boxes, Gerard was scribbling in his sketch book, his bat tightly under his arm. The tv was still playing and the atmosphere was peaceful. He almost liked this better than doing coke and he wished being this way wasn’t such a taboo topic. It made him sad that it was easier to explain his drug habit and easier to be societally accepted for being an addict, than it was to tell someone he age regressed. It was frustrating and he usually just tried not to think about it or else he’d get too overwhelmed.
Gerard set his sketch book aside after finishing a childishly drawn Batman, and then curled up with his bat again. He was sweating underneath his onesie but the heat made him feel safe for once and he didn’t mind. Soon his eyes were dropping shut and just when he thought it couldn’t get anymore perfect, the familiar clicking of the keycard slid in the door and in walked Frank.
Gerard’s eyes shot open and he froze. He didn’t expect anyone to come back so soon. He figured they all had shit to do, it was their first day off in months, but of course Frank fucking has nothing planned, he’s Frank. Frank is about as organized as a preschooler with ADHD and Gerard could only watch in horror as Frank tossed his backpack on the already cluttered floor and waved tiredly.
“This fucking heatwave, am I right?” Frank groaned, kicking off his shoes and not having noticed the panic in Gerard’s eyes. Gerard just knew he was much too far into his regressed headspace to just snap out of it like he usually did and he was afraid he was going to have to run outta the room or jump out the window.
Frank pulled a can of coke from the fridge, blabbing about some record shop, the shop he ditched Mikey and Ray at because they couldn’t keep up with his speed. Frank’s attention span was like a goldfish once he was no longer interested in something. After he skimmed through the entire store and couldn’t find any records or CDs he was into, he was bored to death, and watching Mikey and Ray stand there and slowly read over everything they touched was pure torture.
“Anyway, what’re you up to?” Frank asked, cracking open the soda and chugging it.
Gerard just stayed curled up, his brain was going at full speed and was on fire and he felt like that episode from SpongeBob where they burned all the files of his memories and had to scramble to find them. Gerard didn’t know what to say or even what to do, and Frank picked up on it soon enough that Gerard wasn’t okay.
“Are you high again, dude?” Frank kinda laughed, but it was a sad kind of laugh cause Frank always worried whenever Gerard was stoned outta his mind and wandering off.
Gerard just shook his head and sat up slowly, and Frank noticed the bat he was holding.
“Aren’t you hot in those pajamas?” Frank asked, starting to get uneasy because he was trying to figure out what the fuck was up with Gerard right now. If he wasn’t high he must be drunk, Frank figured, and sat down beside his friend.
“Are…are you okay?” Frank had that worried expression and Gerard felt guilty for causing it. Normally Gerard would probably tell Frank to fuck off or just say he was fine, but right now Gerard was just so touch starved and sad and he needed a hug. So it was only natural that once Frank asked ‘are you okay?’ that Gerard’s eyes began to water and he just sniffled quietly.
Frank was getting freaked the fuck out because Gerard only ever cried around anyone if he was wasted or something like that, and he was usually angry crying if anything, nothing like this. Frank couldn’t help but feel like he was sitting beside a little kid who just dropped their ice cream cone and he felt awkward and nervous, but he loved Gerard and he’d try to figure out how to help.
“Hey…it’s alright,” Frank began, softening his voice. He wasn’t sure what was wrong, but he knew to stay calm. “What is it?”
“I…” Gerard shrugged, his mind was foggy and he didn’t feel he could properly process his words and he didn’t want Frank to think he was a loser. “I’m… sad again.”
Frank could definitely detect something different about the way Gerard was speaking, and that Gerard’s fingers had made their way to his mouth and he was chewing them.
“Why are you sad, Gee?” Frank asked gently, and Gerard just shrugged lightly, sucking his finger.
“Hug?” Gerard finally asked, and Frank wouldn’t have denied him a hug anyway, but he definitely couldn’t say no now, not with the way Gerard was wiping his eyes and his little sniffles were enough to make your heart ache.
“Yeah, c’mere.” Frank opened his arms and Gerard hesitated, because he was aware that even though he felt small he was still the size of an adult and Frank was short, but soon enough he was snuggled against Frank’s chest and Frank was holding him.
“Is that better?” Frank said hopefully, and Gerard nodded, making a soft noise in response. He was too happy to be embarrassed because he was getting cuddled and he’d never gotten cuddled while he was little before and it was so comforting. Frank’s arms were the safest place on earth and Gerard didn’t even mind that Frank was sweating on him.
Frank just kept rubbing Gerard’s back and kissed his head, hoping he was doing at least something right. He was slightly taken aback but he would be sure to ask Gerard about everything later. Frank wasn’t used to this, whatever it was. He wasn’t used to Gerard being this way. It was almost routine that Gerard would be drunk at this hour and he’d be spitting out ‘fucks’ left and right; he and Frank would be smoking pot and watching a crime show and Gerard would be ranting about some asshole who told him not to wear women’s jeans and how he wanted to skin them alive and Frank would be trying to slap Gerard’s ass; so seeing Gerard so vulnerable was quite a change. Frank had seen him after his grandma’s death and yeah he was a mess and his eyeliner was smudged down his cheeks from all the tears, but it was different and it wasn’t this innocent.
Frank gave Gerard a gentle squeeze just to see if he was awake, and Gerard’s head popped up from its resting place on Frank’s collarbone.
“Oh- sorry. I thought you were asleep.” Frank admitted, and he felt the instant need to protect Gerard when they both made eye contact. Gerard’s tears had dried but he was staring at Frank wide eyed and he just looked so helpless. He looked lost in his own body and Frank just hugged him again. Gerard was quick to hug back and he was soon whimpering against Frank’s shoulder.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Frank pulled away just for a moment and Gerard huffed because he couldn’t communicate and Frank couldn’t read his mind.
“Candy?” Gerard asked, and Frank just smiled in a way that made Gerard feel comfortable.
“No, baby. If you’re hungry I’ll get you something.”
“Chocolate milk?” Gerard said in a small voice, as if that was a proper answer.
“Okay baby, I can get that for you. Do you want me to get you a sandwich?”
“Mhmm.” Gerard nodded, his fingers going back into his mouth.
“Okay honey, wait here for me, okay?”
Frank wanted to hug Gerard so tight and kiss his little nose. He was so cute and it should’ve almost bothered Frank because Gerard would never let Frank talk to him like this normally, so carefully and like he was so fragile. The most affectionate Gerard would allow Frank to be outside of a casual blow job was a make out session and even then those weren’t soft and delicate, they usually consisted of lots of cursing and hair pulling and Gerard was always yanking Frank’s lip too roughly with his teeth.
Frank was able to peel Gerard off of him and stood up. They were both sticky with sweat but it was nothing new, the van awaited them for tomorrow and it would surely be this times a hundred.
“I’ll be right back, Gee. I’m gonna go down to that uh, cafeteria thing or whatever and see what’s there.”
Gerard looked like he was going to have a fit but he just nodded again, and Frank took that as the okay to slip out the door without any shoes on and hurry to the elevator.
Within about ten minutes Frank had returned and Gerard was now laying on the bed in his boxers and a t-shirt. Apparently he finally realized just how smothering the heat was.
“I’m back,” Frank announced, holding up the little carton of chocolate milk for Gerard to see. It was like the kind you got in the school cafeteria and it would’ve given any freshly graduated high schooler war flashbacks.
Gerard sat up and reached for the chocolate milk and Frank just laughed, brining it to him. He set a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the bed and was back to being cuddled by Gerard. Frank really loved this because he never got to cuddle Gerard much any other day. Gerard was annoyingly self conscious about being touched outside of sexual stuff and anytime Frank would pull him too close or try to wrap his arm around him, Gerard would get all bitchy and distant. It bothered Frank but he never said much about it. He wanted to call Gerard out sometimes, call him out on his bullshit, but he didn’t. Underneath it all, Gerard was a sweet guy, and Frank knew this, that’s why he loved him; Frank was just so over the ‘cool guy’ persona Gerard had conjured up lately and the façade was honestly more of a cry for help than anything. Frank knew Gerard was struggling. Frank also knew Gerard, and the Gerard that recorded ‘I Brought You My Bullets’ was a total stranger to this new Gerard that Frank was seeing more of; yeah the blood and slasher stuff was epic as fuck, and ‘Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge’ was selling like crazy , but it was like Gerard couldn’t even be himself anymore without trying to put on this ‘fuck you I’m gonna kick your ass’ persona and it was sad. It had to be the addictions, and that’s all that Frank could think of.
Frank sighed and glanced at Gerard, and he couldn’t help but smile fondly any time he did. Gerard was sipping his chocolate milk through the little straw and holding his sandwich like a three year old, but it was cute and Frank just leaned over and kissed his cheek sweetly.
Gerard finally smiled and Frank felt his mission was accomplished.
“Feeling better?” Frank asked, and Gerard responded by blowing bubbles in his milk.
Frank took that as a yes and just chuckled lightly. Gerard soon finished his sandwich, leaving the crusts because they were ‘yuck’ as he put it, and Frank was holding in giggles when Gerard brushed them off onto the floor.
“Uh oh-“ Gerard giggled as he peered down at the mess he’d just made, and Frank was giggling his little stoner laugh now and they were both smiling.
“No more messes, Gee,” Frank laughed, but it wasn’t very firm sounding and Gerard pushed his pens and sketch book onto the floor and Frank wanted to face palm.
“How about we get you cleaned up before everyone comes back and then we’ll watch tv, sound good?”
Gerard wrinkled his nose because he hated taking showers but Frank wasn’t going to cave. He had to share a van with Gerard tomorrow and he wanted to give his nose a break. Gerard and Mikey sweat more than everyone combined and it was Frank’s worst nightmare to be trapped in a van with them for the whole day.
“Come on, Gee, you gotta.” Frank was tugging Gerard’s arm and soon got him to the crappy little bathroom with the chipped tub.
Gerard was whining in protest but as soon as Frank had bribed him with the promise of getting him a bag of skittles from the vending machine, Gerard was in the bathtub and putting bubbles in his hair.
Frank grabbed a washcloth and tried to wipe away the jelly he just noticed stuck to Gerard’s chin but it was an epic fail because Gerard kept jerking his head away. Frank finally just gave up and figured that wasn’t the worst thing Gerard’s had on his face so he’d leave it be.
Finally the bath water was drained and Gerard was sitting in a towel on the closed lid of the toilet. Frank was drying him off with another towel and assuring Gerard he was still going to get his skittles. There were puddles of water everywhere and Gerard was splashing them with his feet, but at least it was keeping him entertained enough that Frank could finally clean his face.
“Okay, pajama time.” Frank motioned for Gerard to get up, and Gerard did, shyly hugging his towel close to himself.
“It’s okay, baby.” Frank assured, and Gerard dropped his towel so Frank could tug an old Metallica t-shirt over his head. Gerard had a pout on his face and Frank raised his eyebrow.
“Yes?”
Gerard pulled on his boxers and splashed his foot in the water gathered on the floor tiles.
“No sleep.”
“Yeah, it’s time for sleep. C’mon.” Frank held out his hand and Gerard was still pouting but he he took it anyway and Frank lead him back to bed. Taking care of Gerard like this was definitely a lot of work, but Frank was glad to be the one to do it. He didn’t want Gerard to be alone like this, and now that Frank knew Gerard needed to be cared for, he was going to be there for him when he needed it. It was enough to upset Frank that Gerard hid this for so long, because Frank was now getting unwanted images of little Gerard looking sad and lonely sitting by himself.
Gerard crawled onto the bed and laid down, shifting around to get comfortable and kicking the sheets off of himself. Frank followed Gerard’s actions and then laid beside him. Gerard was back to cuddling Frank again and it made Frank’s heart soar with pride. He felt good and he was sure Gerard did too.
“Oh! Don’t forget your bat,” Frank smiled, reaching over to retrieve the stuffed animal and tuck it in bedside Gerard.
And at that, Gerard’s face softened and he hugged it, “thank you, Frank…”
Frank’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at hearing Gerard’s regular voice and Frank’s face went a little red. Frank hoped Gerard wasn’t going to be all weird about this now and do that stupid thing he does where he just pretends something didn’t happen because it embarrassed him.
“Oh- hey, hi. Uh, sorry-“
Gerard just gave a tiny smile, “no, no, don’t be sorry…I…Thank you…I really uh needed that.”
Frank relaxed at knowing he wasn’t going to get bitched at, and he just anxiously returned the smile, still feeling like he did something wrong or embarrassed himself. What if Gerard didn’t want to talk to him anymore?
“Alright…I didn’t…I mean…sorry for invading your space-“
“You didn’t-“ Gerard interrupted, “I always uh…always kinda wanted someone to um to do that for me…”
Frank nodded, amazed that Gerard wasn’t pushing him away to go get a cigarette or storm out because he sucked at explaining his emotions sometimes.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me..?” Frank asked, his voice was quiet and he was still holding Gerard, and he hoped Gerard would still let him.
Gerard licked his lips like he does when he’s nervous and he just tilted his head in a sort of way that said he didn’t know the answer.
“I just didn’t think that you’d…fuck, I dunno…It’s just this whack thing that happens sometimes when I’m like…my mind is going to shit, right? And I can’t fuckin stop my brain from attacking me and I have to…go into that headspace or I’m gonna fuckin do something bad to myself.”
Frank looked like he was gonna shed a tear but instead he just reached over to ruffle Gerard’s hair in a loving way.
“Hey that’s dope, don’t worry about it…I don’t want you to hurt yourself, man…” Frank pauses because he’s thinking if he should say what he’s about to say but he goes for it and says ‘fuck it’ cause he loves Gerard and Gerard deserves someone to love him. “I can like…take care of you, you know, when you’re feeling that way.”
Gerard’s eyes flash a hint of shame and Frank just keeps speaking before Gerard can fucking open his mouth and say no.
“I wanna make sure you’re okay, okay? And…I really loved doing that earlier, helping you and stuff.”
Gerard just stares at Frank like he’s afraid, and it’s been a long time since Frank has seen him look this way. It gave him memories of the Gerard who still lived in his parents basement and drew cartoons all day.
“Gerard…I know you don’t feel okay. I want you to be okay.”
“Was it that obvious?” Gerard laughs half heartedly, because fuck, he thought he was over here giving an Oscar winning performance every day when he said he was ‘feeling fuckin great.’
“If it’s…too weird to let me take care of you just…just tell me to fuck off, but I don’t want you being sad all alone when you’re like that and…damn it, that’s like, fucking sad dude…You don’t deserve to do that to yourself.”
Frank feels like he’s gonna pass out because he’s rambling all these words out so quickly but Gerard has this cute little anxious expression that Frank loves and he kisses him softly, unlike their make out sessions it’s sweet and gentle and Gerard just sniffs but he doesn’t stop kissing Frank until he pulls away to catch a breath.
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.” Frank laughs shyly, and he smiles in a way that makes Gerard get butterflies in his stomach.
“You’re so sappy.”
Gerard says, his face is flushed and he looks like a virgin that just had their first kiss. He goes back to laying his head down on Frank’s chest.
Frank just smirks playfully and Gerard is hugging his bat again. He’s nearly forgotten how embarrassed he tells himself he should feel. Frank makes him feel safe and he knows now that Frank is his safe person and he trusts him completely.
Gerard feels happy for the first time in years and he’s all shy and giggly when Frank kisses him again. Frank is sure he’s going to chip away that asshole exterior Gerard’s got going on and Gerard actually doesn’t mind. It’s been far too long since Gerard’s let anyone get close to him, but after today, he feels like he might let Frank love him.
He feels like he might be okay after all.